05x13 - Pearls of Wisdom

[bunniefuu]

Oh, you're kidding.
This is so exciting.

Just a second.

Julia and suzanne
are on their way back

From the tv station.

They're going to
put suzanne's report

On the 11:00 news.

Why don't we watch it here?

Good. Are you free to do that?

Sure. How often do
you know somebody

Making their local tv debut?

We'll all be here.

Ok, see you soon. Bye.

Gee, I can't believe this.

Suzanne's going to be

The new lifestyles
reporter on channel 6.

It's just a tryout.

Knowing suzanne, it
probably won't last.

It's good she'll have a job.

Charlene, she has a job.

Really? Where?

Here.

Oh, yeah.

I want to know

Where she gets off
calling herself a reporter.

She didn't go to
journalism school.

She doesn't know anything
about broadcasting.

And this is ridiculous,
but it's true...

She did ask me

What time the 6:00
news comes on.

You know how that works.

She's a former beauty queen,

Like deborah norville
and dianne sawyer...

A lot of beauty pageant winners

Go on to be tv reporters.

Seems all you have to do

Is go down that
runway in high heels

With vaseline on your teeth

And your bathing suit
glued to your butt,

And hey, you're qualified
to interview gorbachev.

Psst! Is julia here?

No. She's out with suzanne.

Good.

She left a message.

The drapery rod
in her bedroom fell.

Would you put it up?

Oh, no.

What's going on with you?

You look like you
haven't slept in a week.

And you've been avoiding julia.

I just haven't been
myself these last few days.

I wasn't going to mention this,

But I've been having

This very disturbing,
recurring dream about julia.

Every night it gets worse.

It might help to talk about it.

There's not much to tell.

First, julia beckons to
me from across the room,

But I'm afraid to go.

The next night
she beckons to me.

I go to her and she says,

"Anthony, don't you think
you'd be more comfortable

If you... Loosened your collar?"

Then the third night,

I let her loosen my
collar, and she sang,

Ah, sweet mystery of
life, at last I've found you.

So now I'm never going
to go to sleep again.

Anthony, I might
be able to help you.

I know I have something
on dream analysis.

What, something from
your psychology class?

No, one of those
itty-bitty books

From the supermarket.

Ok, here it is.

Images in the night...

The key to unlocking
your dreams.

I'll look up your dream.

What do you need to know?

Where'd it take place?

I don't know
where it took place.

It was a long hallway.

I stood at one end.

Julia was seated at the other

On a beanbag chair bathed
in radiant white light.

Behind her hung a
poster of gary coleman.

This is getting scary.

Wait. Ok, beanbag chair.

A beanbag chair is
sort of like a pillow.

"Pillow... Symbol for
the female breast."

Oh!

I know white light's in here.

"White light... Love
in its purest form."

Ok, we've got female
breasts and pure love.

I don't know where
gary coleman fits in,

But looks like you
have a thing for julia.

Charlene, I do not
have a thing for julia.

Well, anthony,
don't worry about it.

I think maybe you're just
having a repressed desire

To watch reruns
of dif'rent strokes.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, julia. Got to go.

Ha ha ha!

You're probably wondering
what that was all about.

I never wonder about
the stuff you people do.

My life is full enough,

Especially now that
my career's taking off.

Did I tell y'all how
much they're paying me?

Yes. Yes.

Suzanne, would you
please quit bragging

About how much you're making?

It isn't very nice.

There is a recession going on.

Times are hard.
Nobody has much money.

I do.

Sorry. Of course,
what I meant to say

Was times are hard.
Nobody has much money,

With the exception of

Alimony-sucking,
mercedes-driving,

Fur-wearing, rich... Women.

I'm tired of people complaining
about not having money.

I have a lot of money,

And that's all that matters.

I got something to show you all.

What?

Something I bought to celebrate.

Oh, look at that.

They cost $4,500.

$4,500?

$4,500?

What's so funny?

Could I take a look at those?

Be careful.

Uh-huh.

Look at that.

Your string of
pearls that cost $4,500

Looks exactly like my
string of pearls that cost $30.

Oh, they do not.

They do. Look.

They look just alike.

You people are
completely insane.

There is an enormous difference

Between costume
jewelry and real jewelry.

They're totally different.

See? Look.

When you rub real
pearls against your teeth,

They're rough.

These are rough.

Well, it may sound crazy,

But it hardly seems worth $4,500

So they can feel rough
between your teeth.

It's not like you're
going to go to a party

And someone's going to
chew on your necklace.

I'll never be able to
explain this to you.

I have better things
to do with my time.

I just want to say,

Quality people
know quality jewelry.

What is it, mary jo?

I switched them.

No.

Yes.

Switched what? What happened?

The necklaces.

