(Duck and cover theme song plays)
There was a turtle by the name of Bert
and Bert the turtle was very alert
when danger threatened
him he never got hurt
he knew just what to do
(Dynamite explodes) he'd duck and cover
duck and cover
he did what we all must learn to do
you and you
and you and you
(Dynamite explodes) duck and cover.
- [Narrator] Be sure and remember,
what Bert the turtle just did friends,
because every one of us,
must remember to do the same thing.
That's what this film is all about.
Duck and cover.
This is an official civil defense film,
produced in cooperation
with the federal civil
defense administration
and in consultation with
the safety commission
of the national education...
(b*mb detonates loudly)
You see, Bert is a
very, very careful fellow.
When there's danger,
this is the way he keeps from being hurt.
Sometimes it even saves his life.
(Bright music playing)
- Ralph I'm telling you,
people are meant to be
completely and utterly independent.
That is mankind's inherent state,
none of this bullshit.
- How long have we been playing?
- Are you even listening to me?
- Okay, Tucker, have you learned nothing?
Mankind's inherent state is paranoia.
That's why people blindly
succumb to forms of fascism.
That's why bullshit is necessary.
- Chicken or the egg?
If Mussolini was sitting with us right now,
you think you'd be speaking the same?
Fascism causes paranoia,
paranoia doesn't cause fascism.
Pay your taxes, shut up or else.
- Hello, fellow man.
I don't remember my real name,
but nowadays I go by
Ralph. (Bright tune playing)
This is my old companion,
he goes by Tucker now.
We've been around for a long time,
since the dawn of civilization to be exact.
Oh, Ralph,
you perceptive little pilgrim.
How could that be possible?
Well, in a time of greed, we made a deal.
We'd get whatever we wanted in this life,
but in return must play a game,
a never ending game.
Neither is won, neither is lost.
We don't quite remember what
happens when the game ends.
Then again, I don't think it ever will.
Something about the soul of humanity
being saved or destroyed,
but I wouldn't worry about that.
We now work for the
United States government,
and it sure isn't that demanding.
Either way, we've gotten comfortable.
I guess as long as we have a
working TV and a glass of ale,
Tucker and I will be just fine.
- Pay your taxes, shut up or else.
- That's the way it's always been,
have you forgotten?
Death and taxes,
civilization's a broken record.
Not just here in America,
but everywhere we've been throughout time.
- Yeah, but America was different, you see.
At least different than it was now.
Now, we're just a blood bank for vampires.
Let's take a look at
the numbers, all right?
The federal government
makes you pay 37% in fed taxes, right?
And let's say you live in New York state,
another eight and a
half percent to the state.
Let's say you live in New York City,
another four and a half to the city.
Assuming you aren't
completely idiotic and unbothered
by the 50% that they didn't
steal from you in spending it,
that's another 8% in sales tax.
Let's say, you wanna buy land,
you know, like in the olden time,
land was good, land is land.
Then you get a mortgage,
you have mortgage tax.
And when you wanna sell the real estate,
there's a higher power
that charges you another tax,
a hidden fee to an invisible broker.
And when you die, guess what?
They take half. (Bright tune plays)
We gotta protect the American way, okay?
- Well, I guess the fluoride in the water
really worked then, huh?
Since when do you care
about the American way?
- The human way.
- And what's the human way, old friend?
- A sense of selfhood, of
individualism, you know,
or freedom, for lack of a better word.
You're craving pie, you go
out, and you get some pie.
- Pie? You know that 42% of
American adults are obese now?
- You know fascism, it's a strong word?
- Yeah.
- Last I checked, fascism
could create a fast schism.
- Word play? - Foul play.
- Obesity or fascism?
- I say both.
- Listen.
- I am.
- Intently, I mean.
- Why?
- I'm not talking Neo-n*zi fascism.
I'm talking just about the
blind following of leaders.
It's been done for eons.
People sacrifice their
rights to feel secure.
That's why we're here.
- You think that we make a difference?
- I like to think we do.
They think we do,
and if they think we do then,
yeah, I guess we do.
- Who's they?
- The people, far and wide.
If they feel safe,
then that must mean we're doing a good job.
- Name one time,
since we've been on this
red, white, and blue rock
that we've made a difference?
- [Ralph] You and I? - You and I.
- Well, we came up with
the Monroe doctrine, no?
- Ralph, we came up with the
name for the Monroe doctrine.
- That's something.
- The guy's name was James Monroe.
- What about that time we traveled a bunch,
after the Louisiana purchase?
- Oh, old companion, that was not us.
- Who was it then?
- Lewis and Clark.
Did they put rum in your
coffee earlier or what?
- What's wrong with an
Espresso Martini to start the day?
- And to end it?
- Gin and tonic.
- Look, all I'm saying is that,
if the American people are
giving up their god-given will
to have you and I protect and serve them,
then Jesus Christ, you know what?
Maybe ignorance is bliss.
You know what? How about we just shut up,
and try to keep our jobs for once.
How about that?
- For once. Isn't it funny?
- What's that?
- Ignorance.
- [Bartender] Here you go, gentlemen.
- [Ralph] Thank you.
- So, what is it you're playing here?
- Well, it's had a lot of names,
but it's an ancient Mesopotamian game
called the royal game of UR.
We've been playing forever.
- [Tucker] Two players
race to compete their pieces
from one end of the board to the other.
- [Bartender] Wow. Looks complicated.
I've never heard of it.
- [Tucker] Yeah. Not a lot of people have.
No one usually plays
it that much these days.
- Well, I'll let you guys enjoy. Looks fun.
- [Tucker] Is it fun?
- [Ralph] Well, it's not like
we can stop playing anyway.
- It's not fun, and
honestly, I cannot stand it.
Another zero.
- [Ralph] Are you gonna resign?
- I'm winning.
- [Ralph] Oh, yeah. (Phone vibrates)
(Bright music continuing)
- [Tucker] Uh-huh, okay.
That was our guy in shing kwong dao.
He says that they want another
five million for research funding,
four million in the regular account,
and one million in bitcoin.
- Bastards.
- They said, "take it or leave it,"
that they have other
people willing to fund.
- [Ralph] No, no, no. They'll
take the highest bidder.
Don't be silly. - You are a capitalist.
You don't understand Chinese culture, okay?
Did you know that they believe
that they're the descendants of dragons.
- Yeah. And?
- I'm not being funny.
And they believe
that their dragons breathe
water and steam, not fire.
- Oh, I see.
You're trying to explain who
steamed the first dumpling.
Well done.
- I mean, on the flip side,
you could saute it in a wok.
- [Ralph] Oh. I think it's stupid.
I'll get approval for it.
It won't be a problem,
but that's weird,
those Chinese government
guys really love their money, huh?
For a bunch of communists
that are supposed to share with the people?
- Yeah. Well, that's only on paper.
They are the smartest
businessmen in the world.
(Bright music continuing in background)
(Glasses clink in cheers)
- [Speaker 2] As a creature,
not of god, but of the state,
in this system,
the value of individual
man diminishes sharply,
and the state is all important.
The state will run his life for-
(static sounds)
- [Jonsie] Eugene,
try not to do what you
did last night. Okay?
- [Eugene] Yes, sir.
- Am I in frame? Focused?
Don't touch the camera, just tell me.
- [Eugene] It looks good.
- Mustache is straight tonight?
