06x08 - The Day the Spores Landed

[bunniefuu]

This Is The Best Elevator Music
I've Ever Heard.

( Mumbling In Sleep )

We Interrupt
Our Regular Programming

For A Special News Report.

Here Is Nbc News Correspondent
John Palmer.

Palmer:
This Morning Three More
Pregnant Men Were Sighted.

The Men Were Discovered
In Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

This Brings The Number
Of Pregnant Men In The U.S.

To Well Over , , .

As We Reported Earlier

This Phenomenon Has Been Traced
To A Volcano Eruption In Peru.

Scientists Say Spores
From The Volcano

Altered The Water Supply

Enabling Men To Become Pregnant.

As Yet, No Man Has Given Birth

But Millions Are Due
At Any Moment.

Hospitals Are Standing Ready
In A State Of Total Confusion.

Wait, This Just In.

Another Pregnant Man Has Been
Spotted In Marietta, Ohio.

Stay Tuned For Further Updates.

Cliff, Honey!

Get Down,
They Just Found Four More.

All Right.

Honey, Can You
Believe It?

They Found

Four More Pregnant Men.

I Feel Sorry For Them.

I Feel Sorry For Myself.

Please, Please, Please.

Don't Touch Me, Please.

Would You Like A Pillow?

Please.

Can You Scoot...

Yeah, Just That.

Be Careful.

Now, Is That Better?

I Got To Put My...

Yes, Just Put Them
Up Here On The Table.

They're Not
Bending Well.

Ahh...

Uh.

Now, How's That?

That's Much Better.

Where's That Mess
Come From?

Who Ate Down Here?

I Did, Cliff.

Why Didn't You Clean Up?

Well, Honey,
I'm Sorry.

I Want The Mess
Cleaned Up.

You People Come
In Here And Eat

And I Just
Finished Cleaning...

Never Mind,
I'll Get It.

No, Please,
I'll Get It.

Why Can't You
Clean Up

After You've
Finished Eating?

I'm Sorry.

And Look At This.

I Just Dusted
And Cleaned In Here

And Now Look
At The Floor.

I'll Have To Vacuum.

I'm Sorry, I'll Vacuum.

No, You're Not Sorry.

You Don't Care How I Look.

You Don't Care.

Honey, Please.

Look At You.

Never Mind.

Sweetheart,
Come On Now.

No, No, No.

Just Relax,
Come On.

( Doorbell Rings )

I'll Get It.

I'll Get It.

Hi!

How Are You?

I'm Fine.

And Dad.

How Are You?

Where's Elvin?

He's On His Way.

Hello, Elvin.

Hello.

Hi!

I Don't Know Why
They Make Those Car Seats

So Low To The Ground.

Must Have Been Made
By Women.

Hi.

Have A Seat.

Yeah.

I Gained Another
Eight Pounds.

You Still Look Gorgeous.

I Do Not.

Well, I Stopped Having
Morning Sickness.

Now, I'm Having Afternoon
And Night Sickness.

I'm Sick At Dusk.

You Men.

You'll Drop Them
Any Minute.

You're Sure It's Only
Eight Pounds?

Looks Like You Might
Be Having Twins.

Well, If Anyone
Could Give Him Twins

It Would Be Me.

( Laughing )

Check It Out

I Didn't Do
Too Badly Myself.

Oh, I Can't Wait

To Get Started
On The Next One.

Look At His Face,
How It's Filling Out.

Isn't He Cute?

Shall We Make
Our Husbands Some Tea?

Uh, Good Idea.

Nothing For Me,
Thanks.

I Can't Keep
Anything Down.

We'll Be In The Kitchen

If You Need Us.

Hey, Theo.

Hello, Theo.

Hi Everybody, Dad.

Hey Dad...

Son...

How Are You Doing?

I'm Doing As Well
As I Can.

It's Not Easy To Deal
With Being An Unwed Father.

I Can't Believe
She Just Got On The Bus

And Left Town.

She Told Me She Loved Me.

But I Guess
She Was Only After One Thing.

That's What
You Get

For Giving It Up
Without A Ring.

Guys, Let Me Ask You Something.

Has Anyone Thought
About What It Will Be Like

When We Give Birth?

You Know, The Pain.

Dad, You've Seen Births.

What's It Like?

There's Going To Be Pain.

A Lot Of Pain.

Gentlemen, I Don't Like
To Hear This Kind Of Talk.

We're Men!

We Handle Pain
Better Than Women, Right?

I'm Sensing
Some Hesitation Here.

And I Don't Like It.

Look...

I Am A Proud Member

Of This Country's
m*llitary Service.

We Do More Before : A.M.

Than Most People Do All Day.

We Can Take It.

When I Say Men
Take Pain Better

I Expect Agreement, Right?

All:
Right, All Right.

Ooh!

What If It's Harder
For Us?

We'll Never Hear The End Of It.

We'll Make A Pact.

No Matter How Bad
The Pain Gets

We Won't Let On.

All:
Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

All Right.

All For One!

And One For All!

And Three For Five!

All:
All Right!

I Don't Know Why
I'm Coming Out Here.

I Have To Go Right Back
In There In A Minute.

I'll Have To Spend
The Rest Of My Life

In That Bathroom.

Aahhh...

Dear, I Tell You

I Don't Know
What's Wrong With Me.

But I Just Think I'm Too Old.

I'm .

I'm Too Old To Have A Baby.

( Giggling )

( Whimpering )

Cliff, Are You All Right?

Contraction.

Okay, Let's Go To The Hospital.

That's Just Your First.

You Have To Wait Till
They're Five Minutes Apart.

Don't Tell Me What To Do
With My Body.

Now, I'm Going, Let's Go.

We Have To Time
These Things.

Five Minutes Apart.

