06x13 - Tales Out of School

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

I feel guilty leaving
first for the holidays.

I thought julia and anthony

Would be back
before I had to go.

We'll say goodbye for you.

Merry christmas, honey.

Going to miss you.

We'll miss you.

Thank you for the gift, bernice.

It's not much.

Just some panties and bras

That I picked up at a swap meet.

Thanks. Merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Bye.

O.k., Bernice. I got
your will all typed in.

You just push this insert key

To put in your beneficiaries.

Cool.

Put jacques
cousteau's name in there.

Bernice, I don't understand
why you don't use a lawyer

To do your will,
like a normal person.

Well, because doing-
your-own-will-at-home kit

Is a lot of fun.

Since it's in the computer,
I can change it every day.

But don't you worry.

You'll be thrilled when I die

After seeing what I've left you.

Bernice, you take that back.

Nobody will be
thrilled when you die.

That's right.

What are you leaving me?

If you want something good,

You'll have to suck up.

Oh, boy, am I glad to get home.

That mall is a madhouse.

It took 20 minutes to
get a parking place.

Anyway, now I
know why they sing,

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la

They obviously went crazy.

You would think with
this recession going on,

The christmas crowds
wouldn't be so bad.

Julia, julia, julia...

There is not a recession on.

George bush has
stated that very clearly.

There is no recession.

And if all those
unemployed people

Would just stop whining

And get out there and
buy houses and cars,

Everything would be fine.

That reminds me.

I've got lots of
christmas shopping to do.

Tell me, what
would you girls like?

No, no, no, bernice.

We all know that
you're on a fixed income.

You needn't buy
us any gifts at all.

Just being our friend
is present enough.

Oh, dear. I know
what's coming here.

Just so you know, miss goodwill,

Being my friend is not enough.

I want merchandise.

I sure as hell don't want
another life alert necklace.

Buy me some jewelry and
some kickass leather pants.

If I fall down, I'll get
the hell up myself.

Bernice, you're cussing a lot.

I know it,

But I get very abrasive
during the holidays.

They started playing
that sleigh bell song

At the mall last labor
day and won't let up.

♪ Giddy-up, giddy-up,
giddy-up, it's grand

♪ Just holding your hand

♪ Do you hear what I hear

♪ Seven swans a-swimming

♪ Six geese a-laying

♪ Ring, silver bells,
sweet silver bells

♪ It's christmas day

♪ Ring, ring

♪ Ring, ring, ring

It's all right. You're here now.

Hey, that reminds me.

Mary jo went to see her mother,

And she wanted us to
tell you merry christmas.

I won't be leaving
until next week.

Anthony and I have
final exams all this week.

That's right.

Carlene, you're about to finish

Your first semester at college.

You know we're all
very, very proud of you.

Sometimes I feel
everybody in college

Is way ahead of me already.

Don't feel bad, carlene.
I'm having trouble, too.

The first year in
law school is a k*ller.

Julia told me you made
straight as all though college.

But in law school,

My entire class made
straight as in undergrad.

I'm having trouble keeping up.

Sometimes I wonder
if I'll ever be a lawyer.

It's pretty sad
watching l.a. Law

And the only character
you can relate to is benny.

And I've got this professor

Who reminds me of that
guy on the paper chase.

The one who talks like this...

He loves to humiliate
students and say things like,

"Mr. Bouvier,

"Here's a quarter.

"Go call your mother
on the telephone

And tell her that
you'll never be a lawyer."

So I've done all my studying,

I know all my cases,

I know all my arguments,

He calls on me. "Mr. Bouvier?"

And I turn into jerry lewis.

"I'm sorry. I didn't
hear the question.

I'm sorry."

Since you're both
on the same campus,

Maybe you could
help each other study.

Oh, I sure could use
the moral support.

Uh, excuse me, carlene,

But I think that I give
you moral support.

Didn't I go over
all the questions

For your american history test,

And didn't I bend your fingers
back when you were wrong?

That's a good idea,
studying together.

We're both taking
evening classes.

Maybe we should read
in the student union.

I'll go over whatever
you're having trouble with.

O.k.

Well, I guess that
would be all right.

I did take money
out of my savings

So carlene could go to school.

I would want her to
have every advantage.

That's what I'd do
for my daughter.

If her grades go up,

She can try out for the
pep squad in the spring.

All right, now, let's see.

How about johnson
vs. Phitzer electronics?

That's the guy who was
trying to repair his lawn mower

While he was naked,

And he sustained a burn
in a very delicate area

And claimed negligence
against the manufacturer

Because he wasn't previously
notified of that possibility.

That's a pretty unique case.

No, not really. Actually,
there's a similar case

Involving a weed-whacker.

I can remember cases,
but not the names.

It's always jones vs.
The state of florida,

Or smith vs. The u.s.
Circuit court of appeals.

It'd probably be easier

Naming them like they
do on the people's court.

That lawn mower
case would be called

The case of the nudie neighbor.

More like the case of
the neutered neighbor.

That other one would've been

The case of the man
who whacked his weed.

O.k., Now, don't get
carried away, carlene.

