03x02 - Choose Your w*apon

[bunniefuu]

[PLAYFUL SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- Marial, Marial!
- Hmm.

- Don't think about it.
- I'm not.

f*cking Catherine.

Right. See, I knew it!

- [SIGHS] We are also in the salon.
- Yeah.

Do you know if there's milk?

- f*cking hell.
- GRIGOR: Sorry.

George is in the apartment and Maxim...

It feels wrong in front of a kid.

It's all gonna be fine.

Yes, of course it is.

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

And just where have you been?

Shut up and sleep, Maxim.

[SIGHS]

[SYMPHONIC THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PETER GROANS, SIGHS]

What are you thinking about?

Work.

I must be a different leader, led
by savvy head and not naïve heart.

That's how I always did it.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not the child bride
who took this place,

and, yes, my idealism and
speechifying has a place,

but so does winning the battles,

so that progress is not all
shimmering, ephemeral words,

but of stone and wood.

Uh-uh, so good at words.

It's pathological.

I must stop.

What about you?

What are your morning thoughts, husband?

Salt.

If you infused it with
flavor, for instance, uh,

lemon or thyme or chocolate, perhaps.

To go mad for a moment.

Indeed.

Uh, also, I don't think
I can sleep here anymore.

I stabbed a man here. We might
have to sleep in my apartments.

Understood.

Oh, I was hoping to walk
in on you making a baby.

I'm willing. No?

I could tell when Peter
the Great put Igor in me.

I felt a searing
throughout my entire body,

like a comet had landed inside me,
and a burning behind my eyeballs.

I blacked out, and when I
came to, he was smiling at me,

and I could smell sulfur.

Gosh.

Apparently the British
ambassador's here to see you.

Johnny's here? I love Johnny.

To see me.

- Well, I'll come along.
- Yes, you may.

Sounded like you're almost
granting me permission.

- It's the way you heard it.
- Yeah, must have been.

As I am a man of fierce blood
and intent, who does as he wishes.

And I am the head of state

who must meet a man who is here
on business with the head of state.

- Moi.
- Well, touchette, and touchette moi.

Both those are not words.

This sounds deliciously
like foreplay to me.

I can tell Peter is hard from here.

Oh! Hmm. I am indeed.

I will see the ambassador
in half an hour,

once I have ridden some
sense into my husband.

Marvelous.

No?

- No.
- No, no.

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

[GROANING]

I could, perhaps, take you from
behind, if you wish, while you watch.

The plaintive, apologetic
quality of the asking

ruins the thrill of the
suggested event, so no.

[BOTH SIGHING]

No comet, I'm afraid.

Come and say a quick hello to Johnny.

I was always going to. Mm.

One rule between us.

Don't f*ck and k*ll any more relatives?

Two rules then.

That, and do not get in my business.

Know your place, which is right
where you are at this moment.

It is a place I am content in.

The burden of Russia is
yours. I never cared for it.

Hmm.

Sex-infused salt. There'd
be a market for that.

[CATHERINE GIGGLES]

- JOHNNY: Peter.
- Johnny!

Rumors swirl that you're dead.

I'm not, but it is gratifying to see

the look of joy and
fear in people's eyes

as they lay eyes on me,

some hopeful I'm just
a ghost haunting them.

[JOHNNY CHUCKLES]

- Welcome, I...
- Waltz with me.

- [LAUGHS] What a night that was.
- Ha-ha!

- Going, going, going, going, going.
- And down you go! Oh!

Gentlemen, as entertaining and
foolish as this is, I have a busy day.

Darling, can you go tend to baby Paul?

Arrange for us to move to my apartments.

And I believe the girls' school
were hoping you could attend

their Choosing Relevant Ribbons Day.

Of course. Sounds marvelous.

I rode that one until he begged
for mercy this morning. [CHUCKLES]

Whoo!

- Huzzah.
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

Ah, Empress.

Mm, you noticed? How nice. Sit, speak.

How can Russia help England today?

Your reputation precedes you.

Blood on my hands, brains in my head,

lust in the eyes of any
man who lays eyes on me?

Well, I say.

I say, I'm busy.

So let's quit the pleasantries

your country hides its
monstrous appetite for blood,

money, and other people's land
behind, and you get to the point.

Well, I couldn't imagine how you
bested Peter, but perhaps now I can.

The American colony.

The w*r of Independence.

We really don't like
it referred to as that.

We call it "The Ingratitude."

It's basically a peasants' revolt.

A firm hand is needed.

We have them battered after
that latest round of battles,

but not quite beaten.

