04x17 - Can't Hardly Date

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- What's up, Phoebe? - Shhh, quiet.

I'm hiding from Gideon.

- Oh, sorry. [laughs]

Why are you hiding from Gideon?!

[smacks face] Ow.

- Gideon is out of control these days.

He's constantly asking me out,

calling me "Boo,"

or "Boo Bear,"

or "Boo Brontosaurus Rex."

- He can't possibly be worse than Sarah.

Ever since I stopped dating Allison,

she won't leave me alone.

So, I had to break out this.

- [guitar strings twang]

- Chloe's make-up mirror?

- Yes.

Back when I had a band

and dreamed of being a rock star,

I was gonna use it to avoid crazy fans.

Now, I use it to avoid my craziest fan of all.

- Hey, Max! - MAX: [gasps]

- You have a crazy fan?

That must be so annoying.

Anyway, I got you this little beehive.

- Oh, I get it, Sarah--

because you're Max's honey.

- Did he say that?!

Did you say that? [laughs]

- [bees buzzing]

- Are there bees in that thing?

- Oops! Looks like there were

a couple of little guys left in there.

- MAX: Eeee!

- SARAH: Come back, my honey!

Sting me, instead!

- Oh, man, maybe Max does have it worse than me.

- Boo! - PHOEBE: [screams]

- Get it? 'Cause I'm your "Boo."

- I get it.

Just don't want it.

- Well, you didn't like that,

but you are going to love the boolloons.

- The what?

And it's my turn to hide in my locker.

- Thanks, guys, for coming along

and helping me drop off Nora at super camp.

I feel bad that I sat on her bunkmate, the invisible kid.

- Why didn't I ever get to go to camp?

- You did. You burnt the place down.

- BARB: Where is it?!

Where is it?!

- I can't be sure,

but I think Mom's looking for something.

- Oh, no, Barb, did Chloe lose her blanket again?

- I'll go ask her where she left it.

- Are you mad, child?!

You know how attached she is to that thing.

- Yeah, last time it went missing,

she teleported everything out of the house

to try to find it.

- Including my slide.

I had to use the stairs like an animal.

- I'm gonna go hide my homework.

- Where do I hide them, Phoebe?

- Barb, we panic every time Chloe loses that blanket.

Maybe there's another way we can handle this.

- No, when she's ready to give up

the blanket, she will.

Now make with the muscles and lift up the couch.

Oh! Found it!

- CHLOE: [whooshing] Found what?

- The...kitchen...

which is where we should go into

so I can make you a snack.

- Chloe is never gonna get over that blanket

as long as your Mom keeps finding it for her.

But Daddy knows exactly what to do.

- Leave it alone and let Mom handle it?

- Oh, thunderchild, I have so much to teach you.

- [electric guitar playing heavy rock]

- COLOSSO: Play it, Max!

Oh, I'm a hippie! Oh!

This is the greatest day of my life!

- [heavy rock continues]

[rock music flourish]

- COLOSSO: Woo!

- Well, this is weird.

- What? There's nothing weird about this.

- Take my underwear!

- Okay, now it's weird.

- Gideon and Sarah are completely in love with us,

and your solution is to play video games?

- This is the closest I'll get

to living out my rock star dream--

going on world tours,

staying in fancy hotel rooms,

having adoring fans.

- Hey, about that--can I have my underwear back?

I feel a draft.

- Next time, keep 'em on your butt.

- Could you focus, Max?

We have to fix our Gideon and Sarah problem.

- That's a school problem.

We're home now. We're safe.

- Really?

Thunder monitor, show us the door cams.

- Does she have a tent?

- Yep, and he's stringing up a hammock.

We're not safe at school,

we're not safe at home.

This has to stop. - You're right.

If we let them sleep through the night,

then we att*ck in the morning!

- No. I have a better plan. - Let's do it.

- You haven't heard the plan. - Let's not do it.

- Okay...

we're gonna set Gideon and Sarah up with each other.

If they hit it off, they'll forget all about us.

- Oh...

now that is a really good idea.

Colosso, give her the deluxe, super fan treatment.

- COLOSSO: Right!

- A simple thank you would have been fine.

- ♪

♪ What you see

♪ Is not what you get

♪ Livin' our lives with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in

♪ Bet you never guessed

♪ 'Cause we're livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest

♪ A picture perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be

♪ Look closer, you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do

♪ This isn't make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality

♪ Just your average family

♪ Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

- ♪

- All right, I texted Sarah to meet me over at table seven.

