05x01 - A Blast from the Past

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe
it's fall already.

I'd planned to get
things done this summer.

Like what?

Oh, the usual.

Learn spanish,
work out every day,

Clean out the basement,
read anna karenina.

What did you end up doing?

I got through summer without
buying a thong bathing suit.

Well, I finished my summer book.

Vanna speaks?

What does she say?

Well, lots of things.

I don't know about
some of her beauty tips.

She says when you're showering,

You should open your mouth

And let the water
pound against your teeth.

It works like a water pik.

My gosh.

Who on earth would
try such a thing?

So how did it work out?

Not very well.

All I could think about
was daddy's turkeys.

Turkey's are so dumb

That if you put
them out in the rain,

They'll look up

To see where the
water's coming from,

They'll open their mouths,

And they'll drown.

We thought turkeys were the
dumbest creatures on earth.

That was before anybody
knew about vanna white.

Come to the basement.

I got something to show you.

While tearing the
rock off the south wall

To start the new sewing room,

I found something interesting.

Come look.

All right.

I don't care what anybody says.

That's absolutely the last time

I ever darken the
door of madame cindy.

Who's madame cindy?

My lip and leg wax lady.

Ever since consuela refused
to wax me, I've gone there.

But today's the last time.

Why?

She's started taking
men. I mean, I'm sorry.

I realize some men have
an upper back problem.

They can look like
orangutans, but let's be frank.

Men cannot stand pain.

Every time the attendant
rips the wax off,

Tearing little hairs
out by the roots,

Men scream.

Is that not ridiculous?

It's not very restful

To hear it coming from
the next room, either.

Here are your phone messages.

This isn't mine.
Who's daryl morton?

Daryl morton called?

I forgot to give
you the message.

He called as I was leaving
to schlep to the bank.

Schlep?

It's a word, suzanne.

He wants to get
together with you.

Who's daryl morton?

He's just about my best
friend besides charlene

When I was first in atlanta.

He lives in charlotte.

Close friend, huh?

How close?

He's just a friend.

Yeah. Well, you
know, there's friends,

And then there's friends.

Suzanne, don't be a yutz.

What?

What's going on with you?

Every other word
out of your mouth

Is schlep and yutz
and plutz and shmootz.

Where you getting that stuff?

Darla sue sheinberg,
my real estate agent.

I like learning new words.

Sounds like something's
stuck in your throat.

To answer your question,

Daryl and I were very close,

But it was never
going to be a romance.

We did say if we
got old and decrepit

And hadn't found anybody else,

We'd get married.

He's really terrific.

It's so nice to have
a guy for a friend.

The timing on this
is just perfect.

I've been needing a man

To talk to quent about sex.

Whoops. Just passing through.

I didn't mean you.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

I don't want to be
telling small children

About the facts of life.

I've seen how that works out.

Just when they learn

You haven't been
square about santa claus,

Then you tell them

About the most
unbelievable thing of all... Sex.

What makes you think
quentin wants to know?

Oh, just little clues.

His teacher told me

He's been lying on his
back under the jungle gym

Paying little girls
a nickel to climb it.

I know he wants to
talk to a man about it.

Ted's out of the country

On some medical expedition.

Ted's working overseas?

Oh, yes.

Some doctors go inoculate
needy children in africa.

Ted gets involved in some
gynecologist exchange program

In sweden.

Woo! Tough assignment.

Yeah.

Did you tell them the news?

No, not yet.

This is so exciting.
I never knew this.

Of another house,
an ante-bellum house.

These old deeds
were behind the wall.

There's a cornerstone
marked 1836.

You mean there was a
civil w*r house on this site?

Maybe one of the ones

b*rned in sherman's march?

It looks like it.

I'm calling the
historical league.

They may want this house

On the tour of historical homes.

That's good for you, julia.

Personally, I
don't enjoy history.

People said I should learn it

Because history repeats itself.

If it repeats itself,

Why should I pay
attention the first time?

Boy, this is julia's
dream come true.

She loves that old
south stuff. We all do.

It was a neat period of history.

Yes. How I long for
those days to return.

Really?

Yes. The fun of
working in the field

With 600 of my closest friends.

Us rattling our
chains rhythmically

To one of those
wonderful old spirituals.

That's nice, anthony.

I didn't know you felt that way.

It all certainly
does look authentic.

I'll have to have our historians

Check it out, of course.

The tour of homes
is this weekend.

We'll have to work quickly.

Let's see. First we'll
need to do something

About the furniture.

Oh, not that it isn't
perfectly lovely, dear,

But it's not
exactly period, is it?

I have some lovely
family antiques upstairs.

They're very delicate.