It is in all monarchies' interests
to put this idea in the ground,

along with all who believe it.

- What do you want from us?
- , soldiers.

Overwhelm them with numbers.

One last as*ault should do it.

Sow the fields with their blood
and let discipline be the crop.

And why would I do that?

- Do you know the island Menorca?
- Off Spain.

All yours.

Beautiful, I go there twice a year

to be naked in the sea, eating oranges.

Nothing better.

Sounds not enough.

Add in a friendship and alliance

with Europe's greatest power
that Russia has oft sought.

Huzzah.

Oh, shame.

This is a good opportunity for you.

I can see you're savvy.

Well spotted, sir.

I will consider it. You may go.

Leave the cup.

Put this under your tongue.

It's bile taken from a pregnant beaver.

It will open your ovaries
like Jesus' tomb on day three.

I'm not sure I'm quite ready
to be pregnant again. I'm busy.

An heir and a spare?
Safety in numbers always.

Plus, Peter has finally
revealed a talent.

Fatherhood.

Keep him busy so you can work.

Always working the
situation, aren't you?

Always expressing my love
through considered action, yes.

You are a role model to the new me.

- Aw.
- England wants a favor.

Wants to give us Menorca for
troops for the American w*r.

The American ambassador is here.

I mean, they're not a country,

so what the f*ck is he
doing calling himself that?

"A guy from America is
here" might be better.

Fascinating.

We best keep them apart.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

Russia!

Pass the tomato purée.

[IMITATING g*nf*re]

- Maxim.
- There's been a m*ssacre.

- [STRAINING] I'm going.
- You are not.

- What?
- I forbid you to go.

[LAUGHS]

Don't try my patience, wife.

- Maxim.
- I can smell him on you.

Really? [SNIFFING]

Oh. You really can. Oh,
that's quite dreamy, actually.

I have to be nicer to him.

Thanks.

- You walk out of here and...
- Bye, have a fun day.

She makes a fool of you at court.

Must be hard to concentrate on blessing

when men are on their knees before you.

That's what prayers are for.

Help me with Catherine.

Go to that f*cking heinous bitch and
shake some f*cking sense into her.

Might I counsel a little more
patience and a little less profanity?

She likes you at the moment, is that it?

Yes, and that's the way I like it.

I need the church to be her
friend so she will be its friend.

You just need to bide your
time. Busy yourself at court.

Work on your marriage.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Couldn't resist, could you?

Make sure you grow together as a
couple, and when his balls drop,

let's have a party, send
him to m*llitary school.

That's funny.

Catherine, talk to her.

Marial, you are someone who,

once in a person's heart,
creates an irreplaceable space.

Let her feel that empty
space, and she'll come back.

Don't go dance in the wound.

You're right, of course.

Always am. It's a gift.

I'll just...

take a breath.

I'm telling you, Empress,

I get fire in my blood and tears
in my eyes when I talk about it.

We the people deciding our own lives,

the people communing and creating

a vision splendid of
the society they want.

Gathering together and exercising
their desires, their highest values.

"We the people."

It's like a grand experiment.

That's exactly it.

I have watched you try and fail here.

Oh, I...

Your idealism, it glows bright,

but trying to lead a people out
of a swamp of hundreds of years

of "this is how it's
done," it's f*ckin' hard.

So my failures are forgivable?

Noble is what they are.

And now that I've met you,
I know that you will prevail.

You've got that "it" thing.

I do, indeed.

And will indeed.

I like that you are
trying to forge an alliance

between passionate idealism
and the practical art of, um...

Getting sh*t done. That's how we say it.

Exactly. I am engaged in the
art of getting sh*t done also.

Can I just stop for a second? Because
you are distractingly beautiful.

I need to take a moment with it.

Let me know when you're done.

g*dd*mn and wow, I am not done.

Whew!

But the business of my people demands

that I ask for loans and
supply of arms from Russia.

They hammered us
pretty bad, and us them.

We're short of weapons, but we are

on the motherfuckin' cusp of victory.

I see, and you would
like us to furnish them.

We the people would love it.

And then Russia and America
will be bonded forever.

Excuse me... handsome
person, I need a moment.

I'm busy, clearly.

I don't care. You f*cking owe me.

You sit here because of me,

and now you love him and he
fucks your mother, and kills her,

and I'm the one who's punished?

Excuse me, Ambassador.

I made a commitment to the mentally
ill in Russia and must abide by it.

Admirable.

Sometimes if you shine bright
light in their eyes, it calms them.

Ah, I'll try it if she gets out of hand.

Worst case, a sound b*ating calms them.

- Did you want something?
- To make the f*cking peace.

