03x02 - Brooke Drives an Armpit Across America

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, can't believe "Night
Nurse" has been out a week.

As we continue to celebrate,

let's not forget the amazing crew,

who I think might literally be wizards?

Happy National Nurses Day!

Playing Nurse Louis was
the honor of my life,

and I'm so thankful to the writers

for trusting me with him.

With wild, complicated,

always-there-when-you-need-him Lou...

OK, to everyone asking
about a Nurse Louis spin-off:

LOL, thank you!

But I'm pretty sure
this was just a one-off,

and I wouldn't want to ruin
the artistic vision of...

Just took BuzzFeed's "Which
'Night Nurse' nurse are you?"

and got @beaniefeldstein. LOL.

If you take it, tag me,

and I'll post it to my...

Sorry for the serious post,

but our line producer's mother's

friend's dog is not doing well,

so let's share some love on his Insta.

"Night Nurse" Hive, ri...

"Night Nurse" Hive?

Ugh.

My dear God, dude.

♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

Also in the summer schedule,

"Drape Disasters with Maria Menounos."

She goes into homes where the
drapes are just a disaster.

- Uh-huh.
- New episodes would air

at : , : , : , : ,

: , : ,

: , not : , and : .

- Sounds great. Approved!
- Great.

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- We're so glad you like it.

We love Maria, and we love drapes.

OK, moving on, we also have a show

with a woman named Alyssa Schechter.

She has eight kids,
and she is so, so nice.

And what's that one called?

It's called "Alyssa Schechter:

She Has Eight Kids and
She is So, So Nice."

Yes! That way, people
know exactly what it is.

- Approved.
- Great.

Brookie, we have a lot
of good programming.

Yes, I am proud to be a part
of all these vital shows.

- What work we do.
- Well, thanks, Pat.

Don't want to take up
any more of your time.

You've already been here seven minutes.

So let's clear the elevator
and pull her car around.

Great work, everybody.

- Bye, Mom.
- Oh, hold on.

Brookie, I am happy to stay longer

if people need anything else from me.

Oh, no, we just need you
once a month for approvals.

We set it up this way
on purpose, remember?

The talk show was k*lling you.

So go home.

Bowl in your bowling alley.

Make guacamole on your guacamole floor.

Well, I've already done all that.

Then hang in the city.

- Take a stroll in Central Park.
- Oh.

You want to take a
stroll in Central Park?

Yeah, sure. That could be fun.

OK, then let's head back to your house

and get started on all
the safety protocols

- to make that happen.
- Uh, protocol...

Walter, we're on our way to home base.

Crap, we forgot one.

Can you ask your mom if she likes

"Junk Drawer Rehab
with David Archuleta"?

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Uh... [SIGHS]

- Hello?
- Brooke, where are you?

I need you to come do
something important.

[SIGHS] Really? You
promise it's important?

Yes, I need you to help close

an $ million deal for Chase.

So pack your bag.

You're headed to Los Angeles.

Yes!

We... were talking.

Cary, hey, want to
come watch "Drag Race"?

Me and some friends are gonna order food

and talk over the whole g*dd*mn thing.

Ugh, I don't think I can today.

Boo! You were gone for so long

and then had "Night
Nurse" stuff last week.

- We need a dumb hang.
- I know. I just...

I do still have "Night
Nurse" stuff this week, so...

Whoa, really?

Well, if you're free this Saturday,

we're bingeing "Australian Survivor,"

and there's this guy on it

with the hugest nipples you'll ever see.

- Ew.
- No, no, no.

- They work, and we love them.
- OK.

All right, I-I gotta run. Bye.

- Oh, all right, bye...
- [LINE BEEPS]

- Position one.
- OK, thought that was one.

- All right, position two.
- Two? You want to see two?

What in the absolute
hell is going on here?

Oh, hey, Cary.

No, I'm just standing
in for Chase, you know,

while they get his pit nice and ready.

- I'm sorry, his what?
- Yeah.

Now that he's ,

he's doing his first-ever photo

where he gets to show off
his full adult man's armpit.

