07x01 - Of Human Bondage

[bunniefuu]

I can tell by your
look, carlene.

You have pms, don't you?

Yes, and I'm proud
of it. How about you?

You better believe it.

Maybe we should jog around
the block on our lunch hour,

Work off this hostility.

I'd have to jog to the
arctic circle and back.

I'm just back from the vet's.




Brownie had complications
from getting neutered,

And dr. Rex informs me

That even though
brownie is ted's dog,

Ted is no longer
responsible for any bills

Connected to brownie
having his hoo-has cut off

Because ted says that this
was unnecessary surgery,

That it was, in fact,
an elective procedure.

Like brownie came
to me and said,

"Hey, stop me
before I mate again."

Here you don't
even ask for alimony,

And he doesn't have the
decency to pay for his dog's kids.

Then things got worse.

After the vet's, I stopped
by hardy's for coffee.

Brownie was in
the station wagon.




This couple in a white
porsche pulls up next to him.

The girl's like this real
young model type, you know?

Long blonde hair and legs

That would wrap around
about five telephone poles.

The kind that's always smiling

And tossing her back,

And you just want
to slap her face off.

Anyway, they come
inside, you know, to eat

And they're all over each other.

He's sucking her fingers,
and she's eating his straw.

I've seen better table
manners on wild kingdom.

I thought the manager

Would have to get
the fire extinguisher

And hose down the whole table.

That's so tacky. Why
do people do that?

Like the rest of us

Are poor, dull
slobs with no sex life.

I'm not proud. I
don't have a sex life.

But then neither does brownie.

Then all of a sudden I think

This guy looks really familiar.

Then it dawns on me.

It's that dr. Hacker
that julia was dating.

You're kidding me. Are you sure?

Yes. I only saw him
once at the hospital,

But it was definitely him.

Oh, that is so low.

How could he do that
with a girl half julia's age

And on her birthday?
Today of all days.

Who is doing what
on my birthday?

Nothing. I was just saying

I ran into your
dr. Hacker this morning.

Was he with some magnificent
towheaded creature

Taller than susan anton

With teeth like carly simon

And a body like
christie brinkley

In that 1985 sports
illustrated swimsuit edition?

Yeah. How did you know?

He described her to me.

Gee, I'm so sorry.

Now, don't be silly.

It's not like I was
in love with him.

We have a much bigger problem.

Mrs. Buttrick has
just informed me

That the bank board has
turned down our loan.

Oh, you're kidding.

It's my fault. I insulted
her fashion sense.

She's been rude to me

Since that first time
I had the audacity

To ask her if she
was single-handedly

Bringing back the dickey?

Well, how could
they turn us down

When we repaid our
last loan on time?

There is something about me

And the mrs.
Buttricks of the world

That don't mix.

I had a mrs. Buttrick
in my sorority.

She had me black-balled

For not wearing a girdle.

Boy, that's incredible.

And you think that
this is the same woman?

Julia, it sounds to me
like she is stalking you.

I'll tell you, I could
just ring allison's neck,

Pulling out her
money the way she did.

I know she's your cousin, julia.

Still, she could've
given us notice.

Oh, I don't know.

Those victoria secret
franchises are hard to get.

I'll tell you.

When I think of how
hard we have worked

To build up this business

And repay that last bank loan...

It's just more than I can take!

Life is just about to
warp my personality.

I am this far away from
adopting as my personal response

To everything and everybody...

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Eat my shorts!

[Telephone rings]

You have pms, don't you?

Sugarbakers.

What?

Well, actually we're just
thinking of going out of business.

Tonight?

Well, where do you live?

Well, yes, I do know that house.

What budget did
you have in mind?

I think we could work with that.

Sevenish? We'll be
there. Thank you.

Well, I certainly hope
that was not a joke.

What did they say?

She said the sky's the limit.

You must be the sugarbakers.

I'm bonnie jean poteet.

How do you do?

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I hope you don't mind.

We just decided we'd
bring everybody along

Since it is after hours,

And they're taking me
for a birthday drink later.

You don't have to go out.

You can have a drink right here.

Stedman, why don't
you make up a batch

Of those manilla killas?

