05x19 - Blame It on New Orleans

[bunniefuu]

Nothing? Anything at all?

Yeah, the convention.
O.k., Thank you.

We're leaving for new
orleans in 45 minutes

Still one hotel room short.

How could we be so stupid?

Yes, I'll hold.

We booked rooms a year ago.

Didn't know anthony
would make partner.

Anthony's been our
partner for six months.

It should've occurred to
us we'd need another room.

Well, I'm here.

Let's go.

We're not ready
to go yet, suzanne.

Oh!

Mary jo, I forgot. A message.

Garret rossler wants to
meet you in the hotel bar.

Who's garret rossler?

That lighting fixture
representative

From charlotte who
takes mary jo around

During design expo.

Long distance
romance is brewing.

If anything's going to
happen between you two,

I'll bet it happens in
new orleans. Listen.

"First-time visitors
to new orleans

"Cannot uncover all her secrets,

"But they cannot help

But be swept up in
her spell." Exciting!

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.

I cannot believe you're
bopping off to the big easy

And leaving your baby behind.

I'll be gone less than 48 hours.

I'll miss her, but I'm leaving

A little bowl of food
and milk on the floor.

She'll be all right.

A bowl of milk on the floor?

She's pulling your leg, suzanne.

Charlene has told
us a dozen times

Mrs. Philpott's going
to keep olivia, o.k.?

I just think somebody
ought to stay here,

Answer the phones,
collect the mail.

Since anthony's
the newest partner,

It ought to be him.

It just sticks in your craw

That he's made
partner, doesn't it?

It's nothing personal.

It's just that there's
too many chiefs

And not enough indians.

I think things worked better

When anthony was an indian.

Well, too bad, kemosabe.

You know I never
knew what that meant.

In this case it translates as

Lazy inconciderate white women.

Sussan I don't want to hear
another word about this

Anthony is going with us
and thats all there is to it.

New orleans is a big city

And in that big
city there got to be

One more hotel room
for one more person.

Oh yea.

"New orleans is a big city."

Lots of hotel rooms.

That's why four of us

Are crammed into a
room the size of a closet,

And anthony lolls around
a room all by himself.

Why are you having
such a hissy fit?

It's like we're four
college roommates.

Better yet, we're four
high-spirited stewardesses

On a layover in the big easy.

Well, excuse me, charlene.

I didn't grow up in dogpatch.

I didn't learn how to
sleep 18 hillbillies to a bed.

Suzanne, I would
appreciate if you did not

Put my cosmetics on the floor.

I need the space.

So far you've taken all
the dresser drawers,

The closet, the
vanity in the bathroom.

Could you leave this one
surface for the rest of us?

No.

At least take all your big
old louis vuitton luggage

And shove it somewhere.

Like where?

Don't tempt me, suzanne.

It says they call
sidewalks banquettes.

Isn't that neat?

I don't feel like I'm in the
united states anymore.

Anthony won't need his
complimentary shower cap.

I'll go get it.

Suzanne, knock.

Oh, o.k.

Uh-uh, suzanne!

Oh get over it your decent

All right! Dresser top...

From here to here... Is mine.

Anthony, I took your shower cap!

I figured you didn't
need that creme rinse

Or the skin lotion.

This shampoo isn't right
for your kind of hair, so...

Who moved my wig?

I did. The dresser
top is now mine,

And if you want it back,

You'll have to
arm-wrestle me for it.

Look, there's a
seating chart in here

For the superdome!

I've seen that on tv,

Now I'm almost right next to it.

Yes, it's just a
dream come true.

Why are y'all testy?

There's not enough oxygen
in the room for four people.

I feel kind of bad

With y'all all cramped
in here like this.

I know to some people
it wouldn't look right,

But one of you could
stay in my extra bed.

That's sweet, but we'll manage.

That's a standing offer.

I've got to finish dressing.

I've those important
business meetings to go to.

Well, laissez bon temps roll on.

"Laissez bon temps roll on.

I've got important
business meetings to go to."

First you make him a partner.

Then he gets a room by himself.

Y'all are creating
a monster here.

I'd like to tell you

Why that's about the most
offensive thing you've said,

But I have to get
ready to go to dinner.

No. I get first dibs
on the bathroom.

I have a business dinner.

Business before pleasure.

Ha ha ha! I won!

Yeah, well, I got
business to attend to, too!

Anthony!

I'm getting dressed, suzanne!

Well, zip it up! I'm
coming through!

Hi, julia!

You remember garret
rossler, don't you?

Yes. Nice to see you again.

Do you want a drink?

No. Just club soda.

A double bourbon
and a club soda.

I don't need alcohol.

This city is enough.

It's like disneyland for adults.

I mean, instead of
having frontierland

And tomorrowland,

They've got liquorland
and stripperland.

I swear, this is
like that island

Where the donkey
boys took pinocchio.

Hi! Hi, y'all!