[LAUGHS] I mean, I don't
know if you've noticed,

but up until now, Chase has always had

to wear shirts to cover his pit

'cause it was a child's pit, Cary.

But now that he's an adult,

we can get that big,
beautiful thing out there.

And I'm not talking
about part of the pit.

I'm talking about the whole pit,

tip to taint.

OK, this is disgusting.

What? No.

Cary, this is one of the most beautiful
moments in a male singer's life.

I mean, surely you remember
the first time you saw JT's pit.

- OK, I do, actually. Yes.
- Exactly.

And now "Rolling Stone" is
gonna pay Chase $ million

for exclusive rights to his pit.

- They are?
- Yes!

And "GQ" is pissed.

I mean, they wanted it bad.

And I don't blame them.

It's quite a pit.

[SIGHS] Have you seen it?

- I'm good.
- Go check it out.

- Ugh.
- Take a peek at the pit

before we start charging admission.

[LAUGHS]

Chase.

- Hey, Cary.
- Comb.

I'd give you a hug, but I don't
want to mush up my pit hair.

Do not hug him.

I've been here since : .

- His pit was a disaster.
- Well,

- Comb!
- ... what I see now looks like, uh, $ million.

- And you're OK with this?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm just excited for people
to start seeing me as an adult.

- How's my pit looking?
- Shuli!

Yes, just the girl I came to see.

Oh, no, it's the old one.

I have been looking for a publicist

to keep making the
most of "Night Nurse."

But I've called everyone in town

and no one said yes,
so I thought maybe, um,

you'd want the gig?

Cary, no offense,

but I only do big-league stuff,

- like this.
- f*ck!

We're blow-drying it too much.

The pit is starting to flake!

But since you came all the way here,

I have someone I do
think could help you.

- I'll text her info.
- Oh, my God.

Shuli, thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, and hey, um, Brooke
has a license, right?

- Yeah, why?
- Well, "Rolling Stone"

is terrified this pit pic is gonna leak,

so they don't want
us to email it to them

or upload it to the internet in any way,

so I'm gonna have Brooke

drive it across the
country on a thumb drive

and hand-deliver it to them in LA.

And she agreed to do this?

- Basically.
- Hey, Lance.*

Sorry I've been MIA.

I'm not upset anymore.

Work's just been crazy...

and fulfilling, yeah.

Shuli's actually
sending me to LA tonight

for a really, really important...

You want me to what?

Brooke, this is how all the
big artists transport their IP.

It's how Taylor delivers her music,

and now it'll be how
Chase delivers his art.

The photo has been secured in the back

of this discreet FreshDirect truck.

So there's just one photo of my
brother's pit in this whole truck?

No, there's $ million
in this whole truck.

And if anyone intercepts
it, it's your ass.

- [KEYS JINGLING]
- You know what?

I should go too, be an extra set of eyes

on the lookout for road thieves,

someone from "GQ" or
maybe "Men's Health."

- Ugh.
- Of course, you know,

we're gonna need new names.

OK, from now on,

you will be a trucker named Pam

and I will be Rusty Calhoun,

uh, your loyal road dog.

OK, I am not doing any of that.

Also, you're not coming.

Pam.

God.

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

At least Mom gets to spend the
day strolling in Central Park.

OK, so we got approval
from the Parks Department

to clear the park for an hour.

Now we're just waiting to hear back

from the mayor's office, but Diane

is running things there now,

so who knows how long that'll take?

'Cause... 'cause Diane's bad?

- Oh, Cary Dubek.
- Hey.

So I just gotta say,
I loved "Night Nurse,"

and I'm gonna get you the
best press I possibly can.

Whoa! That's great. OK, thank you.

Let me just make sure I
have all the details correct.

- You were the third lead, right?
- Yeah.

- And it's available on VOD?
- It is.

And it came out eight days ago?

- Mm-hmm.
- OK.

So I can secure you an exclusive feature

on TheBrooklynBurrito.com.

Oh, um...

I was hoping for more,
like, "Rolling Stone" or...

