04x24 - Foreign Affairs

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

Charlene, I can't believe you let
them deliver this monstrosity here.

If the Halls were not at home,

you should have
just instructed Waco

to take it back
to the warehouse.

I told you Julia, there were
other deliveries to make,

and the Halls promised
they'd be home.

Probably having
their faces lifted.

What is this?

I got a better
question. What is that?

Oh, I stuck myself in
the eye with a pencil.

Smart guy, huh? What is this?

Actually, it's an
Arabian Nights gel bed.

It's filled with this gel stuff

It's supposed to be be
healthier for you to sleep on.

Now, that is tacky.
Who's this for?

Tony and Cassandra Hall,

the most repulsive
couple in America.

Tony and Cassandra Hall.

She's real tan. He's
got those hair plugs.

That's right. Rich Beverly Hills
white trash scum, moved to Atlanta.

[Julia] Mary Jo, don't you
think you're being a little rough?

Actually, I was thinking it
didn't really do them justice.

Anthony, come here.

- Try this out. Tell me what you think.
- I beg your pardon?

Tony hurt his
back weightlifting,

and, you see, he needs it
to be springy but extra firm.

- What do you think?
- Hey, this is all right.

Just how springy does
old Tony need to get?

- Don't ask.
- What do you mean?

Well, she means that Tony
loves to tell us about their sex life,

which apparently has
occurred every day

since they were
married 16 years ago.

Mary Jo, do you
think this is appropriate

to be discussing
in front of Anthony?

Oh, sure, why not?

Anthony has to find
out about sex sometime.

You don't really believe people when
they say they're constantly having sex.

Well, I don't know.

Ted had sex constantly.

He just didn't have it with me.

Anyway, come here.

Try it out, Charlene. Lie
down. What do you think?

Excuse me, but if
I'm bothering you all

by being at work today,

I could just turn out the
lights and go upstairs.

You know, it is really fun
having a bed at the office.

Feels kind of weird.

Yeah, it's kind of like... like
riding around on a big fake breast.

Julia, come on over
here and try it out.

The brochure says it's
supposed to make you relaxed

and relate to each
other in a whole new way.

No, I don't want to
relate in a whole new way.

[Anthony snoring]

Well, Anthony
sure seems relaxed.

Yes, well I'm going to
un-relax him right now.

Oh, Julia, Julia, don't do that.

He was up all night studying
for a world geography test.

I know because he
called me last night

to ask me the capital of Ghana.

You're kidding.
Why did he call you?

Because I knew all
the capitals in the world.

I've known since I was a child.

Really? That's amazing.
I didn't know that.

Why do you know
all the capitals?

Because I love knowledge.
In fact, I yearn for it.

I also know all the
number 1 export crops.

That's incredible.

It's okay.

I grew up sleeping
four in the bed.

An extra arm doesn't bother me.

Hey, I've got an idea.

You come over here,

and we'll displace all the gel

and make Anthony rise up

so that when he wakes up,
he'll be on a great big mound.

[tittering]

All right, that's it. I want
you all out of that bed now.

You know what I
was just thinking of?

I was thinking
about all the things

that Tony and Cassandra
Hall are going to do on this bed.

I mean, here we are
now on the very spot

where hundreds of
sexual acts will take place.

I mean, sexual acts we've
probably never even thought about.

Speak for yourself.

All right, that's it.

I don't want to hear any more

about Tony and
Cassandra Hall or this bed.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

Seriously, I think you all
have just lost your minds.

Suzanne?

What?

Did you lose all your money

in the stock market
or something?

No, I did not, Mary Jo,

and I'm not in the mood
for any of your jokes.

You're probably wondering what
we're doing in this bed together.

No, not really. I've got
bigger things on my mind.

Anthony, look, while
you were asleep,

Suzanne became a poor person.

I am so sorry, y'all.

I just can't
believe I dozed off.

Suzanne, what are
you doing in that getup?

It's a long story, Julia,
but if you must know,

I have an appointment
with Immigration.

Immigration? What are
you going down there for?

I'm going to join the
Peace Corps, Charlene.

I'm going to teach
beauty makeovers.

Now, Suzanne, what is going on?

- Consuela is being deported?
- That's right.

Her work permit expired.
Can you believe it?

Four years of my
life I have given up

nurturing and building a
relationship with my maid,

and now they want to
take it all away from me.

Do you have any idea how
hard it is to set up a household

and find someone who will
cater to all your likes and dislikes?

I know she's into voodoo
and she's temperamental,

but, you know, we
understand each other.

If I want her to make me a peach pie
in the middle of the night, she does it.

If she gets upset and
throws a Kn*fe, I overlook it.

Where's Consuela from anyway?

How should I know, Charlene?

