04x23 - Suzanne Goes Looking for a Friend

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

Can y'all believe how
big Olivia is getting?

Bill brought home the cutest
little china tea set for her last night.

I can't wait till we have
tea parties together.

A tea set's sort of an unusual
toy for a future governor.

Well, Mary Jo, I can't very well

give her a briefcase
to play with.

Oh, I know. I'm just giving
you a hard time, Charlene.

You know, it's tough keeping
sexism out of the toy box.

I mean, you know, what
with all the commercials on TV

and stuff their friends have.

I tried to balance it.

Every time Claudia got a doll,

I'd get her a little
matchbox car,

and every time Quint got a ball,

I'd give him some kind
of little artsy-craftsy thing.

- And what happened?
- They swapped.

Hey, you can't
fight chromosomes.

Little boys like
little-boy things,

little girls like
little-girl things.

Anthony, that's not always true.

Well, now, most of my toys were
passed on to me by girl cousins.

Without even thinking about
it, I turned them into boy toys.

You know, Barbie makes
one fine ballistic m*ssile

when you launch
it with a slingshot.

Well, this is
somebody's lucky day.

I got extra tickets to that charity
benefit at Theatre of the Stars.

Now, all we have to do
is figure out a fair way

to decide who
gets to go with me.

What charity's it for?

How would I know?

I didn't buy them.
They were given to me.

Giving away tickets
for a charity event.

Now, that's a novel
way to raise money.

Don't you know how
these things work?

They give away tickets
to local celebrities like me.

Then once everybody
hears I'm attending,

everybody wants to go.

Yes, I'm familiar
with this ploy.

Attention, K-Mart shoppers.

Suzanne Sugarbaker
has been spotted in aisle 5.

Well, you can take me
out of the running, Suzanne.

I have too little time
with Bill and Olivia as it is.

You can cross
me off the list, too.

I have to help Quint
finish his science project.

We're painting the
digestive tract tonight.

Well, Julia, I guess
it's you and me.

I'm sorry, Suzanne.

That's the only night Reece
and I have together this week.

We just plan to stay in.

Oh, pooh.

You all always have
something else to do.

Suzanne, this may
come as a surprise to you,

but we do not exist

to provide you with a
24-hour escort service.

We have our own schedule.

We have our own friends.

We have our own lives to lead.

Yeah, well, I think that stinks.

Suzanne, why don't you call
up some other girl friends?

Because, Charlene,
if you must know,

I don't have any other
girl friends. You three are it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.

You didn't hurt my feelings.

I got used to it
a long time ago.

And somebody like
me can't have girlfriends.

Let's face it.

Other women are just
jealous of my looks.

Anyway, all this
friendship stuff is...

Is an excuse women
use to borrow accessories.

Suzanne, I am sure somewhere in
that big black address book of yours

is the name of one woman

who'd get through
the evening with you

without knocking you down
and snatching your earrings.

Well, let's see.

Well, she'd have to be
nearly as pretty as me

so she wouldn't feel insecure.

That narrows it down.

I mean, I don't want to walk
around with a complete dog,

but then, on the other
hand, I don't want someone

who's going to divert any
male attention from me, either.

Now, let's see.

Oh, here's one... Betty Carson,

Miss Congeniality
two years running.

She's a little slow, but
I like that in a woman.

Or there's a...
Here's a possibility...

Marian Beckwidth Baker.

That girl was a
wizard with Dippity-do.

Or there's Eugenia Weeks.

I trusted her to spray my backside
before the swimsuit competition.

She did what?

You know, sprayed
my rear end with glue

so my suit wouldn't ride up.

Well, if that isn't up
close and personal,

I don't know what is.

Eugenia Weeks... Isn't
she that TV weather girl

who replaced that guy who
used to go "Hello, Georgia."

Yeah, I watched her last night.

She said it was
going to storm today,

and look at it...
Sunny and beautiful.

She is wrong a lot.

Oh, please, what does
Eugenia know about the weather?

I mean, in the
talent competition,

she tapped danced in
toe shoes, you know.

I mean, she was going to twirl
these fire batons, too, while she did it,

but then that didn't happen.

