04x22 - It's a Wonderful Life

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

[Suzanne] Julia, would
you turn that thing down?

I can't. It's broken.

This baby monitor
is a great invention.

I wish they'd had this
when Payne was little.

♪♪ [music box]
What's that noise?

I wound up one
of Olivia's little toys

to put her to sleep.

- [baby cries]
- Hey.

Look at this, Julia.
You like this one?

- Shh.
- Julia.

Suzanne, I'm trying
to determine if Olivia

is going to stay
down for her nap.

I think that's at least as
important as helping you

select a g*n rack for the
back of your Mercedes.

I am interested in security,
and you should be, too,

especially now we have
this baby around here.

I tell you, nothing
makes me feel safer

than that big old NRA
sticker on my front door.

In fact, I think I want to
stick one up around here.

[baby cries]

Opp! Hold it.

- She stopped.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

Where is that Mrs.
Philpott anyway?

She quit?

No, she has the flu.

Well, Charlene better
hurry up and get back here

before the next big
diaper change comes up

because I can go all day
without doing that again.

Suzanne, considering
this is the first time

Charlene has gone out
in the field on her own,

I think the least we can do

is change Olivia's
diapers for her.

She's just a little depressed,

which is not unnatural
after having a baby.

Anyway, that's precisely

why I wanted her
to handle this job.

I think Charlene's ego
could use a little boost.

Yeah? Well, I think she
ought to get that coat cleaned.

What coat?

The one she had on this morning.

It's got some kind
of baby stuff on it.

What do you mean baby stuff?

I don't know, Julia.

That stuff that comes out
of them when you burp them.

It's not very attractive.

Well, Suzanne, you
should have told her.

I'm sure Charlene didn't know.

She hasn't had a good
night's sleep in two months.

She's absolutely exhausted.

[Mary Jo] I can't believe
she's still not back.

I bet Olivia's getting hungry.

Well, I don't know why Charlene
insists on nursing this baby.

It's like some kind of epidemic.

Everywhere I go, any
time of the day or night,

I see these women
whipping themselves out

and acting like
public refilling stations.

I mean, they act like,

just because there's
a baby attached,

it's not a breast anymore.

Could you see me unleashing
one of these outdoors?

All hell would break loose.

Yeah, I'll admit

that even though I
enjoyed nursing my children,

you know, the bonding and all

and the fact that it's good
for their immune system,

I do think that some women

don't wean their
kids soon enough.

I mean, it seems to me that
there ought to be a cut-off point

somewhere before

"Hey, Mom, I'm going to
go out and shag some balls.

I'll be back in to
nurse an hour."

[Julia] Well, hi,
Charlene. How did it go?

I'll tell you in a
minute. How's Olivia?

Oh, she's fine.

She was just cooing
in a minute ago.

So how did it go?

Well, first of all,
I'm really sorry.

That bad?

I fell asleep.

When?

I'm not sure.

I think it was right after we
said hello and shook hands.

How long did you sleep?

I think about 15 minutes.

We were sitting on his
sofa in his office, you know,

talking about putting
"levelers" on the windows,

and I just sort of nodded off.

Some time after
that, he woke me up.

Apparently, I was snoring.

And then what happened?

Then I start crying.

You started crying?

Well, yeah, because
I looked down,

and while I had been asleep,

I'd gotten these great
big wet milk spots

on the front of my blouse.

Oh, my Lord.

It was just so humiliating.

- Oh, my Lord!
- Suzanne.

And then I just jumped
up real quick-like

and put on my coat.

The one with the
baby spit on it?

That's right.

And thank you for
telling me, Suzanne.

I didn't notice till
I'd gotten there.

And then you left?

Yeah, I just picked up
those fabric samples

and went flying out of there.

And that's when I
fell flat on my face

in the reception there.

I don't think I want
to hear any more.

You know, I probably
wouldn't have fallen,

except that I'd put my pantyhose
on so twisted this morning,

I've been walking like
John Wayne all day.

Then my purse came open,

and, you know, I had that box

of baby suppositories in there.

They just flew everywhere.

There I was, on my
hands and knees,

wet, sobbing, mascara
running down my face,

my pantyhose twisted,
trying to gather up all these

little white fire
crackers, you know?

Two of the secretaries
had to lift me off the floor

and help to my car,

or maybe they were
throwing me out.

I don't know.

You know, I never looked back.

I'll just go upstairs,
then, and talk to Olivia.

That's all I'm good for anyway.

Just a big old mom blob.