Do I look like the
National Geographic?

No, I was just going
to tell you the capital.

Actually, you look
like Mrs. Khrushchev.

Why are you dressed this way?

Because they ordered
Consuela Valverde

to come down to
Immigration today at 1:30,

and I'm Consuela.

You're kidding. Why?

Because, Anthony,
Conseula can't go.

I mean, first of all,

you have to speak
and understand English

to become a citizen,
and hers is marginal.

Secondly, you got to take a
test at the American Government,

and Consuela can't take tests.

She gets nervous.

I mean, the other day
at the supermarket,

they asked her to compare
some kind of Cheese Whiz.

She became hysterical.

And third, she's been
moaning and wailing

ever since I told
her about this letter.

You told her?

Isn't it addressed to her?

That's right, Charlene.
I read her mail.

I read everyone's mail
who stays at my house.

That's against the law.

Then they should
get their own house.

If you don't like it, report
me to the postal authorities.

I just came by to tell you all

why I won't be
here this afternoon.

Suzanne, you know,
this is outrageous.

You cannot just
march down to the INS

and pretend to be your maid.

Why not?

Well, because, first of all,

I am sure that it's
a federal offense.

Oh, big deal.

So is turning that
little tag off of pillows,

but I'm sure as heck
not going to sleep

with a damn piece of
paper flapping in my ear.

Well, secondly, they are
not going to believe you.

You don't even know
what country you're from.

Well, I got all her papers
and information right in here.

I want Anthony to
go over this with me.

Me? Why me?

Because you're her girlfriend.

Suzanne, I can
tell you right now

that there is a picture of
Consuela on her work permit.

They're going to know
that she's not you.

No, they're not. She lost hers.

[Charlene] Well, they probably
have another one on file.

No, they don't. They're
supposed to, but they can't find it.

I called yesterday. They said she's
going to have another one made,

and when she does, it
will be a picture of me.

Right, then you can be deported.

Julia, don't be ridiculous.

This is just a preliminary
meeting with a Mr. Tremain

to see if Consuela's a
candidate for a green card.

That's the next step.

Then all they have to
do is fill a bunch of forms

and come back later
and take the test.

- What test?
- Citizenship test.

It's real easy. I talked to
a friend of mine's maid.

She said it's just a bunch of stuff
like "Who was Yankee Doodle?"

Who was Yankee Doodle?

Suzanne, excuse
me for being nosy,

but has it occurred to you
that Consuela is Spanish

and you don't even
have an accent?

No, hadn't occurred to
me. That's a good point.

Why, Anthony, you
speak Spanish, don't you?

Thank you, Charlene.

Remind me to return
this favor some day.

That's a great
idea. That's perfect.

Anthony, you could do this.

And, you know, whoever
goes down there today

has to come back
and take the test.

It's perfect because
you're good at taking tests,

and you you speak Spanish.

No hablo español.
Je parle français.

Come on, Anthony.
Please do this for me.

All you got to do is wear this
scarf and this coat, and I'll pay you.

Oh, no, no, no way.

You can just forget about
that. Get it out of your mind.

A thousand dollars.

Well, maybe I
could just try it on.

All right, darling, thank
you for your advice.

Okay, I'll call you
later. Bye-bye.

Well? That was Reese.

Just for your information,

it is federal offense to
falsely represent yourself

to any government agency,

punishable by fines
and/or imprisonment.

[Anthony gasps]

Shh. Don't you
worry. I'll pay your fine.

Are you also going
to go to jail for him?

Oh, he's not going to go to jail

because he's not
going to get caught.

Let's keep that arm down.

[Anthony] Oh, now,
this does not look good.

What do you mean?
This looks great.

I wore this when I was
Miss Azalea Festival.

This makes me look
like Jane Wyman.

Oh... it does not.

Well, what do you think, Julia?

I think you look
like Little Lulu.

And I also think that of all
the stupid, asinine things

you two have done in your time,

this ranks right up there
at the very, very top.

- Amen.
- Uh-uh, Julia.

$1,500... that can help
me pay off my student loan.

Anthony, what are
you thinking about?

What if you get caught?

1,600. Don't listen to her.

Suzanne, there are a
couple of things here

that could give us trouble.

Like what?

Well, it says here that Consuela
is 15 years older than me.

Oh, big deal.

Everybody ages differently.
It don't mean a thing.

You look at that what's
his name, that d*ck Clark.

He's about 105 years
old, looks like a kid.

You don't think d*ck
Clark has got a face lift?

Julia?

I don't know, Charlene.

I think that Hugh Downs has
had some bags or something

taken out in front of his eyes.

Have you all noticed that?

Suzanne, it also says here that
Consuela is Latina, and I'm black.

