04x28 - La Place sans Souci

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

[Charlene] Want to say hi
to Grandma and Grandpa?

You know how to say hi?

Say hello. Say hi.

Okay. Give the
phone back to Mama.

Okay.

Oh, she would have said more,

but she was up late reading.

Ha! Uh-huh.

Oh, we miss y'all, too.

No, Bill's out on
maneuvers till Monday.

- Hi, Suzanne.
- Hi.

Suzanne just came in.

Uh-huh.

Yes, she's still on her diet,
but we don't talk about it.

No, no, Daddy. She doesn't
have her pig anymore.

It ran off.

Did you get my letter
about her sh**ting Anthony?

Well, I... I better
get off the phone.

So give a big hug to
Harry Thomas for me

and Marlene and
Harlene and Darlene

and Frank and Dwayne and Odell

and Virgil and
Robert, and Billy Hugh.

Okay?

We love you. Yeah.

Olivia loves you, too.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You know, Charlene,
I would appreciate it

if in the future
you would refrain

from pointing out the
details of my private life

during your
hillbilly love fests.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, please.

The way y'all call each other

and love each other
and miss each other.

You should do a
commercial for AT&T.

Oh, I love that one where
the GI's stationed abroad

and he calls his mother

and the announcer says, "You
don't have to be a mama's boy

to just love the sound
of your mama's voice."

I just have to fall
face-down and cry

until I soak my pillow.

I just thought I'd check.

Would you like me to
take Olivia for her nap now?

Oh, okay. Thanks, Mrs. Philpott.

I'll be up to feed
her in a few minutes.

Okay, sweetheart. Hi, darling.

Boy, she sure got a cushy job.

What do you mean?

I mean I can't believe
all she has to do

is stand around and
stare at that kid all day.

I mean, if she was
working for me,

she'd be the one
nursing that baby.

Suzanne, Mrs. Philpott is
a little old to be a wet nurse.

Well, if I was the parent

with the kind of
money you're paying,

she'd be figuring out a
way to get that milk flowing

or she'd be gone.

Suzanne, I don't want
to discuss it anymore.

- Okay?
- Fine with me.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

I guess you also don't
want to discuss the fact

that I'm about to give you

and Mary Jo and
Julia and Anthony

probably one of the best
weekends of your entire life,

all expenses paid.

I can't quite put
my finger on it,

but I don't like
the sound of that.

You don't even know what it is.

I don't have to.

I know anytime that you offer
me an all-expense-paid weekend,

what you really want is
a chauffeur and a valet.

I just happen to have
made reservations

at a health and beauty spa
for all of us this weekend,

and you're included
because it's co-ed,

and it's also
because I sh*t you,

and I still feel bad about that.

Hey, no problem.

I'm off the crutches.

Now it's just a slight limp.

Well, you can count me out.

Ted's got the kids this weekend.

I'm doing my spring cleaning.

I'm sorry, but you
can count me out, too.

After this last week

finishing up Lloyd
and Lou Ellen's house,

I just want to go to bed.

Well, where is
this place anyway?

It's about a half hour
outside of Warm Springs.

I think I read about this.

Do they have these
thermal mud baths?

Yeah. They got the
best mud in the world.

Well, what's the name of it?

La Place Sans Sucky.

Suzanne, I think you might
mean La Place Sans Souci,

as in The Place of No Worry.

Well, Julia, I don't know
anything about French.

I just thought it'd be nice,

after how hard everybody's
worked on this last job,

if we all went away
together, you know,

kind of relax, get rejuvenated.

Olivia and Mrs.
Philpott can come,

and, Charlene, you've been
wanting to lose some of that baby fat,

and I could work on my diet,

and, Julia, you're having
dental surgery next week.

Didn't Dr. Lanning tell
you to gain a few pounds?

No. He... I don't know.
He said it wouldn't hurt.

Gee, my gynecologist thought
I was a little underweight, too.

Maybe I should go
and fatten up a little bit.

This place is supposed
to have great food?

