05x18 - This Is Art?

[bunniefuu]

Charlene, get over here.

Hold this fingernail
while I glue it.

Just once I'd like
to hear you say,

"Charlene, could you
please come over here?

I sure could use your help."

Are you going to
use that maxi-glue?

That stuff can hold a
construction worker

Suspended in midair.

Yes, I'm using maxi-glue.

I'm sick and tired of
losing this fingernail

And having to wait while you
crawl around looking for it.

It's dangerous. I know a guy

Who actually glued
his fingers together.

For your information,
I'm not that stupid.

You see? Nothing to it.

O.k. I'll see you then. Bye.

Who's that?

Roseland price.

I met her at a patron
of the arts meeting

At the high museum.

She's very interesting,
high-spirited,

Full of fun, and
owns an art gallery...

The galerie poussette.

I think I've been there.

Isn't it in the mall
next to hickory farms?

The galerie poussette
is very respected

For its contemporary art.

I can assure you it's
not located in a mall.

Better not start
talking art with julia.

She'll reminisce about
her art school days in paris,

When she studied
at the sore buns.

You studied art?

That explains all those
paper-wrapped paintings

Stored in your attic.

I always wanted to peek at one.

Of course, that would
be an invasion of privacy,

Something I'd never do.

I'm just curious
about the art world.

Charlene, I'm having a thought.

Roseland invited
me to an opening

At her gallery tonight.

Why don't you come along?

Really?

You might enjoy it.

Thank you, julia!

Well, julia?

Aren't you going to ask me?

No.

Why not?

Because, suzanne,
that time mother and I

Took you to the louvre you said,

And I quote,

"I have no intention
of being dragged

"To one more museum

"Just to look at pictures

"Of small-busted
women with large butts

Lying outdoors
naked eating fruit."

Charlene, I am so sorry.

When I was pulling up outside...

I just got a little
too close to your car

And kind of tapped your bumper.

I'm sure it's not anything.

Don't you want to check it?

No, it's o.k.

Are you sure?
I... I did scratch it,

But I want to make it right.

O.k. If you want to, I guess.

Suzanne, don't you
think that's enough glue?

A little goes a long way.

If you'll get an estimate,

I'll take care of it.

I'm sure it won't be much.

It's just a little ding.

Yeah, o.k. Sure.

Suzanne, that's what we did

When you scratched
my car, right?

Suzanne?

I said something like
this would happen!

What? What happened?

Suzanne maxi-glued
her lips shut!

You're about the last person

I ever thought would
be into modern art.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, you're so traditional.

I mean, this is...

This is pretty radical stuff.

Mary jo, this kind of
work has been around

For quite some time.

There's nothing
particularly radical about it.

It's accepted by
almost everyone.

Look at this.

I can't believe this is just
sitting here on the floor.

Excuse me. I don't mean
to tell you your job,

But don't you think someone
ought to clean that up?

Your first art show?

Yeah. How did you tell?

Read the plaque on the wall.

You're kidding me!

This is for sale?

I... I mean, what an
interesting arrangement

Of dirt clods.

Hey.

So, suzanne, did that
salve work on your lips?

Mmm.

No. We tried everything.

It's time for a
professional lip man.

She won't go to
the emergency room.

Let's call a doctor.

Well, hey, let's not hurry.

You know, suzanne...

There's a couple of things

I've always wanted
to say to you.

Suzanne. Mary jo, mary jo!

Mary jo, I wouldn't
mess with her.

She hasn't eaten
in over eight hours.

Julia, I'll be with
you in a minute.

Would you mind telling your
friend not to use the telephone?

It's an exhibit.

I knew that!

I do not think I'm
a stupid person.

I'm just completely confused.

When does a phone
stop being a phone

And become a piece of art?

When it's hung in a gallery.

Look at this thing.

I mean, what on earth

Did the artist have in mind

When he made this?

I mean, what is this?

Forget the landscape.
Everything's night.

Shh! Would you, please?

Y'all are embarrassing me.

I suppose this is not something

That everyone would appreciate.

If you have any questions,

I will be glad to answer them.

I got a question for you.

Do you know this costs $5,000?

$5,000!

Well, I suppose
that is a little pricey,

But the value is probably based

On the statement
the artist was making.

Contemporary art
is known for that.

Mm-hmm.

And what is the
statement he's making here?

Well... Well, I'm
not sure, but...

It's probably just something

That I'm not getting.

Hi.

You, uh... Look hungry.

Would you care for some cheese?

Well, are you sure?

It's absolutely delicious,

And it's, uh... Free.

Y'all, I'm tired.

You want to sit down?

Charlene... That's art.

You're kidding me!

This just looks like a
bunch of chairs to me.

Im sorry they don't have
some pictures of clowns crying

Or those childern
with the big eyes.

I love those.

I thought you would.

Well what does that mean?

It means she thinks were
cultural illiterates and

Probably ought to buying our art

At gas station parking lots..