So big deal.

Latinas come in all shapes,

so you're a little bit darker.

Maybe you've been ill.

As long as you're
talking about differences,

how about Consuela
has never had jock itch?

We'll get this 5:00
shadow beaten down.

You're just going to be perfect.

He looks pretty good.

But your feet and your teeth
are awful big for a woman.

Don't say that, Charlene,

because you're going to
make me self-conscious.

You're not going to go gettin' that silly
nervous laugh of yours again, are you?

No, I certainly hope not.

Oh, Suzanne, she's right.

This just isn't going to work.

It's hopeless.

$2,000.

Now, let's hear your name again.

[high voice] My name
is Consuela Velverde.

Is he great or what?

Oh, goody, there's
two chairs over there.

Why don't you just
sit down over here,

and I'll tell them we're here.

Okay.

By the way, your
hose are falling down.

Oh, gracias.

My ankles are huge.

Consuela Valverde.

Oh, right here.

Oh, me. I'm Consuela Valverde.

I'm Mr. Tremain.

Oh, mucho gusto.

Right this way.

Oh, do you mind
if I come with her?

Oh, are you a relative?

Well, no, I'm her employer,
Suzanne Sugarbaker,

but you see, she gets
very shy if I'm not around.

[speaks Spanish, laughs]

She laughs when she's nervous.

All right, have a seat.

I just want to compliment
you on your promptness.

I mean, you're
certainly not like

the Department
of Motor Vehicles.

I went there once when I
was 16. I never returned.

Not to mention the worst
picture of me I ever had made.

I mean, you talk
about bad lighting.

[guffaws]

I've just been going over
your records, Ms. Valverde,

and the reason for my letter

is that your work
permit has expired,

which makes your status 1A.

That means that you have to
be deported to your native country

or make an application
for a green card,

which would give you
permanent resident status.

Do you understand?

Sí. I think I would like very
much to become a citizen.

Oh, it's true. It's true.

She talks about it all the time,

how she'd just give anything
to become an American citizen

so she could help all the
tired and the sick and the poor.

Of course, she knows all
the worse national anthem.

Have you been in
residence at least four years?

Oh, sí, cuatros años.

- Yes, yes.
- Sí, sí.

I can prove it, too.

Have all her paycheck stubs.

Of course, sometimes I
paid her with old clothes,

but I'm sure that counts, too.

[laughs]

Oh, I am sorry. My
teeth are enormous.

You need to take
this packet home,

read it,

fill out all the forms,
and return them to me.

Your appointment
for the citizenship test

is two weeks from today.

Oh, muchas gracias,
Señor Tremain.

Providing everything
pans out on the FBI check.

Excuse me, por favor,

but did you say FBI check?

That's right. It's just routine.

You don't have to worry

unless, of course,
you've been in prison.

[guffaws]

Oh, we'll have it out
to you in the morning.

All right, bye.

Hey, fantastic, great,
babe. Thanks for calling.

Can you believe it?

Tony says that they
were there all morning

They were just outside.

They're probably making love
under some bush in the yard.

That is another thing
I don't understand,

People who make love outdoors.

I mean, won't you
be embarrassed?

Yeah, Ted made love with
somebody once in our driveway.

I was sure embarrassed.

Remember... Remember when I lived
in yours and Ted's apartment building?

And what was that couple down
the hall? What was their names?

- Eric and Shannon.
- That's right. That's right.

You know, sometimes,
when Ted was out of town,

I would spend the
night with Mary Jo.

Well, the hot tub for
the whole complex

was right outside their bedroom,

and every Saturday night,
about 1 a.m., we'd hear,

[Charlene and Mary Jo]
"Oh, Eric. Oh, Eric. Oh, Eric.

Yes, yes, yes."

Charming story.

Julia, we don't do this stuff.

We're just relaying information.

I guess we have been
a little tacky today.

We do seem to tell tacky stories
a lot, and I don't understand it.

Basically, we're
very nice girls.

We don't talk nearly
as bad as men, though.

I mean, men talk terrible.

Men say things like

"Yeah, I'm going to go out
and get me some tonight."

Mary Jo, I don't know
any men who say that.

Oh, yeah, Reese talks
like that all the time.

I wonder what's keeping
Suzanne and Anthony.

Charlene, are you serious?

A 6-foot black man
dressed like Hazel

just left here with Suzanne.

He's co-conspirator

to defraud and deceive the
United States government,

and you're wondering
what's keeping them?

Well, it's been 3 1/2 hours.

I don't think you have
to wonder anymore.

I think it's pretty obvious.
They are in prison.

Anthony, don't be ridiculous.

Don't pull a check
on Consuela, not you.

No way, man.

When they start bringing
in the FBI, the deal is off.

