06x05 - Marriage Most Foul

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

And the coca-cola company

It's signed, sealed,
and delivered.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The eighties are
officially over.

How's that?

Donald and ivana Tr*mp
were spotted at the k-mart.

You're kidding!

The k-mart manager accepted
their check. I wouldn't.

Don't assume he was shopping.

He was probably
looking for a job.

Hey, that reminds me.

Guess who I saw at
my coffee shop today.

Marla maples.

I overheard her
telling a waitress

She was back in town
visiting her parents

Since that wedding's
been cancelled.

Poor marla. I've been
meaning to write her a note.

Oh, that's right! You were
going to be a bridesmaid

At marla's wedding to the
donald, weren't you? Oh, my gosh.

Do y'all remember
when I predicted

That wedding wouldn't come off?

I mean, I'll never forget

Watching regis and kathie
lee when marla announced it.

I remember thinking,
"no, this will not happen."

Do y'all think that maybe
I've got psychic powers?

No, carlene, I don't think so.

See, I knew you were
going to say that.

Well. And boy, talk about
the eighties being over,

Here's another item for you.

Look who is getting
out of prison already...

Barry binsford. Can you
believe it? Guy convicted

In the biggest insider
trading scandal of them all,

And out after two lousy years.

Barry binsford is out of prison?

Can I see that?

Allison, it seems I
recall uncle frank saying

That you worked at
binsford and walker once.

Did you ever run
into barry binsford?

Did i? I was one of his
closest personal assistants.

We were like that
for four years.

Granted, he didn't know
my name for the first three,

But later he did.

I cannot believe
I'm not mentioned.

I never get credit.

For what?

Anthony, it was my testimony

That sent barry
binsford to prison.

You finked on your boss?

It was a difficult decision,

But I felt with my looks

I could become a media darling.

Aren't you overstating
your role in that thing?

Surely, you were one
of many colleagues

To testify against him.

Julia, don't be naive.

I was no mere colleague
to barry binsford.

I see.

Mm-hmm!

You two shared an office?

No.

We were... Special friends.

Barry loved me,

But we were on a higher plane.

Oh, he was ruthless,
arrogant, demanding.

He would sell his grandmother

To make a deal.

He was like a god to me.

But I knew it would all be over

If I ever slept with him.

Carnal relations
aren't my strong suit.

Oh, come on. Don't
run yourself down.

Let me get this straight.

You led this dude on,

Gave the goods to the feds,

Then sold him down the river?

If I grasp your quaint but
unnecessary prison parlance, yes.

If I were you, I'd be in the
market for a bodyguard.

You know, allison, I think
anthony might be right.

Barry binsford could be packing

A sharpened spoon with
your name on it right now.

Maybe he's reformed.

People do see the
error of their ways.

When I was little, I loved to
make lightning bug jewelry.

You'd tear their rear ends off

And make little
glow-in-the-dark earrings?

But now that I'm older,

I'm a lot more compassionate
about those bugs.

Can you imagine if
your rear end lit up

And somebody was just out
to chase it and tear it off?

Can you imagine that, julia?

No, I can't, carlene.

Allison sugarbaker speaking.

Barry?

As in binsford?

Well, of course I'm surprised!

I was just talking about you.

So, has the world
been treating you well?

O.k., We'll talk about it then.

No, it's a left on piedmont.

That's right.

O.k., Bye.

Barry called from his car phone.

He's just blocks away.

From here?

Yes. You were right.

He's bent on revenge.

He said that?

Not in so many
words, but he said,

"I need to see you."

Ooh, that sounds bad.

I can't face this confrontation.

I'm getting out of here fast.

This is exciting.
Tell you what...

I'll keep watch while
you run her out the back.

If barry wanted revenge,

He'd hardly call you
and make an appointment.

Besides, if he tries anything,

You could unleash your
secret w*apon and sleep with him.

I'm glad my travail amuses you.

Well, I'm out of here.

Too late!

He's here.

Allison, the fence
next-door's pretty low.

With a running start,
I think you'd clear it.

Oh, excuse me. I'm
looking f... Allison?

Barry!

Anthony, frisk him.

Well, now, that's
quite a welcome.

Mr. Binsford, even if
allison ruined your life

And finked on you,
she couldn't help it.

She has obnoxious
personality disorder.

It's not her fault.

Mr. Binsford, I am julia
sugarbaker, allison's cousin.

As you can see, there's
been some speculation

About why you're here.

I'd hoped to speak to
allison about that in private.

It's been so long.
Don't I get a hug?

You keep your distance.

What's past is past. You
followed your conscience.

Do you want me
to get on my knees

And beg for mercy from
your ruthless revenge?

Revenge? That's funny.

Oh, of course, I must admit

That early on I did
entertain those thoughts.