- [Eugene] Yes. Last night it was crooked,
tonight, it's perfect.
- I don't know why I pay you,
it's not even hot anymore, Eugene.
- [Eugene] You don't pay me.
- Give me a countdown tonight, all right?
Starting seven. So wait, two, one, five...
- [Eugene] Five. - [Jonsie] Yeah.
- [Eugene] Four, three, two.
(Radio tower signal beeping)
- Welcome back to w*r games.
I am your host, rich jonsie.
Many of you have been
asking me pressing questions
spanning from the absurd
rumors of my connection
with extremist t*rror1st organizations,
my baseless ban from
all forms of social media,
and my most recent arrest
involving my intense methods
of infiltrating a satanic cult.
- [Officer] All right, father O'Malley,
take the hat off and
lose the fake mustache.
- But that is neither here nor there.
Today is a momentous
day in American history,
as we Usher in a new president,
unlike any we've seen before.
In an upset, but fierce victory
against madam evergreen
and her party of beavers.
The end of beaver reign, some would say,
as raccoons take the throne,
with a rebellious outsider,
known unto the world
as a titan of industry.
What the future holds for the free world,
I do not know,
but as my dear viewers know,
I am a truth seeker,
and my eyes are always open.
(Dramatic tune plays)
(Cup clinks to saucer)
- (Speaks in foreign language)
Madam evergreen,
how did you lose to that farmer?
- He's not a farmer, he's in real estate.
- [Chinese leader] Same thing.
He's unpredictable, ambiguous, aloof,
but some still find him refreshing.
That is not good.
- We know.
- I thought we had a deal.
You told us not to worry.
For the last eight years,
we had a working partnership.
We did what you asked us,
and this is how you repay this.
What's worse,
we had to listen to the idiot son
who calls himself a lawyer.
- He's really more of a hunter.
- Americans, strange sheep... Time wasters.
Your people are too busy
deciding on what genders they are.
We decide that at birth.
Imagine how much more
time we have on our hands.
(Piano keys playing)
- Everyone knows the fat man needs to go.
- [Chinese leader] How
do you plan to execute?
- [Madam evergreen] Avoid using that word.
It won't take long for our friends
to conjure a ghost to scare outsiders.
- You don't have any friends.
Facebook friends and
Instagram followers don't count.
- Even those can be useful.
- Your people watch too much TV.
Unsatisfied with their own lives,
so they watch vicariously
the lives of others.
Oddly depressing.
- Isn't that why you tried to buy Disney?
(Chinese leader laughing condescendingly)
- If we wanted Disney,
we would have Disney.
Come up with something
better than Russian spy.
It is amazing you haven't been caught.
- I assure you, we will.
- You focus on the popular opinion,
show them what they want to see.
We will make conclusions for them.
I can guarantee you next election,
unlike your broken promises to me.
(Bright tense music plays)
- [Interviewer] Madam evergreen,
did you see this coming?
- No, none of us did.
I'm deeply disappointed,
and I know a lot of other people are too.
Quite frankly I'm worried.
Worried about the future of our country.
We as a campaign, as a collective,
sort an America that was peaceful,
accepting, and transparent.
Given his neanderthal
like inauguration speech,
I'm not sure if he shares that same vision.
- Are you done running
as a candidate in a presidential race?
After all it is your second loss.
- Ah, you wanna go there. Huh? Okay.
As a candidate, yes,
but done with politics? Never.
I believe that I was meant to be a servant,
a servant to all Americans.
- [Interviewer] Do you have a
message for your supporters
you'd like to share?
- I will always have a message for them.
Remain engaged, be vigilant,
use your beautiful minds.
Your spirit and talent,
will be the thing that keeps this country
from tipping out of balance.
I don't give a raccoon's
ass what it is ladies,
I need ideas. Go.
- Why don't we accuse him of being gay?
- Great idea,
and if it was 1952, it might actually work.
Nowadays, it would get him elected.
- I think we can get more mileage
out of the Russian spy connection.
- Derivative. If releasing a tape
where he talks about
grabbing a woman's p*ssy
just days before the election
did not bring him down,
we need something big.
Do you know how much I
had to spend for that tape?
- How much? - [Madam evergreen] Enough.
He's like a wine cork at sea,
always bobbing to the top.
People underestimate him.
- What about a connection to
the sex trafficking hedge
fund guy with the island?
- Definitely not.
My husband used to
love visiting that island.
I'm not sure why.
By the way, he's never leaving that cell.
- Like foster.
- [Advisor #3] My favorite
su1c1de is the Sicilian one.
- Which one is that again?
- [Advisor #3] That's when
they sh**t themselves
twice in the head, once in the chest,
wrap themselves up in a carpet
and they throw their own body off a bridge.
- [Madam evergreen] Shut
up. Let's keep this going.
- [Advisor #3] What about
his company? His business?
- [Advisor #1] Do you know
anything about business?
- I grew up with Chuck
Schwab when I was younger.
So yeah, I think I do.
- [Advisor #2] You might be onto something,
that he has yet to release
his tax returns, why?
- All right. Not a bad idea.
Start digging, whatever you find,
we'll blow it out of the water.
We've got every broadcasting
network ready to go,
except one.
- Not enough weight behind it.
- What about a plague?
- Real or fake?
- Too risky, and too volatile.
- [Madam evergreen] Now, wait a second.
- Madam evergreen. You can't be serious.
- No, really. What about a plague?
Don't we have a team,
right now in shing kwong dao,
that is working on new
cocktails, just in case,
for something like this?
(Dramatic tune intensifies)
- Well, they're more concerned
about world population matters.
That or selling us a
cure after they infect us.
- Yeah. Well, I don't
give a sh*t about that.
Inquire, I want an answer in 15 minutes.
(Dramatic tune intensifies)
- [Ralph] So how did
we get mixed up in this?
- [Tucker] So, madam evergreen phones me.
- Keep up with the times. (Footsteps)
She called you.
She called you?
- She had one of her advisors call me.
- That's what I thought.
- Anyway, he didn't say
much, but he did say,
that the fate of the country
could rest upon our very shoulders.
- All right. And what
the hell does that mean?
- It's an opportunity
for us to do some good.
- Please, we don't even know what it is.
- It's an opportunity.
We may as well try to do
some good while we're here, no?
I mean, what are the odds?
They chose us, all right?
We may as well try to shine.
When was the last time
we were motivated? Huh?
When we had some ideas?
- Before the game.
- Oh, don't be a slug, okay?
- My apologies, before Christ.
- [Tucker] Stop it please, all right?
- After all this time, you
don't appreciate my levity?
- Well, frankly, I think
you're a big ball of gloom.
Remember how we felt
after the enlightenment?
What was that? Like 1750, or like 1650?
- 1750. Okay, and a lot
of that was Johnny boy,
that had nothing to do with us.
- [Tucker] Oh no, no. John
Locke or no John Locke,
all right?
We came up with that idea.
We gave him the idea.
We separated church and state.
We believed in something,
we were fulfilled, you know?
Who says that this can't be the same thing?
- It's doubtful in these
times to get anything done.
- Oh my god, you know what?
You know who you are?
You're a miserable son of a bitch.
A miserable son of a bitch.
- If only you weren't stuck with me.
(Bright music playing in background)
- What are you reading?
- The newspaper.
- It's Chinese.
You haven't spoken
Chinese in like 1000 years.
