want to buy low hipsters or rent
a man's chest wig for the weekend
The King's Road Chelsea is the place to
look, They come in all shapes, sizes & sexes
Alan?
Come on, I'm not going to hurt you,
and stop screaming.
I have sensitive eardrums.
What's your name?
J-J-J...
Would this, er, be you?
Well, Josephine, what are you -
friend, mistress or wife?
Model.
I'm a friend, too.
I was a friend.
The name is Templar.
Simon Templar.
All right now?
I... I live downstairs.
I've modelled for him
for some time now.
He hated being interrupted
when he was painting.
So if he didn't want me, he'd hang
that card outside on the door.
I see.
Now it's your turn.
Well, he, er...he had a show
about a month ago.
I went to it, ended up buying
one of his pictures.
Afterwards,
we had a chat over a drink.
Out of the blue this morning, he
telephoned me, asked me to come over,
said something about being onto
a gigantic swindle. Swindle?
He didn't go into any detail.
Unfortunately, I had a lunch date.
When I got here, the door was open,
I walked in, and found him.
Shouldn't we...
Don't you think we ought to...
Call the police?
In a minute.
"Brenda's P-A."
Pa. Meaning valour?
I don't know.
Who is Brenda anyway?
She's in here.
That's Brenda.
Who is she?
I wish I knew.
Why the rose?
Because he loved her, I suppose.
I asked him about her quite often.
But whenever I did,
he'd change the subject.
You know, I've met her.
Really?
I don't know where or when.
Mr Templar, when are we going to
phone the police?
Now.
Hello?
'Mr Alan Williams, please.'
Speaking.
'This is Diane Huntley's
message service.
Miss Huntley says would you bring your
friend to the recording studiosat
It's the third floor,
Wardour Street.'
Fine, I'll be there.
Goodbye.
I'll tell you what,
you call the police.
Get through to Scotland Yard, ask for
Chief Inspector Claud Eustace Teal.
Tell him everything,
exactly as it happened.
And say that I shall be available
for questioning at my convenience.
You're leaving?
You've got the idea.
It appears that Alan and I
have an appointment at :.
I intend to keep it.
Stand by.
Run the tape.
# Something you should know
# I think it's only fair
# Soon I'll have to go
# Although I don't know where
# I've been around for far too long
# I've seen too many things go wrong
# There's something you should know
# For you won't see me no more
# Something you should know
# I think you have the right
# Now the flame is low
# That kept our love all right
# Time I must go there is no doubt
# Because the flame is nearly out
# There's something you should know
# You won't see me no more
# I don't want to make you cry
# But I have to...say goodbye
# There's something
you should know #
Cut it!
Today's a record.
Seven fights.
When the devil wanted to louse up
the world for the rest of us,
he gave us girl singers.
Oh, not again.
With musicians at £ a session,
she's meditating.
# There's something you should know
# Boy, you won't see me no more
# There's something you should know
# I think you have the right
# Now the flame is low
# That kept our love all right
# Time I must go, there is no doubt
# Because the flame is nearly out
# There's something you should know
Great.
When she's really on,
there's no-one better.
And cut it!
Great, baby!
All right, pack it up, boys.
Diane, in here, please.
Well? How was I?
It was fair.
I was great!
Don't be modest, it's not necessary.
Excuse me,
I want a word with Ronnie.
He's always displacing
my inner truth.
Oh, I'll mention it to him.
Hey, you must be Simon Templar,
Alan's friend.
I am Simon Templar,
everybody's friend.
I admire that. Obviously
you believe in spontaneous love.
If it's not spontaneous,
it's not worth having, is it?
I've been trying to convince Alan
of that for years.
Where is he?
Well, unfortunately...
I know, he got cold feet.
In a manner of speaking, yes.
Poor Alan.
Oh, excuse me.
Boys,
I'll listen to the playback later.
He needs serenity so desperately.
What makes you think
he doesn't have it now?
Oh, I know Alan.
Well, do you want to come anyway?
Would be delighted.
Alan did tell you
where we were going?
Oh, yes, he, er...told me everything.
I say to you
that love is the final word
to all my teachings.
Love is the foundation stone
on which you build your life.
Love for every living creature
on this earth.
The love that you hold
for other people...
..will generate the same love
in them.
If in your life you met a man
with only one arm,
you would never hate him for this.
In the same way,
if you meet a man who is cruel,
or unjust,
do not hate him
for this imperfection.
Because it is not his fault.
You must love him even more...
than you would
if he were a whole man in health.
Have any of you questions?
