06x21 - L.A. Story

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Good morning.

Did a fax come in for me?

No. Allison, did you
get the estimate

For the tefertiller's
dining room last night?

No, julia, I did not.

I was in conference calls
all night about my film.

Oh, now come on, allison.

This is not your movie, is it?

That's film. Mary
jo, it's a film.

Oh, well, excuse me,

But isn't this just a
little student film

In which you have
a small investment?

For your information, my
investment is hardly small.

This is not a student film,

And last night when I rehearsed
my oscar acceptance speech,

I didn't thank you.

You've already given
them your money, allison.

Why talk to them on the phone?

Oh, well, we were talking
about points, above the line,

Below the line,
the bottom line...

You know, line talk.

Well, the bottom line here is,

We needed that
estimate yesterday.

Chill, julia.

Chill.

It's a hollywood term.

Mmm... Well, it's a stupid term.

I'm telling you, allison,
you better watch out.

Hollywood is a
cesspool of low morals

And plastic body parts.

I'm telling you,

I picked up that
book of julia phillips...

you'll never eat
lunch in this town again.

It was nasty.

I had to take two showers

After the first chapter.

Yeah. I watch
entertainment tonight

I just don't think
those hollywood people

Are very sincere.

Oh, well, I have no
problem with insincerity.

I'm sorry that you all think

It's such a cesspool,

Because I've been
called out to the coast

And now none of you
will want to come with me.

Called out to the coast?

That's why I was busy all night.

I've been called to the set.

I've never heard of a movie

Where the investors
were called to the set.

Usually, your
money will suffice.

It just shows how little
you know about film.

Investors are called
to the set all the time,

Especially on these
big-budget art films.

The cast and crew
really appreciate it

When sophisticated investors

Who grasp the creative
process show up.

It builds morale.

Anyway, the producers wanted
to reward me for my faith in them

By letting me bring
friends at their expense

To hollywood.

And since I don't have
any friends down here,

I'm inviting you.

Are you serious?

Well, of course, I'm serious.

Allison, this fax
just came for you.

It looks like some
sort of itinerary.

Are you going to hollywood?

We're all going to hollywood.

[Carlene] she is serious.

Of course I'm serious.

And so you know the kind
of players we're dealing with,

This was actually faxed
from the producer's car.

Oh, well, that is very
impressive, I guess,

Unless you're
driving with the guy.

It's only for the weekend.

It'll give you a chance to
meet my friend alan ebert

And his wife ellen.

Alan and ellen ebert?

He's my college
roommate's brother.

He happens to be a
prominent producer.

Hmm... Never heard of him.

Well, of course you've
never heard of him.

You probably never heard of franco
zeffirelli akira kurosawa, either.

Yes, allison, I
have heard of them.

And for your information,

They are directors,
not producers.

So why don't you just put
that in your car and fax it?

Well, for your information,

Alan ebert produced
dogs in the sand,

Which was a cowboy film noir.

And, of course,
dogs in the sand ii.

Well, I don't believe
I've ever heard of that,

Have you, julia?

Yeah, carlene,

It's a family classic
we've treasured

For years.

Well, allison, what's
your movie script about?

Film. Carlene,
it's a film script.

Oh.

It's about youth,
alienation, forgiveness.

It's a coming-of-age
fish-out-of-water buddy movie.

Are there any shower scenes?

Two.

Count me in.

Will we get to meet stars?

Well, brad conner is the lead.

Brad conner? Oh!

Brad conner plays angus,

The illegitimate son of
that scottish industrialist

On the show the
young and the beautiful.

Julia, you know who he is!

No, I don't, carlene.

Well, he's got the
best butt in hollywood.

Well, thank you, carlene.

Now I'll know
him when I see him.

Well, allison, I'm afraid
you'll have to count me out.

I've been working so hard.

I need to spend a
weekend at home,

So that quint can ignore me.

You know, he's at that age.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Gee, there are a lot of other
people I could have asked.

Well, my yard man
expressed an interest.

I'd like to volunteer
to give up my ticket

So your yard man can go.

Now come on, julia.

How many all expense-paid trips
to hollywood do you get in one...

It's all expense-paid. Right?

Of course.

I'll see my uncle ralph,
aunt eunice, cousin jolene.

I haven't seen them in years!

Are you ready for the best part?

We will be staying at
the director's house.

And guess who the director is?

Charles nelson reilly.