Decided to go with the monologue
from Hedda Gabler, did she?

If you must know, Mary Jo,

she gave her fire batons to me.

Mine had mysteriously
disappeared

moments before I
was supposed to go on.

Just as Wil Shriner was
reading off my name,

Eugenia kind of ran up to me

and put her fire
batons in my hands.

She said I needed
it more than she did.

I went on to win.

She didn't even make finalist.

That girl sacrificed
herself for me.

My gosh, what a beautiful story.

Well, I think that's sweet.

Yeah, well, I like
to pay people back.

Mostly, I like to pay them back

for the mean
things they do to me,

but, you know, there's no
reason you can't pay them back

for the nice ones, too.

Eugenia Wicks may
have lost that contest,

but 15 years later,

she's going to get a prize.

She's going to
get to be my friend

for at least one night.

Kind of makes you wonder
what second prize is, doesn't it?

[Charlene] I wonder
which lucky woman

won that Spend an Evening
with Suzanne Sugarbaker contest?

Well, after hearing the incredibly
moving tale of the fire batons,

my money's on the weather girl.

Isn't it just like Suzanne to call
up three women out of the blue

after 15 years

and expect them to drop
everything and be her friend?

I don't know,
Julia. It might work.

I mean, Suzanne and her ilk

operate in a completely
different dimension than we do.

The Pageant Zone.

And for all we know,

those girls have been
sitting in their isolation booth

for 15 years just
waiting for her to knock.

Hi, everybody.

This is my friend Eugenia Weeks.

[Woman] Hi.

Eugenia, that's my sister Julia,

and that's Mary Jo,
and that's Charlene.

Hi. Boy, you look even better
in person than you do on TV.

Well, thanks.

I-I just love the way you say

"Let's watch the map in motion."

- That's pretty good.
- Oh, thanks.

Hey, good morning.

Oh, and this is Anthony.

He's ex-con, all rehabilitated.

Anthony, this is
my friend Eugenia.

Hi, what happened to that
big storm you promised us?

Took another path.

Dumped 3 inches of
rain on the Ohio Valley,

but we're tracking another
big storm headed this way.

Well, I'll be prepared.

That's something that
Suzanne emphasized

when she rehabilitated me.

[Mary Jo] So did you two
make it to the theatre last night?

- Oh, yes, it was fabulous.
- And guess what.

Eugenia's taking me to the Atlanta
Broadcasting Council's dinner

tomorrow night.

You're kidding.
That's a big deal.

You're going to get to
see all the local TV stars.

Yeah, and they're
going to get to see me.

Isn't she wonderful?

I mean, it's like we
were never separated.

I guess once you've sprayed
glue on somebody's behind,

you're just bonded for life.

I am so glad Suzanne
called when she did.

I sure didn't want to go
to that big dinner all alone,

and my lover and I
broke up a few weeks ago.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, hey,
relationships are hard.

Probably didn't help
much that I'm on TV.

You know, I couldn't even go
into the Pink Giraffe for brunch

without everybody hitting on me.

- The Pink Giraffe?
- [Eugenia] Uh-huh.

You know, I can't go
into restaurants, either

without everybody bothering me.

It seems like I know
everybody. Everybody knows me.

Well, I am really looking
forward to tomorrow night.

I haven't been feeling
like going out much lately.

It seems like the only
places I go anymore

are to work, and of course
my Sisters In Sappho meetings.

Eugenia, why don't you take
off your coat and stay a while?

Oh, no, I'm due
down at the station.

I just came by to see
where you worked.

Drinks at 5:00 tonight, right?

- You bet.
- I'll see you then.

I am so glad you called.

Everybody else from
the pageant circuit

won't have anything to do
with me since I came out.

Well, that's the silliest
thing I've ever heard.

I'm glad you came out.

I don't know why you
didn't do it in your teens,

but better late than never.

Bless your heart.

[Eugenia] It was a
pleasure meeting all of you.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Isn't she a sweetheart?

You know, if all the women
in the world were like her,

I'd have no trouble
finding girl friends.

Well, I think that's the
understatement of the decade.

[laughter]

What's so funny?

