21x19 - From Russia With Love

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an ASPCA commercial

with the wrong music.

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Oh, they seem to be doing okay.

Hey, can you guys keep it down?
I'm about to go on IG Live.

Like I said, "IG Live."

All right, Meg's going
for her phone. She...

Uhp, no, she's just scratching herself.

Well, uh, anyway,
if-if you guys are gonna join,

just go into another room,
or I'll get interference.

Other than that, uh...

I don't know, just buckle up
and enjoy the ride.

Oh, and I tagged Kurt Vonnegut's nephew,

so just... just be cool on there.

Boy, he's sure living
a lot longer than we expected.

Going live in three, two, one.

(HOWLS) What's up, IG Live?!

It's Brian Griffin, and
you are live in the "Dog House."

Okay, no viewers yet. I'll do it again.

Hopefully I can keep that energy.

Uhp, got my first viewer.

Whoa! Getting a little crowded in here.

And @BuyCryptoKid has
left the building.

All right, welcome @WinACarAskMeHow.

And we got @LearnGuitarln Days
on the line.

Let's get started.

What I'm sure is on both your minds is:

what is the "hero's journey"?

Well, that's a question pondered
by writers for many, many...

Welcome, @Gain Inchesln Week...
Many years.

Let me recap what we've learned so far.

Writer, "hero's journey,"
many, many, many years.

On the page that seemed
like eight minutes of material.

Should we bail him out with a question?

No, we're not gonna
bail him out with a question.

We're gonna... You know what?

I will ask him a question.
Give me your phone.

(NOTIFICATION POPS)

(GASPS) We're gonna take a quick break.

Hey, guys, I brought in your paper.

Why do you get the newspaper
if you're not gonna read it?

Eh, sometimes I use it
to punctuate my sentences.

Well, anyway, I have a proposal
for the two of you.

Well, this ought to be interesting.

Are the two of you free tonight
for a double date?

I'm seeing this girl, and
I think she's something special.

I want you to meet her.

Oh, Glenn, that's wonderful.

A-And you're sure she's not
a sex worker this time?

No, I-I'm pretty sure.

I've offered her money many
times, and she hasn't taken it.

A double date sounds great.
We'd love to go.

(SINGSONGY): Ooh,
the Quag's got a girlfriend.

Ah! Get off me! We don't have
that kind of relationship.

Shoo! Go on, Meg!
Get away from the house guest!

Get away from the house guest!

Sometimes I also use it for that.

ANNOUNCER:
Newspapers: Because your parrot

can't (BLEEP) on an iPad.

- (NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
- Whoa.

A DM from @Officiallnstagram?

"Hello, Brian.

"As a famous writer,
you are now eligible

to become a verified account."

Yes! Finally!

Well, maybe next you can get
a verified paycheck.

Why is your paper
called Brazilian Teens?

Well, what's your paper of
record for tan butts?

Exactly.

I can't wait to meet this
new girlfriend of Quagmire's.

You know, I always write
their names down

in case his life becomes a Dateline.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! It's her!

- What? It's who?
- Quagmire's girlfriend is

my old junior high school bully,
Stephanie.

She made my life a living hell.

Oh, see, that guy's wearing sandals.

I could've worn mine.

Peter, you don't know this

because you met me in high school,

but middle school was a
painfully awkward phase for me.

(LIVELY CHATTER)

I had horrible acne,
I had to wear a back brace,

and to make things worse, only
one of my boobs had come in.

I had to resort to filling
the empty side of my bra

with a Pop-O-Matic
from the board game Trouble.

(POPPING)

The other kids were cruel and
would call me horrible names.

(LAUGHTER)

- Look, it's Scoli-Lois.
- What a freak.

I just ate a sandwich, so
I'm waiting minutes to swim.

LOIS: But the worst bully
of them all was Stephanie.

Hey, Lois, watch your step.

Your shoe's untied.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHTER)

LOIS: No one even tried to help.

- What a loser!
- Walk much?

more minutes.

I would've drowned
if it wasn't for the buoyancy

of the Pop-O-Matic.

- (POPS)
- (GASPING)

Stephanie never even apologized,
and junior high trauma

is something you don't recover from.

Yeah, my gym teacher drove me
home without his pants on,

but your story sounds bad, too.

Well, looks like all that
hard work is finally paying off.

I got verified on Instagram.

Look at that, a blue check.

Blue check? That's green.

Brian, you got hacked.

That's ridiculous.

Someone DM'd me and said

they just needed
my mother's maiden name,

the last four numbers of my credit card,

and the first numbers
of my credit card.

Then they responded right away with,

"Thank you, comploted."

Huh.

That's not how you spell "completed."