Oh, yeah. Now, they also have
swimming and tennis and golf.

Golf?

Oh, so you mean this place

is kind of like a,
you know, a resort?

Yes, it's like a
combination spa and resort.

So what do you say?

Well, speaking for myself,

I say, "Sans Sucky,
here we come."

[Mary Jo] Charlene and
Suzanne must be on some hike.

You know, I felt kinda bad
at the weigh-in yesterday

when they both got put on the
stringent weight-loss program.

Mary Jo, we are
here to gain weight.

They are here to lose it.

I, for one, am not going to
sit around worrying about it.

That was the agreement.

Thank you so much.
That was so nice.

Well, look who just blew in.

It's Flo Jo and Wilma Rudolph.

Very funny, very funny.

Oh.

You know, the brochure
described that hike

as an invigorating nature walk.

Please. Who can look at nature?

I mean, it's like running
through the woods

with your pants on fire.

Listen, we made a
serious mistake here.

I don't want to be in the
heavy-duty group anymore.

Let's see if we can't
get in that group

called Women Over 65.

I mean, I wouldn't
have come to this place

if I'd known they had
it in for big people.

Suzanne, they do
not have it in for you.

Oh, yeah? How come
you all get massages?

We get beaten with vines.

They're not vines. It's seaweed.

It's supposed to break
down your cellulite.

It's good for you.

Suzanne, I would appreciate

if you quit referring
to me as a big person.

I happen to have
just had a baby.

Yes, Charlene. I am
well aware of that.

You have now told
everyone in our group

that you have just had a baby.

I guess the implication is

that the rest of us are
just fat and childless.

Suzanne, I know you
won't lose that much weight

in three days,

but at least you can
learn about better nutrition,

get on a different course.

I mean Anthony was kind
enough to drive us all down here,

and he seems to be
having a wonderful time.

Oh, yeah. He had a great
big goofy grin on his face

as he waved at
us from his golf cart

as we were hiking
across the ninth green.

I should have just
gotten out my g*n

and blown his little tires out.

I just think, you know,

since I'm paying
for everything here,

I should be entitled to
at least one square meal

and a little fun.

Suzanne, a square meal is
not a part of your program.

I mean, what did you expect?

I expected more
than a little shrimp

and a sprig of dill on
a cucumber, Mary Jo.

Who cares if it's got
some fancy French name

and a little sauce on it.

It is still a little shrimp.

Quite frankly, it's
not enough fuel

for a person who's
then expected to go off

and climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

Et trois, et quatre, très bien.

Très bien.

All right. That's
enough for now.

Because you are all here
for the weekend program only,

we are now going to
evaluate and critique

your personal exercise program.

That way, we can
redesign a program

for you to take home

which will fit your
specific exercise needs.

[chatter]

I have a personal
exercise regime.

Does it count walking the dog?

[teacher] You, there.

Do you have a personal
exercise program?

[Julia, laughing] I'm sorry.

It's just she's my sister.

It's kind of a family joke.

She's notorious
for being sedentary.

Well, actually, yes.

I do have a personal regime
that I do every morning.

Would you mind to
show it to me? Hmm?

Well, it would be kind
of hard without my baton.

Excusez-moi. Did you say baton?

It's what she used to
twirl in beauty pageants.

Why don't you show me?

Okay.

Of course, I don't have my baton

so I'm just going
to have to pretend.

And I also don't have
my music with me,

so I'll just have to hum it.

Now, usually, I do this

to the tune of
"St. Louis Blues."

Okay.

[humming]

Boom-ba-doom,
boom-ba-doom, boom-ba-doom.

[continues humming]

Boom-ba-doom,
boom-ba-doom, boom-ba-doom.

[continues humming]

[Julia] This is
absolutely incredible.

I had no idea she did this.

Boom-ba-doom,
boom-ba-doom, boom-ba-doom.

Oh, I did. She's done this
for me a whole bunch of times.

[humming]

♪ Da ♪

[Anthony laughing]

Anthony sure seems
to be enjoying himself.