Well, it's just...

We're just pleasantly surprised

that you're being
so open-minded.

Oh, well, I'm not like
those other pageant people,

giving her the cold shoulder

just because she
came out so late.

I'm going to let you in
on a little secret, though.

You know, some beauty
queens can be a little petty,

but, I mean, what do I care

if she's the world's
oldest living debutante?

Suzanne, I don't think that that's
what she meant by "coming out."

Suzanne, you do realize

that Eugenia swings
the other way, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

What's that mean?

He means Eugenia
is a lesbian, Suzanne.

Oh, I can't believe you people.

You just met the woman.

Already, you're badmouthing her.

I don't think it's badmouthing
to call her lesbian

when she just stood
here and told us.

When did she tell us?

Suzanne, most heterosexual women

do not refer to their
partner as "lover."

Also, the Pink Giraffe is a
lesbian bar and restaurant.

Well, how do you know?

Suzanne, everybody knows that.

Well, I didn't...

until Bill and I went there
one Sunday for brunch.

Oh, well, that's ridiculous.

Whoever heard of
a lesbian debutante?

Suzanne, when she
said "coming out,"

she didn't mean at a cotillion.

She meant from the closet.

[Mary Jo] Suzanne, she is gay.

I mean, what did
you think she meant

when she mentioned Sappho?

I didn't know.

I thought it was a detergent.

Well, it's not.
Sappho is a woman.

Okay, all right.
Well, who is she?

Is she somebody's maid?

No, Suzanne, Sappho
was a famous Greek poet

and also a famous Greek lesbian.

Oh, well, excuse me.

I do not happen to be
up on h*m* history

or my latest lesbian lingo.

Oh, I can't believe this.

I trusted her to
sprinkle glue on my butt.

She probably liked it.

Oh, my Lord.

What do you think she meant
by the little hug at the door?

She probably meant thank you

for being a kind
and supportive friend

and for accepting her
for who and what she is.

Well, she's got a
surprise coming on me.

My goodness, it is one thing
to go to the theatre with her.

At least it was dark, you know,

but, I mean, what's
everybody going to think

if I go to that dinner
with her tomorrow night?

Oh, no, that's
it. I can't go, no.

Now, Suzanne, you said you wanted
to do something nice to repay her,

and she obviously really
wants to take a friend to dinner.

I mean, come on,
what's the big deal?

Well, I'm just going to have
to tell her at drinks tonight.

Oh, my gosh, drinks tonight.

She asked me to
meet her in a bar.

Oh, forget that. No, no, no,

I couldn't set foot into
one of those places.

Oh, Suzanne,
loosen up. It's the '90s.

Yeah, well, it's
not the gay '90s.

Anthony, would you
go to a lesbian bar?

No, Suzanne. I think I'd
be a little conspicuous.

Suzanne, I realize you've
had something of a surprise,

but you can go and meet this woman,
as agreed upon, and talk with her.

It doesn't much
matter where it is.

Yeah, really, don't be silly.

I mean, she's just a
friend. It's just a bar.

You're making too
much out of this.

- Like you'd go.
- I think I would.

You know, I had pretty
good eggs benedict

at the Pink Giraffe.

I mean, it wasn't
that big a deal.

Well, sure, you
had Bill with you.

Bet you wouldn't
go with a woman.

Yeah, well, I might,
and I think you should.

I think we're all agreed.

Fine, fine,

I'm glad you all are so
enlightened and liberal

and what have you.

Since you all feel that way,
you can just go with me.

See you there. 5:00.

Oh, and by the way,

the name of the place
we're meeting at tonight

is Uncle Gertrude's.

♪♪ [country]

Okay, remember.

When Eugenia gets here,

I'm just going to tell her
that something came up

and I can't make it to
the Broadcaster's dinner,

and you all are
going to back me up,

and then we'll just
get the hell out of here.

Oh, my Lord, what if
I was just to keel over

with a heart att*ck right now?

Couldn't you see the headlines?

"Former Miss Georgia
U.S. Dies In Lesbian Bar."

Please, Suzanne,
just be quiet and relax.

- Take deep breaths.
- Are you crazy?