Whoa! From match game ' ?

He's done other things, carlene.

It doesn't all begin and
end with the match game.

I've seen him on
hollywood squares.

You know, charles nelson reilly

Is a prestigious director.

He's done theater
and television.

He directed the belle
of amherst on broadway,

And he's done grand opera.

Why would charles nelson reilly

Have us stay in his house?

I'm a prime investor.
I'm paying his salary.

Please. He's sucking up.

I bet he's got a big
old movie star house.

Of course he does!

Did you think it would
be a cabana in tarzana?

I'm sure he's got a
pool and tennis courts

And a huge staff
of illegal aliens.

I say... [Imitating
beverly hillbillies theme]

♪ Let's load up the
truck and move to beverly

♪ Hills, that is
♪ hills, that is

Swimming pools...

Movie stars! Movie
stars! Movie stars!

Oh, I never thought a movie
set would be this luxurious.

Hi!

Hi.

Um...

Do the movie stars drink from
that coffee pot right there?

Oh, yeah. You better believe it.

Take my picture, take my
picture, take my picture.

Thank you, mary jo.

Carlene, do you realize

You just had your picture
taken with a coffee machine?

Oh, no, not a coffee machine,

the coffee machine of
allison's film virtue triumphs.

Do you think we'll
run into brad conner?

I don't know, carlene.

Brad conner?

That guy's got some bad manners.

He bit a doughnut and
put it back on the platter.

Can you believe it?

Which one? This one right here.

This one?

Can I have it? Sure.

Can I have some napkins?

I'll have to wrap it up

So it doesn't get
mixed up in my purse

With those dirt clods we stole

From the front yard
of the psycho house.

Oh, I cannot believe
it! This is so exciting.

I am holding brad
conner's doughnut.

Now, aren't you
glad you came, julia?

I haven't made up my mind yet,

But I think you and mary
jo are getting carried away.

Well, excuse me.

You're the one who
spotted cher's parking space.

That's correct,

And I was willing to lie down
in it and have my picture made,

But it wasn't my idea to
scrape paint chips off her name.

She won't know
where to park anymore.

Doesn't say "cher" anymore.

Just says "her."

I just spoke to victor,

The eberts' personal assistant,

And they're in a
production meeting.

They'll squeeze
in a minute for us

Before their massage.

It's the big time. They're busy.

Too busy to get us the
airport like they promised.

So we took a cab.

What was so bad about that?

Nothing, nothing, it's
just that you did say

That we were going to
get to ride in a limousine.

I know, carlene.

I cannot believe that in
this city of million cars,

There is only one taxicab.

And I really cannot believe

That the driver would
only allow four of us

In his cab?

Oh, I know.

I sure hated to see
anthony get on that bus.

Carlene, don't worry about him.

His people fought long and hard

For the right to ride
on public transportation.

I didn't mean to be insensitive.

I wouldn't worry
about it, carlene,

Since allison is the winner

Of the david duke
sensitivity award.

O.k., Allison, we've just
flown / hours to get here.

We've been crammed into a
taxicab another hour and a half.

We've been deposited
on a movie set

And left to pick over

The half-eaten doughnuts
of minor celebrities.

I would appreciate it

If we could get to
wherever it is we're going

And get situated.

I'm exhausted.

Gee, julia, for
somebody who's enjoying

A first-class expense-paid
hollywood weekend,

You certainly do complain a lot.

I will stop complaining

When it becomes first-class.

Allison?

Victor!

The eberts apologize
about the mixup over the car.

They're sending you a
forget-me-not friendship bouquet

And a basket of tiny muffins.

About the house,

Charles is in a huge rush.

We haven't gotten the key.

Go to the french
doors by the pool,

Jiggle them, and push hard.

Good luck. Help
yourself to the pastry.

Now, that's first-class.

[Carlene] so this is charles
nelson reilly's house, huh?

Ooh! Wow.

Oh, look! Hey, there's a trophy!

Look.

Oh, listen to this...

"To charles nelson reilly

For outstanding achievement
on celebrity bowling."

Don't touch things, carlene.

We ought to put
our bathing suits on

And get out to that jacuzzi.

I didn't bring my bathing suit.

You came all the way to
california without a bathing suit?

If anybody's willing to
drive me to the airport,

I'll fly back home and get it.

No, that's too much trouble.

Just wear your underwear.

Don't touch things, carlene.

I know, I'm sorry. I
can't help myself.

