04x13 - A Winter's Coat Tale

[bunniefuu]

(Applauding)

All right, you look very
good, but... What you need

Is a snow job.

(Laughing)

There you go.

All right, now what
you need is a top.

We can't let you go
around being topless.

(Laughing)

(Knocking)

Hey.

(Applauding)

♪ We wish you a merry christmas,
we wish you a merry christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry
christmas and a happy new year ♪

♪ And many more ♪♪

Come on in, check out the tree.

Look at this.

Oh wow, vinnie got a
present under there.

Man, it's a present
under... Is that for me?

Oh, that's nice.

Hey, horshack, remind me
to have my chauffeur come

And pick that up in
the morning, all right?

To my very closest friend in
the whole wide, wide world, vinnie.

From vinnie.

There's nothin' wrong with that.

I could buy myself a good gift.

I work hard in the hospital.

I deserve it.

Since you know what
it is, why wait 'till

Christmas to open it?

Open it, come on, we
wanna check it out.

Oh, yeah.

Look at the material, oh.

Oh, vinnie, vinnie, you always
pick such perfect gifts.

Why don't you
try it on, go ahead.

Don't mind if I do.

(Laughing)

Oh, vinnie, oh, vinnie,
it looks just great.

You look as good as a
mannequin in a window.

(Laughing)

Be sure to send
yourself a thank you note.

Bucks?

Must be real camel hair.

No, it's pure virgin camel hair.

(Laughing)

I don't know, vinnie.

I mean, how can you be sure?

I mean, you know how camels lie.

Check this out.

It's got all hand-sewn interior.

And they give you these
little extra buttons

In case you lose one.

And right here, it
says dry clean only.

What's so great
about dry clean only?

Because, dry clean
is they got that rack

Where you push the button
and the coat comes to you.

Vincent, I only hope that that
coat brings you better luck

Than it brought the camel.

Well, look, I'm gonna
take this for a walk.

I gotta break it in.

It's the best gift I
ever bought myself.

Even better than the electric
train that made real smoke?

Oh, you was crazy about that.

(Clapping)

That was last year.

This year, I'm grown up.

(Clapping)

♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names
have all changed

Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained

And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot

'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome
back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot

'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome
back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome
back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome
back welcome back ♪

(Clapping)

Mr. Woodman, I can not
teach the sweathogs.

I'm not a certified teacher.

Julie, it's an emergency.

The regular
substitute called in sick.

But I don't know
how to teach a class.

Forget teaching,
think riot control.

(Laughing)

There's mace in
the bottom drawer.

(Laughing)

If that doesn't work, set
off the overhead sprinklers.

I feel like a one
woman swat team.

(Clapping)

Mr. Woodman, what are
you doin' hangin' out here?

Checkin' for screams.

You're late, barbarino.

I know, doris didn't finish
my homework on time.

But don't worry about
it, I balled her out.

Barbarino, take off that coat.

I'm sure the owner's
lookin' for it.

Hey, wait a second, I bought
this with my hard-earned money.

Look at this, I got a tag
with a name and an address

And everything.

(Laughing)

I don't believe it.

I'm a high school principle.

I can't afford a coat like that.

Yeah, but even if
you could afford it,

Marty's wouldn't
have your right size.

They don't take odd sizes.

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

Vinnie, what's wrong
with your body?

Nothin', I'm doin' a
model in a window like.

Vinnie, shh, the class
is trying to study, okay?

Oh, in that case,
I'll come back later.

Shh!

Vinnie, just sit down in your
seat and be very quiet, okay?

Okay, be quiet.

Be quiet.

Sh.

(Laughing)

What are you doin'?

Sorry.

But I always blow my
eraser crumbs to my right.

Yeah, but if you wasn't so
stupid and make mistakes,

You wouldn't blow eraser
crumbs to your right.

So, sh**t me, I'm only human,
I make mistakes, you know?

Well the first mistake
that you made was thinkin'

That your human.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, switch seats with me.

I wanna sit in the
no crumbs section.

I can't study, I can't study!

Juan, sit down and be quiet.

All right, I'm better now.

(Laughing)

Freddie, switch seats with me.

What for, vinnie?

Because I don't want
you blowin' your eraser

Crumbs on me.

I don't blow crumbs.

Come on, switch with me anyway.

I don't trust ya.

Okay, all right.

(Laughing)

What you do that for?

Oh, I can't help it.

I always brush to the left.

Oh, wait a minute.

What do you do, do you
blow or do you brush?

(Laughing)

Neither.

I flick.

(Screaming)

That's enough!

Stop!

Sit down!

Vinnie, you go
sit by the window.

Yeah, sit by the window!

Yeah, vinnie, why don't
you go sit by the window?

Gladly.

So you guys can erase
yourselves to death.

Mrs. Kotter, it's
gettin' hot in here.

I wanna open the
window a cr*ck, okay?

All right, vinnie, open
it, and then sit down.

Hey, hey!

You're crazy!

Tell him, mrs. Kotter.

Sit down!

Sit down.

Okay, who wants to
read their composition?

