07x02 - Sex and the Single Woman

[bunniefuu]

Well, another day at
tony and cassandra hall's.

The next time I go there,

I'm going to take a camera

So I can take a picture

Of tony in his
bicycle friction pants.

It's indescribable.

He looks like an elephant
stuffed into a pair of panythose.

I just want to take
him aside and say,

"Tony, if you're
going to wear those,

Get yourself a butt."

I don't think he's trying
to show off his butt.

I think he's going
for that full-frontal,

Rolled-up sock effect.

Excuse me.

The halls are regular
paid-in-full customers,

Who redecorate as often as
they change their hair color.

We don't have to like them.

We don't have to respect them.

Think of it as ministering to
the needs of the taste-impaired.

Julia, that's just like you...

Just giving and
giving and giving.

Yeah, she's a regular
decorating mother theresa.

Bless you. Has their
sizable check cleared?

Yep.

Well, good. Bless them, too.

What's the box for?

I mentioned to cassandra

Quint's school is
having a clothing drive

For inner city kids.

So having that big heart
that beats so generously

Under that massive
wall of silicone,

She insisted that we
take these cast-offs.

Look at this.

How appropriate.

I'm sure those third graders

Are just dying for that
back-to-school string bikini.

And won't this
leather-studded bustier

Look great with saddle shoes?

Who are these people?

One of our best clients.

Beverly hills, white
trash, trailer park,

Low-life, nouveau
riche, moved to atlanta.

You should've
seen their wedding.

Cassandra wore these
white vinyl calypso pants,

Pink pompom fringe
at the bottom,

And they actually danced
like solid gold disco dancers,

Culminating in a kind
of a kung fu finale

Where tony,
unfortunately, dislocated

His well-placed sock.

Well, hell, that sounds
like a typical texas wedding.

I know this one couple...

Very good friends
of my sweet james.

When their daughter got married,

They sent their jet
to paris to pick up

An appropriate
pair of love birds.

But the poor birds
d*ed on the way back,

So they just had
pigeons painted white.

It's neither here nor there.

I'm just throwing it out
to stimulate discussion.

Go on and talk
amongst yourselves.

Hey, city slickers!

Salute!

Hello, dwayne.

Dwayne dobber, what in the world

Are you doing here?

I decided to come
to the omni car show

At the last minute
and surprise you.

Gosh! You should've called me.

I wasn't expecting you at all.

Oh! Where are my manners?

I want you to meet the
sugarbakers' new partner.

B.j. Poteet, my
ex-husband dwayne dobber,

Import car salesman
in southeast missouri...

Number one in his region.

Well...

How about that?

How big is your region,

If that's not too personal?

Well, it takes in all
of butler county

And part of stoddard and
your greater boot heel vicinity.

B.j. Doesn't want to
hear all that right now.

Oh, no. It's all right.

I'm always open to
new information,

No matter how useless.

Anthony, my man!

How you doing?

These ladies treating you o.k.?

Just fine, dwayne.

I was thinking about you

When they had those
riots out in los angeles.

I asked a couple
of the black fellas

In the shop what they
thought of that mess.

They thought it was a
shame. What do you think?

It was a shame.

Y'all ought to get together.

You guys got a lot in common.

How you doing, miss julia?

I didn't even see you.

I'm just fine, dwayne.

Your car still running o.k.?

It is, thank you.

How's that fuel injector?

It's still working fine.
Thank you for asking.

Dwayne!

Um...

How long you in town for?

Three days.

Oh. Where you staying?

I got no plans.

I came on the sperm
of the moment.

Excuse me, dwayne.

Did you just say "on the
sperm of the moment"?

Hey, mary jo, I sure did.

It just means at
the last minute.

Yes. I just wanted to make
sure I'd heard you correctly.

Anyway, carlene,
I figured I'd just

Camp out at your place.

No. Dwayne, come on,
we're divorced now.

You can't come rolling in here

And expect me to put
you up on a minute's notice.

I've got my own life now.

For all you know,

I might be living with somebody.

Well, are you?

Well, no, but it's
one of those things

That could happen any minute.

I've got plenty of room.

You could stay at my
house a couple nights.

