05x04 - Miss Trial

[bunniefuu]

Ha ha ha.

What's so funny, mary jo?

This new column in the newspaper

That lists weird
crimes and stuff.

Listen to this...

A guy walks into a gas station

Demands cash, then
puts the g*n in his pants,

And it fired.

Well, then what happened?

He just screamed and ran away.

I guess once you sh**t
a g*n down your pants,

You no longer care about money.

You mean, he's still at large?

Yes. Still armed, but...

[Voice gets higher]
no longer dangerous.

[Telephone rings]

92 Rock plays the latest,

The greatest, the
best rock-'n'-roll ever!

Charlene!

Yes, this is sugarbakers.

I'm trying to win
a radio contest.

She's not here. Can
I take a message?

I'll tell her. Ok, bye-bye.

You can't answer the
phone at work that way.

I wouldn't do it normally.

I wouldn't do it to
win a trip to hawaii

Or madonna tickets,

But the prize is
too good to resist.

Yes, 92 seconds
in a record store,

You and a friend,
all you can take.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Besides, that wasn't
a business call.

It was the alterations lady

Saying julia's dress
will be ready by friday.

It better be.

She's out now getting
earrings, purse,

Shoes, belt to match.

I've never seen
julia so excited.

Wouldn't you be if
you were having dinner

With jimmy and rosalynn carter

And two other project
literacy volunteers?

I can't imagine
anything more exciting.

Hello.

Can we help you?

I have this as julia
sugarbaker's address.

She's out, but she'll be back.

I'm from the county
marshal's office.

May I wait?

Sure. Yeah, I guess.

I was about to get some coffee.

Can I get you some?

No, thank you.

Is julia in some
kind of trouble?

That's between mrs.
Sugarbaker and myself.

Because that would be crazy.

She's the most
law-abiding person I know...

Except when she
mooned those people

At a fashion show
or drove her car

Into that stand that
sells p*rn magazines

Or the robbery at the
convenience store...

Charlene!

Don't those invoices
have to go out today?

I just get nervous

When there's a county marshal

Sitting 3 feet away.

It's open-minded
of fulton county

To call you a marshal,
not a marshalette.

Maybe I could wait outside.

Julia sugarbaker?

Yes?

I'm from the fulton
county marshall's office.

What is this regarding?

I'll tell you what
it's regarding.

Anthony, you turned me in

For sh**ting you, didn't you?

She is not talking to you.

You sh*t him?

Please, just ignore her.

It's something we've
all learned to do.

Now, what was your
business with me?

I have a warrant
for your arrest.

You have repeatedly
ignored summonses

Ordering you to
appear for jury duty.

We're conducting a crackdown.

Julia, you ditched jury duty?

What I want to know is,

Why are you police
people harassing us?

Were all the doughnut
shops closed or something?

There are about a
million men out there

With long ponytails
driving b*at-up cars

That you could be tracking down.

Or a man with a
b*llet hole in his pants.

Excuse me, ms. Marshal.

I received a summons
for jury duty two times.

Both times I was unable to serve

Because of pressing
personal business.

My attorney sent letters.

I was excused.

We have no record of this.

I suggest checking again.

I happen to be a very
civic-minded person,

And when I'm called
next for jury duty,

I gladly serve...
Just not this week.

It will have to be this week,

And you'll have to come with me.

Standard procedure.

I've never been
treated this way before.

Not when you exposed
your buttocks in public

Or drove your car
into a newsstand

Or helped hold up a
convenience store?

Look, I'm trying to
run a business here.

There are important decisions

That have to be made every day.

It is crucial that I be here.

[Telephone rings]

There's another important
business call coming in right now.

92 Rock plays the latest,

The greatest rock-'n'-roll ever!

I'm sorry for that incredibly
unprofessional outburst

On this important business call.

Now, what is your vitally
important business?

What do you mean I won?

I won.

I won!

I won?

I won! I won! I won!

I certainly appreciate

All of your concern and support.

Julia, we're really sorry.

Thank you!

I bet you get out in time

To have dinner with the carters!

I bet you don't!

Hang on. You forgot your purse.

Well, it didn't turn
out to be a big deal.

They didn't stick her in jail

Or strip search her.

They put her right on a jury.

I'd give my eyeteeth
to be on a jury.

All I ever wanted to
be was a wife, a mother,

A career woman, a
country western singer,

And to serve on a jury.

I was watching as the lawyers

Pick out the rest of the jury.

Where do they find these people?

They surely don't select them

On looks, talents, or poise.

The first one was
this tight little woman

Carrying a handbag
like queen elizabeth buys.

She had this nasty permanent

That looked like the
governor pardoned her

30 Seconds after
they threw the switch.

She had these real thin lips

Pulled back tight
over her upper teeth.

I know what you mean.

My sunday school teacher
had a mouth like that.

I would stare at her.

Then she asked if
something was wrong.

I said I was going
to pray to god

To give her her lips back.

Mary jo, I'm the one

With the interesting
stories to tell, ok?

There's this other
woman there named janice.

When they asked what
she did for a living,

She said street performer.

I thought that was a fancy name

For streetwalker.

