04x05 - Straight from the Heart

[bunniefuu]

And on the local scene
this friday afternoon,

County vice squad raids continue

With the closing of two
more so-called adult theaters.

Captain ernest t. Gibbs,
head of the p*rn patrol,

Had this to say about
the progress of the raids:

- (Country music plays)
- man: ooh-wee,
that's good bacon.

Sweet and smoky,
with a whole-hog taste.

Woman: it's porker's
paradise snub-nosed slab...

Moving from p*rn to corn,

"The free farmers
foundation of omaha, nebraska,

Finally made public today

The name of this year's
winner of their highest award

In conservative
agrarian broadcasting,

The copper cob trophy.

I was quite surprised
when mr. Jimmy lee watson,

President of these plowing
patriots, called and told me:

Man: all purveyors of obscenity

Will be exposed for
what they really are...

(Indistinct)

Mr. Jimmy lee watson
went on to say that

Yours truly, this
reporter, les nessman,

Will received the highly-prized
copper cob tomorrow

At the awards function
in omaha, nebraska.

Well done, les. This is
les nessman reporting.

Where's my closing cart?

- (Pop music plays)
- uh, nice work, les.

You can always tell a pro

By the way he covers
his technical errors.

Thanks. Oh, um, I
won't be able to

Play poker tonight
with you fellows.

Oh, darn.

Well, it's this awards
thing. What can I do?

I've got to fly
to omaha tonight.

Success has its high price, les.

(Laughing) yeah.

Bailey: no, it's
unanimous, jennifer.

They say poker is not for women.

Oh.

Ladies.

Herb,

I though you were going to get
an early start on your vacation.

L-last-minute details.

Well, I've, uh...
I've got to go.

Lucille has the kids in the car

Loaded in the suitcase.

- Have fun, herb.
- Don't worry about anything.

Oh, you know me: I work
hard, then I play hard.

What was he looking for?

How are you, les?

Humbled and honored, jennifer.

And yet grateful to my
great many regular listeners.

He took his hospital
insurance forms on his vacation.

Oh, you know herb: he works
hard, then he plays hard.

- Right.
- Where is herb?

- He left.
- "Left"?

He was supposed to get
my plane ticket to omaha.

He told me he could
get a good price.

- Maybe he forgot.
- "Forgot"?

That flight is the only
way to get to omaha in time.

How could that little
twit do this to me?

Oh, thank goodness.

The red-eye to
omaha, coach class.

Sounds enchanting.

Look at this, les.

"I, herbert r. Tarlek,

Being of sound mind..."

Who is he trying to kid?

♪ Baby, if you've
ever wondered ♪

♪ Wondered whatever
became of me ♪

♪ I'm livin' on the
air in cincinnati ♪

♪ Cincinnati, wkrp ♪

♪ Got kind of tired of
packin' and unpackin' ♪

♪ Town to town, up
and down the dial ♪

♪ Maybe you and me
were never meant to be ♪

♪ Just maybe think
of me once in a while ♪

♪ I'm at wkrp in cincinnati ♪

(Phone ringing)

- Jennif... Jennifer?
- (Ringing continues)

Jennif... Jennifer?

Hello, wkrp.

Mr. Carlson? No, that's
absolutely impossible.

Well, we haven't
been able to find him

Since we started
redecorating the lobby.

Pardon?

Of course we're worried.

Mr. Carlson, is there
anything wrong with herb?

Well, he could start taking
his job a little more seriously.

'Course, he's not the worst
offender around here.

Oh, another thing, jennifer,

The only way you can break
these hipsters in is by wearing them.

I'll bet.

- What do you think, jennifer?
- I doubt he's going
on vacation.

- Huh? No, the present.
- It's nice.

It's for les. Mark the
little guy's winning

Of the, uh, copper thingamajig.

I can see you're impressed.

- It's a tie.
- Huh?

Never mind. I'll get mr. Carlson
for the presentation.

Oh, hello. Lucille?
This is jennifer.

I'm glad I caught
you before you left.

On your vacation.

Right.

We need a number where you'll be
staying in case we have to call herb.

