06x20 - I Enjoy Being a Girl

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Sorry I'm late. I
had my new group.

Your therapist can't take
you one-on-one anymore?

No, but I have
grown past therapy.

I've joined a new support
group called common sense.

It has a fascinating
do-it-now philosophy.

We call each other on
destructive behavior.

For example, if I'm
being obnoxious,

Someone might just simply say,

"Stop it."

How lovely for you, allison.

And how lovely for us.

We also praise each other
on constructive behavior.

For instance, if I toss
out one of my bon mots,

Like I do in that sassy,
insouciant way that I have,

Somebody might say,
"you're right, allison,"

Which is more than I can say

For what happens around here

Where allison-bashing
is the order of the day.

You people could make
better use of your time.

Sometimes I agree with
that japanese official

Who says american workers
are lazy and unproductive.

Stop it.

Oh, all right.

You're not technically
a member of the group,

But I'll play along.

O.k., Now you have to
say something positive.

About you?

Yes.

You know, I come in
here every morning

Just brimming over
with suggestions,

And no one has
ever thought to say,

"That's good, allison,"

Or "you're right, allison,"

Or "what an astute
businesswoman you are, allison."

Really?

We never say that?

Julia, can you believe that?

We never say that?

No, I can't believe it.

We'll have to
make a note of that.

You're pulling my leg.

That's right, allison.
That's good, allison.

What a very astute
businesswoman you are, allison.

Y'all are not going to
believe what happened today.

Don't tell us.

You found another rathole
apartment down in slagtown.

I know I get more excited
about these things

Than y'all do,

But this is pretty darn big.

My professor in
american government

Was talking about bush's
1,000 points of light program,

Which isn't a program,
but more of a notion.

Carlene, you're losing
your train of thought.

You know, julia, you're right.

I was losing my
train of thought.

Why do I do that?

I remember once when
I was a little girl...

Carlene.

Oh, y'all, this is such
a big moment for me.

Don't you wish at
really big moments

That you had a musical
score in your life

Like in the movies?

I'd like to have the 2001 theme
playing in the background.

♪ Bom

♪ Bom

♪ Bom

♪ Ba bom

♪ Bom bom bom bom
bom bom bom bom

♪ Bom

I'm the new troop leader
of troop number 6523,

Atlanta council,
girl scouts, u.s.a.

Isn't that amazing?

It's just...

Gosh-darn fabulous, carlene.

I get to wear this
great uniform,

And we have meetings
and campfires and all that.

That's a big responsibility.

Do you have anybody helping you?

No, and I understand this
is a pretty lively troop.

What makes you say that?

It's a troop made up
of rich, spoiled girls.

The woman who was
originally their leader

Said she'd rather be dragged
naked across hot nails

Than to ever be
left alone with them.

And so you just
jumped right in there,

Being the big softy you are.

They'll dissolve the
troop if nobody helps them.

You'll be a wonderful leader.

I was a girl scout.

I was, too.

We're having our
first meeting today.

I'm all prepared and everything.

I bought colored paper

To teach them how
to make origami birds.

Aren't the cute?

They flap their wings. See?

And also, julia, I
hope you don't mind,

But they're going to
come over here today.

Oh. Scout troop's
coming over here?

You don't mind?

How old are they?

They're 9 years old.

A pack of 9-year-old girls

Whose leader would rather
endure pain than be with them

Is coming here?

Um-hmm. Won't it be fun?

Boy, they were
something, weren't they?

I hate to sound
like an old fogy,

But should I be alarmed

That one of those
girls started to sing,

♪ I'm too sexy for my hat

♪ Too sexy for my cat

What is that, some
sort of new dr. Seuss,

Or some little girl thing?

And what is "jam"

And how do you pump it up?

I don't know, mary jo.

You were a little
girl once. You explain.

Get with it, you
two. It's on mtv.

I didn't think you ever
watched anything but pbs.

Well, you don't have
to watch to be aware.

"Pump up the jam" means
turn up the volume.

It's a prevalent term
in hip-hop culture.

Well, anthony, you're black.

Am I right?

I have no idea.

Well...

I am right.

And this is another example

Of not one of you
validating my rightness.

Would anyone care to try it?

"You're right, allison."

Well, all right. You'll have
plenty of other opportunities.

Well, I'll tell you, I
think these little girls

Are just way beyond hip.

One asked me did I
have a boyfriend,

What kind of car does he drive,

And did we sleep together?

Oh, my gosh. What'd you say?

I said, "eat your cookie, dear."

Well, I had the privilege
of meeting one tiffany,

Whose best friend's
name was also tiffany,

And they proceeded to dis this
other little girl named tiffany

That I didn't have the
privilege of meeting,

But they did assure
me that sierra

Is "like, so cool, man, really."

You know, mary jo and anthony,

I cannot believe
y'all are going on so

About 9-year-old girls.

