01x23 - SW.A.G Is Haunted

[bunniefuu]

- Lesson learned -- we are terrible at bowling.

- Truth. - I got a seven!

- We probably shouldn't have bought

these matching shirts, either.

- We definitely shouldn't have named our team "The Winners."

- Hey, Schwoz. - Hello, Schwoz.

- I think we'll be a lot better at ice dancing tomorrow.

- True. Tuesday has always been my day.

[ old-timey music plays ]

- Tuesday is not my day.

- You said it was! - I'm wrong a lot on Mondays.

- How are we worse at ice dancing than we were at bowling?

- How did I get talked into wearing this shirt?

- At least they don't say winners.

MIKA: They say, "Champions." That's worse!

- Hey, Schwoz. - 'Sup, Schwoz.

- Okay today was hot garbage, but tomorrow we're gonna be

great at competitive water slides.

- Oh, most definitely. Wednesday is my day.

- I'll buy the shirts!

- Let's call ourselves the "GOATS".

- Because we're so cute and we'll eat anything!

- Oh, honey...

- Stuck.

[ silent movie music plays ]

- Wednesdays. Not great, either.

- Yeah I lie a lot on Tuesdays.

Wednesday's never been my day.

- How did water catch fire?!

- Did you notice the doctors at the burn unit

knew our names today?

- I got a "Frequent Burner" card.

- Hey, Schwoz. - Big fella...

- My man... - Schwoz.

- Maybe we should take a day off.

- No! Thursday is my day.

- I'll buy the shirts. - Hold up, hold up...

He's been acting weird. - He's Schwoz.

- He's always weird. - It's kind of his thing.

- No, this week he's been, like, double-weird.

- Oh yeah, with the dancing? And the sketching?

- Hey!

Why you been weird?

- Iiiiii'm always weird.

It's kind of my thing.

[ piano notes ]

- Checks out.

- I can tell you're lying.

- Whaaaaat? No! It's Wednesday!

- Why were you dancing to old-timey music?

And why were you sketching old-timey ladies?

And why are you watching an old-timey movie?

- And what's this big, fancy, music computer?

That's what I'd like to know!

- Iiiiiiiiii'm... dating an old-timey lady!

- Where is she?

- She's not here!

No, sheeee's... at the old-timey home.

I ammmmmm... just getting used to doing the things she likes.

- That's so sweet... - Okay, Schwoz...

- He also said "old" and it's gross.

- Oh no no no. She's beautiful

but it's a secret so you can't say anything to Ray!

- Why not?

- Heeeeee'll... try to steal her from me.

- Oh, is she a mom? - Yes!

- Got it. - Got it.

- I've already forgotten. - Happy for you.

- I can't feel my arms when...

[ music ]

- These vests are hot. - So hot.

- We're gonna be so good at Thursday fishing.

- How many fire worms should we bring?

- Fire worms? Whole can. - All of 'em.

- I wonder if we should leave the fire worms

at home this time. - What?!

- Awwwww, honey...

- I think that's why we keep accidentally

setting stuff on fire.

- You can't prove that.

- That's fair-- bring 'em.

- Yes! - Yes!

- Bye, Ray! - Don't talk to me.

I'm kinda' doing my own thing this week.

Could it really be that simple?

- Hey, what was that thing we're not supposed to tell him?

- What? What? What? What?

Hmm? What?

- I thought you were doing your own thing this week.

- I just did it. It went fine.

Now what are you not supposed to tell me?

- Nothing.

- Something about Schwoz and a girlfriend.

- The one time you actually remember something...

- That was it -- we weren't supposed to tell you

that Schwoz has a girlfriend.

An old one, if I'm not mistaken. - Schwoz bought a haunted school

and he's hoping I don't find out!

- What? - Well, isn't it obvious?!

- No.

- "Old" rhymes with "bold" which is what one would have to be

to lie to me, also Schwoz is born in October --

see he's a Libra -- and everybody knows that Libras

will only do two out of every three things you tell them to do

and you know who else is a Libra -- Jasper --

and Jasper rhymes with Casper who is a very famous ghost.

Ergo -- Schwoz bought a haunted school

which is what I specifically told him not to do!

- Um. What?

- Dangit, Schwoz!

I was at a very vulnerable point in my life

when I told him to buy that school

down the tube!

- Let's just go fishing.

- I think we should check on Schwoz.

- Fine... - Should I bring the fire worms?

- Of course! - Won't do any good up here.

- No...

[ music ]

- You don't even know when you're lying!

You're lying right now Schwoz!

What did I say?! Hmmm?

What was the one thing I told you not to do?

- Ray, what is wrong with you?!

- Yeah, have you gone crazy for real this time?

- Yeah.

- Tell 'em.

Go ahead.

