05x02 - Papa Was a Rolling Stone

[bunniefuu]

Sussan you want to
look at this catalog

Before I send the order off?

No, thanks.

I don't like to use catalogs.

Half the fun of shopping

Is having those
salespeople groveling

And just basically
sucking up to you.

I had no idea they
were so solicitous

Down at the k-mart.




Now, could we please
change the subject?

How are the plans coming
for anthony's birthday party?

Oh, get this.

Bernice is providing
the entertainment.

What kind of entertainment?

She wouldn't tell me.

She said she wanted to
do something extra special

For anthony's 30th birthday.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hi, bernice.

We were just talking about you.

Why?

Oh, did I get a call
from morley safer?

No, bernice.




We didn't even know
you knew morley safer.

I don't.

But I think he's a
real hot number,

So I wrote him a
letter and told him so.

Anyway, I was on my way

To buy anthony a present,

But I thought I should
check here first

So we don't give
him the same thing.

Actually, we thought
your gift was going to be

Some kind of special
entertainment

For anthony's birthday party.

Really?

Well, ok. I'll take
your word for it.

Boy, I'm glad that's settled.

Now I have time to cruise

That big construction
site around the corner.

Between you and me,

Their new foreman is
built like a brick outhouse.

Bye.

You know, bernice
always has had that...

Arterial flow
problem above the neck,

But doesn't it seem lately

Like she's going through some...

Hormonal surge?

What do you mean?

She means not
only is bernice nuts,

But she's horny.

Just because bernice is older

Doesn't mean she doesn't have

Normal needs and desires.

Elizabeth taylor is almost
the same age as bernice.

I read where she rallied
from her deathbed

To be with that young
construction worker

She met at the
betty ford clinic.

I don't want to hear anymore
about bernice's hormones.

However, she did bring
up an important point...

Anthony's birthday presents.

Everybody still free to go
shopping tomorrow night?

I can't.

I have to take quinn

To the annual father/son
banquet at school.

Ted can't go again.

Mary jo, that is a shame.

It's not like I stand
out or anything.

Half the "fathers"
are divorced mothers.

I mean, we try...

Stand around talk about sports,

Punch each other,
but the kids know.

The panty hose
always tip them off.

Morning, ladies.

Hi, anthony.

I'm sure quinn will be fine.

Look at anthony.

He was raised by women,
and he turned out great.

Thank you. I agree with
that wholeheartedly.

I forgot about that.

You did get short-changed.

I mean not knowing your daddy.

I don't know about
short-changed.

My grandmother did a good job.

My daddy was gone
before I was born.

The only thing I know
about him is his name...

Charles clarence monroe.

But it is kind of funny.

Every time I think I'm
over that childhood stuff

I see some guy in an elevator,

And I can't help wondering
maybe he's my dad.

Can you believe that?

After all these years,

I'd give anything to
know what he looks like.

If you'll excuse me,

I've got to pick up mrs.
Carmichael's love seat

At the upholsterer.

Then I have to drop off
my vcr at the repair shop.

Again!

I just can't believe everything
anthony's been through.

Being sent to jail for
a crime he didn't commit,

Not knowing his own father.

He could have turned
out to be a serial k*ller.

Instead he's a sweet person.

Oh, big whoop.

So he doesn't have a father.

I don't have a complete set
of louis vuitton luggage,

But you don't see me
mowing down people

In the convenience store.

You know the real
tragedy of all this,

Apart from
suzanne's last remark,

Is that anthony would have
made any father so very proud.

I, for one, suggest we get him

An extra special
birthday present.

Too bad we can't
get him a father.

My, god. That's a great idea.

What are you talking about?

We'll hire a detective
to find his real father.

People do this all the time.

I'll call maureen
kofky, she was adopted,

She hired this guy
who found her mama

Running a trout farm.

Maureen when out to meet her.

She let maureen pick out any
fish she wanted and everything.

We should give that to anthony.

A trout?

No! His father.

He said he'd give
anything just to see him.

Come on. Why not?

I'll tell you.

Because people get crazy

When it comes to their families.

Look at consuela.

Her family came over,

They spent the entire time
throwing meat cleavers

At each other.

Besides, what he wants is a vcr.

He's been hinting all week.

I don't want to talk
about it any more.

Charlene, I know you mean well.

Family is so important to you.

But much as we love anthony,

Let's not overstep our bounds.

You don't have to be involved.

I will call maureen and
get that detective's name.

Now, how about this?

I'll try to get anthony's
father's address or number

And let anthony decide.

How about that?

Did detective mcbride call yet?

No, charlene.

Know what occurred to me?

What if we did find
anthony's father,

And it turns out he's
some big sh*t politician

Or a tele-evangalist.

He might not be
thrilled to be introduced

To his grown illegitimate son.

Oh, no.

I just thought
of something else.

What if anthony's
father married someone

And they had children

And one of them was a girl

And then she moved to atlanta

And she met anthony
and they started dating

And they fell in love?

My god, what if vanessa's
anthony's sister?

Hello.

Hello.

What are you so happy about?

While you were waiting
for sherlock holmes to call,

I decided to do something
useful and productive.

