08x03 - Paraskevidekatriaphobia

[bunniefuu]

I'm off now.

OK.

Are you gonna be all right
getting to work?

Yes, don't worry.

I'm not worried.
Why would I be worried?

Go. I'm fine.

OK, I'll see you later. Yep.

Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.

I'm not…feeling too great,
to be honest.

It must've come on overnight.

Yeah, yeah,
I… I think I better had.

Would you tell Dean
I won't be in today?

Oh, thanks, Peggy.

Bye.

One, two, three.

Good morning, Mr. Magpie.

I'm sorry you're on your own.

So, now I've used up all my sorrow,
nothing bad can happen.

Understand?

So,

is the number to call for

Hoping to hear from you
this Friday morning,

but it's not any old Friday morning,
it's Friday the th!

So, no doubt you're all taking
extra care of yourselves

and you won't end up in A&E,
having driven into a lamppost!

Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna be
just twiddling their thumbs today.

Nothing to do -
everyone's being so careful.

Well, I hope you get to put your feet up
and have a well-deserved rest.

Here's a song just for you.

Hello?

You've reached the Dermot O'Leary…

Oh, hello.

You're in. That's lucky.

I've got a parcel for ya.

Just, er, leave it on the doorstep,
thanks.

Oh, I can't.
You've got to sign for it.

Ugh. Could you come back later?
My wife will be in.

Oh, not really.
I've got a round to do.

Besides, I think it's for you.
Er, Gareth Beckman?

Yes, yes, that's me.

Well, if you can't do it today, it'll have
to go back to the sorting office,

and what with it being Friday,
it'll be stuck there all weekend.

All right. Fine.

Your pen's not working.
Have you got another one?

Oh, no. Sorry, love.

We usually have them digital ones
where you use your finger,

but I dropped mine this morning

while I were unwrapping
a Belvita and it broke.

Device, not the Belvita.

Wait there.

Don't come in!

Please.

Not a single bloody pen!

Ow.

Damn it!

Sorry, I couldn't just quickly
use your loo, could I?

I literally just told you
not to come in. I'm busting.

Dr. Mikos says I've got to stay
hydrated cos of my condition,

but I can't just nip behind a
privet like a man does, can I?

Me friend Enid got me one of them Shewees
- you know, where you funnel it -

but me aim was off.

Ruined a good pair of Uggs,
that did. Yeah. I'm sorry, no.

I'm not going for a crafty poo

All right! Look, it's through there.
Just be quick.

Hello?

Ah, yes. Well, I wanted
to point out to Dermot O'Leary

that a study conducted in

by Scanlon, Luben,
Scanlon and Singleton

concluded that the risk
of hospital admission

actually goes up by as much
as % on Friday the th,

so, you know, get your facts
right and stop broadcasting

such irresponsible crap!

Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.

What's wrong? I can't get out!

What do you mean?
Just unlock the door.

What have you done to it?

Nothing! It just came off
in me hand.

Could you hurry up, please?
I don't like confined spaces.

I need to get a screwdriver.
Wait there.

I don't have much choice, do I?

No. Out.

Hey, you, get out! I can't!

Not you!

Hello…

Hello. What are you doing
under there?

Hey?

sh*t!

Hello.

Come on!

Here, come on,
where are you?

Come on…

Hello!

OK…

Do you know…

…a man came up to me the other day
and said, "Have you seen my cat?

"He's got black fur,

"patchy with mange.

"He's missing his right ear,

"he's blind in one eye,

"and only has three legs

"due to a recent traffic accident."

I said, "What's his name?"

And the man said…

…"Lucky."

I'm not being funny,
but I've got library books

that need taking back!

Dr. Mikos said there's a danger
of me having a fit.

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Who are you?

Barry Styles, locksmith.

Apparently, you've trapped a lady
in your downstairs toilet.

I didn't trap her.
She went in of her own accord!

I don't need to know
the details, sir.

I just need you to know
it's an £ call-out fee.

Get me out! I can't breathe.

I'm not paying that.
I didn't call you.

I'll pay it! I'll pay anything.
Just get me out!

I was about to get you out.
I just need to get a screwdriver!

Can you move this?
Yeah. Sorry about that.