- Tilda. You can come out now.

- Ding-dong, dah-lings.

Why I've been absolutely dying to meet you!

- Nope.

- It all just kinda happened.

[ kids all talking at once ]

- Stop talking!

♪ Danger

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Ooooh-ooooh

♪ Danger!

♪ One two three Force!

[ kids in unison ] - Emergency!

- That's just the doorbell. - I know.

[ old-timey music plays ]

- What are you doing?

- Why, fan-dancing, of course!

It was all the rage in the nineteen-twenties --

that's when I took the one-way trolley to Ghost-ville.

- Hey, you're dead. Do you know Prince?

- Well I once had a jazz of an entanglement

with a genuine Hapsburg prince off the coast of Sardinia.

- Great. This place is haunted

and the stupid ghost doesn't even speak English!

- Watch, that tongue, beefcake.

This cat's liable to spill the milk

about how you color your hair.

- You shut your dead mouth, lady!

- Whoops, that's my cue to skedaddle!

See ya when the steamboat sings, heart-beaters!

- This is exactly why I told you not to buy a haunted school!

- Did youuu..? I don't remember.

- Oh I'm going to slap you right into a flashback...

- AAAH--

- Hey Schwoz maybe if I created like a fake school for Henry,

he'll un-quit and stay in Swellview.

So, uh, find me a school I can buy.

Huh. Right now.

- But I have to wipe the memories

of all the people from Neighborville who--

- Just find me a school, Schwoz!

Right now. For cheap.

- I can probably find you a school right now--

- For cheap. - Yes, for cheap.

It's one thing though -- is it okay if the school is haun--

- And it can't be haunted either!

[ Schwoz groans ]

- Just do it, Schwoz! - Fine!

Okay, cheap, can buy right now,

not... haunted...

Ugh... What if I unclick...

not haunted...

Ahhh. Bingo.

Yes, now that you've slapped me, I remember.

- I want that ghost out of here, Schwoz. Now.

- We had a bird stuck in my house the other day.

My mom opened a window and it flew right out.

I think that was the same bird!

- Does anyone else have any other ideas?

- We got a whole can of fire worms upstairs.

- No!

- Fire worms aren't going to help us,

this isn't fishing, or bowling, or ice dancing,

or competitive water slides.

- Ghosts are beings that are "stuck"

between our world and the afterlife.

We need to help Tilda move on.

- Then do it! For cheap!

- I've been trying to since we moved in!

But Tilda can't move on to the afterlife until she does

all the things she wanted to do before she d*ed.

- That's why you were doing all that weird-weird stuff.

- Yes! Tilda has a long list of things she needs to do...

Yaaahhh!

- Well good luck with that, Schwoz.

We're on Thursday Fishing.

- Yep. - Alright, let's...

- No, no, no! - What, what, what?

- There will be no Thursday Fishing, or Friday Spelunking,

or Saturday Stargazing, or Sunday Group Henna Tattoos!

- [ gasps ] But we've been waiting all week

for Sunday Group Henna Tattoos!

- I don't care if you've been waiting all week

for Sunday Group Henna Tattoos!

- He literally just said--

- Nobody is doing anything until that ghost is out of here.

You understand me? That's priority number one.

- Yeah Miles will never come back here

until that ghost is gone.

- I do miss that Miles.

- So, let's all just work through Tilda's list as fast as possible.

- Okay, who wants to help Tilda, "Ride a tandem bicycle?"

- Hmmm. Not me! - Where you goin'?

- Yeah, you're not gonna help us?

- I can't stand ghosts. I'll be upstairs.

- Where you buzzing bumblebee? You off to color your hair?

- Leave me alone ghost this is why I hate you!

- You guys get rid of that ghost yet?

- Welcome back, Fraidy-cat.

I'll answer your question with a riddle.

What has three legs and-- - Nope.

[ music ]

- Oh my lord! - Oh my lord!

- I thought you were a ghost.

[ laughs uncomfortably ]

- I have nothing to do with ghosts!

[ continues uncomfortable laugh ]

- That's my boy.

You know your mother and I paid extra for a house

that's Certified Not-Haunted.

- See? That's why I love you.

Always lookin' out for us.

- Yeah yeah crank this carrot.

- Uh... dad? I have a lot of questions

about what's going on here. - I will answer one.

- Okay -- what's going on here?

- Smart. That's why I love you.

Well, every seventeen years,

the Swellview soil produces giant carrots.

- Go on. - And not many people know this,

but if you roast a giant carrot for three straight days,

it turns into meat. - What kind of meat?

- I said one question. I'll be back in ten hours.

- I gotta crank this thing for ten hours?!

- I said one question.

[ music ]

- This is wonderful!

Why, I feel as free as a mockingbird's mother!