- Oh.
- Or something.

Well, TheBrooklynBurrito.com
is pretty much

the "Rolling Stone" of websites

about burrito spots in Brooklyn.

Uh, what... what would the press be?

Oh, it's so fun.

You would choose ten
burrito spots in Brooklyn.

You would get on Google Maps,

figure out how to get to all of them,

then you would buy a burrito at each.

Don't worry, you'd be reimbursed.

Just fill out a W- .

And then you would rank them on
a scale of one to five nurses.

You know, for "Night Nurse."

So you would write,
like, "Too much cheese,

two out of five nurses," or whatever.

That's just an example.

- You're the actor.
- Ah.

If you're interested,
they would love for you

to pop by their offices today to chat.

You just take the to the L

to the very, very last stop on the F.

And then the article would,
what, run on their website

with, like, a little picture of me?

That's exactly right.

You in?

I mean, all press is good press.

[GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

[ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

Hey, you're cute.

- Want to get coffee?
- Sorry.

I'm, like, slammed with press.

♪ ♪

Whoa, you're hot.

Would you want to go f*ck?

That is so kind of you,

but I have to take a series of trains

to TheBrooklynBurrito.com, and fast.

- [SIGHS]
- Hey.

Um, are you busy right now?

There's this carnival that
I thought we could go to

and then maybe lay in the grass
after and look at the stars,

perhaps even... fall in love?

Wow, that sounds comically lovely.

Ugh, wish I didn't
have to rank burritos.

But I do. Goodbye forever.

♪ ♪

- [BELL DINGING]
- Order up!

[SPUTTERS]

[PHONE BUZZES]

- God.
- [PHONE BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

Hey there.

What are you doing all the way out here

in the middle of nowhere?

Uh... "working"?

I'm a talent manager.

Oh, wow.

Uh, I'm impressed.

[SCOFFS] Don't be.

Right now, I'm driving a photo

of ChaseDreams' armpit across
the nation in a grocery truck.

Oh.

Well, that sounds... cool.

Uh, I only drive actual groceries.

But, uh, what you're doing
sounds kind of important,

which is... pretty sexy.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Uh... [CHUCKLES]

Can I maybe buy you a drink?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

- Why not?
- All right.

- Be right back.
- OK.

[GIGGLES]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES WICKEDLY]

♪ ♪

Yes.

[SCOFFS] Nice try, dude.

My job's important?

I knew right away you were full of sh*t.

Who do you work for, "GQ"?

Oh, yes, damn it!

Wait, really?

Like, you are from "GQ" and you
are trying to steal this pic?

I mean, it is Chase all grown up, right?

Like, you see his whole pit?

[SCOFFS] Tip to taint.

- Ooh!
- But unfortunately for you,

this beauty's going
straight to "Rolling Stone."

[LAUGHS] Or is it?

Because while we were
flirting, I stole your keys.

Ha! Yeah, sorry.

I've been doing this
a lot longer than you.

They're right... wait.

[LAUGHS]

And I've been doing it even long...

- oh, sh*t.
- [GASPS]

- [KEYS JINGLING]
- Damn it!

Jesus. Ha-ha!

Even longer.

And now if you'll excuse us,

we have an armpit to deliver.

After you, Pam.

Thank you...

Rusty Calhoun.

Hmph!

[CHUCKLES]

[ENGINE TURNING OVER]

Rats!

Hi. Cary Dubek.

Sorry it's so late.

Uh, lot of trains.

Um, I'm here to talk press
for TheBrooklynBurrito.com.

Oh, you came.

Yes.

Why is that weird...

Cary, welcome.

I'm Dr. Wiegland.

This is a mental health facility.

Am I not here to review burritos

on a scale of one to five nurses?

No, you are here because anyone

desperate enough to say
yes to that level of press

and then actually show up
to do it is deeply unwell.

So the publicist Shuli
said could help me

sent me to a brain doctor?

If you sign this, you'll be voluntarily

admitting yourself for one year

while we help your brain heal.