- When in Rome.
(Bright music continuing)
- Understand this, you
go to Las Vegas, right?
Go to one of those magic shows.
You're sitting in the crowd,
and you think to yourself,
you're wondering,
how did that guy successfully
pull off that magic trick?
So I was watching the news,
and I found myself just being entertained,
not really trying to figure out anything.
And I realized that's what's
wrong with American media.
There's no more active audience.
It's just this reality
episodic television show.
That's it.
- I remember when journalism
was a respected industry.
That's when the average person
didn't mind thinking so much.
You could even say some of them enjoyed it.
I don't know when things changed.
Maybe after we got off the gold standard?
People used to gather information
on their own merits
and then make an educated decision.
Now they just wanna
shove down their gullet.
(Footsteps)
(Tense music starts)
- [Scientist] Gentlemen,
doctor see you now.
(Dramatic music intensifies)
- [Tucker] Hello, doctor.
We're waiting for a
call from our superiors,
to tell us how they would like to proceed.
- [Ralph] You know what
I was thinking back on?
- What's that? - [Ralph] Watergate.
I wish we could go back and try that again.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. We
did mess up a bit there.
It wasn't our best work.
I wish we could time travel.
- [Ralph] I don't. - [Dr. Han Xin] Silence!
No time travel here.
- [Ralph] Oh, we don't
know if it's possible yet, but-
- [Dr. Han Xin] It is very
disrespectful to history
and it will not be tolerated.
- I guess that's their way of
saying like no regrets, right?
- Do Chinese people believe in that thing
the Hindus believe in? - What thing?
- Where you die and come
back as a tomato or something.
- [Tucker] Your amount of
brain cells really baffles me.
- [Ralph] In a good way? - Reincarnation.
- [Dr. Han Xin] Silence!
Are you trying to mock us?
- [Ralph] Not at all,
doctor. Speaking of...
- Elephants.
- Elephant. Yeah. I was gonna say elephant.
- I would love to come back as an elephant.
- [Dr. Han Xin] No
reincarnation talk in China.
You stay you.
Now enough.
- But does anyone ever
truly remain themselves?
Only god knows.
- [Dr. Han Xin] I would also
avoid speaking of your god.
- And what about yours?
- I have none.
- Well, back in the us, I
will tell him that you say hi.
(Phone rings) (Bright music continues)
Hello? Yes, this is Tucker Borgata.
Yes, we're in the lab. Mm-hmm.
Doctor who? Oh, oh, oh, Dr. Han Xin.
Yes, hold on.
It's for you, doctor.
(Dragging phone noises)
- [Dr. Han Xin] Please, swivel.
(Chairs creaking)
(Tucker sneezes)
- [Ralph] Bless you.
- [Tucker] Ah, thank you.
- What do you say if god sneezes?
- Bless you.
- [Ralph] But whose blessing would it be?
- Turn around.
(Chairs creaking)
(Bright music continuing)
(Ceramic bowls shuffling)
- [Tucker] I got this.
- No, I got this.
- Okay. Which one do you think it is?
- I'm not telling you.
- All right. Fine. On three.
- [Ralph] On three right, not go?
- [Tucker] Not go, on go.
All right? One. Yes. Go.
- One, two, three. - Two, three.
- [Dr. Han Xin] Good. Now leave.
- All right. Well, see you later, doc.
Don't go time traveling anytime soon.
(Piano music plays in background)
Speaker 2: Important
opportunity to put skills to use
is a further test on the respect scale.
A power scale is another
important yarn stick of despotism.
It gauges the citizens share
in making the community's decisions.
Communities which concentrate
decision making in a few hands
rate low on a power scale
and are moving towards despotism,
like France under the bourbon kings.
One of whom said, "the
state? I am the state."
- [Advisor #1] Madam,
it's done. A plague it is.
A sure fire way for this
all to play out in our favor.
The experts chose
number two, a mild variant.
- [Madam evergreen] Good.
How many variants were there?
- Three. Well, maybe three.
- [Madam evergreen] What do you mean?
- Well, Dr. Han Xin said it could be three.
It could also be 300.
Depends on how much
you wanna stretch this out.
- Well, let's just say there were three.
What was number one?
- Extinction of all human life.
- [Madam evergreen] And number three?
- [Advisor #1] Dry skin,
but anyone who understands
math would never buy it,
in tests it kills 0.02%.
90% of those are over the age of 75.
- [Madam evergreen] And children?
- Oh, they'll be fine.
They'll grow up only knowing this world.
Oh, and the best part,
the average life
expectancy in the us is 78.
So, if someone gets,
oh let's say, heart disease, or cancer,
or hit by a bus and they die,
if they're positive for our plague,
we can Mark them as such.
- We will pull strings,
as many as possible,
and we'll play the media
to make it the end of times.
- [Advisor #1] Funny.
- Sad.
- Do you think the United
States population will believe it?
- Remember, 50% of Americans
still think Kennedy was k*lled by Oswald.
- [Advisor #1] Hmm. Yes, we
have to keep the message going.
We can create a narrative
that the non believers are nuts,
b*mb shelter freaks, or the like.
- [Madam evergreen] We
can thank the teachers union
for that.
They teach them to read and write
and hopefully not think.
- Yeah, I heard Putin gets
his brilliant ideas from them.
- And by the way,
make sure we get the IP for the vaccine
in an offshore company,
but license it to one of the
big three pharma stooges.
We don't wanna look
like we have a monopoly.
And do not approve it until
the fat man is out, understood?
- Oh yes, of course. What are we, savages?
- [Madam evergreen] Ah, I almost forgot.
It's time to get Tony fiasco on board.
That guy loves to hear
the sound of his own voice,
and see his face on TV.
- The clown from the
institute of infectious disease?
You know he's the only doctor I know
who didn't study science undergrad?
- I'm still dumbfounded
that he and his wife
make almost a million dollars
a year of taxpayers money.
- And he doesn't deserve it.
No, I do more work than him.
- No, you don't.
He will be our commander
on the front lines.
- Ooh, there's soldiers?
- Public health agencies.
- [Advisor #1] Their weapons?
- [Madam evergreen] Fear.
(Tense music playing)
- The United States,
produces 42% of the wealth of the world.
Although we have only
7% of the world's population
and 6% of the land area.
(Tense music halts)
- That's interesting.
Very sexual.
(Footsteps)
Ralph, check this out.
- Ah, yes. You can even see the, uh,
Fibonacci sequence in the testicles.
- Yeah.
(Bright music commences)
(Footsteps continue)
Now, let's say you have a piece of
renaissance art commissioned.
- Of course. What about it?
- By the Medicis.
- Powerful family.
- Yes. Let's say journey
of the magi, 1459. Gozzoli.
- Gozzoli.
- Thank you.
- [Ralph] Colorful piece.
- Now, in retrospect,
you have a brilliant painter
who can build and break boundaries,
but then you have the political agenda,
the status cock waving
of the people who
commissioned it, you know?
And I think that's the problem
with the background of these paintings.
- Background?
- A political inception of art.
- Inception?
- For lack of a better term.
- Allow me.
- sh**t.
- Can an artist break artistic boundaries
even if their art was incepted
for some sort of political game,
or cock waving,
as you so eloquently put it.
- I guess it's just a
dulling experience for me,
when I see the cock waving, per se.
- Understandable.
It's low hanging fruit and in a way,
creates a lack of timelessness.
