05x15 - How Long Has This Been Going On?

[bunniefuu]

What you eating, suzanne?

This new breakfast bar.

A sample came in
the mail. Pretty good.

I thought you ate that already.

Yeah, but I got some more

From the neighbors' mailboxes.

Suzanne, it's a federal offense

To eat another person's mail.

Oh, hey. Looks like julia
ordered some clothes

From one of those catalogs.

Suzanne, don't
open julia's package.

Why not?

'Cause it's invasion of privacy.

Oh, please. We're sisters.

We know everything
about each other.

Good lord. Look at this.

Gold lame stretch
pants for julia?

That's the trouble when
you order from catalogs.

They send the wrong merchandise.

She probably ordered
a nice blue blazer,

And they sent charo's pajamas.

Charlene, what are you doing?

I'm reading about this
beauty tip hand models use.

This makes the blood
run out of your veins.

Makes your hands look smoother.

Gosh, it works! Try this.

Oh, all right.

Not me. I'm in the
middle of sketching.

This new survey
says beautiful hands

Are the second
most important thing

A man's attracted to.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong, anthony?

Isn't this a holdup?

No. We're trying
charlene's beauty tip.

Of course. How foolish of me.

Mrs. Stanton's
called three times

About her new valences.

I forgot. I got hung
up at the bookstore.

Is julia back yet?

She has to sign those invoices.

She's at the doctor's.

No, I just saw her

Walking into a
store at the mall.

You sure? She told me she
had a doctor's appointment.

Maybe she just had an
errand to run afterwards.

You know, julia's had a lot

Of doctor's appointments lately.

Is she all right?

Oh, julia's big on
preventative medicine.

She's always getting checkups.

Personally, I don't
believe in that kind of thing.

Why go to doctors
when you're not sick?

It's just another excuse
men have cooked up

To get women to
take their clothes off.

Anthony, what did
you get at the mall?

Well, actually...

"a complete guide
to plastic expl*sives"

And "doily making and you."

I don't mean to pry,

But are you thinking
about becoming

A h*m* t*rror1st?

I give up. Why did you get
those particular books?

Truthfully, I've
been trying to meet

This incredibly gorgeous
salesgirl at the bookstore.

I kept trying to
accidentally bump into her,

And every time she looked at me,

I'd grab anything, trying
to look like a customer.

Sounds like you've got it bad.

Yes mary joe, she is so
sophisticated and eloquent.

I keep having these
fantasizes about us going

To the symphonies and
foreign film festivals

Then afterwards sipping snift of
courvoisier while she massages my feet.

Massages your feet, please
you can just get one of those

Ultrasound things to do that.

You know

It's just amazing how some
members of the opposite sex

Have such a powerful effect on
men, I would just love to ask her out.

But every time I try to talk to her I get
nervous I start laughing that hyena laugh

My lips go numb I go into some sort
of speech time wrap. You know like...

Hello my name is anthony

It is just down right pitiful.

Hi.

Sorry I took so long.

Doctor's office was packed.

I just this minute got out.

Steve harrison called.

He said he's coming
by to look at samples

Sometime this week.

Yeah, friday.

You were at the
doctor's the whole time?

Yes.

Unbelievable. I saw
this woman at the mall

Who looked exactly like you.

She even had the same
color coat as you.

You must have a real
live clone in atlanta.

Really? How fascinating.

Wouldn't that be great

If we all actually
did have clones?

We could train them
to run the business.

We could sleep late,
take long lunches.

Why would you need
a clone to do that?

If I had an exact
replica running around,

I'd take that opportunity
just to take off

And be somebody
completely different,

You know, like...

Like a cross between
kim basinger and jackie o.

You know, filthy rich,
adored by millions,

Never have to take
out your own garbage.

Know who I'd be?

I'd be julia sugarbaker
the terminator,

Able to annihilate
jerks in a single bound.

As incredibly flattering
as that sounds,

Surely you can
think of someone else.

Nope. I'd be just like you...

An eleanor roosevelt
of the nineties.

Eleanor roosevelt?

Oh, sure. You've always
reminded me of her.

Well, you're more attractive,

And you don't wear
those orthopedic shoes.

'Course, if you were
going to be someone else,

You'd be a supreme
court judge or something,

You know, 'cause
you're so predictable

And responsible and
trustworthy and loyal.

You make me sound
like a cocker spaniel.

For your information,

I might want to go off
to some south sea island

And lie around
all day in a sarong

Eating oysters,
drinking piña coladas,

While several well-built,
scantily-clad native boys

Fan me with palm fronds.

Julia...

You certainly are
feeling your oats today.

Oh, she's just being cranky.

It's probably
excess water weight.

Besides, julia
doesn't have any oats.

Hey, julia. Look what
you got in the mail.

Suzanne! Did you open a package

Addressed to me?

You didn't really
order those pants?

Of course not.

It's a mail order mistake.