They are children, after all,

And every child has
a special light in them.

Those girls need someone
to flip that switch on.

Our carlene's just
the woman to do it.

I don't know, julia.
These girls in the nineties,

They know all about sex

And rock stars dancing
in their underwear

On top of smashed cars.

I don't think I can
teach them diddly.

I quit.

Carlene, you can't quit.

Why not? I never
quitted anything before,

Except my marriage
to dwayne dobber.

That turned out pretty good,

So I'm willing to try
this quitting thing again.

Yeah, but if you quit,

You'll still be teaching them.

You'd be teaching them
that good, kind women

Quit when they're challenged.

But I just can't handle
these girls by myself.

They sure liked you, mary jo.

I saw tiffany number
one looking at you

With such
admiration in her eyes.

No, carlene. What she was
admiring was this bracelet.

She asked how much it cost.

I said that's not polite.

She offered me cash.

Well, all right.

I guess old troop 6523

Will end up like
those little puppies

That people take
back to the pound.

Can't you just see those
sad little brown eyes

And their little paw
that just comes up

Wanting to shake your hand?

O.k., I'll help.

Oh, thank you!

Carlene, you play
innocent, but you are crafty.

That lassie thing
almost got to me.

So you'll help me, too?

I want nothing to do
with those little girls,

But I'll stop by the
pound on the way home.

I'll be able to free
up some time for you.

Julia, mary jo, y'all
are the best friends

Any scout could have.

Well, all right.

Since you're getting
all sappy over here,

I'll volunteer myself

On a consulting basis as well.

Thank you, allison.

Well, I think to start off with,

We should do something
fun and scouty.

Like a camping trip.

Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

Isn't a camping trip ambitious?

Aren't you afraid
these girls will return

To the wolves who so
obviously raised them?

No, no. You know what?

I think camping is a good
roughing-it kind of thing

To build character.

Mary jo is right.

We can all build some character

Spending time with these girls.

I'm sorry you won't
be going, anthony.

That's all right, carlene.

While you are
breakfasting with tiffanys,

I'll just provide you with
some background music

That is appropriate
for your adventure.

Gross!

I want to leave now.

What a dump!

We said we'd be roughing it.

The boys camp down the way

Looked a little nicer than this.

This is like finding the
seven dwarves' house.

Want to play snow
white and fix it up?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Aren't they cute? I
used to love snow white.

You know, I think it's too late.

I think the brainwashing process

Started long before
we got ahold of them.

What are you talking about?

Oh, carlene, sexism is
even in our fairy tales.

For example, snow white
was a beautiful princess

Who found happiness
cleaning up after

A bunch of sloppy,
unattractive little men.

Excuse me.

The dwarves did
own a diamond mine.

I think that changes
the situation, am I right?

Not yet. I'll let you know when.

O.k. I find this cabin
absolutely unacceptable,

So I'll be talking to
the boys' camp director.

All right.

Everybody, listen up.

I figured we'd start
with a campfire tonight,

And then I figured we'd
tell some ghost stories,

And then I thought
we'd have a sing-along.

I brought my guitar
and everything.

How down home of you, carlene.

And look what I've got...

The boy scout handbook,

Which is chock-full of
really useful information.

Things like, uh... Like this...

"How to make a backpack
out of your trousers."

Why would you want to?

I don't know, allison.

Like, you know,

Maybe if your backpack
fell down a ravine

And... You needed one.

But your trousers
would be in your backpack.

And why would you
need a backpack anyway,

If everything you owned
just fell down a ravine?

I mean, am I right?

Girls, am I right?

Never mind.

O.k., Girls.

I brought lysol and some wipes.

Come on.

We shouldn't let these girls

Spend too much
time with allison.

They might catch
something from her...

Like her personality.

This next knot I'll show you

Is called a bowline

And has a really nice
story to go with it.

Everybody loves
a story, don't they?

See, here's the, uh...

We're going to
pretend this is the tree,

And then the bunny
comes up out of his hole

And runs around the tree,

And then jumps back,

Back in the hole.

Cool, huh?

O.k., Girls.

I think it's manicure
and pedicure time.

All right! All right!

Remember, ceos always
notice well-manicured hands.

O.k. In there.

Excuse me.

I didn't think you cared
anything about makeup.

Well, I don't, but they do.

It's called
communicating, mary jo.

Something you were not doing

With your little bunny story.

I don't mean to be critical,

But that little
knot-tying exhibition

Did not go well.

I just had a most interesting

And enlightening conversation

With the boys' camp director.

What'd you say?

It was ridiculous to
expect us to stay here

In this ramshackle pigsty,

When there are well-equipped
cabins at the boys' camp.

Oh. What did he say?

Maybe you ought to go home.

So I said that we had
every bit as much right

To spend the night in
the woods as the boys did,

But we did require
adequate facilities.

What did he say?

Maybe you ought to go home.