The story will fade, as all do,
but only the art remain. Huh?
- I guess we'll find out in the end.
(Phone vibrating)
Borgata here.
Mm-hmm. New York.
Okay. We'll make it happen.
- Why don't they ever call me?
- Because you're irresponsible.
We gotta go see Dr. Tony fiasco.
- Ugh. That clown from the
institute of infectious disease?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I wonder what for.
- I guess we'll find out in the end.
(Choir singing melodiously)
- How's it going? Ralph
darling, Tucker borgata.
We're in to see Dr. Fiasco.
- [Sonya] Down the hall to
the left, in the men's room.
- The men's room? Would you throw that out?
(Jolly upbeat music plays)
- It's healthy.
(Footsteps)
- Uh, Dr. Fiasco?
- [Dr. Fiasco] Thanks for
waiting fellas, just a minute.
(Toilet flushes)
(Door opens)
What can I do for you fellows?
- My name is Tucker borgata,
and this is Ralph darling,
and we are... what are we?
- Logistics specialists.
- Logistics specialists. Yes.
- We don't really exist.
- Oh, and madam evergreen told me
to hand deliver this to you directly.
- [Dr. Fiasco] All right.
I'll take a look at what she has to say.
Boys, you lost big time to
that clown in office right now.
God, that guy loves the
sound of his own voice.
Say nothing of looking at himself on TV.
- We really appreciate this.
- Oh, this is good.
(Dr. Fiasco laughing)
This is very good.
Oh, this is f*ring me up.
Thank you boys. Thank you.
What do you guys think of this?
- What is it exactly?
- You don't know?
- [Ralph] We weren't
really fully informed yet, no.
- Well, by the looks of it,
we've got a worldwide plague on our hands.
- Plague?
- Yeah. Well, however you wanna define it.
Flu, plague, what's the difference?
- The lab? - Guessing game.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- For what reason, doctor?
- I have no idea.
Anything to get the fat man out.
That's why they need me, you know.
I'm really good at this sort of thing.
- Fat man. Wasn't that the
nickname of the hydrogen b*mb?
- [Tucker] Yeah, exactly.
And it's quite fitting, isn't it?
- I guess there goes an opportunity
for good old fashioned fulfillment.
- [Dr. Fiasco] Ah, now you see,
you've gone with a mild variant.
That's a shame.
Still, my granddaddy would've
had a field day with this.
- Granddaddy?
- [Dr. Fiasco] Oh yeah.
Oh, he had some good times.
I kind of look up to him as a role model.
Still, being a devout scientist
for the Germans in 1940,
wasn't something that was
gonna make him very popular here,
and he was a real mensch.
- There goes our sh*t
of getting into heaven.
- We were never going to heaven.
- Heaven is overrated gentlemen,
and you wouldn't know anyone there.
Be safe out there, boys.
You're gonna need to.
(Footsteps)
And I'll send you a list of
stocks for your Christmas cards.
I get them from a lady in California
who's been in office since '87. Oh.
(Mellow tune continues)
(Door opens)
Sonya. Yeah. (Door slams shut)
Set up the meeting with
big pharma for this afternoon.
(Intense dramatic tune
playing continuously)
The fact of the matter is
we never saw this coming,
but this is a catastrophe in the making.
We're working around
the clock with scientists,
physicians, infectious disease experts,
but we still have no idea
what we're in the midst of,
how long it's gonna last,
how deeply we'll be impacted,
or what the repercussions
are going to be long term.
In the meantime, we urge
everyone to stay inside.
Keep your eyes glued to the TV
and take every precaution you can,
but together, god help us,
we'll get through this.
(Cool music starts)
- [Journalist] After many
months of searching,
we have deduced the
true origin of the plague.
Shing kwong dao, China,
a laboratory that
specializes in animal testing.
That is where the pathogen was leaked.
Here is an audio clip of our president
addressing the nation. - This is definitely
gonna come back to us.
- [Mr. President] We have
it completely under control.
It is gonna be fine.
- [Dr. Fiasco] We're working around clock,
with scientists, physicians...
- Zero again.
That's doubtful though.
We didn't know what we
were choosing at the lab.
The media is sticking to the story though.
- Do you recall the last
time that you were worried?
- How balance is maintained
with chance, luck, and strategy?
Perhaps if one of us, you know,
wins the game and the scale gets crooked,
then I might worry.
- Right. But how long have
we been playing this game?
- It's tough to say.
- It is tough to say. You don't remember?
- It was a long time ago.
- It was a long time ago.
- And you still haven't won.
- And neither have you.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- I have a thought.
- What's that?
- Perhaps a bigger problem
is at work with this plague.
- How do you mean?
- Well, think about it.
What are we doing at this very moment?
- We're breathing.
- Okay. You're not wrong,
but we're consuming.
- Whiskey. - No, that.
(Cool music continuing)
- Ah, I see where your head is at.
- Oh, do you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Enlighten the enlightened one.
- You see the allegory
of the cave, don't you?
We're all in our own idiosyncratic caves
watching shadows on
the wall, political fires,
and there's puppets dancing around.
- Yeah. And I see a
lot of problem with that.
- You and I know exactly
what's going on here.
The plague is real.
The plague is dangerous.
A microscopic airborne t*rror1st,
its inception calculated.
Now let me ask you something.
Do you think the American
people were paranoid before,
or after the media aired all this?
I mean, it's normal to be fearful, right?
But the fearfulness was
instilled in us a long time ago.
- You know, for a moment back at the lab,
I was pretty excited.
(Cool music continuing)
- Yeah. Me too.
Back to the game.
(Triangular dice roll on table)
(Knock at the door)
You get it.
- Who is it? You get it.
(Dramatic tune playing)
- I don't know who it is.
- I'll get it.
(Persistent knocking on door) One second.
(Footsteps)
- The royal game of UR.
- You know it?
- Familiar with it.
No one knows the oldest
board game in history. Hm?
- Yes. Quite astute.
- I'll get to it.
My name is rich jonsie.
When my parents were
alive, young, and in school,
they were told
that when and if the Russians
dropped a nuclear w*apon
on the United States of America,
all the children must do,
is get under their
desk in order to be safe.
I often think of the madman
in the department of education
that would pass that with a straight face.
I am a reporter.
I am a truth seeker,
and I know who you two are.
- It came back to us.
- Please let me handle this, all right?
What did we do, exactly, Mr. Jonsie?
- [Jonsie] You started this mess.
This is no longer a game of power, is it?
It's a game of control, truth, safety,
and I cannot stand by
while eyes are being blinded
for the benefit of a few measly lives.
No, that's not in my blood.
Any men with allegiance I can respect,
but this has gone too far.
- Definitely came back to us.
- We have no allegiance.
We do as we're told, it's our job.
- Have you gotten no heart?
Economy crushed,
families frightened,
whose order could this have been?
- You want this one or may I?
- No, no. Please.
- Mr. Jonsie, you see this game
sitting in front of you right now?
We've been playing it
since the dawn of civilization.
We have to play and
we've seen a lot playing.
Great evil and great good, right tuck?
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah. And we learned a great deal.
You know, you'd be surprised
how much a pair of eyes picks up
floating along the entire
river of time. Yeah?
As I digress, walking into that lab,
the two of us wanted to make a difference.
- [Tucker] We tried.
- Just like round of the game,
it too will pass.