Garret, how you doing?

Great. How are you?

Good. We're having so much fun.

We followed this jazz
band down the street

To this big old party.

We partied for two hours

Until I realized it was somebody's
funeral. Where you been?

K. Paul's to eat.

I've never eaten
so much in my life.

Don't you love paul prudhomme?

He's so cute cooking for
bryant gumbel on today.

When I had morning sickness,

I got queasy watching people
sucking crawfish heads at 7 a.m.

Want to order?

No. We're going to
the french quarter.

Y'all come. We're going
where they serve hurricanes.

Only three people
know the ingredients.

Then we're going
to this witch woman

Who reads the
bumps on your head.

After that we got to
go to that voodoo place.

Consuela gave me a list here.

They don't open till midnight.

If you'll excuse me,

I see some gentlemen I
know need lighting fixtures.

I'll be right back.

I'd like to remind everyone,

We have a presentation
in the morning.

We remember, we remember.

O.k., I'm bored.
We going or what?

Yeah, yeah. We're
going. Y'all coming?

Garret and I are going out.

I'm going to bed. Have fun.

Don't get blown away
with those hurricanes.

You aren't used to liquor.

We'll be good. Bye.

Bye.

You and garret seem to
be raising your friendship

To a new level.

Yes, we are.

As a matter of fact...

Don't wait up.

Oh, I see.

Is that o.k.?

You asking me?

I'm just a suburban mom,

But also a young woman

Just learning to
have a good time.

Tell me I'm not being a slut.

Obviously you've given
this some thought.

You're a grown woman.

You know what you're doing.

I knew you'd try to
talk me out of this.

Everybody needs to
cut loose and go wild

Every once in a while.

I know it's just a
brief encounter,

But I've known garret for years.

It's not like I'm doing it

With jack nicholson or anything.

It's my body. It's my life.

I think I probably only have

One wild oat in me.

Something about
being in new orleans

Makes me want to sow it.

Like, when in rome... Go for it.

Hang from chandeliers, put on
costumes, order whipped cream.

Just don't give me any
more good reasons.

I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.

It's like you've just lost
all your moral fiber.

Hey, there. You awake?

Hi.

Hi.

Brought you some
beignets and coffee.

Oh, thank you.

So, how are you this morning?

Feel great.

It was fun, wasn't it?

I never do this.

I know. You told me 200 times.

You still respect me, don't you?

Well, don't you?

Of course. I thought
you were joking.

Well... I was.

Sort of.

I just have these ideas

There are certain
rules you live by,

And if you so much as put
one toe over the boundary,

Then something really
terrible will happen.

But I guess I was wrong.

Right?

Right. Listen, I got to
shower. It's getting late.

I got a full day
of meetings today.

Feel free to stay around
as long as you want.

I have to get moving soon.

We have a presentation today.

If the phone rings,
don't answer.

It might be my wife.

What time is mary jo
planning on getting here?

I'm worried about getting
through this presentation.

Don't worry. Mary
jo will be here soon.

I'm worried about
me. I'm feeling woozy.

Here. Drink this. It works.

What is it?

Hair of the dog.

Suzanne! I just got out
of bed 20 minutes ago.

So what's your point?

You had two
hurricanes last night.

I only had one.

How come you're so put
together this morning?

A clever makeup job
will conceal anything.

Give me some of that.

I cannot believe you two.

I hope our next convention

Will be near the
betty ford clinic.

Hi, mary jo. What's new? Ha!

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Don't
yell. My head hurts.

Sorry. Can we get on
with the presentation?

O.k. Let's get started.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

If everyone will
take their seats now,

We can get started.

Hello. Hello?

I don't think this
microphone's working.

I'll take a look at it.

I was on the...

I was on the audio/visual
squad in high school.

Good morning.

Good morning, everybody.

If we could keep the noise down,

It would certainly help me

Until we get our
microphone fixed.

Welcome to our presentation

Entitled "space,
light, and texture."

We are the sugarbaker
design firm from atlanta.

I am julia sugarbaker,
and these are my partners...

Suzanne sugarbaker...

Charlene stillfield...

And mary jo shively.

To begin...

Texture is so often
the forgotten stepchild

Of interior design.

What does this
have to do with feet?

Excuse me?

Isn't this seminar about
degenerative disorders

Of the metatarsus?

No, I'm afraid it's not.

Sorry, lady. We're podiatrists.

We must be in the
wrong hospitality suite.

Let's stay here.
Their food's better.

Charlene, are you making
any progress with that mike?

Charlene!

I'm sorry. I must've
passed out for a minute.

Hello, podiatrists.

Try fenster foot supporters.

They're an uplifting experience.

Hey, she's got samples.

I'll say.

Excuse me! I'm speaking up here!

Julia, forget it.
No one is listening.

Excuse me!

This convention is a farce.

It's an excuse for
people to misbehave.

I shouldn't have come.

