03x08 - We'll Never Have Paris

[bunniefuu]

[ARLO] Jamie Tartt collects.

He's been Richmond's
unequivocal talisman today.

- He finds Rojas and it's there!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

["MY EVER CHANGING MOODS" PLAYING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[ARLO] Richmond have beaten
Aston Villa three-nil,

- with an offensive display...
- Oh!

... as dazzling as it is unfamiliar.

[ARLO] AFC Richmond make it
two decisive wins in a row.

- [CHEERING]
- Southampton never knew what hit them.

Bumbercatch with a th-minute
winner over Tottenham.

- The dog track has gone absolutely potty!
- [WHISTLE BLOWING]

Another sensational win for
Richmond away at Everton.

That's four in a row. Amazing.
Life is good for the Greyhounds.

It's a lucky streak. What
goes up always comes down.

[ARLO] Exciting times on Nelson Road,

and you have to think that no one
is happier than Coach Ted Lasso.

[MUSIC ECHOES, FADES]

[DISTORTED AUDIO]

[DINER MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm glad this little
trip worked out for y'all.

Yeah. Henry's really excited
to spend the weekend with you.

- Oh, yeah. Well, you know...
- [GAME SOUND EFFECTS]

I'll take face-to-face
time over FaceTime anytime.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Yeah. A-And you know, I wanna say,
it's been nice to, uh... [STAMMERS]

... get to remeet you, Dr. Jacob.

[CHUCKLES] Ted, please. I
insist, just call me Jake.

- You got it, Jake.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, nope. Still feels
weird to me, you know?

[CHUCKLES] Like whenever
I hear white folks

call Jay-Z "Jigga man," you know?

[CHUCKLES] Or like when you
see a priest wearing shorts.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Weird, you know?

Or when you get pulled over by
a cop who's the same age as you.

You're like, "Come on, man, be cool.

- What we doing here?" You know?
- [CHUCKLING]

[TED CHUCKLES]

Can I get some more money
for the pinball, please?

- Yeah, let's see...
- Yeah.

- [STAMMERS]
- [STAMMERS] You... You go.

- You go ahead.
- Okay.

I don't know what I have. Uh, let's see.

There are some magnets I
gotta bring back to work

and a matchbook. Uh...

Oh, maybe I do. Let me
just see. I got... No.

A pocketful of American coins

and a complimentary sleep mask

that did not fit 'cause
I have a huge head.

- Ah.
- [MICHELLE CHUCKLES]

Come on, Prince Henry.

I rigged the machine so
you can play without coins.

You said that was impossible.

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- [MAE CHUCKLES]

Here you go. Two English
breakfasts. Enjoy.

- Thank you.
- [TED] Mmm.

Nothing's impossible.

Um, I should wash my hands
'cause I touched dirty money.

Uh, I'm a hand-wash guy, Ted.

[MICHELLE] Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

He's a hand-wash guy.

- Well, better safe than sorry. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. Right?

- Are you sure you're not hungry?
- No, no. I'm good.

I had a big old piece of cereal at home.

- Um, yeah.
- Okay.

Uh, besides, you know,
English breakfast to me

is just a pile of a bunch of
little, tiny piles, you know?

- [CHUCKLES]
- But please, help yourself.

You're gonna need your strength,

hiking around that English countryside.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, yeah. Um, about that.

Yeah?

Jake told me on the plane he's
actually taking me to Paris.

It was a surprise.

Oh, Paris.

[STAMMERS] Great, yeah. Uh, w-which one?

You know, Paris, Texas? Paris, Arkansas?

Paris, Ohio? Or the other Paris in Ohio?

Actually, I think there's
three Parises in Ohio.

Or do you say "Parese"? Par... Um...

"Paris" Paris. You know, in France.

Oh. The default Paris.

Right.

Cool, cool. Well, that's
gonna be, uh, real, um...

[EXHALES] I wish I knew the
French word for "nice." [CHUCKLES]

Très bien. [CHUCKLES]

Très bien.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

You know, I think hooking up with you

might just be my favorite thing ever.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah?

Yeah. Well... [CHUCKLES]
... second favorite.

Mmm. Go on then. [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS] Sorry.

- There goes my boner.
- [CHUCKLES]

[KEELEY SIGHS]

Oh. My dad told my
Uncle Bernie I'm in town,

and he's invited me to his big,

swanky polo event tomorrow.
Would you wanna go?

Oh. [STAMMERS]

Uh, the one time I've been on a
horse was for a photo sh**t years ago.

Horse was so drugged up

that it could've been the
guitarist in the Sex Pistols.

[CHUCKLES] No, uh, we don't play.

We just stand around
and drink champagne.

- Oh, right. Of course, yeah.
- It's for charity.

You know, c-celebrities, red
carpet, big trays of tiny food.

It's a whole thing. We should go.