We'll have a little
something to wet our whistles

While we work.

Those drinks are
entirely too much trouble.

I'm not really celebrating
my birthday this year.

That's o.k. You don't
have to celebrate it.

We'll do it for you.

Excuse me.

This is ridiculous.

I guess I'm just a little
bit emotional today.

Oh, well, to hell
with your birthday,

If it makes you sad.

We'll celebrate eula
mae crawford's birthday.

According to willard
scott this morning,

She's 111,

And, uh... She still has
no need for glasses.

She just drinks it
straight out of the bottle.

So, uh...

Mrs. Poteet, is it?

Yes. I always put
a lot of emphasis

On that long "e."

And your husband is...

James poteet.

Boy, that name sounds familiar.

Seems like I must know him.

Could you tell us a
little something about him?

Well, for starters, he's dead.

Does that ring a bell?

I'm just kidding you.

He had a very large
contracting firm in houston,

Relocated to atlanta.

Let me give you the readers
digest condensed version.

I was a court reporter

And my darling
james was a litigant

In one of the law
suits in my court room.

He was extremely rich.

I was extremely
poor, but a lot of fun.

Of course, my family hated him.

They always felt he married me

For my sense of humor.

But I did not marry
james for his money.

No. I really loved him.

I guess I didn't know how much

Until he d*ed at our
wedding reception.

He... He d*ed at the reception?

That's right.

He was at the end
of the conga line.

They were really
whipping him around.

To the tune of proud mary,

Which isn't even
a very fast song,

But james had a heart condition.

Anyway, that was
three months ago.

And since then...

Uh... You can go now.

Since then, I've become the
she-devil of second wives

For james' family and friends.

They never liked me anyway.

They always thought I
had too much air in my hair.

And evidently,

I got three corporate jets

Sitting out on the runway,

And I don't know where
to get 'em gassed up.

Do any of y'all?

Gee, I never thought about it.

Maybe texaco.

Say, these are really delicious.

Only one for you.

You know how liquor affects you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat my shorts.

Excuse me, ms. Poteet,

But if you're going to show
us the rest of the house,

I'll get my measuring stick.

Oh, well, that sounds exciting.

Good. Now that
it's just us girls,

I can show you the bondage room.

As in sexual?

You... You have a bondage room?

I don't really think
of it as mine... Yet.

James was in such a hurry

That he bought this house

And all the furnishings

From some of his
friends, sight unseen.

Wow. That is trusting.

I've never heard
of having friends

You've never seen before.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, the idea was

We'd live here with
their furniture

Until we figured out how
we wanted to decorate.

But this room has
just got me stymied.

Bet I know who you bought from.

Was it the rosco baileys?

That's right.

Who are they?

Those repulsive
friends of suzanne's.

They used to ride around
in their rolls royce

Dressed up like the police.

Boy, I tell you, people
are always saying

The rich are just
like everybody else,

But don't you believe it.

You know, it's
been my experience

That most of them have
their heads up their butts.

Oh, and if I'm not mistaken,

There's a machine around here

That'll do that for
you free of charge.

What in the world is this?

Well, according to stedman,

This is a bondage wheel.

You strap yourself in it,

Then your partner
spins you around,

Tortures you, spits
on you, anything goofy.

This is just incredible.

I mean...

How is it that people get
themselves to this point?

I mean, you know, I
personally think that life is

Very hard just as it is.

What with the ted
shivelys and mrs. Buttricks

And dr. Hackers b*ating
you down all day long,

Who would need to come home

At the end of one
of those long days

And say, "oh, yes, now
let me strap myself

"To a big ol' 6-foot
revolving board

"And spin around
for a couple hours

Buck naked and spread-eagle?"

I'm sorry, but at the
end of one of those days

When I see my fluffy
slippers beside my bed,

Architectural digest,

And the tv tuned to
northern exposure,

I just think, "yes, thank you.

This will be more than enough."

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's forget about
decorating the house tonight.

We can start next week.

Y'all are obviously
having a tough time,

And I'm having a tough time.

And for all we know,

This may be eula mae
crawford's last birthday,

So let's have a party!

All right!