- Okay, good, I just texted Gideon

to meet me at table seven--

although, it is a school night, so they might not show up.

- Max! It's honey time!

- They live on our porch.

Do you think school would stop 'em?

- I'm sorry, Sarah, but I need this table.

I'm meeting Phoebe.

- Well, I'm meeting Max.

- I know what's happening.

Me and Phoebe and you and Max

are having a double date!

- See?

I knew sleeping on his porch would work!

- Right, they're sitting together.

Now what?

- Now we call the Love Doctor.

Brrring! Brrring! What?

I have to take this.

Yes, this is Phoebe, the Love Doctor.

- No one's enjoying this.

- Just watch. They're perfect for each other.

We just need to create the right mood

for them to realize it.

Here, first step, flowers.

- Somebody ordered your table

the Splatty Romance Package.

- I bet Max set this up.

He's so romantic, don't you think?

- All I think about is Phoebe.

Achoo! - Ew!

- Did you forget he's allergic to everything?

- Yes, I did.

- Achoo! Achoo! - SARAH: Ah!

- Ring! Ring!

Hello, this is Dr. Better-Than-Phoebe,

and I am ready to operate.

- [glove snaps sharply]

- Didn't that sting? - Worth it.

- ♪

- Okay. Now before your Mom gets back,

it's up to us to fix Chloe's blanket problem.

- Just to be clear--

we're talking about Khloe Kardashian, right?

- No. Chloe, your sister.

- Not as high profile, but I'll still help.

- First, we hide her blanket.

Next, we tell her it's missing.

She'll get upset, but...

she'll get over it.

- Then we'll fix this Khloe Kardashian thing.

- Sure.

Chloe?

- [whooshing] Hey, Daddy.

- Honey, take a seat.

We've got some bad news.

Your blanket... is gone.

- What?

- Your blanket's gone and you have to deal with it!

- Uh, settle down, Billy.

Honey...

I know you're sad,

but you'll always have it in your heart.

- I thought it was in the cupboard.

- HANK: Mmmmm!

What Billy means is you'll always keep it

in the cupboard in your heart.

But it is time to move on.

- I miss my blankie.

- She still looks pretty sad.

Should I yell at her again?

- No.

This is all part of the process.

She'll be completely over it in... minutes.

- I...miss...my...

blankie-e-e-e-e!

- Let's get that blanket back.

- HANK: Good idea.

- Blankie!

- HANK: [gasps] It's gone!

- What's gone?

- Oh, ho, ho...

my bad mood, now that you've returned, sweetie.

[kisses]

- CHLOE: I... miss...my...

blankie-e-e-e-e!

- Oh, no! It happened again?

- Yes, because we--

- ♪ We don't know where it is ♪

Why don't you go look for it upstairs?

A blanket doesn't just walk away.

Somebody had to have taken it.

- It bet it was Colosso--

because he's always up to something,

and he's snuggling it over there.

- It's so soft.

I've been looking for you my whole life.

Oh...

- Colosso, get your bunny butt off Chloe's blanket.

- Oh? This is Chloe's?

Ah! That changes nothing!

[evil laughter]

- Quick, Billy, run after him and get Chloe's blanket.

- BILLY: [zooming]

Just to be clear--

are we talking about Khloe Kardashian?

- [silently] No.

- ♪

- Fresh clams? - Fresh from where?

- You ask too many questions.

- Oh, good, the lovebird's flying back to the nest.

- The police said it's only been minutes,

so, it's too soon to declare Max missing.

- Okay, I just hacked into the tubes

to send them a romantic, heart-shaped pizza.

- [tube "pops," pizza splats]

- Did you order this pizza shaped like a butt?

- No, I...I didn't order any of this stuff.

I'm done waiting here for Phoebe.

I'm gonna go wait at her house.

- I'm gonna go get my bloodhound, Watson.

He'll track Max down.

He always does.

- Max, they're leaving. Do something.

- They can't leave, if they can't find the door.

[powers whooshing]

- MRS. WONG: Whoa! - [objects scattering]

- PHOEBE: Max, turn the lights back on.

- My dumpster clams!

I mean...

ocean clams.

- Phoebe, look!

- You caught me.

- I did.

And you didn't comment on my sweaty palms.

- I like a moist hand.

- I like how you smell like pimple cream.

- Hey, I've got movie tickets for me and Max.

Do you wanna go, instead? - Sure.