Be fun to show off my girlfriend.

Sounds great. And it gives me
an excuse to go to Harvey Nicks!

[CHUCKLES] Okay, I'll tell Uncle
Bernie. He's gonna love you.

I didn't know your dad had a brother.

No, uh, sorry. "Uncle"
Bernie is a family friend.

- Bernard Arnault. He runs...
- [GASPS] Moët and Louis Vuitton!

- Does he need another fake niece?
- You can ask him yourself tomorrow.

- That's very cool. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

More importantly...

- where were we?
- Champagne.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Harvey Nicks.
- [CHUCKLES] Mm-hmm.

[CELL PHONE MESSAGE ALERT WHISTLE]

- Fake uncles.
- Mm-hmm.

[MESSAGE ALERT WHISTLE REPEATS]

Drugged horses.

[MESSAGE ALERT WHISTLE REPEATING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, f*ck.

- Hey. Morning.
- Morning.

[SIGHS, GRUNTS] That was nice.

You staying over, I mean. Not the, um...

Well, that... Obviously, that was
nice as well. I don't... [CHUCKLES]

- Your breath smells good.
- Thank you.

Did you go off and brush your
teeth and then sneak back into bed?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. [CHUCKLES]

Does my breath smell
awful? [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Yeah, it does, ac... [CHUCKLING]

- Yeah, it is quite bad.
- [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS]

Um, so, look, would you want
to go and grab some breakfast?

I don't know if you've
got plans or... or what.

No, breakfast sounds good.

Uh, you know, I don't have, um,

any meals planned with anybody
else in the foreseeable future.

I don't know. Do... Do you? [STAMMERS]

No, I don't.

So if, um... If someone were
to, uh... to ask about us,

wh-what terminology
would you best recommend

describes our relationship?

No, there's no pressure to label us,

um... [STAMMERS] ... you
and I. I just... Yeah.

- All right.
- Yeah. [STAMMERS]

Yeah, no, 'cause...
'cause I'm just cool.

[STAMMERS] Just cool
and casual. I just...

Me too. Wait. Did you shave?

Yeah. Yeah, and showered. After I
used the toilet in next door's flat.

Weird.

- [TOILET SEAT BANGS]
- [JADE URINATING]

Wow.

Hi, baby. I know you're all the
way up there in chilly Newcastle,

so here's a little
something to warm you up.

["CRIMINAL" PLAYING ON PHONE]

[KEELEY CHUCKLES]

Nope. You're right. I
shouldn't watch it. [GROANS]

sh*t. How did that get on the
Internet? A private video that...

Apparently, there's been some
massive leak. It's not just you.

It's actresses, singers,
a couple politicians,

some random reality show
guy with a very big d*ck.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
this is happening. I...

How did that... f*ck!
f*ck. [BREATHING SHAKILY]

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, this is bad, because my friends
are gonna see this. My family.

- The team.
- Take a breath.

Oh, my God, and the
office. I'm their boss.

- [BREATHING SHAKILY]
- Keeley, stop. Take a breath.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Yeah.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

It's gonna be okay. I'm
gonna take care of it, okay?

Thank you. [INHALES SHAKILY]

Okay, Henry. We have scored
excellently on kit presentation.

Hanger integrity: insane.

But we did drop a little on
the towel folding, didn't we?

But that's okay. I've been there.

But that does lead us
on to our next task,

which is towel placement.

The question is, are you ready?

[BREATHES DEEPLY] Yeah.

Are you steady?

Yeah.

- In that case, go, go, go!
- [TIMER BEEPS]

Is this a game or child labor?

In late-stage capitalism,
what's the difference?

- Word.
- You're doing really, really well, Henry.

Then we'll go into the weight room

and do some cleaning
next. That'll be great.

- Hey, fellas, let me ask you something.
- [TRENT] Hmm?

If you could propose to someone,
you know, a-anywhere in the world,

w-where... where would you do it?

[ROY, TRENT] Paris.

The Hall of Mirrors at
Linderhof Palace in Germany,

because if she agreed, I'd be
surrounded by a thousand yeses.

Or Paris. Why?

Dr. Jacob is gonna propose to Michelle.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- Yeah.
- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.

- Do you wanna talk about it?
- Yes, I do.

Diamond Dogs, mount up!

[GROANS] Never f*cking mind.

[BARKING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Uh, what... what's going on? What...
What... What's the Diamond Dogs?

It's a living f*cking nightmare!

The Diamond Dogs are a group of men
committed to supporting each other

by sharing their most intimate thoughts,

feelings and experiences. You in or out?

O-Oh, I'm in.

- [BANGS ON DESK]
- g*dd*mn it!

Roy chose "out."

Yeah, I assumed.

[HIGGINS PANTING]

Sorry, just... [PANTING]

- I... I just came as fast as I could.
- Take your time.