First I went to mr. Gawdy's
and had my hair done.

Then I went to
that skin boutique

And had my pores tightened.

Then I went to the jewelry
store at that new hotel

And had my g*n monogrammed. See?

Suzanne! Aah!

Ok, julia... Aah, don't sh**t!

What is wrong with you?

Well, excuse me, suzanne,

But once one's been
painfully sh*t in the leg

By that very g*n,

One tends to become,
how shall I say...

g*n shy.

Would you put that thing away?

Oh, all right!

Talk about holding a grudge.

I usually get jumpy
around my birthday.

I always seem to get
some nasty surprise,

Something you'd never
expect in a million years.

I remember one birthday,

My monsieur coffee
blew up in my face.

I went blind for about a week.

Then another time,

I got stuck in an
elevator for six hours

With this particularly vicious
girlfriend I'd just broken up with.

Then last year during my party,

Tyrone sticks up this
convenience store

And then j-j-julia got arrested

For driving the getaway car.

You remember that, julia?

Yes, I do recall.

So, anyway, this year

I'm looking forward to a
nice, uneventful birthday.

You know, just peacefully
eating some ice cream and cake.

Perhaps we could rent a video.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot my machine is broken.

All right. All right.

Just promise me...
No surprises, ok?

Of course not.

If y'all don't need me,

I've got to pick up a
prescription for vanessa.

She's come down with the flu

And is probably going
to miss the party.

Hey, bernice.

Bye, y'all.

I'll see you tomorrow.

What's the matter
with everybody?

He said he'd be back tomorrow.

No, it's not that, bernice.

Anthony told us he
doesn't like surprises.

What will we do?

It does seem to me

That finding somebody's
long lost father

Would qualify as a surprise.

Why don't you tell anthony

You told him about it
last week and he forgot?

People are always
trying to pull that on me.

Excuse me.

Is this studebaker's?

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, it is.

I'm julia sugarbaker.
Can we help you?

Not unless you're
all chiropractors.

Name's henry wilson.

I just got off a train
from new orleans,

And my back froze up tight.

I've been to japan.

I could walk on
your back if you'd like.

Bernice, you don't
even know him.

I'll get right to the point?

Some detective called me
and said you were looking

For charlie monroe.

Said he had a son
here in atlanta.

Oh, my gosh. Yes, he sure does.

You're saying you know
charles clarence monroe?

He was my best friend.

Fact is, we were flat
out running buddies

For almost 15 years.

Quite a charmer, that charlie.

He taught me everything I know.

Excuse me, but what do you
mean was your best friend?

I didn't tell the detective

Because I figured it
wasn't his business,

But I'm afraid charlie
d*ed about five years ago.

Oh, no.

Are you absolutely
certain he's deceased?

I like to think so.

They buried him.

I see.

He left me a few of his things.

Not much really,

But I figured if he'd
known he had a son

He'd want him to have them.

Thank you.

This will mean a lot to anthony.

Uh, is he here?

No, he's not.

Well, uh, thanks for your time.

I better be going. My
train leaves at 7:00.

Wait, henry.

You're not leaving
without meeting anthony.

He's got a million
questions he's like to ask.

Well, I don't know.

See, henry, tomorrow
is anthony's 30th birthday

And as crazy as it sounds,

We were trying to find
his father as a present.

30 Years old, huh?

That's right.

And now that I know you,

I could walk on your back.

Bernice, I cannot believe
that you have hired

This arnold schwarznegger person

As entertainment at
a man's birthday party.

I mean, what if people
find out about this?

They're going to think
that anthony's a h*m*

Or steroid pusher or something.

Besides, what kind of a
man calls himself "beefma"?

Suzanne, that's
just his stage name.

His real name's walter kelp.

He's putting himself
through graduate school.

He's a music major.

That's why he bills himself
as the singing bodybuilder.

You know,

His rendition of moon
river wasn't half bad.

Isn't that right, bernice?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

I'm only interested
in him as a sex object.

Look at anthony. He's
having a wonderful time.

I'm so glad henry stayed.

I'm proud of the way anthony
took the news about his father.

I can't believe it
never occurred to us

His father bought the farm.

He bought a farm?

I thought you said he was dead.

Henry is a gold mine of
information about my father.

He said that my dad
loved ella fitzgerald,

Ice hockey, and rotelle
hot pickle relish.

No!

Anthony, those are
all your favorites.

Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, he's a real chip
off the old block...

And this is one of the
most unusual parties

I've ever been to.

I'm afraid my time is up.

Well, my budget's busted,

But I'm sure the girls

Would be glad to chip
in for another hour.

Come on, girls, pony up.

No, bernice. I'm
sure he has to study

Or attend a pep
rally or something,

Don't you, mr. Beefma?

Yes, ma'am. Well, if you
should ever need me again,

I left some cards
on the desk. Bye.

Bye, walter.

Happy pumping.

Well, bernice, I have to say,

Beefma did add a
certain je ne sais quois

To the festivities.

I want to thank all of you

For a most
unforgettable birthday.

You know, it's kind of surreal

Finding out all this
stuff about my dad.