It turns out she's a mime.

I can't stand those people.

They don't know the
first thing about make-up,

And second of all, all that...

Goes through
my head like a nail.

Charlene, what are you
doing with your hands?

I'm getting in shape
for my record grab.

It's friday night.

I want my hands to be strong.

I used to be able to hold
six cassettes in one hand.

Now I can hold eight.

Don't expect me to go
into training with you.

No. You won't have to.

Why? Isn't the deal
you and a friend?

Yeah.

I would have picked you,
mary jo. It's just that...

Suzanne's so good at
grabbing and snatching.

It's so true.

When it comes to cleaning
out a store in 92 seconds,

Suzanne has actual experience.

You picked suzanne
to go with you?

Please don't be mad.

We're going to split
everything three ways...

Suzanne, me, and anthony.

How did anthony get in on this?

Hi, y'all.

Charlene, I got the maps.

Aah!

Got the maps.

What do you mean?

What are you all doing?

It's a map of the record
store to plan our att*ck.

So you sent anthony
to case the joint?

When I was in prison,

I attended seminars
with bank robbers.

They taught me

How to approach
a situation like this.

At the time, it was
purely theoretical,

Just an academic pursuit.

I never thought I get
a chance to use this.

I had no idea you all
liked music so much.

We don't. We just
like free stuff.

What are you doing here?

I though they put you on a jury.

That's correct.

We're on recess.

I just dropped by for
my reading glasses.

I thought they put
you up in a hotel

Like a big slumber party.

That's only in cases

Where there's so much publicity

The jurors have to be shielded

From newspapers and television.

It's called sequestering.

But my case is a
small ordinary one,

So I get to live in my own home,

Sleep in my own bed.

Thank heavens the whole
thing should be over

Before friday night,

So I can still go to my dinner.

You're dinner's friday night?

Yeah, what about it?

Friday night, suzanne
and I get to go crazy

In the record store.

Oh, well,

This certainly puts me
on the horns of a dilemma.

Now I'll have to choose...

Do I want to have
dinner with two people

Who are trying to change
this planet for the better

With their selfless efforts,

Or do I want to
watch you and suzanne

Go on humongous pig-fest
in a public shopping mall?

You don't have to
decide right now.

What is it, mary jo?

It's this column with
the weird stories.

This sperm bank in
decatur b*rned down,

So they asked everybody
who had assets there

To make a new deposit.

Mary jo.

This is not a tacky story.

This one guy says
he's so traumatized

That his donation got b*rned up

That now he can't make
any donations at all.

So he's suing the bank.

Isn't that crazy?

Stop this right now.

Maybe you have to be a man

To understand this.

Anthony, what do you think?

About what?

Sperm banks, impotence...
If that's not too personal.

Too personal? Don't be silly.

Of course we can discuss that,

Just as soon as
I unload the van.

I thought you
unloaded it already.

Maybe I'll drive it around
the block a few times.

I'm sorry, but the
idea of a sperm bank

Just conjures up
all sorts of images.

Can you picture
the drive-up window

Or the training

That tellers have to go through.

And, of course, there's
the christmas club.

I don't understand the whole
philosophy of sperm banks.

Give me the good old
days when sperm was free.

All right.

That's it.

I want all of you to shut up.

And not just because
that is, in fact,

An incredibly tacky story,

But because that is my case.

Oh, julia, you're kidding?

I am not kidding, mary jo.

I ditched jury duty twice.

Now god is punishing me

By giving me the case of
the flaming sperm bank.

Oh, my gosh, julia.

Do you realize what's happened?

You've heard about the
case outside of court.

I tried to get
y'all to be quiet.

You'll have to
disqualify yourself.

I certainly am not.

Then I would have
to start all over

In a new case, and
I don't have time.

I have to be done by friday.

But that's not right.

I'm sure we've influenced you.

No, charlene. You forget that.

You have not influenced me.

I never listen to
what y'all say anyway.

I don't even respect you.

I promise. Don't worry.

Just keep on collecting records.

And the next time
you speak to me,

I'll have shaken
hands with a president.

She's so happy. It
breaks my heart.

Why?

'Cause I have to turn her in.

Hello, charlene.

I wanted to thank you again

For turning me in to the judge.

Now the whole jury is
sequestered till lord knows when,

And I am here in motel hell

Sharing a room with
a woman with no lips.

Julia, I had to do it.

We violated that law.

I don't think you're
supposed to make calls.

I hate to have to
report this, too.

If you're so hepped up
about turning people in,

I believe you'll find some
overdue library books

In my upstairs den.

Report them too and
get your merit badge,

You big old donkey girl scout!

Julia, you sound overwrought.

You're going to
think overwrought.

If I miss my dinner with
jimmy and rosalynn carter,

You're going to pay.

I'm going to hunt
you down like a dog.

I'm talking about you
running through the woods

With bloodhounds
ripping your clothes off.

Remember, I have your address.

You'd be wise to ask yourself,

"Do I know where my baby is?"

Julia! Julia!

She threatened olivia.

What did she say?

She said she'd hire bloodhounds

To rip my clothes off.