Yeah, that's what we thought.

The idea of you in
an outfit like that...

Ha ha ha!

Well, I don't see it
as all that humorous.

I'm not eleanor
roosevelt, you know.

I have sides you haven't seen.

Well, if you wear those
pants, we'll see them.

What's funny, mary jo?

I was thinking about anthony

Getting nervous and tongue-tied

Over that bookstore girl.

He was so desperate,

He actually asked
suzanne for advice.

I resent that.

What did you tell him?

To get that girl to notice him,

He should go back there,
stand really close to her,

And then completely ignore her.

Surely anthony's got more sense

Than to try
something that idiotic.

Anthony, what happened?

Nothing. I just think

I'll forget about dating
the rest of my life.

Will they let me bring
my vcr to the monastery?

Anthony, you didn't try

What suzanne said, did you?

Yes, mary jo,
unfortunately, I did.

I must have been suffering

From temporary
hormonal insanity.

There I was, trying so hard

To ignore this completely
gorgeous woman

That I backed into
an enormous display

Of the best of jackie collins,

Which knocked over

The webster's
unabridged dictionaries,

Which totally wiped out

The home maintenance section.

It was a nightmare,

Like some literary
chain reaction from hell.

I didn't say to do that.

When I lunged to catch it,

I fell on top of this big woman

Who was browsing

In the religious and
inspirational section.

Evidently, she thought I
was trying to get fresh.

She screamed, sat on me,

Then started to pummel me

With this big copy

Of billy graham's meditations.

What happened to the salesgirl?

Well, after security
finally rescued me,

I saw her standing
by the cash register,

Just laughing her head off.

Look on the bright
side, anthony.

She did notice you.

Sugarbaker's?

Got a delivery for you.

Looks like that italian pottery

We ordered for grace alden.

Sign here.

We'll need to check
all those pieces first.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Sorry. There's no
one here by that name.

It's o.k. Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Wrong number for some giselle.

Second time they've called.

Sorry. I just remembered

An important
errand I've got to run

Before the stores close.

Mary jo, you'll deal
with this, won't you?

Sure. Is everything o.k.?

Sure. It's something I
forgot to take care of.

Oh. Well.

Wonder what that was all about?

I'm sorry.

We'll take care of
this quickly as possible.

Hey, I understand.

She's a busy woman,
working here all day,

Then being at
the club all night.

What club? What are
you talking about?

I thought I saw her working
at the blue note club.

Oh, I get it.

There's this woman
who looks just like her.

I saw her at the mall.

You could have fooled me.

Kind of spooky, isn't it?

Well, bye.

Bye.

First, anthony thinks
he sees her at the mall.

Now this guy saw her
working at the blue note.

This twin thing's
giving me the creeps.

I'm sure it's a coincidence.

But what if it isn't?

Julia has been acting
kind of weird lately.

She just ran out

To run some mysterious errand.

That's not like julia.

I'm getting this
real funny feeling.

What if there is no twin?

What if the person is julia?

Maybe she's developed
a split personality.

Don't you people
watch one life to live?

It does sound like julia's
trying to hide something.

This may be mysterious to you,

But it's plain to me.

Julia's going
through the change,

And her hormones
have made her insane.

I can't sit here.

I got to know what's happening.

Maybe there's a clue in
her appointment book.

Get away from there.

That really is
invasion of privacy.

Right. I shouldn't do this.

That's right. I should.

Leave it to the experts, please.

Don't touch a thing.

Aha!

A matchbook.

She's not only developed
multiple personalities,

One of them smokes.

No, look inside.

Julia doodled the name
giselle inside the matchbook.

Oh, that doodle
doesn't prove anything.

For pete's sake, it's
probably a customer.

She's right. You
can't prove anything

With a few shreds

Of totally unsubstantiated
circumstantial evidence.

That's a very popular term

I used to hear bandied
around in prison.

What you need here
is some hard evidence,

Something that
actually places julia

At the scene in question.

Like what?

I don't know, maybe...

Like this match book here.

It's from the blue note club.

I know what you're thinking...

That we should go
down there and spy.

You got that right.

Well, o.k., I guess,

But let's do it anonymously.

O.k. Who wants to go?

Well, it's anonymous.

I don't know about this.

I cannot believe we're
actually skulking around

Some smoky nightclub
trying to spy on julia.

Oh, no!

What, is it julia?

My dream girl from the
bookstore's at the bar.

Oh she is gorgeous.

There's just something
about asian women.

They're just so...
Refined and delicate.

What are you saying?

White women aren't
refined and delicate?

Come on, she's there
alone. Now's your chance.

I don't know, mary
jo... Oh, it's happening.

My lips are starting to go numb.

My knees... Where are my knees?

Easy, anthony. Pull
yourself together.

She looks real sweet.

Just go over and say hello.

Pay her a compliment.

I'd love to, but I'm
busy having a coronary.