You all heard that.

But now I'm grateful
for what allison did.

Prison's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Before, all I cared about
was money and power.

That and crushing like a
bug anybody who crossed me.

But now... I've read
a lot of rod mckuen,

I've listened to a lot of
zamfir pan flute albums,

And I know the most
important thing I can do

Is help save the rain forest.

I have my second chance,

And I'm not going to waste it.

Carlene, what's the matter?

This just reminds me

Of my favorite
hymn, amazing grace.

Mr. Binsford, around here,

We're accustomed to giving
everybody a second chance.

I, for one, wish you
the best of luck.

That's enough, carlene.

O.k., O.k.

Well, I'm still not buying it.

Allison, please,
a second chance.

I'm not much of a prize.

After all those federal fines,

I'm only worth a
measly $40 million.

Could we be happy on that?

What are you saying?

Allison...

I'm such an idiot!

You could have smeared
poison on your lips!

Allison, I didn't come
here to hurt you.

I came here to marry you.

Well, I give up.

I've called every
caterer in atlanta.

Not one will cater a
wedding on a week's notice.

Ohh, now, don't say that, julia.

There must be someone.

This is the most important
day of allison's life.

We don't want to disappoint her.

Well, my, aren't you the
happy little wedding elf?

I'm just so happy that
those two crazy kids

Found each other.

The last few days,
there's been love in the air.

Barry loves allison.
Allison loves barry.

And I love the idea
of him marrying her

And getting her the
hell out of my house.

You're an incurable
romantic, anthony.

Like my little bags of
rice? Aren't they festive?

What I don't understand

Is why they have to
get married in a week.

Allison says that's
just barry's way.

Barry knows what he wants,

And he goes right after it.

All we can do is grit our teeth

And help where we can.

Suffice it to say nobody's
looking forward to this.

♪ Here comes the bride

♪ Here comes the bride

Ooh, I love that song,
especially the lyrics.

Julia, I have been thinking.

I know allison says she
doesn't want any bridesmaids,

But she ought to
have one attendant,

And since you're
her cousin, julia,

You should have the honor.

So I called my mama,

And I had her air express

The dress charlene wore

When she was my maid of honor.

Oh, yes. And...

I tried to stop her.

I don't think so, carlene.

Hi, everybody.

Hello, allison.

Hello, barry.

Hello.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Maybe a soda?

Perhaps we could turn
the garden hose on you?

Come on, now, julia.

Let's not disturb
our little lovebirds.

I'm beginning to understand

Why they have to
get married in a week.

Seven days of that
kind of foreplay,

You either have to
get married or explode.

How are the wedding plans going?

Have we found a caterer yet?

No, allison, we haven't,

And we need to talk.

Ohh, all these decisions
are making me tense.

Barry, could you give
me another massage?

Of course, darling.

He's got magical hands.

Allison, before you go on

To the 96 positions
of the kama sutra,

There are a number of
things we need to discuss.

Julia, I just don't have time.

You take care of it.

Ohh, I only hope

That all you
lonely, single girls

Will find the
fulfillment that I have,

Even though statistics
are not on your side.

Bye.

Bye.

When she throws her bouquet,

I hope I catch it...

Because then I'm going to
stuff it down her throat.

I just can't get a good angle.

Excuse me?

Good premise... America's
biggest swindler

Marries woman who turned him in,

But there's just not a
whole story in there.

How about you?

You got any dirt?

Mary jo, how's it
going in the kitchen?

Somebody's got to get
the show on the road.

These guests are
getting restless.

What I really don't understand

Is why are we
doing all the work?

Because we want this

To be the happiest
day in allison's life.

So far, it's pretty
much a disaster.

It's o.k. She hasn't
had a very happy life.

Allison. Allison, stand still.

I can't hem your dress.

Psst. Anthony.

Is barry here yet?

He called on his car
phone. He's on his way.

Why are these
people eating already?

Because these
people are starving.

These people have been
here for two hours already.

Well, of all the nerve.

Go get the food away from them.

You've got to go back upstairs.

It's bad luck for the bride

To be seen before the wedding.

Somebody's got to maintain

Some decorum around here.

Hi. Welcome to my wedding.

Allison, get
control of yourself.

Hi. Welcome to my wedding.

Allison, I am sorry

That the guests
have started eating,

But things are not
going as scheduled,

And it's time for you

To exhibit some
grace under pressure.

There's not been a
quiet moment all week

For me to talk to you,

And I want you to
think about something.

You are about to promise,

Before the eyes of god,

Eternal loyalty to this
barry binsford person,

And I want you to be
sure you really love him.

Oh, my god.

You're having second thoughts.

Is that potato salad I see?

Is that luncheon meat?

Oh, let the earth
swallow me up right here.