And if you sign this,
it gives permission

for students at local universities

to study your brain,

for it is that broken.

- Mm.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

- Hello?
- Cary!

Rob from Owens & Berger PR.

Yeah, I'm sorry it took a sec,

but we would be thrilled
to work with you.

Whoa.

Really? Is... is that true?

Yes. "Night Nurse" was awesome.

We could start sending
you out on stuff tomorrow.

There's gonna be a lot
of demand for you, Cary.

Yes!

I knew it.

[FOLKSY ROCK MUSIC]

- Huh?
- [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Whoa, is that a hitchhiker?

I didn't think people still did that.

They don't.

Nice try, "GQ"!

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

Hey, Brooke, look.

Ah! [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Whoa, there is a pregnant woman

on the side of the road,
and her car is on fire.

Streeter, we have to stop!

Oh, Brooke, you sweet child.

You're gonna have to try
harder than that, "GQ"!

[LAUGHS]

This is so insane.

♪ ♪

Wait, wait. One more.

Oh!

[BOTH YELL]

[LAUGHTER]

[SIREN WAILING]

Oop, Brooke, I think
we're getting pulled over.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right, we are.

This is your fakest one yet, "GQ"!

- [ENGINE REVS]
- [CACKLES]

[SIGHS] OK, so these
ones were just cops.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yay! Oh, my God, you made it.

Oh! Come in.

Cary, this is Nico, Rich,
JP, Theo, Tyler, and Paul.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.

How do you all, uh, know each other?

Oh, um, well, Theo and I met
on Grindr a couple years ago,

but he wasn't into it.

And Rich and I met on Grindr last month,

and I wasn't into it.

Then JP and I met yesterday on Grindr,

and neither of us were into it.

And Tyler is my barista.

- Oh.
- Oh, wait, yeah.

You remember Tyler, Nico, and Paul.

They were at your,
um, terrible VOD party.

Oh, yeah. Of course, hi.

Hey.

I can't believe you
all watch "Survivor."

I thought it was violently straight.

What?

Have you ever met a gay person?

Uh, yeah...

Cary, get in here so I can
make you a piece-of-sh*t drink.

Oh, sorry.

So tell me about this publicist.

Oh, my God, he's got me

so many things 'cause of "Night Nurse."

- It's crazy.
- OK, and we're sure

he's not also a mental
health provider in disguise?

No, no, no, no. It's... it's all real.

I already sh*t it all.

Like, he got me this
feature in "Rolling Stone."

It's gonna be Chase's issue, I think.

It's a spread called
"The Next James Dean."

Yeah, I sh*t all these pics

re-creating James Dean's iconic looks.

And I'm in the new Calvin
Klein underwear campaign.

- What?
- I know!

- Holy sh*t!
- Yeah, no.

I'm not, like, the star or anything.

It's just a bunch of young actors,

like Hollywood's next
gen, all in our Calvins.

Yeah, I sh*t my stuff alone,
and then they're gonna put in,

like, Jacob Elordi and
Sadie Sink and other people.

I think it's gonna be really cool.

Um, yeah, I think it will! Jesus!

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Oh, this is my publicist calling right now.

- My God.
- Hello.

Cary, everything looks so good.

- OK.
- We just need you to DocuSign

releases for everything,
and we'll be all set.

OK. Yeah, no, I can...

I can actually do that
right now while I have you.

And sent.

[DISTORTED VOICE] We have
received the final document.

Bring us $ , , or we
will release the press.

Rob?

You have until midnight tonight.

Tick tock, Dubek.

[COUGHS]

Sorry, I gotta go.

I think I'm being...
blackmailed for $ , .

- Sorry, guys, gotta run.
- What?

I'm currently being blackmailed.

- Nice to see you again.
- OK, girl.

Bye.

What happened?

So I'm sure you understand
why we brought you in.

Mm-hmm.

First we tried to pull you over,

- and you sped away.
- Yes.

Very bad decision, sir.

Then you gave us fake IDs that said, uh,

Pam and Rusty Calhoun on them.

What? That's so suspicious.