♪ Louie, louie

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Said a we got to go now

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Louie, louie

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Said a we got to go now

♪ Watch it, now, watch
it, now, watch it now

Hey!

How do y'all like our dancing?

Dial 1-800-eat my shorts.

Personally, I think
we should call wilma

Read-my-lips-
no-new-loans buttrick

And tell her that
we are partying

With somebody who's
richer than herbie!

How much did you say
james is worth, b.j.?

Oh, a couple hundred million.

She ought to put that
in her dickey and smoke it.

Mr. Stedman, I want you to
stop giving these women refills.

That little one pinched me...

In front.

Julia, come here. You've
got to sing with us.

They've got great tunes here.

Look at this.

The wanderer.

We're not going
to sing that one.

That's a sexist
song. Listen to this.

"I'm the type of guy who
will never settle down.

"Where pretty girls
are, you know I'm around.

How come guys get
to sing songs like that

And we have to sing
stuff like johnny angel?

Because it's a sexist world.

But what goes
around comes around.

Right, julia?

Right!

Right! And don't you worry!

That dr. Hot pants is going to
come back b*ating on your door

Begging for forgiveness.

You mark my words on this.

I'm never wrong
about these things.

I've certainly not been
wrong about myself.

I said my prince
would never come,

And so far...

He hasn't!

As cute as you are, mary jo,

I don't believe it.

Yes. Well, I'm not proud.

I haven't had a
date since, uh...

1956.

It's true. She doesn't date.

Neither does her doc.

You remember that
newsweek article

That said that after 35,
you have a better chance

Of being k*lled by
t*rrorists than finding a man.

Well, I haven't found a man,

But, hell, I haven't
been sh*t at, either.

Ohh... Where is my t*rror1st?

Come on, baby, lay it on me.

I'm ready to go out
in a blaze of glory.

O.k. That's it.

No more manila K*llers.
You've had enough, mary jo.

That's right. I have had enough.

That's why I'm ready to
say to the world tonight

Yeah, yeah, yeah, world,

Eat my shorts.

Whee-hoo!

♪ Well, I'm the kind of gal

♪ Who will never settle down

♪ Wherever the
good-lookin' guys are

♪ You know, I'll be around

♪ I'll kiss 'em,
and I'll love 'em

♪ 'Cause for me
they're all the same

♪ I'll hug 'em,
and I'll squeeze 'em

♪ They don't even know my name

♪ They call me the wanderer

♪ They call me the wanderer

Hey, carlene, take my picture.

♪ I wander around,
around, around, and around

♪ And around

Debra winger, eat my shorts!

You kind of get the feeling

These girls really need
to blow off some steam.

They don't get out much.

♪ Oh, harry is the one
that I'll be with tonight

♪ And when he asks me

♪ Which one I love the best

♪ I'm gonna tear open my shirt

♪ Showing dr. Hacker on my chest

♪ 'Cause I'm the wanderer

♪ A wander, wanderer

♪ I wander around
and around and around

B.j., Why is it you're
not drinking this stuff?

Can't. I'm a
recovering alcoholic.

I used to act like
them every day.

Hey, anthony.

Let's try out this
bondage wheel.

Go get up on it.

I don't think so, mary jo.

Black people aren't
too fond of bondage.

We think that it's redundant.

You know, I'm kind
of curious myself.

Actually, I've
never turned it on.

Come on, anthony.
One spin. One spin.

Carlene, why don't
you try it yourself?

Because the women's
cuffs are broken.

This is meant for
a much taller man.

You came here to
measure for drapes.

This stuff is not normal.

Now, listen, you got
to put that belt on.

Then you put your
wrists up through here.

You seem to know an
awful lot about this.

Well, I've been studying it.

I'm very mechanical.

Hey, b.j...

You know, this may sound crazy,

But I am enjoying the
hell out of this thing.

How do I sound?

Uh, real good.

I wasn't off-key?

I had a little trouble
in that midsection.

No. I thought it was perfect.

You might want to button
up your blouse though.

Oh, thanks. That's
a good tee-up move.

O.k. Just one time
around and that's it, huh?

O.k. Ready?

All right.

Hold on to your shorts.

Ha ha!

