01x09 - How Ugly Is He?

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Dad.

Vanessa, You Know The Rules.

You Are Not To Come Down Here
When I Am Working.

I Came Down Here
Because I'm Worried About You.

Worried About Me?

Denise Was Just Telling Theo

That Whenever
Her Boyfriends Come Here

You're Rough On Them.

"Rough"?

I'm Just Saying What I Heard.

Make Yourself
Comfortable.

She Said

That One Boy
Was In The Room

When You Asked Mom,
"How Ugly Is He?"

Well, The Boy Was Ugly.

And What About The Boy
Whose Haircut You Didn't Like?

That Boy Had Shaved
A Landing Strip

Across The Top Of His Head.

I Think It's Funny, Too,
But Let Me Ask You:

When Did You Last Meet
One Of Denise's Boyfriends?

Landing Strip.

There Have Been
A Couple Since Him.

Why Did You Come Here?

Because Denise
Has A New Boyfriend.

He's Really Neat, Smart,
And An Absolute Fox.

We've All Met
Him Except You.

Even Theodore.

Theodore's Met Him,
And I Haven't?

I'm Afraid So.

I Hope This Wasn't Snitching.

I'm Trying To Cut Down.

(Rock Music On Television)

What Is It?

A New Video
By "The Maniacs."

Why Is She
Hitting Him?

Shh!

Why Is He Breaking
The Car Windows?

If You Understood
"The Maniacs"

You Wouldn't
Be Asking.

I Told You Not To
Watch That Trash.

All It Is
Is A Nightmare Put To Music.

If You Understood
"The Maniacs"

You Wouldn't
Say That.

I Understand
From An Inside Source

That Denise Has A New Boyfriend.

I'm Not Talking.

So, You're Sworn
To Secrecy, Huh?

All I Want Is His Name.

Don't Do This--
Denise Will k*ll Me.

Well, You're Going
To Tell Me His Name

Because Everybody Knows
You Can't Keep A Secret.

Look At
Your Face.

It's Sliding Out Of Your Face.

It's David James.

Rudy!

It Just Slid
Out Of My Face.

David James
Is Nice, Huh?

Isn't He?

He Writes Poetry, He's Polite
And Good-Looking.

You Met Him?

Yes.

Rudy's Met Him,
Vanessa's Met Him

Theo's Met Him.

She's Hiding Him
From Me, Isn't She?

Why Would She
Do That?

She Thinks
I'm Too Rough On Them.

But I'm Not.

Of Course You're Not.

But Does Any Of This
Sound Familiar--

"How Ugly Is He?"

"Who Is His Parole Officer?"

Face It, Cliff, You Are Rough.

I'm Not That Rough.

Well, What Are You?

The Way I See It Is
I'm Like Old Yeller.

You Know That Movie
"Old Yeller"

Where The Dog
Protected The Home?

It's My Job To Protect The Home,
So I Have To Bark.

R-R-Ruff! R-R-Ruff!

Boys Come By The House,
And I Bark.

Pretty Soon, Boys
Come By And They Say:

"Old Yeller Lives Up There."

All I'm Saying Is That
Some Good Ones Come By

And Some Bad Ones Come By.

Old Yeller-- That's My Job.

Cliff, You Know
At The End Of That Movie

They Shot
Old Yeller.

"Tomorrow Is, Tomorrow Was,
Tomorrow Shall Be An Eternity.

Love, David."

(Knocking)

Who Is It?

It's Your Father.

Come In.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey.

What?

I Want To Meet David.

We Broke Up.

No, No, Now Listen To Me.

I Understand
That I've Been Rough

And For That I Apologize.

But I've Heard
Good Things About David.

Let Me Ask You...

How Ugly Is He?

No, Look, That's All Over.

I'm Telling You.

What Do You Think

About Bringing Him Over
For Dinner Friday Night?

Oh, No Way.

You Don't Know Your Father.