- (PHONE RINGS)
- It's my credit card company.

Hello?

No, that wasn't me.

No. No. Ma'am,
I wouldn't know what to do

with that many Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts.

- Yuck.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

Okay, you were right. I got hacked.

I'm so mad,
that hacker has me seeing gray.

Red. It's red, Brian.

Why are you so upset?

You already canceled your credit card.

This hacker is destroying my Instagram.

I have a brand.

Posting Steve Harvey stand-up jokes

is actually Steve Harvey's brand.

I think you should just
give your account to the hacker.

I mean, your Instagram wasn't
setting the world on fire.

And I suppose
the hacker's posts are better?

Look at this, it's just
a half a bottle of vodka

that says, "Eto vodka-chas gde-to."

Brian, what does that even mean?

Hit "See translation."

"It's vodka o'clock somewhere."

(LAUGHING): Oh,
that's very funny. That's very funny.

You know, I've heard
it's "wine o'clock,"

but I've never heard it with vodka.

That's what... That's-that's
whip smart is what that is.

No! No, it's not!

Stewie, I need to get my account back.

I-I may have sent
some weird DMs to Zendaya

that I'd rather
not see the light of day.

Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya?

Yeah, a little from column A,
a little from column B.

We need to get that account back.

Lois Pewterschmidt, what a small world.

Nice to see you, too.

You have aged infuriatingly well.

So, how did you two meet?

Did you both escape
from the same sex cult?

Sex cults sound terrible,

but also, how do I get invited to one?

- You tell it.
- No, you tell it.

No, you just tell it.

- No, you. Fine, I'll go.
- No, you, you go.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, Tinder.

Huh, didn't really need
that whole parade.

And how did you two meet?

Lois was dating another guy,
and I threatened to k*ll myself.

Lois, remember you had that back brace

everyone said made you look like
an ironing board in a sweater?

(GIGGLES) Say more stuff.

You were a nerd? I thought
you said you were a prom queen.

Prawn Queen.

She ate a lot of shellfish,

and her back was curved liked a shrimp.

(GIGGLES) I've never meant this before,

but we should do this again.

Kids were so mean back then.

Well, I barely remember those years.

Peter and I have three lovely kids.

They're a lot happier since
you're allowed to be fat now.

Being a mom is the most
fulfilling job in the world.

Oh, do you have kids?

Be careful how you answer this.

Oh, I wish I did,
but after medical school,

then a four-year residency,
a two-year specialty,

three years in Central America
with Doctors Without Borders...

Okay. Well, I'm sure
all those achievements

will come visit you
when you're on your death bed.

Excuse me, some of
the other diners have complained

that you're not talking loudly enough.

They're loving these stories
about how she was a nerd.

It was "prawn queen"! Like the shrimp!

MAN: Oh, that's even funnier!

(CHUCKLES) You know what?

I feel sorry for Stephanie now.

Really? What part?
The good skin or the great job?

Oh, pfft. "Great job."

Anyone can be a doctor in Ecuador.

You think they're checking diplomas?

And she doesn't have any kids.

Probably can't. You know why? GMOs.

Just gonna run this light real quick.

- (ENGINE REVS)
- (HORN HONKS)

Settle down.

I mean, I ate way better
than she was eating.

Did you see I ordered a salad?

It was a wedge that was mostly
bleu cheese and bacon.

It was listed under "salad."

But did you notice Stephanie
ordered french fries?

French fries, no kids, you do the math.

Anyway, point is, I won dinner.

- (HORN HONKS)
- Settle down.

I mean, you-you think
I won dinner, right, Peter?

Well, you did eat a lot faster than her.

And-and now that I think about it,

after she said I looked "good,"
she looked right at my hands.

What does that mean? Age comes
out in the hands, Peter.

Maybe she's trying to figure out
how old I am!

Well, but she knows how old I am.

(GASPS) I bet she was judging
my tiny wedding ring.

Why was she looking at my hands, Peter?!

I think your thumb was in the butter.

But did she see that?

I don't know, but
nobody ate butter after that,

so yeah, probably.

I love that she had to ask
what "caprese" was.

What a dumb bitch.

What-What's going on with your face?

(LAUGHS): I don't know
what you're talking about.

Maybe-maybe it's a giant grin, huh?

From having triumphed
over my former bully!

There's a rash forming
on the back of your legs.

What? There is?

- (BACK CRACKS)
- Ah! Son of a bitch!

Lois, what the hell's going on with you?

I don't know!

I think seeing Stephanie brought back

one of my old junior high school
panic att*cks.

(GASPING) Quick,
I have to do the only thing

that would calm me back then:

lie in a dark room
and try to blast Sarah McLachlan

but accidentally play the wrong song.

