05x14 - High Noon in a Laundry Room

[bunniefuu]

Anthony, before I forget,

Here's a list of office supplies

To pick up before
we can start tonight.

What's tonight?

Since I'm a partner now,

I'd better keep
better tax records.

Charlene's helping
me set up a system.

Much obliged.

You've helped me so
much around the house,

It's nothing.

They ought to do away
with taxes altogether

And just put on a big
government fundraising telethon

Every year instead, you know?

Preempt everything.

Tell people that the
show is not going to go off

Until the budget is balanced.

You know, they could
put jerry lewis in charge,

Get milli vanilli to lip-sync

The battle hymn of the republic.

That money would roll in.

That whole milli vanilli
thing got me riled up.

They took their grammy
away for lip-syncing,

Never said a word
about their fake hair.

What's wrong with fake hair?

I am who I am today
because of my hair pieces.

If the miss america
people say it's o.k.,

There is no higher
authority. Case closed.

What are y'all talking about?

Milli vanilli, fake hair,
and the federal deficit.

I knew it.

Why does every
conversation around here

Have to veer off into
these wild tangents?

If we're going to talk,

Why don't we just
select one topic

And discuss it thoroughly?

Gosh, suddenly I feel pressure.

My mind's gone blank.

Don't put a damper on us.

We're good at this stream
of consciousness thing.

Does anybody
know where I can get

A poster of sally
ride in her spacesuit,

Helmet under her arm?

Quent insists on having

This madonna poster in his room.

I need to balance it with a
more positive female role model.

I don't know about
this sally ride person,

But I could give you
one of my old 8 x 10s.

I'll even autograph it.

I'm more inspiring
than a female jockey.

Sussan sally ride
is not a jockey.

Shes the first american
women astronaut. She's a hero.

Please

I am so sick of this
astronaut hero thing,

I mean what do they
really have to do?

Strap on a helmet and circle
the earth without getting car sick.

Big whow.

There goes our
little friend again.

Weren't you going to
call the exterminator?

It's just one little
wintertime mouse.

He's a very daring mouse,

Like something out
of tom and jerry.

Sometimes I see
him in the corner

Nibbling on a
crumb, looking at me

Like he ought to be
leaning against the wall,

Smoking, whistling at me!

Well, I'm definitely going
to buy some traps today.

You're not going to k*ll him?

No. We'll catch him
and rehabilitate him.

Charlene...

I certainly do not
relish k*lling anything,

But we sealed up all the holes,

Cleaned out the storeroom,

Put all the food in glass jars,

And he's still here.

I saw something in a
catalog we could get.

It's this little box
that emits sound waves

Inaudible to human ears
but drives mice away.

Never seen people so squeamish

About one little mouse.

Because they're nasty
and furry and germy,

And they can go anywhere.

They can run across your feet,

Get down in the
toe of your shoe.

They don't know how to get out.

I hate them. Anthony,
will you catch him?

Uh-uh. Don't look at me.

Mary jo, anthony doesn't
have to get rid of it.

I'm surprised at you.

Don't you think
it's a little sexist

To expect anthony
to k*ll the mouse

Just 'cause he's a man?

I don't.

I say the man should
have to k*ll the mouse.

And until you do,
I'm out of here.

Working in rat traps...

That's just for poor people.

I'm sorry, but I'm not
into pest control.

I don't like rats.
I don't like mice.

I don't handle snakes.

I will squash a bug for you,

But that's my limit.

It doesn't besmirch my
manhood to admit that.

Nobody said it did.

You think I'm a wimp?

Anthony, where
did that come from?

We got this new
tenant in our building.

I don't know how to handle him.

He's causing a
little disturbance.

A couple of women who live alone

Asked me to speak
with him. I don't want to.

Don't want to hurt him?

I don't want to hurt my face.

This new tenant is a no-neck,
beer-guzzling ex-biker

Named billy boy swine.

He's twice my size.