I used to have
daydreams about him.

My favorite one was,

Me and my dad were on
this beautiful green field

And I had this
louisville slugger.

Dad would pitch one and say,

"Hit one over the wall for me,"

And I'd knock that sucker
clean out of the park.

Then he'd laugh
this big hearty laugh.

He'd swing me around and say,

"I love you, anthony.

You are the best son a
father could ever have."

Then, of course, dad's limo
would drive us to our mansion,

Where we would have
spaghetti-os and ice cream

With harry belafonte.

I had a very rich fantasy life.

It's a lovely daydream, anthony.

I can't believe y'all
went to all this trouble,

Hiring a private
detective and all.

And you, henry,
coming all this way

Just to bring me a few
mementos like this watch here.

My daddy actually
wore this watch.

I would give anything if
he were here right now.

I'd give him a big
hug and I'd say,

"Daddy, I know
you had a hard life

"And you made some mistakes,

But I love you
and I forgive you."

You would?

Boy, I sure would.

Well, I got great
news for you... Son.

Yes, anthony, I am your father.

Get the hell out of my sight!

You never came to see me before.

I liked you better
when you was dead.

I cannot believe this!

"Charlie was a good dancer."

"Charlie was great
with the ladies."

Man, you are sick.

Ok, ok. If you're not going
to leave, then I'll leave.

Why couldn't y'all
just get me a new vcr?

I've been hinting
at it all week.

Are you people deaf?

I haven't said I told you so,

And I'm not going
to say I told you so.

I could say I told you so

Because I told you so,

But I'm just not
going to say it.

It's my fault. It was my idea.

Charlene, no matter
how much anthony talked

About wanting
to find his father,

If he'd been emotionally
ready to handle it,

He would have done it himself.

We're all to blame.

Anthony... Anthony... Anthony...

Wait a minute, now.

Don't anybody say anything yet.

First, I want to apologize
for my outburst.

Believe me, I really do
appreciate what y'all tried to do.

I just don't know what hit me.

Somehow when I
realized that this man,

My own flesh and blood,

Was the one who ran out on me...

I just suddenly felt like I'd
been sh*t out of a cannon.

All this time I've
been wanting him,

And now that he's here,

All I can think about is
hurting him the way he hurt me.

But, anthony, the
bigger the mistake,

The bigger your
heart's got to be.

Charlie's sitting
at that train station

Feeling as badly as you.

I know you don't
feel like it now,

But, anthony, for your own sake,

Find some way of forgiving him.

Why?

Because he's your daddy.

No, charlene. See,
you don't get it.

Daddy means something to you,

But it doesn't
mean a thing to me.

I wasn't raised like
opie and beaver.

Opie and beaver.

Where do you white people
get names for your kids?

I'm just trying to tell you...

Charlene, this man
did not take me fishing.

He did not help me
with my homework.

He did not even slow
down leaving town

When I was being born.

That's not a father,
that's a sperm donor.

If it doesn't fit
the way you think,

I'm sorry, but
that's the way it is.

He left a hole in me.

There's a hole in him, too.

What am I supposed to do,

Drive to the train station

And try to stop him like
the end of some movie?

Yes!

Then let's go.

Ok.

Anthony, come on. Don't
give up. Let's keep looking.

It's too late, charlene.

The train left already.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, anthony.

I'm just not feeling
proud of myself right now.

I just realized
that after 30 years,

This man finally
gets the courage

To admit he's my
father, and what do I do?

I go bananas and run out on him

The same way he did to me.

I'm just as big a
coward as he was.

If I could just see
him one more time,

Just talk to him once more.

Well, I'm not going
to fall for that twice.

Charlie!

So, you're still here, huh?

Yeah, I sort of missed my train.

I had a little shopping to do

And lost track of time.

I gave you my watch, remember?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

I'm glad you're here.

There's one thing I
want to get straight.

You say I never bothered
to come see you before,

But I have seen you.

I saw your little scrawny
newborn butt in the hospital.

I came every day for a week.

Were you wearing a brown hat?

That was me.

Your grandmother never
knew I was there because I'd hide.

I was more afraid of her
than I was of the devil.

I can understand that.

I shouldn't have
lied to you, anthony,

But I just kept thinking,

If my father had left me and
then showed up 30 years later,

Well, I'd just want
to kick his hind parts

Over the nearest fence.

Well, I must admit that
was my first impulse.

So, what are you
doing down here?

I changed my mind.

You decided to
treat this old fool

Better than he ever deserved.

Anthony, I don't have
any other children,

And at my age, I'm not going to.

You're it.

Anyway, i, uh...

Happy birthday, son.

I hope you like it.

I figured better
late than never.

A louisville slugger.

You must have been pretty
sure I was going to forgive you

To give me this.

Well, good grief,

Aren't you two
going to, you know,

Hug or something?

Uh-uh, charlene. There's
not going to be any hugging.

As a matter of fact,

You're going to be sleeping
on the floor tonight

Because I am not
giving up my bed.

You'd make an old
man sleep on the floor.

You're a sorry excuse for a son.

I might be, but that's
where you're sleeping.

Ok.

Ok.