Well, I just hope he's
not embarrassing us.

I don't think he's been anywhere

this expensive before.

You know, Suzanne,

if I had just twirled
an imaginary baton

while humming "St. Louis Blues"

in front of 15 total strangers,

I don't think I'd be
worrying all that much

about Anthony embarrassing us.

You know, Julia,

I want you and Mary Jo
to get off my case now.

I'm serious now.

You all have a big
plate of food right there,

so why don't you
just chow down on it?

Come on, y'all, Let's not fight.

It's giving me indigestion.

It's not from fighting.

It's from eating tofu and kelp.

Come on, Suzanne.

You knew what this
was when you came here.

I mean, you said you
wanted to lose weight.

What is the problem?

The problem is, Mary Jo,

this is costing me
$1,000.00 a day,

and I am not, repeat,
not having a good time.

I didn't know I was going to
have to live on raw vegetables

and be tortured 24 hours a
day and beaten with reeds.

Hell, if I wanted to
have this much fun,

I could have stayed home and
had Consuela p*stol-whip me.

Oh, no. Here they come again.

I hope they're not
planning on sitting with us.

Who?

Those obnoxious
women from Beverly Hills.

I thought they were interesting.

I hate to be
cruel, but I believe

that those are ugliest outfits
I've ever seen in my life.

No kidding.

I think they got
them at Whores R Us.

I kind of like them.

You kind of would.

In case you didn't notice,
Charlene, that was an insult.

It was not.

Oh, sure, it was.

You and Julia are always
making snide remarks

about Charlene and me,

but evidently, you just think

that we are too dumb to notice.

You know what
they said, Charlene?

You know, "Big
boobs, tiny brains."

Oh, now, come on.
That was 50 years ago.

All I know is that you
two have sure been touchy

ever since we got here.

Touchy in what way?

Like when you got mad

when we laughed at
you in exercise class.

Well, you were rude.

I don't think there's
anything funny

about doing the five ballet
positions every morning.

I got it out of a ballerina book

that my daddy bought me
secondhand when I was a little girl.

Now I feel really crummy.

Yeah, well, you should, Mary Jo,

laughing at Charlene
just because she's poor.

Why don't you just call up her
mama and daddy in Poplar Bluff

and say "Ha ha, you're poor,"

and then laugh like a big
old donkey on the phone?

Suzanne, for crying out loud,

just because you're
not having a good time,

you're just absolutely hell bent

on trying to start something.

Well, I've just about
had enough for one day.

Now, until you can stop
your obnoxious disposition,

I think Mary Jo and I
can just take our dinner

back to the room.

Good. I'm sure the
waitress will be happy

to bring you an
elephant bag to go.

Boy, that thermal mud
bath is incredible, isn't it?

Doesn't it make
your skin feel great?

Oh, it sure does.

Suzanne, you don't
know what you missed.

What'd you do
while we were gone?

Oh, I just stayed in, rested.

What'd you think I did, slow
dance with Mrs. Philpott?

Suzanne, I thought we were
going to work on a new attitude.

Yeah, right.

Charlene, I'm really glad
you're not mad at us anymore.

I mean, we didn't mean to
laugh at your ballet positions.

- It's okay.
- Come on, Julia.

Get up here to this table.

We're going to play
the Trivial Pursuit game.

Trivial Pursuit? What for?

Oh, because you all thought
you were so smart last week

b*ating Charlene
and me at Jeopardy!

I just decided to bring
along Trivial Pursuit.

I don't believe I
will, thank you.

I'm re-reading an old classic.

Oh, come on. It's
just a dumb book.

It is not a dumb book, Suzanne.

You don't even know what
A Farewell to Arms is about.

Well, I guess it's about
some guy who lost his arms.

Come on over here. Let's play.

Charlene and I will
stand the two of you.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Come on, let's do it if
it will make her happy.

Oh, all right.

