05x05 - The Bachelor Auction

[bunniefuu]

Yes, we've had the subscription
for about six months.

And the magazines aren't coming,

But the bills are.

I suggest next time
you send us a bill,

You staple a copy
of the magazine to it!

Thank you.

Julia, I think working with you

Has started to affect me.

I don't tolerate
as much as I used to.




Like last night.

What happened?

Oh, just your basic date
from the armpit of hell.

All he does is talk about
how much money he has.

Picks me up in his
ferrari, tells me the cost.

Checks the time on his rolex,

Tells me what it cost.

How much?

You know that woman on the phone

Who says, "at the tone
the time will be 8:25"?

Well, it would be
cheaper just to buy her

And strap her to your wrist.

He's driven me home.

He's walked me to the door.




I'm two seconds from
a clean getaway and...

He french kissed you!

No!

Why did you say it like that?

End of the date,
saying good night,

Sounds like tongue time to me.

Ooh, that's disgusting!

Why do rich guys act like that,

Like they can get
any woman they want?

Because they can.

Oh, speak for yourself.

That's what I was
doing, charlene.

Don't you ever think

About anything but
snagging some rich old man,

Knocking him down, and
rifling through his pockets?

Sometimes I think about the
unfortunate peoples of the world,

And how I could
better their lives.

What are you talking about?

I am on the charity committee

Of the beaumont driving club.

You're not even a
member of the club.

I want to be.

If I help out, they might
give me membership.

Are they doing a charity ball?

No. A bachelor auction.

Morning, all.

Hi, anthony.

Hi. You all have to come.

Why?

Anthony is one of the bachelors.

Anthony?

Anthony, really?

Why not?

The money is going
to the salvation army.

That's a cause I believe in.

It would be fun to have women

Fighting to date me.

Anthony, you don't
mean you want to be

Just a mindless sex object

To be ogled and toyed with

And used for your body?

I believe I would like that.

You don't have to worry.

You're going to be wonderful.

I'll be your coach.

I'll teach you to
stroll on a runway

And make people crazy over you.

You'll be the
highest-priced guy there.

I know I should be insulted,

But I'm kind of liking this.

"All right, our next
bachelor is don puffer,

"Who some of you may know

As the golf pro at beaumont."

Oh, I know him.

He's not bad.

Mary jo!

I might have to bid here.

"Now, if you purchase don,

"Your date will be a day
of private golf lessons,

"Followed by dinner at the club,

"All donated by the
beaumont driving club.

"Now, don is 32," loves
reading, swimming,

"And he's just a tad bitter

"About never
making the pro tour.

I know I would sure like
to play around with him."

What does that mean?

Well, let's start
the bidding at 100.

$100.

$150!

Don's got a gut.

I'll wait for another one.

Do you mind?

I like this.

The tables are turned.

Now we've got the bucks,

And they have to strut for us!

We make good money.

We work hard.

We should chip in and buy a man.

She had a daiquiri.

Now she's got a power surge.

I had one daiquiri.

If I want to, I'll buy a man.

I might buy two
and give you one.

You'd better be careful!

In I love lucy,

Lucy and ethel had
trouble at an auction.

When they did this,

They accidentally
bid on something.

Maybe that happens
a lot at auctions.

Oprah winfrey bought
a table worth $20,000

For $220,000.

Maybe she wasn't
interested in that table.

Maybe she was just, you
know, waving away a bug.

Well, it can't happen here.

You can't just signal.

You have to call a number.

Besides, I did not come

To talk about lucy and oprah!

I am trying to evaluate
some serious stud flesh.

Julia!

Ooh, look, there's anthony!

Hi, anthony!

Hi, hi!

Oh, hon, hon, stand up straight.

Lick your lips.

Smile!

Julia, come here.

Excuse me.

He's going to be so good.

Julia.

You've got to help me!

They made me wear this.

Well, it's very nice.

Very cool, very ventilated.

Julia, I did not
think this thing

All the way through.

The idea of having
people bid on me...

I feel like toby on roots.

Besides, what is the
matter with those women?

I mean, hooting and
hollering and barking?

Anthony, I'm sorry.

A lot of those women
went to a luncheon

At the ruffles
and bows tea room.

There was a two for
one special on daiquiris.

Oh no!

Yes.

I'm sorry, anthony.

It looks like you'll
have a bad time.

I do not want to be a
sex object anymore!

I'd like to help.

I don't see how.

There's something you could do.

Look here, look here.

You see that woman out there?

Her name is lenora faulkoff.

She's a teacher at my college.

She's always been after me.

She's worked herself
up into a frenzy!

I know she'll buy me.

Look at all that money!

She must have been
saving up for years!

You've got to do something.

You got to keep
her from buying me!

Anthony, how could I do that?

You all got me here,

So please try to do something.