- Consider it not done.
- I'm sorry.

I meant to be calm. [LAUGHS]

Look, you and I both know I...

make an irreplaceable
space in your heart

and you're going to want me back.

I haven't noticed that so far.

I have noticed a sense of liberation,
from unloading secrets to someone

who will mangle, manhandle, and
crush my heart at their whim.

Whim?

I'm at your f*cking whim, Empress,
so don't talk to me about whim.

I have business.

So he gets forgiven
and I get, "f*ck you"?

You're his f*cking... cockpuppet.

Guards, escort Marial...
elsewhere than in my sight.

Oh, come... Uh... [GROANING]

I suppose now we can
agree my advice was sage.

Agreed.

Let me just say it again.

"We the people." Ooh!

Does it not make your blood sing?

They will start their
founding document with it.

We need a founding document.

Uh, we are already founded.

And do we care about these beaver
traders against the English?

The British will win.
They're bloodthirsty.

A cup of blood and a cup of tea.

We should side with the British.

Building a country from the ground up,

from first enlightenment principles,

without the mud of the
past dragging you backwards.

All men and women equal,

letting all pursue their
happiness as they see fit.

I just heard a pretty good
description of anarchy.

The British are a good friend to have.

They sided against us
with Sweden and it hurt us.

They come out as allied with
us, no one fucks with us.

We might need their help
against the Ottomans.

What could the Americans do for us?

Bunch of raccoon traders
and religious maniacs.

ARCHIE: Very cult-like, the whole thing.

No central authority to curtail
the spot fires of madness

that pop up everywhere humans
are gathered in the name of God.

We're helping them.

Yeah. Orlo will have a view.

- Is he... ?
- I don't know.

I think he left.

Abandoned the cause.

There was always a lack
of marrow to his spine.

I saw a look of great dissatisfaction

in Katya's eye after a night with him.

Occasionally, I found her
pleasuring herself in the chapel.

Shut up, Archie.

To the task at hand, though.

The British, very bad enemy to have.

I'm going to find Orlo.

- Lemon.
- Orange.

No, a heady f*cking mix of both. Mm.

That on some eel, imagine.

- Amazing.
- Mm.

Arkady, you want to pay
some attention over here?

Mm, that looks bad.

It smells f*cking rank.
I'm doing a salt tasting.

- Maybe do this elsewhere?
- Can you fix it, Vinodel?

Of course, medicine
advances all the time.

Maggots.

Maggots? In my stomach?

They will eat the necrotic
flesh, and you'll be good as new.

Fascinating. Can we watch?

Of course.

Probably two spoonfuls.

- GRIGOR: f*ckin' hell, look at 'em.
- Ohhh! Ohhh!

Grigor Piotr Vasily Dymov.

Maxim, how are you?
Look at these maggots.

Can you lean down, please, Grigor?

- Lower.
- What are you...

I must defend my honor.

We will duel, sir, and I
will have my satisfaction.

- A duel! Ha! Brilliant.
- [COURTIERS LAUGHING]

I'm not f*cking dueling you, Maxim!

[COURTIERS SIGH]

What are you talking about?

- Pick the f*cking glove up, Grigor.
- Don't be a lob cock.

- He's .
- .

- See ya in the forest, fuckhead.
- COURTIER: Whoo!

- Don't eat that.
- Ooh!

Nobody wants a fat wife.

What is going on?

- He challenged me to a duel.
- Ahh.

- Maxim.
- Yes, my dear?

- Pick up the glove.
- No.

Go pick up the f*cking glove.

No.

Go pick up...

- No! [GROANS]
- Ooh!

[LADIES LAUGHING]

Oh, it tickles.

VINODEL: That's a good sign.

If it starts to fizz, call me.
You'll only have an hour to live.

Where did Grigor go?

Forest, to practice.

- Concubine.
- Whore.

Look at my stomach, bitch.

You crossed our beloved Empress.
I only wish I'd taken the headshot.

You f*cking kidding me?

No sudden movements, lest
they migrate to the lung.

No one's buying this, Georgina.

I do hope one day you see the light

that the Empress brings into
all of our lives, dear Tatyana.

[SCOFFS]

Look at that fucker,

Voltaire, sowing the seed
of everyone's destruction.

Do you mean syphilis?

No, I meant f*cked-up ideas, but,
yes, apparently syphilis as well.

Where's Catherine?

She's gone to Orlo's.

So she should come
back along hallway four.

Right.

How's this?

[SNIFFLES]

- So moving.
- [WHIMPERING, SNICKERING]

Thanks.