Oh.

Well, have him call us, then.

Okay. Have fun.

Well, they don't look silly

When you're standing in
the middle of an icy stream.

I'm sorry. I said it. Let's just
give this to les, all right?

I knew it, jennifer.
I knew it. Herb is ill.

Les, lucille always sounds
strange. Don't go off half-cocked.

A newsman is
always fully cocked.

I'm calling the hospitals,
the cheapest one first.

Well, okay, but
don't say anything

To anyone until
we're sure, okay, les?

"Half-cocked."

Hello? Do you have
a herbert r. Tarlek,

T-a-r-l-e-k, there as a patient?

This is urgent. P.d.q. Les
nessman, wkrp news, here.

Yes, I'll hold.

Tomorrow I'll be
up to my, uh, knees

In the freezing ohio...
Now, is that silly?

No, sir. I'll round everybody up

While you entertain
jennifer and les.

- Huh?
- You always entertain me,
mr. Carlson.

Oh. (Chuckles)

- (Pop music plays)
- I can't believe it.

You guys are afraid of me.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Look at you.

You are terrified
to play a few hands

Of nickel-dime
poker with a female.

Not really terrified.

I thought you were real
men, but you're just... Whipped.

It's not me. Venus is
the one who's afraid.

I am not!

- You are so.
- Oh, no, I'm not.

- Yes, you are, man.
- 9:00, I'll bring the cards.

The other day you said...

Shh! Now, listen. Remember,
bailey: enthusiasm.

- Right.
- I'm sorry...

All righty, folks. We
have an occasion here

Before we all go
off on our weekend.

- Whoo! All right!
- Not yet, bailey.

I now turn the festivities
over to our head honcho,

Our numero uno, our own top dog,

Our fearless leader.

- Mr. Carlson...
- Hmm?

- Oh!
- Now, bailey.

Whoo! All right! Yea!

That's plenty, bailey.

Oh, yes. Staff, I
just wanted to say

That it comes as no surprise

To any of us here...
Well, actually,

No surprise to anybody
in cincinnati, really,

Who's within earshot
of a transistor

That one of our own
has distinguished himself

In a, uh, well, a
distinguished way.

Well, les, I'm
proud of you. Here.

Do you mind? I'm on hold.

Kind of gets you
right here, doesn't it?

- Yeah, it's too
emotional for me.
- Venus...

Les, I'll listen for you.

Here, you can trust
me. Go on, go on.

Go on, go on.

Well...

Well, les, it isn't every day that somebody
wins that nickel niblet award, so...

It's the copper cob, sir.

Ah.

So we got you a present. Here.

Ooh, for me, from all of you?

- Well, actually, les, it's...
- Both: from all of us.

It's so beautifully wrapped.

Snakeskin and pigs.

Ooh!

A simulated wood-grain-finished
trophy case kit!

All you need is
a few tools, les.

- And a free month or two.
- Yeah. Is that it?

Fever... Was that it?

Yeah. But...

Les, you've got a plane to catch

And I've got fish
to catch, so, uh...

- Good job, man.
- You deserve that.

I guess we can just
all go on... Home.

Even the glue's included.

Right, les. Congratulations.

Yes, still here.

Oh?

Is it serious?

No, just a friend.
Thank you anyway.

Les, you were right.
He is in the hospital.

- Who?
- Herb.

Now, it could be any
number of little things.

You know what a
frightened man herb is.

Well, I sure do.
He's my best friend.

Look, les, when you get home
tomorrow, we'll go visit him, okay?

Why didn't he tell me, jennifer?

Well, I'm sure he didn't
want to worry anyone.

You know how...
Thoughtful herb is.

I'm sure it's nothing.
Don't get carried away.

Jennifer, this is one time

I wish I weren't fully cocked.

- (Knock at door)
- mr. Tarlek?

Uh, yeah. Are you a nurse?

- Almost.
- Oh, great.

Uh, do I look sick?

Gee, it's hard to tell.

D-do I look like a man
who needs an operation?

- Can I tell you
something?
- Sure.

This is my first
week on the job.

But don't worry. I don't have to
know about illnesses and junk.

