06x19 - All About Odes to Atlanta

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace I find

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Crazy sugarbaker's.

Our prices are insane.

Bernice, I'll get that.

Why did you bring her in
here to answer phones?

I didn't bring her in here.

I merely mentioned
how swamped we were.

When I got here, she
was answering phones.

Get her to stop it.

Sugarbaker's. Our
girls work cheap.

I got that, bernice.

Hello?

Bernice, if you
must answer phones,

Simply say, "sugarbaker's."

Nothing else. Just
"sugarbaker's."

I'm sorry, dear,
but that's boring.

I'll get it!

No! I...

Good morning. Boogershaker's.

Bernice!

Anthony, that was
the piano movers.

They can't move this to
the pittmans till next week.

Well, that was bootsie
pittman calling from bimini.

She wants me to
check on her iguana.

Julia, 14 rooms in 10 days

And she calls
every three minutes

For me to spoon-feed her lizard.

This job is too much.

I want to say to her,
"bootsie, you're in bimini.

Get your big old pale
butt out on the beach."

You've got to get a better
attitude about this job.

Lester pittman is
the kind of customer

Sugarbaker's needs
to be associated with.

Don't think of it
as working hard.

Think of it as sucking up.

Gee, that's a lovely
sentiment, allison.

Perhaps we should
embroider it on a sampler.

Good morning.

Hi.

Good. Carlene's not here yet.

I want to talk about her.

You see, she's
written this song...

Carlene has written many songs.

I know, but this
one's kind of special.

She's entered it in a contest

To be the official
theme song for atlanta.

It's to boost the city
for the '96 olympics.

It's made the semifinals.

The same carlene who wrote

That sentimental favorite,

Remember the good old days?

They were good, they were old,

They were days?

Well... Yes,

But this one really is cute.

I told her I'd help her sing it,

But she sees it as a trio.

No way, mary jo.

Now, julia, come on.

You're the only one who knows
technical musical stuff like pitch.

Pitch has never been a factor

In carlene's compositions.

There's no way
that I am getting up...

Hi, everybody!

Did you hear about my song?

Yes, we did, carlene.
Congratulations.

Mary jo has agreed
to sing it with me.

Julia, it'll just take me a
minute to teach it to you.

We'll be just like
emmylou harris,

Linda ronstadt,
and dolly parton.

Will you please listen to it?

Carlene, we don't have time

To listen to your
dogpatch ditties.

Allison, this is a
cross-over hit, o.k.?

It's country pop.

If I make the olympics,

I'll have realized
my personal best.

Julia, help me go for the gold.

I need one hour, that's all.

Go on, carlene.

Sing a little bit of it for her.

O.k.

Aah!

O.k.

♪ Dee do dee do do

♪ Drivin' the big
o 'round the big a

♪ Thinkin' 'bout all I've got

♪ Countin' up all my blessin's

♪ Sweet things atlanta's brought

That's the beginning.
What do you think?

Well, i...

Gee, carlene, those
are real lyrics!

This song has some potential.

What are you calling it?

No, wait. Let me guess.

Uh...

Variations on a
hooterville hymn?

No. It's called,

Atlanta, where my
sweet dreams come true.

That's nice.

Really?

That means so much to me.

I worked so hard on this.

Hey, what's going on?

Well, anthony, it's
hootenanny time.

Grab a washboard,
blow into a jug,

And I'll just go
into my squaw dance.

Sugarbaker's. Stand by your man.

Hey, everybody.

I want y'all to meet heather.

She's our first groupie.

Now, this is julia,

That's mary jo, that's bernice,

And that's allison back there.

Well, hi.

I was vic damone's first
groupie for a while.

It was a fatal
attraction kind of thing.

When it got too ugly,

I dumped him for mitch miller.

Heather's friend is a secretary

On that song committee.

She let heather hear
the semifinalist tapes.

She thinks we're the best.

My goodness, that's very nice,

But are you sure
we should be privy

To this kind of information?

My friend says the
judges went on and on

About your voice, julia.

Oh, they did.

Well, that's very flattering.

Won't you sit down, heather?

Heather's volunteered
to be our road manager.

She'll design our costumes

And handle all the press.

Well, gee, that's
really sweet, heather,

But I don't think you
should paint our names

On the side of a tour bus yet.

We just met heather.

We don't want to
take advantage of her.

Oh, that's o.k.

I'm just a grocery
store check-out girl.

I don't have much
to fill up my time.

Music keeps me
from being lonely.

I just got back
from pittman hell.

That iguana got out of its cage

And scared all the painters off.

I think she ate some paint.

She's looking kind of peaked.

I heard on national
geographic explorer

That an iguana needs
direct sunlight every day

Or it will lose its luster.

I watch that show all the time.

It's the only traveling I do.

Well, thank you.

I'm very glad to know that.

Who are you?

Oh!

Sorry, anthony.

This is heather.

She's apparently
our first groupie.

Well...

You must all be very busy.

I won't take up any
more of your time.

Oh, well, all right,

But you're as welcome
as the sunshine anytime.

Oh, great!