Yet play more, you must.
- Gotta play.
- Play more, you must.
And they called me crazier.
Then why a plague?
- Why not a plague, huh?
Everyone wants the fat man out of office.
Even the people who work for him,
they don't care.
- [Ralph] It all boils
down to the same strategy
to get one thing.
It's about spending
and who gets to write
checks to their friends.
They're in the business of
keeping the business broken.
- And that's why businessmen
don't have a place in government.
They have no skin in the game.
- And they're all in on the game.
- That's the joke.
Play more, you must.
(Bright music continues)
- [Jonsie] Enjoy your game.
- Geez.
- I'm pretty sure that's the same guy
who believes that chemtrails
controls the weather.
- No, that's actually
the exact guy that said
there's chemicals in the
water that turn frogs gay.
At least he's barking up
the right tree with this one.
- Yeah. He's a little
Cerberus of truth, that one.
Hmm. Nice.
- Finally.
- [Advisor #2] We spoke to the head
of the raccoon fundraising committee
in Florida and New York,
they gave us the green light to go ahead.
- It's comical at this point,
even his party thinks
his ideas are too radical.
Beavers, raccoons, it doesn't matter.
Nobody wants a government with no budget.
He still thinks he's
running it like a business.
It's a shame.
The raccoons do a hell
of a job on the m*llitary.
- Tip of the cap to them.
- In the last 17 years,
they've been working on a replacement
for the Bradley fighting vehicle,
but it cost them 22 billion.
They don't even have a working model yet.
That my friends,
are the raccoons at their best.
- My lady, we have our next candidate
for the upcoming presidential election.
- So, where is he?
- Oh.
(Footsteps)
(Exciting tune plays)
(Wheelchair screeches)
Ta-dah. Leeroy bishop.
- He's still alive?
- [Advisor #1] Well, we figured
we should go back to our old American roots
with a safe, old, Caucasian male specimen.
- [Madam evergreen] The fat
man is an old Caucasian male.
- That's why we'll get a diverse VP.
- Can he walk?
- He used to.
- [Madam evergreen] Can he speak?
- [Advisor #1] As long
as we tell him what to say.
- Hey, hey, hey. Gee,
you ever grab your own brother's testicles
while looking at your father's eyes?
- Not yet Mr. Bishop, not yet.
- [Madam evergreen] This will never work.
He's incompetent.
- He's always been slightly incompetent,
but he's been in government for 47 years.
He's never bothered anyone before.
- But now he's...
- He's a familiar face.
People love the guy.
Two terms as vice president.
He's what we need.
- Approved.
- No taxation without resolution.
- [Advisor #3] Mr. Bishop. I believe it's,
"no taxation without representation."
- [Advisor #1] Well, either
way, it doesn't matter.
That's never actually been a thing.
Now, let's focus on this plague.
- [Advisor #2] Was there
really no other choice
besides intentionally putting
our own people at risk?
- It was your idea.
When the economy crashes,
people will look for
mommy and daddy to help.
We can keep him out of sight.
We will win this next election.
As far as our current leader,
our message will att*ck his
ability to contain all of this.
- But what's funny,
now that it's out, is that,
there's nothing anyone
could do to contain this.
- Do you really think politics
was the right career for you?
- I majored in prison studies.
I couldn't get a job in correction.
I thought it was a good idea.
- And to ease your moral mind,
the plague is doing
exactly what we discussed.
- [Advisor #2] It's the way
we would've addressed
social security.
It'll be bankrupt in a few years anyway.
- What if more people die than we expect?
What if the math is wrong?
- We won't allow that to happen.
Leaders always need followers.
That's the point.
- [Narrator 2] It is not a
conflict between people,
but between basic values
and systems of government.
Between the principles
of life each believes in.
When we talk of these conflicting values,
we are obliged to speak
of that special quality
which we call, for want of a better phrase,
individual Liberty.
And when we talk of
this Liberty in America,
we talk with many voices,
for we are a diverse nation.
And there are perhaps as many
concepts of what America is,
as there are people among us.
- [Mr. President] Thank
you for coming everyone.
Is anyone aware if long John silvers
still has the breakfast special?
- Mr. President,
we have more important
matters to attend to.
The plague is spreading rapidly,
even exponentially here in the us.
What are we doing to prevent
it from spreading any further?
- [Mr. President] We
are working very closely
with brilliant scientists and doctors
who are extremely
knowledgeable about these things.
They're so knowledgeable,
I should probably ask
them about long John silvers,
now that I think about it.
- Can you be more specific,
sir? About the plague?
- [Mr. President] We now
know the origin of the plague.
Of course, we know who's behind it.
- I don't see how that
answers the question, sir.
People are losing lives.
Businesses are struggling.
These are dark times.
The American people need to know how we,
the higher ups, are handling it.
- [Mr. President] Don't be so dramatic.
The summer's gonna come and you'll see,
all of this will just blow away.
Warm air has that effect
on these type of things.
- Speaking of warmth, Mr. President,
many have taken notice
that you've withdrawn funds
from multiple climate
research organizations
and facilities in this country.
We are receiving massive criticism.
Do you think that was a good idea
in regards to the current
trend of forest fires,
extreme weather patterns?
- [Mr. President] Well,
I'm a very smart man.
Many people in my family were professors
at Ivy league schools.
I come from a very smart family.
We know about these things.
- Yes, Mr. President,
but it's gonna be hard
to sell that narrative to the public,
that your family knows
more than the science proves.
- [Mr. President] Not
sure if the science knows,
but look out the window,
do you see climate change?
I called my sister the other day,
she doesn't see any climate change.
It is a hoax created by the Russians
to stop our manufacturing,
as simple as that.
- Yes, sir. So now let's talk
about affordable healthcare.
- [Mr. President] There
will be no need for it.
Eat your Greens, get plenty of rest,
you'll be fine, no healthcare is needed.
(Dramatic tune playing)
(Footsteps)
- Gentlemen, Mr. President,
my name is rich jonsie.
I am a top reporter, I am a truth seeker,
and I have very significant information
about those behind the plague.
- [Mr. President] We know who's behind it.
Thank you. You're doing good work.
- Who? Your boundless imagination
never ceases to amaze me.
Of course, the world health organization.
How did it slip my mind?
Anyways, just a moment
of your time, it's all I need.
This is all a master plan
to use governmental parties
and public health organizations
to politicize a mass plague.
Politicizing things in this
nature has been nothing new,
but I believe it's time
for us to open our eyes.
- [Mr. Hoosier] Mr. Jonsie,
how do you know all this?
- [Jonsie] It's my job.
I don't give a damn
about low level politics
or who gets to sit behind
a nice, pretty white desk.
I'm here to stop world
domination, mass censorship,
and making deals with
interdimensional beings.
Mr. Hoosier: Beings?
(Loud thud) (Intense dramatic tune plays)
- It was just a vase.
- Close call. Good looking out, soldier.
Back to the meeting at hand.
- Mr. President, what do you make of this?
- [Mr. President] I have one question.
Does this tie go well with this jacket?
- It does, sir. It always does.
If it didn't, I would tell you.
Those who're behind all this,
what is their end game?
- Mr. Hoosier, would you
like to know a famous saying
about the art of w*r?
Strangle them with their own systems.
This is only the beginning, I say.
I have been following the two sheep
that I know left the mudslide,
who I know are working for madam evergreen
and the unpatriotic party of beavers.
