05x22 - Friends and Husbands

[bunniefuu]

When approaching an intersection

At which you plan
to make a turn,

At what point do
you begin to signal?

Well, what's the answer?

It's a ridiculous question.

You don't know, and your
driver's test is next week.

Right. I've a test coming,

And I don't know
the answers, so...

What do I have to do?

Cheat.

Study.

Back from the bank?

I didn't go yet.

I saw this, and I had
to show it to you.

Is this billy bunny or what?

I love it! He's perfect!

Charlene and I are trying
to write a children's book,

And this rabbit

Looks like how we
imagined our main character.

I thought we'd use
him for inspiration.

This weekend we'll
look at him while writing.

This weekend we say were
working this weekend?

No. But don't you want to?

I thought I would spend
some time with the kids

Come on, were so
close to finishing

Besides with bill in the gulf

I'm all alone in that big house

With olivia I like
having you there.

I have something to tell you.

I called my friend
catherine dunbar.

She publishes children's books.

I asked if she'd read
your manuscript

And give you
professional feedback.

That is, if you
two would like it.

The catch is she'd need it

A week from monday,

Before leaving
for the caribbean.

A week from monday?

That doesn't give
us very much time.

Oh we have to work this weekend.

Oh please...

Come on we will be
bachlor girls together

Like the old days.

Yea, yea you talked me into it.

Ted would be happy
to take the kids.

Good. How about 8:00?

I'll bring pizza.

Julia, wasn't bernice
here earlier? Where is she?

Anthony had to
take the van out so

So sent gernise with him.

You know he kinda
keeps her out of trouble.

Guess what, everybody.

We're teaching
consuela how to drive.

No, we're not, bernice.

I know I promised I
would, but I can't.

Consuela's the
worst driver I've seen.

This woman is a lunatic.

After I explained to her
the importance of using

The correct turn
signal, she signals right

And then turns left real quick

Yelling, "ha ha
ha, I fooled them!"

Consuela wants to
learn how to drive?

You can't be serious.

We're talking about a
woman who howls at the moon,

Makes necklaces
out of chicken heads,

Throws butcher knives
at the good humor man.

What would make anyone believe

That this deranged person
could actually learn

How to operate a vehicle?

Why not? I did it.

You know, consuela's
such an exciting driver.

I videotaped the whole thing.

You see, I'm trying
to get on that show

America's funniest
unsolved mysteries.

Well I'm sorry I'm out of
the driving show business.

Charlene, I was looking

At those catalogs
in the storeroom.

Show me which ones to keep.

I need prices from them anyway.

It's almost 3:00.

I better get to the
bank before it closes.

Julia, how's petty cash?

Fine, fine.

I'll be back quick.

Is that a driver's manual?

Does it have a list
of hand signals?

I was wondering,

What does a raised finger mean?

I get that all the time.

Is charlene still
in the storeroom?

Yes.

Keep her there.

Don't spill the beans.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

Charlene!

Could you come out
here for a minute?

My hands are full right now.

There's somebody
here to see you.

O.k., Just a sec.

Hurry up! He's awful cute.

All right.

I don't know what
the big hurry is.

Oh, my goodness.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

You don't need to thank me.

I wasn't talking to you,
I was talking to god.

Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming home?

I didn't know till they
put me on the plane.

Thank heavens you're home.

Where's he been?

Bernice, you remember.

Bill's been in the persian gulf.

Oh, that's right.

Operation panty shield.

Bill, bill,

There's someone I want
to introduce you to.

This is randa oliver.

She's staying with me

Till her parents get
back from europe.

This is colonel stillfield.

Hi.

I don't know where to start.

So much has happened.

Wait till you see olivia.

She's walking, and she can talk.

I swear she said,
"forrest sawyer."

I know that sounds weird,

But it's possible.

I've been watching news
coverage every day.

Did you meet general
schwarzkopf?

Does he really look
like jonathan winters?

He does.

He doesn't make
those funny voices...

Am I rambling?

Yes, darling, you're rambling,

And it's the sweetest
sound I've heard

In eight months.

I just can't stop
looking at olivia.

She is so gorgeous and so big.

Sit down.

What's all this?

Isn't it late in the
year for a fire?

It'll make up for the fires
you missed this winter.

And this cake is for the
birthday that you missed.

I see we're going to
make up for lost time.

That's right.

Oh, I missed you so much.

I used to go into the closet

To smell your clothes.

Now your clothes are right here,

And you're wearing them.

It's like a dream come true.

If you and my clothes want
to be alone, I'll understand.

When those first troops
started coming home,

I was so jealous.

I knew if I was patient,
you'd come home, too.

Want me to cut the cake?

No, thank you, honey.

I'm still full from having

Every single one of my
favorite foods for dinner.

I've never had steak,
pork chops, and ravioli

At the same meal before.

Didn't you like it?

You know I loved it.

Why don't you
stop racing around?