- Same. We done here?

- You know in my day, women weren't allowed to ride bicycles.

They said it'd make us hysterical.

AND I THINK THEY WERE RIGHT!

[ Tilda laughs hysterically ]

You know in my day, women weren't allowed to do math.

- [ gasps ] No!

- They said it was a path straight to the underworld.

- It's not, though... right?

- Too late now -- this hazy lady just solved for X!

[ Tilda laughs hysterically ]

You know back in my day, women weren't allowed to do stand-up comedy.

All that standing up would make our legs too strong --

and then we'd all run away!

[ laughs ]

- We gotta get you on America's Got Talent!

BOSE: Heidi's gonna love you.

[ music ]

- ...I need you to come home and take a shift

turning this giant carrot over a pile of burning coals

until it turns into meat.

- I have questions. - I'll answer one.

- What kind of meat? - I don't know.

Now come home!

- Ray won't let us leave until we get rid of this ghost.

- How long's that gonna take? - Not too long.

Bose, Chapa, and Schwoz are helping her

chop down a redwood tree. - That's highly illegal.

- Sure is, but it was the last thing on her list,

so hopefully she'll move on after they're done.

- Timmmmmmmmberrrrrr! - Oh, I gotta go.

- You know in my day, we were allowed to chop down

a thousand-year-old tree for no discernible reason.

In fact, it was encouraged!

- If you were allowed to do it while you were alive,

why was this the last thing on your list?

- Because I never got to do it for pleasure.

Just for business.

- Yah, well, anyway...

That was the last thing on your list, so...

not sure why you're not floating away to the afterlife.

- Ah! That was the last thing on my first list, silly pants.

This gal Friday's got lists 'til Wednesday!

[ everyone groans ]

- Now I'm going to go visit the little ghost's room.

But later on I'll need every one of you

to play kite chess with me.

Yes, that's chess in the sky, played with kites.

Takes at least six hours so rest up, skin walkers!

See ya in a few...

- Alright! That's it.

Schwoz, it's time to ghost me.

- Are you sure? It's so dangerous!

- It's the only way! - I have questions.

- I will answer none. Now ghost me, Schwoz!

- This literally turns Ray into a ghost?

- Slows his heart rate down to one b*at per hour.

It allows Ray to temporarily cross over into the ghost realm.

- Whoa...

- And I'll be able to solve our little Tilda problem

by putting my ghost boot right through her ghost butt

and send her out the ghost door!

Now ghost me, Schwoz!

[ mechanical buzz ]

[ music ]

- Ew, gross.

- Okay, you kids ready to watch

a good old fashioned ghost fight?

- Awwwwww yeah! - Ghost fiiiiiiiiiight!

- Boo. - Ahhh!

- Ghost fight, eh? Why, I'm game.

Back in my day, women weren't allowed to fight.

So I cut my hair short and earned a pretty penny

fighting strong-men in the alley behind our local watering hole.

Buckle up, buttercup.

I'm about to turn those blue eyes black!

- Mika, I really need you to come...

- Ahhhh!!! - Ahhhhh!

- Ahhhhhh!!!

[ old-timey music ]

- Hope you're hungry, pretty boy.

I've got two knuckle sandwiches for ya!

- Thanks for calling me pretty!

- I've never seen a ghost fight before.

This job is awesome.

- Uhhhh! - Dah!

Owww! - Ha ha! Awesome.

- Okay. Get ready to meet the Swolesen twins.

Mary Kate and Smashley!

- Hey, less talking, more punching!

- Agreed! - Fiiiiiight!

- Yaaahhhh!

Uhhhh!

Owwwww... why am I not oooohhh-kay yet?

- You may not be indestructible when you're a ghost.

- Wait -- what? Why didn't you tell me that before I--

- Sweet dreams, sailor.

Now... who's ready for some kite chess?

[ everyone groans ]

- Tilda, I don't mean to be rude.

But you gotta go.

- Wow. Hate to see you when you mean to be rude.

- You shouldn't be here! You need to move on!

- I can't! Not until I clear out this list of things

I always wanted to do when I was alive.

- We've already gone through a whole list!

- And now you're adding new things for us to do with you.

- No I'm not.

- Hey, should we check on Ghost Ray?

- Eh, he's probably fine.

[ puppy-like whining ]

- Aww, he's having a dream...

- He's probably chasing a mailman...

- Oooh! That's another one!

I always wanted to chase a mailman!

- Don't you want to cross over?

- Oh I'd love to cross over! But the truth is...

I just keep adding stuff

because the one thing I really need to do is impossible.

- Lick your own elbow. Same for me.

Oh snap! I just did it!

- And it looked like fun, Danny Dimples,

but what I need to do to cross over is eat

one of those famous Swellview meat carrots.

