06x12 - Real, Scary Men

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Hey! Oh, I hope I'm not late.

I've been picking up a few
things for our business trip.

I still can't believe I'm
going on a business trip.

It just sounds so...

So...

Business-like?

Mary jo, once again

You have the right
word for every occasion.

I went to this neat boutique.

It's called the sharper lady.

It's an executive
women's boutique

With all this neat stuff
for business gals on the go.

I got this thing.

It's called an easy
snoozer headrest.

And what you do...
Come here, allison...

You put this thing
around your neck,

And you can catch up on a few zs

Without messing up your
power hairdo. It's great.

And it says right
here on the box

"Used by many
prominent executives."

Try used by many
prominent nerds.

Why didn't you just pick up
some pocket pen protectors

While you were at it?

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

Carlene, this is very
thoughtful of you,

But, you know, it's
just a three-hour drive.

You never know. Those
people on gilligan's island

Thought they were only
going on a three-hour tour.

And thank goodness ginger
and mrs. Hale both overpacked.

My point exactly.

It's really very nice, carlene,

But we're just going antiquing

In the georgia mountains.

We don't need any
special equipment.

Well, anthony's not here yet.

No. He called. Said he
was going to be late.

Apparently, he had another
difficult night again last night.

Allison, are you still
trying to drive anthony

Out of suzanne's house?

Well, I think "drive him
out" is a little dramatic,

But on the advice
of my therapist,

I'm using a little
subliminal suggestion.

Mm-hmm. Subliminal.

You call putting no doz
in his decaffeinated coffee

Subliminal?

Call putting cayenne
pepper in his nose drops

A suggestion?

Oh. Well...

He still doesn't know
I took in the leg holes

Of his jockey
shorts a half an inch.

I wonder when he'll notice that?

You... Ooh.

Good morning, anthony.

Don't you "good morning" me.

I know what you
been up to, missy.

You're trying to
drive me insane.

Now, you've poisoned my
nose drops and coffee,

And I'm pretty sure you been
messing with my underwear.

Anthony, I think you're
just being paranoid.

Also, I think she did
something to my cereal.

This morning while
eating my rice krispies,

They were going,
"snap, crackle, k*ll."

Are you two going to
be at it all weekend?

If you are, I'm going
to stay at home

And give my dog a flea dip.

You know anthony's not
going antiquing with us.

He's meeting with those guys

From the new
atlanta men's center.

Right. You're dropping
me off on the way.

When you pick me up, I'll
have the signed contract

For sugarbakers to decorate
their new men's center.

Julia, are you sure you
want that contract?

I thought you'd be dead set

Against decorating
an all men's center.

Oh, there... There have
to be all-boys clubs.

Otherwise, there
couldn't be all-girls clubs.

It's like back in summer camp

When they put the girls
on one side of the lake

And the boys on the other.

I wonder why they did that?

I think it was a sneaky way

To teach us how to swim.

Gosh, I loved girl
scout camp. Ooh!

We'd sing songs and tell secrets

And make fun of our
mamas' ugly hairdos.

And then we'd laugh and laugh

Until we wet our pants

From the sheer
excitement of it all.

Maybe while anthony's up there

Doing some male bonding,

We'll do some female bonding.

That's right, mary jo.

Whatever happens, you
know it's going to be lovely

Driving through the
beautiful fall foliage.

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Oh, mercy!

Aah!

That was some adventure.

I feel like a pioneer woman.

Oh! It's a good thing we
have these hefty bags, huh?

Right. Otherwise, that walk
might have been unpleasant.

Oh! How far do you
figure we walked

From where the van broke down?

However far four miserable women

Walking down a mud
road-slash-river can walk

In an hour and a
half, that's how far.

Oh, it's a math problem.

You see allison coming, mary jo?

Yeah, she's coming.

I cannot imagine being so
concerned about your shoes

That you put ziploc
baggies on your feet.

Well, it's sure cutting
down on her traction.

Well... You all laughed at me,

But my ferigamos are fine.

Then you look like you
borrowed your boots

From your best
friend the swamp thing.

Well, I just think
this is exciting.

You think
everything is exciting.

You probably think static
on television is exciting.

Oh, you mean snow?

I love that.

We should knock on this door.

I'm not looking forward

To meeting these
men's club people.

Bet they're a bunch
of old fuddy-duddies

Sitting around in smoking
jackets. Look at us.

Oh, well. I don't care.

I'm freezing to death.
I'm going to knock.

Aah!

Anthony. What on earth?

What are y'all doing here?

Car trouble. What are
you doing here in this getup?

This isn't exactly a
men's club like I thought.

See, these guys are into that
new-age men's movement thing.

See, they're trying to get
back to their primitive selves,

You know, the way men were

Before they got so messed up.

Really?

When was that?
Before the big bang?

We'll just use the phone and go.

They don't have a phone.

Well, that's all right.

We'd just like to come
inside until you're finished.

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

You all do not understand.

These are a bunch of
foaming-at-the mouth,

Crazed, yuppie
bubbas in loin cloths

Out on a testosterone high.