And when we asked to
see inside your truck,

you screamed no and swallowed the key.

Huge red flag. I'd arrest us.

We have no choice but to detain you

as we try to cut open your vehicle.

Anything you need, Officer.

Right, Brooke?

I don't know.

I still think this is "GQ."

What? No. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

She's ki... she's ki...
she's kidding, Officer.

I mean, they look like cops.

They certainly... [SNIFFING]

Smell like cops.

But something tells
me they're nothing more

than a couple of "GQ" fags.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not use that language.

Aha! That was a test.

If you were cops, you'd love that word.

Look, Officers, I... I promise you,

there's nothing weird in our truck.

Just one pic of a teen's armpit,

nice and normal.

We're driving across country for work.

Sorry, uh, how is that your job?

Oh, that's good.

They're good, yeah!

[MOCKINGLY] Oh, how is that your job?

It's so embarrassing.

Welp, heard it all before, boys...

in my dreams.

OK, we don't have time for this.

We'll be back once
we get the truck open.

In the meantime, we will be charging you

with evading arrest, which
is a category D felony.

N-no, uh... sorry, wait...

Someone will be here shortly
to bring you to your cell.

Sorry, ma'am.

We really are cops.

[DOOR CREAKING]

Anyone here?

Uh, hello?

Rob?

Uh, just had a few questions
about our last call.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

[DISTORTED VOICE] Where is the money?

We are not messing around, Dubek.

Sorry, I just... I don't understand.

I, uh... I want this
press to be released.

I mean, "Rolling Stone" called me

the next James Dean...

- right?
- Dubek, you fool.

You were the third lead in a VOD film.

"Rolling Stone" doesn't
know sh*t about this.

But the whole world
will know you thought

you got this if you do not pay.

Oh, my God.

They'll also know about this!

Wait, this wasn't real either?

Am I not part of Hollywood's next gen?

[LAUGHS]

You're / , Dubek.

Now, bring us our money, or else.

Oh, Jesus.

Should I see a brain doctor?

Uh, please don't release the press.

I... I'll get you the money, I promise.

f*ck!

[FINGERS TAPPING]

- [SHARP BANG]
- Huh?

Oh, um...

uh, sorry.

If we are being held,

don't we get a phone call?

I just want to let my mom
or brother know where I am.

You have two minutes.

I'll be right outside.

OK, thank you.

OK.

- sh*t.
- What?

I don't know their numbers.

The only person's I know is...

[SIGHS] f*ck!

Ugh, I can't believe I'm
now calling my nurse fiancé

at his hospital to
tell him I got arrested

while driving my brother's
armpit across the country.

It does sound bad all
strung out like that.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

B?

Hell yeah. I miss you, baby.

Yeah. Yeah, I... I miss you too.

What's going on?

How's that big job Shuli gave you?

Yo, hey, make sure you up her morphine

until she's comfortable,
and then you gotta dab after.

She loves the dab.

Uh...

never mind.

Yeah, I had a question,
but I figured it out, so...

I actually gotta go.
I'm really busy here.

OK, well, come home
soon. I want to see you.

And have fun at "GQ."

- Wait, what?
- Have fun at "GQ."

When you called me just now,
it came up as "GQ" on my phone.

[GARBLED, DISTORTED SPEECH]

B?

Nice try, "GQ"!

Yeah, suck it, "GQ"!

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- B?

Rats!

Oh, God.

[KNOCKING] Hey, Mom.

Cary!

Oh, yay!

What a nice surprise.

- How, uh, are you?
- I'm good.

On Tuesday, I decided to go
for a stroll in Central Park.

That's nice. Uh, how was it?

Oh, I haven't gotten to go yet.

Sorry, ma'am, Melissa's
at the mayor's office now

and wants to know if you want
to stroll over the bridge.

Oh, sure. That could be fun.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Or I don't need to, if that would help.

OK, she's fine without the bridge.

Sorry, just in a little
bit of a time crunch here.

Uh, so I sh*t some
press for "Night Nurse,"

um, that was actually... kompromat,

and now I'm being blackmailed
for $ , , so...