I am going to report this to the world.
The world must know.
- It's not your jurisdiction, jonsie.
Sit back, let us take care of this.
We appreciate you
bringing us this information,
but you're hereby relieved.
Your scorned reputation
is not one we want involvement with.
This is an act of w*r,
civil w*r.
- Yes, sir.
Good day. Bid you adieu.
- Watch him.
Mr. President, if you allow me,
I'd like to activate code Robert Liston.
- [Narrator 4] For those who don't know,
Robert Liston was known as
the fastest surgeon in the west end.
He could amputate a leg
in two and a half minutes.
He's also known for performing
the only surgery with
a 300% mortality rate,
by accidentally k*lling his patient,
his assistant,
and a nearby spectator who d*ed of fright.
- With all my heart,
I hope you believed me
when I told you that tie
goes well with that jacket.
(Radio tower beeping)
- [Jonsie] Welcome back to w*r games.
I am your host rich jonsie.
Many of you have been asking me
pressing questions about the plague,
and its origins, and the upcoming election.
And I'm afraid, dear viewer,
you must hear what I have to say.
You see, this is all been an elaborate play
to overtake the white house,
the treasury, and all under its reign.
And at the center of
these devious twisted plots
are two men by the name of
Tucker borgata and Ralph darling.
Who knows how deep this goes?
All I know is that I am a truth seeker
and will hunt the snakes in grass.
(Phone rings)
Jonsie.
They're coming for me.
I always knew this day would come.
- [Speaker 36] Go, go, go.
- [Jonsie] Capitalism works.
In 250 years, we were number one in math,
science (indistinct)...
(Radio static sounds)
- [Ralph] Oh, this is not good.
- It looks like journalism's
making a comeback.
- Yeah, but now it really came back to us.
- Who cares?
(Soft tense tune begins)
Ralph?
- Yeah.
- Ralph?
- What?
Tucker?
- Ralph?
- What does that mean?
- What?
- You won.
- I won?
- Tucker?
- Ralph.
- What does that mean?
(Loud knock at the door)
(Footsteps)
Tucker? Tucker? Tucker? Tucker, help!
(Somber tune playing)
- [Narrator 2] As we please,
our government represents us, the people.
Our government is our
servant, not our master.
We can work, we can fight too,
that government of the people,
by the people, and for the people,
shall not perish from the earth.
That's what Lincoln said,
not that everybody agreed, even then.
Lincoln was sh*t, remember?
- [Father] They've taken our freedoms away.
(Angry zeitgeist protesting)
They ordered us to wear
a mask to cover our mouth.
A symbol, I see it as.
They wanna shut us up.
And our god given leader, Mr. President,
is gonna get rid of this here plague.
They wanna see him gone, gone, and gone.
When I was a little boy,
(intense tense dramatic music playing)
Growing up in a small town,
my best friend Johnny's grandfather,
ran the local grain mill.
After his funeral service
I remember all these
people coming up to Johnny,
and telling him what a great
man his grandfather was.
From that day,
I dreamed of having a business of my own,
where I could give people jobs,
helping put food on their tables.
Six months ago, I had to shut it down.
And now all I get are
handouts like everybody else,
that's not the way it used to be.
That's not the way it is supposed to be,
(crowd applauding)
Because that ain't right.
We're in circles.
Speak of those,
who brought this plague
on the whole wide world.
It's time we take our country back.
We're gonna make America ours again.
We're gonna make America 'z' again.
(Audience clapping and applauding)
(Bright tune playing)
- [Constituent #1] You're right, sir.
I put on 50 pounds just this year alone.
Hell I was a fat bastard to begin with,
but this is just ridiculous.
- [Constituent #2] I can't
stop watching p*rn.
- I got drinking issues.
- [Constituent #1] I'm pretty sure
you had that already, champ.
(Group laughing)
So, are you serious about
stringing these two boys up?
- [Father] John, you know I am.
Don't you doubt it.
Don't none of y'all doubt it.
- So you got a plan, then?
- Let me tell you what.
This plague, is a plague I tell you.
Oh yes, it is.
Not a physical one.
Not like the frogs or
the locust in the Bible,
but a psychological one,
a plague of the mind,
and those in control
think they can scare us back inside,
back into the deep
dark reaches of solitude.
And by heaven's whispers,
something's gotta be done.
And there ain't nobody
can do nothing, excepting us.
- It just seems a little
bit excessive, is all.
That man, even I'm scared of death.
- Carl, think about this.
After 9/11, thousands of people dead,
we all lost friends, family.
After all that,
they used the patriot act
to keep an eye on everyone,
to spy on us in the
name of national security.
Now, do you understand what that means?
What that entails?
Well, what we're talking about right here,
that is the same genre of menace.
- We could loot.
We could loot the big stores, you know,
hit them where it hurts, the wallet.
- That has already been done.
- [Constituent #2] All ready been done.
- This is about something much bigger.
This is about control.
They're advertising
the deaths on television,
they stream a poll all day long
to make sure you know people are dying
and that you, you, and you can die too.
(Classic tune playing in background)
Everybody's frustrated.
Everybody's angry.
Everyone's wondering what to do,
but I sure as hell ain't everyone.
- You know, it seems drastic, certainly.
- Election night is
right around the corner.
- [Constituent #3] Yes it is.
(Classic tune playing continuously)
- And that night,
is going to determine
the fate and the direction of our country.
And I'm gonna make sure all hell breaks,
do you hear me?
All hell's gonna break.
Gentlemen, this storm is coming,
one way or another.
And we are the clouds.
We're the clouds, I tell you.
The clouds!
- [Group 'z'] The clouds!
- Where do you think they got these bags?
They smell musty.
What in crazy god's name is this?
- [Tucker] I do not know.
- What about the game?
- What game?
- Don't be funny right now.
- Stop it, all right?
- This isn't right. Okay?
Something is going on.
You can feel it, can't you?
- Don't know. I can't...
- What are you, an imbecile?
- Are you?
- Tucker, the game's
over and we're traitors.
- Why do you care?
- You know the penalty for
traitors on this rock, don't you?
- I do not care.
- Death. I am not ready to
die, Tucker. I'm really not.
- Oh yeah? You were the other day
and the day before that
and the day before that.
What's changed?
- I see. You're in denial.
- No, no denial. Denying denial.
- Sure. Yeah. Whatever.
(Footsteps)
Is that the vice president?
(Dramatic tune starts)
- My first combat tour, I remember it.
Stark beauty, it had. Afghanistan.
One day, we pushed away very evil men
from a small town, close to Jalalabad.
We went room to room, door to door,
making sure the town was dead empty.
We celebrated that night.
We could use a celebration at that time,
as staying alive was
getting harder and harder
as each day passed
through those desert stones.
And with each day we were more confused
as to what was right and what was wrong.
(Dramatic tune continuing)
Well, anyways, the town
we cleared, wasn't cleared.
A sect of the t*rror1st monkeys
occupying the grounds were still there,
hiding in the basement below our own feet,
fully loaded,
ready for anything.
First came the frags,
then the firefight.
We k*lled them all,
but surely it was no victory.
This eye was the forgiven of the two.
This one, not so much.
Which leads me to the question.
The electric chair, lethal injection,
or right here, right now,
with my wife Sally here.
- We were just following orders.
- What was that? Speak up.
