06x14 - Cliff's Nightmare

[bunniefuu]

Boys And Girls Of All Ages

This Is Cliff's Neighbor,Jeffrey Engels.

I'd Like To Tell A Story

About The Trouble Cliff Had

With A Sausage Sandwich.

It All Started
Late One Night...

Cliff?

Uh-Huh.

Are You Eating
A Sausage Sandwich?

Dear, It's Late.

Go, Go, Go Back To Sleep.

Not With That Smell In The Room.

Dear, I Have Been
Delivering Babies

For The Last Hours.

The Only Thing That I Had To Eat

Was A Can Of Soup
And Some Soda Crackers.

So I Need This.

Please, Please, Please.

It's So Pitiful When You Beg.

I'm Not Eating This
Just For Myself.

It's For Mrs. Dugan, Dear.

She's Going To Deliver
In The Morning

And This Gives Me The Protein
That I Need

To Stay Alive
And Deliver That Baby.

But You Know That Sandwich
Disagrees With You.

It Does Not Disagree With Me.

Let The Record Show...

Oh, Lord.

The Last Time You Ate
A Sausage Sandwich

At This Hour Of The Night

You Dreamed You Were Pregnant

And Gave Birth
To An -Foot Hoagie

And A Gallon Soda.

And Let The Record Show
That It Was Not This Sandwich.

It Was The Water.

The Water.

First Begging And Then Lying.

Sad.

Very Sad.

But If You Just Have To Have
That Sandwich

You Just Go Right On Ahead.

You Enjoy That
Little Nasty Sandwich

And You Pretend Like
I'm Not In This Room.

Just Pretend
I'm Not Even In This Room.

Give Me A Kiss.

I Said Pretend
I'm Not In The Room.

You Want To Kiss
Something

Kiss That Nasty
Sausage Sandwich.

Well, He's Kissing
That Sandwich Now

But In A Little While,
He's Gonna Be Sorry.

As A Matter Of Fact

As Soon As Cliff Falls Asleep

He'll Understand

That He Should
Have Listened To His Wife.

Heh-Heh-Heh.

It's Good, Isn't It, Cliff?

Well, All I Can Say Is,
I Hope You're Enjoying It.

(Cliff Belching)

Now Cliff Thinks
He's Still Awake

But He's Not.

He's Actually Dreaming.

And You're About To See

What A Sausage Sandwich

At Three In The Morning
Can Do To A Man.

Vanessa, What Are You Doing
In My Bedroom With A Band?

This Is My Band.

Dad, I Have Finally Decided
What I Want To Do With My Life.

Because I Love You Very Much

And I Know How Much You Dig Jazz

I Have Decided To Play Funk Jazz
On The Sax.

You Can't Play A Saxophone.

You've Gotta Take Lessons,
Practice For Years.

You Don't Know How To Play
A Saxophone.

Oh, Man, Why Do Parents

Always Try To Make Things
Sound So Difficult?

This Is Easy,
I Can Do This.

One!

(Band Playing)

Cliff Couldn't Believe It!

Here In His Own Bedroom

Was Vanessa Playing
The Saxophone.

And She Could Cook!

Uh, Can, Can, Can I Try It?

All My Life.

One, Two, One, Two!

(Huffing And Puffing)

What's The Matter
With This Thing?

Dad, Dad.

Just Don't Have The Chops.

One!

(Band Playing)

And That Is Why
I Gathered You All Here Today.

Ladies And
Gentlemen

I Would Like To Present For You
The Formula For Penicillin.

All:
Ah, Penicillin!

And You Say Penicillin
Can Cure

All Kinds
Of Infectious Diseases?

That's What
I'm Saying, Pierre.

Sacre Bleu!

Sacre Bleu,
Me Too!

You Are A Genius.

I Know.

You Must Come With Us

And Study At The
Academy Of Science.

There Are So Many Questions
That Need To Be Answered

Like How To Make Milk
Safe To Drink.

That's Easy,
Heat It.

That Makes It Pasteurized.

All:
Pasteurized!