Go! Aah!

O.k. That's it.

O.k. Oh, no!

It won't turn off.

B.j., It won't turn off.

Turn this thing off now.

I'm here. Let me try.

Anthony, we're flicking
it, but it's not working.

Well, flick something
else. This is horrible.

I guess that's why
they call it t*rture.

I can't believe seven
years of sugarbaker's

Down the tubes in
one lousy card game.

Oh, come on, now.
Don't punish yourself.

I mean who would go to a
complete stranger's house

On their birthday

And lose an entire business?

Well, hey...

Mary jo and anthony still
have their share of the business.

Maybe you could work for them.

Five-card stud.

I don't even know
what that means.

I mean, what would possess me

To risk everything I own

On a game I don't even
know how to play?

I mean, have I been
crazy for some time now

Or did I just go insane
after arriving here?

And finally...

And maybe most poignantly,

Where...

Are my shoes?

I'm sorry. I wore
them in the pool.

Mine were hurting my feet.

They're taking a long
time drying your clothes.

Maybe they want us
to get out of here, huh?

We didn't make a very
good impression. Anthony?

What do I think, carlene?

I think that under
ordinary circumstances,

These people would
be calling the police,

But since the police
have already been here,

And the fire trucks
and the paramedics,

I guess that they just
awaiting for us to leave,

Which I would be happy to do

If I'm ever again able
to stand up, drive a car,

Have children, or
walk in a straight line.

This whole thing
started because of pms.

No matter where I go, everybody
has their monthly same time as me.

I must be some kind of
hormonal dominatrix.

I don't believe you're bragging

After the night you've just had.

That stedman's a
pretty good sport.

When he came into that
pool with me, him being filipino

And you could see
through his wet shirt,

I thought I was being
rescued by ferdinand marcos.

I'm begging you, don't start
that marcos stuff again.

The man had $40 billion and
you could see his nipples,

For crying out loud.

O.k. That's it. We're leaving.

You wear the robe.
They'll send your clothes.

What about anthony?

We'll carry him.

You know, we forgot to send a
box of dickeys over to mrs. Buttrick.

Carlene, I don't think
you're quite getting it,

So let me explain.

Our lives are over.

We have lost everything.

There is nothing left...

Just ashes.

So I don't think it's
particularly appropriate

To continue playing
dickey jokes, o.k.?

Here we are.

Stedman got out most
of the gasoline smell.

Thank you.

Listen, uh...

I'm really sorry
about your lawnmower.

I had no idea it couldn't float.

It's an easy mistake.

B.j., I don't know
really what to say.

We've never destroyed
a house before.

I'm deeply sorry.

Oh, don't be silly.
These things happen.

Anyway, I want you to sit down
here and cut these cards with me.

If I'm going to
win your business,

I'll do it fair and square
and with you sober.

You're giving me
a second chance?

That's right. Cut the cards.

And if I win, I get
sugarbaker's back?

That's right.

And if I win, you decorate
my house for free.

Why are you doing this?

I gave up drinking but
not living dangerously.

Anthony, what do you think?

Excuse me, but you
obviously have me confused

With somebody who's
participating in this.

I'm no longer associated
with any of you.

I'm an accident
victim lying here

Waiting for a call
from workmen's comp.

Come on, julia, what kind
of stuff are you made of?

Ohh...

Oh.

I never could quit
while I was ahead.

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, I'll be getting your shoes.

They're in the oven.

I can't believe you did that.

That really took guts.

Yeah, we were really
lucky, weren't we?

Actually, carlene, I
think we just got by

With a little help
from our friend.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I think I'm going to cry.

Jeez, now I really feel
bad about that lawnmower.

Here we go.

Say, b.j.,

I just had a great idea.

Since our business has
been revitalized now,

I was thinking we could
use another partner.

Well, I'm kind of a personality
person, not a trained decorator.

What are you looking for?

Maybe somebody with
a little air in her hair.

Well, what a coincidence.

And you said you're
bored being at home.

You see, I'm a
compulsive cleaner.

And they say housework, if
done properly, can k*ll you.

Hell, I say fire up those jets.

Anthony, what's your vote?

Put 'er there, partner.