He's got a tattoo that
reads "born to maim."

This guy is a real pig.

He turned our laundry room

Into his own personal party deal

Where he and his buddies
blast music all night.

He parks in other
people's spaces,

Leaves garbage in the hallway.

One of those ladies said
he stole her underwear

From the washing machine.

What for?

The other day he had
panties on his head.

You know, anthony,

I've had a few
run-ins with bullies.

If you call their bluff,
they usually back down.

I knew a whole lot of
guys like this in prison.

Biting people's ears
off and breaking noses

Is like drinks around
the pool for his type.

All things considered,

The best thing for me to do

Is buy ear plugs,
smile friendly,

And stay the heck
out of his way.

I forgot where we were.

How can you stand this?

This music is so loud.

It'll stop eventually.

About 3 a.m. It'll
be drowned out

By the sound of
vomiting in the stairwell.

This is terrible.

If we explain to mr. Swine

That his music's disturbing us

And politely ask him to
turn it down, he would.

A smile and friendly
word can go a long way.

My smile would go a long way...

He'd shove it down my throat.

I've studied psychology.

Bullies act out
their aggressions

Because they crave the attention

Their mamas never gave them.

It's called acting out.

When I first read about it,

It brought back memories
about poor james harvey sparks,

This boy I went to school with.

Everybody was afraid of him.

He was a hood,

Even had acne in fourth grade.

For example, when we
had the 17-year locusts,

He ate them.

If I'd known then
what I know now,

I'd have said to him,

"James harvey, cut it out.

"I know you're in pain,

"But people would pay
attention and like you

"If you quit stomping
around the cafeteria

Squishing mashed potatoes
through your fingers."

I don't want to talk about this.

You were in prison.
I hate to bring it up,

But you dealt with this before.

There are only three
ways to survive in prison.

You can fight, you
can make people laugh,

Or you can become
the homecoming queen

Of cell block 9.

I kept them
laughing all the time.

Maybe that would work now.

Maybe.

Turn that noise down
before I call the cops!

I guess this is
getting out of hand.

Maybe it's time for
a friendly word.

We'll both go.

Try not to laugh like you
do when you're nervous.

I got it under control.

I'm right behind you.

Ha ha ha!

Could I talk to you
for a minute please?

Excuse me!

It's a private party.

We won't spoil your fun.

How you doing?

I'm anthony bouvier,

Your neighbor
from down the hall.

This is my friend charlene.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I like your blouse.

I didn't know they
still sold halter tops.

We were just trying
to get some work done

And needed a little quiet.

We were going to ask you to
please turn your music down.

Since you already have,

We'll just go on back
about our business.

Hold it. Hey, hey. Wait.

Look, man, this is a
nice quiet building.

We're all very neighborly.

We look out for each other.

What's your point?

Well, you're just like
disturbing the peace,

Just a little and I'm
sure not on purpose.

You're probably suffering from

A slight hearing loss,

Or don't understand the rules.

That's what I think about rules.

You ought to be ashamed.
That's plain unsanitary.

What I think
anthony's trying to say

Is nobody appreciates it

When you "a,"
park in their space

Or "b," play loud music

Or "c," steal women's underwear.

Why do you put it on your head?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

I think she's covered
all the bases.

It might interest you

To know why you act this way.

I've taken psychology classes.

You're acting out because
of some primal need

Your mama didn't fulfill.

You can get help for that.

Ha ha ha!

Are you laughing at my mama?

No. I'd never do that.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, I'm just jovial.

You better watch out.
Anthony's been in prison.

During his unfortunate
incarceration,

He learned a thing or two

About dealing with your type.

Whoa! I'm scared now.

What if I say we're going
to party here every night?

Well, in that case,

I'll just have to
stomp your butt.

I don't think so.

Let me make this real clear.

You won't show your face again.

If you do, I'm
going to hurt you.

That sounds like a
logical sequence of events.

Get out.

You can stay,

But you got to
put on a halter top.