Maybe I'll come
back this afternoon.

Well, sure. We'll be here.

Thanks, and, um...

Believe me, your
song's a winner.

I feel privileged to be part
of your glamorous lives.

Well...

Bye, now.

Bye, heather.

Bye, heather.

Isn't she just darling?

I think she's pathetic.

I mean, please!

What self-respecting
groupie would latch onto you

When she could be
chasing rock stars?

Maybe she's a novice groupie.

Maybe she's just going
to cut her teeth on us

And then move on
to somebody like...

John denver.

I think I was his groupie, too.

Anthony, what do you think

Of this heather person?

Well, I don't know, allison.

You have to admit, that story
about her poor widowed mother

Scrimping and saving to buy a
pizza parlor in wingo, georgia,

Just to find out that she was
allergic to mozzarella cheese...

That's very pitiful.

Oh, please.

She could've picked that
up from queen for a day.

I mean, really...

What's wrong with this picture?

She's enamored of
three singing decorators.

I think I'm going to conduct
a background check

On that miserable little waif.

How are you going to do that?

I have a talent for espionage.

I came this close to
being recruited by the cia

When I was at wellesley,

But I couldn't
speak farsi, darn it.

I hate to be hard on someone

Who's had such a
bad time with pizza,

But there is something a
little disturbing about heather.

So you'll help me?

No, allison.

You're pretty
disturbing yourself.

O.k. Suit yourself.

But... The glory
will be all mine.

Hello.

Is anybody here?

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Aha!

Allison.

What are you doing?

Rifling through julia's desk?

I didn't know anyone was here.

Surprise, surprise.

I'm onto you.

I've been onto you
since the moment

You walked through that door

Playing poor pitiful pearl.

Excuse me?

There has never been a
pizza parlor in wingo, georgia.

How did you know that?

Educated guess.

I know you, you little grifter.

I've rifled through a
few drawers myself.

The only thing I can't figure

Is what's in it for you?

Nothing.

I just want to be
everybody's friend.

Yeah... You and john gotti.

I'm sorry you don't like me.

What's going on?

Heather, are you crying?

Allison, what did you do to her?

Oh, don't you see that
this is all part of her act?

Julia, I found her going
through your desk.

Why, heather...

I didn't mean to be rude.

The finalists will be
notified this afternoon.

I was leaving good-luck
presents for you all.

I even made one
for you, allison,

So you wouldn't feel left out.

Sugarbaker's... Now and forever.

Allison, under
the circumstances,

I think that you
shouldn't keep your gift.

No, I want her to have it.

It's all a ruse!

Tell them there's no stinking
pizza parlor in wingo, georgia.

There is no pizza parlor.

I made it up.

I thought if I told you

My mama's in jail for mail
fraud you wouldn't like me.

Mail fraud is a federal offense!

Oh, my goodness.

You poor little thing.

Allison, shame, shame,
I know your name.

You must have me confused
with someone who cares.

Bernice! Who was that calling?

Everyone who calls
here is mixed up.

That was some fruitcake
trying to tell me

That I'm a finalist
in a song contest.

We made it.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Sugarbaker blows
the lid off prices!

They hung up.

Bernice...

It would really help us

If you could work on the files.

We haven't had a chance
in weeks to file anything.

All right.

Do you have a system?

Well, you know,
just alphabetical.

How does that work?

Maybe you should just
stick to the phones.

Say, heather...

Be sure and keep our
costumes simple and classic.

We may be singing
a country song,

But we don't want to
dress like minnie pearl.

How's this fabric?

Oh! Well, julia, this is
pretty ding-dang classy.

Yes, carlene.

"Ding-dang" is exactly
the expression

I was searching for.

I'll make sure everything's

Up to your standards, julia.

Sell it to somebody
who's buying.

And heather has arranged for us

To have a hairdresser

And a makeup artist.

Heather, you're going
to too much trouble.

I hope you're not
neglecting your duties

Over at the winn dixie.

It doesn't matter.

I don't know when
I've had this much fun.

Well, I'll leave you all

To get some decorating done.

Bye.

Bye-bye!

We'll see you later. Thanks!

Bye-bye.

She is just the sweetest thing

To walk the face of this earth.

She is a force of evil.

She is the devil incarnate.

You really don't
like her, do you?

No, mary jo, I don't,

And it might interest you

To know that I followed her

To that grocery store,

And she is no checker.

She's a common bagger.

Allison, what is your problem?

Everybody here loves
heather except you.

Isn't that right?

Mary jo?

I think she's like one of
those happy face buttons...

They're supposed
to make you happy,

But they really tick you off.

But if allison dislikes her,

I'm willing to give her
the benefit of the doubt.

Julia, what do you think?

Well, carlene...

I like heather just fine,

But she clearly has some
self-esteem problems,

And I don't think we
should encourage her

To fawn on us.

You think she fawns on us?

No, I don't.

I think we're her role models.

I've never been
anyone's role model.

That's something I
take real seriously.

I know what it's like

To be somebody like heather...

You stand there at
a check-out stand,

Humming along to muzak,

Thinking about your mama

Cooling her heels in the clink.