And Have You Found A Cure
For A Runny Nose?

Blow It.

Blow It!
Blow It!
Mon Dieu!

Mademoiselle Olivia,
You Must Come With Us.

I Can't.

I Want To Stay
With My Friends.

But Mon Petit Genius

We Will Bring
Your Friends To You.

I Don't Have Any Friends.

I Live In This House
With A Bunch Of Old People.

(Crowd Murmuring)

These Old People You Live With,
Are They As Smart As You?

Yes, Especially Doctor Huxtable.

He's The Brightest
And He's Good-Looking, Too.

(Murmuring)

Mademoiselle,
Please Reconsider.

The World Of Science
Needs You.

I'm Sorry, I Can Not.

These Old People Would
Be Lost Without Me.

I'll Never Leave Them.

(Moaning And Weeping)

I Wouldn't Be
In Such A Hurry, Cliff.

You've Just Had The Nice PartOf Your Dream.

The Kitchen Might Look Like
It's Empty, But It's Not.

Cliff Is Going To Have
Some Juice Now

But He's In For A Big Surprise.

How Did I Get Back
In The Service Again?

Well, At Least I'm A Captain.

Captain Heathcliff Huxtable,
Front And Center!

And You're In The Navy, Too!

Look At Ya, Heh-Heh.

Give Me A Boat.

Ten-Hut!

How Dare You Try And Shake
An Admiral's Hand.

You Can't Do That.

I Can Have You Court-Martialed.

Well, You're My Son...

You're My Son,/Sir.

I'm Just A Captain.

How'd You Get A Higher Rank?

Because You Have
Poor Eating Habits.

Ten-Hut!

You Do That One More Time

I Can Have You Court-Martialed

For Insubordination.

Sausage Sandwiches At :
In The Morning.

I Could Have You
In The Brig For That.

Bread And Water, No Sausage.

I'll Try To Do Better, Sir, Son.

Sit Down.

Thank You, Sir.

Let's Get
To Business.

You Put In For
A New Assignment.

You'd Like To Be Restationed
In Hawaii.

That's Correct, Sir-Son.

Request To Hawaii...

Denied.

Well, Can I Go To Lake Tahoe?

You're Begging.

I'll Have
To Note That.

Shameless Begging.

But, Sir, Where Am I
Going To Be Stationed?

I Have The Perfect Place.

Antarctica.

I Can't Go That Far.

My Family Will Miss Me.

I'm Sorry, My Mind Is Made Up.

Captain, Dismissed.

(Clair Screaming)

Cliff!

(Louder Screaming)

Wait A Minute!

That Sounded Very Much
Like Clair Screaming.

So Naturally, Cliff
Wanted To Save Her.

Slow Down.

Where's The Fire?

Clair's Screaming In There.

Is There A Fire?

No, Worse.

What?

Can't Say, But
It's Not Pretty.

Not Pretty
At All.

Cliff! Help Me,
Save Me Now!

That's My Wife.

She's In There,
I Got To Go In.

Do You Have
Identification?

Driver's License?

Marriage
Certificate?

Passport?

Let Me See Your Superior.

Chief!
Chief!

All Right, Move It,
Show's Over.

Hey, Show's Over.

Denise, It's Me, Dad.

You Look Like My Dad,
But You Never Know.

A Lot Of People

Pose As Dads.

Cliff!

Are You Coming In
Here Or Not!

That's Mom,
Yelling For Me.

Can I Go In, Please?

You Can Go In,
At Your Own Risk.

Boys.

Step Aside.

Cliff!

(Crying)

Cliff!

What Are You Doing
Outside There?

This Is Your Fault.

I Said To Pretend
Like I Wasn't There

And Look What You Did.

Now You Save Me, Quick.

I'll Go Get A Ladder.

Clair Seems A Little Upset.

I'd Be Upset, Too,
Hanging Out A Window.

Help Me!

Do You Have A Ladder?

Of Course We Do,
We're Firemen.

Here You Go.

Be Sure To Bring
That Back.

You Want
To Pet Sparky?