I think something
terrible has befallen him.

You don't think he just left?

No, he wouldn't just leave me.

He left you once before.

Good point.

But he said goodbye that time.

He thought I let him down.

Yes, he did.

Thanks.

It's not your fault.

It's one thing to read
all of these books.

It's another thing to understand
them, to turn them into action.

Must be hard, infuriating to know
how disappointed people are in you,

to see it in their faces,

hear it in their voices,
feel their hope turn to rot.

I don't think that's happened.

Sorry.

This has all gone a strange way.

I-I don't mean to speak like this.

You're upset.

I'll find him, or what happened to him.

I think he just left, Katya.

Hugo?

sh*t, sorry.

- You're crying.
- It's very unmanly.

[SIGHS] It's just news from Sweden.

f*cking massacres.

Democracy gone mad.

You need to impose sanctions.

I can't, Hugo.

Saw the American here.

f*ck me, the world burns.

What an exciting man and idea.

You shared this love and ideal once.

Yeah. I've been down that road.

Protect yourself.

Side with the British or you'll
be crying in a foreign hallway.

And missing the cheeses.

Terrified you'll never
see Stockholm again.

I'm sorry.

Why did you lose?

- What? Honestly?
- Yes.

Forget the fake tears
for a second and honestly.

Well played.

Honestly, honesty.

That's what f*cked me up.

I believed in everyone's
goodness... [LAUGHS]

... thought they'd be
grateful for the agency

I was giving them over their lives.

I didn't control it,
didn't play it clever.

I just believed in the f*cking people.

Embarrassing when you say it out loud.

Not embarrassing. Meant
you had a good heart.

Too good, perhaps.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, now they're real.

Yes!

I'm just gonna leave so I
can just cry for a bit. Sorry.

A sad little Swede.

Elizabeth, let's invite
both ambassadors to dinner.

I thought we were keeping them apart.

Where's the fun in that?

Twelve paces.

Begin.

One, , , ...

, , , ...

, , , ...

- [g*nsh*t]
- Aah! It's hard not to sh**t over his head.

Your instinct is to go
for a man-sized headshot,

so definite advantage for him.

Small target. And he's a kid.

Who knows what the f*ck
he'll do in the moment?

- You'd better be ready for anything.
- Eh, I am ready.

[IN FALSETTO]
Don't f*ck my wife! [LAUGHS]

f*cking hell.

- [BABY LAUGHS]
- That was great. Paul laughed.

How nice he gets to see his first duel.

These are the moments
between a father and son,

their first duel, first k*lling,

first f*ck against a carriage,
first pheasant in grape sauce. Mm.

- Yeah, maybe I should talk to the kid.
- f*ck off.

You have to do this.

But you also don't want
to k*ll the little fucker.

So practice winging me.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe left shoulder.

I nurse Paul in my right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Funny, I once had a dream
you tried to k*ll me.

- Really? I...
- MARIAL: Grigor!

- Oh, hi.
- What the f*ck are you doing?

You're not fighting him.

It's a duel. He challenged me.

And we really need to
get some practice in,

if you wouldn't mind f*cking
off, and also if you do mind.

Ow!

I'm holding Paul!

- You fucker!
- Enough.

Marial, f*ck off.
I'll talk to you later.

Why don't you all k*ll each other?

I'd actually love that.

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

Right, let's get back to it.
[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm not sure I can sleep in here.

- What, why?
- The birds.

My mother on occasion put
me in a cage with birds,

and I would fight them
for scraps of bread.

In a cage?

And people think canaries are
sweet, but no, monstrous f*ckers.

- Right.
- Mm.

[GULPS] Mm! Did you hear about the duel?

- I just banned it.
- What? No.

It is an archaic way
to settle differences.

Eh... While I applaud
in a slightly baffled way

your desire for progress and change,

not everything in Russia needs changing.

You would really have Grigor k*ll Maxim?

Well, I'd worry more for Grigor.

Maxim is the loose cannon, so to speak.

Uh, but we are, in fact,
doing this for Maxim.

Absurd, but go on just
for entertainment purposes.

His wife is riding another man in
the salon in front of his peers.

He needs to be able to face them.

Once this is done, they can continue,

and everyone, and most importantly he,

can hold up his honor and dignity,

and the three of them
can continue as before.

I'm banning it.

- A mistake.
- Your opinion noted and ignored.

In Russia, the only way
out of marriage is death.

Mm. Noted with interest.

- Hmm, funny.
- Thank you.

How do I look?

- Stunning.
- f*cking stunning.

Look, the duel saves thousands
of murders of spouses every year.

