05x06 - Charlene Buys a House

[bunniefuu]

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

No, this is not the
psychic world bookstore.

Yes, I know that's the
number on the flyer,

But it's a misprint.

It should be 555-6788.

Yes, you're welcome.

It's another call for
that psychic bookstore.

I must have answered
20 of those yesterday.

I've had about enough.

Somebody called
here at 10:00 last night

Just desperate to
buy some crystals.

What is it with these new
age people and their crystals?

I don't know.

I think it's because crystals
are a natural formation.

Well, so's cow dung,

But I don't want to hang
it on my rear-view mirror.

We tried to cooperate
with these people.

But no more.

If anybody calls, we're not
giving out that store's number.

What if they ask us for it?

Just say, "you're
psychic. Guess."

What are you doing?

I'm trying to relax.

My dentist informed me
I've been grinding my teeth.

She gave me this little
cork to put in my mouth

To keep me from clenching
my jaw and getting headaches.

It will prevent
frown lines, too.

People will just
admire your smooth skin

And not notice the
cork in your mouth.

I'm sorry, mary jo,

But that's a ridiculous
way to go around.

Why? We've wanted to put a
cork in your mouth for years.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

No, this is not...

Psychic world
bookstore. Good morning.

Oh, you're looking
for some books

About channeling, are you?

Well, you know, I'm sorry.

We don't carry those anymore.

Why not?

Well, you see, we found
out there's no such thing.

Yes, it was all
just a silly hoax

Designed to separate
rich and foolish people

From their money.

Boy, are we embarrassed.

Yeah, it's true.

And, oh, by the way,

Crystals are just rocks.

Spread the word.

You shouldn't have done that.

I'm sick and tired

Of all this supernatural
hocus-pocus

From supposedly educated people.

I went to the state fair once.

There was this little booth,

And for some reason,
I was drawn to it.

I spent $5.00 to talk to this
little psychic lady inside.

I don't know why.

I had earmarked that
money for a corn dog.

She told me I'd been a worker

On the egyptian
pyramids in a previous life.

That's why I get backaches.

Then she said I had
been unjustly imprisoned

During the spanish inquisition,

Just as I'd been unjustly
imprisoned in this life.

It was eerie.

See? You shouldn't fool
around with those people.

What else did she say?

Well, now...

This might sound kind of silly,

But she said in my
most recent life,

I'd been a dog
with a tight collar.

That's why I have
this lump on my neck.

Where?

Oh, see, it's right here.

Woof!

Aah!

That's not funny!

Woof! Woof!

I'll get you for that.

Awoo!

Stop that!

Don't you howl at me.

My phone rang as I
was leaving the house.

It was our real estate agent.

Our bid was accepted.

I'm a homeowner!

Congratulations.

The house has been in
probate for a long time.

I wish bill could see
me sign the papers.

Doesn't he sign them, too?

Since he's gone so much, I
have power of attorney.

Bill's thrilled
we got the house.

When do we see it?

I'm signing the
papers there at noon.

Y'all come, then we'll
go to lunch to celebrate.

Great, but we'll have
to come back right after

And get some work done.

The reason I want
you to go is work.

I want to hire y'all
to decorate my house.

We could get a lot done

Before bill and
the baby get back.

It would be neat,
working together.

Is that a good idea?

Come on, julia.

We're not very busy right now.

We could use the work.

Friends working for
friends can lead to trouble.

We could do some
consulting for you,

Free of charge.

No. Treat me like any other
customer. You have to promise.

All right.

We'll treat you
just like anybody

Off the street.

Just like a total stranger

We didn't give two hoots about.

You promise?

Yes.

Thank you.

Marvin, are you here?

Oh, hi.

Everybody, this is
marvin sheinberg,

My real estate agent.

He's darla sue's husband.

They work as a team.
Where is she today?

She couldn't come, and I
have another appointment.

If we could sign and
leave, I'd appreciate it.

Well, everybody,
what do you think?

Don't say anything negative.

Why would we say
anything negative?

Charlene, my gosh, it's just...

It's just great.

It needs fresh
paint and wallpaper.

If we're going to
decorate this place,

We can start by dumping him.

Who is this?

Bob cole. His family
was the original owners.

His heirs left that picture.

I left my briefcase outside.

Let's sign out there.

I'll be right back.

All right.

Gee, this is just great.

Why would charlene
think we wouldn't love it?

Of course, we'll want
to take care of that.

Gosh, did you see that?

What was that?

Anthony?

Anthony, is that you?

He's playing
another trick on me.

Suzanne, just calm down.

It's easy to see
what's wrong here.

This floor's just slanted.

When you put the chair here,

It just naturally
slides a little.

See? It'll do it again.

Well, I think that it's...

Some, uh, ghostly incident.

I think old bob
cole here did it.

That's not very funny.

Look at him up
there all puffed up.

I wouldn't be saying that.

What'll he do to me?

I know what y'all are thinking,

And it's just silly.