So He's On His Way
To Find A Ladder.

But Cliff Won't Find It

Because This Dream Is About
To Become Even More Peculiar.

Hey, Doc.

Where You Going?

Who Are You?

I'm The Hypocritic Oaf,
Remember?

When You Graduated
From Medical School

You Took
The Hypocritic Oaf.

You Pledged To Take Care
Of Everyone Who Was Sick.

No, That's The Hippocratic Oath.

You Weren't Listening.

Wrong, It Was
The Hypocritic Oaf.

You Weren't Listening.

He Never
Listens To Anyone.

His Wife Told Him
Not To Eat Me

But He Did Anyway.

He Knows I Disagree
With Him.

You Don't
Disagree With Me.

Yes, I Do.

No, You Don't.

I Do.

No, You Don't.

Why Am I Here,
Arguing With A Sandwich

When My Wife Is Hanging
From The Building.

I've Got To Save Her.

You're Coming With Me.

You Have To Make
A Hospital Delivery.

No, Mrs. Dugan Is Not Due
Until The Morning.

We're Not Talking
About Mrs. Dugan.

This Is Another Delivery
And It's An Emergency.

I Can't Go To The Hospital.

Yes, You Can.

No, I Can't.

Can.

See, He's Disagreeing
With Me.

I'm Not Disagreeing
With You.

You Are.

I'm Not.

You Are.

Cliff!

Put That Sandwich Down
And Help Me!

I've Got To Go
Save My Wife

Who's Hanging
From The Building.

Are You Coming To The Hospital
Or Not?

No!

He's Not Cooperating.

Hey, Fellas!

Okay, You're Coming
With Us.

This'll Be Easy.

He's Such A Wimp.

Clair!

Clair, I'll Be Back!

No, You Won't.

Yes, I Will.

Won't.

Yes, I Will.

(Monsters Drooling)

Mr. Rudd?

You're The Proud Father
Of A Baby Boy.

He Looks
Just Like You.

Oh...

♪ La-La-La-La ♪

♪ La-La-La-La
La-La-La-La... ♪

Just Take The Tablets
And Call In The Morning.

Wait A Minute.

Do You Have To Squeeze
My Arms So Hard?

We Don't Have To

But We Enjoy It, Right?

Yeah!

Oh, Yeah!

Oh!
Argh!

Whew!

All Right, Dr. Huxtable

Go Over To The Admitting Desk
And They'll Tell You What To Do.

And Remember, You Took
That Hypocritic Oaf.

So Do Me Proud.

Say, You're
Dr. Huxtable?

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah,
Yeah, Yeah.

I Hear You're Making
An Emergency Delivery.

You Can't Get Up There
Without An Elevator Pass.

I Need An Elevator Pass.

Sure!

You're Lucky
You Ran Into Me.

I Can Sell You One
For Only $ . .

Normally, I Charge More,
But I Like You.

Don't Tell The Boss
I Did This.

Is That What You Want,
$ . ?

Yes, $ . .

There You Go.

Okay, Thank You.

Hold The Phone.

Do You Have A Pass
To Get Back Downstairs?

A Pass To Get
Back Downstairs?

Do You Have One?

No, I Don't.

Oh, That's Going
To Be $ , .

Yeah, $ , .

Let's See, That'll Be
$ , , Yeah.

Okay, Here's $ , .

Come To Papa.

To Take The Elevator Down.

Did You Drive A Car Here?

Yes.

Where Did You Park?

On The North Side.

That Is Too Bad,
Just Too Bad.

What's The Problem?

You Got To Give Me
$ , More.

To Get My Car Out?

$ , More.

All Right,
That's All I Have.

Glad I Made It.

Thank You.

All Right.

Nurse! Nurse!

Yes?

Wait A Minute.

You're Not A Nurse, Are You?

What Do I Look Like?

A Good Humor Woman?

You Don't Talk Like That
To Your Father.

You're Not My Father.

My Father Wouldn't Leave
His Wife Hanging Out A Window.

You're Pushing It
Just A Little Bit Here.

Pushing?