- Hey, we appreciate your expediency.
- Oh, I got a bit light-headed.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Oh, balance. Okay. [SIGHS] I am okay.

First order of business:
new member. [barking]

[ALL BARKING]

Coach, you have the floor.

Dr. Jacob and Michelle
are getting engaged.

Ooh. It's a hard moment
when an ex moves on.

- Mm-hmm.
- Did he at least ask your permission?

Well, I'm her ex-husband,
not her current father.

So, no, he... No.

- Oh.
- How did you find out?

[SCOFFS] He took her to Paris.

Can you believe that?

That's it?

- Unbelievable. [SIGHS]
- What?

Uh, Ted, I ran down the stairs
for this and up some other stairs.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I'm gonna have
leg cramps in my sleep tonight.

Okay, now, hold on a second,
okay? This is happening, all right?

My man took Michelle to
Paris on a surprise trip.

Why else would he do that?

C-Can I just talk whenever?

[TED, HIGGINS, COACH BEARD BARKING]

Well, he's right, Ted.

You can't worry about something
that hasn't happened yet.

Ooh, what he said.

If anything, you should
find out before you flip out.

Mm-hmm. "Find out before
you flip out," huh?

Yeah, okay. No, no, that...

Yeah, you're right.
You're right. [CHUCKLES]

Of course. Thank you.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Hey.

Um, all right. Anybody
else got something?

[HIGGINS MUMBLES]

Roy, you got anything
you wanna talk about?

- f*ck you.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

All right. Well, Diamond
Dogs, disperse then. [HOWLING]

- [ALL HOWLING]
- Woof!

- Am I in trouble?
- No, no, nothing like that. No. Promise.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, no, that's okay.

Uh, no, thank you for coming.
Um, just take a seat. Thank you.

Just waiting on one more.

[SIGHS] There you go.

- [DISCO CLEARING THROAT]
- Are we in trouble?

No. Nobody's in trouble. Uh, just, um...

Well, you know, I
just don't wanna say it

until everyone's here, so... [CHUCKLES]

I'll call. It's fine. I'll just call.

[LINE RINGING]

- [MS. KAKES] Hello, Coach Shelley.
- Oh, hello, uh, Ms. Kakes.

Um, I just wondered if, uh...

if Rupert was on his way to my
office for our special meeting.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MS. KAKES] No, he's not coming to that.

[STAMMERS] I mean, he said that
he would, so... I mean, is he busy?

[MS. KAKES] No.

[LINE CLICKS, DISCONNECTS]

It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry.
Um, I guess it's just us then.

Uh, for the very first meeting
of the... Drumroll, please.

Love Hounds.

[HOWLS, CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS] I thought that
we... we men could, uh,

get together whenever we
needed, every now and then,

and just talk and help each other out

with how things are going
on in our personal lives.

Okay.

Well, I'd love to
talk about the stresses

of taking care of my aging parents.

[STAMMERS] Yeah, I'll start.

Um, so I... I've started seeing
this girl, and it's going real well.

I really like her. She's great.

Um, but she's hesitant
to label our relationship,

and I don't know
whether to give her space

or whether to let her know
just how strongly I feel

about us being together.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Disco, would you, uh... Do
you got any thoughts or...

I've been divorced three times. [SIGHS]

Never let them know how you
feel. It's very expensive.

Okay.

I re... I read this book that said,

"If you like a woman,
you should insult her."

Okay, this meeting's over, and
it'll probably never happen again.

- Thank you for coming. Thank you both.
- [DISCO SIGHS]

- Are we in trouble now?
- No, Roger. Just go. No. Thank you.

It's all right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [KNOCKS]
- Hey, Boss.

Morning, Ted.

- Here you go. [CHUCKLES]
- Morning. Thank you.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]
I could use your help.

Oh, of course. Anything. Wait.
Shouldn't you be at training?

Oh, yeah, but... [STAMMERS] ... don't
worry. I've got that all covered.

[PLAYERS CHANTING] Go, go, go, go!

[CHEERING]

Right. Okay, then. Well, how can I help?

- I need to hire a private investigator.
- Why?

'Cause Dr. Jacob took Michelle
to Paris, the French one,

and I'm pretty sure he's gonna propose.

Now I gotta find out if I'm right
so I don't flip out when I am.

Ted, people visit Paris
for all kinds of reasons.

- Yeah, like getting engaged.
- No. They go to eat the amazing food...

- After getting engaged.
- No.

Or they go to see Oscar Wilde's grave.

- Before they get engaged.
- No.

Or they visit the Louvre to
make fun of all the people

taking blurry pictures
of an overrated painting.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Where'd you
and Rupert get engaged?

That doesn't matter.

Aha! See, that's what I'm talking about.

