07x03 - Mary Jo vs. the Terminator

[bunniefuu]

And the american express company

O.k., Everybody,

This is what I'll be wearing
to the fashion show.

Oh, julia,

Oh, it is so refined
and so dignified

And so brave of you to
do another fashion show.

I guess those pants are going

To take the risk
factor out of it, though.

Whatever do you
mean by that, carlene?

Come on. You know.

Last time you did
a fashion show,

You didn't wear any underwear.

And you strolled
down that runway

With your skirt tucked
up in your panty hose.

Carlene, we don't discuss
"full moon friday" around here.

How'd you find out
about that, anyway?

Charlene told me.

It's legend back
in poplar bluff.

In fact, when dwayne
dawber and his buddies

Get rowdy and go mooning,

They call it, "doing the julia."

This is good.

This is rich.

Julia, would you mind
reading this letter

That I'm sending to
the school board

Just to proof it?

I'd be delighted.

I had no idea I
had such a talent

For irate letter-writing.

I'm going to write
a lot of these.

What has the school board done

To warrant a letter now?

They caved in to pressure from
some neanderthal watchdog group

And dismantled the
aids education program.

I mean, how many times do
we have to fight this battle?

Teaching safe sex does
not promote promiscuity.

It's about keeping
the children alive.

These kids are
already exposed to sex.

It's in their movies, in
their television shows...

And that's another thing.

These television networks
will gladly run a commercial

That has half-naked nymphets
cavorting all over the place

With drooling
frat-brats to sell beer,

And then balk at
running a condom ad

Because they think it's
going to promote promiscuity.

I guess they think
it's o.k. To use sex

Just as long as it's
promoting something else...

You know... Like alcoholism.

I heard they don't
like to run condom ads

Because some people
find them tasteless.

Tasteless?

"Sometimes you have
an itch so private,

You can only talk to
your doctor about it."

Excuse me. Is this
a tasteful subject?

And how about those
flying panty liner ads?

I mean, whoever thought

That anybody wanted
a panty liner that flies?

It's my personal experience

That what people
want in a panty liner

Is something that
stays grounded!

You should write this down.

Yes, well maybe I will.

By the networks'
definition of taste,

They not only ought to
be running condom ads,

You'd think they'd want to
feature whole choruses of them

Singing and dancing
their hearts out.

It'd be kind of like

That finger man on the
ziploc bag commercials.

Mary jo, you are on fire today.

Did somebody hook some jumper
cables from julia's brain to yours?

You don't have to
be julia sugarbaker

To be ticked off.

I have my own personal
reservoir of moral outrage.

What are you doing?

I'm reading your letter.

Morning, y'all.

Hi. Hey, b.j.

Hey, nice duds.

Who went shopping?

Julia's wearing that to
the art league fashion show

She and mary jo are
doing this afternoon.

I so admire you, julia,
taking the chance,

Walking down that runway...

With your history and all.

Who filled you in on my history?

sh**t, julia, that
was on cnn, c-span,

All the "c" channels.

It's not every day that a
respectable businesswoman

Broadcasts her derriere
to assorted dignitaries.

So what y'all doing?

Mary jo's written an angry
letter about condoms.

Oh, lord, what happened?

One of those little
jobbers break on you?

No, no, no.

She thinks that condom
ads should be on tv.

Oh, now I'm for that.

Of course, I'm one
of those people

Who likes commercials
more than programs.

Those calvin klein ads are
better than any western...

All those beautiful people
mounting those sweaty animals,

Riding 'em hard,

Bringing 'em home wet.

Ooh. That works for me.

I just wish the media
would stop being

So obstinate and prudish
about running condom ads.

If you want to get your
condom message across,

You could borrow
one of my billboards.

You've been talking about
billboards for weeks.

Did you finally buy one?

No. I bought four.

And they're all going up today.

I came up with this whole
campaign called "b.j. Says."

When a person has
great opinions like I have,

It shouldn't go
unheard. So there I'll be,

15 Feet high with
big hair and big ideas.

Exactly what is
it that b.j. Says?

Well, I have this
pro-literacy message.

It says, "if you
can read this sign,

You're not illiterate."

Now that's a thinker.

Then I have my
environmental message.

I think it's kind of cute.

"Help the spotted
owl. If not you, whoo?"

Get it? "Whoo."

That's cute.

Then I put in my 2 cents about our
constitutional right to bear arms...

B.j., You don't
honestly believe...

Don't commence, julia.
These are my billboards.