You know I'm depending
on you. Get back here.

I cannot think about this now.

What's wrong?

I got it!

I slept with a married man!

I keep replaying the
whole thing in my mind.

I thought I had the
situation psyched out.

I thought I was
being so responsible.

I took every precaution.

I... I asked every pertinent
question but one...

Are you married?

We've been over and over
this from every angle.

It's not like you
k*lled somebody.

I don't know, julia.

Adultery's up
there in the top 10.

I think it's noble of you

To look for the
blame within yourself,

Rather than just pinning it

On that lying, cheating
light bulb salesman

Who actually deserves it,

But if you intend to go on

Wearing your hair shirt
and gnashing your teeth,

I'm sorry, I just
can't listen anymore.

This convention has worn me out.

I feel like I've been
dragged across

Those quaint new
orleans cobblestones.

I'm going to have
to go to sleep.

I suggest you do the same.

Trust me.

You'll feel a whole lot
better in the morning.

Julia, don't you see the
bitter irony in all of this?

I was married to a
cheating husband for years.

I should've developed
some kind of sixth sense,

But, no, I had no sense at all.

I was right.

You put one toe
over that boundary,

And you are dog meat.

Oh, julia...

In all the years that
you have known me,

Have I ever done
anything so stupid?

Julia?

I'll just take that as a no.

Charlene, her fingers tapered.

Men's fingers don't taper.

They're more like
vienna sausages.

What on earth?

Oh, sorry, did we wake you?

What time is it?

It's 3:30. We went to
this great nightclub.

We saw this female
impersonator... Lolita dupage.

He sang do you want to
bump like ann-margret.

Suzanne said lolita
was really a woman.

I've been backstage
in enough pageants

To know padding when I see it.

That was not padding.

We brought you some
carry-out etouffee.

Eat it now. It's hot.

I don't want to eat it now.

I want to sleep.

I've had a very hard day.

Still feel bad about
committing adultery?

What about lolita's elbows, huh?

They were flawless.

Men always have
those scaly patches.

Maybe he uses noxzema.

I am telling you, charlene,

Lolita is a woman
pretending to be a man

Pretending to be a woman.

Haven't you ever
seen victor, victoria?

All right, that's
it. I've had it.

I don't care if this lolita's
george bush in drag.

This argument is stupid.

In fact...

It's the stupidest
argument I've ever heard.

I don't want to hear
anymore about it.

I don't want to
eat your carry-out.

I want to sleep!

Keep your voice
down. This is a hotel.

Excuse me.

For the past 48 hours

I have endured
in this loony bin,

I have witnessed
every debauchery

Allowed under the
napoleonic code.

Drunken men have paraded
before me in lampshades.

Girls in bikinis

Have thrust their
samples in my face.

I have been the only
person in this entire city

Who has maintained even
one semblance of decorum,

And you are now telling me

To keep my voice down?

Well, this is the last straw!

Where are you going?

To sleep in anthony's room.

I don't care who knows it.

I don't care how it looks.

Hey, hey, hey!

New orleans!

I am julia sugarbaker!

And I'm going to go sleep
in anthony bouvier's room!

I am white! He is black!

We are not engaged!

And he is significantly
younger than I am!

So just put that
in your etouffee

And chug on it!

It's going to be

Soda crackers and
alka seltzer for a week.

This whole trip has boiled
down to one big maalox moment.

I'd feel better if we had
accomplished one thing

While we're down here

Besides making big
fools of ourselves.

It's an accomplishment
that I got through yesterday

Without getting punished.

Haven't you always thought

There's a big
scorekeeper in the sky

With a big tote board
saying things like,

"Mary jo shively slept
with a married man.

Guess she's going to
have to get hit by a bus."

It's doesn't work that way,

Or we'd all have tire
marks across our backsides.

I know how to make
yourself feel better.

thr*aten to tell rossler's wife.

You'll make out like a bandit.

I mean, we are talking emeralds.

Thank you, suzanne.

No matter how low I go,

I can always count on you

To make me feel
morally superior.

Hi, y'all.

This is that performer
I wanted you to meet,

Lolita dupage.
Lolita, this is mary jo,

Julia, and that's suzanne.

She doesn't believe in you.

Go on, lolita, tell her.

I'm a man.

See, suzanne? I told you!

His real name is leonard,

And, look, here's
his driver's license.

How do I know that
ain't your brother?

If you're a man, you're
going to have to prove it.

All right, girlfriend.

How's this?

Oh, that doesn't prove diddly.

I wish I was feeling better,

Because I really
think I could enjoy this.

There's only one
way to settle this.

Come on. Come on.

I think that I am
beginning to feel better.

One thing I know for sure.

This city has a strange
effect on people.

Everybody has a wild side,

But new orleans seems
to bring it out in people.

You think it's the voodoo?

No, I think they
spike the tap water.

Aah! Call the police!

There is a man in
the ladies' room!

Oh!