- What happened?
- Nothing happened.

Couldn't have gone better.

Mr. Tremain loved Consuela.

I think he wants to ask you out.

Right, Suzanne.

What do you think
attracted him the most?

The shoes or the shopping bag?

We do have a date to take
the citizenship test, don't we?

No, we don't.

I'm out of this, and I'll tell
you something else, too.

You can have your
big old bra back.

Suzanne, I'm sure this
would be of no concern to you,

but what was that about the FBI?

Nothing, nothing.

They're running a little
background check on Consuela.

It has nothing at all
to do with Anthony.

Oh, yeah, but I'm running
around in her coat and scarf

and carrying her
birth certificate.

All right, $2,500.

That is my final offer.

Suzanne, where are you getting
all this money to throw away?

Oh, she got a bunch
of back alimony checks.

Charlene, I don't think that's
anybody else's business.

I read everybody's mail
that crosses my desk.

If you don't like it,
get your own desk.

Anthony, you can't
quit on me now.

Mr. Tremain thinks
you're Consuela.

You have to take the test.

No, I don't.

Now... Now, you
fill out the forms,

and I take them down
to Tremain, but that's it.

You take the test yourself.

Tremain is not giving
it. I read the form.

It's going to be in
another building.

Listen, I got to
do the interview.

Well, then, will you
help me study for it?

Yes, I will Suzanne,

but you have to promise
to study very hard.

This is nothing to
fool around with.

If you don't pass that test,
Consuela could be deported.

Well, hey, how hard could it be.

It's probably the stuff like who
made the first American flag,

and even I do know that.

Yeah? Who was it?

Betty Crocker.

Charlene, has the mail come?

Suzanne, what makes you so sure

that your test results
are coming today?

Because I took it a
week ago Tuesday,

and they said it never takes
more than a week to come in.

Hi, is this Salvation Army?

Hi, this is Sugarbakers
Design firm.

We have a bed that
a customer ordered

and then refused delivery on.

Eh...

I don't know. They found
a sandbox they liked better.

Anyway, it's been four
weeks, and we can't sell it,

so we've decided
to take a loss on it

and donate it to you.

Mm-hm. It's 1521 Sycamore.

Thanks so much.

Now I'm going
to kind of miss it.

Not me.

Mail call.

- Ha!
- What?

What? Did it come?

No, we got a postcard from
Tony and Cassandra Hall.

They're in Bimini.

Probably making love
on some coral reef.

I hope they scrape their knees.

I hope sharks eat them.

- [Charlene] Julia.
- I hate that bed.

What is the hold up, Charlene?

It's got to be in
there somewhere.

Oh, there it is. There is it.

- Come on, give it to me.
- All right, all right,
all right...

Oh, no. No, never mind.

No, I can't. I can't
look. You open it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right. Calm down.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- You ready?
- Yes.

All right.

Kind of like being in the
old isolation booth, isn't it?

Charlene, just read it.

Okay.

This is to inform you
that Consuela Valverde...

Hm.

Yes! Yes, you
passed! You passed!

- Oh.
- Oh, thank you, Lord.

Great.

Look, look right
there. You got a 76.

76, that's wonderful.

I bet you I was a valedictorian.

Well, actually, that was
one point above failing.

Oh, who cares? I passed.

Now Consuela can
stay with me forever.

Oh, look, look, you got a
nice note from Julius Tremain.

"Dear Miss Valverde,
congratulations on your test results.

"I look forward to seeing
you at the swearing in.

Best regards, Julius Tremain."

Swearing in?

What the hell is that?

That's when you take
the oath of citizenship

before a federal judge, Suzanne.

You didn't know about that?

No.

I knew that. I read
it in your brochure.

Well, I don't read brochures.

I can't go to any swearing in.

Mr. Tremain knows me
as Suzanne Sugarbaker.

He thinks Anthony is Consuela.

No way. No way, Suzanne.

I did my part. I paid my dues.

- Now, that's it.
- Anthony, you have to.

You can't quit now,

not when Consuela is
this close to being a citizen.

I mean it, Suzanne.
I am not going,

especially not now that
Mr. Tremain has written me that note.

I mean, that's not normal.

What are you talking about?

Well, maybe it's like you
said. You said he liked me.

Maybe he wants to take me out.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I only
said that to make you feel better.

Now, you're going
and that's final.

Well, I'm not going,
and that's final.

I'm not wearing a wig,
I'm not wearing a bra,

I'm not wearing any hose.

I'm not going and that's final.

"I will support and
defend the Constitution

"and laws of these
United States of America

"against all enemies,
foreign and domestic,

and will bear true faith
and allegiance to the same."

I pronounce you citizens

of the United States of America.

[sighs]