Although I must say,

I don't mean to sound
cocky or anything,

but I just want to remind you

that last week, when
we played Jeopardy!,

Julia and I did win
about $2,500.00

and you all only won 90,

so if that happens again,

I just don't want
you all to be mad.

We won't get mad.

Why are you so anxious
to play this game?

How do we know you haven't
been looking at the answers?

Well, you can see for
yourself I just opened it.

Charlene, can I see you
for a moment, please?

Oh, Suzanne, it
isn't going to work.

We have to plan our strategy.

Now, if you don't know
something, don't worry.

Just ask me. I know
all the answers.

How?

Because I got two
Trivial Pursuit games.

The other one's at home.

Consuela helped me to
memorize all the answers.

Why?

Why? So we can b*at them.

You know how
they're always acting

like they're smarter than us.

Julia's done it
to me all my life,

and Mary Jo does it to you, too.

Well, Suzanne, that's cheating.

Oh, big deal.

I don't think of it as cheating.

I think of it as the revenge
of the big dumb girls.

They've been kicking
us around long enough.

Now that we're
up here all alone,

it's the perfect
time to get them.

I don't know. I don't like it.

Well, I don't care
what you like.

I have gone to a hell
of a lot trouble here.

You just keep your mouth
shut and do what I say.

Suzanne, I don't think I like
the way you're talking to me.

Oh, don't get all huffy.

Just come on. We
need each other.

Let's just get in there and
kick some you-know-what.

[Mary Jo] Come on. Are
y'all going to play or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're definitely playing.

Let's get rid of those
milk shakes, okay?

All right. Does
everybody know the rules?

- Julia doesn't.
- Yes, I do.

I've played with Payne.

Okay. Suzanne, you go first.

6.

All right.

"Science and Nature."

Okay.

What is the chemical
term for plaster of Paris?

Oh, that's easy.

Calcium sulfate hemihydrate.

[Charlene] 3, 4, 5.

Geography.

Okay.

"Before it gained
independence in 1964,

Zambia was known by this name."

We have to consult.

Go ahead, Charlene.
They don't know it.

We're working on it.
We're working on it.

We got it. Zaire.

Wrong.

Oh, please. Northern Rhodesia.

Everybody knows that.

I can't believe y'all have
lost nine games in a row.

- Don't you want to quit?
- Us? Are you kidding?

We... We're just
getting warmed up.

Well, I think your
heater's a little slow.

Suzanne, now, I don't think

there's any reason
to be ugly about this.

They just can't stand to face
the fact that we whipped them.

I guess the big dumb girls

aren't so big and
dumb after all.

[dice rolling, land on board]

4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

We're in, we're in, we're in.

[Suzanne, Charlene laugh]

All right. What do you think?

Art and Literature.

Art and Literature. Ahem.

If you get this,
I'll eat your kelp.

"What is the first line

of the Daniel Defoe
classic Robinson Crusoe?"

"I was born in the year
1632 in the City of York."

This is correct.

[Charlene] Yes, that's the game!

Yay! Da da-da-da
da-da-da da-da-da!

She's cheating.

I don't know how, but
she's definitely cheating.

Oh, now, let's not be bad sport.

Suzanne, I find it more
than a little strange

that Daddy had to hire a tutor
to get you through Ole Miss,

and now, all of a sudden,

you know the two
suborders of primates

and the technically
correct name of Greenland?

Okay, you guys are up.

3.1, 2, 3.

Charlene, you don't have
to count for us every time.

- We do know how.
- All right,
I'm sorry, Mary Jo.

- Just trying to be helpful.
- It's okay, Charlene.

They just can't
take the pressure.

Look at those tense
lines in their faces.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

- We're completely relaxed.
- That's right.

Don't forget, we were lying
around having massages

while y'all were
climbing a mountain.

Oh, that is low. That is low.

That one's going to cost you.

Go get 'em, Charlene.

"This anthropologist
wrote Patterns of Culture."

Margaret Mead.

Wrong.

Oh, please. Ruth Benedict.