Oh, well, I can give you , .

Oh, really?

- Are... are you sure?
- Well, yes.

If you're in trouble, I want to help.

- [SIGHS]
- Though I will need a favor.

Come here for a sec.

- Sit down.
- What's wrong?

[SIGHS] If I give you this,

you can never, ever post
about "Night Nurse" again.

- Wait, what?
- I love you so much, Cary.

But your Instagram presence is not good.

What?

Mom, half your Twitter feed
is accidental texts to people.

Plus, I need to post sometimes.

Like, what about on the
one-month anniversary of...

No, you won't be able to post then.

Well, what about on Edie Falco's...

No birthday posts either.

If I give you this, you need to stop.

"Night Nurse" was so good.

I loved it.

But it's over!

You need to move on.

See friends, go on dates, I don't care.

Do anything else!

- Good news, ma'am.
- Yeah?

We got approval from the mayor's office.

Oh, yay!

Now we're just waiting on JFK

to clear the airspace above the park

so you're not att*cked
from above on the stroll.

Oh. Yes.

We wouldn't want that.

- No, ma'am.
- [SIGHS]

OK. All right.

I... I promise I won't post anymore.

Then I'll have the money wired.

Now, go.

There's a whole big world out there.

Go live in it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mom.

- I love you.
- I love you.

[SIGHS] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

Oh, yes! I knew those weren't cops.

Suck my d*ck, "GQ"!

Hell yeah! Go off, sister.

I wouldn't have even
known they weren't cops

- if it wasn't for you.
- Aw.

I think you might be one
of the smartest people

I have ever met?

I've been waiting for this day.

Also, this picture is important.

- It's making Chase happy.
- Yeah.

Plus, it's gonna be huge for his fans.

I mean, I remember the
first time I saw JT's pit.

I came so hard to that baby for months.

Wait, are we just shuttling
p*rn across the country?

You know what? No.
I'm not taking that on.

- It's not p*rn. It's culture.
- Right.

We are shuttling culture
across the country.

Peters and Dubek, baby!

- [LAUGHS]
- Whoo!

- Dream team!
- Dream team!

OK.

[SIGHS]

What?

I guess...

You came.

Or...

you sort of just missed it.

Oh, hi.

Uh, you mean the carnival?

Wasn't that a couple of days ago?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I...

I come here a lot.

It's sort of my favorite
place in this whole town.

Uh...

Cotton candy?

Got an extra one.

Uh, sorry, am I dreaming this?

[LAUGHTER]

I feel like you just arrived in my life

at the exact right moment.

Or sorry, that's an incredibly stupid

thing to say out loud.

Hey, no.

You're not stupid.

Thank you.

I just... I've been very obsessed

with this movie I was in recently.

Apparently I haven't stopped
talking about it for weeks.

Guess I was being
sort of crazy about it.

Like, I didn't think so, but...

You know, there's this place I go to

whenever this town's
making me feel crazy.

Would you... want to see it?

OK, come on.

[LINE BEEPS]

Hey, it's me.

Uh, sorry about the phone tag,

but it looks like I'll
be coming home tomorrow.

I actually... I can't wait
to tell you about my day.

I did something that's maybe stupid

but also actually kind of big?

[DOOR BEEPS]

Oh, I gotta go. OK. I love you.

Bye.

[LAUGHTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- OK? OK.
- Great.

Gavin, "Rolling Stone."

- Hi.
- Thanks for making the trip.

I'm sure all the precautions
felt kind of dumb.

Oh, no, not at all.

I never thought about its dumbness once.

Anyway, here you go.

Here is one teen's pit.

Great. Let's take a look.

[CHUCKLES] He's gonna take a look.

[LAUGHING]

- [SIGHS]
- OK.

Yep, you had one of the decoys.

Uh, one of the what?

One of the decoy pits.
Principle Records knew

so many people would be after this,

they sent out six different trucks,

five with decoys.

So you two were transporting this.

Wait, that's not Chase?