Yes, Guru, I have a question.
Mr Templar?
Today I lost a friend through death.
You must know that your friend
is at peace.
He has gone to the serenity
of the all-illumined mind.
Excuse me, Guru, but
how did you know my friend was a man?
In death,
there is no male and no female,...
..only the perpetual human spirit.
Are there other questions?
Then the meditation is complete.
I'd like to give something.
That's very kind of you, madam.
£,!
Oh, Madam Novkova,
you're too generous.
For how he has helped me,
it is nothing.
I made it payable to cash,
as you said.
All right?
Oh, yes. Marvellous.
You see, we're not yet classified as
a tax-exempt religious organisation.
I hope it helps.
He's a truly good man.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.And you, Mr Templar.
Isn't he marvellous?
Marvellous.
Oh, Guru,
Madam Novkova gave us a cheque.
You'll never guess for how much.
Mrs White, please,
you know
I'm not interested in money.
I hope you will come again,
Mr Templar.
Oh, I'm sure I will.
The question of your departed friend
- I hope I helped.
Unfortunately, my friend d*ed in
a rather tragic and unnecessary way.
A wasting disease?
No, it was much more sudden.
A Kn*fe in the back.
And then what happened?
Alan rang me this morning
and asked if he could bring Simon
to the meditation session.
The what?
Meditation, Claud.
Transcendental meditation.
You should try it.
I didn't ask you.
Sorry, Claud.
Shall I go on?
Yes, go on.
So I said of course,
and had my message service phone
and tell him where to pick me up.
A relative of yours, I presume.
Yes, Claud.
That is why I'm an orphan.
You've probably gathered by now,
darling,
that Claud dislikes the bizarre.
Which is why he dislikes me,
of course.
I thought I'd get that in
before you did.
Is there anything else?
No, I have said it all.
So has Diane.
What about his friends?
I'm afraid I didn't know him
that well.
Judging by his paintings,
he probably didn't have any.
You might try Josephine downstairs.
I already have.
When I want to question you again,
I'll send for you.
Always a pleasure to see you, Claud.
The feeling is far from mutual.
Freud would have said he loved me.
Can we leave now?
Diane, were you close to him?
Not really.
I loved some of his pictures.
Bought a few.
Tried to buy that one,
but he wouldn't sell it.
Lovely, isn't she?
Very.
Look, I really must go. I'm opening
at the Talk of the Town tonight.
I shall be late.
Fine, I'll drive you.
Diane, I wish I could remember
where I've seen her.
It's Brenda Stafford.
The singer? She d*ed, didn't she?
k*lled herself six months ago.
Jumped off a subway platform
in front of a train.
What else can you tell me about her?
Everything about Brenda
was...temporary.
Every few months, she'd change
her hair colour, her wardrobe,
her agent, and her friends.
Even her name.
You know,
she was originally Brenda Williams.
Williams?
Yes, she was Alan's sister.
Oh, look, this will do fine.
Looking for something?
Who are you?
Come on, I said: who are you?
I said:
are you looking for something?
Now, what are you looking for?
Mr Templar, are you all right?
I'll live, I think.
I heard the noise so I came up.
It sounded like a fight.
That's very observant.
It felt like a fight.
I'll get you a drink.
No, thanks.
I'm driving.
What happened?
I lost.
There were two of them.
They were looking for something.
The question is, what?
It couldn't have been money.
Oh? Why not?
He was broke.
Owed me £..
When did you last see him?
Yesterday.
Did he do anything,
say anything unusual?
Mr Templar,
he never talked much to me.
I'm really not very bright.
Oh, I don't know about that.
He ever mention meditation,
Indian philosophy?
Good heavens, no.
Yet today, out of the blue,
he wanted me to meet a guru.
What's that?
Guru.
Indian holy man.
Now, what were they after?
He WAS investigating the guru.
No idea what that means.
Nor have I.
Hello!
Brenda's bank statement
for the month she d*ed.
£,.
But somebody's written £,.
Brenda?
Yes.
Brenda Williams. His sister.
Better known as Brenda Stafford,
the singer.
She's his sister?!
Yes.
Then why all the mystery -
The bit about the rose?
Why wouldn't he talk about her
to anybody?
She k*lled herself.
She has that much money
and she kills herself?!
People do sometimes.
If I had that much,
I'd want to live forever.
What's that?
Ed Bearsley, Fern Cottage,
Cowden, Kent?
Who's he?
That I'm going to find out.
What does it all mean?
I don't know.
But whoever they are, they wanted
the contents of this envelope
badly enough to k*ll for it.