I could bring them down.

Wonderful. We'll need to know

More about your ancestors

So we can make the tour
a little more interesting.

I have some diaries of
my great-grandfather's.

And we'll have to
get you a tour dress.

We wear period costume.

I'm easy to fit.

Maybe some of your
friends could help.

This young man
looks very capable,

And he'd add a wonderful touch.

Excuse me.

Are we talking about me
wearing a period costume?

Uh-huh.

Perhaps a little kunta
kinte loincloth ensemble

With matching ripped-up shirt?

Something like that.

I don't think so.
Perhaps some other time,

Say, right before we
go ice-skating in hell.

But thank you so
much for thinking of me.

Well, you were right.

Quent wanted to know
how they make babies.

My gosh. I knew it.

What did you say?

I told him how.

Specifically what did you say?

Mary jo, you know, don't you?

Ok. Ok.

What did he say?

Now tell me how they
make peanut butter.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Why don't you move
back to atlanta?

I've been thinking about it.

I wish you would.

Good friends are
hard to come by,

Like what you did
for quent just now.

You care about my
kids as much as I do.

You're going to
be a great father.

I want to be.

I love you, and I have
missed you so much.

Oh, I love you, too.

You remember that pact we had?

If we never found anybody else,

We'd get married? Yeah.

Let's do it.

You're on.

I'm serious.

You are not.

We agreed.

When we get old and decrepit.

I'm not old and decrepit yet.

Remember? We defined
old and decrepit as age 35.

We did?

Mm-hmm. We were
both 27 at the time.

That would explain it.

When I said I love you just now,

I didn't mean that way.

I don't mean that way either.

Why are we even discussing this?

I love you the way
we were talking about

When we made the pact.

So there are no bells
and whistles going off.

What's wrong with
getting married friendly?

The bells and whistles
come when they're ready.

People do it all the time.

Well...

I don't have an answer for that.

I know there's one.

I can't put my finger
on it right now.

Is it possibly because

We're not sexually
attracted to one another?

You may have pinned it down.

How do we know that?
We've never even kissed.

Now we know that.

It's not really happening.

What's not
happening... Chemistry?

If we got everything
but chemistry,

We're doing pretty good.

Actually,

We're doing better than
75% of the marriages,

And you know that's so.

So, i... Guess
what I'm saying is...

Do we have a deal?

Can I get back to you on this?

Nope.

Well, then...

All right... I guess.

Hi.

What's going on here?

It's that tour of homes thing.

They brought julia's
antiques downstairs

And brought more in.

This is just ridiculous.

I didn't know it was
going to be like this.

How are we supposed to get
any work done around here?

I mean, how are you supposed
to get any work done?

Well, where's julia?

She's upstairs with that woman

From the historical league.

They're giving a tour.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, she is. May I
ask who's calling?

Oh, hi. Just a second.

It's daryl.

I'm sorry, she just stepped out.

Can I take a message?

Why don't you
want to talk to him?

Oh... It's complicated.

Ok, I'll tell her. Bye-bye.

Why don't you
want to talk to him?

Remember that pact we had

That if we didn't find anybody

We'd get married?

Well, daryl wants to.

No!

He thinks it's time.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, but
when I just asked you

That very same question,

You told me it was
too complicated.

It didn't sound
complicated to me.

Why didn't you tell it?

Because, suzanne, it's personal,

And charlene is my best friend,

And she's the one
I tell my problems,

And sometimes when
I tell you things,

You say things
that are... Sort of...

Sort of... Sort of what?

Sort of schmucky.

Schmucky?

Thank you very much.
That really clarifies it.

What did you tell him?

I told him all right.

You said "all right"?

You should have
heard his argument.

He had me in a corner.

Mary jo, are you
honestly thinking...

Are you honestly thinking

About marrying this man?

Oh, probably not.

I don't know... Maybe.

I know it sounds
crazy like a crazy idea,

But he is a wonderful person.

He's sweet and kind,
he knows me well,

He loves me, and I love him.

I've been thinking
about this all night long,

And maybe daryl's right.

I may just marry him.

You just won't talk
to him on the phone.

Now, if you'll follow me

To the downstairs living area.

It's the tour.

Costumes? Is julia
wearing a costume?

Oh, yeah.

Now, this here is a
particularly authentic piece

Of the 1860s.

It was imported from
london during the w*r

And actually run through

One of the famous naval
blockades of charleston.

Excuse me. That's mine.

That's my antique table

Upon which you
just put your soda.

Well, sorry.

That's one of the tables
from the sugarbaker family.

It was originally owned

By mrs. Sugarbaker's
great-grandfather

Colonel clifford
otis sugarbaker,

Who was a very
renowned man of his time.