Trust me. The nobles need an
outlet for griefs and grievances

beyond the whim of an emperor.

Gives them some power over their lives,

and it's a f*cking good morning.

Gambling, coffee, Bloody
Mary-infused foie gras.

I'm banning it. I already have.

[SIGHS]

- Did you write "punishable by death"?
- No.

Unless you wrote "punishable by
death," everyone will ignore it.

- Peter.
- Hmm?

You didn't k*ll him, did you?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Orlo.

Oh, f*ck, forgot about Orlo.

Uh, no, would've loved to, but no.

Are you lying?

No. That flaccid little
fucker tried to k*ll me, twice.

So, if I had k*lled him, which I didn't,

I would not stop talking about it.

I would write a little
poem about how I did it

and have Velementov recite it
to the court in a high voice.

Yes, all right.

So he really did just leave then.

- Strange.
- Mm, and weak.

Yes, and weak.

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

[COCKING g*n]

[g*nsh*t]

Ah.

- Ambassador.
- Ah, Johnny!

- [LAUGHS] Let's drink.
- Ah, yes.

Join the ambassadors' wives, darling.

So, I see you've met
our other honored guest.

Mr. Glover, the American ambassador.

Mr. Glover, Mr. Johnny Quirkton.

- Right.
- Sir.

Ladies.

Now, I'm sure we can
have a wonderful dinner,

forgetting our differences,

and just enjoying ourselves.

- You're all going to die, fuckhead.
- Right back at ya.

- Gentlemen.
- I jest, of course.

A pleasure, sir. A wonderful jape,
calling yourself "ambassador."

Please, sit.

Welcome, everyone.

Welcome, indeed.

This f*cking menu is a disaster, wife.

Scrap it.

Uh, we'll begin with veal
and figs, grill some squab,

then we'll roll it in my
lemon and rosemary salt.

Yes, that's right,
flavored f*cking salt.

Also, fry some olives as well

and lash some bread with
anchovies and butter, huzzah.

- GUESTS: Huzzah!
- Thank you, darling.

Always seeking to improve the country.

As we both do.

- Huzzah.
- Huzzah.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SIGHS]

I'm just gonna say you are stunning.

You glow inside and out.

Uncalled for, and a bit over, really.

Not that you're not pretty. A bit
pale for me personally, but, uh...

Uh, did I mention how great Menorca is?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISPERING] All charm, okay?

- No.
- What do you mean?

I'm sure we're invited.

You get Catherine for me.

I told you we weren't invited.

Listen...

guard person.

I am the Empress's best friend,
and, uh, yes, we had a little spat.

She didn't mean it.

She said to remove you
forcibly if need be.

I came to be nice!
Un-f*cking-believable!

[SIGHS] Well, this is mortifying.

This is lemon salt. Hmm?

- [COURTIERS CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]
- Hmm? And this is rosemary.

- [WOMAN GIGGLES SOFTLY]
- I'd love some of that.

Oh.

I mean, get on your knees
and do it, if you like.

You cannot let her side with America
against the f*cking monarchy. Hmm?

I'm sure she's not.

[CATHERINE LAUGHING]

Just to be clear, you
are in a w*r for my favor.

I'm unsure which way I lean,
so let the battle commence.

Well, if ideas are the weapons,
I have no fear of the w*r.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
United States of America.

It's not a f*cking country.

Vive le USA! The future is upon us.

All right. Thank you.

To Russia, and our Catherine the Great.

We, sir, are creating an
enlightened society to rival any,

and we are carried to it on
her strength and these ideas.

Huzzah!

- Huzzah.
- GUESTS: Huzzah!

Hugo, sit.

- Voltaire.
- VOLTAIRE: Hmm?

I read everything you ever wrote.

Of course, you did. You are welcome.

And it f*cked up my life!

You lost your country as a
little boy drops a toy, and now...

[IMITATES WHIMPER, LAUGHS]

- Fucker!
- Whoa!

Hugo!

[VOLTAIRE GROANING] [GUESTS LAUGHING]

- The battle of ideas, wife.
- Funny.

[HUGO BLOWS RASPBERRY]

f*ck him up, Hugo.

- Gentlemen, some decorum.
- VOLTAIRE: My shoe! My shoe!

We in the USA love passion.

A f*ck, a fight, a fortune, life!

Suck the marrow.

Great idea. Roast some marrow,
and I shall lemon-salt it. Mm.

[WHISPERING] Lizzie, this madness...
Why is she entertaining this c**t?

Make an enemy of us,
is that what she wants?

That's not what she wants.

Right.

She's playing me.