[Julia] Charlene, what on
earth are you talking about?

I'm talking about I'm
not attractive anymore.

I got circles under my
eyes. I'm overweight.

Bill doesn't even notice me.

No, no. Last
night he did tell me

that I had my flannel
nightgown on backwards.

Charlene, you know, I'm
sure he's exhausted, too.

No, he's not.

He's having an affair.

Oh, Charlene, here.

Now, you're just going to
have to pull yourself together.

At first I couldn't believe it.

Bill doesn't even
look at me anymore.

He's got this new
cockpit partner

that he's just crazy about.

They talk on the
phone all the time.

Oh, my Lord.

You mean Bill's a h*m*?

No, his new cockpit
partner is a woman.

He told me yesterday.

He said Gail likes
the way he looks

from the back
in his flight suit.

Now, tell me, does that sound
like a professional pilot talk to you?

Charlene, I'm sure that it
was just an innocent comment.

Now, I'm not saying
that the Colonel's doing it,

but I just read a report
the other day that said

that 65% of all married
men have fooled around.

Yeah? What about the other 35?

Well, the other 35 are lying.

[Suzanne] I can't believe that
guy's calling her for a date again.

No, Don, I'm sorry, but I'm
not going to change my mind.

Yes, it's final. Goodbye.

You know what you need, Mary Jo?

A g*n.

You wouldn't believe
the hassle it saves.

You pull a g*n on a date,

sets the tone for
the whole evening.

I guarantee he won't
ask you out again.

We decided to come visit
you guys, didn't we, Livvie?

Oh, we're certainly
glad you did.

You feeling better?

Yeah, y'all convinced
me I'm being silly.

You're right.

No man who calls
home three times a day

and builds of crib for his
baby with his own hands

and paints clouds on
the ceiling of a nursery

could be possibly
be having an affair.

Yeah, right.

Suzanne.

I think you're 100%
correct, Charlene.

I've just been so
emotional lately, you know?

Then I had to go and read
in the paper this morning

they're tearing down
the Dinwiddie Hotel.

You know, that rooftop gardens

where Bill and
I first fell in love.

So romantic, you know, it
overlooked the whole city.

I can't believe
they're tearing it down.

So like that's the
end of our beginning.

Oh, Charlene, give
yourself some time.

You know, having babies
is not a pretty business.

I'll tell you, after
Quint was born,

I felt and looked like the wife of
the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Not only that, I look
down at my son,

and I thought, My Lord,
I've given birth to a Smurf.

Hi, everybody.

- Oh, hi!
- Come on in here.

Hey, how are my beautiful girls?

Just fine.

He's not talking to you.

Olivia, look who's here.

It's Daddy. Can you
say "Hello, Daddy?"

Hi, pumpkin. How are you doing?

Now, how are you doing?

Fine.

I was hoping you'd stop by.

Yeah, well I had to
exchange Olivia's car seat,

and I thought I better
stop by and tell you

- I just got some new orders.
- What do you mean?

I'm gonna have to
be away for a week.

You're kidding. When?

Late tomorrow night.

Where are you going?

Honey, I can't tell
you that. It's top secret.

Oh. Okay.

I hate it. I can't
stand the thought

of being away from
you and Olivia that long.

We'll be okay.

I should put her to bed.

I mean, you want to
come upstairs and talk?

Sure.

Hey, how did that thing go
this morning with your client?

Oh, not too good.

I don't want to talk
about it right now, okay?

I'll tell you later.

We'll be back in a minute.

Okay.

Well, she took that really well.

Get real. She's not
interested in talk.

He's going to the woodshed.

[Charlene] Bill Stillfield,

I can't believe that
you just came in here

and told that ridiculous
story in front of my friends.

Charlene, what are
you talking about?

That's not a story.

I really did get a
top secret mission.

Oh, sure. Didn't that
work out just dandy?

I suppose your back-seater
Gail will be coming with you.

As a matter of fact, she is.

Suzanne put that
thing down. Turn it off.

I can't. It's busted, remember?

[Charlene] Oh, well
that's good. Good.

I'm really glad that
you'll be getting

to spend some time with
somebody who's attractive.

Give me that.

[Bill] I don't know
that she's so attractive.

What do you mean?

Julia, get off. I can't hear.

Suzanne!

[Charlene] are
called attractive.

That's why you got this new word

for in this case a pilot,

while I got baby
spit on my new coat.

[Bill] I guess she's attractive,

but it certainly doesn't
have anything to do with me.

Oh, don't give
me that! [muffled]

because you're
not doing it at home!