I have to bring everything in from
the van or it all gets nicked.

Kids today! I don't know!

Can you shift it, please?
I can't get by.

One sec.

Hiya, love.
Did you find it all right?

Yeah, I'm at number …

I'm getting a bit dizzy!

I'm coming! Just…

Ooh, this might set me fits off!
Hold on.

What's going on?
I can hear banging!

Hello!

I've got tinnitus as well, you know!

Ever since I saw Whitesnake
at the Albert Hall.

Huh! I told them the speakers
were too loud!

I wrote them a letter,

but I didn't hear anything back.

Well, apart from my tinnitus.

I'm not paying
if I need syringing again!

Oh, no.

Oh, dear me, I'm sorry about that.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

I just want both of you
to leave as soon as possible.

I can't have people
in the house today.

Grandad! Grandad! Hello, cherub!

Who's this, now?

This is me granddaughter, Bethany.

I've just gotta look after her
for a couple of hours.

Me daughter-in-law's
got band practice.

Thanks for doing this, Barry.

I won't be long.

I'll leave her bag with you.

Oh, hello!

Are you the fella that's
locked a woman in his toilet?

Yes, he is! No, I'm not.

Well, Bethany will be no trouble.

It's just we've got
a special gig today

and we need to work
on My Ding-a-Ling.

Can I ask you to step
outside, please?

One second.
I've got to sort her lunch box.

I can't have those in here!
Those what?

Peacock feathers. Are you allergic?

Yes, to the evil eye,
and you're covered in them

and they're incredibly bad luck!

Don't say that. They're lovely.

Look, feel them.

Urgh, get them away from me!
Get out! Get out, get out!

Hey, hey, come on, now.
There's no need for that!

It's all right, Barry.

Now, you be a good girl for Grandad

and Mummy will see you later.

Is there any chance I could
nip to your upstairs loo?

Definitely not. Why?

Because we can't cross on the stairs.

Someone obviously got out of the
wrong side of the bed this morning.

Don't say that. I'll have to
dust off my Shewee.

See you later, darling.

Come on, then, let's do
a nice picture in the kitchen.

Yes, make yourself at home,
why don't you?!

Have you got
that screwdriver yet?

I'm getting it, I'm getting it!

I don't know if you want
to hear this now,

but your flush is broken,
by the way.

Yes, of course it is!
What with that and the lock,

well, they say bad luck
comes in threes.

What's number two?

Your flush is broken, by the way.

Unbelievable.

Thanking you, sir!

Right, let's establish
what we're looking at here.

Excuse me, where are your…?

Oh, no!

You can't put shoes on the table!

It's all right.
They're brand-new!

Well, that's even worse!

Stop! Stop!

It wards off evil spirits.

Is everything OK, sir?

Please, just be quick.

Yes, hurry up!

Yeah, all right, madam.
Can you not do that, please?

You're jiggling the mechanism

and making my life
even more difficult.

May I ask how the lady came to
be inside the bathroom, sir?

She wanted a pee. What else
would she be doing in there?

Well, you tell me. I don't want
any more nasty surprises.

Well, there might be one.

Especially now there's
a child on the premises.

Yes, a child you brought here.
I didn't ask for any of this!

Here we go!

Oh, finally!

Oh, thank you!

Deep breaths. You're all right.

Now, just for my own peace of mind,

you went in there
of your own free will, yes?

The gentleman didn't force ya?

Cos I do know the words
for a citizen's arrest.

What?

Oh, the room's spinning.

I think I'm gonna be sick!

Yeah, the internal
mechanism's buggered,

by the look of things. Heh.

It'll be £ for a new tailpiece,

plus labour, of course… Of course.

I might've been able to salvage it,

but she's been hacking away
at it with this screw,

by the look of things.

Oh, my God!

Help me! Don't let it drop.

Can you… Can you put it back in?

It'll cost ya. Just do it!

I don't need any more bad luck today.

Imagine you're on a beach…

You're looking out
at a wide open horizon.

Can you feel it?

Yes.

There's not another soul
for miles around…

..the waves are lapping,
the sun's shining…

Oh, have I got sunblock on?
I burn easily.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

You put it on earlier. Factor .