Let's just relax and open
this bottle of champagne.

Good idea.

Oh, no, wait, wait.
I got a surprise.

Stay right here.

Charlene.

I promise you'll like it.

I'll be right back.

Hi, bill.

What are you doing here?

Didn't charlene tell you?

We got a deadline.

We got a week to
finish our book.

Oh, yeah, the book.

She did tell me about that.

Well, come on in. Sit down.

Oh, gee.

Am I interrupting something?

Uh, no, no, not at all.

Ready or not, here I come!

Hey, colonel, don't
you think it's time

I took off this
big yellow ribbon...

Oh, my gosh, mary jo!

Call me psychic.

I think that's a definite sign

That I am interrupting
something.

I'll let myself out.

Mary jo, wait, wait!

It's all my fault.

I completely forgot
about tonight.

I was just a little distracted.

It's... It's understandable.

This works out great.

You'll get to spend
time with your kids.

Not really. I arranged
for them to be with ted.

So you're going to be alone?

Don't worry. I'll be fine.

Have a wonderful homecoming.

Wait. Maybe we could
work a little bit.

Charlene.

I am the one who insisted

That we work on the
book this weekend.

I mean, maybe we could write

For half an hour?

Charlene.

I don't know.

Bill, is that o.k. With you?

Of course. We'd love it.

All right.

Great.

So what do you think, charlene?

Should we give billy bunny

A mountain bike like quint has,

Or should we give him
something more like

An old schwinn like
pee-wee herman's?

Huh?

Would you pass me some pizza?

What do you think?

Uh... Mountain bike, I guess.

That's what I think.

There's our popcorn.

I'll get it.

Oh!

When is she going to leave?

It's my fault, but
what can I do?

Say, "my husband and I
would like to have sex,

Would you mind stepping
outside for a moment"?

That would work.

I'm sorry. I've
been in the desert.

Let's at least start
dropping hints.

O.k., But subtle hints.

Not too subtle.

O.k., O.k., Ohh.

Ohh.

It is so great to see
you two together again.

I bet y'all want me
to get out of here.

Oh, no, we love having you here.

Yeah, we sure do.

Boy, am I b*at.

I bet you are. You've
had a long day.

Well, y'all want to go to sleep?

Yeah, yeah.

I guess we sort of do.

Why don't y'all go to bed?

I'm on a roll. I might work
another couple hours.

You don't want

To drive home by
yourself real late.

That's o.k.

Then maybe you should
stay in our guest room.

I don't know. Are you sure?

Of course we're sure.

That would be great
if it's no trouble.

No problem. It's fine.

This is fun.

It's kind of like a big
old slumber party.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hi.

Where is everybody?

Julia and consuela

Are at the department
of motor vehicles.

They're taking their
driving test today.

I hope they have better luck
with the eye charts than I did.

What do you mean?

I think they tried to trick me.

Mine were written
in another language.

Anyway, I finished my video.

Would you mail
it for me, please?

I'd be glad to. Just
leave me the tape.

Tape?

Oh, bernice.

You... You forgot to
put a tape in the camera.

They didn't say anything
about a tape at the store.

I thought you just sent
the whole camera in.

Oh, darn.

Another beautiful kodak
moment down the toilet.

I think I'll go
back to that store

And give them a
piece of my mind.

Or maybe not.

It might just be the
piece that's working.

How did it go? Did
you get your license?

No, charlene, I didn't,

Thanks to suzanne's
totally deranged,

Utterly psychotic,
incredibly stupid housekeeper.

What happened?

Well, for starters,

All during the written test,

Consuela kept looking
over my shoulder

And taking my answers,

And when I finally
told her to stop it,

The clerk walked over,

Took away my test paper,

And proceeded to
publicly chastise me,

Julia sugarbaker, for cheating.

Then while I was being detained

In a dingy, poorly
ventilated office,

She went on to
take the driving test,

But unfortunately
she ran into a little snag

At the drive-through window.

Our dmv doesn't have a
drive-through window.

They do now.

Consuela rammed
suzanne's brand-new cadillac

Right through their
plate glass window.

Boy, I'm in trouble now.

Why are you in trouble?

I knew consuela was mad

That I stopped
giving her lessons,

But she didn't
put a curse on me,

So I kept quiet.

Yesterday I got this
goat's head in the mail.

I couldn't find the card,

But I was pretty
sure who sent it.

Oh, anthony.

Consuela's family is in
the meat packing business.

Sending animal heads

Is just her way of
saying thank you.

I got one last christmas.

That's enough.

Could we change the subject?

Charlene, tell us
how wonderful it is

Having bill at home.

Oh, it's really great.

I mean, what little time
we have to spend together.

I was hoping I
could talk to you.

I've got a little problem.

It's mary jo.

I love her and all,

But since bill's come home,

We haven't had a minute alone.

She's over every night

Working on the book, having
dinner, spending the night.