Oh, oh, I do, I do,
oh, oh, me, please.

I got the spirit of
christmas right here

In my composition, mrs. Kotter.

Christmas time at the
epstein's is a time for

Sisters and brothers,

For relatives and
eating and drinking

And drinking and eating.

With everybody
thinkin' the same thing,

I gotta get to the
bathroom next.

Hey, epstein, when
did your tenement

Get bathrooms?

Juan, your, your speech
had the christmas feel

Uh, without being
too sentimental.

Well frankly
speaking, it left me cold.

And so does that window.

Shut the window!

It's stayin' open!

It's good for the nap.

It keeps it perky and firm.

Vinnie, would you please
just close the window

And then take your coat off.

(Laughing)

Julie, are you all right?

Do you need the police yet?

Mrs. Kotter, is it my turn now?

It's mine, horshack.

No!

(Laughing)

No two snowflakes are alike.

No two people are the same.

Thank you, arnold,
that was very, very nice.

I've written a
little poem entitled,

Christmas in brooklyn.

All right, all right.

I know why santa flies
from roof to roof to roof

Deliverin' toys and goodies
with never a single goof,

'Cause if he had to
walk the streets like us,

They'd grab his bag
and push him under a bus.

(Laughing)

Excuse me, no two
snowflakes are alike.

No two people...

Hey, mr. Woodman,
mr. Woodman, mr. Woodman,

Check it out, check it out, man.

I got a poem, man.

Everyone's gonna
dig my poem, man.

Check it out.

Santa claus'
reindeers running fast,

With their thumpin' in the snow.

I couldn't understand
a word he said,

But it wasn't ho, ho, ho.

Right on, baby.

(Clapping)

No!

Two snowflakes aren't alike.

No two people are the same.

(Bell ringing)

(Screaming)

Calm down, calm
down, it's just a drill.

If that were a real
fire, you'd smell smoke.

To show you how safe
it is, I'm leavin' first.

Last one has to
listen to horshack.

Fire, fire, fire!

Hey, wait a second,
let me have my coat.

What are you doin'?

(Laughing)

No two snowflakes are alike.

No two people are the same.

Hey, vinnie, vinnie,
what did they say

At the cleaners about your coat?

There ain't no
more coat no more.

Oh, no.

They had to put it to sleep.

Well, now let me tell
ya somethin', vinnie.

I think you should've taken
it to my uncle's cleaners.

Oh yeah, his place can
get anything out of a coat.

Including b*llet holes.

No, you guys don't understand.

It's been ripped off.

Stolen?

Somebody stolen your coat?

Yes, somebody stole it.

Too big guys, they
was like gorillas.

One guy tripped me, the
other guy grabbed the coat.

Big dudes, huh?

Well don't you
worry, big buckaroo.

You still got
your electric train.

Yeah, but the smoke
don't work no more.

(Laughing)

Hey, what's
happening, mrs. Kotter?

Hi, guys.

- Mrs. Kotter.
- What, vinnie?

I gotta take off
class this afternoon.

I gotta find my coat.

You know, I know what
you could do, vinnie.

All you gotta do, all
you gotta do is you gotta

Find some guy with
a filthy overcoat,

Covered up with a whole
bunch of feet prints.

That's not an easy task.

Everyone in new york
has a coat like that.

Well, we better get started.

See you after
christmas, mrs. Kotter.

Wait!

Just take your seats, guys.

- Okay.
- All right.

(Laughing)

Sit down!

Sit down in them.

There's a difference, you know.

Yes, okay, vacation
starts at : .

Vinnie, you could look
for your coat then.

: , I can't wait 'till then!

By that time, the coat
could be in new jersey

In some p*rn shop.

I can see it now hangin'
between a saxophone

And a bowie Kn*fe.

And then some cheap
hood comes in and buys it

'Cause he needs it for
some big bank robbery.

And then, then the police
come, and they arrest him.

They send him up
the river, right?

Five, six years, maybe
even electric chair.

You know what that could
do to the nap of my coat?

(Laughing)

I don't even feel
like spaghetti.

I feel like my coat.

Nah, I shouldn't throw it out,

I should give it to the pigeons.

(Laughing)

Come on, pigeons,
come and get it.

It's christmas eve!

Come on, it's the best offer
you're gonna get tonight.

Ah, stupid pigeons.

They eat all the bread,
and then they got

Nothin' left for
the main course.

(Laughing)

(Knocking)

Just a minute.

- Hey, merry christmas.
- Merry christmas, guys.

Yeah, vinnie, you know, we,
um, we all felt kind of bad

On you losing your
coat, so we thought we'd

Come by and cheer you up.

Hey, we even chipped in
and got you a present.

It's from us to you.

We wanted to see
you smile again, guy.

Yeah, we figured your
coat would want it that way.

(Laughing)

What you go and
mention the coat for?

Go ahead, open it up, vinnie.

Come on, vinnie, open it.

Oh, yeah, let's see
what we got you.

Check it out.

Oh, la la!

Oh, guys, man, this is
what I always wanted!

What is it?

It's an electric
can opener, vinnie.