If I Promise You I'll Behave,
Then You Bring Him Over

And You'll See A Man

Who Is Gracious
And Courteous.

And You'll Look And You'll Say,
"Is That My Father?"

Honest.

We'll Eat In The Dining Room.

We Never Eat There.

That's Right.

We'll Eat In The Dining Room.

I'll Break Out The Best China

And Linen Napkins
To Dab Our Mouths.

And It Will Be
A Totally Adult Evening.

Oh, Right, With Theo,
Vanessa And Rudy.

No, No One Under Admitted.

Okay, I'll Go Call David.

Okay.

Thanks.

♪ La-La La-La La-La-La ♪

Cliff, I'm Home!

Of Course You're Home!

Why Would You Yell That?

Mr. Auerbach Walked Into
My Office At : On A Friday

With A Brief
For Me To Rewrite.

Clair, Stop!

Look!

And Smell!

Oh, My, Cliff's
Salisbury Steak Delight?

Red Beans And Rice.

Turning Out With
The Turnip Greens.

And What Is That?

Cliff's Own Deep-Dish
Sweet Potato Cobbler.

Another Of Your
Dessert Mistakes?

Trust Me.

The Kitchen...

Is Spotless.

Is Spotless.

You Thought You Would Come Home
To Gunga Din, Didn't You?

I Did. I'm Sorry.

Don't Look Out There.

Oh, Cliff.

Why Is There A Pile Of Dirty
Pots And Pans In The Backyard?

Because It Came Down To
Either Scrubbing The Pots

Or Spending An Hour With Denise
Picking Out My Wardrobe.

Look At You.

All Right!

She Took A Flashlight
And Went Into My Closet

And Found Where I Hid
My Father's Day Presents.

Mom, Is That What
You're Wearing?

Is Dinner Ready?

Vanessa And Rudy Won't
Come Downstairs, Will They?

Just Be Cool.

The Food's Beautiful.

Your Mother's Beautiful.

I Put Lum And Abner
In Their Room

And Nailed
The Door Shut.

Just Be...

(Doorbell)

I Got It.

Please, Let Me.

I Want The First Face
He Sees To Be Mine.

Where Do You
Want My Face?

Right There, Okay?

Forever?

How Am I Doing
So Far?

Hello.

Don't Be Nervous.

I'm Not Nervous.

I Am.

You Know My Mom.

Nice To See You Again.

Hello, David.

And This Is My Dad,
Dr. Huxtable.

Nice To
Meet You, Sir.

Likewise.

I Understand You're
A Fan Of Tony Taylor.

Yeah, Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor.

Do You Have
This One?

"Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor:
Live At The Bohemian Caverns."

Thought You Might
Like To Borrow It.

Well, Thank You
Very Much.

I Think I'll Play This
Right Now.

Mom, Why Don't I
Help You In The Kitchen?

(Jazz Piano)

Ooh, I Mean, Taylor--

He Did Things Then That People
Today Still Can't Understand.

Nobody Can Touch Him.

Hey, David!

Hey, Theo.

What's This?

Tony 'Clean Head' Taylor.

He's A Genius.

A Genius?
At What?

You Like
This Stuff?

Give It A Chance, Theo.

Hey, Did I Ask You
To Turn The Music Off?

But You
Turned It Off?

Yeah.

Would You Like To Ask Me
To Turn The Music Off?

Can I Turn
It Off?

Yes.

Ah... My Socks?

Don't Be Embarrassed.

I Do It Myself
Sometimes.

I'm Not Embarrassed.

To Me, Matched Socks

Are An Unnecessary
Rule Of Society.

So, Uh... You Did
That On Purpose?

Absolutely.
I Never Match My Socks.

You Know, I Listened To
Taylor All Through College.

Where Did You Go?

Hillman.

Have You Given
College Any Thought?

I've Already Gotten Into

Harvard, Vanderbilt,
Stanford And Duke.