I've spent so much time in Phoebe's locker,

I'm happy to go anywhere.

- I think they're going on a date.

- Yep, thanks to my plan.

- Moist hands was not your plan.

- Still worked. - Hmmm...

- ♪

- Hand over the blanket, Colosso.

- What are you guys scared of--

a little girl?

- Yes...

and little girl's mother.

- Sorry, but you know the old saying--

finders keepers, losers...

get outta my face!

- Oh, yeah?

Well, whoever smelt it, dealt it.

That's all I've got.

- I'm taking back that blanket.

- [electrical zapping] - HANK: [gasping]

You electrified your cage?

- Colosso, you have a problem.

- You're right.

Stealing a little girl's blanket.

What's wrong with me?

Sorry, I'll turn the cage off.

- [switch clicks]

- [electrical zapping] - BILLY: [gasping]

- This is the kind of fun we're gonna have now, blankie.

[chuckling]

- ♪

- STUDENTS: [mixed comments]

- Okay, we're here ten seconds

and no bees, boolloons or bloodhounds.

- Surprise!

I baked you cookies.

I ate some of them

because I've been in here since last night.

- Oh, Gideon! So sweet!

I love locker food.

- Max, I think we did it.

- We sure did.

- Hey, Phoebe, I'm sorry to break your heart,

but I went out with Sarah last night.

- And, Max, in case you were wondering,

I'm the Sarah he's talking about.

- Oh, no! I...have feelings of sadness now.

- Phoebe, you're still young.

You'll meet another stud muffin

who's outta your league.

- Yeah. Yeah. I'm heartbroken.

So, when are you going on your second date?

- I'm taking Gideon to meet my uncle

at his band's concert tonight

at the Hiddenville Colosseum.

- Huh, Sugar Ray's playing the Colosseum tonight.

Wait! Is your uncle in Sugar Ray?

- Yeah, Mark McGrath.

He's a rock star. No big deal.

- Oh, I thought your uncle was Mark McGrath the janitor.

- I'm a custodial engineer.

- Who knows? Maybe if you become my boyfriend,

Uncle Mark will let you come on tour with us this summer.

- Wait. Wait.

So, Gideon's gonna get to live the rock star dream?

- Hope so. Come on, babe.

- She's talking to you.

- Oh.

I'm "babe"?

I'm someone's babe!

- Max, we're free! Do you hear me?!

Free! Woo!

[laughing]

Why aren't you twirling?

- I'm...twirling on the inside.

- Okay, good, for a second there,

I thought you were gonna try to become Sarah's boyfriend

so you could go on that world tour.

- What? I would never do that.

- Okay. Good.

I'm gonna go enjoy having Gideon out of my life.

[squeals]

- And I'm gonna go get Sarah back into mine.

Woo! [laughs]

Twirling's a lot more fun than I thought.

- ♪

- S'up, Sarah?

I'm, uh, ready to be your boyfriend.

[laughs]

Oh, what's that?

Kiss you in front of your rock star uncle?

Huh. It's a little weird, but, okay.

[smooching mirror]

- What's up? - MAX: [gasps]

[self-conscious laugh]

I was just cleaning the mirror with my face.

- [mirror squeaking]

- Anyway, goodbye.

- Hold on, mirror kisser.

[powers whooshing]

That your disguise bag? - No.

- It says "Disguise Bag."

- Actually, it says...

Dis...guy's...bag,

'cause it belongs to dis guy.

- You're gonna sneak into that concert

and try to make Sarah fall for you,

just so her uncle will take you on that world tour.

- Okay, fine!

Just 'cause I have to live out my rock star dream--

private jets, backstage passes,

all you can eat shrimp. [laughs]

You know how much this guy loves shrimp.

- Max, you cannot mess with

Gideon and Sarah's relationship like that.

- It's not even a relationship.

They went on one date that we tricked them into.

So, I'm not letting you stand in my way

of dating the girl that I can't stand.

- Well, I'm not gonna let you leave.

- MAX: [powers whooshing] - PHOEBE: Whoa!

Ow! Max! Ow!

Unless you do that.

- ♪

- CHLOE: [whooshing]

- I know it's been a whole day

since we lost your blanket,

but please stop teleporting things away.

- CHLOE: [whooshing]

[whooshing]

It's not under the table.

- BARB: [groans]

- That new blanket looks just like Chloe's.

There is no way

she's gonna be able to tell the difference.

Chloe, we found your blanket!