It's just that when
I'm around splendor,

I just have to touch it.

Oh, it's : atlanta time.

I'm so exhausted, and
I want to go to bed.

I expect I'll be in
production meetings

With the eberts all morning,

But you all can
take in the sights

And maybe do one of
those studio tours.

[Doorbell rings]

[Carlene] I'll get it.

I hope that's anthony.

Oh, hi!

This is the right place. Thanks!

Yeah, I'm going to
pray for you, too! Bye!

Hey, everybody, how y'all doing?

Well, anthony!
You finally made it.

Thank you, allison. I really
appreciate your concern.

I really appreciated
it at the airport

When you put both of your
feet in the small of my back,

Shoved me out of
the car, and yelled,

"Driver! Step on it!"

Have you been on
that bus all this time?

No, I went to uncle ralph
and aunt eunice's house.

You neglected to give me
charles nelson reilly's address,

So we drove around for hours,

Buying maps of the stars' homes.

We had to buy six maps

Before we found one with
charles nelson reilly's house on it.

My uncle and aunt are patient.

They're my praying relatives.

What does that mean?

Well, they means that
everything they do

Takes about times
longer than it ought to.

For instance, before
they get on the freeway,

They pull over and say,

"Dear lord, please protect us

While we're driving
on this freeway."

After they get off the freeway,

They pull over and say,

"Dear lord, thank you for
protecting us on the freeway.

Please, just stay with us
while we're on surface streets."

sh**t, this is a nice place.

Aah!

Mr. Reilly!

Or should I say,
"mr. Nelson reilly"?

I'm allison sugarbaker.

Well, it is such a pleasure
to finally meet you.

Now come and meet my
cousin julia sugarbaker.

Mr. Reilly.

That's carlene dobber,

Mary jo shively,

And this is anthony bouvier.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you very much.

I'll bet you're so tired.

I know production
meetings can be tedious.

Yes. V-v-very tedious.

Now, you... You are allison?

Yes.

You are quite lovely.

But who are you? And
who are these people?

You have seconds
to get out of my house,

Or I'm calling the police!

How did you get in
here in the first place?

We were told to
jiggle the french doors.

We explained everything
to your yard man.

I explained in spanish.

Oh, that's sweet.
He's sri lankan.

Julia, aren't you glad
you weren't out there

In your underwear
in the jacuzzi?

Carlene...

You know, I would just
like to interject at this point

That if there were any
breaking and entering done,

I certainly was
not a party to it,

And I was not with these ladies

When the alleged
incident took place.

I can produce, if necessary,

Several very holy witnesses

To substantiate this.

Listen, chuck... May
I call you chuck?

No.

Charles, then.

Listen, charles, I realize

That you've never heard of us,

Don't know who we are,

And haven't a clue
as to why we're here,

But the bright side is,

We're only staying
for the weekend,

And this is all just a
little misunderstanding.

As soon as I speak
to alan ebert,

I'll get everything
straightened out.

Alan ebert? Now, you're
a friend of alan ebert?

That makes it all so simple.

You people are
going straight to jail!

Aren't you directing his movie?

I am.

I'm an investor in that movie.

So am i, allison.

That's why I'm
directing the movie...

To recoup my investment.

What are you saying, mr. Reilly?

Allison, how much
did you invest?

Uh...

$ , .

$ , ?

Allison, you must
get your money back.

It's too late.

That's been eaten
up in preproduction.

What's preproduction?

Preproduction's
a nice oriental rug

For their home in the hills,

A modern new kitchen...

Allison, I'm sorry, but
you've been fleeced.

If they were fleecing her,

Why would they send her
and her friends plane tickets

To come out here?

They want you, her
friends, to be investors, too.

Look, she is a big sucker.

She's in for $ , .

It's obvious that you people

Are innocent small-town dupes.

Well, I beg your pardon.

That's in the best sense of
the word, ms. Sugarbaker.

May I call you julia?

Yes.

When are you scheduled to leave?

Monday morning.

Stay for the weekend.

But there are some house rules.

I'm a very light sleeper.

No noise after p.m.

Girls, swim whenever you want,

But please... Ha ha...
Wear bathing caps.

And no underwear!

In the whirlpool.

All right?

Well, mr. Reilly...

This "small-town dupe"

Certainly appreciates
your generosity.

I hate to break up
this little love fest,

But I'm going to march
down there in the morning

And demand my money back.