Howdy!

No visitors backstage, please,

And don't touch the merchandise.

I beg your pardon.

I'm just here
visiting a dear friend.

I can assure you I have
absolutely no interest

In this meat market.

Boy, she makes me feel so cheap.

450!

This guy's going for a lot!

We ought to join in.

If I paid my house late
and got generic dog food,

I could swing it.

You're out of control!

Look at that stomach!

It's so flat you
could eat dinner on it.

475!

Sold for 475!

"Now our next bachelor is
from sugarbaker's design firm.

Anthony bouvier."

"Anthony is also an
independent contractor,

"So you can call him
to get your floor laid

Or anything else."

I don't get it.

"Anthony loves polo, baccarat,

And collecting
confederate memorabilia."

Collecting confederate
memorabilia?

I didn't know that.

I filled out the
questionnaire, ok?

Anthony, anthony. Do the turn.

Do it.

"Now, your date with anthony

"Will be dinner for two,

"Cooked and served in your home

By chef jean-claude
of the ritz-carlton."

All right, we'll start
the bidding at $100.

$100.

125.

150.

I certainly don't think

He's very attractive.

His head is very flat.

160.

175.

I'm serious. I wouldn't
waste my money.

Look at that bottom.

It's very, very large.

185.

Julia, anthony's very handsome.

$200.

225.

240.

250.

275. You said his
butt was too big.

280. I like them big.

The bigger the better.

All right. Now we're talking.

$300.

I have 300.

Are there any more bids?

300? That's it?

$300 Is a lot of money.

How much did you
think he'd fetch?

300 Once, 300 twice...
Well, at least 500.

Sold for $500 to
that lady right there,

Miss suzanne sugarbaker.

Well, suzanne, it looks
like you bought toby.

Well, suzanne,

I guess this is just
your dream come true...

Finally getting to buy anthony.

Please. Can we just
quit talking about this?

Come on, suzanne,

You're always calling anthony up

And making him come
over and do stuff,

And now he's all
yours for one night.

♪ Now you've got
a date with anthony

Be serious.

I'm not going through with it.

Suzanne, didn't you get involved

In this whole
bachelor auction thing

Just so you could impress

The beaumont charity committee?

If you don't go on that date,

How you going to
explain that to them?

I'll tell them I got sick.

As a matter of fact, I
think I am getting sick.

Haven't you heard of
that yuppie flu stuff?

I been feeling tired lately.

I think I'm getting that
roseanne barr disease.

Suzanne, I think you
mean epstein-barr.

Whatever that one is

When you can only lie around,

But nobody can prove
you're not sick. That one.

That would be
roseanne barr disease.

Listen to me, suzanne.

You're going out on
this date with anthony

If I have to drag you.

Why do you care?

Two reasons.

First of all, because you cannot

Just say you're
going to do something,

Get all the applause,
and then not do it.

And secondly,
because I'm getting tired

Of the way you treat anthony.

I don't care what
you're getting tired of.

You go on the date with anthony.

Go on the date with him.

I'd go if I was single

And I didn't have to
work with him every day.

I mean, those workplace
romances can be very awkward.

I knew a couple in
poplar bluff who tried it...

Doyle davis and norma kapps.

They worked at the dairy queen.

Doyle made ice cream cones.

Norma dipped
them in chocolate...

In addition to her duties
at the mistee machine.

They broke up and
swore up and down

That they wouldn't let it affect

Their professional relationship.

But, of course, whenever doyle

Handed her an ice
cream cone to dip,

Norma stuck it down his pants.

Now, that does not seem
very professional to me.

Pretty soon,
everybody stopped going

To that dairy queen.

Well, I don't think I could
add anything to that.

Except to say

That I think that
anthony is great,

And I certainly
wouldn't have a problem

Having dinner with him.

That's right.
That's all it is...

Dinner with a
friend at your house.

Would you all get real?

It's not dinner with
a friend. It's a date.

You know the difference.

What?

The difference is what
happens after dinner.

What are you so scared of?

Do you know what
anthony said to me today?

He said... "I'll
see you tonight."

Can you believe it?

You know what he meant.

Yes. That means
he'll see you tonight.

You're thinking it's
because he's black.

Well, you're wrong.

I wouldn't go out with a
white ex-convict either,

So it's not r*cist. Ha ha ha.

Thank you for that very
enlightened viewpoint,

Coretta scott king.

You're going through with this.

I'll be at your house tonight

To make sure you do.

Good. Then I won't
be alone with him.

You'll chaperone.

Suzanne, you're just ridiculous.

I might be ridiculous,
but I'm not stupid.

I'll see you at 8:00.

Shouldn't you be
getting dressed?

Anthony will be here soon.

This is what I'm wearing.

I don't think that's very nice.