If you disagree, you
can get one of your own

'Cause this is america.

Yes. Land of billboards.

And finally,

And this is my
personal favorite,

I get a chance to tell
those namby-pamby,

Yogurt-guzzling,
sprout-swilling vegetarians

What I really think of them.

B.j., What could you possibly
have against vegetarians?

I'm just sick to death of them

Giving us attitude
about being cow-K*llers.

Or chicken-pluckers or
pig-stickers or lamb-choppers...

Thank you, carlene.

We get the point.

Well, mary jo, I'm finished.

You did a fine
job on this letter.

You were planning
to type it, weren't you?

Do you think I should?

I thought a hand-written
letter was more effective.

Whatever... Of course,

Handwriting could
be hard to read,

Although your
handwriting is... Legible.

What is all this?

Oh, well... I just reordered
that middle paragraph.

What you had there
was a little wooden.

Oh. Thanks.

That's o.k., Isn't it?
You asked me to read it.

I asked you to proof it,

Not re-write the whole thing.

Why not mark all
over it in red ink,

And put a big "c-" on the top?

I was just offering some
constructive criticism.

Your technique needs work.

I know that you express
your opinions very well,

But I pride myself on
expressing my opinions, too,

In my own personal way.

O.k, now, I think
what we have here

Is an apple and oranges
situation. You both...

Back off! Back off!

I heard that.

You've pulled this
schoolmarm routine too often.

You do this all the time.

Do what?

This... This schoolmarm routine.

All the time? Give me
one specific example

Of when I've used this
so-called "schoolmarm routine."

Well, I can't think
of one right now,

But there are many.

And when I think of
one, I'll write it down...

Or I'll type it,

Since my handwriting
is barely legible.

Hey, let's go look
at b.j.'S billboards.

No, this is getting good.

Mary jo, believe me,

I do not care if you use
any of my suggestions.

As a matter of fact,

Please, please send the
letter exactly as you wrote it...

Complete with awkward
syntax and fractured sentences.

Lord knows my name isn't on it.

I won't be the one
who's embarrassed.

No! I don't want it anymore.

Here. Why don't you
fold it in three corners

And stuff it in your
suggestion box?

Uh, sugarbakers.

Yes, yes, she is.

B.j., It's for you. It's line 1.

Hello? Sugarbakers.

No, she's on another line...

Yes, that's me on the billboard.

All right. Yes, go ahead...

Thank you.

O.k. Yes, I do.

She's satan's crafty minion.

Uh-huh...

The souls of 10 million
cows will be avenged.

Could I tell her which
vegetarian is calling?

No. Thank you.

That fella just
called me a communist

And told me I
should go to russia.

When I pointed out that russia
wasn't communist anymore,

He just blew a gasket.

Some people are
finding it real hard

Letting go of that one.

Didn't that last caller call you

The running-dog lackey
of the capitalist pigs?

Uh-huh.

I've been called a communist

And a capitalist lackey
in the last 10 minutes.

I must be doing something right.

It's those calls from the
vegetarians that are scaring me.

Just proves what I've
always said about them.

They have nasty personalities

On account of they're
protein-deprived.

They feel denied.

You know, adolf
h*tler was a vegetarian.

Come on. So was mahatma gandhi.

Yeah, and look at him.
The man wore a diaper.

Is anybody else here
worried about mary jo?

She's been gone two hours now.

She's just letting
off some steam.

Julia hasn't come
back downstairs either.

This julia-mary jo
thing has given me

A sick feeling in my stomach.

What if it never stops?

What if they never make up?

They'll make us take sides,

And I couldn't choose either.

I never thought of that.

Who would I choose?
Julia or mary jo?

Mary jo's such a good friend,

But then julia
would just k*ll me.

Hang on a second.
This isn't a divorce.

They're not fighting for
custody of either of you.

I know but when this happens

Between the two most solid
people in your life, it's disillusioning.

It's like when I found out

That d*ck clark's
new year's rockin' eve

Was actually filmed in november.

Yes, carlene,

That's exactly what it's like.

Oh, you know these
flare-ups happen

When you've been
friends that long.

And there's nothing better

Than a knock-down,
drag-out, hair-pullin',

Throw-you through-the-window
saloon brawl

To clear the air
of bad feelings.

I know. I was raised on brawls,

And I'm a better
person 'cause of it.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Mary jo!

We've been worried sick.

We thought you forgot
about this fashion show today.

No, I remembered.