Actually, I'm still wondering

About the meaning
of this painting.

I mean, does anybody
have any ideas?

Yes, I do.

I see death and destruction.

I see evil forces
running rampant.

Possibly a nuclear
b*mb going off,

Bathing everything in darkness.

I'd say it advocates
peace. How was that?

Thank you, charlene.

You're welcome.

Oh, I went to the
bookstore today

And got suzanne this
book on sign language.

I figured since her
lips are glued shut,

This might help her communicate.

I think she's
communicating pretty well

With all those obscene
gestures she's making.

This might help her clean
up her act a little bit.

Hello. You're
suzanne, aren't you?

I know your sister.

Interesting work, isn't it?

What does it say to you?

Oh! I understand.

You're an anti-
interpretationist.

It's true. We are engulfed

In a sea of overinterpretation.

Art should just exist.

You're right.

That's not my theory.

That's susan sontag's.

You caught me.

Well, it's been
great talking to you.

Julia, your sister
is so intelligent.

Julia, could i... Excuse me.

Could I borrow you for a minute

To help set up this exhibit?

Sure. Please, hold my purse.

This isn't my business,

But shouldn't the
artist be setting it up?

You're absolutely right,
but who has time to wait?

I've got customers here

With money burning
holes in their pockets.

Come over here.

Look, honey.

Roseland's hired a mime.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Everyone, she's a
little bit tired now.

Be another show in 10 minutes.

Oh, mary jo, um...
Since you did ask,

These are the
estimates for the car.

$2,044?

Charlene, I wanted to
fix your car, not buy it.

I told you, let's
just let it go.

I'll fix it myself.

No, no. We'll work this
out. We'll work this out.

I want to.

Oh! Julia's purse.

Um...

Excuse me. I don't
mean to embarrass you,

But this isn't art.

Don't feel bad. I
made the same mistake

With that phone over there.

It wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for sale.

How much is it?

I don't see a price tag.

Because it's not for sale.

We saw it first.

Mrs. Fredhold, have you
found something you like?

Well, yes. This purse.

Is it expensive?

Yes, it's very expensive,

The most expensive
thing in here.

Well, good.

Well, I'm sure julia

Wouldn't mind parting with it

For, say, uh... $5,000.

$5,000?

We'll take it.

Sold!

Marvelous.

Now if you'll
just step this way,

We'll make out the
receipt in my office.

What's going on here?

Nothing.

I just sold your
purse for $5,000!

Suzanne, if you want to
greet someone, you do this.

That means welcome.

I know what you're thinking...

"Why can't I just wave?"

The reason is a wave can
have different meanings.

It's like that
jewish word shalom,

Which also has
different meanings...

Hello, goodbye, peace...

Or the hawaiian
word aloha... Mmmmm!

All right! All right!

As julia sugarbaker's
personal manager,

I feel compelled to inform you

That she is retired.

Should anyone want to review

More of her purse art,

I suggest contacting
the accessory department

At your local jc penney's.

Bye. Thank you.

Another art magazine?

Third one this morning.

Apparently I am the
hot new commodity

In the art world.

Those people who bought my purse

Not only have big wallets,

They have big mouths.

Aren't you the least bit proud

That people are excited
about your work?

Van gogh only
sold one piece of art

His whole entire life.

You are tied with van gogh!

There's that hot new artist.

Roseland, we have to talk.

Julia, you left so
quickly yesterday,

I couldn't give you your money,

Less my commission, of course.

I'm not taking that.

I went along with your prank

So I wouldn't cause a
scene at your opening.

Julia, loosen up.

I love art as much as you do.

People like the fredholds

Deserve to be tweaked
every once in a while.

Anyway, they're very happy,

And they've been telling people.

I've been getting
phone calls like crazy.

Everybody wants to
see more of your work.

Isn't that a hoot?

I'm sorry. I'm afraid
I'm fresh out of purses.

Perhaps your clients
would be interested

In some belts or some shoes

Or maybe some of
my old underthings.

But what about those
paintings up in your attic?

Paintings?

She's got lots of them,
but won't let us see.

Charlene...

I don't think they're quite
roseland's kind of art.

Oh, come on, julia. Try me.

A lot of people would k*ll

For an opportunity like this.

Anyway, thursday night

I always show new artists.

If you decide to,

Just bring your paintings on by.

No pressure.

We'll throw them on the walls

And see what happens.

I got to run. Bye-bye, julia.

Well, bye.

Hi.

Hi. Bye-bye.

Julia, this is so exciting.

You've been discovered!

Guess what? I've got great news.

Julia's going to be famous.

Oh, great.

Look. I've been
down at mccurdy's

You-pull-it-yourself
salvage yard,

And I found a
bumper for your car.

I didn't find a fender,

But they're working on it.

What?

It's practically brand-new.