I know. I'm sorry. I just...

We've been eating junk
food and drinking this coffee.

I'm not used to it.

Man, I'm wired, you know?

We should work on
some of your things.

No, anthony. You're giving up.

You didn't let me,
so I won't let you.

When you feel discouraged,
just say to yourself,

"Dan quayle made it
through law school,

And so can i."

Yeah, but dan quayle
had connections.

That's what I need.

Some kind of personal advantage

That would make my
professors notice me.

I don't have a rich
daddy or a famous name.

What chance do I have?

Oh, my gosh.

What?

Look who walked in.

Who is it?

It's dr. Burton. I
told you about him.

He turns you into jerry lewis.

He hates me.

Hello.

You are in my
first-year liability class.

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir. That's very good.

Not that you need
me to tell you that.

You don't need a compliment
from me. I'm nobody.

I'm actually somebody.
I'm mr. Bouvier,

But you can call me anything.

Thank you, mr. Bouvier.

You appear to possess an uncanny

And hitherto
unprecedented ability

To grasp onto
conversational nothings,

Form them into a rope,

And choke yourself to death.

What do you think of the
mcpherson vs. Stoller decision?

U-u-uh... Mcpherson vs. Stoller?

I got it. Don't tell me.

The case of the
dangling doberman.

Ooh, that's very good.

Perhaps you should replace
mr. Bouvier in my class.

Would you introduce
me to your ladyfriend,

Or perhaps she's your wife?

No. This is miss carlene dobber.

She's a friend who's
an undergraduate here.

She also works at
the decorating firm

Where I'm a partner.

Hold on to your
day job, mr. Bouvier.

How do you do, miss dauber?

Hey.

Well, good luck
with the examinations,

And don't forget...

Ignorantia legis non excusat.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It means, "ignorance
of the law is no excuse."

It's my little joke.

Oh, well, that is funny.

Corpus christi.

I hope to see you
again, miss dobber.

Perhaps mr. Bouvier
could bring you to my class.

You, uh...

I believe you might
find it stimulating.

Well...

I just don't know why
you think he's so scary.

He seemed friendly to me.

This is strange. He
didn't want to talk to me.

He wanted to talk to you.

Me? Why?

He likes you, carlene.

No, he likes you.

This is good. Very good.

I'll have a
connection after all.

Anthony, what are you saying?

I'm saying, put on
your red dress, baby,

'Cause you're going
out sometime soon.

Ha! Carlene, I told you.

Anthony, there's
a message for you.

Your professor
dr. Burton called.

You're to call him right back.

Hoo-hoo. I knew it.

This guy is hot to trot.

Carlene, what's all this about?

Oh, nothing.

Anthony and I ran into
one of his professors

In the cafeteria last night.

Anthony is so sure

That he's pining
away with love for me.

Thank you, dr. Burton.

Hoo-hoo!

What did I tell you?

I've just been invited

To dr. Burton's christmas party.

He never invites mere students,

But he invited me.

Then he casually said,

"Would you please ask
miss dobber to come?

She's charming."

He called you charming.

This from a man

Who hasn't had a
good word for anyone

Since the day he was born.

He wants us there by 8:00.

I know it's going to be cold,

But do you have a
winter woolen tube top?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, anthony.

I'm afraid I understand
what's happening.

Since you're in law school,

You would know the legal
term for it is "pandering."

I don't know what you mean.

I think she's
calling you a pimp.

I understand
what's going on also.

I strictly forbid it.

Carlene, I bought
you school jumpers

And knee socks and saddle shoes.

If you're going over to
this professor's house,

You can wear those.

Now whoa. Wait a minute.

I'm a grown woman.

If I want to help
anthony, I will.

I don't have to actually
deliver the goods, do i?

Ohh, carlene.

I would never ever ask you

To do something like that

Unless, of course, you
fell in love with the guy

During the course
of the evening.

I honestly cannot believe

That you would
even consider this.

Oh, julia, come
on, it's all right.

I've been used as a
sex object before.

One time my ex-husband dwayne

Invited some salesmen over.

He wanted me to wear
a pair of hot pants.

I said, "these hot
pants are 5 years old.

They don't fit.
They're too snug."

Dwayne looks at me and says,

"All the better."

So, sure enough,

Right when I'm serving
these cold beverages,

Those things just split.

And it wasn't very sexy

'Cause I had my old
days-of-the-week underpanties on

With all this
elastic hanging out.

It did not achieve the
effect that dwayne wanted.

He did not get
"salesman of the month."

I don't want you to do anything

You don't want to do.

Forget that my
entire academic career

And my future as a lawyer

Could be helped immeasurably.

I may have done
this man a disservice

When I said he was
mean and rotten.

What I actually meant

Was he was stern

In a thrilling,
masculine, sexy way.

It doesn't matter
what he's like.

Believe me, this is
a ridiculous plan,

And these things never
ever, ever work out.

I myself went out
with a much older man

When I was just
21 and in college.

It was the dean.

Oh, wow. Like in dean jones?

No, bernice,

It was the dean of students.

I had a lot of curfew points

For coming in late
to the dormitory.