Then he stretched out in his
outdoorsman barcalounger

And went back to
flipping the channels

On his big-screen tv.

Whereupon, I inadvertently
reached down and yanked out

His coaxial cable.

What did he say?

"That was the big game!

What do you expect
me to do now?"

What did you say?

Maybe you ought to go home.

Excellent work, julia.

Unfortunately, I
discovered the following.

The boy scouts and girl scouts

Aren't affiliated in any way.

The girl scouts don't receive
as much financial support

From the general public,

And we all know why...

Because men have more money,

And they donate to boys
who grow up to be men

Who donate to boys,
and so on and so on.

Just like that
shampoo commercial...

"And she told two friends,

"And she told two friends,

"And so on and so on.

And so on."

Train of thought, carlene.

I guess I don't have any
train of thought at all,

Only that this camping trip

Isn't going nearly
as well as I'd hoped.

I guess my leadership abilities

Have not quite kicked in yet.

Allison's their new best friend.

I think she's
offered them money.

I'll tell you,

I won't let her win them over.

Since when did this
turn into a competition?

Since now.

All right!

Anybody who wants to stay here

And learn how to
paint their toenails can.

Anybody who wants
to come with me

And learn how to
build a big old campfire

And sleep out under the stars...

Y'all come with me.

This is really great sleeping
under the stars, isn't it?

Mary jo, we are the
only ones out here.

What are we doing this for?

Well... Because.

We're trying to send
those little girls a message.

Ha ha ha!

When they find

Our cold, stiff, frozen
corpses in the morning,

They'll get a message.

It's going to say we're stupid.

Julia, we can't go in there now

And admit that it's
awful and we can't take it.

We're teaching them they
can do anything boys can.

It looks like this particular
group of little girls

Is more interested
in makeup and curlers

And dancing before mirrors

Wearing dresses that twirl.

Boys and girls
are just different.

I mean, you know...

Boys are going to kick dogs,

And little girls dress
them up in baby-doll clothes.

It's t*rture for
the dog either way,

But clearly a
different experience.

Like that afternoon
when payne was little.

I gave him my old doll pearl.

Suddenly, he flipped
her head back,

Yanked up one leg,

And poor old pearl had
become a porcelain g*n.

Yeah, I know.

Quint could make a
w*apon out of toast.

Mary jo, when did we decide
that there was something wrong

With liking dresses that twirl?

Well, I don't know.

We didn't, did we?

I mean, I personally
still like a twirly dress

Every now and then myself.

It's just, you know, i...

I don't want to twirl
just because I'm a girl,

And that's what
I'm supposed to do.

I want the choice to twirl

And the right not to.

O.k. I think you're
absolutely right, mary jo,

And you know what?

I'm choosing to twirl
my half-frozen body

Back into that cabin.

Are you coming with me?

I don't know what it finally
was that made me figure

That I should leave
dwayne dobber,

But maybe it was
the combined effect

Of oprah and
donahue and geraldo,

But I'll tell you something,
tiffany number two.

The thing that made
me finally pack my bags

Was a little song I
wrote for myself.

It's got a lot of
meaning for me.

I hope it does for you, too.

♪ A man won't do the
dishes if you always say

♪ Oh, just let me

♪ And scrubbin' up a
toilet ain't the way to the

♪ Presidency

♪ Girl, if you want respect

♪ You gotta give it to yourself

Sing with me!

♪ Girl, if you want respect

♪ You gotta give it to yourself

Oh, hi.

Well, look who's back.

It's grizzly adams
and jeremiah johnson.

What were you doing
over here all by yourself?

They, uh...

They froze me out of the troop.

All they wanted to do
was hear boyfriend stories

And talk about sex

And, well, let's face it.

They know more than I do.

Look at them.

They're just little girls.

You know...

It reminds me of my
favorite little girl memory,

Which was the day that
I joined the brownies.

I was so excited
because being a brownie

Meant being somebody nice
who helped people, you know?

That just made me feel
so proud to be a girl

Because... I wanted
to be nice and helpful.

Remember that little poem
they had you memorize?

The little girl who's looking

For the brownie who's helpful

And finds herself?

"Twist me and turn me
and show me the elf.

"I looked in the water...

And saw myself."

And do you see yourself?

I do.

You see, this is where
I think you feminists

Are so screwed up.

Instead of trying
to be as good as men,

You should try to
be as good as women.

You're right, allison.

Excuse me?

I'm... Right?

Well, yeah, in a way, you are.

That is the first time

You have ever said I
was right about anything.

And I was right.

"Be as good as women."

Well...

It sounds almost profound.

Oh, come on, mary jo.

Just say it for me again.

Come on.

"Allison, you were..."

Come on, say it for me.

"Allison, you were right."

Say it for me,
because I was right.

You made one tiny point.

And it's k*lling you, isn't it?

I was right! I was right!

I love it!