Right now, Dr. Romance
is probably getting ready

to pop the question on
top of the Eiffel Tower,

the most romantic frigging
place in the world.

Oh, please. The Eiffel Tower is
just a lamppost with a publicist.

Rebecca, come on. I just need to
know what's going on with them.

Please help me.

Okay, Ted. I'll make the call.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Okay.

I didn't know Oscar Wilde was dead.

Some of his quotes feel
so modern, so of our time.

I know. Powerful.

[TED] Hmm. Okay. Okay.

- [KNOCKING]
- [GASPS] Come in.

Is now a good time, Ms. Jones?

Yes, of course. Yeah.

Hmm. Mmm. Uh, I'm sorry
about what happened.

Thank you, Barbara.

Um, Jack asked me to give you this.

Ooh, what is it?

It's... It's a statement.

Oh.

"Allow me to first offer
my sincere apologies.

I deeply regret that video that
some of you have seen online.

I'm beyond embarrassed,

and I should have never made
this video in the first place."

"I hope you can forgive me
while I learn and grow." Um.

Um... [SMACKS LIPS]

... Jack thought you could
post it across your socials.

But maybe not Facebook,
'cause that's just for, um,

grandparents and racists now, isn't it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Aw. Hey, hey, Jamie?
Jamie? Can I get some Lynx?

Yeah, sure, mate.
What's your pit flavor?

I've got Epic Fresh,
Sport Recharge, Java,

Africa, Ice Chill, Gold, Excite, Black,

Dark Temptation and Leather and Cookies.

- Leather and Cookies, please.
- Smart choice for a smart boy.

- There you go.
- Lovely stuff.

'Ey. Have you smelled this?

Yo! Yo, y'all see this?

A bunch of famous chicks
got their nude photos leaked.

[PLAYERS] Ooh.

[PLAYER] Oh, wow.

Ugh. Hey, The Sun is
calling it "The Great A-wank-ening."

- [PLAYERS SCOFF]
- What is the opposite of clever?

[ALL] The Sun.

Well, I guess I know what
I'm doing this weekend.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [ISAAC] Oi, f*ck that.

- We shouldn't be looking at that sh*t.
- Why not?

Because it wasn't
meant for us, Jan Maas.

It was their private property.

Nah, bro. If you don't want
your private pictures out there,

- just don't take naked pictures.
- [PLAYERS] Yeah.

Especially being famous.

What? Come on, man.

- It's that simple.
- f*ck that, Cowburn. No, man.

The only people to
blame are the dickheads

who steal your sh*t and put it online.

That's why I delete all
the photos on my phone.

I swear down. Especially
'cause I'm famous.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Hey, listen. I'm with Jamie on this one.

Whenever I have a relationship end,

I ask the girl to go through my phone,

delete any photos,
videos. Whatever she wants.

- Bro, for real?
- Yeah. I'm being serious.

Uh, you know, one girl
actually deleted Candy Crush.

[GROANS]

I was devastated, but I also understood.

Hey, hold on. Once someone sends
you a photo, don't you own it?

Hmm, copyright law on private
photography is quite murky.

It's not about the law.

It's about doing what is right.
Like in Les Misérables.

- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]
- Jean Valjean.

f*ck yeah, .

No, no, no, no. 'Ey, 'ey.
Deleting photos makes no sense.

Uh, what? Do we delete our memories too?

No, 'cause no one can
steal your memories.

That's not entirely true.

- [PLAYERS] Yes.
- [ISAAC] Nah.

What if I took the photo?

- You should delete it.
- What if it was a Christmas card?

Delete it, bro.

- What if it's artsy?
- [JAMIE] What the f*ck does that mean?

It's in black-and-white.
You can't see anything.

[JAMIE] Delete it, mate.

What if I'm in the photo?

- Delete it.
- Oh, I know. What about sonograms?

- Delete that sh*t.
- What if I'm French?

- [ISAAC] Delete it.
- What if she's naked, but not sexual?

- What the f*ck? What is she doing in it?
- She's just defecating.

- [JAMIE] Delete it, bro.
- Ooh. Ooh, oh.

- What about a commissioned painting?
- Is it in a nice frame?

It's leaning against my couch.

Gotta burn it, bro.

No, no, no. I shouldn't
have to delete my photos

just because they might get stolen.

It's my stuff. Don't touch it.

I'm with that. I'm with
that. That makes sense.

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

Whoa. Hey, guys, guys.

This article says Keeley was
one of the women who was hacked.

Right. Everybody, take out your phones.

Delete every single picture and
video that you've ever been sent. Now!

We're all targets for this
sh*t. So delete everything.

But we're professional
footballers. It could take days.

If not weeks.

Now!

[SIGHS]

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

[BUMBERCATCH] Hey, man,
take out your phone.

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS] Colin. I wasn't playing.
I told you to delete that sh*t.

I will, man. f*ck off.