I won't be played.

What do you need?

I need to leave here
with that c**t's heart

in a suitcase and , troops.

Then you need to put something on
the table that makes a woman happy.

My massive cock?

You've got something
in your eye. Just there.

Ow!

It's an auction: bid.

[VOLTAIRE SHRIEKING]

[WHINING]

- [COURTIERS JEERING, LAUGHING]
- PETER: Oh! He's out!

American trade will dwarf the English.

A friendship between us will unhitch you

from this diseased
wagon you call Europe.

Diseased wagon? A bit harsh.

And it's our f*cking
colony, so our trade,

so we will, of course, give
Russia our favor in this regard.

It's all a bit of a guess as
to who wins, though, isn't it?

For me.

What do I get now?

For instance, I hear Ibiza is nice.

Ibiza, done. Balearics, all of them.

Look at Catherine.

Like an excitable little
moth to a handsome flame.

He's the sort of man
you just want to ride.

Animal and philosophy fused.

Uh, Johnny, beaver boy, you
coming to the duel tomorrow?

Uh... there will be no duel tomorrow.

Did you add "punishable by
death" to the proclamation?

I will.

Oh, witch.

We all love a duel, do we not?

- Huzzah.
- GUESTS: Huzzah!

- Sit.
- The people have spoken, and you love the people.

Grigor, go and make peace with Maxim.

Grigor, sit down.

Peter.

It is just a playful debate, gentlemen,

which the Empress loves
we Russians to indulge in.

I actually need to see Marial.

- Grigor.
- You need to do this for the kid.

You cannot live at another's whim.

Well, I can, and we all do and
always have, so there's that.

Eh, disappointing.

Can we have a moment, darling?

Mm.

What are you doing?

I am doing the business of Russia.

- Can you just be...
- Yes?

Compliant and docile?

No, not without you ripping
my heart from my body

and burying it under a ton of earth.

I said one rule and you agreed.

No, you can't f*ck England over
for a f*cking colony of upstarts

who apparently eat tubes
of undefined meat product

in bread on the street

and is also pawing at you with his eyes.

"Undressing and performing
sick and sensual acts upon me

with his eyes" is more accurate.

And suddenly you're
interested in Russia?

Where was that when you
were actually leading Russia?

- I...
- Badly.

I haven't finished my
sentence. Leading Russia badly.

Ooh, marriage witch spoke
of this careless lashing out

as quite destructive to wedded bliss.

I am in the middle of a cunning strategy

that is so byzantine and dazzling,

you would be baffled
by both its cleverness

and the words it takes to describe it,

so just stay out of it!

No. No.

You need to get them
to take a ceasefire,

set a date for battle,
arm up on both sides,

- and just go at it, leaving us out of it.
- Different plan. Different plan.

Am I to stand by as you
f*ck up? That is not love.

Letting the other person
live as they wish is love.

Then understand the duel
is sacred to me and others.

After my first, know
what my father said to me?

- Something ridiculous.
- Quite the opposite.

He said, "A man who faces his
mortality and that of another man's

has tasted life's bitter sweetness
in the back of his throat,

and each breath from then will be
one of gratitude and compassion."

- f*ck.
- Yeah.

Oh, he also said the
unorthodox follow-up of mine

to throw a Kn*fe at the other's throat

was a proud father moment,

especially as I'd sh*t
the guy through the eye.

Good story. I need to go back in.

Mr. Glover, I would love to hear more

of the many changes you will make.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Maxim, can I have a word?

Look, we don't need to do this.

Disagree.

I know how it is to see
your wife with someone else.

It's painful and sad and humiliating.

I was the guy at court who
everyone knew was cuckolded.

But there's a way through it.

We don't own each other.

We love who we love, and we live
with the consequences of that love.

I found a peace with it.

And everyone at court thought

you were a sorry little
bitch and laughed at you.

- Listen, you f...
- See you on the grass.

I'll f*cking k*ll you, you little sh*t!

I will sh**t you between the
eyes and then sit on your head

and eat cake and cream to celebrate

as dogs eat at your dead anus.

Right.

You're dead, little man.

- You can't k*ll him, Grigor.
- Yes, I f*cking can.

Calm down.

You need a second. We could hire one.

They'll both f*ckin' spray their sh*ts.

We make them walk paces.

They have their duel, and
everyone has a laugh and goes home.

- Dogs eat my dead anus?
- [LAUGHS]

- f*ckin' hell.
- f*cking kids today.

Oh, we're changing
everything, my friend,

including how you spell "colour."

You wouldn't dare.

We're taking the "u" out of
it. Rumor, tumor, and humor.