See, so you put
cans inside there.

You can put in cans
of corns, cans of peas.

And then you go, buzz,
buzz, buzz, suck a tash.

Oh, that is great.

You know, it really makes
me feel good that you guys

Got this 'cause sometimes
I'll come home at night,

And I won't even eat
because I gotta open my cans

With a screwdriver and a hammer.

But with this... You guys
are really great, thanks.

Oh, don't think nothin' of it.

- It's all right, vinnie.
- Merry christmas.

All right, all right, that's
enough with the mushiness.

Now, where's the chow?

Oh, there's some hot
spaghetti on the tree.

Spaghetti on a tree?

Where do you keep the ornaments,

In the refrigerator?

(Laughing)

(Clapping)

Where's the meatballs?

He's gonna color
them for easter.

(Knocking)

(Laughing)

Can't stay long, barbarino.

I have a three places to go.

Really, man, you got
three parties to go to?

I didn't know you
were that popular.

I'm not, they don't
know I'm comin'.

Here, it's not much,
but neither are you.

Vinnie, vinnie, he got
us all the same thing.

What time is yours
set to go off?

Vinnie?

Vinnie?

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

I think he did.

A camel hair ghost.

Oh!

Hey, look, vincey,
mr. Woodman's got a coat

Just like yours... Was.

Yeah, but his is
real camel hair.

Still got the hump with it.

(Laughing)

It's really what I came
by to show you, barbarino.

You looked terrific in
that coat today and so,

Now since you and I
are built so much alike,

I went and got myself one.

Yeah, but the nap, it
ain't as perky as mine was.

Mr. Woodman, vinnie got
his coat stolen today.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Sure it was stolen, barbarino?

Maybe it saw your
apartment and ran away.

(Laughing)

Yeah, I'm sure it was stolen.

By two big gorillas.

They jumped me.

(Knocking)

The muggers, the
muggers are here!

(Panicking)

Relax, relax, relax.

Be careful, vinnie, come on.

We got you
protected, don't worry.

Ready, on the count
of three, you ready?

One, two, three!

(Laughing)

Those are the muggers?

(Laughing)

Those, those are
the two gorillas?

(Laughing)

They don't even scare me.

Yeah, well they
jumped me from behind.

Now, give me this.

I don't want your lousy coat.

Yeah, well what you
take it for anyway?

What do you care, you
gettin' it back, ain't ya?

Yeah, we didn't take nothin'
out of the pockets neither.

Yeah, well there
wasn't nothin' in 'em.

We know.

(Laughing)

Look, guys, I think you
brought that coat back 'cause

You're decent punks.

I bet you believe
in santa claus, too.

Hey, when epstein says
you're decent, you're decent.

- You dig it?
- Yeah, I dig it.

Now, put me down, sheep head.

(Laughing)

Punk's probably from jersey.

We're sorry we stole
your coat, mister.

But things ain't been too
good around our house.

Aww.

Yeah, the old man's out
of work, and he ain't been

Feelin' too good.

And we thought this would
put some life back in him.

Aww.

Is he diseased?

(Laughing)

Anyway, we couldn't give
him something that was stolen.

Nah, he never
taught us that way.

You think you kids are gonna
make me feel sorry for you

Just because you got
some big sob story?

Well, look, I got
my problems too.

I mean sure, I live in a
beautiful, nice apartment.

But that ain't
everything, you know.

I mean, what about this?

I mean, how many
trees you run into

That are decorated
with spaghetti?

(Laughing)

Too salty.

I didn't wanna say anything.

You kids are too much.

Everything is christmas, right?

You think that's gonna
solve all your problems, huh?

Big expensive gifts,
big presents, right?

All I got this year
was a lousy can opener.

You don't think
when I was a little kid

I wanted to get my
father somethin' good?

Here.

Go on, take it, and
get out of here.

Hey, thanks, mister.

Merry christmas!

That settles that so why
don't we open up our presents

Before vinnie gives them away?

(Laughing)

You know, that was the
most touching display

Of the christmas spirit
that I have ever seen.

This will be a christmas
that I'll remember

For a long, long time.

Come on, let's open the gifts.

Let's go see what
little arnold got!

What's for me, what's for me?

Barbarino, you nitwit.

You gave those
little creeps my coat!

(Clapping)

(Laughing)

Now look, mr. Woodman, you
just gotta relax, you know?

Santa ain't gonna
forget about you.

With your luck, he'll
probably make you an elf.

That coat was the
only christmas gift I got.

I was gonna wear it to
the new year's eve party

At the automat.

(Laughing)

- Here you go.
- You got it!

Hey, vinnie.

Of course I got it,
now, come on, put it on.

When I walk you to the
door, I'll take it out with ya.

I got things to do, guys.

What do you mean
you got things to do?

I gotta fill the stocking.

That's the wrong
stocking, vinnie.

Santa don't fill these kind.

No, stupid, I get it
filled across the hall.

Merry christmas.

(Clapping)

♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names
have all changed

Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained

And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot

'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome
back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think

How you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene

You were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something
that made you come back ♪♪