01x15 - The Honorable Dan Fielding

[bunniefuu]

Rand, you know I want to hear

all about the dance
crew on your subway car.

- I just can't right now.
- You don't understand.

They were doing flips over me.

They made Patrick Swayze and
Jennifer Grey look like trash.

Most impressive part was

none of the dancing
was even remotely dirty.

Okay, but you got to sit down.
I have to start court.

Okay, maybe you should sit down
'cause I need to start court.

Alright. Stop. I'm gonna tell
you what I tell most dogs.

You're not nearly as cute as
you think you are. Now sit.

Counselors, could you please approach?

This is mostly just relationship talk.

- Nope.
- Absolutely not.

Hey, one of you has to stay.

- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]

I'm sure you've been wondering

how things are going with me and Rand.

You have to know that I haven't.

Oh. Well, the answer is great.

I was having some doubts,
but ever since he's been here,

it's clear the problem
was just the long distance.

Look how cute he is sitting
court side like a basketball wife

or a more handsome Jack Nicholson.

More handsome?

Someone clearly hasn't
seen "The Shining."

First up, the People vs. Louise Johnson.

The defendant is charged with arson

for setting a fire at Shady
Acres eldercare facility.

Uh, Your Honor, this was an accident.

My client was visiting
her gentleman friend

at his care facility
celebrating his birthday,

and t-the candles got
a little out of hand.

He's , so it was a
lot for the flan to take.

And certainly my client
cannot be held responsible

for the structural
instability of said flan.

It doesn't feel like these actions

rise to the level of arson,

so I'm gonna say fine for
damages and case dismissed.

Great ruling! Tough but fair!

That's my fiancée.

She doesn't even practice that gaveling.

She just nails it every time.

You dating anyone in
the courtroom or...?

♪♪

♪♪

I can't wait for this courthouse tour.

Is it true you guys
have a vending machine

that still sells cigarettes?

That's nothing. We also
have a working switchboard.

No one uses it, but those nice
ladies just have nowhere to go.

Um, I'm sorry. Can I help you?

No, I'm fine.
I'm the new public defender.

What? Where's Dan?

That's the thing about Dans.
They're everywhere.

I'm Ken Clark, and I
love black licorice.

No, thank you.

[CHUCKLES] She does not speak for me.

I'm gonna go find Dan and
figure out what's going on.

Is it okay if we take a
rain check on the tour?

Oh, yeah, I can do a self-guided tour.

What's the worst that could happen?

Nothing, as long as
you take this whistle.

There's a lot of birds in the walls,
and if they're poised to att*ck,

that will help you sound
like the pigeon king.

Might as well take one for the road.

You've already had some.

Hey, Gurgs.

So, how's it goin'?

I just failed another practice test

for the bailiff supervisor program.

I didn't know there
were bailiff supervisors.

Oh, you think we just
arrive fully formed?

I'm terrible with tests.

Those Scantron forms with
their cold, soulless circles,

they freak me out!

The only machine I trust is my Roomba,

whirring along, doing
its job, eating my dirt.

May I borrow your salt?

- Oh, sure.
- Not a chance!

I've seen you around here
pulling your salt scam!

We all know you trying
to build a salt wife!

Ehh!

I think I have a solution.

We lock all the salt
shakers in the salt closet?

- We have a salt closet?
- I already said too much.

No, I-I'm talking about your studying.

I'm amazing at exams.

I just helped my neighbor
pass his DMV vision test,

and that man has no
business behind the wheel!

[LAUGHS]

Alright. Let's do this.
I need all the help I can get.

Aw, no, he's going
for the Himalayan pink.

She's out of your league, Colin!

There you are.

You're leaving and you
weren't gonna even tell me?!

Just sneaking off into the night

like a real Kevin the chicken thief?

- Kevin was...
- You know Kevin was a fox.

I knew you'd be upset.

That's why I was writing you a note.

It's all explained in there.

"By the time you read
this, I will be gone

so you can't be mad at me."

Now, imagine reading that,
but I've already left.

Poignant, sparse.

- That's how you build a memory.
- A note?

After everything we've been
through, you leave me a note?

- You would pull this...
- Would you let me explain?

Yes, fine. Go ahead. Explain.

How dare you quit!

And to go do what?

I can't imagine that you have
a good reason for leaving.

- I'm leaving to be a judge.
- And you don't even bother...

- Wait. What?
- I've been offered a position

back home... Pearl River, Louisiana.

I start next week.

Oh. Well, I guess that
is a pretty good reason.

Wait. You weren't gonna
put that in the note?!

[STAMMERS]

A judgeship.
It's an incredible opportunity.

Yeah, being a judge is kind
of a dream I had given up on.

Think about it. I've been judging
people my entire life for free.

Now I'm gonna get a paycheck for it.