- I'm sorry, what?

- A Swellview meat carrot.

Not many people know this, but every seventeen years

giant carrots grow in Swellview.

- Yeah... and if you roast them for three days over hot coals--

- They turn into meat! - What.

- This sounds like something I would say.

- No, it's true! My last moment as a Solid Sally

came right when I was sitting down

to a heapin' helpin' of meat carrot.

That's when Cannonball Carl decided to launch

one of his famous cannonballs.

- Ehhhh. You d*ed by getting hit by a cannonball?

- No. Choked on a dinner roll

before I ever had a bite of carrot.

- Then what does Cannonball Carl have to do with it?!

- If you knew Carl, you'd know he had everything to do with it!

- Oh my god Schwoz ghost me, I'm gonna punch this--

- Wait! Tilda, my dad and my brother

are roasting a meat carrot on our patio right now.

- Well that's all fine and yummy,

but this ghost has no tummy.

See? Food goes right through me.

- I'm the same way with Nacho Ball.

- I'll bet Schwoz has some kind of way to fix that.

- Yeah, science science science now Tilda can eat.

- You guys! You can't just say "science science science"

and expect me to have an answer for everything.

I mean in this case, I do, and it happens to be funny.

- What is it? - Yeah! Spill it, lab rat!

I'm all ears. - Okay basically...

I capture your spirit, I turn you into liquid,

someone drinks you, science science science

and then you're in that person's body.

- Wow, science has come a long way

since we used to drill holes in our heads to cure hiccups.

- No way! That works?!

[ in unison ] - No.

- Well what are we waiting for? Liquefy me, lollipop.

I'm not getting any deader over here.

- Ho-kay... but we'll need someone to drink you

and let you in their body.

[ Mika, Chapa and Bose in unison ] - Not it!

- Not it! What are we "not it-ing?"

- Someone's gotta drink Tilda so she can eat a meat carrot.

- Oh. It's a good thing I said "not it."

[ music ]

- There he is!

- Miles! - Budddyyyy!

- What are you guys doin here?

- We finally got rid of that ghost.

- Celebrating with milkshakes.

We brought you one! - Aw, thank you...

- So glad you're eating ice cream again...

- I shouldn't drink this.

- Noooo! - Yes you should!

- Thank you for reminding me

that I do not eat ice cream anymore, Bose.

- Yes. - Thank you, Bose.

- You are welcome.

[ Mika and Chapa in unison ] - No!

[ music ]

- There he is!

- Budddyyyy! - Miles!

- What's up, guys?! - Nothing shut up

here's some juice. - Straw's already in.

Simply to suck.

- Mmmmm mmmm juice. - Hey, what's going on here?!

Why aren't you crankin' the carrot?!

Give me that! Mmmmm mmmm juice.

I've been sleeping for three hours.

I am THIRSTY. - Yank!

- Hey, I wanted that juice.

[ music ]

- Ahhh. I am properly hydrated.

- There he is!

- Miles! - Budddyyyy!

- What are you guys doing back? - Just shut up and drink!

- So weird I was actually just saying how hydrated I am.

I'm good.

You know, I think I could use another sip.

- All of it.

- Okay.

- Yeah. - That's right.

[ music ]

- [ as Tilda ] Say, this meat is simply top drawer.

I can't believe you roasted it on your own patio, daddio!

- Why are you talking like that?

- [ as Tilda ] Why I'm talking as normal as

a two dollar turkey sandwich.

- No you're not! You sound ridiculous.

- Umm. That's because...

he got the lead in a school play.

- [ as Tilda ] Quick thinking, butterbean!

- Yeah, he's playing a secretary in the nineteen-twenties. - Yeah.

- [ as Tilda ] The play is gonna be a real gas!

I'll save you a front row seat, slick.

Feel free to bring a gal-pal.

- You mean Mom?

- [ as Tilda ] You know back in my day,

girls weren't allowed to be in plays.

They said all that pretending would give us crazy ideas,

like voting, or driving our own cars!

- Just shut up and eat your last bite.

- Yeah, s'go s'go s'go.

- No, savor it.

- Is she gone? - I don't know.

[ loud belch ]

- Toodaloo buckaroos!

- Nope.

- Did you guys make me drink Tilda?

- Who's up for Sunday Group Henna Tattoos?

- Is it Sunday?

- It's Sunday somewhere. - That's not accurate.

- That's not right but I'm glad that you think that it is...

[ music ]

♪ Always on the scene in the nick of time ♪

♪ The second I see trouble I know I'll be fine ♪

♪ I'm okay

♪ I'm okaaaay!

♪ Danger

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Whoaaa-oooh

♪ Ooooh-ooooh

♪ Danger!

♪ One two three Force!