Anthony, come on.
You're a great guy.

Go over there and charm her,

And there'll be no stopping you.

I'll come with you.

It'll be all right.

Just don't do that
hyena laugh thing.

Ha ha ha!

Hi. Hi. My name's mary jo,

And this is my friend
anthony bouvier.

He was just saying
how lovely you are

And that he'd really
like to talk to you.

Isn't that right, anthony?

Uh-huh.

Actually, you saw anthony today

In the bookstore.

No, that wasn't me.

I get that constantly.

There's this real clumsy guy

Who looks exactly like me.

Everybody has a twin somewhere.

Could I join you for a drink?

I think you'll be
fine without me.

Well, how'd he make out?

Good. Boy, is that
girl exquisite.

Just like a porcelain doll.

Hey, bartender, get
this guy a brewski, huh?

And I need some more peanuts.

Move your butt.

[Burp]

I don't see julia anywhere.

She's not here.

Let's not go yet.

Let's order a drink.

I'll have a club soda
with that umbrella thing.

Well, how'd it go?

The woman is a pig.

She's loud, she's vulgar,

She chews peanuts
with her mouth open.

Maybe you should
give her a chance,

Get to know her better.

Mary jo, she just
belched in my face,

Then yelled, "there's more
where that came from."

The show's starting.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

The blue note club
is proud to present

The sensational,
the sizzling giselle.

♪ I could cry salty tears

♪ Where have I been
♪ all these years...

Well, I just can't believe it.

That better not be my wig.

That is my wig!

Oh.

Shh.

You were right. Julia is sick.

I've heard about this stuff.

Sometimes when people
get older, their minds go.

It's called old timer's disease.

♪ Listen, sweet ♪ I repeat

♪ How long has
this been goin' on

♪ Dear, when in
your arms I creep

♪ That divine rendezvous

♪ Don't wake me if I'm asleep

♪ Let me dream ♪ that it's true

♪ Kiss me twice ♪ then once more

♪ That makes thrice
♪ let's make it four

♪ What a break ♪
for heaven's sake

♪ How long has
this been goin' on

♪ Tell me, baby

♪ How long has
this been go-o-oin'

♪ On

Giselle, you were great.

Can I buy you a drink?

No, thank you, sam.

Get home to your wife.

Harvey, thanks for
those gorgeous flowers.

How'd you know yellow
jonquils were my favorite?

Terrific number, giselle.

Can I book you
for an extra night?

A private party wants
something special.

Anything for you, max.

You know me... I'm
just a party girl.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

How'd you like the show?

Isn't she something else?

Just like nothing
I've ever seen before.

That's the truth.

Actually, we've been fans
of giselle's for years now.

Yes, I'd say tonight

Was one of the best performances

That I've ever seen.

Isn't that right, charlene?

Boy, does she look
like julia, or what?

Oh, please, let's just go home.

It's really late.

There's no telling
when julia will be in.

No way. We want to be
here when giselle blows in.

Hello.

What y'all doing here?

Waiting for you, giselle.

How'd you find out?

The delivery man
told us he saw you.

Well...

I'm sure you all think I'm
just completely insane

Taking an assumed name,

Singing in that club.

No, no, we didn't
think that at all.

Well, I did.

I'd like to explain,
but it's difficult.

I guess I just...
Needed a vacation.

What do you mean?

Don't you get tired sometimes

Of just being yourself?

No.

Oh, suzanne.

Well, I do.

Sometimes I get tired

Of just always being me...

The sensible one,
the responsible one,

Eleanor roosevelt
without orthopedic shoes.

Now, julia, I said you
were attractive, too.

Well, so, I tried
on a new identity,

Just for a little while.

Anyway, my brief sojourn

Down at the blue note club

Sort of reconnected me

To the impetuous,
free-spirited side of myself.

I must admit,

I kind of like
kicking up my heels,

Wearing saucy little dresses,

Flirting with strangers,

And just generally being
outrageous for a change.

You've never talked this way.

Why didn't you tell us?

I knew perfectly well

That this would not fit in

With your expectations of me.

So all those doctor's
appointments...

Mm-hmm. Costumes, rehearsals.

What about those
gold lame pants?

I was just curious.

I guess we do have
these expectations of you

That you'll be some
kind of paragon

Of strength and rectitude,

But who says a paragon
of strength and rectitude

Can't have fun?

I think that what you've done

Is really gutsy,

Something that a lot of
people fantasize about

But very few
follow through with.

I have to say

This does fit in with
my expectations of you.

Oh, boy.

You all are sweet.

I think we'd all like to
hear that song again.

Anthony, I do not have
piano accompaniment.

You can do without music.

You know... Acapulco.

[Imitates cymbal]

♪ Kiss me twice ♪ then once more

♪ That makes thrice
♪ let's call it four

♪ What a break ♪
for heaven's sake

♪ How long has this been goin'

♪ On ahh.