Since I'm new, they make
me do all the icky stuff

And deal with the
jerky patients. Here.

You're supposed to
take these so you sleep.

- What are these?
- Pills.

By any chance, is
my wife still here?

No. Listen,

I'd just love to
stay and chat more,

But I have to give a basketball
player a sponge bath.

(Knock at door)

Herb...

Lester, old buddy!

What are you doing here?

They didn't see you, did they?
They wouldn't even let lucille stay.

- I snuck in.
- You snuck in. (Laughing)

You sneaky, dirty dog, you.

That's me.

How did you know I was here?

It's my job to
know things, herb.

You didn't tell anybody?

I mean, you didn't
tell carlson or andy?

Not carlson or andy.

Good. Good.

Sit.

(Chuckles)

My old buddy, les!

I thought you were
supposed to be in omaha.

Well, that flight you booked
me on doesn't leave till 3:00 a.m.

Oh... Oh, yeah. That's
a nice flight, les.

Herb,

Why didn't you tell me?

It's no big deal.

You know how doctors are. You
know how people go off half-cocked.

(Chuckles)

Look at me.

Do I look healthy?
Better than you.

I'll tell you what. Go ahead
and hit me in the stomach.

- Oh, herb.
- No, no, no. I mean it.

Just go... (Groaning)

Well, you said to do it, herb.

(Groaning, coughing)

You all right?

You don't look so good now.

(Sighs) oh, les.

They want to run
some tests on my heart.

They think something's wrong.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

You can hit me back
if you want to, herb.

Maybe later, les.

I think they're crazy.

- My heart is as good
as the day it was born.
- You sure seem okay.

Everybody gets little pains
in their chest, you know?

- What pains?
- A lot of people do.

I didn't want to go
to see the doctor.

I knew it was the pizza. But no.

Lucille says, "go on, herb.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Go on."

Now it's a big deal.

Now they got to probe and cut

And stick a lot of tubes in me

And fill me with atomic stuff.

I tell you, les, the next time I
have gas, I'm not telling anybody.

Do you feel all right now, herb?

You tell me, huh? Look at this.

Boy, I tell you, les,

You've summed up modern
medicine a hundred times before.

- Oh, herb...
- People just laughed at you.

- Who?
- You know,

If a doctor doesn't find
anything wrong with you,

He doesn't make a sale.

Well, no, thanks.
No way and no how.

Herb, these are just
tests, aren't they?

Oh, yeah. Right.

You know, I give
him a lot of money,

He causes me a lot
of pain, and why?

Because I forgot to
hold the anchovies.

- Hand me my shoes.
- Why?

Because I am
getting out of here.

Anybody wants to cut me open,

It is gonna have to be
in the middle of an alley.

- Herb, you can't just leave.
- You know,

You have been right
about doctors all along.

Please don't listen to me. Sometimes
I don't know what I'm talking about.

Right.

- Are you coming?
- Where?

To be among the living, les.

But I was going to omaha.

Les, lying here tonight,

I realized just how precious

Every second of life is,

And starting right now,

This is one guy who's gonna
experience the wonder

And beauty of life
from a front-row seat.

- Let's go.
- (Jazzy music plays)

Man (german accent): ah, greta.

Woman: dieter.

(Man speaking german)

Herb?

- Herb: - hey!

Les, les.

(Woman speaking german)

Where have you been?
You missed the best part.

Shh! Shh!

Do you know what
kind of theater this is?

Absolutely. Just
watch this film.

(Woman speaking german)

It's all fuzzy.

Les, in 3-d, you have
to wear those glasses.

Then it's just like
they're in the same room.

Whoo. Whoo. Oh. Oh.

Herb,

- I've been thinking
about these heart tests...
- Les...

I really think you should
get a second opinion...

If not from a doctor, then
from a friend, like mr. Carlson.

- Carlson?
- Or andy.

(Scoffs) travis?

Lester, think.

When you hear "heart operation,"

What's the first thing
that pops into your mind?

Shogun.

- Shogun?
- Dr. Kildare was in it.