She's got the fake,

That one she was waving,
flossing her teeth with.

This is the real one.

Mary jo, I cannot
believe you did that.

I'm sorry, but I'm wondering

How to pay my
daughter's tuition,

And she comes in
with a $4,500 necklace

That she can't identify.

It just made me mad.

You better give them back.

She just drove off.

I'll give them back tonight.

Tonight?

We're watching her on the news.

Oh, yes.

Charlene, we better go.

Where you off to?

The pta is honoring mary jo

As volunteer of the year.

The committee is
meeting at a steak house.

I'll be the only
one at the salad bar

Wearing $4,500 worth of jewelry.

That's going to impress them.

They'll probably let
me make an extra trip.

You all have a good time.

Hi, anthony.

Hi, julia.

Did charlene mention

I needed you in my bedroom?

Yeah, she did mention that.

Can you handle the job?

Of course.

I'll be up to see
how you're doing.

♪ Ah, sweet mystery of life

♪ At last I found you

Olivia can sleep through
anything these days.

You really were good.

It was just a little
committee talk,

But you're really turning
into a public speaker.

I was pretty good.

Although they could
have picked a fancier place.

I never have been much

For these "all you
can eat" salad bars.

If you went to a
regular restaurant

And they said,

"Tonight your dinner
is canned beets,

"Chick peas, and
enough iceberg lettuce

To fill your trunk,"

You might object,

But put it under a
sneeze guard, and yum!

That's true.

Have you ever seen anybody
sneeze on a sneeze guard?

I haven't. But if I did,

That plexiglass wouldn't
make me feel much better.

You've got a point.

Poplar bluff's all
you can eat restaurant

Went out of business
after about a month.

There used to be only one
restaurant... Bob's quick bite.

The new restaurant offered

All you can eat fried
catfish and french fries.

So bob tried to
eat all he could,

Trying to bankrupt
the new restaurant.

He'd spend all day
eating catfish and fries.

And it went out of business.

You were back to
having one restaurant.

No, then we didn't have any.

Bob had a massive heart att*ck.

I was pretty good tonight.

I don't mean to go on,

But I'm usually so timid

Speaking in front of a group.

Maybe suzanne's right.

You know, maybe those pearls

Can make a difference.

I know it sounds silly,

Just knowing I had
on this incredibly

Expensive piece of jewelry

Just gave me confidence.

Oh, my gosh! Where
are my pearls?

You took them off.

No, they're gone!

Where did you last have them?

Around my neck!

But where? Think hard.

Ok, ok, ok.

Uh, I had them on
when we left the store.

I had them in the car
and when we sat down.

I had them at the salad bar.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, yeah.

They're in there.

Somewhere.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive.

We're going to have to look.

Ok.

You take this side,

And I'll take the other side.

This is "all you
can eat" isn't it?

Yes.

I am so hungry.

Is this french or
thousand island?

Thousand island.

Oh.

I don't care for
thousand island.

Anthony, this is terrible.

You didn't need to stay
this late just to help me.

That's all right, julia.

Say, anthony,

Are you angry with
me about something?

No. Why would you think that?

Well, it just seems as though

You've been avoiding me a bit.

I haven't been getting much
sleep these last few days.

Anthony... Ooh!

Now, you look
completely exhausted.

Come over with me and
lie down on the sofa.

Close your eyes
just for a few minutes

And get some rest.

I'll wake you before
the others get here.

I'll rest my eyes
for a few minutes,

But I won't sleep.

Just lie down.

Anthony...

Don't you think you'd
be more comfortable

With your collar loosened?

No, don't loosen it.

No, don't sing that.
Don't sing that song.

♪ Ah, sweet mystery
of life at last...

What are you doing?

Anthony, come on.
We're both adults.

There's no need
pretending anymore.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you're
a delivery man.

It's time to deliver.

Aah!

Anthony, what is the matter?

Get your hands off
me, for peter's sake!

What on earth is
going on with you?

I tried to wake you, and
you started screaming.

You need to go to a doctor.

I'm sorry, julia. I've been
having these bad dreams.

What kind of bad dreams?

I can't tell you.

Anthony, we've always been
honest with one another.

Whatever your dream was about,

You can tell me, and
I will understand.

Really?

Yes.

You were trying to seduce me.

Oh, my goodness!

I knew I shouldn't
have told you.

I'll never be able
to look at you again.

I'll have to sell my
partnership in sugarbakers

And leave the country.

Anthony, wait a minute.

First of all, these
are only dreams.

Secondly, I think I know
why you might be having them.

Why?

You've just had a big promotion.

You're no longer my employee.

You're my partner.

Now, suppose your dreaming mind

Got all that confused
with being my...

Partner.

Hey, now that makes sense.

Whoo-hoo!

That's a load off my mind.

