02x17 - Totally Clueless

[bunniefuu]

[up-tempo music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

[up-tempo music]

[Liz] Strange, every time I'm in this house

I feel like I'm again.

Don't, worry Mark, I'll be able

to cover the environmental conference,

just as soon as my sister and I wrap up this house business.

-Okay, bye. -[door opens]

Sandra, I know.

-Tell her we can discuss -[Liz] Jess, hey!

Whatever she wants on the show.

[Liz] I'm glad you're here.

The sky's the limit.

From fashion to fashion tips, or anything in between.

[Liz] Jess, hello?

Can you hold on a second? I have another call.

Hello?

Jess?

It's me, Liz.

We never get to see each other

and, I just wanted to say hi.

Cassandra, I'll call you back.

You know, I'm not the only one's who's too busy

to get together.

[laugh together]

Ms. Pulitzer prize winner.

I know, it takes selling the family house

to get us together.

It's about time mom and dad retired,

but they'll be really happy in Palm Desert.

Yeah.

What are we going to do with all our old stuff?

I don't even know where to begin.

Who cares, it's just stuff,

and it's old.

Did you know the way Winston felt about you?

Everyone knew.

Especially after he hired that sky writer.

Oh right, he misspelled crush.

Everyone at school kept coming up to me and saying,

did you know Winston had a crush on you?

What about Winston?

He's a good dancer.

Are you kidding?

He can barely chew his food.

Wait till she sees the nimble knees

and smooth shimmying of Mr. Eg Jangles.

Whoa!

Tatyana, wait!

[rock music]

You all right?

Ah!

[all screaming]

[rock music]

Whoa!

Jessica, you saved my life.

Get off me.

You'd have to get a life before I could save it.

I have no life, hold me.

[phone rings]

Talk to me.

Yes, I heard.

She was going to give me an exclusive.

You're not going to get away with this Lila.

Lila?

Countess Lila Fowler de France.

She stole one of my guests for her show.

Gabbing About Gossip almost b*at me

in the ratings last month.

I can't believe you two are still rivals.

Rivals?

We were the best of friends.

We did everything together.

We were never rivals.

Did you say dance?

You're looking at the captain

of the Sweet Valley High cheerlead lead squad.

If anyone knows how to move, it's me.

You can't have my part.

If she wasn't my best friend, I'd hate her guts.

Jessica, I'm your best friend,

I would never reveal any of your secrets.

I mean, I never told anyone

about the time Jay Robertson stood you up, did I?

Sorry.

And, Lila, is that cellulite?

By the time I finish memorizing this list,

I'm gonna be known as Jessica Einstern.

That's Einsteen, dummy.

Well, I'm going to be late for my weekly shiatsu, ciao!

Hands off the Armani!

Wake up and smell the cappuccino.

[indistinct] ...Adonis at :.

I am so glad that I don't have to work for a living.

Look at the way that he works that shirt.

I could do my wash on his stomach...

if I did my own wash.

I believe it's called a coupon.

Cu, cu-pon?

Coo-pon.

Oh, coupon.

Like in gray poupon.

Jessica!

Nice hair there, Lila, what did you use?

Fluffer nutter?

[screams]

My dress is ruined.

So is my sweater.

It's terrible.

Unforgivable.

Nauseating.

Hideous.

Pushy.

Rude.

Mean to Winston.

[Together] We love it!

Glad Bruce didn't ask for his keys back

from when I worked here.

Yeah, now instead of breaking and entering,

we're just entering.

Lila, you should have told me.

I tried, but all you cared about

was which outfit of mine you were gonna borrow.

Nobody cares what happens to me.

How bad could it be?

I'm the one that got grounded

and had all my credit cards taken away.

[Jess] We sure got ourselves

into some crazy situations.

Yeah, you guys made quite a team.

I dropped in to see Enid on the way over.

Who?

Oh, right, Enid.

He made me feel tingly all over.

I thought we really had something.