- [SCOFFS] I said delete it right now.
- Hey! Hey.

- f*ck off.
- [SIGHS]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

This whole thing is
so f*cking upsetting.

I tried to watch the video this morning,

and immediately, boom, I was
right back to being again,

reliving that moment where
this topless photo I took

for Jimmy Daniels was being
passed around at school.

Ugh. Teenage boys can be awful.

Mr. Daniels was my teacher.

Oh. Well, men who act like
teenage boys actually are awful.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not an idiot.

I know there are tons of
topless photos of me online.

But those were my choice.

Absolutely. It makes a huge difference.

- Yeah.
- Is there anything I can do to help?

Restructure society so women
aren't constantly sexualized

while simultaneously being
crucified for being sexual?

- On it.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [SIGHS]
- [GLASS CLINKS]

- Should I be ashamed or embarrassed?
- What?

- I don't know.
- Oh.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

How did Jack respond?

Yeah, she was really lovely.

And then, um, I got this from her.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, she didn't write this.

- You don't think so?
- No, it's caked in lawyer ick.

You don't wanna say that, do you?

[SIGHS] No.

Then tell her that. Give
her a chance to surprise you.

- Thank you.
- Hmm.

You know, there might be a
silver lining in all this.

Just think of how many young
women you are going to teach

how to masturbate properly.

- What? [CHUCKLES]
- I'm serious.

Back in the day, I didn't
have a clue what I was doing.

And then one day I accidentally
bumped into my parents' couch

- and it felt nice, so I stuck with it.
- [CHUCKLES]

A year later, my mum had to
have everything reupholstered.

- [CHUCKLES]
- I blamed the dog.

- [GASPS] Well, that was smart.
- Yeah, we didn't have a dog.

- [LAUGHS] Oh, I love you.
- [LAUGHING]

I've got you.

Also, French sisters.

[SIGHS] Spanish twins.

[VOICE BREAKS]
Mom and daughter in Mexico.

Ah. I'll miss you all. [SIGHS] Merci.

- [PERSON] Hi. Thank you, love. Bye.
- Hi. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Oi, Keeley.

- [KEELEY] Hi.
- [GROANS]

Hey. Um...

I heard about what
happened. It's f*cking sh*t.

Yeah, on so many levels.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Roy.

You okay?

All things considered, yeah. Yeah.

Good. Good.

And you?

Oh, me, yeah, I'm... I'm good.

Who was it for?

What?

The video. Who was it for?

[SIGHS]

sh*t, I'm... I'm sorry, Keeley.
[STAMMERS] I'm really sorry.

It's okay. [CHUCKLES]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
- [ENGINE STARTS]

f*ck.

f*ck.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[JACK] Babe?

In here.

Hey.

How you doing?

Better. Worse. Everything.

I got your statement.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I
called my dad for advice,

and his lawyers got involved.

It's corporate fuckery at its finest.

Yet, you had Barbara give it to me.

Well, I tried to pick the most
sensitive, empathetic person I knew.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

[KISSING]

Jack, I can't do it.

I get it.

I'm just so sorry you have
to deal with all of this sh*t.

I'm sorry that you have to too.

[SIGHS]

How about, for the next few hours,

we pretend none of this sh*t happened?

Should we invite Barbara
over? Mess it all up?

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, let's definitely do that.

- I'll bet she's a party animal. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

You actually have no idea.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

[TED] "Asim was right, Marcus thought.

They were failing, and worse
than that, they were wasting time.

They were gonna wait
another day before meeting?

That would only leave two days,
and one of them was Saturday,

when they wouldn't be at Breakfast Club.

What if he never got his football
back from the creature? What if...

A large hand landed
on Marcus's shoulder,

and he spun around to find Mr.
Anderson looking down at him.

'I heard you went under
the fence,' he said."

Oh, boy.

We're gonna stop there for
the night. Cliff-hanger.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, how was your flight out?

Good.

Yeah?

Do you know I have the most air
miles of any kid in my school?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, that don't surprise me.

Things at school good though? You
and Doug back on track and all that?

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

We're starting a band.

Starting a band? Really?

All right. What instrument
are you gonna play?

Drums.

Okay. Well, your mom's gonna love that.

You know what? Now might be
a good time to let you know

that Dave Grohl learned
to play drums on pillows.

We don't have to tell your
mom that though right away.

- Yeah, exactly. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Not as fun.

Mmm.

Getting all your homework done?

I have to, or I can't watch TV.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Of course.
You know how it goes.

- Homework. Dinner. TV time.
- Homework. Dinner. TV time.

[CHUCKLES] That's right.

Mmm. Good system.

Does, um...

Does Dr. Jacob ever, you know,
hang out around TV time with you?

Who is that?

Uh, no. Uh, sorry. Jake.
Uh, Mom's friend, Jake.