Looking for Mr Bearsley, are you?
Yes.
Nobody at home. Nobody ever is.
Haven't been for the last two years.
Bearsley is loaded.
Hello?
Oh, good morning.
No, no mail except the light bill.
Oh, and they came
and fixed the roof.
Yes, of course.
Is there anything else?
All right. Goodbye.
Good day, I'd like to see
Mr Bearsley, please.
Believe me, dear, I would too.
I beg your pardon?
Like to see Mr Bearsley.
I never have.
But you, er, do work for him.
That's right, dear, I do.
Three mornings a week, nine till .
But never in two years
have I ever laid eyes on him.
Oh, I see.
I don't. It's a mystery.
I get my instructions
from his telephone message service.
And then if I have anything
to report, I phone them.
Do you think you could let me have
his number?
Oh, well, I'm not sure if...
I'm an old friend.
I knew him in Bombay.
Oh.
Oh, well, in that case,
it's .
.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Sure you wouldn't like a cup of tea
or a glass of sherry?
Thanks, I never touch it.
Thank you.
Claud, dear boy, you, er,
wanted to see me.
No, I sent for you.
There's a difference.
Oh, is there? Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
You were absolutely right
about these.
Oh, I know what that admission
cost you.
They're the serial numbers
from three £ notes.
I went to Bearsley's bank.
As I suggested - the Bombay Bank
in Cannon Street.
Yes.
That's absolutely splendid, Claud.
What did you find out?
Bearsley's had an account with them
for two years.
All his deposits are made by post.
The manager's never met him.
Oh? And where do they mail
the receipts?
To a place called Fern Co-
I'll, er, keep that confidential
for the moment.
Oh, I quite understand, Claud.
Do go on.
Your dead artist friend,
Alan Williams,
took the manager the serial numbers
two weeks ago.
He requested the manager personally
to watch for them,
in the deposit that would be put in
by Bearsley.
And they turned up
in Bearsley's deposit. They did.
And the bank manager
notified Williams accordingly.
When?
Two days ago.
The day before he was m*rder*d.
Hm.
So, all you have to do now, Claud,
is track down
the elusive Mr Bearsley.
I'm, er, working on it.
Good, Claud.
Just one point.
Yes, Claud?
How did you know that Bearsley had
an account in the Bombay Bank?
Well, I'll, er,
have to keep that information
confidential at the moment.
Did you find anything else
behind that picture?
Claud, are you suggesting
that I would withhold evidence
from Scotland Yard?
Yes.
I think you've gone too far, Claud.
That is not kindly.
Not kindly at all.
Kindness is an emotion I feel
only seldom, and never towards you.
She committed su1c1de.
Really?
She jumped under a train.
She was a pop singer.
Unbalanced.
Hysterical.
Oh, now, come on, Claud.
It doesn't necessarily follow
that all pop singers are hysterical
and unbalanced.
Do you need me any more?
I wasn't aware I needed you at all.
In that case, I'll run along.
Where?
Oh, didn't I tell you?
I'm going to make a record.
Thank you, Sergeant.
An invisible man named Bearsley,
together with the serial numbers
of three £ notes.
What do you make of it?
Absolutely nothing.
Simon, I think I can explain
the serial numbers.
We're waiting with bated breath.
Well, two weeks ago
Alan gave me three £ notes.
He said I was to give them
to the guru.
I remember I was a bit puzzled
at the time.
About what?
Alan was always so against the guru.
I was surprised at the sudden switch.
He put the three fivers
into an envelope.
He was very specific about that.
I had to give the guru
those particular notes.
We've got it.
What, that the guru is Bearsley?
Sure, and he's feathering his nest.
I don't believe it.
Then how come the notes turn up
in Bearsley's deposit?
The bank manager could have been
mistaken.Oh, baby, come on.
This joker's a phoney and a fake.
How do you know?
You've never even met him.
Then introduce me.
I should have % of this guy,
I'd make a fortune.
You are disgusting, you really are.
Diane, there's another thing.
Brenda's bank statement
for the last month of her life.
It looks as though she gave the guru
£,.
You've got to be kidding.
Apparently, that's what Alan
was investigating.
The bank statement showed that
she had £, odd.
Alan thought it should have been
£,.
That figures. The guru is a crook
and Brenda was cookier
than a house fly on LSD.
Did you know her well?
Too well. I was her agent.
You never told me.
I was never asked.
I don't care what either of you say!
The guru is a rare and good man.
In fact, he's the only really
honest man I've ever met.
You have a limited circle of friends.