You want somebody to think

I'm all hot and
bothered over here?

This is a nice place,
bright and airy,

not at all what I expected a...

[whispering] lesbian
bar to look like.

I know this is terrible,

but I'd sort of pictured
this kind of dark little cave,

tucked away under a staircase

where you need a
secret knock to get in.

You know, women
in gangster suits

dancing the tango, and pictures
of tennis stars all over the walls.

Listen, if this
is a lesbian bar,

how come those two
men just walked in?

Oh, Julia, get hip.
They're cross dressers.

One of them is
probably Uncle Gertrude.

Hi, there.

I'm Dana. Welcome
to Uncle Gertrude's.

This must be your first time.

I've never seen any
of you in here before.

Now, what can I get you, sugar?

- I'm a mother.
- I beg your pardon?

I'm a nursing mother. I can't
drink. I'll have a club soda.

- Okay.
- And the rest of us
will have white wine.

Coming right up.

- Charlene has a girlfriend.
- Do not.

Well, she sure was
being nice to you.

Yeah, well, I'm the type of
person who invites niceness.

Everyone's nice to me.

So you're just leading her on.

Stop it, Suzanne.

My Lord, there's a woman
over there staring at me.

[Suzanne] Brace yourself,
Mary Jo, she's coming over.

[Mary Jo] Oh, my Lord.

Julia, pretend to
be my girlfriend.

I most certainly will not.

Excuse me, don't I know you?

No, I've never been here.

No, I don't mean from
here. I think it's from the PTA.

Aren't you little
Quintin's mother?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, hi.

I'm Juanita Top,
Tiffany's mother.

Hi, good to see you.

Well, I just thought I'd
come over and say hi.

Well, I'm glad you did.

See you at the meetings.

Can you believe
it? I have no idea.

I am so naïve.

Well, for all I know, the whole
PTA could be full of them.

I hope it's not rude,

you know, to be in a
gay bar and not be gay.

I mean, I'm starting to know
how h*m* must feel,

you know, about not being able
to be open about who they are.

You know, that was really
brave of little Tiffany's mother

to come over here,

and I just acted
like a big jerk.

I mean, here I am, fretting over

whether she's going to tell
somebody she saw me here.

I mean, why am I so
threatened anyway?

You thought she was
going to make a pass at you.

That's threatening
enough for me.

There's one thing
you're all forgetting.

If one of these women
should make a pass at us,

all we have to do is respond
in the same way we would

if a man made an
unwelcome advance.

I don't think "Keep
it zipped or lose it"

means the same to this bunch.

Besides, I've seen too many of
those women-in-prison movies

to know those big girls
don't take no for an answer.

Well, hi.

I didn't expect to
see you all here.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

If I leave the manicurist 30
seconds before my nails are dry,

I'm just full of nicks.

Hey, Suzanne, I have an idea.

How about after we have lunch
tomorrow, we go down to Phipps Plaza

and buy new dresses for the
Broadcaster's dinner? How about it?

Oh, well, Eugenia, now
about the Broadcasting dinner...

I am so glad you're
going with me.

You know, I heard there
will be quite a few people

from the old pageant days there.

Oh, well, you know, it's just...

What's the matter?

Why are you all acting
so uncomfortable?

To be perfectly honest, Eugenia,

we are a little bit unnerved,

this being our first
time in a gay bar.

A gay bar?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I wouldn't take
you to a gay bar.

You mean, this isn't a gay...?

Oh, now, I am embarrassed.

No, this place is straight.

Oh, well,

Julia, you don't have to pretend
to be my girlfriend anymore.

[Eugenia on TV] Rainy
afternoon, partly cloudy skies,

and scattered showers...

Okay, everybody, remember.
Bring your umbrellas tomorrow.

Eugenia's says there's
going to be a big rainstorm.

Thanks, Charlene. Charlene,
you mustn't listen to Eugenia.

Eugenia is always wrong.

Well, Julia, if
she's always wrong,

then what you do
is you listen to her

and then you do the opposite.

What if I did something
even more radical than that?

What if I just looked
out the window?

No answer.

Well, I tried. Wish I had
talked to her yesterday.

