02x18 - Win Sam, Lose Sam

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat melodic music]

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

[funky upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

Hello, everyone, I'm Foxie Jones.

Hey, do you wanna go roller blading?

Shh, I'm watching the Foxie Jones Show.

Today we'll be speaking to a lady,

who weighs pounds.

How can you watch that stuff?

Look, she's interviewing a woman, who weighs pounds!

It's obviously shameless exploitation for ratings.

She's a bikini model too?

Ew!

I give up.

For your information, Foxie Jones is a serious journalist

with an extensive background in psychology.

She provides an open forum

for people to solve their problems maturely.

[Woman] You're ruining my life!

That's right, lady, punch him in the nose,

that'll teach him for cheating on you with your mother.

Do you think maybe you can take a break from TV

long enough to help me plan the charity carwash?

Poor, sweet, ignorant Liz, I'd love to help,

but carwashes haven't been cool since the 's.

[Woman] Go find someone your own age.

Jess, I'm asking you a favor, sister to sister.

I appreciate that, so sister to sister, my answer is no!

[Foxie] And tomorrow we'll meet teen vampires.

No way, tomorrow she's interviewing teen vampires.

You're impossible.

[Foxie] We're also looking for twins,

so if you have a twin and you'd like to be on our show,

call ---,

-that's ---. -[phone ringing]

[background pop music]

If we leave right now,

we can catch the : Lady and the Tramp.

Haven't you seen it like times?

It's the director's cut.

Ciao, ciao and ciao!

Have any of you seen the dazed and confused young girl

wondering aimlessly about?

I'm right here.

Not you. Kendra Farnsworth.

Her Dad's the new VP at my father's company

and I promised him I'd show her around.

That's really nice of you.

It's the least I could do,

after all the poor girl doesn't know a soul.

And your father's giving you?

The most fabulous Capucci ensemble.

Sounds like a good deal.

Oh, believe you me, it is not just an outfit,

it is a religious experience

and frankly the girl's pretty loquisimo

to have me showing her around.

Oh, yoo hoo!

Kendra Farnsworth, I presume?

Oh, if it isn't, I'm carrying around

someone else's American Express card. [laughing]

Kendra, this is Enid, Cheryl and Elizabeth.

-[All] Hi. -Enchante. Enchante.

Charmed.

-Welcome to Sweet Valley. -Well, thank you,

and aren't you a precious thing?

I'd k*ll for those tiny pores.

Kendra, I have the most terrif day planned for us,

I thought we could start off at the Art Museum.

You guys should check out the new Aquarium.

[Both] Aquarium?

It's a big building filled with fish.

Ah, perfect, I've got such the yen

for a seared ahi tuna salad.

Oh, where does the time go?

Lila, do give me a rain check,

my Alpha's double parked

and I'm hideously late for my tint with Yoshi.

Ciao, bellas.

[Liz] Bye.

Does she remind you guys of somebody?

I don't know, but there is definitely

something about that girl I don't like.

Hi, guys!

Guess who's gonna be on the Foxie Jones Show tomorrow?

Like the Grandmas who do makeovers?

No, they were on last week.

I'll give you a hint,

one's the most popular girl in Sweet Valley,

and the other's good at math.

Congratulations.

Wait a minute, why do they want us?

I don't know, the producer just called,

it's something about twins.

The producer called you?

Look, we were on the phone together,

I don't remember how it happened.

Forget it, that show is so dumb, I'm gonna pass.

You can't, they need both of us.

Come on, you have to do it, it'll be a blast.

Being invited on the Foxie Jones Show

is like being invited to brunch at Buckingham Palace.

-Cheryl, you must-- -Sorry,

can't argue with them, I'm total Fox-aholic.

We can't turn them down,

I mean, we're gonna get a huge shopping spree

just for being on the show.

Look, if I do it, you have to work at the carwash.

Fine, but I'm only collecting money,

my hands don't get near water and I don't do windows.

It's a deal.

Girls, I've got the gossip of the year,

did you hear Kate Adler dumped John Cross for Greg McKnight?

Newsflash, Kate and John are back together

and Greg's sworn off women for a year.

Did you hear Molly Morse got a scholarship

to study in England for a month?

Oh, everybody knows England's just an excuse,

actually Molly's going to a clinic in Palm Springs

to have a nose job.

Molly already had a nose job.

Wow, you know everything.

Well, as the ancient Farnsworth family crest states,

talk is cheap, but cheap talk is priceless.

Oh, gossiping is such an ugly habit and that outfit.

Two minutes to air, Miss Wakefield.

If Jessica doesn't get here soon...

Don't worry, we're talking about your sister here,

she'd come out of a coma to be on TV.

Why'd she insist on taking a separate car?

She had some errands or something.

Oh, my God, Foxie.