- Blankie!

- Oh, thank goodness. Where was it?

- Oh, it doesn't matter,

just as long as Chloe's happy.

- [sniffing] Do you think I'm a fool?

- We were hoping you were.

- This blanket's a fake!

- No, it's not.

- Yeah, it looks just like the one that we took from you.

- What? - What?

- Goose!

- [electrical zapping] - [heavy thud]

- Hank, start talking...

- You look beautiful today.

- ...about the blanket.

- Okay, I know where it is,

but you are not gonna believe it.

- Colosso has it? - Yes, dear.

- COLOSSO: Ah, you guys are just in time

to watch my snuggle party.

Snuggle. Snuggle. Snuggle. Snuggle.

- Colosso, give us back that blanket,

or I'll take it from you, myself.

- Barb, I already tried, and if Thunder Man

can't open that cage, no one can.

- [electrical zapping] - COLOSSO: [gasping]

Okay!

- Well, no fair. You have electrical powers.

- Here you go, Chloe.

- Blankie!

[sniffing]

Ah, that's the stuff.

- I miss my blankie!

- Calm down, Dr. Bunny.

- Never!

I...miss...my...

blankie-e-e-e-e!

- Whoa, is that what I sounded like?

- Uh, yes, when you weren't teleporting

all our furniture to...

Where is it? - Abu Dhabi.

Blankie made me a monster.

Here, you keep it.

- Oh! Blankie!

I missed your soft touch.

- Chloe, we are so proud of you.

But we're even more proud of...

ourselves! [laughing]

None of this would have happened,

if Billy and I hadn't stolen that blanket.

- Knock it off, Hank. - Yes, dear.

- ♪

- Can you believe my uncle hooked us up

with luxury box seats to his concert?

- Your uncle's so cool.

My uncle lives in our garage.

- It's cool, bro. I'm a roadie.

Yeah, the band asked me to come up here

and see if I could check out the acoustics.

- [tuning fork ringing loudly]

- Oh. No, this is not good.

It could be a while.

Hey, chef bro, you seen a cute redhead?

She's about this tall and this crazy?

- Yeah, if you care about someone,

you should go kiss a mirror.

- Chef bro, you're my sis!

- That's right, Max.

- How'd you b*at me here?

- 'Cause I didn't waste an hour

at the Wig Depot.

- I also had to go to the Sleeveless Shirt Shack.

- Okay, well, now you can go away

and leave the happy couple alone.

- I'm not going anywhere

until I win back what's her face.

- Well, then, you leave me no choice.

- [Kn*fe blade swooshing]

- Oh!

- Huh! You wanna beef?

You got it.

- PHOEBE: Oh!

That was a veggie burger, you fool!

Whoa!

- GIDEON: A roadie-chef fight?

Is every one of my dreams gonna come true tonight?

- [rock music] - [boot sizzling]

- Ah!

- [rock music continues]

♪

- Oh!

- Nice! Chef won.

- Let me go, Phoebe!

- Not until you listen.

- No, uh, you both need to listen.

- BOTH: Sugar Ray?!

- Well, the band's name's Sugar Ray,

but I'm Mark McGrath.

- BOTH: Oh.

Mark McGrath?!

- Listen, I've toured around the world,

and I've seen a lot of things.

And I see what's going on here.

You ladies are clearly in love with my niece's date.

- PHOEBE: I'm sorry, that's definitely not it.

- MAX: That's not what's happening.

- Buh! Buh! Buh! Don't talk.

Just look.

- This is the best view of the stage.

- Why watch the stage,

when I have a front row seat...to your face?

- Oh...

you just bought yourself a nose kiss.

- MARK: Oh... [laughs]

You can't stop that dorky passion.

- Mark McGrath's right. - Mark McGrath sure is.

- MAX: They really fell for each other.

I can't stand in the way of their nerd love.

- Oh, man, look at this place.

- Yeah. - So sorry about the mess.

- Ah, don't worry about it.

It'll get cleaned up by the other Mark McGrath.

- Maybe you're the other Mark McGrath.

Did you ever think of that?

- All right, let's get outta here

before Gideon and Sarah recognize us.

- Guess it's time to kiss my rock star dreams goodbye.

- Oh, wait, before you go...

I have got something for you.

- Your guitar?

- Better.

- MAX: [gasps]

- Max, it's filled with shrimp.

- How did you know?

- I'm Mark McGrath.

It's what I do.

- ♪

- ♪