You Know How
This Goes.

Look, This Is
My Body.

Now, Get The Car Ready.

Saddle Up, Roy.

We're Out Of Here.

Let's Put Your Bag
By The Door.

When The Contractions
Are Five Minutes Apart

Then We'll Go.

Look, When Was
The Last Time.

What Was My Contraction Time?

How Long Ago?

I Don't Know.

What Do You Mean,
You Don't Know?

That's The Only Job You Have

Is To Time The Contractions.

You Can't Do A Simple Job.

I'm Having The Baby

And You Can't Remember
When I Said "Oh."

It's A Very
Simple Job.

All You Have To Do

Is Time The Contractions

And You Can't
Remember The Time.

You Just Want To Get In The Car.

Well, Go!

And It's
The Last Time

You And I Get
In This Bed Together.

( Jazz Music Playing )

Ohh...

Good Exercise, Good Exercise.

I Thought I'd Seen It All.

The World's Fair,
Combat In Sicily

Elvis On The Ed Sullivan Show

And Last Week,
I Swear I Saw Elvis Alive

At The Paramus Mall.

But I Never Seen Men
Giving Birth.

It's Remarkable.

Grandpa, How Did You Avoid This?

Didn't You Hear The News
This Morning?

They Say
When The Volcano Erupted

The Spores Didn't Reach
The Water Supply

In New Jersey.

You Know, I'm Curious.

You Planning
To Breast Feed?

Ooh!

Contraction!

Oh, Oh!

Elvin, Was That You?

Oh, Honey,
Breathe, Breathe.

Oooohh!

Oww!

Martin,
The Contractions?

Yes!

( Screaming And Confusion )

But, But...

I'm Ready For More!

That's
The Attitude.

All For One...

Men:
And One For All!

And Three For Five!

Should We Get
The Cars?

Yes, Get The Cars.

You'll Be
All Right?

Breathe!

( Gleeful Squealing )

Oh, Russell,
Go Get Our Car.

We'll Take
The Unwed One.

I Won't Make It.

Yes, You Will.

I Can't Take It,
This Hurts!

I Haven't Even
Given Birth Yet!

Shut Up!

I Hope
Sandra's Wrong

About The Twins.

I'll cr*ck.

I Can't Take It!

Shut Up!

Shut Up.

Now, What Happened

To All That
m*llitary Man Stuff

You Were Talking
A Minute Ago?!

That Was Before
I Had The Contraction!

Shut Up!

Hey, Fellas,
Wait A Minute.

I Am Beginning...

To Sense Some Fear In This Room!

Now...

If Things Are This Bad
Right Now

We're Probably Thinking

They'll Be
A Lot Worse, Right?

Uh-Huh.

Shut Up!

Now, When I Was On
The Wrestling Team

In High School

My Coach Would Say

"The Toughest Battle
You'll Face

Is With Your Courage."

Then...

He'd Look Each Of Us
In The Eye, And Say

"When The Tough Get Going,
The Tough Get Going!"

One For All.

All:
One For All.

All For One.

And Three For Five.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Dr. Strauss.

Dr. Huxtable.

All The Huxtables.

I See You Came
To Make A Delivery.

Any Men Deliver Yet?

Yes, Your Neighbor
Jeffrey Engels Gave Birth

A Couple Minutes Ago.

Well,
Let's Burn Rubber.

Jeffrey!

Cliff, Clair.

We Heard You Just Delivered.

Yes, I Did.

Theo:
How Was It?

Theo, I Can Only Say
It Was A Miracle.

To Think That My Body

Could Bring Forth
A Little Tiny Creature

That Exists On Its Own.

I'm Filled
With Such Wonder.

They Laid It On My Chest
For Me To Hold.

It Had Such A Sweet,
Angelic, Little Face.

It Put My Whole Life
Into Perspective.

Mr. Engels, What Did It
Feel Like Giving Birth?

What Did It Feel Like?

Didn't You Hear Me
Screaming In There?!

It's The Worst Pain

I Ever Felt In My Life!

I Didn't Know That Pain
Like That Could Exist.

The Horror!

I Don't Understand
How Mother Nature Could Allow

Such Terrible Suffering
To Happen To A Human Being!

Excruciating, Searing,
Grueling, Unbearable

Piercing Pain!

And When I Think Of
Where That Baby Came Out Of...

Aaahhhhhh!!

( Screaming And Confusion )

Calm Down...

Calm Down!

Ooh, Uh!

Uh, Ooh!

Oh... Oh... Oh!

Breathe.

Cliff, Honey,
Please Breathe!

Breathe!

( Crying )

Yes, Honey,
Yes, Yes.

Breathe.

Breathe!

Knock Me Out!

Knock Me Out!

Knock Me Out!

Dr. Strauss!

It's Coming!

Oh...

Push, Push.

I Am Pushing!

Oh, It's Big!

Oh!

Ohhhh!

Oh!

Where Did This
Come From?

Oh, Look, Honey.

A Sloop With Full Mast.

Take It Out!

Oh...

Take It Out!

Ah, Ah!

Take This Thing Out!

Breathe, Breathe!

It's Out!

Whoa!

Sports Car.

Ahh!

Ah, Just What
I Always Wanted.

Clair:
Doctor, We're
Having A Problem.

No, Cliff,
You're Tensing, Honey.

I Want You
To Breathe!

Come On, Inhale,
And Push.

And Push!

And Push, Come On.

( Screaming )

Oh, Cliff.

Oh, Honey.

Oh, Oh!

Argh!

Yahhh!

Oh, Cliff.

Oh, Honey.

Clair...

Clair, Clair.

Hmm?

Oh, Clair,
I Love You So Much.

And I Love Women.

I Think Women Are
The Most Wonderful People

On The Face
Of This Earth.