I can't blame you for
following your dream.

It would inspire me to follow my dream,
but my dream's impossible.

I want to be a twin.

Truth is, I was a bit adrift
before you came and dragged me

out of retirement, forced
me to take this job.

So... thank you.

- Dan, that's so...
- No. Stop. Just stop.

That's why I was writing a note.

You want to hug something, hug the note.

Thank you for the
heads-up about the birds.

The scariest part isn't the v*olence.

It's that they seem
to pick their victims.

Rand, Dan is leaving, but
it's because I helped him,

gave his life new meaning,
et cetera, et cetera.

Oh, man.

I know we don't know each
other very well, but I'll...

I'll never forget the
advice you gave me.

"Rand, your fly is down."

Rand, your fly is down again.

As true now as it was then.

[ZIPPER SLIDES]

Well, it's clear there's no way
I'm gonna convince you not to go,

just like there's no way
you're gonna convince me

not to throw you the
greatest goodbye party

- this town has ever seen.
- Oh, g...

And you're not taking off for the bayou

without us throwing a
party to say, "Bye, you."

And, you know, Rand can help me plan it.

He's great at this kind of thing.

Yes, yes. I-I've planned,
like, dozens of horse pageants.

A few of them went awry,
but that's not my fault.

See, the horses need to learn
the pageants are not for them.

Anyway, Abby, you ready to
go and get something to eat?

Oh, Judge, I'm so sorry to bother you.

You were so kind to me earlier.

I wondered if you could
do me one more favor.

I'm sure I can find some time on...

No, it needs to happen right now.

Um...

Yeah, s-sure. Fine. Stay and help.

Aww. Thank you for
understanding. You're the best.

But I don't want you to eat alone.

So Dan will go with you!

Rand can help start planning your party.

Yeah. For a theme, are you thinking

masquerade or mouse-querade?

Why do I feel those
are my only two options?

♪♪

So, we have covered a lot
of test-taking strategies.

How are you feeling?

I know the answer to this one. Good!

Well, let's see how
you do on a pop quiz.

In a multiple-choice test,
the most common answer is...

A: B, B: C, C: A, or
D: all of the above?

Uh, this is too much.

I've forgotten everything. Who are you?!

Okay, we might've moved too
fast, but we can use this.

If you panic during the
test, try visualization.

Where do you feel most safe?

Um, the basement level
of Bed Bath & Beyond,

World of Aquatic Birds at the Bronx Zoo,

and this court.

Yes! You love this court!

It's the thing I
understand least about you.

And you love Daylight Savings Time.

Well, I love anything that
Arizona is not involved in.

Alright. Let's try it.

I want you to close your eyes.

Okay, but you better not hypnotize me

and convince me to quit smoking.

A guy did that once, and I miss it.

You're here, in this court,
with all your friends.

[ECHOING] And they're helping
to answer the test questions.

[GASPS] This is so cool!

Hey, Gurgs! Focus!

If a race car driver finishes
. laps in a -lap race,

what percentage of the race remains?

Just see how many times you
can subtract . from .

You got this, daddio!

Race cars! Vroom, vroom! Hi, Gurgs!

The answer... is .

Now, would you let me out
of here? This is stupid.

[GASPS] It's %.

Wait a minute.

Abby's cool, but I'm the Hamburglar?

I'm just as surprised as you are.

So, Evelyn, I hear you've banned Louise

from visiting Shady Acres.

This is just such a sweet
couple we're talking about here.

We shouldn't be keeping
them apart just because

of a little flan faux pas.

All they want is a birthday do-over.

That's how it starts.
A little birthday party.

Then suddenly, it's midday raves,

pill swapping, constant hookups.

We have to triple-chlorinate the pool!

My social life? Nada.

I'm too busy trying
to keep these horndogs

from spreading the jitterbug,

an STD we thought time had forgotten.

We have a good time!

I can't add an arsonist into the mix.

I want to see firefighters
running in there

like the next gal,
but it's just too much.

Sorry I couldn't do more.

Now I have a lot of questions for
my grandmother about her bridge club.

I don't remember ever seeing any cards.

See, Elmer and I met
late in life, and...

probably don't have many
more birthdays left to share.

I don't know if you've
ever lost someone,

but the time you lose,

you can never get back.

Okay, Louise, you got me

with that sweet face and
how everything you wear

is a slightly different shade of purple.

This is unfair. You're not an arsonist.

And Elmer deserves to have his birthday.

If you're not allowed in there,

we're just gonna have to bust him out.

Yes! Yes, yes!

Should we celebrate with pills?

You're gonna want to try a Wednesday.

Hanging out with Gabby's
kids has been so fun.

I get to read a lot
of books about trucks

with positive attitudes and
hungry bugs who learn lessons.

