04x04 - Once Upon a Ledge

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, what's happenin', juan?

- I got to complain about
this pencil you sold me.

It don't work.

- Ahh, ahh, ohhh.

What seems to be the problem?

- Every time I write
with it, it gets duller.

And then when I sharpen
it, it gets shorter.

What we have here
is a vicious cycle.

Duller, shorter,
duller, shorter.

I don't know what to do.

- You know what
they say around here?

Anytime something keeps
getting duller and shorter,

They make it the principal.

- Hyenas!

You're all hyenas.

- I heard that, mr. Woodman.

You know, I admire a man
who knows his zoology.

- Thank you, de labarre.

- Gee, you guys sure
have a lot of fun.

You know, I've always
wanted to kind of like...

- Hey, arnold, did you
study for that test?

- Oh, I couldn't, juan, there
was this good tv program

On last night. My
mother was on...

- What test?

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names
have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome
back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome
back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome
back welcome back ♪

- Can I help you?

- Uh, I'm here to
see mr. Kotter.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
mr. Kotter's away

At a teachers' conference.

Mr. Woodman's taking
all his appointments.

You have an
appointment, don't you?

- Oh, yes.

Mary johnson.

Julie: mary johnson?
- I was here yesterday.

- Gosh, mary, I don't see
your name down here.

There is a blank space
at this time though.

- That's me.

- Julie, I'm going to lunch.

If I have to do my
job and kotter's,

I must have a decent meal.

Right now, I'll settle
for the cafeteria.

- You have another appointment.

- I don't care. I have
low blood sugar.

If I don't eat on
time, I get grumpy.

Cancel the appointment
and tell whoever it is

To come back later.

- Um, you're looking at her.

This is mary johnson.

- Mary?

Ah, good to see you.

You want to step into my office?

- If it's inconvenient,
I can come back.

- No, no, no, come right in.

Don't suppose you
have a twinkie on you?

- Pull her file for
me, will you, julie?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Have a seat.

Are you a new student here?

I don't think I've
seen you before?

- I'm the kind of person
it's easy not to notice.

It's funny, sometimes,
like, I'll be talking in class,

You know, and...

- Mr. Woodman, there
are three mary johnsons

In the file so I
brought 'em all.

Nobody ever hears me.

- Thanks, julie.
- You're welcome.

I'm just gonna be gone
for 30 minutes or so now.

I'm gonna go down to the
cafeteria and, you know...

- You mean you can
actually eat lunch

Knowing that I'm up here on
the verge of malnutrition?

- Yes.

You see, if I don't eat
on time, I get grumpy.

- And I thought kotter was
the flaky one in the family.

Well, this is quite
an impressive record

You have, mary.

Straight a average,
president of the pep squad.

- No, that's not me.

That's mary johnson,
the cheerleader.

- That's too bad.

Well, talk about impressive,
interscholastic swim chair,

Captain of the
girls' softball team.

- No, that's mary
johnson, the jock.

- Well, of course, here
you are, mary johnson.

Uh, this is really some...

Quite an impressive
dental record you have.

- That's me.

Mary johnson, the
regular brusher.

- What can I do for you?

- I want to be transferred
to the special guidance

Remedial academics group.

- You want to be a sweathog?

-What is this?
Be-kind-to-animals week?

- You see, I've
thought about it a lot

And if I were a sweathog...

- Hey, man, mr. Woodman,
man, somebody got the gym

All decorated
for some pep rally.

Now how I'm supposed to practice

For the game tonight?

- Washington, can't
you see I'm trying

To have a conference with, uh...

- Mary johnson.

- Mary johnson?

Hey, listen, tootsie,
are you the one

That got all the decorations
hanging from the hoops?

- No, that would be mary
johnson the cheerleader.

I'm the mary johnson
with the good teeth.

- Look, washington,
call off the practice

'Til after the rally.

- Call it off?

All right.

But don't blame me
in the game tonight

If my old slam dunk
ain't got no funk.

- That is a typical sweathog.

His idea of nature study is
watching meadowlark lemon.