OK, hurry it up, boys.
Simon, if it is true,
if the guru really is a crook,
does it mean he's a m*rder*r
as well?
I'm afraid it does.
Well, I hope I haven't upset her.
Ah, forget it. It'll do her good
to face the truth about this phoney.
May I use your phone?
Yeah, go ahead.
Hello, I'd like to leave a message
for Mr Ed Bearsley, please.
Would you ask him to call
Simon Templar?
Tell him I'll be at Alan Williams'
studio at five o'clock.
Oh, the number is, er, .
That's right.
Thank you.
Do you really think he'll call?
Who knows?
But at least it's worth a try.
Guru, Mr Templar wants to see you.
He says it's important.
Then do not keep him waiting.
Come in, Mr Templar.
Thank you, Mrs White.
Welcome, Mr Templar.
I had not expected to see you again
quite so soon.
Well, Guru, I need your help.
It is yours. Please sit down.
I'm looking for someone.
Yes?
By the name of Ed Bearsley.
Does it mean anything to you?
I'm sorry, no.
He came to England
around two years ago.
As a matter of fact,
about the same time you did.
I meet so many people, Mr Templar.
They come from all over the world.
And we're constantly expanding.
We're opening a new centre in Paris
next month.
That must cost
a great deal of money.
Some of my supporters
are very generous.
Such as Brenda Stafford?
Life for her
was a long and perilous course.
Were you surprised
when she k*lled herself?
No.
I confess it freely - Brenda Stafford
was one of my greatest failures.
But not financially.
Whatever are you saying?
I'm saying that before she d*ed,
she gave you £,.
You're surely not serious.
Oh, I am, very.
On several occasions, Brenda gave
generous donations to the cause,
but never anything like the amount
you mention.
Mrs White, the ledger, please.
Guru, it is not necessary
for you to be questioned like this.
Mrs White, please, bring the books.
This is the cottage.
I can assure you
I have never seen it.
Nor have I ever heard of this
Fern Cottage.
In fact, I have never been
in the county of Kent.
And you are at perfect liberty
to look at my books.
Every donation
is scrupulously recorded.
Thank you.
But books can be fiddled, can't they?
I mean, they can put down
anything they like.
Quite true. Thanks.
So really, you're no closer than ever
to finding this Ed Bearsley.
Darling, it is no longer necessary
for me to find him.
HE is going to find me.
Has he called yet?
Not yet.
I'll give him till :.
Hello? Yes, Simon Templar speaking.
Er, I was expecting
to hear from you, Mr Bearsley.
Well, let's put it this way,
I know who k*lled Alan Williams.
And what's more, I can prove it.
However, I am a reasonable man.
And I am quite willing to sell
the evidence.
The price?
£,.
It's better than going to prison,
isn't it? I'll tell you what we'll do.
You meet me in the Hyde Park
underground garage at ten tonight.
Use the Park Lane entrance,
and bring the money to bay .
Oh, one other thing.
Don't keep me waiting.
# I will be everywhere you go
# Baby, I'm out to get you
# I'll make progress
though it may seem slow
# Baby, I'm out to get you
# All of the time I'll be
on your mind
# Look around, I'll not be far behind
# There is nothing that you can do
# Baby, I'm out to get you
# You can run everywhere
# You can hide, I'll be there
# You can run everywhere
# You can hide, I'll be there
# And you won't get away from me
# There is nothing that you can do
# Baby, I'm out to get you
# There is nothing...
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Cut it!
I'm too upset today. I can't go on!
All right,
we may as well call it a day.
OK, pack it up, boys, it's
temperament day in the disc factory.
Mrs White, I must see the guru!
It's very urgent.
I'm sorry, the guru...
The guru cannot be disturbed!
Guru, I'm sorry to disturb you.
She just brushed past.
It's terribly important.
I couldn't stop her.
Please! I am always available
to anyone who needs me.
Miss Huntley, calm yourself.
Sit down.
What is this all about?
Mr Templar,
and Johnny Fox, my agent,
they've been saying
the most terrible things.
And you are hurt and angry.
Well, not about me. About you.
You know the old proverb
about sticks and stones?
Yes, but they say you're a fraud,
and a crook.
Guru, it is not necessary
for you to have to listen to this.
Mrs White, please.
I appreciate your loyalty,
and the loyalty also of Ashok.
But I need no defence,
because it is not necessary.
Guru, please let me tell you.
Perhaps you remember two weeks ago
I brought you a donation
from a friend.
There were three £ notes.
My dear Diane,
it is absolutely and totally untrue.