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ Everybody have... ♪

Oh, phew, Lois seems to be doing okay.

♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight ♪

♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪

Have we ever been alone
in a room together before?

- So, Instagram update...
- We're talking!

The hacker contacted me.

He's demanding $ , !

I hear you're looking to k*ll somebody.

What? No. I'm just trying to find a guy

who hacked my Instagram account.

I can also help with that.

I'm really good at finding cyberbullies.

One time, I got
an anonymous tweet telling me

to go k*ll myself and I tracked
the IP address to...

- Chrissy Teigen.
- Chrissy Teigen?

Yeah, that's... It's kind of her thing.

- I don't know how you're gonna find...
- That's in Russia.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

How do you know how to speak Russian?

If you watch enough super dark
videos on the Internet,

eventually you're gonna learn Russian.

First, just the Russian words
for "please don't k*ll me,"

but it's amazing how those
are really the building blocks

of an entire language.

- German's very similar.
- And then I was able to make

some friends in a Russian AOL chat room.

You've got a whole
little life going on, huh?

Can you figure out what city
this hacker lives in?

Okay, I'm thinking
the big boys in Moscow

are phishing in Europe.

Russia has time zones,
so if we triangulate

the activity through peak hours...

Yup. Just what I thought.

- Chelyabinsk.
- That was fast.

You got to move fast in this world, bro.

So, are we gonna go
find this guy or what?

All right, looks like
we're going to Russia.

Russia? We can't go there.
They're at w*r with Ukraine!

- They are? Whoa, crazy.
- I say we do it.

We're really gonna go
to a country at w*r,

and we couldn't go to my
business meeting on Fire Island?

What business meeting?

I sell bikini swimsuits
for "men of size."

- You mean fat guys?
- No.

(LAUGHS): No, no, no, no, no, no.

Are you here
for business or displeasure?

We're here to find the hacker that...

Stole your Instagram, yes.

Enjoy ten-square kilometer of country

that don't make Geiger counter
go "beep, beep, beep."

- (BEEPING)
- Hey!

It's that way.

And then Nurse Maguire
gave everyone a valentine

except for me.

I want to be picked up now, Mom.

Fine, I'll see you at : .

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- (SOBS)

- What do you want?
- Dr. Hartman,

I have no idea what's going on.

I feel like I'm turning back
into my old teenage self,

and there's nothing I can do about it.

I see. Did you recently
run into an old bully

or were you tagged
in a very unflattering

Throwback Thursday photo?

I did. I ran into a girl who
terrorized me in junior high

and she used to call me Scoli-Lois.

(LAUGHS) Like "scoliosis."
That's very good.

I just learned what that is
today, as a matter of fact.

Dr. Hartman, what's happening to me?

Well, Mrs. Griffin,
I think you're suffering

from severe nerd damage.

I am? What's that?

You see, all nerds are
one tossed-off joke away

from reverting to their worst,
most humiliating selves.

But I don't want to be a nerd forever.

Tell you what,
find the coolest guy in school

and give him a tug behind the bleachers.

That usually solves it.

Does that really work?

I don't know.

Why don't we go find out.

♪ ♪

Hey, you guys, this is exciting.

I'm reading about Chelyabinsk,

and if it's not too much trouble,

I'd love to swing by
Kuznetsov's tea-packing factory.

It was built in

and briefly popularized
the phrase "Have a cup of Kuz."

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Oh, you're no fun.

Meg? Cup of Kuz?

Come on, we got to find this guy.

Now, think like a hacker.
Where would he be?

Why don't we just follow
this giant ethernet cable?

Did you know Chelyabinsk is known

as "the Chicago of the Urals?"

I'm-I'm, like, pinching myself,
I'm that jazzed.

Let me handle this.

I sorry. I also conveniently
speak a little English.

Come in, I explain over cup of Kuz.

Oh, jackpot! And you know
they're gonna have good Kuz.

First, I must know,
is it true in America

there's a man named
Cedric who entertains?

- Uh, yeah.
- Wow.

So, Brian Griffin,
is this beautiful American wife?

Me? No, I'm not married.

You are like big beautiful nesting doll

that holds other dolls inside.

- You really mean that?
- Da.

You are the outside one

because it has to fit
all the other ones.

Aw, Meg, you're pretty
in this very ugly country.

Brian, I only stole account
because it made me feel

like I was living happy American
life of big writer man.

He has five followers.

I have nobody and nothing to live for.

Well, you have to have some family.

No, they all burnt.

At least you have a place to call home.

Nyet. My apartment also burnt.
This temporary.

I lived in puddle for while
but sun dried up my house.