Only ? Sorry, .

I've not got me glasses on.

Just think about how calm you are.

Not a care in the world.

Oh, it smells of coffee,
this breeze.

It stinks.

Look, this is ridiculous! I'm sorry!

There's a toddler out there.
God knows what she's getting up to!

Me daughter-in-law's
on her way over, I told ya.

Bethany's a good girl. She
won't get up to any mischief.

I should never have answered
the door, today of all days.

I knew it as well! I knew it!

You don't believe in all that
Friday the th stuff, do you?

Yes, of course I do!
Look where I've ended up -

trapped in a toilet with you two.

But that's got nothing
to do with the date.

It's just circumstance.

Oh, so says Mr. Shoes On The Table!

You're inviting bad luck.

From who, though?

The universe! I opened the door
and, boom, utter chaos!

That's a very negative attitude,
if you don't mind me saying.

Tell that to Jesus,

crucified on so-called Good Friday,

after the Last Supper
where there were guests.

I didn't know they had Fridays
in them days.

Of course they did!

Chaucer talks about it
in the Middle Ages!

"And on a Friday fell
all his mischance."

The Knights Templar were tortured

by King Philip IV of France
on Friday the th .

Public hangings happened on a Friday.

And there were steps
up to the gallows.

And what about all them kids
that got chopped up by a madman

at that lake in America? That was…

Friday the th.

Yeah. They made a film about it.

There's lots of good things
happen on a Friday too, though.

The end of the working week,
fish and chips…

I bought my big telly
on Black Friday.

Mind you, it was half
the bloody price a month later.

It's swings and roundabouts,
in't it?

You've pepped up all of a sudden.

What happened to your claustrophobia?

It's being on this lovely beach.

Hmm. Just makes me feel so relaxed.

What time is it, by the way?

Er…

Ooh, I dunno. My watch has stopped.

Oh, no… minutes past.

Right, that's it!

Dana, what…?

What are you doing here?

Is everything OK?

Are you OK?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Why didn't you let us out?

And who…? Who's this?

Dr. Marcel Rogers.

Your wife asked me to prepare
this treatment for you.

Treatment?

What do you mean?

I didn't know what else to do.

Allow me to introduce my friends,

Sue and Johnny Robbins,

from the Little Marlow
Amateur Dramatics Society.

At your service!

The magic of theatre.

And let's not forget
our juve lead, Shelley.

Come on in. No need to be ashamed.

Such a pleasure working with you.

They kindly took time out
of rehearsing Half A Sixpence

to be here today.

I do hope we gave you
what you wanted.

The reviews are in and you were
excellent, dear, as always.

Oh, you know
I don't read reviews, darling!

Dana, what…what is all this?

I know it's extreme, but Dr. Rogers said
it was the only thing that would work.

Exposure therapy, or exposure
in vivo, as we call it -

putting you, Mr. Beckman,
in direct contact

with your greatest fears.

Your wife explained to me that
your paraskevidekatriaphobia

was becoming unmanageable.

My what?

Paraskevidekatriaphobia.

It's a fear of Friday the th.

Puts me in mind of
the Gilbert and Sullivan

we did last year.

♪ I am the very model of
a paraskevidekatriaphobiac! ♪

So…what, you've all just
been tricking me?

To… To what end?
To give me a stroke?

I appreciate that the experience

is very anxiety-inducing,
Mr. Beckman,

but you needed to stay
in the situation long enough

for your irrational fear
to subside.

For that, we needed to create

a fully realised
worst-case scenario,

hence the arrival
of your unwanted guests.

I just loved all that improv
on the doorstep.

I mean, Belvita -
where did that come from?

It was magnificent! So, so funny.

Oh, bless you.

But it was the teeth, I think,
and the accent.

Funnily enough, we both
just read them as Northern.

She was exactly the same
in last year's Ayckbourn.

Well, maybe not exactly the same,

but thank you, darling.

And Johnny here
went all Method, of course.

We had tools out
all over the living room.

Mm, I read a very interesting
article in the Mail

about Cumberbatch
and I thought that was the way

to go with Barry Styles.

But I shall
miss him, that's for sure.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Gareth!