Of course it is.
I have never even heard of this man
Bearsley.
And as I said to Mr Templar,
I have never even been
in the county of Kent,
let alone this Fern Cottage.
Diane, I've come to take you home.
Thank you, Guru.
Thank you for coming.
And please, do not fear for me.
Oh, but it's so outrageous!
Please.
Ashok, please show our friends out.
Mrs White, in this house
we must practise what we preach.
There is to be no animosity,
no hate.
Ashok, I am worried.
Yes, master, I know.
Sit with me a moment,
and let us search
for the calmness
of the all-illumined mind.
Claud, please, just this once,
don't be stubborn!
I tell you, I don't like it.
Chief Inspector?
I'm on duty.
Claud, I'll admit,
my methods are a little unorthodox.
Unorthodox? They're arrogant,
illegal, dangerously incompetent,
and criminal.
I agree.
All right, go ahead.
Claud, there are times when I think
you are a truly extraordinary man.
Well,...I'll drink to that.
Ashok,...
..I have made my decision.
Please bring the motor car.
We must make a short journey.
Right, let's have a little chat.
Good evening, Ashok.
Put the lights out, Ashok, will you?
So, we got here.
That's fairly obvious, isn't it?
Guru, you'd better speak to Inspector
Teal about the all-illumined mind.
Mark you, from where I'm standing,
it's pretty well illuminated already.
So, all we have to do is wait.
In the dark, I think -
it has more element of surprise.
If you ask me,
this is a complete waste of time.
Patience, Claud, patience.
Solved any good cases ever?
Er, lately, Claud?
Mr Bearsley.
Why don't you sit down?
So it is true.
Yes.
Is that all you have to say?
What do you want me to say?
You know what I've done.
Yes.
But we don't know why.
I lived in India for many years.
My husband was a civil servant.
I learned a great deal
about the religions,
the languages, the customs.
But when he d*ed,
I came back to England with nothing.
Except this cottage.
Then, about two years ago,
I met the guru.
I was very familiar with his type.
Trusting and honest.
Impractical and a dreamer.
You said you believed in
what I taught.
I said a lot of things.
When I offered to work for him
for nothing,
he was deeply touched.
I did his banking, his bookkeeping.
He had no idea how much people gave.
So you siphoned some of it off.
It was the fact that
my husband's name was Edward
and mine is Edna
that first gave me the idea.
You created a mythical character.
People who don't exist
cannot pay taxes...or go to prison.
And the donations that were made
by cheque
went into the guru's account.
Yes. And the ones in cash
into Ed Bearsley's.
What made Alan Williams
start investigating?
Brenda Stafford donated
a very expensive ring.
Your property, Guru.
Alan Williams wanted it back.
So you k*lled him.
No, Claud,...she didn't.
You see?
So the guru's books were cooked -
I told you.
But the guru wasn't at the soup.
This particular broth was spoiled
by Mrs White.
Well, I figured as much.
Very clever boy, Foxie.
Now, at the risk of
repeating myself,
I'll jog your memory a little.
Your ex-client, Brenda.
After her tragic death,
her brother Alan
started investigating her finances.
He figured she was worth
about £,,
but her bank statement
showed only .
So Alan began to wonder:
where, oh where, had , gone?
What's the matter, Foxie? Nervous?
Templar, listen...
No, you listen!
Alan went to the recording company & found out
they had written a cheque to Brenda for £,.
After she d*ed!
The record company sent the cheque
to you - quite naturally,
you being her agent. But you weren't
satisfied with your usual %.
You wanted her % as well.
I had to, I was desperate.
So when Alan said
he was onto a swindle,
he didn't mean the guru,
he meant you.
And when he challenged you with it,
you stuck a Kn*fe in his back.
No, I didn't, it was Tony.
Tony being the gorilla you had
waiting in the garage for me?
Yes. I said if he'd help me
we'd split the money.
He broke into Alan's flat to look
for the envelope. He k*lled him.
And since Tony d*ed from a b*llet
you meant for me,
he can't deny it, can he?
It was you who squeezed the trigger.
Oh, come on, Foxie,
admit it.
Just for the record.
Yes, but you'll never prove a thing.
All right, Claud,
or do you want more?
Cheer up, Foxie,
the record you just made
may find its way into the Top Ten.
Here you are, Claud.
You'll find my fingerprints on it,
so don't let them confuse you. While
you're charging him, I'll pop along.
Oh, Templar.
Claude, please.
Don't break the habit of a lifetime
by thanking me.
And one other thing - call me Simon.
Good night, Templar.