Then, I didn't hear from him for another six months.

Enid, he's your dentist.

Reminds me of when I used to go camping as a kid.

You used to camp in the desert?

No, in my kitchen.

We had ants!

My aunt Jezebel is coming, she always buys me presents.

I guess she still feels guilty

for putting my hamster in the rinse cycle.

Well, I wanted to do a really thorough job

so I tried everything on the menu.

I don't recommend the crab chimichangas,

or the German chocolate cake.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Time for charades!

[girls chattering]

Oh, wow, that's amazing.

I mean, it's going to be amazing, when you're finished.

It's a color test.

I knew that.

He wasn't right for you anyway.

Could I have his number?

We reached out and touched each other.

What are you doing?

I thought we-

Who did you think I was?

Oh, Enid.

No, I was talking about Liz.

What am I, an idiot?

You don't think I'm terminally single?

Not a chance.

Believe me, you'll find someone

when you least expect it.

Maybe he doesn't like me.

You know, it's hard to think

of Enid without thinking of Danny.

Manny.

Whatever.

-Water balloons. -Check.

-Silly string. -Check.

Breath mints.

Check.

Double strength.

[All] Ooh.

♪ Now I'm walking ♪

♪ And she don't even care ♪

♪ Don't you know it baby ♪

Pacific freestyle, two weeks.

Your bell bottoms or mine?

Oh.

[Jess] Ew, he was like a lovesick puppy.

[Liz] Yep, Enid's always been Manny's dream girl.

I've been looking for you all night good-looking.

[gulps]

Gilligan?

[laughter]

Because of that movie, I know one thing,

fly fishing is sexy.

Now she likes fly fishing?

Ah!

Manny?

[dance music]

I'm happy you and Todd ended up together too.

Although, for the life of me,

I still don't know what you see in him.

What are you talking about?

Todd is the sweetest guy on Earth.

I'm gonna k*ll that guy.

I'm gonna k*ll those guys.

I'm gonna k*ll that guy.

I'm gonna k*ll those guys.

I guess we did have our share of ups and downs.

I chased you for years.

I thought we'd go as Romeo and Juliet.

There's no way you're getting me in a pair of tights.

Maybe this year I want to dance with Coeachi.

Well, maybe I wanna dance with someone else.

Fine, ask whoever you want.

I would, except I hate dancing.

I'm not enjoying this, you know.

I'm doing it for you.

Don't peek.

You ready?

It's beautiful.

Todston, you're as yellow as that rubber ducky

you've got hidden under those bubbles.

I asked for a loofah, dang am I yella.

Todd and I still love each other.

Nothings gonna change.

Todd?

How could you?

I flew all the way out here

to make a fool of myself.

Not even a limp, amazing.

Todd, wait!

You're purposely trying to ruin my date.

Don't flatter yourself.

It was Amber's idea to come here,

she's a pro bowler.

How many pins do you have to knock over

to get a homerun?

My world without you had been dark and cold,

but now you with you in my life I can finally feel the sun.

Go out with me Saturday night.

I promise you won't be sorry.

You've got to be kidding.

Do I get the late shift or the early shift?

Go find some other charity case

because we're through!

Now he's back, but something's changed.

It's over.

I don't even know who she is anymore.

This is the first flower Todd ever gave me.

You're impossible!

I can't believe I'm in love with some...

I mean...

I can't believe I was in love with you.

This weekend belongs to Liz.

Remember this?

[laughter]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[Voiceover Jess] Never a dull moment at Sweet Valley.

[up-tempo music]

[Voiceover Liz] Yeah, and the g*ng always stuck together.

Is there another number for ?

This one's busy.

Can't do it, hot potato.

Oh.

-My. -God.

Hi, everybody.

-Hubba. -Hubba.

Buba.

I'm not Liz, I'm Jessica, you idiots.

[laughter]

I remember the look on your face

when they threw you in the pool.

You were so shocked.