That looks exactly like Chase.

Holy f*cking sh*t!

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. This pool is always unlocked.

So anytime I'm feeling
stressed or crazy,

I come here and just
take off my clothes,

cannonball in, sink to the bottom,

and let it out.

Let it... let it out?

Whatever's bothering me.

Do you want to try?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- Come on.
- I... I don't...

- [SIGHS]
- Cannonball!

Whoo!

[SIGHS]

[WEAKLY] Cannonball.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[Stefan Melbourne and Darius Behdad's]

["WE NO LONGER CONCEAL"]

♪ ♪

♪ Here where we align in a row ♪

♪ A vision enough to be ♪

♪ A binding of wounds ♪

♪ We no longer conceal ♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

Do you think maybe we'll be
in each other's lives forever?

Oh. Um, maybe, yeah.

I... I mean, I...

I do think this was one of
the best nights of my life.

I... I guess my mom was right.

I do need to be in the moment, you know?

Enjoy my life.

I like you...

Cary Dubek.

Oh.

I, uh... I like you too,

Nicholas I-don't-
know-your-last-name-yet.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this whole time,

we didn't even have the right pit?

[LAUGHS] I know.

Shuli really got us.

This whole trip was just... nothing.

Yup. I mean, like, when I
stole the keys from that guy?

For nothing!

And you with the cops?

That was also for nothing.

Oh, you are such a nasty
little minx, Shuli Kucerac!

- Streeter, stop!
- [CHUCKLES]

Jesus!

I mean, we just spent a whole week

of our one life doing nothing.

And I mean, who am I kidding?

Even if it had been his
pit, it's still nothing.

I just... I feel so f*cking stupid

that I thought that
this was anything other

than a waste of five days.

He... yeah, but hey, we had a time!

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Oh, great.

Now Nurse Fantastic is calling me back.

I mean, what the f*ck
am I doing with my life?

- I think...
- What we both do is nothing.

What we do is f*cking nothing!

[LOCK CLICKING]

Yeah, yeah, his name's Nicholas,

and we met outside of this carnival.

And we just, like, talked
and ate cotton candy,

and then we broke into
a pool and went swimming.

Oh, my God, this sounds like a movie.

I know, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- What?
- Cary, tell me.

When he walked you home,

did you both run the whole way

while holding sparklers in your hands?

Well, now I don't want
to answer, but yes.

Yeah, it was... it was freeing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No, Nico also went out for this part.

What? What... what part?

It's another one of those
"Love, Victor" spin-offs

called, like, "Love, Nicholas."

It's about a gay teen who
falls in love with another boy

and is afraid his
parents are gonna be mad,

but then they throw him a parade.

The sides were psycho,
but every gay alive

went out for it while
you were in Croatia.

Oh, my God.

Yes, and the actor who got it sucks.

His name is Lucas Lambert Moy,
and anytime he books a role...

which is constantly...

he stays in character the whole sh**t.

It's his method.

So you're saying I learned life lessons

from a fake gay teen all night?

Yes, bitch! [LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

I thought we were actually hanging out.

I told him how embarrassed I was

that I've been obsessing
over "Night Nurse."

Oh, well, I mean, I could
maybe see that, yeah.

I told him I was glad to
be in the moment with him.

But he wasn't in the moment.

He was... working?

Oh. I'm sorry, friend.

How do you feel?

So... unproductive.

Wait, what is this takeaway?

I need another f*cking role.

Now.

[SIGHS]

[PROLONGED FLATULENCE]

Honey, I'm home!

Pat?

[SIGHS]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[PROLONGED FLATULENCE]

B, is that you?

- Hey.
- Hell yeah, baby.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

Sorry I was gone so long.

I...

[SIGHS]

- How was work?
- Very good.

That baby we thought d*ed survived.

We brought it back.

It was the loveliest
thing I ever did see.

That's good.

Oh, you left me a voicemail!

You said you did something stupid

but kind of big last night?

Uh, yeah.

I quit my job.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

Pat?

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT ROCKABILLY MUSIC]

♪ ♪