Charlene, I think your hormones

have just entered a new phase.

Oh, dear, this is terrible.
We shouldn't be hearing that.

- Put another pillow on it.
- Oh, shut up.

Charlene, if I'm not
doing anything at home,

it's because you're always tired

or Olivia's between us.

It is not because
I don't want you.

I want you all the time.

Oh this is awful.

Why don't we just
flush it down the toilet?

Don't you break that thing.

[Charlene] I'm insulting?

If you want to go away with
someone, just keep going,

but don't come in here
telling Olivia and me

you're out to save the country

because we know all about
you and your cockpit partner,

and you needn't bother
coming home again

because we'll be gone!

So you just put that
in your jet fighter plane

and smoke it, Mr. Top Buns!

You know, Charlene and
Bill are so perfectly matched,

it's hard to believe they fight.

Oh... Anthony, what's wrong?

I made a mistake,

potentially the biggest
mistake of my life.

Does anybody have
a pen I could borrow?

Yes, I do. What for?

I'm making out my will.

I want y'all to
take all my money

and set up a foundation to
warn all people all over America

about the dangers of
eating beef stroganoff

out of gas station
vending machines.

Oh, no. You didn't.

I guess I was so hungry,

I just wasn't thinking clearly.

As a matter of fact, I
remember thinking, Mm-mm.

What a fabulous
dining innovation.

Why don't they have
some other stuff,

like sea bass or maybe
a little veal piccata?

Anyway, by the time I finished
that little plastic container

of culinary vending delight,

a representative of
the vending company

pulls up in his truck

and said, "You didn't
eat that, did you?"

Well, as it turns out,

they had not serviced
that particular gas station

in a couple of months.

They forgot all about it.

The only reason they came

is because some of the customers

complained about the smell.

I'm going to die, ladies.

I'm going to die.

Was I interrupting something?

No.

Well, Charlene and Bill had
just had a terrible argument.

And I wonder if it
isn't partially our fault.

You know, Charlene
only took two weeks off

after Olivia was born.

We should have insisted
she take more time.

You know what would be great?

We should get the rooftop
garden to open up tonight,

and we'll give them
one last romantic dinner.

You know Charlene
loves that storybook stuff,

the hokier the better, you know.

Moonlight on a rooftop.

A chauffeured car.

One perfect rose.

Well, I for one, have
never understood

this one perfect rose stuff.

You want to talk about
saying it with flowers.

One perfect rose just
screams it in your face...

"I'm cheap."

Come on, Julia.

You know how to pull strings.

If you can get them to
open up this building,

I'll take care of the food.

I know all their
favorite restaurants.

Anthony, do you think
you'll feel well enough

- to help us out tonight?
- Well, in six hours,

I'll either feel
better, or I'll be dead.

Oh, and y'all don't
have to worry.

I'll take care of the baby.

Well, we can work out
the details on that one

a little later on.

[Bill] Charlene, have you
seen my dirty laundry?

Yeah, I saw it.

Well, where is it?

I sent it to the cleaners.

You sent my laundry out?

Now I can't take any
underwear with me.

Well, that'll save you some
time once you're airborne.

Charlene, I'm serious.

I want you to stop this
ridiculous nonsense.

[knock on door]

- Anthony.
- Good evening, sir.

I'm here to chauffeur a
Colonel and Mrs. William Stillfield

for an evening of dining
and dancing pleasure.

You're kidding me. Where is it?

Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm not allowed

to discuss the details
of your exact destination.

But if you don't come with me,

there's going to be hell to pay,

if you get my drift.

Gee, that sounds serious.

Maybe we better go, honey.

Oh, I have Olivia. I can't go.

Your nanny has arrived.

That's right.

I'm your official babysitter.

So you just go on in
there and fill her up,

then you're on your way.

And don't you
worry about a thing.

She'll be safe with me.

[panting] And you know, Julia...

it's really wonderful

how you managed to
get the key to this building,

and the table
looks just beautiful,

and this is going to be such
a special night for Charlene.

So I really hate to criticize.

Go on and say it, Mary Jo.

You've been wanting
to say it for 15 floors.

You should have gotten
the key to the elevator.

I wasn't the one who
forgot the ice chest.

Otherwise, we wouldn't
have had to make three trips.

Here we are.

I told you we could make it.

Okay, okay. Let me go now. Okay.

Oh!

I can't believe y'all did this.

[Bill] Boy, this really
brings back memories.

Yeah. This is where
we first fell in love.

I was thinking of boot camp.

