05x11 - My Daughter, Myself

[bunniefuu]

Well, I can't believe this.

What?

I'm trying to pick a
sweater out for claudia.

Listen to the colors available.

"Asphalt, kiwi, bisque,
cactus, and gumbo."

Gumbo?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You mean, they named a color

After that little clay
man with the lopsided head?

Suzanne, his name is not gumbo.

It's gumby. Gumby.

Gumby and pokey,
pokey and gumby.

Everybody knows that.

Excuse me. I haven't
memorized all the names

Of all the clay people
in the world, ok?

Wish they'd call it gumby.

I'd know that color.

Julia, traffic's going
to be bad downtown.

We better get going.

I know. I'm ready.

Me, too.

Y'all have a good time.

My friend says these
are on the 50-yard line.

I haven't been to a
football game in ages.

Georgia tech's
team's great this year.

If we don't want to miss
the kick-off, let's go.

Mary jo, you're
closing up, right?

Sure. Julia, you really
are a football fan.

When hayden was alive,
we planned our weekends

Around the georgia tech games.

Y'all remember that saying?

In the east, football
is a cultural exercise.

In the mid-west,
it's cannibalism.

In the west, it's a
tourist attraction.

But in the south,

It's a religion.
It's a religion.

You don't want to go?
I have an extra ticket.

Football? Oh, please.

If I want to watch people
in giant shoulder pads

And tight pants
fighting each other,

I'll watch a rerun of dynasty.

I'm serious. You
should let me fix you up.

It's friday night and
what are you doing?

Well, claudia's picking
me up in a few minutes,

Then she's going out tonight.

I'll look through
some of these catalogs.

Maybe I'll find her a present.

Her 18th birthday's coming up.

Claudia's going
to be 18 already?

I can't believe it, either.

I still look at her
and see a little girl.

She and her friends
get all dressed up

And they look 25.

They go to clubs and meet boys.

Well, I just worry.

She can look sophisticated,

But she's still
just 17 years old.

And I worry.

I think maybe she might
be getting involved

With older boys...
You know, 19, 20.

I know that's just two or
three years age difference,

But that's a lot when
you're a teenager.

You know how that works.

What do you mean,
like dog years?

Sort of.

I don't see the problem

With somebody dating
somebody two years older.

You don't see the problem

With dating somebody
52 years older.

Hi, mom.

Oh, hi, honey.

Give me a second.

Thanks for letting me
use the car this afternoon.

Hi, suzanne.

Hi.

Suzanne, you'll close up?

Maybe. What do I have to do?

All you have to do
is turn the lights off

And lock the door.

Oh, all right!

I have to do
everything around here.

What have you been doing?

You've been gone an hour.

This line isn't moving.

Just forget about it.

Charlene, I need to
use the restroom.

I would like to
just forget about it,

But that's difficult
sitting in the stands

With 25,000 people who
are yelling, "go, go, go!"

Hey, there y'all are.

Get you anything at
the concession stand?

No. No, thank you.

Cola, orange drink, root beer,
coffee, juice, sparkling water?

No, thank you.

I'll go in the men's
room right quick.

You know something?

This is why women never
get interested in football.

We never get a chance
to follow the game.

We see the first
play. We get in line.

If we're lucky, we see
them sh**t the final g*n.

Y'all ready?

How did you do that?

Did... Do what?

Just walk in and walk out.

Why isn't there a line
at the men's room?

I can explain that.

Men take care of their
business and leave.

They don't stand in
front of the mirror

Going, "bill, does
this make me look fat?

"Does anybody have
mustache wax? I have some.

I look terrible.
You look great."

Anthony, we get your point.

There is no primping
going on in there.

Half don't even zip up
till they're back outside.

You know something? I've
noticed that. That's interesting.

No woman would wait
till she got back outside

To zip up her pants.

Occasionally, one
of us gets her dress

Tucked up inside her pantyhose.

That is almost always
just an accident.

Oh, and in addition,

Excuse me for possibly
being indelicate,

But men can go anywhere.

Yes, anthony, we know.

I never thought about it before.

This is probably why
men rule the world.

Women are too busy
waiting for an available stall.

Interesting theory, anthony.

However, I hasten to remind you

They don't award a
nobel prize in literature

Just because something
is written in the snow.

The real reason women
have to stand in line

Is because the male designers

Of stadiums and concert halls

Refuse to acknowledge one fact.

Namely, because of obvious
anatomical differences,

They should build more
and larger women's rooms.

Yeah! Yeah!

Well, sure, that's true,

But what do we do till then?

All right. I can tell you

What I'm going to do.

Julia.

All right, now hear this.

Women are coming in.

So zip up those zippers,

Buckle those belts,
wash those hands,

And hit the road.

Security.

Goodbye, mom.

I'm spending the
night at kelly's.

You said it was ok.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait one minute.

I have one question.

What?

Who are you?

Mom.

This afternoon you
were in pigtails and jeans.

And now you look qualified

To be an honorary
landers sister.

I got to go, mom.

I don't think so.

What?

You know the rule.

When a boy picks you up,

He doesn't honk. He
comes in and I meet him.

Mom.

You don't want me to meet him?

Hmm? Is he older?

19, 20?

I don't know how old he is, mom.

I barely know him.

I just want to meet him.

If you're interrogating
him, do it alone.

I'm not going to
interrogate him.

I just want to talk to him.

Interrogate him.

Where does she get this stuff?

Hi.

Is, uh, claudia ready?

How old are you?

34.

That's disgusting.

I agree, but what can I do?

Are you related to
claudia or something?

I'm her mother.

Your age?

36.

How old is claudia?

17.

My god.

As if you didn't know.

She doesn't look 17.
She looks more like 25.

She looks 17. Any
fool could see that.

Ought to call her father

And have come b*at you up.

Luckily for you
he lives in decatur

And has a 24-year-old
girlfriend himself.

I just cannot believe you men.

What do you mean, us men?

You men hanging around
clubs picking up little girls.

I thought she was older.

You're absolutely right
to be upset. I understand.

You can't date her.

Of course not.

You're not giving
me an argument?

What kind of argument?

Well, like she's almost 18

And she should be allowed

To make her own mistakes.

I'm overprotective.
You're a nice guy,

And you'll have
her back by 11:00.

Would that work?

No.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little
confused about this.

It's the first time something
like this has come up.

Do you think I'm
being overprotective?

You don't know me,

But the truth is I'm a nice guy.

Then why are you in clubs?

It's not by choice.

Where can I meet women?

Where do you meet people?

Well, I don't really.

Where do you find guys?

Here. There.

Around.

Actually, I don't go out much.

Me, either.

This is the whole problem.

I'd really like to meet
someone like you...

Some cute, sharp women my age,

But where are you all?

I'd give anything to
meet a woman like you.

Really?

Hey, I moved to atlanta
two months ago.

I work in an engineering
firm full of men.

I have to rely on
these chance meetings.

I can understand that.

I'm nice. I don't want
to date teenage bimbos.

Are you calling my
daughter a bimbo?

No, no. I'm just... Look...

Are you doing anything tonight?

Well, just paying a few bills.

Thought I'd look through
a couple of catalogs.

Maybe check the
dog's teeth for plaque.

You're supposed to
do that occasionally.

Why don't we go have

A cup of coffee or something?

Are you asking me out?

Well... Yeah.

I thought you had
a date with claudia.

I thought you wouldn't let her.

I'm not.

Then how about it?

So, i... I see. I'm
your second choice.

No, no.

You're my first choice.

Claudia's not good
enough for you?

She happens to
be a beautiful girl.

Yes, she is. She's
very beautiful.

Pervert.

Well, it doesn't look
like I can win this one.

So...

You won't even consider
having coffee with me?

Let's not be too hasty.

There's some female
relatives you haven't met yet.

There's a grandmother,
a few aunts.

Look, I left my car running.

Why don't I park
it, then we'll talk?

Ok?

Ok.

Just don't say anything.

I knew you were
going to send him away.

I'm going to kelly's overnight.

Claudia, wait.

I knew you were
going to hate him.

Claudia.

Well, I don't exactly hate him.

So, what about
that cup of coffee?

Ok, but this is not a date.

Oh, absolutely not.

I'm really glad I met you.

This has been
educational for me.

How?

Well, now I know
why claudia's so cute.

Julia, I just cannot believe

That you crashed
that men's room.

You are so brave.

I'd be too embarrassed

To show my face
in public ever again.

It's not like anyone's
ever going to know.

Hey, I know you. You
were in the men's room.

Yes, I was. Nice
to see you again.

Julia, you're famous.

All right. Let's just
change the subject, please.

Well, what did y'all
think of the game?

I was surprised the kicker
missed that field goal.

After being in the men's room,

I'd think you'd know some of
us don't have very good aim.

Anthony! Anthony!

Thanks. I had a
really good time.

Do you mind if I
call you sometime?

I'd like that. Let me
get you the number.

He already has it.

I thought you were
spending the night with kelly.

Kelly got sick.
What are you doing?

Well, i... I just felt so bad

That y'all couldn't go out,

So we had coffee, kind
of smoothed things over.

You went out with him?

It was not a date.

You wouldn't let
me go. You wanted to.

Mary jo, I'll call you.

What?

Claudia, look.

I've always tried to be
very honest with you kids.

The truth is, he's not an
appropriate date for you

Because he's 34 years old.

He's an appropriate date for me.

I would have told
you, but you left.

You and quentin are the most
important people in the world.

I'd never date this guy if
you had feelings for him.

You met him once
for a few minutes,

And as strange
as I feel about it,

I don't think that I
did anything wrong.

Can you understand that?

No.

I cannot believe this
is happening to me.

I finally meet a guy I'm
interested in going out with,

And I can't ever see him again,

Because he asked my
daughter out first.

How's claudia
reacting to all this?

Not well.

I just never dreamed I
would be in a position

Where I would be in sexual
competition with my daughter.

I mean, this is just all
too symbolic for me.

Symbolic of what?

You know, the
passing of the torch.

If my daughter is
now eligible to date

All the attractive
single men in the world,

Then maybe I should
just hang it up.

Mary jo, there are thousands
of single men out there.

You'll meet the one
that's right for you.

I doubt it. I can't even
find the thousands.

Of course julia thinks there's
thousands of men out there.

She's been hanging
around in men's bathrooms.

I have met one guy
in the last six months,

And he was coming
to pick up my daughter.

I don't mean to make
a big issue of this,

But I should never
see the man again.

It seems a waste.

I had good feelings about him.

You know how it is when
you have a good feeling.

You know what this
all reminds me of?

That movie, mildred pierce,

Where joan crawford
works her fingers to the bone

To support her
daughter ann blyth.

Ann takes her mother's money

And steals her
mother's boyfriend.

What happened?

Ann blyth sh**t the
boyfriend and kills him.

Joan crawford won
the academy award,

And ann blyth never did
any big movies after that,

But she did show up

Doing those commercials
for hostess cupcakes

Where she had company over,

And she serves them hostess
cupcakes on a silver platter.

She kept saying
she was ann blyth,

And they put her
name on the screen,

"Ann blyth for
hostess cupcakes."

The cupcake-buying public
wasn't all that impressed.

Don't you think
that's embarrassing,

When somebody does a
celebrity endorsement,

Everyone's going, who are you?

It was like that woman who
did those vo5 commercials,

Rula lenska.

That was a few years ago,

But I still wonder,
who is rula lenska,

And I wonder, what
is she up to today?

Go on with what you
were saying, mary jo.

Well, there's not much else.

It's just, claudia's
not speaking to me.

Naturally, she thinks
that I'm forbidding her

To date jack so I can have him.

Aren't you?

No. This is a principled
decision on my part.

17-Year-old girls do not
go out with 34-year-old men.

As long as she's 17,
she'll do what I say.

When she's 18, that's different.

I've said, "when you're 18,
date whoever you want."

When is she 18?

Tomorrow.

Claudia, quint, are y'all ready?

Hi.

Hi.

Well, gee, I'm glad you came by.

I'm afraid I can't talk.

It's claudia's birthday,
and I'm taking her out.

I know. She invited
me to come with you.

You didn't know?

No. She just asked if
she could bring a date.

Claudia? Jack's here.

Do you feel awkward? She
should have told you she called me.

No, no, no. It's
fine, it's fine.

She's 18. She can do
whatever she wants.

When I was 18, I was married,

Not that I'd want
her to do that.

I'm sure.

I never really
thought about that.

I was married when
I was claudia's age.

I thought I was
old. I was a baby.

Well, 18's not exactly a baby.

It is when it's your baby.

I'm ready. Hi, jack.

Hi, claudia.

Would you excuse us a minute?

Sure.

Claudia, I just want to...

Say happy birthday.

You already said
that to me today.

Yeah, I know.

You're not mad about
me calling jack, are you?

No. I wish that you had told me,

But I guess you wish I'd have
told you before we had coffee,

So now we're even.

This whole thing has just been
so awkward and embarrassing.

Mom.

I want you to
know, whatever I do,

I would never try and take
something away from you

So that I could have it.

You're my daughter.

I would give my blood for you.

I would give my life for you.

I would even give up
the last attractive

Heterosexual single
man my age in atlanta,

If you wanted me to.

You two are making me
feel like a piece of meat.

That must be mark.

Mark?

Hi, claudia.

Hi, mark.

Mom, this is mark.

Hi, mark.

Your mother's
getting a headache.

You want to tell
me what's going on?

Mom, jack is your date.

I called him for you.

I knew you'd never
go out with him

No matter how
much you wanted to.

You did, and you don't mind?

I thought about it, and
he really is too old for me.

The restaurant was dark. I
thought he was more like 25.

So you decided to set us up.

You haven't met anyone
you've liked in a while.

Let's face it, you're
not getting any younger.

Let's face it. None of us are.

Quint, everyone's
here. Let's go.

I cannot believe you
heard that whole thing.

Hey, I loved it. So, where
are we going for dinner?

That restaurant where
you and claudia met.

Why?

I'd like it there.

Apparently, just
being inside of it

Makes everyone look 25.