- Mr. Hoosier, we don't
wanna die right now.
We make no decisions.
We are just sheep for beavers and raccoons.
We have no control.
Please don't k*ll us.
- There he is.
(Mr. Hoosier huffs)
- I find your lack of allegiance amusing,
dangerous, and also useful.
This plague has certainly done its job,
completely turned the
public against our president.
Sure, he's outlandish
and slightly egotistical,
but I worked hard to get where I am today
and I seek to remain.
So listen now,
I will not repeat it.
On election night,
we're going to load
up a Van full of ballots.
Noticeably, forged ballots.
You two will drive the Van
and crash it into district
post headquarters,
making it seem like an accident.
My men will come for you
as your towing company.
You wait for them.
They will bring you to
coordinates in Arlington.
There, I'll put you on a plane
and take you to wherever you wanna go,
but you leave United States of America.
You agree now, and I
have your word or death row.
What do you say to that?
Good, and don't try anything.
You know how it'll go down, don't you?
- Mr. Vice president, why crash the Van?
Whose ballots will they be?
- Leeroy bishop, of course.
You two will ensure the recount.
Our press will be ready for the accident.
(Rushed footsteps)
(Door creaks and slams shut)
- [Tucker] What are you doing?
Do you remember the rules of the game?
- [Ralph] I don't remember. Do you?
(Door creaking)
(Door slams shut)
- I've been thinking,
and when I get thinking,
it's never good.
Why a plague, I ask?
Why a plague?
Project mk-ultra, paperclip, counterintel,
how is this any different?
- Now, if you think about it,
paperclip wasn't that maniacal.
You think the us government
would let those minds go waste?
- Jonsie, I don't wanna
hear a dissertation of area 51.
Please shut up.
- Area 50...? I'm not a lunatic.
You see, I used to go
to church every Sunday
when I was a boy and I know damn sure
I'm not the only one
who doesn't go anymore.
I see a fall of religion,
but no fall in ideology.
Simply a metamorphosis.
There'll always be crusaders, I guess.
- Crusaders of what?
- Judaism, Christianity, Islam.
Sounds damn near capitalism,
communism, socialism. Hmm?
They used to fight for their gods.
Now we fight for our goods.
I guess all you gotta do is add an O.
(Bright upbeat tune plays)
- Make yourself useful and untie us.
- [Ralph] Yeah. (Bright upbeat music plays)
- I like you better.
(Upbeat music continuing)
(Revolver loading)
(Phone beeps)
- [Chinese leader] Ah, madam evergreen.
I see the eagle is
getting fatter by the day.
The perfect snack for a hungry dragon.
- Everything's in motion for the election.
Is everything set on your end?
- [Chinese leader] Do
not worry about our end.
Where you come from,
everyone speaks and nobody listens,
where I come from,
one person speaks and everyone listens.
A lot easier, don't you think?
(Phone disconnects with a beep)
(Bright music continues)
- I've spoken to the Russians,
the Iranians, the north
Koreans, and the Syrians,
and they've all agreed not
to tamper with the results
this time around.
Still waiting on the Venezuelans,
even though I don't think that's necessary.
- [Madam evergreen] If a
community college professor
can hack into a voting
machine in less than 15 minutes,
then I'm sure the Venezuelans can too,
be vigilant with them.
(Footsteps)
- [Advisor #1] This is getting way closer
than we ever anticipated.
- Relax. It's under control.
You know the plan.
It's time to call the boys
at the teacher's union,
operation full court press.
They control the swing states.
And make sure we don't win
by more than a 6% differential, that's key.
- But we'll owe them forever,
we already have the voting
machines in our pockets.
Do we need to?
- Your kids go to private
school, what do you care?
I wanna focus on Pennsylvania,
Michigan, Georgia, north
Carolina, and Wisconsin.
Call it in.
- Madam evergreen,
if this goes south and
we get caught, it's over.
It's really over this time.
- [Madam evergreen] If we
don't get the white house,
what does it matter?
I'm running the show.
Now shut up, make the call.
(Bright music plays)
- You. With me. (Footsteps)
- Chief, I don't understand.
The plague did its job,
the world's against him.
It's unfashionable to be a raccoon.
A new portrait's being painted
the overweight, middle aged,
uneducated, alcoholic,
cola drinking racists.
It's your Magnum opus.
We should win it fair and square.
- You have a lot to learn.
It's a matter of security,
but not securing what you think.
What we're doing now is
double knotting the security
for those who own the software
and the voting machines.
Those who write the code,
those who encrypt the packets.
Three companies dominate
all electronic voting in this country
and each of them is privately held.
And clearly you don't even understand
the implications of that statement
given you haven't raised your eyebrows.
Look, the best thing to ever happen to us
was voting becoming electronic.
Now, we have a phone call to make.
(Footsteps) (Bright music continues)
- [Father] Listen, they're
coming through your checkpoint.
Now you gotta do whatever you gotta do
to get those traders before
they reach the highway.
- [Clinton] Sir, but what if
someone pauses trouble?
- [Father] Those lying snakes
are in a vehicle with bullshit ballots,
for that mumbling puppet on capitol hill.
Burn the Van, burn the ballots.
This is it, boys. This is it.
We got them.
- [Clinton] Cletus.
- [Cletus] Hmm.
- [Clinton] Do you think us sitting here
looking like a bunch of crows
makes us inconspicuous?
- [Cletus] Shut up or I'll
sh**t you where you're sitting.
- [Clinton] How does he know all this?
- [Cletus] You didn't
get the email, did you?
- [Clinton] I ain't even got email.
- [Cletus] Well, we got an anonymous tip
from this fella named dragon,
seems to know a whole
bunch about the situation.
- [Clinton] How can it be anonymous
if we know who sent it?
- [Cletus] Well, we don't
know who dragon is,
but I'm sure it is a good
hearted revolutionary like us.
- [Clinton] Well, cletus.
I will tell you that dragon
does sound Chinese.
- [Cletus] Either way,
we won't be listening to a bunch
of chinamen, now would we?
(Cletus laughing hysterically)
- [Radio announcer] Leeroy
bishop has just secured
Illinois and Virginia.
He's been taking the
lead on this election day,
however, it is way too early to tell-
- I can't listen to this anymore.
We should have released the findings
from the last election
when we had the chance.
- Which one?
- Foreign bots all over the Internet,
voting machine hacks
that get swept under the rug in 21 states
so officials can save face.
- That can never get out.
People lose their faith
in the election process,
and that'll be the end of democracy.
Not that the United States is a democracy.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Our government is a republic, okay?
It's always been a republic.
You know that little children's limerick,
"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for
which it stands." Hello?
(Van engine roaring)
Where do we go after this?
- Arlington.
- Yeah, I know. I mean after.
- Oh, Lichtenstein?
- What? No.
- China?
- I feel like we're there already.
- Yeah, right? Australia.
- There's too many spiders.
- You know, you never agree with me.
Actually, you know what?
Pull the Van over, I wanna drive.
- What?
- Yeah. You heard me.
Pull the Van over I wanna drive.
- No.
- No?
- I always drive.
- Yeah. You always drive.
You always take all the phone calls.
You always hand over all the
top secret Manila envelopes.
Pull the Van over, Tucker.
I wanna drive tonight.
- No.
(Van engine roaring)
Change lanes here.
- I know where we're going.
- Use your blinker. - I know.