And if I don't succeed,
I'll report them to...

To some professional
moviemakers' organization.

Mr. Reilly, I just
have to tell you,

I watched the h
ollywood squares,

And I thought your answers

Were so witty and incisive.

You blew charlie weaver

Right out of the water!

Did everybody get their lines?

We haven't heard a thing yet.

That assistant guy keeps
whizzing back and forth

And saying he'll be with us.

Allison, I don't understand.

You spoke to alan ebert.

You told him you
wanted your money back.

Next thing we know,
we're in this movie?

He's not giving your
money back, is he?

I got something better.

We worked out a back-end
deal on the video rights,

I'm getting a producing credit,

And we've all got
speaking parts.

We haven't seen a script.

We don't even know our lines.

Oh, I know.

Apparently, the writers
have been holed up in a room

Working furiously all night.

By the way, have
you seen the writers?

They look like they were
let out on a weekend pass.

I don't think it's
evian they're drinking

Out of those little bottles.

Which one of you b*tches
gonna be my old lady?

No, that's my line, julia.

Have you seen a script?

They gave me these pages
and put me in this getup.

Ooh! You look pretty sexy.

All right! How about y'all?

No, we haven't seen
anything, either.

They put me in this
and said sit here.

The guy told me when he says...

I'm supposed to scream.

I don't know why, I'm
just supposed to scream.

Well, maybe because
of my next line...

"Hey, baby, daddy's
got a joystick."

[Slaps thigh]

Has anyone spoken
to you people yet?

No, charles. We've
been discussing...

Just don't hold up
production, julia.

This is really quite simple.

It's your basic pillage
and plunder scene.

See, I want reality,
I want honesty,

And I want cleavage.

Cleavage?

Will we see brad conner today?

No.

The motorcycle g*ng
b*at him up with chains

In yesterday's scene... -B.

But I think he lives,

Although I haven't
seen today's rewrite.

You know, I don't remember this

From the original script.

As I recall, this was a
sensitive, coming-of-age film

Set amongst the amish.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

But I don't think the
amish ride motorcycles.

I don't think they
even use zippers.

I can't see them on a harley.

Well, welcome to the rewrite.

We made a few adjustments

To meet the demands
of our foreign market.

What's so popular now in turkey

Is the sexy biker movie.

You mean sexy biker film.

Save it, carlene.

O.k.

Doesn't matter. I've got to run.

I'm seeing porpoises
at : . Hi, tom.

It's matt. Here are the scripts.

[Carlene] oh, good!

Oh, by the way,

Julia, you're playing
the town librarian,

So put on the thong bikini.

Also, I need one of you ladies

To get all greased up

And straddle the back
of that hog over there.

O.k., That's it. I've had
enough of this nonsense.

Julia, listen.

Film is a very
collaborative effort.

I worked hard to get
you speaking parts,

And I think that alan ebert

Has been enormously flexible.

Allison, have you
no grasp of reality?

You have been flimflammed,

Bamboozled,

And just plain ripped off.

I think you should put this
thong bikini to some practical use

And lash your friend
alan ebert to that hog,

Because he's making
a big fool of you.

Well, you're right.

I'm a failure.

Nothing I have ever tried to do

Has worked out.

I just thought
that it would be fun

For all of you to be in a movie

And that it would make
being suckered out of $ ,

A little less painful for me.

I'm sorry.

It's o.k.

You can all go home now.

I'll straddle the hog.

Oh, allison, allison, allison...

Listen, come here, come here.

I don't want you to
feel a bit bad about this.

It's the most fun I've
ever had in my whole life!

I'll be honored to
wear the thong bikini.

But what I really
want to do is direct.

Carlene, really?

I really... I brought
some pleasure

Into your miserable
little existence?

Oh, hey, I'm having fun, too.

Watching you lose $ ,

Is just about the best
entertainment I've had.

Well, gee, thanks, mary jo.

I'll just lie down here
and you can all trample me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was kidding.

I really am having a good time.

Though I don't get
to straddle anything.

I just get to sit and scream.

Hey, allison, I'm having
a great time, too.

I cannot believe this.

Have you all lost your minds?

Have you been taken in
by this hollywood hype?

Have you no dignity?

Have you no pride?

[Victor] places.

Hold that thought,
julia. This is our scene.

Which one of you b*tches
is gonna be my old lady?

Which one of you b*tches
is gonna be my old lady?