Now that you've told me,

I don't think you'll have
that dream anymore.

Thank the lord!

No offense.

I feel much better now, julia.

There's one more thing though.

What?

You know that song
ah, sweet mystery of life,

At last I've found you?

Oh, yes.

Don't ever sing that again, ok?

It's not here.

It's just... It's just not here.

Are you absolutely positive
this is where it fell off?

Yes.

This is hopeless.

It must have gotten thrown out,

Or somebody found it, or ate it.

What am I going to do?

That necklace cost $4,500.

Maybe we should just
tell suzanne the truth.

Just tell her what happened.

Maybe she'll say,
"hey, accidents happen,"

She won't make you pay,

And we'll all have
a big laugh about it.

Or she'll call the police

And have you sent
to jail for stealing.

You know what this means?

This means claudia can't
go to college next year.

I'll have to take out a
third mortgage on the house

And sell a kidney.

You know suzanne's going
to make me pay her back.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

Are you two finished
with the salad bar?

I'd like to close up.

We're still eating
do we have to leave?

No.

Have you cleared some bins?

The ones that were almost empty.

Bring those back.

We might have to
eat out of those, too.

What's the point?

We might as well
tell him. Look...

I have lost a very
expensive string of pearls

Somewhere in your salad bar.

Anybody turn them in?

No. I found a
retainer in there once.

Does that do anything for you?

Yes, it makes me never
to want to eat here again.

Oh, what's the point?

The pearls are gone.

They're not even mine.
They cost a fortune.

I could never replace them.

The owner doesn't
know they're missing.

And she never will,
if we don't tell her.

We have to tell her.

Why?

Why do we have to tell her?

She'd probably
happy with the fakes.

They give her exactly
the same pleasures.

No, that would be lying.

No, no, not technically.

We just... Won't
ever say a thing.

There may be 50 ways
to leave your lover,

But only one way to
describe fred fisher...

Crazy.

You could call
mr. Fisher a clothes hound,

Rather, his hounds
are clothes hounds.

When mr. Fisher's prized pooches

Parade down the boulevard,

These four-legged creatures
are dressed to the nines.

That's right.

These doggies dig
wearing formal wear.

How did they get
those little pants on?

Shh! Shh!

And what did this reporter say?

It was one ruff-ruff assignment.

From stone mountain,

This is suzanne sugarbaker,
action news team.

Well, that's it.

Well.

I must say, that is perhaps

The greatest
parody of journalism

That I've ever seen.

Thank you.

You know, I bet they ask
me to do another report.

I figure I'll become a
regular correspondent,

Then work up to anchorwoman,

Then go national
on a morning show.

Deborah norville's
my new role model.

You mean how deborah
worked real hard,

Making her way to the top?

I mean how she kissed
up to jane pauley

And then blew her butt
out into the sidewalk.

If deborah could
do that to jane,

I could do that to deborah.

I'll lie, cheat, and
scheme my way

To becoming the
most-trusted woman in america.

Tonight, I think I'll have

A whole new kind of nightmare.

Well, you looked great.

I did, didn't i?

I just wish I had
my new necklace.

It would have looked great.

Oh, yeah. Fantastic.

Mary jo, don't you think
you should tell her?

Tell me what?

Uh, suzanne, would you answer

A purely hypothetical question?

I doubt it. I don't
know what that means.

Well...

What if those pearls
that you have on

Weren't real?

Wouldn't they be
just as beautiful?

No.

Let me put this another way.

What if somebody
played a trick on you

And took something of yours

That was really valuable,

And then accidentally
destroyed it?

What would you do?

I'd call the police and
make them pay. Why?

No reason.

All right.

Suzanne...

Those pearls that you have on

Are the fake ones.

I switched them.

I don't believe you.

You're trying to fool me.

Suzanne, it's true.

What did you do with my pearls?

I lost them.

Here's a check for $4,500.

I'd appreciate it if
you wouldn't cash it

For a few years

Until I've had time
to sell my home

And to move my children
to a sleazy trailer park.

Suzanne?

What?

Isn't there something

You have to say to mary jo?

What about the tax?

Suzanne!

Tell her... Now.

Oh, all right.

Mine weren't real either, ok?

I got them at fabulous fakes.

If I could fool you, I
could fool everyone.

My life hasn't been easy,

Since reggie mac dawson
stole all my money.

I haven't been able to buy
jewelry or furs in months.

I had to wear the same ball gown

To two different parties,

And lately, I can only afford

To get my legs
waxed up to the knees.

Well, I had no idea.

This poor girl has
been through hell.

I guess it's just

Rough going all
around these days.

If you feel better mocking
my poverty, then have at it.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
played that trick on you.

Will you forgive me?

Yes.

Can I keep the check?

No!