Mary jo, I'm willing to
forget this whole thing,

But you're insisting
on making it right,

And I think you
should've asked me first

If I wanted some used
junk parts on my car.

Well, all right, charlene.

You win.

I've done everything I can

To come up with a
creative solution.

When suzanne scratched my car

We didn't have
this much trouble.

Suzanne, tell her.

Well, there you have it.

If that explanation isn't
good enough, I just give up.

I forgot my bumper.

Charlene, I want
your honest opinion.

Do you think my
paintings are unappealing?

Oh, no, julia.

My mouth gets watery

Just looking at
these fruit bowls.

You certainly have a
way of capturing papaya.

Don't worry, julia.

Someone will show an
interest in your paintings

Real soon.

Oh, my!

What a wonderful work of art.

What that's doing
hanging in this tiny gallery,

I will never know.

It's much better
than that guy picasso.

I don't mean to criticize,

But don't his people

Look like accident victims?

A nose here, an eye
here, and an ear...

Hi, charlene.

Hi, mary jo.

I'm trying to create some
interest in julia's paintings.

I don't think anybody's
much interested

In her work.

You don't see many fruit
bowls around these days.

Personally, I like them.

I'll tell her.

Julia?

Oh, I like your paintings.

Mary jo, please.

No, no. I really do.

I don't know as much
about this as you,

But, gee, I'm really impressed.

Well, actually, I'm kind of glad

That my work isn't
attracting much interest,

After the silliness
we've been through.

The fact that these
completely meritless paintings

Are not selling

Restores my faith
in the art world.

Anyway, how are you doing?

Oh, o.k.

I'm trying to convince
charlene to let me fix her car.

I wish I could just hand
her a check for $2,044

And be done with it.

Julia... Your fruit bowls!

What about them?

They're so campy.

Well, I realize
they're not purses.

Oh, no. Don't get me wrong.

I like campy. Campy sells.

They look like
something you might find

In some cheap motel room.

Did you have that in mind

When you painted them?

No.

Well, the fredholds
are going to love these.

I'll bring them over
when they get here.

Ha ha!

Julia, I would like to
buy one of your paintings.

Mary jo... No, i...

That's so sweet, but really,

I think you'd be better off

Going down to that
gas station parking lot

And getting yourself
a nice picture

Of some dogs playing poker.

No, now really, seriously,

I... I just love them.

Oh, especially this one.

Don't you think that
would look wonderful

In my breakfast room?

Would $20 be enough?

O.k. If you truly want
it, I'll give it to you,

But don't feel
obligated to hang it up

Every time I come over.

Julia, you remember
the fredholds.

They're big fans of your work.

We're very interested
in motel motif.

I beg your pardon?

Motel motif.

Paintings bolted
to motel room walls.

Roseland says they're
difficult to find,

And we definitely
want to buy one.

How much are they?

Uh...$1,500.

Which one would you like?

This one.

It's the best by far.

Why, look. It has a mango.

Oh, it is nice,

And it will go with the couch.

We'll definitely take it.

Marvelous!

$1,500 You said?

Well, you see,

This painting
belongs to me, and...

Gee, I just like it so much.

I don't think I could
possibly part with it

For less than $2,044.

Who do I make the check out to?

Charlene stillfield.

It was just horrible.

This doctor used one of
those exacto knives on me.

I mean, he actually
had to cut my lips apart.

It's amazing they
didn't have to use

That jaws of life thing.

You know, the least
you people could do

Is show a little sympathy.

I have been on a
fast for two days.

Not to mention that I practice

Kissing myself in the mirror

To get my lips back in shape.

We can only imagine what
a traumatic experience

That is for you.

O.k., Charlene. I
do think it's time

To return these
paintings to the attic.

At least I finally
got to look at them.

You sure you want
to put these back

Now that you're a professional?

You do have a
responsibility to your fans.

I'm scared of those people.

I wouldn't be surprised

If they were outside
picking through my garbage.

Anyway, I think it's time
to gracefully retire.

I must admit, I thought
I knew about art,

But this experience

Has left me
completely nonplussed.

I was going to say that, too,

Except for the word nonplussed.

Well, I have plenty to say

About what went
on the last few days.

Julia, you made a big
fool out of yourself

At that gallery,

And that roseland
friend of yours,

She dresses like a shepherd.

Also, mary jo, I can't believe

That you gave
charlene all that money

'Cause she didn't want
used parts on her car.

Please!

She comes from that
hillbilly territory.

You know, they all got
about 400 junky used cars

Up on blocks in the front yard.

Charlene, hand
me that maxi-glue.

No, I don't think so.

This stuff is too dangerous.

I'm throwing this stuff away.

You know, suzanne,

I can't wait to
tell all my family

And my hick friends
back in poplar bluff

About this former beauty queen

That tried to glue her nail

And instead glued her lips shut.

They are never...
Going to... Believe...

Hee hee hee! They'll
believe that though.

Ha ha ha!