Well, carlson and travis
are gonna think immediately

That their gung-ho
hardball salesman

Can only handle
slow pitch. No, thanks.

Am I going to have
to get the manager?

Les, just enjoy the movie, okay?

Later we'll get a little
pizza and go bowling.

Crazy fun can go on forever.

- I can't see anything.
- I'm not sure I want
to see anything.

I think I've seen enough. Bailey,
let's get out of here, okay?

Oh, john, would you
stop it? I am not a child.

If you haven't noticed,
I'm a full-grown woman.

Yeah, and these
guys know it too.

I had to call them, herb.
Please don't be mad at me.

- You little fink.
- Les, is he all right?

Are you in pain, herb?
Are you all right?

Look, I'm just trying to
live my life to the fullest

In the best way I know how.

Well, so am i, so
would you shut up?

Down?

Can you move over one?

Bailey... You guys, why don't we

Take bailey on out of here, play a
couple more rounds of poker, huh?

Because we're here
to save herb's life.

Uh, bailey, don't put
those glasses on.

Don't be so... Oh, my goodness!

Les nessman?

- Johnny, is that you?
- Yeah.

Do you have any idea what
kind of a theater this is?

- Yes: very loud.
- Please sit down, mr. Carlson.

Excuse me. Oh, geez.

Herb, what is this about you
and your heart and atomic waste?

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Look, big guy, there's
nothing more you can say

- That hasn't already
been said by this man.
- (Film audio winds down)

Well, oh, boy. Here we go again.

You don't suppose they're
gonna fingerprint us, do you?

"Bailey quarters, summa
cum laude, ohio state,

Sex pervert."

I'd like to mention that
all this is les's fault.

Mine?

Why didn't you just mind your
own business and go to omaha?

Omaha.

Omaha seems like
a dream to me now.

Thank you, mel.

And I thought I was having
an interesting evening.

Oh, I'm sorry, jennifer. I
didn't know who else to call.

- Boy, you sure made
the right choice.
- Easy, friend.

Les, I thought we were
gonna go visit herb together.

It doesn't really
matter, jennifer.

I missed my flight to omaha,
and herb's gonna drop over dead.

Don't try to scare me, nessman.

All they want to
do is test my heart.

What, to see if you have one?

Why don't you people
just leave me alone?

Because, herb, it's a natural impulse
to throw a rope to a drowning man,

Even if he doesn't have
enough sense to grab it.

Yeah, herb, why don't
you have the heart test.

Don't be a jackass.

Look, I appreciate
it, all right?

And I thank each of you
for all your troubles.

But this is my life and my
risk. I'll take the chance.

I'm a gambling man.

You're a gambling man, herb?

Okay. Let's gamble.

How about we cut the deck?

What?

If you win, you get

The 200 bucks I made
off of these guys.

And if I win,

- You take those tests.
- (Scoffs) you're nuts.

Oh, herb, this is good.

And I'll kick in an extra
two weeks of vacation.

And you might as well have
my plane ticket to omaha.

So, how macho

Is the man in the
earl scheib suit?

Five bucks says he will.

Twenty bucks says he will.

No. I'm just not
gonna do it. No.

Maybe I can sweeten
the pot a little.

Herb, if bailey
draws the high card,

You take the tests.

If you draw the high
card, you and I will have

An evening on this town
you will never forget.

- Evening?
- Mm-hmm.

And that's all I'm saying.

You cut first, bailey.

Oh, I don't know.

What's the matter,
quarters? Whipped?

Give me the deck.

Come on, bailey. I'm
really counting on you.

Oh. I'm sorry. It's a 4.

Oh, dear.

My turn, I believe.

(Snaps fingers)

Well?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Can't
even b*at a lousy 4.

It's the kind of
luck I seem to have.

Um, herb, can I see that card?

No.

Well, herbert,

I believe you have
some tests waiting.

All right.

Come on, herb,
I'll bail you out.

Mel? Mel?

Thanks... Les, buddy.

(Scattered cheers)

W-w-what about the rest of us?

Mel? Mel?

- Mel?
- Mel?

(Man singing rock, indistinct)

(Meows)