- Sometimes.
- Sometimes, yeah.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Yeah. That's all right.

Does he ever...

read to you, like, at
night? Like, bedtime?

It's totally fine.

Nothing wrong with that,
I think that's great.

It's good to have people in your life

that are excited to be
around you, you know?

Especially if, you know...

it's someone who makes
your mom happy and all that.

Which he seems to do.

You guys get along all right?

Oh.

Hmm.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Hmm.

Come on, man.

[YAWNS]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

[MESSAGING SOUND EFFECTS]

[YAWNS, SIGHS]

[KEELEY] Good morning.

- Holy sh*t.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't wanna wake you, so I went out

and did some cheeky retail therapy.

I loved it so much, I
didn't want to take it off.

- What do you think?
- [CHUCKLES] You look incredible.

I mean, nothing but the best
for our dear Uncle Bernie, right?

sh*t.

Babe, I canceled that.

I just... After the whole thing,

I thought you wouldn't want to be
around a bunch of press and cameras.

I'm sorry. I should've asked.

- I thought I was doing the right thing.
- No. Don't apologize.

You're right. Thank you.
I didn't think about that.

But you know what?

Leave it on, and I'll put on
my own k*ller f*cking outfit,

and we can go do
something stupid and fun

and look amazing while doing it.

Yeah, okay.

No, actually, take it off.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, keep the hat on, but...
- Jesus.

... everything else is
definitely coming off.

- [CHUCKLES, SQUEALS]
- [CHUCKLES]

[TED] Okay, bud.

Coach and I got the whole day off.

We're talking no game,
no scouting, no nothing.

The world is our oyster.

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

Okay. Well, how about the
world is our shrimp cocktail?

- [BOTH] Hmm.
- [TED] Okay, great.

All right, Coach. What
are our options? [SIGHS]

There is a immersive Jack
the Ripper walking tour...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... that Jane's been raving about.

It's, like, six hours long, and
at one point, you get chased.

- Mm-mmm.
- [HENRY] Mmm.

What are you nuts? I mean, he's a boy.

Fine, there's the London Eye.
There's the Tower of London.

There's all the London stuff.

Oh, there's a rave in Peckham.

Okay, Coach, I appreciate it.

Hey, big guy, what do you wanna do, huh?

We could, uh, go to some museums.

We could rent a boat,
float down the Thames.

They spell it weird, but it is lovely.

I wanna go see a football game.

Okay.

Let me see if I got this straight.

My one day off from football,
you wanna go watch football?

It's a little bit like asking a
mailman to go for a walk on his day off,

- don't you think?
- Hmm.

Yeah, you don't care.
You're just a little boy,

ambivalent as all heck. Okay.

Coach, we got, uh, any
games in town today?

[SIGHS] There's one.

Well, there you go.

But I'm gonna have
to stop at home first.

[BREATHING DEEPLY] Mm-hmm.

[FOOTBALL STADIUM CROWD
CHEERING, CHANTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Look. There he is, there.

Hey, Nate!

Nate!

Nate!

Coach, look who came to watch.

[HENRY] Nate!

Must be looking for tips.

- He saw me, Dad. He saw me.
- Yeah, he did. He heard you too.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

[GASPS] Holy sh*t.

Well, what can I say? I'm
the daughter of a billionaire.

I learned to read a green
before I learned to read a book.

Well, you might be a great golfer,

but I happen to be a
really great cheater.

So I think that makes us even.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [GASPS] Watch out!

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my goodness, it's a tie.

- Uh-huh?
- Yes, look.

Isn't this, uh, way
better than watching polo

with a bunch of old white men?

Definitely.

And I reckon the dinosaurs
here are much less handsy.

Hmm. Oh, yeah, the dinosaurs are.

But, um, I can't say the
same for some other people.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- [FRIEND] Jack?
- [GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry. Excuse me.

[GASPS] Oh, my...

- Hi.
- Look at you. Nice suit.

- Aw, what are you doing here?
- [KISSES]

- My sister's hen do.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

- [BACHELORETTE GROUP GIGGLING]
- [CHUCKLES]

- She's marrying a golfer.
- A professional?

Oh, no. [CHUCKLES] He just golfs.

- Ah.
- We have to do a sh*t every hole,

but the good news is her friends suck.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hello.
- Oh, this is Alyssa. We went to uni together.

- Oh.
- And this is my friend, Keeley Jones.

- [KEELEY] Hi.
- Hi.

Keeley runs a PR firm.

You or your family ever need anyone,

- this is who you want.
- Mm-hmm.

That's me. [CHUCKLES]

- Cool.
- [CHUCKLES]

[BACHELORETTE GROUP] Alyssa! Come on!

- Coming, Sis! [CHUCKLES]
- Hurry up!