Who is THIS?!

Where did you get her? Sylvia Young?

No, but she is on the waiting
list. My granddaughter,

who did a wonderful
performance, I thought.

Absolutely. Bravo!

She will make a first-class
Rosalind when she's older.

I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!

You're all talking like
what I'm saying is irrational,

but it isn't!
As I just explained in there!

That was a lovely scene,
by the way.

It wasn't a scene. It was real!

I was explaining the real world
history of this phenomenon.

What phenomenon?

Er, bad luck!

It's not luck, though, Gareth!

You avoid walking under a ladder

because something
might fall on your head.

You won't put shoes on the table
because you're gonna eat off it.

Actors don't like saying "Macbeth"

because there are sword fights in it
and people get genuinely injured!

Oh, no, she mentioned
the Scottish play!

And you think I'M the one
that needs f*cking therapy?

That'll be our cue
for the interval.

Shall we? Come on, Bethany.

There's some lovely cake
waiting for you

in the green room.

Perhaps you ought to tell me what's
really going on here, Gareth.

What do you mean?

Your wife tells me
there was an inciting incident.

Can you tell me
about October th ?

I believe it was a Friday.

How could you?

I had to.

It's taking over our lives.

Every Friday the th,

three times a year,

you are obsessed!

I'm not obsessed.

And it's not three times
a year. It's twice this year,

twice next year and one time
the year after that.

Why don't you tell me
what happened?

You were on a school trip
to France…

..skiing in Le Corbier.

But on that Friday morning
you had a stomach-ache

and you didn't want to go.

So you watched as all your
classmates got on that coach

and drove away.

That was the last you saw of them.

The coach skidded on black ice.

They came off the road.

All of them d*ed.

Except you.

Survivor's guilt

and its association with that date

has blighted you ever since.

It's time for you to confront
your fears, Gareth,

and put an end to it.

We want you to smash the mirror.

Break it.

Break it.

I can't.

Friday the th
is just another day,

a day when something
terrible happened in

that wasn't your fault.

Seven years' bad luck.

Break the mirror, Gareth!

And set yourself free.

I'm sorry.

Well done.

I don't know.

Wow, this is quite the party
we're gate-crashing.

Hello, but which one's Gareth?

There he is.

Hey, big guy!

Congratulations, big guy!

So, Gareth,
you are our millionth caller

on the radio today, which means
you have banked yourself

a whopping £ , .

The big - ! There we go!

Thank you. Er…
Is this really happening?

It most certainly is,
my friend. Well done.

Can I just say, Dec,

if you and Ant want tickets to
come and see Half A Sixpence,

I'm pretty sure I can arrange a
couple of house seats for you.

You'd be most welcome to come
and see if we've got the X factor!

Thank you so much. Just leave
your details with my producer.

I'd love to come.
I just love you both. Thank you.

So, Gareth, what we'd love to do

is do a little interview with
you, pre-recorded interview…

…to play out
on the radio tomorrow

before the big announcement.
How does that sound?

I'd love to.

Oh, no.

I'm off now.

OK.

What's wrong?

I thought I'd
fixed everything.

I thought I was cured, but…

..it turns out it was all a dream.

What are you talking about,
"dream"?

Aw, no, that's because
it's Saturday, you idiot.

You just haven't
turned it round yet. See?

Here.

So, Dermot O'Leary…

..that all actually happened?

Yes!

Bloody Dermot bloody O'Leary
in our front room.

I nearly d*ed of shock.

You'd better come down.

Your interview's gonna be on
in a minute.

Mwah!

Right, so I'm meeting Paula
for breakfast.

I'm gonna listen to you later.

Oh, you should open this.

What is it?

It's the package
from yesterday. Open it.

One last test, just to be sure.

Well done, darling.
Oh, I'm so proud of you!

I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.

Enjoy your interview. Yeah.

Coming up, I chat
to our one millionth caller,

who, yesterday,
won an incredible £ ,

on Friday the th!

We'll be hearing from him

and what it feels like to be
so unbelievably lucky.

Speaking of which, here's Kylie.

# There is no complication

# I dream about you all the time

♪ I should be so lucky… ♪