You Go Over By Him.

You've Applied To
Some Fine Schools.

I Haven't Applied, Dr. Huxtable.

They Came To Me.

And What School
Are You Going To Choose?

I'm Not.

You See, I'm Not Going Because

Frankly,
I Don't Believe In Grades.

You, Too?

Usually, People Who
Don't Believe In Grades

Do So Because Of The
Grades They're Getting.

I Get All A's.

But What Does An "A"
Really Mean?

Yeah.

I've Been Reading Socrates

And He Believed
That True Learning

Comes From Observing The World.

Where Can I
Get That Book?

You Don't Read, Son.

Maybe There's
A Movie About It.

You Go Upstairs And
Do Your Homework.

But, Dad, What Does
Homework Really Mean?

It Could Mean A Lot Of Pain
If You Don't Do It.

See You, David.

Man, Love Those Socks.

What Will You Do
After Graduation?

Spend Some Time
Trying To Find Myself.

How Much Time Will That Take?

About Five Or Ten Years.

You'll Be Able To Find Yourself
Plus A Couple More People.

Dinner Is Served.

Dinner.
All Right, Dinner.

So, How Do
You Like Him?

I Don't Know If
That's Him Or Not.

He Hasn't Found Himself.

The Entree--

Dr. Huxtable's
Salisbury Steak Deluxe.

I'm Sorry,
Dr. Huxtable.

I Don't Eat Meat.

The Boy Does Not Eat Meat.

I'm A Vegetarian.

I Didn't
Know That.

We Have Red Beans And Rice.

I Only Eat Brown Rice.

Okay, We'll Take The Rice
And Burn It For You.

Dad!

Huh?

The Salad
Will Be Plenty.

I'll Just Have
Salad Myself.

Good. Then There Will Be
More For Us.

I Became A Vegetarian

Because Studies I've Read
Confirm That Many Illnesses

Can Be Traced
To The Consumption Of Meat.

Mrs. Huxtable And I
Love To Live Dangerously.

Nothing Personal, Dr. Huxtable

But I'd Expect That Answer
From A Doctor.

The Medical Establishment
Does A Poor Job

Of Stressing The Link
Between Diet And Good Health.

I Understand
You're A Real Theater Buff.

Yeah--
One Of My Passions.

I Just Loved "Dreamgirls."

"Dreamgirls"?

David Is Bothered

By The Gross Commerciality
Of Contemporary Theater.

Well, We Left That Theater

Humming The Tunes
And Feeling Fine.

I Think The Medical Profession
Has Done A Good Job

In Stressing The Link
Between Diet And Health.

We Disagree On That

And Probably On Other Things
About The Medical Profession.

This Isn't The Time Or
Place To Discuss Them.

Nonsense.
What's On Your Mind?

Don't You Think Doctors
Overcharge People?

For Example, How Much
Does It Cost To Have A Baby?

It Depends On The Situation.

I've Read
That Doctors Charge

Four Times The Amount
A Midwife Does.

That's Because A Midwife

Doesn't Have The Expertise
Or Equipment That I Have

In Case Problems Arise.

That Extra Money You Charge

Protects The Patient
In Case There Are Complications?

Absolutely.

If There Aren't
Any Complications

Do You Give The Money Back?

Yeah.

That Salad Needs
More Dressing.

No, It Doesn't.

Yes, It Does

And We Need To
Bring Out The Main Course.

Excuse Us.

Certainly.

Cliff?

Clair, Don't Ask Me
To Go Back In There.

I'm Sitting At My Dinner Table

With A Kid
Who Cannot Find Himself

Who Is Finding Fault With Me.

Cliff, He Was Just
Asking Questions

Because He's An Intelligent Kid.

He's An Arrogant
"Twilight Zone."

It Won't Be
Much Longer.

They Said They're Leaving
At : To See A Movie.