Come on.

f*cking families.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Anyway... [SIGHS] ... it
was nice to see you, Jack.

- Yeah, you too.
- Love the hat.

Oh. Thanks. Yeah.

All right... [SIGHS]

... let's make things a little
more interesting, shall we?

Ten pounds a hole, but I
will spot you strokes.

- You're on.
- But no cheating.

Then only a pound a hole.

Great match, Coach.

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

- [MESSAGING SOUND EFFECT]
- [SIGHS]

[BUSKER SINGING "TAKE YOUR MAMA"]

[SINGING CONTINUES]

- Hello, my darlings.
- Hey, Mae.

- What have you three been up to today?
- We went to the West Ham game.

Then you don't drink in this pub.

- Hey, come on, Mae.
- He's a child.

- [SONG ENDS]
- [PATRONS APPLAUDING]

- [TED] Hey!
- Mae! Mae!

[BUSKER] Thank you.

You think I wanted to f*cking be there?

You two are on probation.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Fair enough.

- [BUSKER] Bye, Mae.
- [PATRONS LAUGHING]

[GLASSES CLINK]

[BUSKER SINGING "HEY JUDE"]

- Dad.
- Yeah?

- Listen.
- What?

- [SINGING CONTINUES]
- The Beatles.

Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Hey, you know what? I'll be right back.

Hey, Boss, what do you got for me?

Right. Ted, listen, I want you to know,

you do not have to go down this road.

[TED] I know, but I need to, okay?

'Cause right now, Michelle
and this Dr. Jacob fella

could be sitting there, having dinner

at one of her favorite Parisian hotels,

like the George Sank...

- Cinq.
- ... or the Plaza Anthony.

Athénée. Hold on.

Her favorite hotels in
Paris? I thought you said

- she'd never been there.
- Yeah, she hasn't. But the George Stank...

- Cinq.
- ... is from her favorite movie, French Kiss,

- and the Plaza Anthony...
- Athénée.

That's from her favorite TV show,

- Sex in the City.
- Sex and the City.

Wait, what's all that
noise? Where are you?

Sounds like someone's singing.

Wh... Uh, no, I'm sorry. I'm
at a pub with Beard and Henry.

Why? Is it too loud? I can
step away further if that helps.

No, no, no. No, it's fine.

Um, where were we?

You think I'm nuts.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Thanks, Michael.

So, you like The Beatles, huh?

Why is that?

'Cause my dad does.

You know what this song's about?

Someone named Jude.

Not just someone. A
little boy named Jude.

And one day his mom and
dad decided to break up.

Hmm, you know, get divorced.

And that made Jude real, real sad.

Now, Jude's dad had a best friend,

and that best friend was real worried
about Jude and all his sad feelings.

So he wrote him this song,

hoping that, well, the words might
help him somewhere down the road.

The long and winding road?

[COACH BEARD BREATHES DEEPLY]

Hey, Henry.

You have a great mom and
dad, and they love you tons,

even though it's weird they
live in different countries.

And I know right now it feels
like you're in a sad song.

But you, young man,

you have the power to take a
sad song and make it better.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah, me too.

But you know what the best
thing about this song is?

- What?
- [BUSKER HITS HIGH NOTE]

- This!
- [BUSKER SINGING CHORUS]

[ALL SINGING ALONG]

Enjoy yourself, laddie!
Come on! f*cking sing it!

[ALL SINGING ALONG]

[REBECCA] You know, Ted, I'm
so curious about something.

Why didn't you ever take
Michelle to Paris yourself?

Well, I wanted to. I mean, you know,

we were too broke to
go on our honeymoon.

And then, well, we both got busy.

And then we had Henry, and I just...

I always thought we'd have more time.

[SIGHS] Ted, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But seriously, who gives a flying
f*ck if Michelle gets engaged?

Whoa.

That time in your relationship
with her has passed,

but your time with Henry hasn't.

You need to stop letting yesterday
get in the way of today, Ted.

Well, I don't think
he's singing "Yesterday."

Ted.

No, I know. I'm just joking.

- And you're right.
- Of course, I'm right. I'm always right.

Now, for the love of God,
will you get back to that pub

and sing "Hey Jude" with your boy?

Mercy buckets, Boss.

De rien, Coach Lasso.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[ALL SINGING CHORUS]

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Ow!

[SINGING CONTINUES]

- [SONG ENDS]
- [ALL CHEERING]

Thank you.

[NO AUDIO]

- [CHATTERING ON TV]
- [JACK] Yeah. Uh-huh.

No, I agree. It's much better.

Thank you, George.

Okay, so, good news.

We've got a much more toned-down
version of the statement.

The last one was so sh*t.

Oh, great.

[PERSON ON TV] I was once broken
up with by a guy's doorman.

I'm sorry, Ms. Hobbes, Jonathan
won't be coming down. Ever.