- Herbert hoover melted.

- Now epstein...

Herbert hoover what?

- Oh, it was horrible,
mr. Woodman, just horrible.

He started with
a little blue drip

Right around his vest, okay?

And then slowly it spread
all over his three-piece suit.

It was turning blue
and orange and green,

All the time bubbling,
bubbling, bubbling.

It wasn't a pretty sight.

- What are you talking about?

- I was showing this
film on herbert hoover

In mr. Wilkes' class and the
projector jammed up on me.

What am I gonna do?

- Well, how do I know? Do I
look like a projectionist?

- No, but you look a little
bit like herbert hoover.

- Go report it to
maintenance and, epstein?

- Yeah?
- Next time, knock.

Now, looking at your record,

I don't see how I can possibly

Put you in with the
sweathogs as, I mean,

That's a remedial class and
you have a strong c average.

- That's my problem.

I'm average.

- Oh, I see you've talked
to your counselor

About this problem before.

You know, I think you'll
find most teenagers

Feel the same way.

- See what I mean?

I can't even have a life
crisis that isn't average.

- Look, I'd like to help you

But if I transfer you
to the sweathogs,

That would be like
sending albert einstein

To the planet of the apes.

And you'd stick out
like a sore thumb.

- That's what I want.

Don't you see?

That's one place I
could be special.

If my grades aren't bad
enough, I'll fail a few tests.

Don't you understand?

I've just got... - Mr. Woodman.

I'm in dire need of a man with
your power and influence.

- De labarre, my boy,
what can I do for you?

- As you know, I haven't
been here very long

And I still don't know
my way around very well.

As a result, I made a
wrong turn in gym class

This morning and found
myself in the girls' locker room.

- That's a natural mistake.

- Well, when I saw
all those girls,

I was so ashamed.

I immediately
started to leave but,

Being new here, I
couldn't find the door.

- Are you sure you're all right?

- Oh, just fine, sir.

Except for the gym teacher,

She's real upset about all this

And I was hoping

Maybe you could explain
my presence to her

And smooth her ruffled feathers.

- Consider it done, my boy.

I'll take care of everything.

You just go on
back to gym class.

- Oh, boy.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I admire a
man who can take charge

Of a potentially
expl*sive situation

And nip it in the bud.

- There goes a fine young man.

- Mr. Woodman, hurry up,
you've got to come with me.

There's a food fight
in the cafeteria.

- Well, that's nothing new.
Get the coach to stop it.

- He started it.

Come on, mr. Woodman, we
need a man of your stature.

- You mean you need a
strong authority figure?

- I mean we need a low target.

- I tell you there's no justice.

I'm up here starving to
death and down there

Half the school is
wearing my lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to leave.

I'll be right back, uh, ruth.

- It's mary.

Mary johnson.

Mary johnson of
the one-page file.

Mary johnson, the nobody.

- ♪ I'm eating my
lunch oh yeah ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch
let me tell you now ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch
'cause it's good for me ♪

♪ I'm eating my lunch ♪

♪ I love my lunch ♪

♪ It's good for me ♪

♪ It's good for you ♪

- Hey, arnold, arnold.

They got this
dynamite food fight

Going down in
the cafeteria, man.

C'mon, let's go check it out.

C'mon.

- No, I don't like the soup
they're throwing today.

- All right, all right,
which one of you guys did it?

- I didn't do it, little juan,

I would never do
a thing like that.

I swear I would never
do a thing like that.

- Didn't do what?

- That's a very good question.

Little juan, what exactly
was it that I did not do?

- Well, I just took my
projector down to maintenance

'Cause somebody stuck some
bubblegum in the sprockets.

- I didn't do it.

- I think you did it, freddie.

- I'm surprised at you, juan.

How could you accuse
me of something like that?

As long as I knew
you, I would never,

Never do nothing like that.

If I did anything like that,

May I be struck
dead right there.

- What was that?

- Well, either it came
from the building

Or they've started
throwing the meatloaf.

- Look, look, I think
it came from up there.

And that girl on the ledge
must have kicked it off, huh?