Look, the nail fell out
of that mortar there.

Well, the house is all mine.

Want to sign the
decorating papers?

How soon can you start?

Charlene, a few things

Have been happening around here.

Nothing of any significance.

We just wondered if
there was some explanation.

You mean like things
moving around,

And that painting falling?

Yes.

There's a logical explanation.

Of course.

The house is haunted.

You can slap on as
much paint as you want.

It's a spook house.

That's all it is.

I knew it was haunted.

That's why I bought it.

It's famous.

I cannot believe

Your house was actually in one
of these supermarket tabloids.

I know.

Listen to this.

They call it

"The grand ghostly
mansion of atlanta,

"Where, inexplicably,
the ghost of bob cole

"Still walks the
halls in his underwear,

Carrying a can of beer."

Something about this
doesn't sound right.

That's amazing.

What it says about your house?

No. Gary coleman
sued his parents?

When did that happen?

I didn't hear about that.

That's incredible.

They probably went
to every single taping

Of different strokes.

This is the thanks they get?

Let's get back to these samples.

Julia, I'm paying for this time.

Since you work for me now,

I should be able to talk
about whatever I want to.

Charlene, you seem to have
me confused with ed mcmahon.

We are not here
to listen to you yak

And laugh at your jokes.

We're here to work.

Haven't you heard
the expression,

"The customer's always right"?

Haven't you heard the
expression, "shut up"?

Julia, do you treat all of
our customers this way?

Come on.

You're not really a customer.

Yes, i... Yes, I am.

I'm a total stranger.

You wouldn't tell a
total stranger to shut up.

I would.

I did recently to a man

Who was having an asthma
att*ck in first class.

Y'all want to work? Ok.

I've been avoiding
hurting your feelings,

But I'm very unhappy

About the color
of this living room.

What's wrong with it?

You picked it out.

I picked out a cocoa.

This looks like very dark dirt.

I couldn't be happy
with this color

Unless I was a dirt dauber.

I shouldn't pay for a color

That didn't turn out the
way it was supposed to.

Oh, get real, charlene.

You picked it. We painted it.

What's so hard to understand?

Like I told my ex-husbands,

"You married me.

"You thought we would have sex.

We're not going to."

End of story.

Wooooooo!

What the heck are
you supposed to be,

A train?

I'm just trying to add
a little atmosphere

To charlene's haunted house.

Anthony, bring
down a curtain rod

From the master bedroom.

I can't do that, miss julia.

I's too scared.

There's ghostses up there.

I's scared of ghostses.

Anthony, please. I'm running
a little short on humor.

Oh, please don't tell me

Mr. Bob cole
has paid us a visit.

If I see some ghost
in here tonight,

I's die of fright with my
hair turns snow white.

That's very good, anthony.

I just love that n*gro humor.

They should make more movies

With scared black
people in them.

Well, suzanne.

Write spike lee a letter.

I'm sure you and he
would really get along.

Well, I love scary movies.

Me, too.

I missed all that halloween fun

When I was a kid.

We couldn't afford any
store-bought costume.

How did you dress?

I always went as a businessman.

Like with a suit and tie?

It was my
grandfather's old suit.

I wore it every year.

One year, I put some
ketchup on my head,

And I went as a
dead businessman.

But I always wanted a
store-bought costume.

Look at the time.

We better be getting
back to the store.

Don't worry, mrs. Stillfield.

We'll tell the
painters to come back.

Mrs. What?

You want to be treated
like a regular customer.

Remember, don't close the
doors or windows tonight.

Why not?

The paint has to dry.

I can't leave my house open.

I can't leave my
belongings unprotected.

They won't be unprotected.

Bob will be here.

My contract with
sugarbaker's states

That y'all are responsible

For the security of my house.

What does that mean?

That y'all have
to stay the night.

[Clanking]

What was that?

I think bob just
dropped his beer can.

Hey.

Food's here.

Did you get everybody's jammies?

Yeah.

Suzanne's was
such a pain to find.

You know, she keeps each
one of her peignoir sets

In a separate garment bag.

Boo!

I got you! I got you back!

What on earth is
going on down here?

Oh, I scared anthony.
I got him back.

Congratulations, suzanne.

Now stop the practical jokes.

Where does your
overnight stuff go?

Leave it down here.

The upstairs lights
aren't working.

What happened?

Your electrician
didn't finish the job

Before he left.

That electrician of ours?

That's rusty.

He's been with us forever.

I didn't have to
pay for him before.

Now that I'm paying for him,

When he comes back tomorrow,

I want him to pull up his pants.

Charlene, this is rusty.

He always wear his
pants below the equator.

I don't like it in my house.

Well, sorry, mrs. Stillfield.

I know I forced
you guys to stay.

But this could be fun.

We can tell ghost stories
and roast marshmallows.

We're not here to have
fun, we're here to work.

When we finish dinner,

We should go to sleep.

What if that bob
cole decides to visit?

He can sleep with you.