Boys, Show This Man
What Pushing Is.

Okay!

I'm Telling You...

Wait A Minute!

Catch!

Wait A Minute!

(Laughing)

Wait A Minute!

(Crowd Babbling)

Excuse Me,
Pardon Me.

Is This Seat Taken?

Shh!

Quiet, It's Starting.

Starting.

Shh!

Good Evening,
Ladies And Gentlemen...

And Other Things.

Welcome To
Operating Theater.

Tonight We Have
Something Spectacular.

Right Here, On Our Stage

We Are Going To See The First
Delivery Ever Of A Koosbanian.

(Applause And Cheering)

Yeah, Yeah!

Never Seen This.

And Now, The Man Who's Going
To Make This Delivery--

The One, The Only
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable!

Who's He?

I Don't Know,
I Never Heard Of Him.

Me, Neither.

Me, Neither.

He Doesn't Look Like
He Could Deliver A Baby.

He Doesn't Look Like
He Can Deliver A Pizza!

Whoa!

So, You Ready, Doc?

I Don't Know.

I've Never Delivered
A Koosbanian Before.

I Know.

And We All Admire You

For Attempting Something
So Dangerous.

Dangerous?

Wait A Minute.

Is The Patient In Trouble?

No, You Are.

I Thought I Was In Danger
Performing An Appendectomy

While Being sh*t
Out Of A Cannon.

But That's Nothing
Compared To This.

(Whispering:)
Are You sh**ting Me
Out Of A Cannon?

You're Going To Be Suspended
Upside Down In A t*nk Of Water

While Playing "Lady Of Spain"
On The Accordion.

(Laughter And Applause)

Oh No, The Koosbanian
Is Resisting.

Put A Muzzle
On Her Second Mouth.

(Groaning)

(Chain Snapping)

Oh No, The Koosbanian
Has Escaped.

(Disappointed Moaning)

You Can All Go Home.

There'll Be No
Delivery Today.

Oh, Brother,
Come On.

We Want Surgery.

All:
We Want Surgery.

We Want Surgery.

We Want Surgery.

Operate On That Guy,
Huxtable.

All:
Yeah!

I'll Cut Him.

I've Got The Steadiest Hands
In The Business.

Cut Him.

Cut Him!

Cut Him!

Let Me Up.

Let Me Up.

Let Me Up.

Let Me Up.

Well, I Suppose Cliff Realizes

He Should Have Listened
And Not Eaten That Sandwich.

Boys And Girls,
Always Listen To Your Mom.

And Husbands, Listen
To Your Wives.

I Have A Wife And A Mother

So I Do Quite A Bit
Of Listening.

Cliff Decided He Would Go Down
And Begin The Day.

Morning, Dad.

You Don't
Look So Good.

Did You Sleep In Your Clothes?

Looks Like Dad
Didn't Sleep Well.

He Probably Ate Something
And Had Nightmares Again.

There Was A Sausage Missing
From The Refrigerator.

Dad Probably Ate It.

Well, I Did Have A Bad Dream.

And You Were In It,

And You,
And You Were In It.

I'm Just Happy To Be
In Brooklyn

'Cause There's No Place
Like Home.

You Should Be
More Careful.

Mom Said Not To Eat
That Stuff Late At Night.

Yeah, Dad.

You Can't Take It
At Your Age.

I Cannot Argue With You.

I Have Learned My Lesson.

Good For You, Dad.

Come On, I'll Drop You
At School.

Bye, Dad.

See You Later.

Wait A Minute.

Who Turned On
The Lights?

Look, It's
Sausage Man.

(Laughter)

You're Not Going To Eat
Again, Are You?

Wait A Minute.

You Guys Heard What
I Told My Children.

I'm Not Eating
Bad Foods Anymore.

If I Had A Nickel Every Time
I Heard Him Say That

I'd Buy My Own
Refrigerator.

(Laughter)

He's Back.

So's His Stomach.

(Laughter)

And That's The End OfOur Story.

Good Night, Boys And Girls.

Eat The Right Things

And Sleep Tight.