- Wow, man, what's that
chick doing up there?

- A person could get k*lled

From falling off
a ledge that high.

- Hey, you know something?

I think that's what
she's got in mind.

- C'mon, we'd better
get some help and fast.

- C'mon.

- Whaddya mean there's
a girl on the ledge?

Doesn't she know that
loitering on school property

Is in violation of
the city ordinance?

- I don't think she's
planning on staying there

That long, mr. Woodman.

- My god.

That girl was just in my office.

That's mary johnson.

Now look, mary, I want
you to stay very calm.

Maybe if you'll
just come inside,

We can talk over
whatever's bothering you.

Just stay very calm.

- Get away from that window.

- I told you to stay calm!

Is this some kind of a stunt

To get me to make
you a sweathog?

- What? Do you think I'm crazy?

I don't care about
being a sweathog.

I'm out here because
I want to jump.

You all tried to ignore me.

Well, now, I'll show you.

So get away from that window.

I'm through talking.

Especially to you.

- Hey, she's not kidding.

She's really gonna jump.

- I've called the police.
They're on their way.

They said to keep her
talking until they get here.

- We can't keep her talking.

She won't let us
near the window.

- She won't listen to us.

- Well, somebody's
got to keep her talking.

- Hi, mary, honey.

Listen, I don't know
what your problem is

But we all really want
to help you if we can.

- Get away from me.

I'm sorry.

I thought I could help.

- You can help, julie.

Go see if you can
reach her parents

And get them down here.

- Hi there.

- This is just a big
joke to you, isn't it?

Well, we'll see how hard
you laugh when I jump.

- Okay, just take it easy, baby,

And okay, I'm not
laughing. It's no joke.

It's just that I don't
know what to say to you.

You got me all scared.

- Well, that makes two of us.

- Hey, look.

Look, baby, why don't
you come back inside?

You're not gonna solve nothing

By checking out on us like this.

- Sure.

That's easy for you to say.

Everybody knows "boom boom."

- Yeah, that is true.

So?

- So nobody knows me.

There are three mary
johnsons in this school.

I'm the one that needs
the nickname, not you.

- Okay, all right.

Just come back inside.

I mean, if you got the guts

To come back into this window,

I'll give you one of my booms.

- Get outta here!

- Nice try, boom.

- What are you
gonna do, epstein?

- Don't worry, don't worry.

I saw this on an old
beretta rerun once.

- Hey, kid.

I know where you're coming from.

I've been out on the streets,

I know what it's like
when nobody cares.

But I swear to you, kid, I care.

Look, right now, I'd like to
wrap my arms around you

And hold you so nobody
would ever bother you,

Never. Never.

And you can take
that to the bank.

Look, kid, if you
don't believe me,

I'll jump, huh?

What do you think of that, huh?

Listen to me, sugar
lips, I'll jump first.

I'll jump right in front of you.

What do you say, huh?

- Go ahead.

- Uh, I can't right now.

I got a book report
due sixth period.

- That girl's crazy.

She wanted me to jump.

- Well, I for one was
very moved, little juan.

- Thank you.

- But I think it loses something

Without the cockatoo.

- Hey, I heard that mary
johnson's out on a ledge.

- Yeah.
- I know her.

You gotta let me talk to her.

My dear miss johnson.

If this has anything to do with
our little misunderstanding

Of the other night,
I assure you that...

Hey, this ain't the cheerleader.

- No, it's not the cheerleader.

It's the plain ordinary
mary johnson.

The kind of girl you wouldn't
take the time to notice

Because you're so stuck up,
you're afraid to date a girl

That isn't as pretty as you are.

- Well, you talk big standing
out there on a ledge.

Well, miss, yeah, I dare
you to step inside this room

And say that to my face.

- I'll say it anywhere you like.

Oh, no.

You think you're pretty smart.

Well, I'm staying
right where I am.

- All right.

Don't go away.

- Well, almost worked.

- Yeah, you did the
best you could, man.

- It's all right.
- Don't worry about it.

- It's all right.
- We'll think of something.