You a twin?

Well, technically no, but people say I look like Punky--

Then get out of my face. Come with me.

I think we should wait just a minute,

-I'm sure-- -Sit down.

[audience applauding]

Rules of the show,

no talking while Foxie's talking

and if you get into a fight, it's fists only,

because our insurance doesn't cover people hit by chairs

and most importantly,

if you have to cry, do it on the air,

I don't want you wasting any of your tears

during the commercial, any questions?

-Just-- -Good.

And in five,

four, three.

[audience cheering]

Thank you and welcome to Foxie.

Today we're talking to a lovely young woman, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, do you know why you're here today?

I'm not sure, because I'm a twin?

Exactly, well, we have a surprise for you.

-You do? -Yes, we do.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Elizabeth's twin sister,

Jessica, whom she hasn't seen

since they were separated at birth.

[audience applauding]

It's incredible.

My God, it's like looking in a mirror.

All these years,

I felt like there's something missing in my life

and now I know.

[audience applauding]

Elizabeth's come all the way from Great Neck, Long Island,

just to see her sister, Jessica,

and we're gonna hear their incredible story

right after this break.

[audience cheering]

What's wrong with this picture?

I don't see a Diet Pepsi in my hand,

now move it, move it, move it!

Believe me, Liz, I had no idea what they were up to.

Do you expect me to believe you?

National television is not the place to make a scene,

-besides it's almost over. -It better be.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, and we're back.

Now Jessica, Elizabeth, what the people wanna know

is despite all your years apart,

if you still have something in common?

Elizabeth, what's most important to you back in Great Neck?

Friends, I guess.

[Foxie] And you, Jess?

I'd have to say friends too and Seinfeld.

-[audience laughing] -Amazing.

It's as if you've never been apart.

Elizabeth, tell us a little bit about yourself.

What would you say is your best quality?

Well, people say I'm a good listener.

[Foxie] And I bet Jessica's the same way.

Huh?

Now we'd like to take a call from one of our viewers.

Caller?

[Viewer] The question's for Liz, what's your sign?

Pisces.

-Me too. -[audience applauding]

Isn't that amazing?

See, that wasn't so bad.

Thank God it's over.

Good news, girls, the network loved the show.

Tell them I'm also available for Movies of the Week

or pointing to things on game shows.

Actually, they wanted to know if you were interested

in letting us do a follow up story?

It could be arranged.

-Jessica. -Let me handle this,

I'm an expert negotiator.

We'd be happy to comply with your request,

however certain conditions must be met.

-sh**t. -We get our own hair and makeup guy.

No-uh.

-We get a limo. -Sorry.

We get a free copy of your tell all biography.

In paperback and I don't have to sign it.

Deal.

Terrific, they'll do it.

What exactly are we doing?

Next week on Foxie Jones , we're gonna follow the twins

to Jessica's hometown of Sweet Valley,

we'll see just how alike these twins really are.

A camera crew from the Foxie Jones Show

following me around for an entire week?

This is a total disaster.

Don't worry, we're gonna be on national television.

Thanks, I feel much better.

Look, I spoke to everyone at school,

they're all gonna play along.

It only cost me a month's allowance.

Do you really think you can fool the entire show?

Babe, the entire nation.

And don't forget the shopping spree.

I can't believe we're doing this,

we're totally committing fraud.

I mean, first of all apart from the fact

that we were not separated at birth, we're nothing alike.

I can't do this, I can't do this,

I'm just gonna call the producer and explain.

You can't, it's too late to back out.

Do you know how much trouble we're gonna be in?

-We, you're the one who-- -Sorry, Liz,

we're in trouble together.

Here, put this little top on, it's just like mine.

Jess.

-[Jess] What? -You can put this on.

Ew!

You're the one who got us into this mess.

Just because we have to be alike

doesn't mean we have to be like you.

Tomorrow's the big day!

Sheri Lewis and Lambchop are coming?

Why would you think that?

I can dream, can't I?

No, no, I'm debuting my new--

Bonjour, bonjour!

Capucci suit.

Oh, do you like it?

I, I--

I know, it rendered me utterly without speech,

and I was so lucky to get the matching bag.

It comes with a matching purse?

Well actually, it's one of a kind,

Capucci made it specially for me.

Couldn't you just die?

Oh!

[Enid] It looks great on you, Kendra.

Well, thanks, of course it helps that I'm tall.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat,

but I'm late for my floral design class,

it's pansy week, you can imagine the madness.

This town is not big enough for the two of us.

Lila, are you OK?

Lila?

I haven't seen her like this

since bell bottoms came back into fashion.

This calls for my secret w*apon.

Hello, Daddy.

Enough with the powder already!

Do I look like a donut to you?

Now girls, let me ask you something,

do you know why America loves twins?

No.