And I remember I was wearing your top.

It shrunk into a half shirt.

You still wore it.

I still wear it.

[laughter]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

It's the real estate agent calling to confirm.

She'll be here tomorrow morning to sign the papers.

Liz, I need you to pose as me for minutes.

I'll explain the details later.

Jess.

[Voiceover Liz] What are you up to now?

I can't wait to do something bad.

[screams]

[yells]

I'm telling you, you don't need my library pass.

I don't ever read anything.

Jessica Wakefield.

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna be on TV.

What's the most important thing about being on TV?

Well, looking cute, of course.

And I just hope that America can find it in their hearts

to forgive this poor,

stunningly attractive young girl.

[laughter]

Loco Jessie, at you're service.

Blond, platinum blond.

[speaking Spanish]

♪ Bruce sells the burgers that'll make you sick ♪

♪ And serves them on dishes that are slimy and slick ♪

♪ Chicken! ♪

♪ Get your special chicken ♪

♪ Bak bak good ♪

I'm the most popular girl in school.

My jeep!

My dress!

[screams]

I love being me.

[Jessica] Look at all this junk.

How could I have ever loved platform shoes?

Oh, look what I found.

Brad-a-sheen ruby!

We haven't been able to get this color since high school.

I found a couple of Todd's love letters.

Ew.

-Ew. -Ew.

You're not the only one with fan mail.

I found a few love letters too.

[Liz] What did I do with it?

It's gotta be here somewhere.

What are you looking for?

I can't find my old diary.

It's under your mattress...

I think.

Look at the two of us together.

Aw, we're like cute and cuter.

[laugh together]

Cool.

Not this year, sis.

There's nothing I can't handle.

[sighs]

Must be nice to be you.

Not ready to date?

That's like, not being ready to breath.

Ever since the accident

you've been strutting your stuff around here

like you're God's gift to Sweet Valley.

What's the matter?

Can't handle the competition?

I'm forming my own cheerleading squad

and we need one more girl, you.

You have been doing too many back flips.

Where are you going?

[sighs]

Where are any of us going?

I think it was Camus who put it best

when he said, do you know where you're going it?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Jess, I think that was Diana Ross.

And if you ever tell anyone I said that,

I'm gonna put itching powder on your bra.

Leave me alone!

Jess!

You're more than just a sister to me,

you're a part of me.

I didn't do it, Liz, you've gotta believe me.

Why should I?

Because I'm your sister,

and I need you.

This could be the most important night of my life.

Jess, don't you think you're taking this--

Too seriously?

Liz, I think he's gonna ask me to marry him.

Oh, my little sister's all grown up.

Jess, I was born four minutes before you.

You know I wouldn't do anything like this.

Well, actually I would.

But, I wouldn't do it to you.

Okay, maybe I've done it to you before.

But I didn't enjoy it...

That much.

Thank you, Saint Liz.

I'm serious, Jess, stay off my ward.

Remember, Jess, tilt your head to the left.

We both have the same good side.

He really is a prince, isn't he?

Yeah, after dating royalty, how will I ever go back

to common men?

Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way.

As long as we're together,

we'll make this the best year ever.

When did I start sounding like a Hallmark card?

[laugh together]

I'm gonna miss this house.

Me too.

I didn't think I would.

This place would make a great summer house.

Are you saying we should buy it from Mom and Dad?

Why not?

We always have so much fun when we get together.

It's even more special when we do it here.

So?

What do you say?

[Liz Voiceover] You know, suddenly I feel

a whole lot better.

Sweet Valley just wouldn't be the same without us.

[paper ripping]

Great minds think alike.

Jess.

Liz.

I had the weirdest dream.

Me too.

It was a nightmare.

They stopped making Ravishing Ruby.

Will you promise me something?

What?

No matter how busy our lives get,

let's make sure we always make time for each other.

I don't ever want us to drift apart.

We won't, I promise.

[up-tempo music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪♪