05x12 - And Now, Here's Bernice

[bunniefuu]

Julia?

Mm-hmm?

You know how you're supposed
to wear nice underwear

In case you're in an accident?

Yes.

Actually, I've always
just done it on principle.

Oh, well, yeah, so
have i... Until today.

I feel so stupid I
got to tell someone.

Promise not to tell?

I promise.

I have on bill's underwear.

Charlene.

I know. I'm so ashamed.

I can't believe I'm sitting here

In light blue jockey shorts.

My washing machine broke down,

I couldn't get to
the laundromat.

Olivia was up with
the croup all night.

I couldn't go with no
underwear. It's too cold.

So it boiled down
to a choice between...

Pampers and this.

This feels so weird.

Hey, julia.

What are you doing?

I didn't know you were there.

I was looking for
some sugar. Heh heh heh.

I know you feel stupid 'cause
I heard what you're wearing.

Don't worry. Your secret's safe.

Thank you.

I'm so embarrassed.

Since you're being
so understanding,

Maybe you could
tell me something.

Do you find that
front flap annoying?

I said your secret was safe

I did not say I wanted
to share grooming tips

Hey, what's going on?

Hi. Your custom
curtain rods came,

And I changed
your 2:30 to a 4:00,

And this came for you
while you were out.

My not-so-secret
admirer dropped by again?

No. It came by messenger.

Guess what it is.

It's a little rawhide
doggy bone. Isn't that cute?

Took a little peep, did we?

Read the card. It's sweet.

Charlene...

When anthony opened
the bag, it just fell out.

"If you want in with the master,
make friends with the dog.

Go for it brownie.
Your pal, donald."

He doesn't misspeak, does he?

I mentioned my dog once.

I can't believe he remembered
his name was brownie.

Mary jo,

Donald banks has a
big old crush on you.

I love how fate brings
people together.

Here's a lonely market
research executive

With an ugly office.

Well, it's getting hard to
maintain a business relationship.

Every day it's a little
note or a little gift.

I'm not used to this. Ted
never brought presents.

For my birthday I got a
card with a note saying,

"A donation has been made
in your name to united way."

Then I'd say it is high time.

We have been through this.

Donald banks is a client.

I don't date clients.

I have to second that.

When it rains, it pours.

I've sat home alone
for two years.

Now men are throwing
themselves under my car.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, bernice.

And now... He-e-e-re's bernice!

♪ La-la-la-la la ♪ la la la la

♪ La-la-la-la la ♪ la... Get it?

Something wonderful
just happened.

Oh, my lord, bernice.

Ed mcmahon called you!

You won the publishers'
clearinghouse sweepstakes!

I did? When did he call?

No, no. He didn't.

I... Oh, I'm sorry, bernice.

You were humming the
tonight show theme song

Like it was a hint.

Oh. Well, that's a letdown.

Anyway, you're
looking at the new host

On the talk show senior roundup.

Great.

Oh, dear!

I'm a little behind in
my television watching.

Where would I find that program?

It's on public access cable.

It's right after
kung fu house party

On thursday nights.

That's great. How did
all this come about?

Hillcrest leisure
land sponsors it.

I auditioned a year ago,

But they took
their own sweet time

Recognizing my natural talent.

I get this one sh*t.

If I'm good, I host from now on.

Bernice, this is so exciting.

Well, the show certainly
needs a little pick-me-up.

Last week's episode,
"you and your prostate,"

Was sexy enough,

But it lacked the v*olence
to pack a real wallop.

So I'm calling my
show "60 after dark."

I've lined up a real live hooker

And a cop from vice.

Neither one knows the
other's going to be there.

He might just
bust her on the air.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, donald. Mary
jo, look who's here.

I can see, charlene.

This is a client, donald banks.

Donald, this is our dear
friend, bernice clifton.

Pleased to meet you.

Do you have any sexy secrets

You'd like to reveal on camera?

I beg your pardon?

Bernice has just become
a host on a talk show.

Donald has the hots for mary jo.

Have y'all done
anything about it yet?

I'm still trying to
get to first base.

I need help convincing
her to go out.

I'm trying.

The issue doesn't
merit public debate,

But since you brought it up,

Why should I be in a
hurry to date you?

Because since we met,

I haven't been able to
think about anything else.

Touching your hand,
hearing your name,

Your perfume...

I've got it bad,
right in my gut,

And only you can fix it.

Whoa, donald, that
really sounded good,

Like something in a movie.

Wasn't that good, julia?

Yes. Very nice.

But I don't think it
impressed mary jo.

Are these the drawings you
got your boss to approve?

O.k. I give up.

The ball's in your court.

No more cards. No more presents.

Just business till you decide.

Thank you. I'd appreciate that.

I've got to go. Nice
seeing you folks.

Mary jo, if you need me,

You know where to reach me.

Bye, donald.

You take care.

All right.

Bye.

Mary jo, you just
about broke his heart.

He was just being dramatic.

This isn't easy for me.

He's charming,
he's good-looking.

Always had a soft spot for
charming and good-looking.

I'm trying to maintain some
sort of proper business decorum.

I think life's too short.

If you think he's cute,
just tackle the big galoot.

I turned down a guy recently,

And six days later he d*ed.

You can't let them hang
on the vine too long.

I don't know.

I think you're crazy.

He could charm my pants off.

And if he did, he'd
certainly be surprised.

So I go to donald's
house for our third date.

There in front of the fireplace,

He has laid out the most
romantic picnic supper.

It was a wonderful evening.

So you took the lid
off the cookie jar?

No, suzanne. I did not.

That's what was wonderful.

No pressure at all.

I have such a good
feeling about this guy.

Each date gets more romantic?

You've got to give him credit

For finding creative ways

Of dealing with
the first few dates.

Myself, I hate that first date.

I try to keep it
casual, no pressure,

Usually we see a movie,
but unless it's old yeller,

There's always a sex scene.

My date tenses up, thinking
that's what I'm thinking.

I tense up 'cause I
know she's thinking

That's what I'm
thinking, and she's right.

We've all been there.

I hate when you're
on a first date,

And his dentures don't fit,

So the restaurant
has to puree his meat.

We haven't been there.

Well, I'm telling you,

Donald's into some
old-fashioned wooing,

And I must confess,
it is working.

I could really
fall for this guy.

If that's bernice, I'm not here.

Sugarbaker's.

Hi, donald.

Yes, she is. Just a second.

Mary jo.

Hi, donald. We were
just talking about you.

I sure had a good
time last night.

Why hide from bernice?

That hooker booked on
her show canceled out.

I told her to call
my friend monette.

We tried, but monette and
atlanta's better prostitutes

Have gone to las
vegas for a convention.

Consequently, in
bernice's hour of need,

Atlanta's suffering
a severe shortage.

We drove around in
her cadillac until 3:00 a.m.

Looking for, as she
put it... "Fresh meat."

I nearly hit a post when
she yelled out the window,

"Work it, girl!

How'd you like to strut
your stuff on public access?"

She didn't.

Uh-huh.

I... I really don't
know what to say.

I just thought we were
off to such a good start.

No. You've made
yourself very clear.

Mmm... Bye.

Well, I can't believe it.

He... He dumped me.

Donald banks just dumped me.

Mary jo.

Said he woke up this morning

And just realized
we're moving too fast,

That I'm not what he's
looking for in a woman.

I don't challenge him.

I don't know what to say.

I, for one, am livid.

What gets into some men?

What does he mean,
"you don't challenge him"?

You're supposed to be
dating, not arm wrestling.

This is outrageous.

You didn't even
want to date him.

I am canceling this account.

Julia, don't. That would
make me more embarrassed.

I can't believe
this is the same man

Who sent you a
valentine in november.

I told you that wasn't
cute. It was stupid.

He just mixed up the months.

I hate to say I told you so,

But I never liked him.

It really didn't matter
if you dated a client

If the client was wonderful.

There was just
something about him

That was... Missing.

If you want my advice,

There's only one thing to do.

What's that?

You have got to get revenge.

Now, I say we call his boss

And say donald
offered us a kickback

To pad the bill.

Better yet,

Let's tell his miniature
golfing buddies

He lounges around the house

In a big old pushup bra.

Whoo!

Julia, that is so unlike you.

I'm sorry. This man
needs to be terminated.

I've just got to figure out

How to get through this job.

Don't worry about that.

If it's not canceled,

I'll take over the account.

I wouldn't give him the
satisfaction of thinking

He had any effect on me.

I took the risk.

Now I can't be cowardly
about facing the consequences.

I'll just... Be
completely businesslike.

Right. And if that doesn't work,

Then we go with the pushup bra.

The taping is tonight.

I still haven't
replaced my hooker,

And now my vice cop backed out

With some flimsy excuse
about getting sh*t in a raid.

Bernice, that's terrible.

You could do a
show on decorating.

That way, we could go on.

No. Kung fu house party

Sounds like a
hard act to follow.

Besides decorating is dull.

All right you can
do a variety show.

Bernice you can eat fire you
said you learned in the circus.

Julia can sing and, sussan
is sort of a local celebrity

Boring.

Well bernice I sure
wish I could help you.

I'de rather be tracking
down strret walkers

Then have to endure
another meeting with that

Duplicitous doggie
bone head donald.

I know it just tears me up
every time you go over there.

I wish I wasn't the kind
to suffer in silence.

I just have this notion by being good, it
will make him feel bad but its not working.

I wish I could master the big
gesture in these situations.

Why don't you let
me go with you?

No no I'll do it myself.

I made my bed so I have
to lay in it so to speak.

Poor kid. I thought
she'd never shut up.

Well if your going to
help me save my show

Lets get a move on we've got
some hooker hunting to do.

Come on. Come on.

One big print on this
wall is all we need?

Unless you're not secure enough

To make that statement.

It's a good idea.

We have to discuss
which print with my boss.

Naturally. I've
got a great idea.

Why not pick one he'll love,

Then tell him
it's not available.

You know, I keep sensing this
increasing hostility from you.

I think it's remained
pretty consistent.

We had a good
business relationship.

Let's not muddy that up.

I agree. I agreed with
that three weeks ago.

You were singing
a different tune.

That was before we got
to know each another.

People change.

People change over
years... But overnight?

I told you. I never
meant to hurt you.

You know, I'm getting a
really bad feeling that you did.

I'm pressed for time.

I'll get melinda, our office
manager, to give you input.

I'd enjoy showing
these to melinda.

I think that's a fabulous idea!

Could you come here

And speak to the
decorator? Great.

Mary jo, melinda.

Melinda, mary jo.

Hi.

Well, I've got to run.

Whatever you decide
will be fine with me.

She's doing a bang-up job.

Ooh!

I'm sorry.

That was very unprofessional.

Something tells me

You've gotten the
donald banks' treatment.

Beg your pardon?

You went out
with him, didn't you?

Unfortunately, yes.

It's a standard routine.

He showers you with attention

Until you agree
to go out with him,

You have some wacky,
wonderful dates.

The minute he feels
he's won your trust

And you're beginning to
feel something for him...

Wham! You get the phone call.

Yeah. That's it exactly.

Take a number and go
to the end of the line.

A bunch of us used to
have a support group.

We'd meet once a week
and try to figure out

How to put our
lives back together.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's really terrible.

Yeah.

One girl, jackie, even broke
up with her fiance for him.

Ooh, he just destroyed her.

You talking about jackie?

Right. Oh, susan,
this is mary jo.

She just got donaldized.

Oh, welcome to the club.

We went out for four months.

It took a year and
a half to recover.

Nancy's lucky. He got
rid of her in two weeks.

After he proposed marriage.

Well, I just have
one question... Why?

We've given that
a lot of thought,

Consulted many psychology books,

Watched a lot of phil donahue,

And I came up with
the only answer...

The guy's a heel.

I've been all over
looking for a tv studio.

You didn't say it was in a
welding company basement.

Well, that's show biz.

Do I look o.k.?

If not, don't tell me.

It's a minute before taping.

You look fine.

I hope I remember the questions.

You didn't write down that
information about decorating?

I did. My hands got so sweaty,

They all blurred together.

Don't worry. You'll be great.

Anyway, remember, these
people are professionals.

They'll help you
through any rough spots.

15 Minutes into taping

I got to make a phone call,

But I'll leave the
camera running.

Where's mary jo?

I guess she's late.

I'm going to do
this, this, this.

When I do this, you're on.

Let's roll senior roundup.

It's magic time.

You're on!

Hello, and welcome
to senior roundup.

I'm bernice clifton,
your host for the week.

Tonight we're talking
about a problem

That preys on the mind
of every senior citizen...

Sex for sale.

But first my guests
charlene stillfield,

Anthony bouvier,

And julia sugarbaker
of the sugarbaker, uh...

Design firm.

Now, julia, tell me.

You're really kind of the
madam of sugarbaker house.

When you first get a new client,

What really titillates
and excites you?

I... I would hardly use
the word "titillates."

That's not a nasty word, is it?

I think it's o.k. Just
don't shorten it.

Now, I understand
that anthony's role

Is to solicit business
for all of you.

Just exactly what do
you expect from your girls

When you send them
out into the field?

First, mrs. Clifton,

We don't refer to them as girls.

These are women,
and I would expect

That they would get to know
the needs of their customers.

I bet.

Charlene, now let's just cut
through the decorating scam.

How many treats do
you turn in a week?

Treats?

I think she means tricks.

That's right.

How many?

I think you have us confused

With the next segment.

We are decorators.

Oh, sure. Everybody has to
have something to fall back on.

Now, julia...

Let's talk about some of
those bedrooms you've done

And the people
who've slept there.

Just how comfortable
did you make them?

When we come back...

Charlene and julia,
the girls of decorating,

And anthony, the
man who drives them.

We're back on in 30.

Bernice, I don't know

Exactly what your problem is.

I don't know if your
medication is off

Or if your arterial flow

Has just completely stopped,

But I do want
you to know this...

When we go back on the air,

If you do not correct this,

I will pick you up

And throw you across the room.

3, 2, 1.

Action.

We're back

Continuing our segment
on decorating call girls.

I've just been chatting
with julia sugarbaker

About the role of a
madam in the design world.

Am I late?

Oh, here's one of
your other lovelies.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is mary jo shively,

Still obviously quite breathless

From her last assignment

In behalf of sugarbaker house.

Run for your life.

Now, uh, mary jo,

You're the sexy nymphet with
the pert ones in this group.

Tell us how you make your
clients' fantasies come true.

Well... Actually, bernice,

I didn't come here tonight

To talk about decorating.

You didn't?

No. If this was network tv,

I'd never have the
courage to do this,

But since this is public access,

I'll take a big chance

On making a really
big fool of myself.

Something happened
to me this week,

Which has probably happened

To a number of women out there.

I was dumped on by a
man who I've discovered

Has left a long string of
broken hearts in his path.

So, what's the point?

The point is

That there are a
lot of men out there

For whom this is a way of life,

A modus operandi.

Wouldn't it be great
if there was a way

Women could hook into
some kind of network

To be warned about these men.

Now I'm getting it. I like it.

So, here goes.

Ahem.

This is donald banks.

He is the man who dumped me.

Donald banks works

In a market research firm

Right here in atlanta.

He has dumped so many women,

They have had to
form a support group.

If you see this man,
warn your friends.

If he asks you out, don't go!