Suzanne, why don't you
just go to that dinner tonight?

I bet you 90% of
the people there

do not know Eugenia is gay.

Oh, Julia, I don't even
care about that anymore.

I have a much better
reason for not wanting to go.

Yeah, what's that?

Because Eugenia
is in love with me.

It's as plain as
a pig in a parlor.

How could you all not see it?

Oh, Suzanne, you're
imagining things.

Mary Jo, she calls
me up on the phone.

She laughs at my jokes.

She invites me to go places.

Oh, no, that does
sound suspicious.

Come on Suzanne. Eugenia's nice.

Don't hurt her feelings.

- You going?
- Oh, Lord, no, no.

I'm going to hide out at
my health club, you know.

Maybe if I drop out of site
for a few days, you know,

Ms. Storm Front will
finally get the message.

Well, I thought Eugenia said

you two were having
lunch together today.

How is she going
to get a hold of you?

She won't. That's
why I'm hiding out.

Well, what are we supposed
to say when she comes back?

I don't know.

Tell her I moved to
Japan to be near Mother.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was kind of hoping
that that would work out

so Suzanne would stop thinking
of me as her best girl friend.

That's a role that I
would happily relinquish.

Sorry, Anthony. It looks
like you retain your status.

Well, there you are, Suzanne.

Oh, what are you doing here?

Didn't they tell
you I was in Japan?

- Well, no.
- Well, I am.

They're a bunch of liars.

They told me you were here.

Suzanne, I think
we need to talk.

I really don't want to
talk about this in here.

In fact, I don't want
to talk about this at all.

Now, no, look, hey, no closer.

Now, I know this
is hard for you,

but try and control yourself.

Now, I'm sorry, but I'm just going
to have to let you down easy now.

I like you, Eugenia.

I just don't like you that way.

I'm never going to
be in love with you,

so I hope you can accept that

and just pick up the shreds
in your life, and carry on.

Is that what you're
worried about, Suzanne?

I know you're straight.

- How can you tell?
- Radar.

I'm glad it shows.

Suzanne, I don't know
what you've heard,

but gay people are not out to
convert the rest of the world.

I'm just your friend.

And even though I'm
free at the moment,

it doesn't mean I'm
desperate enough

to go barking up the wrong tree.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yes, you don't
find me attractive.

Suzanne, you are
a nut, but a nice nut.

You'd probably go for
a more masculine type.

Oh, this is too much.

There should be
three saunas here...

One for men, one for women,

and one for people like you.

I am never coming
back here again.

Oh, who cares what you think?

You got more problems
than lesbians in your sauna!

I guess you got to put up
with a lot of stuff like that, huh?

Not too much.

You know, it really hurts
when it comes from friends.

Oh, no.

I hope you don't
think I'm like that.

Listen, I can accept
you for what you are.

I just don't want you to, you
know, direct it towards me.

I assure you it's the
last thing on my mind.

Well, it didn't have
to be insulting.

Maybe you can tell me something,

I mean, sexually speaking,

I don't get it. I mean, what
the heck is it you people do?

Actually, Suzanne, I
think I'm a lot like you.

What do you mean?

Well, I do whatever is necessary

to get whatever I want
out of a relationship.

Wait, you know, that
just doesn't sound

like the girl who gave
me her fire batons.

I mean, that was so unselfish.

Well, hey, I thought
they were out of juice.

I couldn't believe it
when they still lit up.

I figured if I could
eliminate you, I could win.

[laughs] You know,

I think we're going
to get along okay.

You know, we think an
awful lot alike and everything.

It just occurred to me, too.

If we were to go
around together,

say to that dinner tonight,

well, not only would we be the
two most beautiful women in Atlanta,

but we wouldn't be cutting into
each other's territory, you know.

You'd have yours. I have mine.

That could be okay.

Does that mean
we're on for the dinner?

Yeah.

You know, I think we
are going to be friends.

Well, sure, once I
get my clothes on.

Lookie here.

I am not going to any of those
Sisters of Sapphire meetings.

That's just strange.

But you know what?

We can put a man on the moon.
Why can't we put one on you?

I say we can do it.