I don't mean to be critical,

But y'all have a
problem with heather

Because you don't think
she's good enough for you.

Well, she's not.

I think it's terrible

The way you treat
that poor little girl,

Just the way you
take advantage of me.

I've been working in
this snake pit for days

And I've yet to see a paycheck.

Oh, anthony, I'm
glad you're back.

I am conducting a survey.

What do you think of heather?

She reminds me of anne
baxter in all about eve.

Remember how eve shows up

In that dowdy hat,
that frumpy raincoat,

And worms her way
into everybody's heart

With that always-helpful
self-effacing way?

And all the time she she was
trying to destroy bette davis.

That's a good theory, anthony,

But eve was after something.

What could heather
possibly want from us?

That's one nut I haven't
been able to cr*ck,

But I'll tell you this...

She's just like everybody
else in this world...

Out for number one.

Oh! If you really feel that way,

I just feel sorry for you.

You've got to learn
how to trust people.

You might have new
york city smarts,

But that doesn't
amount to a hill of beans

Compared to having friends,

Real friends,

True-blue friends like heather.

That was beautiful.

I'd sing kumbaya,

But I don't know
what the hell it means.

Carlene, let me use your brush.

No, don't touch your hair.

It's beautiful.
You'll mess it up.

That's the idea, carlene.

My head is enormous.

I told that hairdresser

To back off with
that tease comb,

But he said he was following
heather's instructions.

Well, I think your hair

Gives you star quality, mary jo.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Haven't you noticed?

All the really big celebrities

Either have big
heads or big hair.

If you've got a great big head

Like michelle pfeiffer,

You don't need big hair,

But if your head's little
tiny like dolly parton's,

You need that big
hair to compensate.

Huh.

And look at patti labelle.

She's got a big
head and big hair.

I guess she's got it
covered from every angle.

Well, I wonder where heather is.

She took our music to the band.

Five minutes.

Ladies, why aren't
we dressed yet?

I think we're in the
wrong dressing room.

No, you're not.

Wait a minute.

These are not our costumes.

They certainly aren't.

There's been
some kind of mix-up.

Do something.

You see a pin cushion?

I'm not a costume person.

My job is to get you girls
onstage in four minutes.

We have five minutes.

Not anymore.

Oh!

What are we going to do?

We can't go out
there in that get-up.

We'll just wear
our street clothes.

No, no! That will
spoil everything!

It'll be all right. Don't worry.

At least we've got our hair.

Oh! Oh, dear!

Where are our clothes?

Our clothes are gone!

Something is funny around here,

And I think it's heather!

Why aren't you dressed?

Because, allison,
someone has taken

Our clothes and our costumes

And left us with those!

Oh. Really?

And who could that be?

Surely you don't suspect
heather the gift bunny

Of switching your costumes,

And could it be
heather the hugger

Who's responsible for
your hairdos from hell?

And surely

It couldn't be heather
the true-blue friend

Who's following you
on tonight's program.

Read it and weep.

"Heather mcphaul."

Well, I guess our
little innocent

Winn dixie checker-bagger

Has fixed our wagons for good!

She set us up?

She worshipped me.

I trusted her!

I thought y'all were just
being snotty about her,

But she's fixed it
so we can't go on!

Oh, yes, we can.

We're going to get
in those costumes

And just go do it.

You won a place in this contest

And we won't let you down.

We just have a little business

To take care of first.

Places, ladies.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you be so good

As to show us to heather
mcphaul's dressing room?

Mm-hmm. Right this way.

Fasten your seat belts.

It's going to be a bumpy night.

Well...

Maybe we weren't that bad.

I was there.

Believe me, you were awful.

The band never did find
your music, did they?

No.

Heather thought of everything.

How could one human
being do this to another?

Because, carlene,

Heather is a
world-class sociopath.

I know that you all
think that I'm going to say,

"I told you so,"

But I'm not.

No, no. Just the sight of you

Dressed in those
hee-haw flygirl frocks

Is all the "I told you so"

That I'm going to need
for the rest of my life.

Well, I guess allison was right.

The world is a dark
and dangerous place,

Just full of dogs eating dogs.

Oh, I was such a sucker

To think that a pie-eyed kid

From poplar bluff, missouri,

Could ever have
a dream come true.

Now, wait just a minute.
I don't buy any of that.

These are not the words

Of someone who
wrote a song like this.

I'm glad this
piano's still here.

Ladies, join me, please.

Come on, now.

♪ Drivin' the big
o 'round the big a

♪ Thinkin' about all I've got

♪ Countin' up all my blessin's

♪ Great things atlanta's brought

♪ Got hawks and
braves and falcons

♪ And a fox the-a-ter, too

Come on, allison.

♪ Are people just like you

♪ Oh, yes, atlanta, where
my sweet dreams come true

♪ With peachtree street and cnn

♪ And the georgia sky so blue

♪ I wouldn't trade
stone mountain

♪ For a new york city view

♪ Ooh ooh ooh

♪ 'Cause only in atlanta

♪ I found you

It's a shame

Heather didn't get to
hear it one last time.