One of the best chefs in atlanta

Is knocking himself out

To prepare a special
dinner for the two of you.

He's fixing pate de fois gras,

Beef wellington,
chocolate souffle.

I think the least you
could do is take a shower.

I don't care for any
grooming tips, ok?

It'll be hard enough
holding anthony off as it is.

Anthony probably doesn't
want to come over here either,

But at least he's showing

A little grace under pressure.

Grace under pressure.

He's probably at home

Anointing his body with oil.

Ok, that's it.

I'm leaving.

You're not leaving me
alone with him, are you?

Yes, I am.

Oh!

What am I going to do?

Oh, it's no good.
I'm still gorgeous.

Oh, my gosh.

Consuela!

Get the door!

Anthony.

Bonsoir.

For you.

For you.

And... For me.

Anthony, what are you doing?

I figure you'll
get me out of here

As soon as possible.

I better eat quickly.

You're silly. Put
that thing away.

I don't know. Now
that you're here,

Maybe this won't be so bad.

They're cooking us a
nice dinner right now, so...

You can stay.

Are you sure?

Of course.

Just dinner with a friend.

Nothing more.

Ahem.

Come on.

You know, you dance pretty good,

I mean, for a white girl.

It's all those
cotillion classes.

I haven't really
danced in ages, though.

All these old men I date,

They're always begging off.

Always offering the
same lame excuses.

Well, like what?

Like they're lame.

Or they got arthritis
or they broke a hip

Or their pacemaker's
malfunctioning.

You know, the usual.

Where'd you learn
to dance so good?

In prison.

We loved to dance.

You haven't lived

Until you've cha-cha'd
with a guy on death row.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe I'm dancing
with an ex-convict.

Anthony...

You really think I'm good,

I mean, you know,
for a white girl?

Yes, I do.

Ha ha ha.

Well, this evening sure
didn't turn out like I thought.

Didn't turn out
like I thought either.

It was kind of fun.

Yeah.

I always have such a good time

When I'm with you.

I guess it's because,

Well, everybody else is
always trying to change me,

Make me act right.

You're the only one
who doesn't do that.

That's because I know
something they don't know.

What's that?

You're never going to act right.

Well...

It's nice to have one
person who accepts me

Just the way I am.

Anthony?

You're my best friend.

Thank you, miss daisy.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I do know.

Well, it's getting kind of late.

Yeah, I know.

Well...

Good night.

Good night.

We're going... Aah!

Anthony, get off of me.

I hurt my back.

Ow.

What the hell are you doing?

I have a g*n.

You're standing on my arm.

sh**t.

I'm all wet.

Well, it's no wonder.

You knocked over the birdbath.

What the heck were
you trying to do?

You were stepping
backwards off the porch.

I was trying to catch you.

Well, good job.

What do you mean jerking
away from me like that?

I didn't want you to kiss me.

Kiss you?

I wasn't trying to...
Why should I want...

Suzanne, let me ease
your mind about this.

I do not want to kiss you.

Not now, not ever!

You don't have to be insulting.

Water's going down my back.

Now, look at this.

You've ripped the
seam in my coat.

It's rented.

Anthony, don't be ridiculous.

Consuela can sew
that up for you.

We'll get you a bathrobe

While your clothes dry.

Ow.

I think my arm is broken

Where you stood on it.

Don't be silly. Can
you move your fingers?

Then your arm's not broken.

Get in the house,
and we'll fix you up.

Suzanne.

What?

This is what I thought
tonight would be like.

Suzanne hasn't come in yet?

No.

And anthony's being
very close-mouthed

About whatever
happened last night.

I did notice he was
holding his arm funny.

Oh, lord. You think
she sh*t him again?

I don't think so.

I can't wait to hear
the whole scoop.

Hi, y'all.

Hi, suzanne. Hi, suzanne.

How was your date with anthony?

Oh, charlene, you
all are so silly.

It wasn't a date.

Anthony's been to my
house a hundred times.

This was no different.

Well, how reasonable of you.

Why couldn't we think of that?

When are y'all going to realize

That anthony and I are
employer and employee

And nothing more?

Hi, suzanne.

Hi, anthony.

How you doing this morning?

Just fine.

Oh, anthony, here's your watch.

Where was it?

Under the nightstand.

It must have fallen off

When I was changing clothes.

Did you have a problem

Returning your dinner jacket?

They didn't even notice
where it was ripped.

It was just a tiny tear.

You practically ripped
that thing off my back.

Oh.

We'll close this door
so we won't bother you.

I think consuela put
starch in my undershorts.

She's probably just mad at me

For waking her up to wash them.

I shouldn't have let
you take off my clothes.

Well, what choice did you have?

Not much, I guess.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

You are a wild woman,
suzanne sugarbaker.

That'll just be
our little secret.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.