I yell at sun, "Give it back!"
But it never does.

That is why every day I wake up
and sh**t single b*llet at sun.

That would actually make
a good Instagram.

Post that every day.

What? It would.

♪ ♪

I don't understand why
the man who can't go swimming

has a pool party.

Once the harness is fixed,
I can be lowered.

Wasn't this a great idea of Stephanie's?

After the dinner we had,
she told me all about the fun

you guys used to have at pool parties.

Oh, okay, that's nice.

Don't you think it's a little strange

that Stephanie would want
to have a pool party

when that's the very place
she humiliated me?

I-I'm sorry, Lois. There's a guy
here who's fatter than me,

and I'm just checking out
his front-meats.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Lois. You're not going in?

No, I'm covered in Differin gel.

I can't go in the chlorine or the sun.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, sorry, Lois.

I thought you were the towel return bin.

Well, if you need anything,
I'll be over there

playing generic backyard party
football with your husband.

I can play, too.

(GRUNTS)

As soon as I unclasp my hernia girdle.

Aah!

(GARGLING, GASPING)

(COUGHING)

You pushed me! She pushed me!

Lois, let me help.

Oh, you can drop the act, Stephanie.

You may have won everyone over,
but you're nothing more

than a mean girl and a bully,

just like you were in junior high.

But karma comes in many forms,
including stretch marks.

- We all see them!
- I don't see them.

BOTH: Above the knee on her left thigh.

You pushed me now,

just like you pushed me
back in junior high.

Lois, I never pushed you.

I was trying to help you.

I was always trying to help you.

Hey, Lois, watch your step!

- Your shoe's untied.
- Aah!

And what about just now?

You got an excuse for that?

Well, yes.

I was trying to catch a football
thrown by your husband.

I wasn't trying to complete the pass.

I was just trying
to show the other wives

how far I can throw it.

So, this whole time
you never bullied me?

No. I always admired how you persevered

through all these burdens.

In fact, you inspired me
to start my own foundation

for kids with scoliosis.

This year, we have
Scoli-Lois scholars.

- Fifty?
- Yes, all in your honor.

Oh, I'm sorry, Stephanie.
I-I guess I was wrong.

All right! That means it's
your turn to service me in bed.

No, Peter, that's only when I'm wrong

about something having to do with you.

Chris, don't let anyone touch my cake.

I'll be back in ten minutes.

Hi, Lois' friends!

Well, you ready to head home, Stewie?

What's that, Brian?

Sorry, I'm muling
quite a bit of Kuz right now.

Where's your stuff?

Brian, we came here to find your account

but found something much more valuable:

my happiness.

Yeah, le-let me be the writer, Meg.

I can't go back home.

What? You're staying in Russia?

This is a country where
female body hair is encouraged,

where I can eat root vegetables
straight from the ground

without being placed under
an involuntary psychiatric hold.

Last night, when Ivan made love to me...

- Aah, no, no, no.
- Uh, please, please stop.

- Nope, nope, nope.
- Stop, stop.

He said, (RUSSIAN ACCENT): "Meg Griffin,

you have strong haunches like horse."

(REGULAR ACCENT): How sweet is that?

I'm an eight in Russia, Brian.

I'm staying here.

Well, okay.

But we're truly gonna miss you.

And if this really is
the end of our time together,

we probably ought to tally up
expenses from the trip.

Oh, um, okay.

Yeah, I bought that magazine
at the airport,

so let's put that in the "group" column.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
- Yeah, no,

airport purchases,
we said, were all together.

You're the only one who read that.

It goes in the "Brian" column.

You read the cover. You commented on it.

All I said was, "When did
Miles Teller get so jacked?"

- Yeah. That's reading.
- That's not reading.

That's just looking at a picture
and commenting.

So you're saying
the words "Miles Teller"

were not on the cover?

Oh, okay, well,
when I bought my Clif Bar,

you said, "Mmm, peanut butter
and chocolate, looks good."

Sounds like a group expense to me.

No way. Meg, wouldn't you
call that a personal...

- Uhp, she's gone.
- Yep.

Guess we're covering
her neck pillow, huh?

Oh, g*ng, we got
another postcard from Meg.

"Dear Mom and Dad,

"I've contracted rinderpest,

"also known as cattle plague,

"which has been eradicated
from most of the world,

"except from here.

They say I'm a local now, ha-ha."

Aw, I'm just glad she's having fun.

Yeah, and thank God

everything worked out
between me and Stephanie,

so I can finally put all that
middle school baggage behind me.

And maybe I can start putting

some of my other baggage behind me.

Peter, we need to talk.

I think this relationship has...

If you leave me I will k*ll myself.

(SIGHS)

I love us.