So, can we take your wrap?

Oh. No, no, no. It's okay,
Mary Jo. Thanks anyway.

All right. Then let me
show you to your table.

Please, right this way.

We just brought the phone
so we can check in on Livvie.

We'll be most happy
to make that call for you.

Yes. You just enjoy.

We have a wonderful platter

of crudités for
you this evening.

The dip is made from sour cream,

Roquefort, and goat cheese.

[Anthony] Oh, Lord.

Sorry, Anthony.

Your driver and pianist

is a little under
the weather tonight.

Yeah, we know.

How on earth did
you do all this?

You guys are too
much. This is fantastic.

Mary Jo. Do we
have any silverware?

Do we have any silverware?

Of course we have silverware.

[laughs]

It's in the car.

I'll get it.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
You don't have to.

Yeah, I brought my
Swiss Army Kn*fe.

- We can use that.
- Don't be silly.

I'll be right back.

This is your night.

♪♪

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪

♪ A sigh is just a sigh ♪

Excuse me.

This is a story

of a beautiful sleeping
princess named Suzanne,

who lived in a great big
kingdom called the South.

Handsome, rich men came
from all across America

to try and awaken
the sleeping princess.

Only Americans showed up

because Suzanne
didn't like foreigners.

At first, they brought in
Donald Tr*mp to kiss her,

but he couldn't wake her up.

Next came the super-rich
Bass boys from Texas,

but they couldn't
wake her up, either,

although some facial
movement was detected.

Finally, a Mr. John
Kluge was brought in,

who proceeded to plant a kiss

on Princess Suzanne's
round, full lips.

She awakened immediately,
just in time to discover

that he was the
richest man in America.

Suddenly the next day,

his family mysteriously
disappeared,

and everyone lived
happily ever after.

♪ It had to be you ♪

♪ I wandered around ♪

♪ And finally found ♪

It's hard to act like
ourselves, you know,

when they're watching
your every move.

Yeah, I feel like a couple
of laboratory rats on a date.

Well, they've gone to
an awful lot of trouble.

I suppose the least we could do

is pretend we like each other.

Okay.

Let's dance a little closer,

you know, just for their sake.

Okay. As long as you
know how I really feel.

Actually, I think it
might be a nice touch

if we maybe kissed once.

Don't push it.

Charlene, I can't leave tomorrow

with you feeling like this.

Why not? I'll be okay.

There is no way that
I would have an affair.

I don't even fantasize
about other women.

That's ridiculous.

Everybody
fantasizes. It's normal.

Well, I don't.

I don't have to anymore.

Don't you get it?

You are the fantasy.

Oh, I hate you for that.

That was a really good one.

You and Olivia, you're
the whole ball game.

Everything rises and
sets on the two of you.

♪ It had to be you ♪

Oh, Bill, I'm sorry.

I've been so stupid.

I'm just so tired and nuts.

Guess what.

We just called to
check on Olivia.

Suzanne put the
phone to her mouth.

And I swear she
said her first word.

You're kidding. What was it?

Well, it sounded
something like "Kluge."

Well, you all go back
to what you are doing.

♪♪

I know it's silly.

I've been wanting a
night out, but I miss her.

I know. Me, too.

Last night, she fell asleep

with her little hand
curled around my finger,

and I just laid there
on the moonlight,

watching her, loving her.

Staying awake the whole night.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

I am so tired.

I can't go another second.

Hey, y'all.

This is just so wonderful,
and we could never repay you.

But we're just dead on our feet.

Would that be really, really
terrible if we went home?

Absolutely not.

Really. This was no trouble.

[Charlene] We'll call a cab.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Anthony will take you.

No. We insist.

We can't go unless
you promise to stay

- and enjoy this dinner for us.
- That's right.

I mean, we really,
really couldn't go to sleep

if we thought all this
was going to waste.

You mean if we promise to
stay here and enjoy this dinner,

that means that
you all will make up

and go home and go to bed?

That's right.

- You got it.
- You promise?

Scout's honor.

Race you to the street?

Okay.

You guys are the greatest.

[Anthony] ♪ Someday ♪

[Charlene giggles] Mmm.

♪ When I'm awfully low ♪

Oh, you sweetie. Mmm.

♪ When the world is cold ♪

♪ I will feel aglow ♪

♪ Just thinking of you ♪

♪ And the way you look ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ You're lovely ♪

♪ With your smile so warm ♪

♪ And your cheeks so soft ♪

♪ There is nothing for me ♪

♪ But to love you ♪