Oh, lord!

Was that that thing?

Yes, mary jo, it was.

I didn't hate him that much.

I think I'll just clean
it up a little later.

After it dries up
and gets stiff?

Oh, charlene!

Yes, charlene, that's
exactly what I meant.

I was hoping to avoid a
discussion of the details.

Why don't we just
go back to work

And put this
unpleasantness behind us?

I don't know if I can work

With little topo gigio's
corpse back there.

Suzanne, why on earth are
you ringing the doorbell?

I not setting foot in there

Until you k*ll that rodent.

Is he dead yet?

Yes, he's just
recently departed.

Well, it's about time.

Hope you got some coffee made.

Consuela is on vacation,

And I don't know how
to work my coffee thing.

Well, be careful.

Mr. Mouse is lying in state

Back there behind the counter.

What?

Under the newspaper.

There's a stiff old mouse
under this newspaper?

That's right. The very
one you're standing on.

That's it. I am out of here.

If anybody says one
word about that mouse,

I'm leaving, too.

Can we talk about
something else?

Anything else at all?

Did you find the
poster of sally ride?

I did. I hung it up
in quent's room.

What does he think?

Not much.

She doesn't have
a line on her chest.

That's quent's way
of saying cleavage.

I dropped those samples
off at the branhams.

Thank you, anthony.
Careful over there.

Mr. Mouse bit the dust.
He's under the newspaper.

Why didn't you pick him up?

Because it's gross.

Anthony, I thought you
hated dealing with mice,

Dead or alive.

Sometimes you just
have to get over things.

I feel kind of bad.

If we just sat down
with that mouse,

Explained to him that he
couldn't lived here anymore,

We wouldn't have had
to resort to v*olence.

You cannot reason
with an animal, charlene.

You can only take so much.

Then you have to do something.

You o.k.?

Did you have a
run-in with swine?

No, I didn't, and
thank you very much.

I'm doing fine for a guy

Who hides in his own building,

And walks around
wearing wet socks.

Why are your socks wet?

Because I have to wash
my dainties in the sink

And hang them in the shower,

Since I can't show my
face in my laundry room.

This is getting ridiculous.

When I think
about it, I get mad.

Anthony, I know it's
an inconvenience,

But from what you
and charlene told me,

This swine person is
borderline psychotic,

And I have learned

To give people like
that a wide berth.

That's very nice, julia,

But I don't care to hear

The woman's point-of-view.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean by that?

I'm not putting women down.

I'm saying that julia expresses
a woman's point-of-view,

Not my point-of-view as a man.

To tell the truth,

I'm a little concerned
I've gone soft,

Lost my masculine edge
working with women all the time.

Think about the conversations
we have around here.

You're always
discussing women's issues

Like pms and cup size.

We have a lot of
conversations about cup size.

After a while, that
kind of rubs off on you,

And you don't know
what to do with bullies.

Speaking of bullies, with
consuela out of town,

Suzanne expects
you to wax her legs.

Now, see? That's exactly
what I'm talking about.

I shouldn't be spending
my spare time waxing legs.

I should be revving engines,

sh**ting g*ns, and
b*ating people up.

Anthony, you don't mean that.

You all will just
never understand.

This is a man thing.

A man's got to do,
what a man's got to do.

What are you saying?

I'm saying tonight...

I'm going to do my laundry.

Uh-huh. I hear you.

No, ma'am. I'm not
looking for trouble.

Don't worry.

Charlene, how could bring
my grandmother into this?

Yes, I'm still here.

Don't worry. I won't let anybody

Mess up my fine-featured face.

Yes. I love you, too.

All right. I got to
do my laundry now.

Bye-bye.

Now, see, charlene?
You have gone too far.

Why call my grandmother?

You put her on red alert.

She'll ride me till easter.

I'm sorry, anthony,

But I don't want
you to get b*at up.

I was hoping she'd talk
some sense into you.