No "u," just us.

Dazzling.

- Don't you think, Johnny?
- Fucker.

So get ready, because
here comes the future,

and it's called the
United States of America.

This tiresome earnestness.

We call it passion and fire.

I personally love it.

Okay, Ibiza as well as
all the Balearic islands,

and one million pounds,
in return for , men.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Ambassador Glover,
what can you offer me?

- Change.
- Mm.

f*cking w*nk*r.

What are you doing to me?

What?

Those looks you're looking on
me say you want to throw me down,

take a blade, slice my dress
open in one swift movement,

tear it from my naked body, and
thrust yourself into my wet c**t.

Or did I misconstrue?

I'm a bit shortsighted, so...

I find you incredible.

Don't state the obvious,
Velementov. It's beneath you.

Sorry, I, um...

I can tell you were once pretty,

and now you're f*cking ravaged by
grief and alcohol, and I love it.

VELEMENTOV: Ohh.

f*ckin' hell.

Don't go with them. I
know you don't want to.

I can see it in your eyes,

along with so many languid
afternoons of lovemaking.

My eyes need to calm down, then.

I want what's best for Russia.

I know your heart. I see it.

And once my heart would've
led me, but not anymore.

Tell me the truth.

Do you really think
you can win this w*r?

Their troops and supplies are depleted.

It's attrition now.

Without reinforcements,

the British will have to
surrender in eight weeks.

Eight weeks.

Sell any salt?

The women seemed mildly interested
as they deep-larynxed your fingers.

Hmm. Make your deal?

Hopefully not with the beaver salesman.

I will finish it tomorrow,
but not your business how.

Jealous tonight, I think.

You or me?

I suspect, honestly, both.

Mm. Powerful, love.

Powerful pain at seeing
another prick one's interest.

I mean, he is a prick, by the way.

If I wanted him, I'd have him.

And I'd have their wives, but I don't.

And you.

What?

You aim to rile me.

I like it.

I am not your cockpuppet.

My what?

I forgave you much. It gives
you all the power between us.

I am powerless in my love for you.

You tried to k*ll me, and I did nothing.

When she fell, did my mother look happy?

Mm. Don't scratch the wound.

You're right.

And who's got all the power?

The one who made a mistake and
knows he will never stop paying

but is happy to pay,

or the one who is wronged

and has a stick to always
b*at the other one with?

Make me forget.

[CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [MAXIM YAWNS]
- Very early.

Should we go back to
bed and forget this?

I'd rather see blood spurt from
your eye as you descend to hell.

Jesus f*cking Christ.

I'm not doing it.

I have a second.

Okay, fine.

- Coward.
- You know, maybe I...

If all bets are on,

can we have the traditional toast
and blessing and begin the duel?

God waits for all men...

and boys... with open arms.

A return to him is a return home.

May we leave here honor upheld,
dignity restored, spirits lifted.

Huzzah! Great toast, Archie.

- Let's sh**t.
- CROWD: Yeah!

[CHEERING]

One, , , ...

, , ...

, , ...

Maybe you could talk to
Catherine about forgiving Marial.

f*ck Marial. She doesn't like me.

Everyone likes you.

Well, true. "Besotted"
is the word often used.

ARKADY: Twenty-four, ...

It'd be good if you could
weigh in on her behalf.

I cannot. Grigor, don't be disloyal.

I love her.

Or sentimental. Your love for
her will wither as she does.

Your love for me is eternal.

- I only agree with parts of that.
- ARKADY: Forty!

[g*ns FIRE]

[ONLOOKERS GASPING, SIGHING]

- Oh, sh*t, that's bad.
- What are the f*cking chances of that?

[GASPING]

Smolny?

What happened?

Grigor used a second.
Through the eye from .

Horrible, but in some ways impressive.

- Who?
- What happened?

I won. See you at home.

- [MARIAL SIGHS]
- The other dead?

We need to raise the dueling age to .

I think that's something
that's come out of today.

This place.

[SCOFFS] You gonna say
something meaningful, are you?

I might just skip it if you don't mind.

[COUGHS]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm not praying, relax.

[QUIRKY SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

You've got ambassadors waiting.

Yes.

How long do you think it will take

to get the troops to
the British in Louisiana?

We estimate six weeks.

Okay, thanks.

Send him in.

Ah, Johnny.

I trust you enjoyed dinner.

Lovely, though I was up all night

haunted by the threats
to the King's language.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We can have your troops there
in ten weeks, was it, Velementov?

Uh, y-yes, ten.

Ten? I was hoping for six.