I'd hoped that he
could get them removed.

He took me out to dinner,

Then to a long concert.

Then he took me
back to the dormitory.

It was after midnight...

And he gave me
more curfew points.

Oh, boy, julia,
that's a dull story.

The next time you tell it,

You should at least
have his illegitimate baby.

You know, anthony,

If you think this professor

Is really being unfair to you,

You have other
avenues of recourse.

He treats me like dirt.

He treats everyone like dirt...

Except for carlene,

Who thinks he's
thrilling and sexy.

There is one thing about
this guy that bothers me.

I talked to some other
students about him.

They had seen him with
younger women before,

And they all had
one thing in common.

They all had very big...

Julia, I know you hate
all the words for this,

But they had very large

Female frontal lobal regions.

Please, anthony.

I'd prefer the
term "headlights."

Are you saying my
chest isn't big enough?

Don't worry about that.

I have friends in the
costume department

At the little theater.

Do you have a bicycle pump?

Anthony, even if the
professor does go for carlene,

What makes you think that
this will better your grade?

That's right.

I'm here to tell you

That nobody ever gives
you anything in return

For favors like this.

Now, there is an
ex-convict with a hair net

Who works in our
cafeteria at leisure land.

Now, I just might say

That I have provided
him some favors

All through the years,

And I can't even get
an extra roll at dinner.

They weren't sexual favors.

I just clipped his toenails.

He's very fat.

Thank you, bernice.

Thank you for that...
Very pertinent outburst.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

But it wasn't me.

I cannot stand to hear
another word about this.

Promise me, anthony...
Word of honor...

That you aren't going to do
anything to cheapen carlene

Or put her under any pressure.

Absolutely not.

I cannot believe anthony
and carlene are not here

After all the strings I pulled

To get us two invited

So we could watch over them.

Now we get here,

And there's nothing to see.

Well, I'm glad
we're here anyway.

I have to make sure

That anthony doesn't do anything

To jeopardize the reputation

Of the allison
sugarbaker scholarship.

You know, allison,

I've been meaning to tell you

You're getting a
little overboard

On this allison sugarbaker
scholarship deal.

After all, you're not the
guggenheim foundation.

Well, excuse me if
I took an interest

In carlene's
advancement in the world.

Let's just send her back to
hooterville on a turnip truck.

Look who just came in.

Goodness!

I cannot believe that
those two did that!

I mean, hasn't this professor
met carlene before?

How is she going to explain

Why she's suddenly
9 sizes bigger?

She ran into a wall,
and they swelled up?

Oh, hello, miss dobber.

So glad you could come.

And she's so happy to be here.

Oh, hello, bouvier.

Why don't you get miss
dobber some punch?

Well, sure.

Sure, o.k. Mm-hmm.

I'm, uh...

I'm so very, very glad
to see you tonight.

You probably noticed,

But I do think I should tell you

I have an ulterior motive.

Oh, really?

Excuse me. What are the
two of you doing here?

I think a better
question would be

What are the two of those
doing on carlene's chest?

I was just trying
to help carlene

Put her best foot forward.

I can see what carlene
is putting forward,

And it's not her feet.

I suggest that you go over
there right now and break that up.

There's something
different about you.

I can't quite put
my finger on it.

You sure can't.

It's a joke. I'm teasing.

I guess I'm just dressing

A little poofier tonight.

That's probably it.

Poofier?

Poofier.

Whenever I see you
around the campus,

You're always
laughing and smiling.

That's why I wanted to meet you.

Um, I thought, well,

There's someone I want
my daughter to know.

Your daughter?

Paula, why don't you
come over here a moment?

There's someone I
want you to meet.

She's a little shy,

But she's come back home,

And she finds these college
women rather intimidating.

I do hope that you two
would become friends.

I know I'm being
presumptuous as a father,

But I am very protective of her.

Hi.

Well, hello.

That's good.

God! He's got another one.

He's got two of them
going at the same time.

I don't like this.

I'm telling you
for the last time,

Get carlene away from that man.

I have to make sure
not to insult him.

I better approach
him on his own level,

Like a man of the world.

Carlene, julia and
allison are here.

Go talk to them.

What are they doing here?

Why don't you go see?

I was talking to dr. Burton.

Uh-huh. Get along now.

Paula, why don't you go
pass out the hors d'oeuvres?

All right.

Mr. Bouvier, don't you think

That was a little rude

To send miss dobber away?

Well, now, dr. Burton,

You don't really want carlene.

I mean, you've got enough
on your plate as it is.

That blonde that was just here,

That's a very sexy woman there.

I really like the
full-figured type of woman,

But who doesn't, huh?

With that hourglass figure?

I sure would like
to play in that sand.

Mr. Bouvier, that
is my daughter.

Your daughter?

Your daughter?

I just talked to his daughter.

I'm talking to his
daughter like that.

What's wrong with him?

I think you should
take your friend home.

What should we do?

If I were you,

I would tell him to study,

Study as he has
never studied before.

Anthony, we're going home.

I'm studying, dr. Burton!

Watch me study!

I'm studying!