Well, that's real decent of you.

I'll take you up on that.

It'll be the first time
I've stayed with a brother.

Well, we'll just
have a great time.

We'll get down to some
james brown records,

Fry up some chitlins,

Then slip in our gold teeth

And ride in my welfare cadillac.

Anthony, don't be shucking me.

You don't drive no caddy.

Ooh! You're way too
quick for me, dwayne.

Listen, I'm taking
you to dinner tonight

For old times' sake.

I'm sorry, but I
just might be busy.

I go to school. I've
got appointments.

I've a life.

You do not.

No, she does.

Really.

Plus things are always coming up

On the sperm of the moment.

Look, I got a busy afternoon,

But I want to see you, too,

So I'll pick you up around 7:00?

Make it 7:15. I might be
able to squeeze you in.

There's nobody I'd
rather be squeezed by.

I got to get down
to that car show.

They got the actual
batmobile down there.

I'm going to get my
picture taken in it.

I'll give y'all a copy.

That's real thoughtful, dwayne.

Make mine a wallet size.

Here's my address
and the key to get in.

I've got classes tonight,

So just make
yourself comfortable.

Hey, I can do that.

Thanks again, buddy,

And don't let these
women get the best of you.

It's a little too late for that.

No.

Boy, can you believe
the nerve of that man

Just marching in here,
expecting me to put him up?

Whew! I guess I
showed him, didn't i?

You about k*lled him
when you agreed to dinner.

Was that wrong?
Did I make a mistake?

No, no, no.

It's not wrong if you want
to have dinner with him.

Personally, I'd rather
have gum surgery,

But that's just me.

Well, julia... Julia,
don't you like dwayne?

It isn't a case of
whether I like him or not.

Dwayne's already here on earth.

He's not leaving just
because of my vote.

Look, carlene, it's not
that we don't like dwayne,

It's just, you
know, we resent him

Because we know he
fooled around on you.

We would never dislike anybody

Just because they're
a big, dumb hick.

You could take him home to mama

If you could jack him up,

Run a little humility under him.

My mama just loves him.

Every saturday he cleans
out her grease trap.

I tell you, though,

I don't want to
become involved again.

It's going to be hard 'cause
this man can be very charming.

He sold a stick-shift
car to a one-armed man.

Carlene, that's not charming.

That's twisted.

No, not really. Now lefty
has the car of his dreams.

It's done wonders
for his self-esteem.

Anyway, I've learned a thing
or two about old dwayne.

Did y'all notice I set the time?

He's not staying at my place,

And once and for all,

I won't allow him to
order my meat for me!

Ooh, that makes me mad.

Did y'all ever have
to go through that?

Julia, has that happened to you?

No, carlene. I've always
ordered my own meat.

Well, carlene, you
just stick to your g*ns

And don't let him
boss you around.

You've made the rules now.

Just make him abide by them.

I just hope I can.

If he starts flirting with me,

Ooh, I don't know.

I got to keep remembering

This man made me
dress in hot pants

And serve cold
beverages to his friends

During cock fights.

But I'll tell you something.

I can actually use a
little attention from a man,

Even my ex-husband.

I get it. You're just horny.

Mary jo, please. You
know I loathe that word.

Actually it's an
appropriate word.

It comes from the farm.

When the little
he-goats reach puberty,

They grow horns and
start butting each other.

For the average bubba,

There just isn't another
word that hits it on the head

The way horny does.

Thank you, b.j. We
get the picture.

Well, out of curiosity,

What word would you use?

Well, I suppose sex-starved,

Salacious, lascivious,

Libidinously challenged.

Nah, I'll stick with horny.

Little more bubbly, sweetcakes?

Well, maybe just a glass.

Diet or classic?

Classic.

Dwayne...

Dwayne, you know what?

Maybe we shouldn't
be doing this.

I don't want to upset you,

But we already
pretty much done it.

Remember, I already
said my hi-ho, silver.

Yeah.

You're so bad.

But I don't know.

Maybe we shouldn't
be doing it, really.

Well, why not?

It's perfectly natural.

We've been married. We know how.

Yeah, i... I know, but I've...