- That's the wiper and not the blinker.
- I know. There we go.
- This is why I drive.
- Almost at the highway.
- All right. All right.
Slow down here. Slow down.
You're gonna get pulled over.
- Relax. We're not even going that fast.
- There's always a cop around this bend,
I'm telling you.
- Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- Oh, okay. Only on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
What day is it?
(Police car alarm blaring)
- It's Tuesday, isn't it?
- It's election day.
- Oh yeah.
(Dramatic tune plays)
(Car engine shuts down)
Give you three to one odds
it's not even a real cop.
(Police car engine roaring)
(Car door slams shut)
(Dramatic tune plays)
[Cop] Evening gentlemen.
- [Ralph] Good evening, officer.
- [Cop] You guys mind putting
your masks on while we talk?
- [Tucker] Yeah. Yeah, sure.
- [Ralph] Do we have some in here?
Check the other thingy.
- [Tucker] Officer?
- [Cop] Hey, hey, put the g*n down.
Put it down.
Put the g*n down.
(g*nsh*t echos)
(Blood spews on Van windshield)
- [Ralph and Tucker] Oh, oh my god.
(Dramatic tune playing)
- [Tucker] Use the wipers.
- [Ralph] Oh, no, no, no.
- Use the wipers.
Not the blinkers, the wipers.
- Oh god. All right. That's better.
Who are these guys?
We come in peace?
- This is why I should drive.
- [Laurel Thomas] A function which involves
the flow of information.
I am Laurel Thomas.
We live amid the greatest
abundance of information
any people has ever had,
but survey after survey reveals
an astonishingly low
informational level among us.
To be sure, the right to remain uninformed
is one of the privileges of a democracy,
but in a contest such as
the one we are engaged in,
it is one of the surest
ways of losing our freedom.
Being informed does not mean
only keeping up to date on current events,
important though that is,
it means also being aware of developments
within our own nation.
- I feel like this is that time
when we were about to
be ex*cuted in Pompeii.
- I still don't forgive you
for leaving me alone with the emperor.
They thought I k*lled Vespasian.
- Yeah. I still don't believe you.
- I'm telling you,
it was the diarrhea that got him.
- Last time you said it was a fever.
Either way, I don't think mount Vesuvius
is going to be saving us anytime soon.
- Maybe a flood?
Earthquake's the best bet.
Who the hell is that?
(Leaves rustling)
- [Father] You two, know where you are?
- The United States?
(Father chuckles)
- This is yorktown, Virginia. Famous-
- for the battle of yorktown, yes.
- Well good for you for
knowing your American history.
1781, general George Washington
had a strategic decision to make.
Whether to engage Charles
cornwallis and his army,
in New York City, or down here in yorktown.
See, on these hallowed grounds,
an epic and climatic battle was fought.
Its conclusion, marked
the end of English tyranny.
The British surrendered,
and America had won its independence.
This battleground is
symbolic of a new dawn.
So we figured, why the hell
not bring you down here too?
Coz I'm quite fond of symbolism myself.
Now, we're all big boys here
and everybody knows what's about to happen.
So don't either of you,
say you don't deserve this.
You both know that's not true,
but if you think about it,
the three of us,
we have a lot in common.
We're the same really.
Just common men,
servants actually,
serving those in power
whose job is supposed to be serving us,
the way it used to be.
How did this whole
political thing get so twisted?
I don't know,
but I'm gonna give you two
a little time to ponder that,
and hopefully,
you can find your own peace,
before we send you on your final journey.
(Footsteps)
- Well, this is a surprise.
- Is this it?
- I think this may be the end of the game.
- It might be.
You know,
back at the lab all that time ago.
I wanted to say something,
but I never had the chance to.
- Last words?
(Dramatic bright music starts)
- You spoke of magic tricks, right?
For as long as you and I
have been playing this game,
there has never been more information
than there is right now.
Maybe the world is meant to
be more quiet than deafening.
Simpler, you know?
Like it was before the game.
Perhaps the reason we no
longer question what we see is
because of our fatigue,
not just you and I, but common man alike.
A weariness from arguing,
from questioning,
from hypocrisy and being belittled.
When even the belittler
has less an idea than you do.
We've seen this world go
through so many worlds of its own.
Maybe we did something good, huh?
On our last pathetic outing,
all those people,
locked away from the
fast-paced, complicated lunacy.
Maybe some of them, maybe some,
found a balance in their solitude,
even if it was just a mirage.
And if you ask me that's,
that's one hell of a magic trick.
- Did they trick you?
- No, they could never fool me.
- Well said.
- It was fun playing. I
can't believe you won.
- Me neither, honestly.
- Til next time.
(Somber tune plays)
(Phone beeps)
- [Chinese leader]
Congratulations, madam evergreen.
- [Madam evergreen] We
owe you. Thanks to you,
the idiot with the eye patch's Van
is probably under a lake
or burnt to a crisp by
his own lunatic followers
who don't know up from down.
Who knows how many eyes
would turn to our mules with our ballots.
How did you even know about the Van?
- [Chinese leader] Like I said,
where you are from,
everyone speaks and nobody listens,
but we do.
(Somber opera music plays)
- [Advisor #2] For f*ck's sake.
Who the hell left him here alone?
- Congratulations on
winning the presidency.
- To you as well. I'll
have the beef Wellington.
- I'm your advisor, not your waiter,
but I suggest you get the Turkey.
- Come on Mr. Bishop.
We're having a party just for you.
- Oh, and green beans.
- [Advisor #3] Forget the green beans.
(Leeroy muttering inaudibly)
(Footsteps)
(Bright piano tune plays)
(Footsteps)
- [Advisor #1] I never
thought we could pull it off.
(Glass clinks on table)
- You know what my dad
loved about this country?
- [Advisor #1] What's that?
- The sh*t.
- Ma'am?
- He believed that if you worked hard,
you could always get a
good sh*t at the middle class.
If you worked extra hard
with a little bit of luck and tenacity,
you had a sh*t at the upper class.
- Your father grew up in
different times, of course.
- We created these times.
What's your name, anyway?
- William.
- Well, William, in the early 1960s,
we had a president who
wanted to change the system.
We tried talking to him through our people,
but he wouldn't listen.
He told us, try and make me.
We did.
And we blamed that guy
in the book depository.
Most of America believed
the story we told them,
and ever since then,
we decided the idea of
democracy does not work.
Democracy means
the average person votes
for what they think is best.
And what? Let the idiots decide?
The English had it right.
They believed the more land you own,
the more votes you got.
System worked great.
They loved their aristocracy
and they truly loved their people.
We give people the illusion of democracy.
Every time we try an outrageous idea,
we think we're never going to pull it off,
and we do.
It's just given us more confidence.
As long as our leaders
play along, all is good.
God help us and protect us from ourselves.
- The cost of doing business.
I guess in the end,
if the average person
gets his pizza and beer
and has a working TV,
that's all they really need.
(Bright tune begins)
- Guests should be arriving soon.
Let the games begin.
(Glass clinks on table)
(Bright music intensifies)
(Triangular dice rolling on table)
(Bright music intensifies)
- Do you recall the last
time you were nervous?
- Yeah, I think it was when
I was sucking your (beep)
During the renaissance.
(Ralph and Tucker chuckle)
(Bright music continuing)
(Bright music fades)
(Jolly music begins)
(Jolly music continuing)
(Music fades)