Julia sugarbaker!

How could you serve
cold cuts at my wedding?

Miss sugarbaker?
Hi. Jim stewart.

I was sent here to cover this.

Welcome to my wedding.

Why would you have
a tabloid reporter

At your wedding?

It was barry's idea.

I think he wanted
to show america

How he'd turned his life around.

Well, it's tacky.

Hey, a big limo just pulled up.

That's barry.

Attention, everybody.

The groom has just arrived,

So the wedding will
begin pretty soon.

Ahem. I have a gorilla gram
for allison sugarbaker.

These are for you.

And, uh, this is from barry.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue,

You squealed on me,
now I'm jilting you."

I hate messages like this.

No tips.

I don't like this.
I do not like this!

I think this is what's
called the big payback.

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Oh, allison.

Julia and mary jo
and carlene are here.

Hello.

I suppose you've all
come to jeer at me.

Don't be silly.

Well, you should.

I'm a loser.

My life is pathetic.

Somebody might as well
get some pleasure out of it.

So laugh.

Laugh.

Laugh.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Carlene... She doesn't
really want us to.

Allison, we have a couple
of big surprises for you.

Why don't you let us pitch in

And help you
clean this place up?

No!

I like it.

I want it to stand,

To stand as a monument...

To my monumental stupidity.

Have you been wandering around

In that dress for three days?

Yes, I have.

You mean you haven't
had a bath in three days?

That's correct.

Carlene, that's not the point.

Well, good hygiene
is always important.

Why do things like this
always happen to me?

I mean, I know I'm obnoxious,

But not all obnoxious people

Get kicked in the
teeth like this.

I mean, obnoxious people
get married every day.

Where do you think

All those obnoxious
little children come from?

Allison, I don't think
you should feel so bad.

It's hard not to be
taken in by someone

When they have their
tongue down your throat

24 Hours a day.

Look at this.

You're on every
checkout stand in america!

You actually made the tabloids!

Course, you're on page 28,

Which is right by

An expose about
lawrence welk's son

Who, apparently,

Is refusing to
play the accordion.

Let me see that.

"Binsford's wedding revenge."

That's not a bad picture.
What do you all think?

The dress is pretty.
It's a good picture.

Would you sign my copy?

Why, certainly.

Well, I'm going to
have to read this.

I probably come off pretty well.

After all, it's the
fragile, delicate beauty

Abused by the horrible
former convict.

Ahh, here we are.

"Allison sugarbaker,

"The beautiful blonde...

"Bimbo...

"Is shown here in the
love nest she shares

With an unidentified black man."

What?

My grandmama's
going to see this.

Carlene!

Allison, please
don't be mad at me.

Besides, we got a
bigger surprise, right?

You're not going
to believe this.

We were in that coffee shop,

And there she was.

I know you don't know her well,

But she vaguely remembered
you from that health club.

Anyway, we told her about
how you'd been dumped...

Carlene, let's get to the point.

Allison, we've run
into a friend of yours,

And she wants to speak to you.

A friend?

Of mine?

Marla!

Allison.

That's right.
A-a-allison sugarbaker.

Do you remember
me from the jacuzzi?

I was one of about 14 women,

And we'd sit there
and stare at you?

When your friends
told me what happened,

I had to come by and
say keep your chin up.

Oh, she is so wise.

I still love don,

But he has to be the one

That goes out
and tells the press

He's the one who dumped me

So he can look
like the big stud.

That's how it is when
you date someone rich.

You get the short
end of the stick.

Ohh, so that's what
the problem was, huh?

You know, marla, we did hear

That you said the donald

Was the best sex you'd ever had.

You know, he's not the only one

Who lies to the press.

Anyway, I never said that.

You mean, the press
sometimes makes things up?

Well, that is disillusioning.

Gee, marla, you know,
I feel better already

Just knowing that
we're in this together.

I mean, who needs
these men, right?

In fact, I'm going to tear
up barry's phone number...

If he ever gives it to me.

That sounds like a great idea.

Matter of fact,

I'm going to take the
donald's personal number

And rip it up, too.

Well!

We need to get you out
of this wedding dress.

All right.

I can't believe that the
press makes things up.

Do you suppose that means

Madonna might be
really a nice girl?

Look, let's clean up this mess.

Everybody grab something.

Hello. Hello, mr. Tr*mp?

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

I'm just calling you to say,

On behalf of the
american public,

Mr. Tr*mp, we no longer
care who you date.

We really don't.

You're no longer obligated
to alert the news media

Every time your
pants are on fire

Because we don't care.

So, please feel free to fire

Your many hacks,
flacks, and publicists

Employed for this
purpose because,

And I repeat,

We don't care.

Who am i?

Who am i?

Well, you've never met me,

But you can just
call me the julia.