I find it very relatable
because I've also been hungry.

Got to be honest... barely listening.

Nervous about test scores.
Can't even sentence.

You know what quiets the ol' brain?

Alcohol. Nature's snooze button.

I got this. Oh, waiter!

No. Let me try. Hey, Six Train!

Haven't I seen you reading
Sue Grafton on rd Street?

Wow, Gurgs. Really amazing
at remembering people.

The salt guy, this waiter.

I may have to use this
superpower of yours for evil.

You mean you want me
to help you meet people?

That's not using it for evil.
That's using it for normal.

Huh. That seems less fun, but...

okay.

Well, well, well.

If there was one person
I didn't expect to see

at Dan's going-away party, it's Dan.

- Very funny.
- Oh, good, 'cause

I'm starting my speech with it.

There's gonna be tears,
there's gonna be laughter,

a lot of observational
humor, and some crowd work.

Yeah, this guy knows
what I'm talkin' about.

Who the hell are all these people?

Oh, okay, well, there's
some from the courthouse,

some former clients,
um, a few legal bigwigs.

To get them here, I had to tell them
they were nominated for an award,

so you're gonna have
to hand out some awards.

But mostly people are
here to celebrate you.

- Hope you're ready for it.
- Oh, I'm definitely ready.

My bags are packed, the Uber's ordered,

and I leave the first time
I hear any glasses... ding.

Oh, you can't leave your own party.

There's a lot of people here who want

to tell you how much you mean to them.

So you have to sit and listen
to every last Fielding fan.

No, no, no. I have a surefire
way out of any conversation.

See, the trick is just to have
a little of your drink left

so that at any moment, you can go,

"Uh-oh! Time for a refill!"

Hey! There's the man of the glower.

You said I could use that in my speech!

- You still can.
- But he's already heard it.

Oh, look at that. Time for a refill.

Alright, Gurgs, open up that
magic box of a brain of yours

and tell me the who's who of
the who's here who can help me.

Okay, uh, let's see.

Oh, uh, Senior Budget
Analyst Bernie Efrain.

The Mayor's Chief of
Staff, Susan McTavish.

- Tony Danza.
- Tony Danza?

Senior Law Librarian Tonathan Danza.

Still a pretty good get, though.

Ooh, what about that
woman surrounded by people?

- She looks important.
- That's Emily Carpenter.

She's a lawyer visiting from England.

[GASPS] A barrister.

With the exchange rate,
they're worth . American lawyers.

- Tell me everything.
- She's married to a doctor,

she lives in Shoreditch,
and she breeds Yorkies.

Mm!

[BRITISH ACCENT] Ms. Carpenter,
so lovely to see you again.

Are your b*tches in heat this month?

You did such an amazing job
helping me plan this party.

And you resisted the urge
to get a bounce house!

I'm so proud of you.

I knew Dan would never
take his shoes off.

I took mine off halfway through lunch.

He called me a communist.

I'm just excited we actually
get to spend some time together.

Aww. You know I love
spending time with...

- [CELLPHONE BUZZES]
- Oh. Sorry.

- Hello?
- Change of plans.

We have to break Elmer out tonight.

I can't tonight. I-I thought
we agreed on tomorrow.

They're moving him to the third floor!

Sure, his new room has a walk-in bath

and a view of the good bird feeder,

but it's too high for a prison break.

Oh, please, Judge.

Okay. Yeah.

Uh, I'm on my way.

Okay. Don't be mad. I just
have to go help someone.

Wait. What. Now?!

I know it's not ideal,
but I'll be right back.

Enjoy the party. When they start

bringing out the crab balls,
just please don't laugh.

Abby, t-this is a
party for your friend.

I love small talk with strangers.

I've made that very clear.
But a man has his limits!

I thought we were gonna
get to hang out together.

You know I want to, but you also
know how important my work is to me.

But aren't I important, too?

Of course. I'm just not used
to distractions from work.

- I'm a distraction?
- No, that's not what I meant.

I-I'm sorry. I don't have
time to get into this now.

I'm gonna be right back, okay?

If those are crab
balls, don't even bother.

I'm not in the mood to
laugh. They'd be wasted on me.

There you are.

Little update... I have to leave.

- Oh, perfect. I'll go with you.
- No, you have to stay

at your party, but I'll be back soon.

I just have to go help
someone really quick.

- Sounds about right.
- Don't go anywhere.

I want to say a proper
goodbye when I get back.

Dan. Um, I have someone
more important to talk to,

so I guess this is...

It is.

Any chance that our goodbye
will be that cut and dry?

It won't.

Please promise me you'll be here.

Fine. I promise.

The hell am I supposed to do
with this? I said a splash.

Dan, Dan, Dan, there's
just so much I have to say.