It's just that
I've changed a lot

Since I last saw you, dwayne.

I've given myself the mandate

To prioritize my goals.

Frankly, being
here in bed with you

Just isn't one of them.

I mean, it's nice,
but it's just...

It's not at the top of my list.

"Prioritize, mandate?"

What kind of talk is that?

You've been watching too
much phil donohue again.

Dwayne, it's not phil.

I go to college now, you know?

Carlene, please,
all this conversation

Is interfering with my
enjoyment of our afterglow.

I'm sorry.

That's o.k.

Hey.

What?

Pull my finger.

[Belches]

The classics never die.

Dwayne, what are
you doing in here?

Oh, anthony!

This is not what it looks like.

Whatever it is, you're
doing it in my room.

This isn't the guest room?

Uh-uh, no, this is
not the guest room.

This is my room, and
those are my sheets.

You are naked on my sheets!

Could you please get
my shorts on the floor?

Oh, man!

I can't find the
petty cash anywhere.

We'll have to wait for carlene.

She's never late
without calling.

She went out with
dwayne. When did he get in?

I didn't notice. I was
busy doing laundry.

I'm kind of sorry
she went out with him.

Although, I suppose
dwayne is a nice enough boy,

If you don't mind spending time

With a man who
yells, "hoo, doggies"

Every time you
uncross your legs.

He's not such a bad soul.

He's just a bubba.

You got your basic bubba.

You can accessorize
him all you want,

But it isn't going
to change him.

You can take a pig
and put lipstick on it

And call it matilda,
but it's still just a pig.

This is a bad sign
that she's not in yet.

I remember after
ted and I got divorced,

He kept coming over at
night wanting visitation rights,

If you know what I mean,

And after working all
day and carpooling the kids,

Doing the laundry,
getting them dinner,

And putting them in bed,

I'd just say, "look
here, mister...

Come on upstairs."

I'm so ashamed of that.

I wish I had had more willpower,

But you know it's
hard when you're single

And you don't know anybody

And he's already seen you naked,

So you don't have
to break anybody in.

You know, it's just easy.

I have complete
faith carlene will do

Exactly as she said she would.

She's very disciplined.
She has willpower.

She said she wasn't
even going to let him

Order her meat.

He may not have
ordered her meat,

But they sure were sharing
some dessert back at my place.

Do you know
something? You do. What?

I'm sorry, but when
I have house guests,

I do not get into
their business,

Unless, of course, they
happen to be in my bed

Doing their business
on my sheets!

You're kidding!

I only wish that I was.

Those sheets are ralph lauren.

I charged them.

I haven't even
paid for them yet!

I should take them back now,

Because a man's
sheets... That's personal!

I don't want to hear
anymore about this.

Whatever carlene
did, it's her affair

And certainly none of ours.

We are talking sheets here...

Fine linens with the ralph
lauren insignia on them.

I knew it. I knew it.

I should've just
told her not to go.

You ladies are cold.

You don't have any sympathy

For what they did to me.

I'll buy you some new sheets.

Have you seen
those bill blass ones

With the little ducks on them?

They're very masculine...

Very sporty...

Very you.

No, I haven't, b.j., But I
couldn't let you do that.

Oh, hell, I'm rich.

I'll even spring
for the dust ruffle.

They can't make love on that.

Hey.

How y'all doing?

Why y'all staring at me?

Do I have toothpaste
on my mouth?

Is my shirt buttoned wrong?

I have a hole in my stocking?

No. We hear you've
had a tiger in your t*nk.

I didn't want to tell them.
They b*at it out of me.

All I know is you were
naked on my sheets.

Anthony, here.
Here's my credit card.

Go buy yourself
a whole trousseau

And then give it a rest.

Oh, y'all.

Y'all, I am so embarrassed.

I swear I had no intention

Of getting back
together with dwayne.

It's just that when
we're together,

We just have this
animal magnetism,

You know?

Next thing I knew
I was seducing him.

You seduced him?

Yes! Can you believe it?

You know what's really weird?

I feel real ashamed on one hand,

But on the other I feel cocky.

I've never seduced
anybody before.

Oh, I don't know
what came over me.

Let me tell you what happened.