It doesn't sound like her
to come over uninvited.

Oh, no. I mean, I always
sort of invite her.

I don't know what to do.

Why don't you just tell her?

I couldn't do that.

I promised I'd write the book.

I don't want to offend her.

She's my best friend.

Hi.

Charlene, since it's slow here,

Let's knock off
early and get a jump

On figuring out
the end of the book.

We only got two more days.

What?

What is it?

Oh, well...

Mary jo, I'm afraid I
can't work tonight.

W-what do you mean?

We've got to. We've
got a deadline.

I know.

Mary jo, I'm sorry.

We'll just have to
miss that deadline.

We've worked every
night since bill came home.

I didn't want to
say anything before

'Cause I didn't want to be rude,

But we got to have
some time alone together.

Well, of course.

Sure.

I understand that.

Boy, am I a dummy or what?

I just... I didn't realize.

I thought when you
said, "please stay,"

You meant, "please stay."

Boy... So silly.

You're not upset? We
can finish the book later.

No. Whatever.

That publisher was doing
us a favor looking at it.

She just wanted
it handed in on time.

You're upset.

No. Don't be silly.

It's just a stupid book.

I'll be fine.

You go on home.
Have a nice weekend.

Honey, do you think
angela lansbury is sexy?

Oh, yeah. That's why
I watch this show...

For cheap thrills.

I always thought I'd
look like her in 30 years.

Will you still think I'm sexy?

I won't care if you look
like wilford brimley.

I'll still think you're sexy.

Boy, you've been in
the desert too long.

I like this homecoming stuff.

Me, too.

I'd sure love another
piece of that peach cobbler.

O.k., You got it.

I'm going to take
a quick shower.

Don't be long.

Hey. I'm not going
to stay but a minute.

I have a surprise for you.

I finished the book.

You did?

I didn't have anything
else to do this weekend,

So I whipped off the ending.

We can still fax it to
that publishing woman

Before she goes on
her trip tomorrow.

Gee, I thought you
were going to wait

So we could finish it together.

You were so busy,

So I thought I'd go ahead.

Read it first, then we'll talk.

Yeah, o.k.

What?

What... What is that?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's just grammar.

Oh, grammar.

What?

Billy bunny's
chewing bubble gum.

Billy's got a retainer.

A rabbit with a retainer
wouldn't chew gum.

It's not real.

Yeah, right.

Don't you want me to read this?

Why? You're not in a
position to criticize.

You weren't even there.

You shouldn't have
finished it without me.

There are other problems, too.

Like what?

I don't think billy bunny
would've ridden his bicycle

To the jerry lee lizard concert

After he'd eaten
enchanted cookies

'Cause the cookies
make him able to fly.

Why would he ride his bicycle

5 Miles in the rain?

Billy bunny made
a conscious choice

To be like the other bunnies

And not exploit his powers.

That's what the
whole story's about.

It's that bunnies are people,
too, even the nerdy ones.

Charlene, that's the
stupidest thing you've ever said,

And you've said some
pretty stupid things.

I never said anything
stupider than...

"Then all the
bunnies in bunnydom

Hip-hopped happily
into the sunset."

Aagh!

Hold it. Let's get a
truckload of mud in here,

And you all can really go at it.

Sorry. We're just...

Having a little creative
difference of opinion.

I know. I heard.

I think I know what
the problem is.

There's one too many
people in this house.

I'm sorry. Charlene,
you'll have to leave.

What?

I'm just kidding, honey.

After where I've been
the last eight months,

I recommend you negotiate
an immediate cease-fire

And get on with being friends.

Boy, bunnydom can be a
really rough neighborhood.

You're right.

Bunnydom's a stupid word.

Bunnydom.

It's not stupid. On second
thought, it's kind of cute.

I bet kids will love that word.

Yeah.

I have this feeling that...

We haven't been arguing
about the book at all.

I know what you mean.

When bill was gone, I
needed you so much.

Now that he's back,

You must feel like I dropped
you like a hot potato.

No, I don't.

I understand.

I kept waiting
for you to tell me

You wanted to be alone,

But you just kept
inviting me over.

I'm... I'm so embarrassed.

I thought that,
you know, maybe...

That you were just trying
to readjust to being together

And that you wanted me here

To take the pressure off.

Where'd you get that idea?

I saw it on oprah.

It's called post-w*r
reunion stress.

It was a pretty good show.

Mary jo!

I love you so much.

I just need to lay
off for a while

And let you two have
room to breathe...

Breathe heavily

And all those other
things married people do.

Don't worry about the book.

We'll fix it later.

Thanks. Oh, you. Thanks.

Did I hear the all-clear?

Yes. Yeah.

Everything's o.k.

Good, 'cause I'm dying
for some peach cobbler.

I forgot.

You want to stay and have some?

I'd love some... No!

I'm not falling for this again!

No, no, mary jo!

We mean it this time!