Of course, since I
was the only black guy,

They decided I must be
some sort of tribal expert,

Like I'm the shaka zulu
of atlanta or something.

Naturally, they were surprised

When I couldn't even keep
a steady b*at on the drum.

That's why I'm
guarding the door.

I don't think they'll
like you coming in there

Because it's not proper.

Oh, excuse me. I've just
walked 5 miles in the mud

Wearing a hefty bag.

I'm freezing to death.

This moisture is not
good for my sinuses.

I'm really not looking for
etiquette tips on what's proper

From a guy wearing
a big diaper, o.k.?

I'm going in.

No! No!

Anthony. We're all
going in. We're desperate.

Besides, how bad could it be?

Hey, boys.

Ho.ho. Ho. Ho.

Ho. I am the one
that is called simba.

O... K.

You've sold me.

Hey, simba.

We have decided that
you may be sheltered here,

But you must be silent.

You cannot come near the
sacred circle of manhood.

That is very kind
of you... Simba.

Rest assured we have no desire

To get anywhere
near your manhood.

We will just stay here.

Ho.

Well... Guess we better
make ourselves comfortable.

If we're going to wait for
this crew to find their manhood,

We could be here a while.

I don't get this. Is this like
indian guides or something?

No. It's all this neo-jungian,

Joseph campbell, robert bly,

Get-in-touch-
with-your-savage-self stuff.

Modern men feel
they've lost their rituals.

Oh. Well, I just don't
agree with that.

I mean, my ex-husband
dwayne dauber

Had a lot of rituals.

I mean, like the way he'd
take that big ol' sunday paper

And just spend all
morning in the bathroom.

The way he'd always
suck on a toothpick

After every meal.

And every time
after we made love,

He'd always say, "that
ought to tide you over."

Ho!

Ho! Ho!

Ho!

Now we will pass
the truth stick.

When you grasp the holy stick,

Share with us your tribal name

And a story of
betrayal by your father.

I'm the one that is called shamu

Because I admire the fish

Who takes orders from no one.

Ha ha ha ha.

Mary jo.

My father would
take us for ice cream.

Many of the bigger boys
were getting double-dips.

My father forced me to
have only a single scoop.

My small mound of ice cream

Made me feel
powerless, impotent.

The shame of that moment
haunts me to this day.

I will never forgive him.

Ho!

Ho. Ho. Ho.

I don't get it.

Why didn't he just go back

And get himself another scoop?

Believe me. I'm sure he did.

Silence!

♪ Oh, great father

♪ Oh, great father
♪ oh, great father

♪ Bestow your wisdom on
our wronged brother shamu

♪ Shamu ♪ shamu ♪ shamu

♪ Who received

♪ Only one scoop
of his father's love

♪ When he should have gotten two

♪ Two ♪ two

Here, my brother.

Ooh, it's anthony's turn.

I am the one that
is called fess,

Because daniel boone was a man.

Yes, a big, big man.

Ho, fess! Ho, fess!

I'm the only man at
my place of business,

And the women-folk
that I work with

Interfere with my manly endeavor

To obtain us revenue.

When I ask them
to hold their peace,

They will not be silent.

Excuse me.

I would like to
respond to that if I may.

Would you please sit down?

This is not the
oprah winfrey show.

I am holding the truth stick.

Doesn't that mean
I have the floor?

It's for men only.

Oh, lighten up, sambo.

It's simba.

Whatever.

All I wanted to say

Is that we are not trying
to interfere with anything.

Do whatever you want.

That is all that
I wanted to say.

I stole a handful of candy corn

From the grocery store.

I didn't mean to.

They do not want us to play.

Here's your stick. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

You look very familiar.

Didn't you sell my
neighbor's house?

Aren't you a real estate agent?

This weekend I am a wildman,

But, uh, here's my card.

Stop it!

Enough! I demand silence!

The one that is called fess.

Yes.

You've brought dishonor to
the sacred circle of manhood.

You've allowed the impure ones

To pollute our manly mysteries.

Excuse me. I know we
weren't invited here,

And we intend to be moving along

Just as soon as possible.

You must be punished
for bringing them here.

No, I don't think so, simba.

E-excuse me, would
you mind waiting a minute

While I have a word
with the impure ones?

Ho.

I know these guys are
a little off the beam,

But I'm trying to
get us some business.

I've been working
on them all day.

I'm this far from getting them

To sign the contract.

I'm a partner now,

And I'd like to
get us some work,

Even if I have to
wear a loincloth.

All right.

Anthony, if you insist.

That's very manly of you, fess.

Ho! I await my punishment.

Ohh, boy.

Oh. I wish those wildmen
would get back here.

They've been gone
over half an hour.

I wish they'd do this
stupid punishment thing.

This doesn't seem right.

We were the ones who
polluted their mysteries.

They ought to be
punishing us, not anthony.

Do us all I favor,
and don't mention that

When those quest-for-fire
weenies get back.

All I can say

Is these men better
have a lot of money.

They do.

After all I've been through,

I just hope we get the job.

This davis gillette who
runs the whole thing...

He isn't even here.

They're going to report
to him on how I did.

Apparently, he's a recluse,

Kind of like the howard
hughes of men's liberation.