We go to dinner, right?

I did the ordering,

Because dwayne doesn't
trust menus without pictures.

So check comes end of dinner...

I paid it, because I can.

I have my own money now.

I felt like I wanted to do it.

We're driving back to anthony's,

I start looking at
dwayne and start thinking,

"You owe me."

Next thing I know, I'm
peeling off his clothes

One piece at a time

And making him twirl
around in-between.

Ooh, I mean, the power of
it was just overwhelming.

Congratulations, carlene.

Last night you became a man.

Carlene, you don't
owe us any explanation.

This is none of our business,

But I think

Before you become more
deeply involved with this man,

You should seriously
consider getting a flea dip.

Julia.

Sorry. I just don't think
he's good enough for you.

Oh, well, gosh, julia,
listen, don't worry.

I'm sure not falling
in love with him again.

I just used him for
pure animal pleasure.

Several times.

Now I feel kind of terrible,

'Cause I'm afraid
he thinks we might

Get back together.

There's just no way.

Now I know how a man feels.

Oh, hey, as far
as I'm concerned,

You've got no
reason to be ashamed

Of this little incident.

Every woman has someone
they're attracted to

That they're
embarrassed to admit.

I know I am.

Oh. Well, who?

Fidel castro.

That's disgusting.

Hey, come on. I fessed up.

Mary jo, how about you?

Somebody I find sexy
but I'm afraid to admit?

No, I really can't
think of anybody.

Oh, it must really be bad.

Who is it?

Larry king?

No.

Take me out and lobotomize me,

But 50 million frenchwomen
can't be wrong.

It's jerry lewis.

Oh, that's more
disgusting than fidel.

[Imitating jerry lewis]

Oh, no, no, no! I
agree completely!

Jerry lewis is a very
attractive man! Ha ha!

It's an attraction/
repulsion thing.

I hate him so
much it excites me.

I'm never going to let
you live this one down.

Julia, come on. You
haven't named anybody.

Excuse me. You have me
confused with someone

Who is participating in this.

Now, come on, julia.

We don't care who it is.

It could be gumby.

Mary jo, why is this
so important to you?

Because you never
participate in these things.

You never participate.

You are always
the last hold-out.

Mary jo, maybe I just
don't enjoy parading

My innermost sexual
fantasies for public amusement.

Oh, my gosh. I
think it is gumby.

It is not!

Well, who is it?

Billy graham.

Julia, that's... That's way
beyond embarrassing.

I think that's a sin.

Who am I to talk? Look at me.

I just used dwayne
dobber as a sex object.

You ought to give
yourself a break here.

You reached out
to someone familiar

In your hour of need.

Unfortunately, you
did it on my sheets.

You're like a dog with a bone.

You don't need new sheets.

You need a good psychiatrist.

Wow. This place is pretty
romantic for a divorced couple.

Hell, that's why I picked it.

It reminded me of
that italian restaurant

In that movie you like...

The lady is a tramp.

Dwayne, that's
lady and the tramp.

Oh, whatever.

I don't think
that's appropriate.

This isn't a movie.
We're not dogs.

Honey, you're no
dog, that's for sure.

Dwayne, listen,
about last night.

Hey, you don't have to thank me.

Well, I wasn't going to.

You know, it hit me last night

Just what a great girl you are.

I never really
treated you right, did i?

I'm afraid you have an idea

That we can still be
dwayne and carlene dobber,

And that will never happen.

Those days are past.

I'm not the girl that you
married anymore, dwayne.

I'm also not as nice.

Dwayne, last night I
used you as a boy toy.

Hey, that's o.k.

Glad to have been of service.

It wasn't like,

"Thank you very much.
Here's your change."

I thought you wanted
to get back together.

No!

Good, 'cause there wasn't
a snowball's chance in hell!

But I'm real proud of you.

You come to the big city
and make it on your own.

You're something special,

You know that?

I thought you'd never notice.

But the next mrs. Dwayne
dobber's going to be

A little gal who
needs taking care of.

The way you bossed
me around last night,

You're heading toward
being my best man.

Hey, pull my finger.

Oh, woman, you got
to leave me something.

[Belches]