I thought the judge
would warn her,

Not shut her up in a motel room.

Suzanne, you know julia.

She'll realize I had
to do it and forgive me.

Don't you think?

You and your baby
get some black wigs

And get out of town.

Maybe bill could
put in for a transfer.

I hear there's a big
base in greenland.

Julia would probably strap
some snowshoes to her pumps

And track you down like caribou.

I didn't know julia
had this in her.

Well, we all have
things about ourselves

That even we don't know.

I don't know what to do.

You're mad because
of the record grab,

And julia's mad
because I did my duty.

Charlene, don't be upset.

I'm not mad at you.

I've decided we'll split
the records four ways

So you can be in on it, too.

You'll root for us?

Of course.

Julia should have a share, too.

Why?

Because she's having
to be on that jury.

Oh, big woo.

So she's got to sit
around a courtroom.

Why should we
feel sorry for her?

She's always getting hepped up

About some legal mumbo jumbo,

Like telling me I can't park
my car on the sidewalk,

Or fire warning sh*ts
over jehovah's witnesses.

She just loves
those technicalities.

Probably having
the time of her life.

1 For, 1 for, and 1 against.

That's 7 to 4.

Who didn't vote?

Well, janice, what
is the problem?

Did you intend to
mime your vote?

I'm just not comfortable
making a decision yet.

I see.

And yet you are
perfectly comfortable

Smearing your face
with white grease paint

And annoying pedestrians
all over atlanta.

No, really, janice,

I think it's time you
came to a decision.

I think it's time you
all came to a decision.

We've been here
almost three days,

And apparently you people
have nothing better to do

Than hog up the
taxpayer's money,

Eating baskets of fried cheese,

And staying at the
fair price motel,

Which, I understand,
some of you think

Is one of the nicest
places you've been in a while.

Let me tell you.

It's not the nicest
place I have been.

And for your
further information,

I'm having dinner with
a former president

And first lady tonight

Because we are all
going to be out of here.

And the reason we're all going

To be out of here

Is that this case
is very simple.

Did any of you listen to
the judge's instructions?

He practically
told us to acquit.

The case is frivolous.

The defendant was not negligent.

Case closed.

Hit the road jack and
don't you come back

No more, no more.

Pull up to the table
and mark your ballots.

And if you don't
mark them right,

I'm going to rip that
fire extinguisher

Off the wall

And blow your overfed,
underread, simple-minded butts

Out onto the fair
price motel parking lot!

I don't think jury members

Are supposed to
thr*aten each other.

I don't appreciate that.

Oh, really.

Well, I don't appreciate

Your big old box of
june allison bladder pads

On my nightstand for all
the maids and bellboys to see!

You don't care if you
never get out of here.

You don't have to get
up to go to the bathroom!

I am passing out these
slips for the final ballot.

And I want to tell
you right now...

Read my lips... Mark
your slip wrong,

And I will wrap it around
a fried cheese ball

And shove it down your throat!

All right!

We'll get started in a minute.

How you girls doing?

Ok, team!

We're psyched and ready to go.

All right!

You haven't got much time.

Make those choices carefully.

I am putting 92 seconds
on the 92 rock clock.

Ladies, take your marks.

[Pop]

Ooh, randy travis.

Don't read it. Throw it.

Suzanne.

No heavy metal. No heavy metal.

Teamwork. I love it.

30 Seconds left!

Ladies, you've got
23 seconds left.

The cash register!

Hey, no, no.

Hey, no!

You can't do that.

Did y'all see the store
manager when we left?

He was actually crying.

He told the d.j.

He thought you would
only get $300, $400 worth.

Instead you got about 3,000.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

But I'm glad you're still
the same sweet girls

That you've always been.

Well, julia, you're home.

Did the jury decide?

Yes, we did.

I forced one more
vote just before dinner.

I just held the platter
out of their reach.

They got their creative
juices flowing all right.

Did you miss your
dinner with the carters?

Yes, I did.

Julia, will you still
hunt me and my baby down

In the woods with bloodhounds?

The only thing
that's made me smile

For the last three or four days

Is plotting my texas
chain saw revenge on you.

But I've been thinking,

And I've decided
you just can't help it.

I mean, you're
the kind of person

Who would probably tell the irs

They'd sent too big a refund.

I wouldn't do that

Unless it was a couple
hundred dollars.

I worry. The budget
deficit is enormous.

You are just a big
old donkey girl scout.

Oh, julia. These came for you.

Well... Well, what on earth...

There's a note there.

"We missed you tonight.

"We know how
government service can be.

"If you're out by 10:00,

"We're having
coffee at our hotel

With a friend. Drop by."

Signed, "jimmy and
rosalynn carter."

Yes!

Oh, but it's already
almost 10:00.

I'm just a wreck.

I can't go.

Of course you can.

You look fine.

And don't worry. I've
been to that hotel lounge.

It's dark.

You just go on down
there, big sister,

And you have a good time.

I just think I will.

Have a good time.

Ok, bye.

Oh, my gosh. Julia
left her purse.

You know what that means?

She's driving without
a license. That's illegal.

For my baby's sake,
I'll let this one slide.