I'm sure we could do nine.
Couldn't we, Velementov?

On my life, nine.

Russia has, of course, a
monopoly in the rhubarb trade.

The current deal is
priced at , a bushel.

Yes, almost as much as gold.

We'd like it to be more than gold.

Good for us to own the trade

in the most precious
commodity in the world.

Twenty-four, I'll need
a promissory note now.

In good faith?

The troops will be there
in nine weeks. My word.

Done. Wonderful.

Good-o.

I hate to end it because
it's been such fun.

But we have a deal. Huzzah.

Go defend the monarchies of all.

"Color"?

m*therf*cking animals.

Nicely done.

Play is fun, it seems.

Velementov, you may go.

♪ ♪

Send him in.

Mr. Glover.

I'm pleased to tell you,

you'll have your money and supplies,
and they'll have their troops,

I fear a few weeks too late.

America and Russia
will be friends forever.

Bonded by progressive ideas
and an uplifted people.

A shared fire in our hearts and
the betterment of all humankind.

- I believe it.
- I do, too.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I take your leave...

reluctantly.

Well... I do think

there is one thing left
between us on the table.

There is?

So, the duel.

- I heard.
- I know you're probably mad.

Not really. It's a hard road to change,

- but I have a plan for it.
- Ah.

Also I f*cked the American
ambassador on my desk,

which has left me
feeling kind of breezy.

[CHUCKLES] Funny.

I did it for us, and
because I felt like it.

Uh... Catherine. Wait...

I know you'll be angry, pained,
and broken-hearted a tiny bit.

- What the f*ck?
- I know it's not the same

as f*cking and k*lling
the other's parent,

but I feel it's at least some
restoration of balance between us.

f*ck.

It hurts, I understand.
But you understand.

Mm.

You should probably break something.

f*ck!

I thought so.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm...

And it is just f*cking, so...

That is... [CLEARS THROAT] it.

It is, in a way, smart.

I'm sorry. I...

I did this to us.

I'm sorry, too.

But... we go on.

We always go on.

This... f*cking love of
ours can bear any burden.

You are my great love.

And you mine.

Was he good?

Not really. Was Mother?

Not really. [LAUGHS]

See you later.

See you later.

Make sure my husband doesn't
k*ll the American ambassador.

- I think he's leaving.
- Good.

I feel responsible. Like it's my fault.

Well, you are. And it is.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

- Peter?
- What's wrong?

She f*cked someone else.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You don't know what it's like,

the idea of another
man's hands on your wife.

It is f*cking tormenting.

I cannot imagine.

Poor baby.

Oh. Mm.

This feels so familiar.

And right.

[PETER INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh, thank you, friends.

I'm okay.

All right. [SIGHS]

Let's go k*ll the c**t.

Fucker!

What? She told you?
What the f*ck is that?

[AMBASSADOR GROANING]

- BYSTANDER: Oh, no, you're good.
- It was her idea!

What? [GAGGING] Let go of my head!

Oh, yeah?

Hah! I'll f*cking eat
you! I will f*cking...

Well played.

I hear they both left
happy. Russia happier.

Thank you. I've just started.

Oh, I see that look. Dangerous.

- And?
- And I love it.

I f*cked Glover.

- Lemon top?
- Oh, of course.

Thank God. Marvelous.

You know what we need?

We the people in a big f*cking room

and we start getting sh*t done together.

[BOTH GAGGING]

You gonna stop it?

In time.

It's good for them to get
it out of their system.

[AMERICA BY SIMON & GARFUNKEL PLAYING]

♪ Let us be lovers, we'll
marry our fortunes together ♪

♪ I've got some real
estate here in my bag ♪

♪ So we bought a pack of cigarettes ♪

♪ And Mrs. Wagner pies ♪

♪ And walked off ♪

♪ To look for America ♪

♪ "Kathy," I said ♪

♪ As we boarded a
Greyhound in Pittsburgh ♪

♪ "Michigan seems like
a dream to me now" ♪

♪ It took me four days to
hitchhike from Saginaw ♪

♪ I've gone to look ♪

♪ For America ♪

♪ Laughing on the bus ♪

♪ Playing games with the faces ♪

♪ She said the man in
the gabardine suit ♪

♪ Was a spy ♪

♪ I said, "Be careful" ♪

♪ "His bowtie is really a camera" ♪

♪ "Kathy, I'm lost," I said ♪

♪ Though I knew she was sleeping ♪

♪ "I'm empty and aching
and I don't know why" ♪

♪ Counting the cars on
the New Jersey Turnpike ♪

♪ They've all come to
look for America... ♪