As a matter of fact,

He was rumored to
have been the father

Of more than 20
illegitimate children.

Really?

Excuse me.

What in the world
are you talking about?

Julia, we are losing them.

We have to spice it up a bit.

My great-grandfather
was a minister.

He didn't father any
illegitimate children.

Well, I said it was a rumor,

And it is. I just started it.

I'm sorry. I don't
like smoking in here.

I don't see any
"no smoking" signs.

Well, just look at my face.

Ok.

All right.

That's it.

Tour's over.

Everybody out.

Thank you for coming.

So nice to see you.

Please come again
in another 100 years.

We have to talk.

Yes, julia, we do.

Those people just paid $25

For the entire tour of homes,

Not to be insulted.

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,

But first of all,

That little topknot on
your head is crooked.

And secondly,

I don't think there are
going to be any more tours

Of my home. You understand?

Well, julia, I'm sorry
to tell you this,

But you signed up.

You have a legal obligation,

And you're not going
to mess up my tour.

And if you screw around with us,

We'll do to you what
sherman did to atlanta.

Oy.

Thank goodness this
will all be over tomorrow.

We can get our furniture back.

Julia, we're getting
ready to leave.

Anything we can do to help?

No, charlene.

I don't think anybody
can help me now.

I cannot believe these costumes.

You owe me big
for this one, julia.

Hi. I'm looking for mary jo.

Hi, daryl.

I'll be up here.

We were leaving, too.

Have fun with that tour.

Yeah. Mazel tov.

What the heck does that mean?

It means... Well, it's yiddish!

I went by your house.

Claudia said you
were working late.

Yeah. I'm just...
Helping out a friend.

You're a good friend, mary jo.

Tell me about it.

Well, why don't we sit?

Maybe it would be
better if we stood.

No, no, no.

There. We... We got it here.

So.

I think you know
what I'm going to say.

I didn't, but I think I do now.

You don't know how
close I came to saying yes.

When you were making
your case the other night,

I didn't have an answer for it,

But i... I do now.

I do love you.

And I want so much for you.

I want everything for you,

And one of the
things I want for you

Is a wife

Who makes all those
bells and whistles go off.

I know a lot of
people never get that,

But a lot of people do,

And I want that for you.

I want that for myself.

Do you understand?

I love you.

I love you.

Just not but not
that way. That way.

Look.

I say the deal still stands.

We'll just postpone it a little.

When we get really
old and decrepit

And no longer care
about sex or excitement,

Then we'll get married.

When do you figure that will be?

When we're both 85.

No. Better make it 90.

You've got a deal.

Well, miss mary jo,

I'd better be making
my farewells.

Y'all remember me now

When I'm way up north, you hear?

I will.

Goodbye.

Hello, hello.

Where is julia, please?

She's upstairs.

Are you the one

Who's going to help
her give the tour?

That would be me.

Well, come on.
Let's get started.

Skedaddle.

Hippety hop.

Julia.

The tour is here.

Karen wants us to
skedaddle and hippety hop.

The other houses were
much nicer than this one.

This is boring.

This isn't one of
our better ones.

The only reason it's on the tour

Is because this was the home

Of lucifer t.
Stonewall sugarbaker.

He was a very famous horse thief

And yankee spy.

Who's seen gone with the wind?

I have.

Do you remember
belle watling's house?

Well, this was the original

That it was based on.

This used to be a whorehouse?

All right. That's it.

This is not a whorehouse.

This is my house,

And I've had all I'm
going to take of you.

You don't care about history.

You just want to sell it.

You don't even sell it honestly.

You just want to sell

The myth of the old south.

You all know that
myth, don't you?

Happy darkies
singing in the fields

While miss scarlett
primps around

Throwing hissy fits.

Well, that's an insult.

It isn't the south.

It's an insult to all the people

Who lived and d*ed
here not so long ago.

Yes,

We southerners have
had to endure many things,

But one thing

We southerners do
not have to endure

Is a bunch of bored housewives

Turning historical
homes into theme parks,

Not to mention
ill-mannered tourists

With their big gulps, slurpees,

Misties, and frosties,
their dirty feet

Overflowing rubber thongs,

And babies who
sneeze fudgesicle juice!

Out!

Out of my house!

As god is my witness,

I will burn it down myself

Before I let you in again!

Just like the movie.

This is the best
house on the tour.

Well. We aim to please.

And wasn't that a
wonderful piece of theater?

Well.

Well.

I hate to be the
one to tell you this,

But I don't think

You'll be invited to be
on the tour of homes

Next year.

Frankly, my dear...
I don't give a damn.