Because they're exactly alike,

I want you guys to agree on everything,

laugh at the same jokes, study the same subjects,

choose the same long distance company, OK?

OK, let's move it, people.

-Can we move those cords? -Pick up the pace, guys.

[Crew Member] A little higher with the boom.

-Roll that camera. -Rolling!

Jessica, now I want you to forget that we're here

and take us through your normal routine.

Well, let's see, it's :,

so I usually hang out in the hallway

and gossip about what people are wearing.

Funny, before first period,

I usually go to the office of my school paper.

Um, as a matter of fact, I do too,

to write about all the gossip.

Really, I'd love to see your office.

No problem.

I don't know how we do it in such a cramped space.

[Foxie] Ah-huh.

Here we go, this is the Oracle and these are my people.

Loved your article on El Salvador.

Hm? Hm, hm.

Jessica, this is the auto repairman.

Well yes, at the Oracle,

we like to represent opinions from all sorts of people.

Work, work, write, write, write!

Amazing, that's just the way I do it,

except sometimes I like to turn on the computer.

It's these little differences that make us so interesting.

Hm-mm.

So what's your top story?

Oh, this one, the one on top.

And what's the circulation like?

Usually pretty good, but sometimes during Melrose Place,

if I sit funny, my leg falls asleep.

Liz, why don't you tell our viewers

your favorite school subject.

I bet it's the same as Jessica's.

I'd have to say English.

Me too, I mean, I use it almost every day.

Now this is the Moon Beach, my favorite place to hang out.

The cheeseburgers are amazing.

You eat meat?

I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, me too, I meant to say cheese fries.

I don't eat fried foods.

Milkshakes?

Oh right, let me guess, no dairy?

-Can we have-- -Two glasses

-of beet juice, please. -Oh, sure.

That guy reminds me of my boyfriend at home.

You two wouldn't happen to be?

Just disgusting,

I mean, disgusting in the positive sense of the word.

Let's get a sh*t of the happy couple kissing.

[laughing]

You'd better not tell anyone about this.

I don't need to, it's gonna be on TV.

You'd better drink that beet juice, Jess,

you're gonna need your strength.

What?

As I was telling Foxie,

after lunch I usually donate blood.

I hope you know you're making my life a living hell.

I'm just being me.

Just being you?

I gave half my blood, spent four hours on a walkathon,

thank God for that shortcut,

and I had to be nice to Winston.

You're like a non-stop Goodwill and charity, it's just sick.

Look, it's almost over,

tomorrow's the last day that the crew's gonna follow us.

Liz, please, I'm asking you one favor,

sister to sister?

-What? -Have mercy,

tell Foxie tomorrow's the day

you like to sip iced tea by the pool.

I'll do what I can.

I like to do what I can

to give something back to the community.

I see Jessica feels the same way.

Yeah, yeah, I love helping people.

Ew!

I was saving that.

One carwash waxed and scented pine tree, please.

And you can just keep the change, dear.

Actually you owe us two more bucks.

Oh.

Why are you in such a good mood?

I am finally Kendra free!

Oh, my God, you k*lled her?

Let's just say there isn't much

Daddy wouldn't do for his little girl.

Oh, my God, your Dad k*lled her?

He had her father transferred to a foreign office.

Enid, what have I told you

about watching too much Scooby Doo ?

You are cold.

You haven't ever met anyone that annoying.

Sadness, sadness, girls,

I'm leaving Sweet Valley next week,

my father's suddenly been transferred out of the country.

Quelle drag,

but I hear they have fabulous outlet shopping in Beirut.

Well, actually thanks to your Dad, we're going to Paris.

Wow, Lila, you've always wanted to live there.

I'm shutting my mouth now.

Well, I'm off to pack.

I do wish I could stay longer,

but Daddy insists I make it to Paris

in time for the Capucci show next week.

Au revoir!

Oh.

Hey, Jess, a whole caravan of horse trailers just came in!

[horns tooting]

Let's start shoveling!

I love horses.

I can't take this anymore!

We're not long lost sisters,

we've lived together our entire life

and we're nothing alike!

I hate these clothes, I hate good deeds,

and I hate being on TV!

Just arrest me, I'm a fraud!

Come on, I'm ready for jail.

Just give me my striped jumpsuit and lock me up!

What?

Not all girls can pull off stripes.

No Jess, you're not going to jail.

What are you talking about?

Jess, this whole thing is a huge joke.

Look out, Ricki Lake,

Foxie's ratings are going through the roof.

After you fooled the producer and me,

we got together to make a fool out of you.

This very special practical joke episode

will air next month on Foxie.

You are so evil.

I guess we're more alike than we thought.

Girls, keep it up.

Next week I'm doing this show

on sisters who don't speak to each other.

[upbeat melodic music]

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