Men's liberation.
What a concept.

"Oh, we're so tired

"Of making all the big money,

"Having all the great jobs,

"Getting to be president,

"And never having
to stand in line

For the restroom. Boo-hoo!"

Ho!

I can't see much,

But it looks like
we've got a fire going.

A fire?

It looks like a bonfire.

They don't have a big
pot or anything, do they?

I don't see any pot,

Unless you're
talking about the belly

On that one guy.

If this men's
movement catches on,

They're going to have to
invent the control-top loincloth.

Hey, I know.

Let's play that
game "truth or dare."

That was always such
fun at slumber parties.

Come on!

Julia, you go first.

Who's the best kisser

You've ever kissed in your
whole life? Truth or dare?

I'm not going to tell you that.

O.k.!

Dare!

O.k., Let me think.

What can we do? What can we do?

I got it.

O.k., With your bra
wrapped around your head,

Do your best operatic
version of born free.

O.k., Go.

No. Thank you.

But, see, it's either
truth or dare.

No. It's either truth or dare

Or "no, thank you."

No, thank you.

Well, I guess there's
different versions to the game.

I believe I like my way better.

Perhaps some
other time, carlene.

Hey, they're coming back,

And that simba guy's
carrying a torch or something.

I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, they're here. Hey!

Ho!

That reminds me of a cheer.

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Ho, ho

♪ Let's get that ball and go

Do you remember that one?

No talk of cheerleading!

You may stay in our shelter
during the shaming ceremony,

But you must stay
here... In no man's land.

No man's land.

Right now that
sounds like heaven.

Let the shaming ceremony begin.

This torch represents the
soul of the shamed brother.

You are now seated
in the chair of shame.

Now it's time to shame
the one called fess.

♪ For your betrayal and dishonor

♪ You must feel ultimate pain

♪ You are wildman no more

♪ And we extinguish your flame

That's it?

That was the shaming ceremony?

That's pathetic.

You should call that
the boring ceremony.

I could have shamed
him better myself.

I mean, if you want
to shame somebody,

Go for their underwear.

Silence!

Oh, silence yourself, sambo.

It's simba. Simba.

It's not my business
what you people do

With your free time,

But I don't think

That real men go
around shaming people

Or whining incessantly
about their fathers.

Our fathers betrayed us.

They never taught us how to cry.

Oh, well, you seem
to be doing fine.

Please.

If you really want
to feel like crying,

Why don't you try

Being a woman who
holds down a job,

Raises a family,

Watches her legal rights
erode year after year,

And is still being told

Women's liberation
has gone too far.

That ought to make you
feel like crying. Ho-ho!

That's it! You women
are out of here!

Leave! Leave our manly hut!

Look, simba.

We really did not
mean to interfere

With your caveman weekend,

But our van has broken down,

And we can't leave
until it is fixed, o.k.?

All right. Then we will leave.

Our manly ritual room
has been bespoiled.

Cold and wet out there.

Now...

Listen, why does one
or the other of us

Have to leave?

I mean, why can't we have,

Like, a wildman-
wildwoman mixer?

The woman has a point.

Oh, yeah. Says who?

Says me.

I'm the one that is
called davis gillette,

Founder of the new
atlanta men's center.

Ho. Ho.

Get up, you idiots.

I wanted to come incognito

To one of my weekends
to see how they're going,

And now I see.

You morons have completely
distorted my message.

Real men are not
afraid of real women.

Mr. Gillette,

I'm sorry about the way
everything turned out.

I really wanted that job,

And I thought it
would be real exciting

To spend a weekend

Of all male companionship,

But the truth is,

These women have
always been in my life,

And they're always going to be.

Why try to get away from that?

And there's something else.

I think this whole
wildman thing's a crock.

If you really want to bond,

Why don't you
yell at ballplayers,

Play poker, or sh**t
animals like normal men?

We'll be going now.

Uh, ladies and fess,

We'd be honored

If you'd join us in
the sweat lodge

As honorary wildwomen.

But, sir...

The first wildman that
whines about it's going

To get whomped on the
butt with the truth stick.

Then we'll test our manhood

By fixing your van,

And we'll talk about the work

You'll be doing for me

On my men's center.

Wait. This is such
a special moment,

And, um, we have...

We had a song in girl scout camp

That we would always sing

During these
heartwarming moments

When mere words could
not express how we felt,

And we'd start off
by holding hands.

Do it, already.

And then we would... We'd sing.

♪ Make new friends
but keep the old

♪ One is silver
and the other gold

♪ Make new friends
but keep the old

♪ One is silver and
the other's gold

That is so beautiful.

We had a song like that

In the boy scouts,

A song we sang when
we were too ashamed

To show our real
feelings for one another,

And it went something like this.

♪ 99 Bottles of beer on the wall

♪ 99 Bottles of beer

♪ You take one down
and pass it around

♪ 98 Bottles of beer on the wall

Right on!

♪ 98 Bottles of beer

♪ You take one down
and pass it around

♪ 97 Bottles of beer on the wall

♪ 97 Bottles of beer on the wall

♪ 97 Bottles of beer