So anyway, I just took it back,

and I said, "Look, even
though I did buy it on sale,

"I am not paying
$200 for a silk blouse

that has perspiration
stains on it."

Good for you.

[Charlene] Suzanne,
Suzanne, wake up, wake up.

Julia and Mary
Jo are suiting up.

So?

Well, let's be nice.

I hate it when they
aren't speaking to us.

They're just sore losers.

They know we cheated.

I'm going to confess.

You do, and you'll
be eating mud pie.

I cannot believe we
stayed up all night

playing that ridiculous game.

I know they cheated.

It's too bad there's
only one mud tub.

We have to sit with them.

Hi, Edie. Hi, Marla.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Mind if we scoot
in here with you?

Oh, go ahead.

Go ahead. You're
just so little and tiny,

it won't matter at all.

Can I get you ladies anything?

Oh yes. We're trying
to put on some weight.

Could we possibly have

a couple of those
macadamia nut sundaes

with yogurt and fudge topping?

And go extra heavy
on the whipped cream.

Right.

And maybe a cherry
on top would be nice.

- All set.
- Hm. Good idea.

That sounds good.
Bring me one of those.

May I see your card, please?

What card?

Well, the card that specifies
which program you're on.

Forget it.

Julia, I don't want y'all
to be mad at us anymore.

I have something to tell you.

Charlene, you are going under.

Go ahead, Charlene.

We'll protect you.

What do you want to say?

We cheated. Suzanne
memorized all the answers

from another game
before we got here.

I knew it.

I can't believe you're
doing this to me!

I did everything right!

I ate the rose radish. I
climbed the mountain.

I'm in this balloon
suit. I drank Vegemite,

and I just wanted to
win one stupid game!

You wouldn't let me. You
wouldn't keep your mouth shut.

Oh!

Oh, Suzanne,

I am really sorry you
did that, you know,

because now I'm going to
have to do the same to you!

You know what gets me, Suzanne?

That you thought you
could get away with it.

Did you two really expect
us to believe that you knew

that the first woman in space
was Valentina Tereshkova?

Now, Mary Jo, I did happen
to know that one on my own.

Oh, come on, Charlene.

Maybe a statue of Elvis on Mars,

but Valentina Tereshkova?

See, see, see. Now,
do you believe me?

I told you you can't trust them.

You can't be nice to them.

- Hey, Suzanne.
- What?

Oh!

Okay, that's it.

As far as I'm
concerned, this is w*r.

[all shouting]

That's for keeping
us up all night.

This is for being a
know-it-all jackass!

Suzanne, you've always
gotten out of cleaning the house,

and now you're going to get it!

Aah! What the hell
is going on here?

You get off of me!

You girls are crazy!

[all screaming]

Ladies, please.

Pull the security alarm.

- Stop it!
- [alarm rings]

[screaming]

[Man] I cannot believe this.

You people are animals.

Boy, I tell you,

I know y'all didn't have
that good of a time,

but that was one of the
best weekends I've ever had.

And that staff.

They just made me feel so good

the way they just
went on and on...

"Oh, Anthony, we
just hate to see you go.

Can't you please just
stay just a few more days?"

Of course, I guess when
you got to go, you got to go.

Especially when the
people that you came with

get asked to leave.

It's kind of funny the
way things work out.

I mean, here Suzanne was
worried about me embarrassing you,

and then the four
of you turn around

and get involved in
this hellacious cat fight

in the middle of a big mud tub

and do $1,200 worth of damages.

Go figure it.

[horn honks]

Hey, what the heck?

So you can't go
back there anymore.

I can still send
you a post card.

[honking]

Why does everybody
keep staring at us?

Well, Suzanne, we look odd.

But then again, I
suppose in my heart,

I always knew someday
we would end up like this.

[Mary Jo] What do you mean?

I mean, well, it's
kind of fitting, isn't it?

Here we are, going
down the highway

into the dark Georgia night...

Four aging Southern belles...

w*r-torn hair, dirty
faces, a nanny, a baby,

and a crippled black male.