I don't want to be
mother-henned right now.

All right, all
right. I'm leaving.

Your tax stuff's
all together anyway.

Promise me that
you'll call me later.

I will, and don't worry.

I know what I'm doing.

Surprise! We just
happened to be here.

Uh-uh. Now, look,
this is embarrassing.

We just thought we'd stop
by and assess the situation.

O.k. Here is the situation...

The whites and colors
have been separated,

I have plenty of quarters,

I'm out of april-fresh downy,

But other than that,
everything's hunky-dory.

Now please leave me alone.

O.k. If you're sure
you don't need us.

I just want you to know

That my adrenaline is pumping.

I'm ready for a rumble.

Mary jo, we didn't
come to fight.

Yeah, I know. I just
got myself worked up

In a west side story
mood, you know?

♪ A boy like that
would k*ll your brother

♪ Forget that boy
and find another

♪ One of your own kind

♪ Stick to your own kind

That's very nice, mary jo.

Very entertaining.

Why don't you stay and make
yourselves comfortable?

Perhaps sing a few more ditties?

What I have to
do, I'll do alone.

Where I have to go,
you cannot follow.

The laundry room

Is no place for a
bunch of women.

Hey, I thought I told you
this room was off-limits.

My clothes got dirty.
These things happen.

Well, maybe you should've
bought some new ones.

I don't like when
people break my rules.

You don't make the rules here.

You got a big mouth.

I'm going to bust it wide open.

That's not in your
best interest.

Yeah? Why not?

Because I'm a cleverly
disguised sicilian,

Formerly a consigliere

For the gambino crime family.

I'm currently in the
witness protection plan,

The agency responsible
for this pigment,

And these three women,

Are my federally
appointed cosmeticians,

Should anything happen
before I give testimony,

You'll incur the wrath

Of the director of the federal
witness protection program,

The fbi, and the
attorney general

Of the united states.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll finish my laundry,

Then let these ladies
get on with my jeri-curl.

I'm sick of you.

Oh! Anthony!

You big overgrown troglodyte!

Hey! Hold it! Everybody freeze!

So you let your women
do your fighting for you?

This is between you and me.

Let's take it outside.

You bit me.

Yes, I did!

I'll get your phone
number later.

Oh! Ow! Jeez! Ow! No!

Sit still. Doctor said
keep it on 48 hours.

Anthony, I had no idea
you could fight so well.

I lost, mary jo.

Yea I know but considering the
guy was three times your size,

I thought you did pretty well.

What I don't understand is

When this cave man
was picking on you,

You didn't call me up.

You know I have
an arsenal at home.

Suzanne, I think
you should reflect

On your past misdeeds,

Before advocating
waving a g*n around.

You tend to be trigger-happy,

And innocent people
sometimes get sh*t.

Like me, for instance.

You'll throw that little
flesh wound in my face

For the rest of my life?

Yes, I believe I will.

What I can't get
over is there we were

Trying to talk
you out of fighting,

And the first
punch swine throws,

We descend on him
like the green berets.

I could've saved
myself some pain

If I'd let you all
take him out for me.

I know I didn't come,
but I have an excuse.

I make it a policy

To steer clear of
situations like that.

You mean fights?

No. Laundry rooms.

Humidity makes my hair go flat.

Anthony, forgive me
for asking you this,

But I'm trying to understand

The masculine
point-of-view better.

Now that you've
punched a guy in the face,

Do you feel more like a man?

Like a man who walked
into a brick wall 100 times.

Part of me feels good
because I stood my ground

And made swine respect me,

And part of me
feels like a jackass

Because I couldn't
solve this problem

Without getting myself b*at up.

This is what men
wrestle with all the time.

What makes a man a man?

If fighting doesn't
do it, what does?

Paying your alimony
checks on time for starters.

Aah!

There's another mouse back here!

Where?

He's jumped in the wastebasket.

In here?

Aah! Oh, anthony!

It's just a mouse!