Oh, you know what?
I've got to get a drink, uh,

which I have in my hand.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Anyway, "Dear, Dan..."

You know what? No. Please don't.

Don't say anymore. You know why?

Because, um, I want you to come with me.

Sure! Leave it all behind!

Uh, "Judge Fielding and Neil Clerk."

You know I can't.
I have a girlfriend now.

Oh, that's just too bad for me.

Then fine. Just go. I can't look at you.

It hurts too much. Ahh...

He gone? I can't take it.

I can't listen to any
more emotional talk.

Abby and I had a fight.

[HOARSELY] Go ahead.

Just with everything she's got going on,

I feel like there's no space for me.

[NORMAL VOICE] Look, Rand, I
was married for a long time,

and for much of that, Sarah
and I were inseparable.

But there were times we couldn't
find minutes for each other.

Usually during the Westminster Dog Show.

For some reason, she needed
utter silence to watch

some smug Pekingese show
off its perfect haunches.

Yeah, I remember Wasabi.

Look, the point is that

you're always gonna
be her go-to person,

her first phone call
when she needs someone.

Dan, you have insane
emotional intelligence.

Rand, I have every type of intelligence.

Look, I know we don't
know each other very well,

- but I am really gonna...
- Eh. This party sucks.

♪♪

This is his window.

We may have to knock hard.

He takes his hearing
aids out after "Jeopardy!"

- What is makes total sense?
- [LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING ON GLASS]

- Louise?
- Fran?!

What the hell are you
doing in Elmer's bedroom?!

Okay, I'm sure there's a
perfectly reasonable exp...

Oh, I will slice you so
fast, you won't know what...

- No slicing. No slicing.
- Louise?

Oh, it's the wrong window.

Oh, Louise, we got to move fast.

Come on. Let's make the
most of those new knees.

Adorable grandkids, by the way. Come on.

♪♪

Gurgs. What's wrong?
Did you also just hear

they're switching to a cash bar?

No. That's not it.

But you don't want to
hear about my stuff.

Tonight's about you.

Oh, whoa, whoa, you know,
you're one of the few people

I like talking to around
here, so do me a favor.

Don't... Don't ruin it,
alright? So, what's going on?

I just got an e-mail that I
didn't pass my entrance exam.

I'll tell you the problem.
The proctor was a smoke show.

I mean, how are you supposed
to concentrate on a test

with a hottie like...

[GASPS] Unless that was the test.

Forget the result, alright?
You're better than that exam.

You know what? You
passed a much harder one.

The Dan Fielding Approval Test.

And the D-FAT... very prestigious.

Mm. See? This is why I'm gonna miss you.

And see? Now we're done.

Gurgs, I'd like you to meet someone.

Emily was impressed
that I remembered her,

and I admitted it was
your special skill.

And she said... Well, I'll
let you tell it, Emily.

Do it in your accent.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
I do everything in my accent.

Olivia told me all about you,

and I think you'd be perfect
for a program at Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard?

That's the fanciest police
station in the world.

Well, they've put together an elite unit

of facial-recognition experts
called The Super Recognizers.

- I know the name's sort of silly...
- The coolest.

I know it's not bailiff supervisor.

Oh, it's better.

I mean, I've always wanted
to be part of an elite unit.

And recognize people? That's what I do.

Darren. Gus.

Never seen him before.
But obviously Carl.

You used your schmooze
powers for me, Olivia.

That's not evil at all.

Well, don't tell anyone.

Hey, Six Train!
I'm gonna be a Super Recognizer!

Crab ball?

Hey. Why you back here hiding?

Isn't this your party?

Just waiting for an Uber to the airport.

I got TSA-Pre, so I'm
like a king at the airport.

Which is a shame because I'm
amazing at taking off my belt and shoes.

Yeah, well, I'd rather spend my time

waiting in a Wolfgang Puck Express

than here listening to one
more person say goodbye.

Why don't people just leave me alone?

- Got it.
- I mean, why are they all

getting so worked up anyway?

It's not like I'm gone for
good. I'm keeping my apartment.

Next month I'm seeing Alan
Alda at the nd Street Y,

and when he sold me those tickets,

he was very clear... no refunds.

Cool. Well, I'm-a take these...

And I know that I told
Abby that I would stay,

but I don't think a-a
messy, emotional goodbye

is something that I can handle tonight.

Goodbyes can be tough,

but that's how you know
you had something real.

Anyway, this is a nice party, man.

Someone must really care about you.

Take the Queensboro Bridge.
I'm not paying for the tunnel.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

Ohh.

Uh, yes. Hi. Abby.

No, wait. It's... Let me explain.

I had to leave. It was an emergency.

That's not important right now.

Any chance I can convince
you to come out of retirement?

Again?

I've been arrested!

It's funny!