- How's it going?
- Where are the police?

Did you tell 'em about
the girl on the ledge?

- Of course.

- If she were double parked,

They'd have been
here 10 minutes ago.

- She doesn't need the police.

She needs a friend.

- No, man, you be
careful out there.

- You're no hero, arnold.

- Just take it easy, right?
Julie: arnold, be careful.

- C'mon, arnold, be careful.

You're all right?

- You're all right, huh?
- I'm okay.

Hello, mary.

I...

I've come in answer to your cry.

- What cry?

- Well, I've read
that when somebody

Tries to take their own life,

It's really a cry for help.

So I'm here to help.

- Oh, arnold.

Why should you care
what happens to me?

- Mary,

Before anyone
can care about you,

You first have to
care about yourself.

And, if you don't
mind my saying so,

Jumping off a
ledge is not the act

Of a person who
is fond of herself.

- You cannot come out
here and talk to me like that.

- It's a free ledge.

- Well, I wish you'd
go back inside.

I got enough problems as it is.

- You know, mary,

It's a funny thing about
problems, you know?

The next morning your problems

Don't seem half as important.

Oh, mary, I would hate to
think what would happen

If there were no next morning.

- Well, I wouldn't
have any problems

If I could just be popular.

- Oh.

Oh, mary, being popular ain't
gonna solve your problems.

You may not believe this but
there are times when even i,

Arnold horshack, do
not feel very popular.

But you don't see
me out on a ledge.

Ordinarily.

- Well, nobody likes me.

In fact, I don't even like me.

- Do you like me?

- Yeah.

Sure.

- Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, coney island?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, oh, the
roller coaster they got,

You know?

- No. I'm afraid of heights.

But I love the bumper cars.

- Oh, sure, the bumper cars.

Then don't jump.

Because if you do you're
gonna lose all the things

You care about.

Not to mention all of
us that care about you.

Oh, come on, mary.

You said you liked me.

If you jump I'll think
you didn't mean it and,

You know, I'm a very
sensitive kind of a guy.

- Oh, I do like you.

And I love coney island.

And I don't want to jump.

I don't want to jump, arnold.

I don't want to jump.

Arnold!

Give me your hand.

- Right now, you can
have my entire body.

- Pull yourself up by your arms.

- No arms.

- Arnold, you can't
stay out there forever.

- Just throw me a coat
in the winter, I'll be okay.

- Arnold.

I want you to follow my feet.

- Follow your feet.

- One hand at a time.

- One hand at a time. Okay.

- You're my friend, arnold.

- You're my friend, arnold.

- I'm your friend, arnold.

- I'm your friend, arnold.

- I'm gonna help you up, arnold.

- Oh, no, you're not, arnold.

- I can't watch.

Mr. Woodman: no, no,
he's doing all right.

You're looking good.

Freddie: grab his
arm, grab his arm.

Julie: get him.

Pull him up, mary,
you can do it. C'mon.

- All right.

- There, get him.

- Come on, mary.

- C'mon, gimme your hand,
gimme your hand, c'mon, c'mon.

C'mon, flex yourself.

- I'm so sorry.

He could have been
k*lled and it's all my fault.

I'm so sorry.

- It's okay, mary.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

- You were all so wonderful.

You saved my life and I
don't know how to thank you.

Especially you, arnold.

- Mary,

I hope you don't take
this the wrong way,

But I don't ever want to
hang out with you again.

- Well, I'll tell
you one thing, julie,

My body won't stand
many more days like this.

- You mean coping with
students on ledges?

- No, I mean missing my lunch.

- Well, I am just glad that

We got arnold
and mary in safely.

- Well, mary anyway.

- You know, mr. Woodman,
despite all her problems,

She's really a very bright girl.

I think with the right
professional help

She's gonna be just fine.

- Well, when she
comes back to school,

I'm gonna make it my business

To see that she's not ignored.

Every student deserves
our full attention.

- Well said, mr. Woodman.

- I'm very eloquent
on an empty stomach.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names
have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome
back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome
back welcome back ♪