Take Me Back In There,
And I Warn You--

You Are Dangling Raw Meat
In Front Of Old Yeller.

You Can Dish It Out

But You Can't
Take It.

That's The Best Conversation

That Dining Room's
Seen In Years.

I'm Going
Back In There

And You Are
Coming With Me.

So Be Cool.

I Hope
You're Not Mad

At What I Said
About Doctors.

This Is A Good Conversation.

The Huxtables Have Always
Enjoyed Good Conversation.

We Have?

What Should We Talk About Now--
Politics, Poetry, Art?

You're An Attorney,
Mrs. Huxtable?

The Law.

How Can You Work
In A Profession

Where You Defend People
You Know Are Guilty

Just So You Can Collect
Your Paycheck?

David, According To
The th Amendment

Everyone's Entitled
To Due Process.

I'd Expect That Answer
From A Lawyer.

What I Really Don't
Understand, Mrs. Huxtable

Is Why Do You
Divide Your Time

Between Pursuing Your Career
And Raising Your Family?

I Don't Understand
Your Point.

Your Husband Makes
A Lot Of Money.

Shouldn't You Stay Home
With The Kids?

That Is A Sexist
Statement, Young Man!

Why Don't You
Ask Dr. Huxtable
That Question?!

Let's Go Get Some
Rolls Or Something.

Come Up With
Another Point.

How Dare He?!

Little
Scraggly-Leg Pup!

Park His Feet Underneath
My Dining Room Table

And Tell Me
I'm Not A Good Mother?!

(Imitating Clair)
"Dear, He's Just
An Intelligent Boy."

Don't Start With Me
This Evening.

Listen To Me.

You Know "Old Yeller"?

After He Died,
They Made A Sequel--

"Mrs. Old Yeller."

Mrs. Old Yeller Was
Worse Than Old Yeller.

All Old Yeller Did Was Bark.

(Barking)

But Mrs. Old Yeller Said:

(Growling)

And She Bit People.

Mom,
Dad...

There May Be A Line
At The Movie

So We're
Going Now.

Nice Meeting You,
Doctor.

Yes, Sir.

Mrs. Huxtable...

(Growling)

Heel!

(Barking)

Heel!

Heel!

Heel!

Heel...

And Heel Some More.

Oh, Boy,
I Sure Do Love This.

I'd Say So.

That's Your
Third Bowl.

Hi.

Hi. How Was
The Movie?

Okay.

What Did You See?

"South Dakota."

The Western
With Rory Calhoun?

No. This Movie Was
About South Dakota.

David Comes Up With
The Strangest Ideas.

David?

The Wonderful Fellow
We Had Dinner
With Tonight?

I Don't Know What You Mean.

"South Dakota"
Was About This Guy

Who Moves To South Dakota
To Live Off The Land.

His Wife Pulls The Plow
For Him.

To Farm
More Acres

He Marries More Wives.

After The Fourth Wife

David Says,
"I Could Really Get Into This."

I Said,
"Are You Serious?"

He Said, "Yeah, Maybe."

We Start Arguing
Right In The Theater.

Daddy, Would You Ask Mom
To Pull A Plow For You?

Yeah.

Would You Pull It?

No.

(Phone Rings)

Hello, This Is
The Huxtable Residence.

Hey, David,
How Are You Doing?

Just A Minute.

I'll See
If She's Here.

Daddy, Tell Him
I'm Not Home.

Tell Him He Doesn't
Understand Women.

First You Say
I'm Rough On Your Friends.

Now You Say...

I'm Not Doing Anything.

You Got Something
To Say To David

You Tell Him.

Mom...

This Is Between You And David.

Okay.

I'll Take It Upstairs.

David, I've Located Her.

Hold The Phone A Second.

Denise!

Yeah!

Telephone!

Okay, Thanks, Dad!

Dave, She's Coming To The Phone.

There She Is.

See You, David.

What..?

Get Off The Phone.