You're used to being
in bed with dead men.

[Creaking]

What was that?

Probably just a tree
limb scraping the house.

Really? It sounds

Like somebody dragging
a dead body to me.

Anthony! You're
trying to scare us.

It sounded like a dead body.

[Crash]

What was that?

I don't know.

Uh... I'll go up and check.

Probably a
squirrel in the attic.

I don't think so.

It definitely sounded
like something fell.

That's right. He dropped a nut.

Just let me say two things...

First, I do not like it here.

Secondly, anthony
shouldn't be sleeping

In the same room with all of us.

It just doesn't look right.

Suzanne, I cannot believe,

After you have had
anthony wax your legs

And sleep in the same
motel room with you,

That you would care
whether he sacked out here.

I don't really care.

I just said that

Because someone should say it

Because it's the
right thing to say.

If anybody asks me about this,

I can just say,
"it wasn't my idea."

Grrrrr!

Aah!

I got you that time.

Don't be silly. I
knew it was you.

Where did you get that?

He bought it at
the grocery store.

They had costumes on sale.

You finally got your costume.

And that's so much scarier

Than if you had just
been a dead businessman.

I got you good.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I wasn't scared.

Now we have to
tell ghost stories.

Charlene, get this straight...

We're not telling ghost stories,

We're not roasting marshmallows,

We're not braiding
each other's hair,

We're not freezing
our underwear,

And we're not calling anyone

And asking them if their
refrigerator is running.

We're going to
turn out the lights

And go to sleep.

[Door slams]

Wa ha ha ha ha!

Maybe just a few
marshmallows wouldn't hurt.

There's this girl
hitchhiking in her prom dress.

This guy picks her up,

And she tells him
she's late for her prom.

She gives him the address.

And then she disappears
from a moving car.

He goes to the address,
and it's a cemetery.

And he finds her tombstone.

And it says she
d*ed 25 years ago

On that very day
on her prom night.

And there's a fresh
corsage on her grave.

You got a little
marshmallow right here.

Mary jo, didn't that
story scare you?

Not really. I'd heard it before.

Well, I never heard it.

It's a stupid story.

Who hitchhikes to a prom?

It probably was
a hillbilly prom,

Where the girls go stag
in the back of a truck.

She probably just fell off.

Well, I have had my
obligatory marshmallow,

And now I would
like to go to bed

Before we proceed
on to the famous

Hook on the car door story.

I never heard that
one. What happened?

This escaped convict,
with just a hook for a hand,

Sneaks up on this
couple in a parked car...

Charlene.

Julia, I hate to point this out,

But since I'm paying
you for this time,

I should be able to
tell any story I want to.

You haven't got enough money.

Whatever happened

To "the customer's
always right"?

Charlene, if you say
that one more time,

The customer is
going to find herself

Impaled on a marshmallow
roasting stick.

Grrrrrr!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

I got you all that time.

That's right, anthony.

You really got us all.

You scared us out of our skins.

You've got the
scariest costumes,

Charlene's got
the scariest story,

But I've got the scariest life

Because I have to
work with you people.

Now, I hope y'all got
this out your systems

Because I'm really
going to bed now.

And the person who wakes me up

Will live to regret it.

All right, julia.

We're all going to sleep.

Y'all are a bunch
of party poopers.

That's easy for you to say.

You don't have to
get up in the morning

And work for cranky
old mrs. Stillfield.

[Howling]

[Knock knock]

Hello.

Hello!

What time is it?

7:30.

Your electrician's
here, mrs. Stillfield.

Oh, good.

Hi, rusty.

Well, that's a fine thing to see

First thing in the morning.

The return of rusty

Or nightmare on cr*ck street.

Uh, I'm going upstairs.

Yes, you do that, rusty.

I'm awful sorry you had
to see that, mrs. Stillfield.

When rusty comes back down,

I'll try and throw a
drop cloth over his butt.

Oh, mary jo. I'm sorry.

I apologize to all of you,

The way I've acted.

I've just been so scared
the last couple of days.

Not 'cause of the ghost...

'Cause of buying this house.

I've never been in debt before.

Now I'm in it up to my earlobes.

I'm so afraid of
making a big mistake.

You all think I did.

Charlene, we don't.

It's a great house.

Remember when I was
down in the basement

Putting on my mask?

Guess what I saw.

A skeleton?

No.

Copper piping.

This house has
brand-new plumbing.

And then when I
was up in the attic

Making those stomping noises...

We knew it was you.

2-Inch quality insulation,

Solid beams, and a
brand-new forced air heater.

Charlene, from a
contractor's point of view,

This is a very well-built house.

This was a very smart buy.

Really?

I needed to hear that so bad.

And I wouldn't worry about
that big coffin up there.

Mrs. Sugarbaker.

It was just one wire.

It's all taken care of.

Need anything else?

Yes, rusty.

There's just one thing
you can do for me.

If you could just
step over here.

Help! It's bob cole!

Aah!