- Hey.
- [TV CLICKS OFF]

I know it's lame. But
it will help, believe me.

Before, when you said that you
were gonna take care of this,

I thought that meant you were
gonna get the video taken down

- or something like that.
- We tried. It's the f*cking Internet.

Making this statement
is taking care of it now.

By having me make an apology?

Yes.

Please just do it.

[SCOFFS] Sorry, but it's... [STAMMERS]

... not a great look when
the person I'm seeing,

whose company I fund,
has a p*rn online.

A p*rn? [CHUCKLES]

You know what I mean. We're just...
We're limiting the damage. Okay?

Jack, I'm not doing it.

This video being leaked is not my fault.

But for some reason, you think it is.

Well, maybe, I don't know... maybe
you shouldn't have made the video

- in the first place.
- Uh...

It's certainly not something
to be proud of, Keeley.

I don't regret making that video.

And I don't regret sending it.

Um, are there more out there?

I don't know.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

- What are you doing?
- I think I should go.

Are you coming back?

I don't know.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Right. [CHUCKLES]

Do you want to go out and celebrate?

Celebrate what?

- Didn't you win today?
- Oh, yeah. But...

No. Uh... That's okay though.

Already working on the
next one, so... [CHUCKLES]

You should enjoy your victories.

[SIGHS]

It looks like they did.

[CHUCKLES]

There it is.

What?

I love your smile.

I like to see my boyfriend happy.

Boyfriend.

Hmm. [SWALLOWS] Yeah.

If you're into labels.

Yeah. [STAMMERS] No,
I'm into labels. Sure.

- Yeah? Ah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- "This is Jade. She's my girlfriend."
- Yeah?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Sounds good, doesn't it?

"Nate. That's my boyfriend."

- Nate's your boyfriend?
- Yeah. Have you met him? He's amazing.

- Thank you very much.
- [CHUCKLES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Jamie.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, I'm sorry just to
drop in on you. I just...

- Um, I was nervous to text you. I...
- Yeah.

I mean, like, you and everyone
in my family. [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I just... I wanted to check
in on you. See how you're doing.

It's just... [STAMMERS] ...
so f*cking sh*t, all of this.

Thanks, Jamie.

Yeah, uh, doing all right.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

That's good.

And I also... I just...
I wanted to apologize.

- No, you don't have to do that.
- No, I do. Oh, no, I do.

- I do.
- Jamie, this is not your fault.

No, it... it is my fault. And let...

let me just... I just need to tell you.

I deleted it off my phone
way back when we broke up.

I deleted everything.

I mean, not straightaway,
'cause... [STAMMERS]

... I did think that
you and me was maybe

gonna get back together again.

But then you started going out with Roy,

and that's when I deleted most of it.

Well, like, half.

But that was mostly out
of anger, to be honest.

Because, well...
[STAMMERS]... I think...

I thought the only
reason that the two of you

was going out was to make me jealous.

But...

Uh... [INHALES DEEPLY]

Then I saw it was real, and then...
then I... then I got rid of it all.

I just forgot about the f*cking emails.

It's so stupid. I should
have been more careful.

I should have picked a
stronger password or something.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me your password
was "password," Jamie.

Yeah.

Well, to be fair, I
did think I'd fool 'em

'cause I spelled it with two S's.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Keeley.

[CHUCKLES]

Really am.

[KEELEY] Hmm.

Thank you, Jamie.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Excuse me, do you mind taking
a photo of me at the box?

- [PASSERBY] Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.

- All right.
- No. No, no, no.

- It's like that. Yeah.
- Oh. All right.

- It's all right.
- Take a good one.

- [PASSERBY] All right. Smile. There we go.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]

[SECURITY ENTRY BUZZES]

All right, big guy. Time
to roll. Let's do it.

- [MICHELLE] Bonjour!
- In here!

Hi, kiddo. [GASPS]

- [TED CHUCKLES]
- Mom!

[LAUGHS] I missed you. [KISSES]
Did you have fun with your dad?

Yeah. He's gonna buy me a drum kit.

Oh, is he really?

[STAMMERS] W... [MUMBLING, CHUCKLES]

Oh, you know what? I love you, buddy.

I love you too, Dad.

All right, go on. Get outta here.

[SIGHS]

I don't know where he gets these ideas.

[CHUCKLES]

- Uh, hey, uh, don't forget this thing.
- Oh.

Uh...

What are you doing? [CHUCKLES]

You, uh... Sorry, I was...
I was screwing around.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS] How was Paris?

Oh, it was all right.

Hmm. Yeah. Well, that's what it's
known for. City of all rights.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[HENRY] Come on, Mom!

It was good seeing you.

Good seeing you too.

You know, Dave Grohl learned
to play drums on pillows.

I'm coming!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ah, there he is. Huh?

[NO AUDIO]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hmm.