But I'm not going
to drive with her.

Come on, mary jo,

You're not still angry
with your dear friend julia?

I certainly am.

You saw what she did.

She treats you the
same condescending way.

I'm the one who
finally stood up to her.

I don't mean to
drag you into this...

And ask you to take sides

Because you're her friends, too.

But don't you hate
when she treats you

Like a tardy child
with a milk mustache?

She doesn't mean anything.

That's just the way julia is.

Sure, take her side.

I'm neutral here. Just
call me switzerland.

I wouldn't wrap myself
too much in switzerland.

I mean, 600 years of
peace and tranquility

And what has that
country produced?

The cuckoo clock.

Oh, carlene,

If that's another vegetarian,

Tell them I'll take a poll

When I decide to
run for president.

Course, we know
that's a hard decision

For a texan to make.

You know, you all
are blowing julia

Way out of proportion.

I know exactly where
she's coming from.

We both have strong opinions,

And we think the world
would be a better place

If everybody thought
the way that we do.

Truth is, it would be.

Julia, look at you!

Oh! You look so beautiful!

Mary jo, doesn't
julia look beautiful?

Well, I guess I should change

And freshen up my make-up.

Julia, mary jo thinks
you look pretty, too.

She's just nervous...

Carlene, that's all right.

I think you two should talk.

As much as I'm
enjoying little beirut,

It's beginning to upset
rebecca of sunnybrook farm

And switzerland over here.

I am perfectly willing to talk,

But this is mary jo's issue.

If she wants to be
pig-headed and stubborn,

That is her choice.

Let's please drop it,
because I'm not going

To say anything
bad behind her back.

Uh huh. Right.

Carlene, stop fidgeting.
What's the matter with you?

You didn't hear all
those weird phone calls.

I'm telling you, the
vegetarians are bloodthirsty.

Carlene, nobody's
going to att*ck me

At a charity fashion show.

B.j. Shouldn't be
in a crowd today.

This place hasn't been
properly secured.

Hello.

There's a woman
looking at you right now.

Well, I look
especially good today.

I'm worth looking at.

O.k., Here she comes.

Let me handle this.

Oh, now, carlene...

Excuse me. Aren't
you b.j. Poteet?

No.

Before you speak to this woman,

May I ask what you
had for lunch today?

Excuse me?

Lunch. The midday meal.
What did you have for lunch?

I had the quiche lorraine.

Quiche lorraine.

Which quiche is that?

There's meat in it.

You can talk to this woman.

I get my quiches
mixed up. Sit down.

I got a big kick out of
your illiteracy billboard.

Oh, well, thank you.

You'll have to
excuse my bodyguards.

They seem to think I'm being
stalked by vegetarians,

Which isn't that bad
when you think about it.

Vegetarians might k*ll you,

But at least they won't eat you.

Mary jo, that dress
looks... Pretty on you.

Really sets off your hair.

Thank you.

Mary jo, I'm sorry.

I guess I got a
little carried away.

I should not have
rewritten your letter.

Thank you for that.

It's a relief to be
talking again, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, boy.

Am I glad that's over.

And wasn't it silly?
I mean, frankly,

I wasn't even sure what
you were mad about.

Excuse me?

Well, I might have been
just a little condescending,

But you have to admit,

You overreacted just a tiny bit.

Not that that matters now.

I'm perfectly happy
to accept all the blame

Because our friendship
is more important.

That's because
you're a saint, julia.

Boy, are you a piece of work.

I cannot believe
that you are saying

That you don't
know why I was mad.

I think I was pretty damn clear.

Well. Ooh.

Well, obviously,
there's more to this

Than some silly letter.

My letter wasn't silly.

I'm just saying you've got
something stuck in your crawl,

But I don't think this is
the perfect time or place

To discuss it.

My mother used to say that.

You know what I think?

This is a great place
and the perfect time

Because I want to have it out

Because I'm sick
of your "i, for ones"

And other holy pronouncements

That come down from mt. Julia!

Well, far be it from me...

I hate that expression the
most! Thanks for reminding me.

It epitomizes that
superior attitude

That you use like a
sledgehammer on the rest of us!

Did you or did you not

Ask for my opinion
of your letter?

I said...

Proofread it!

That means spell-check!

And as... For your... Opinion...

And let me make
this perfectly clear,

I think I speak
for the majority...

Sometimes we don't
want to hear your opinion!

Sometimes we don't care
if you have an opinion!

And sometimes... And maybe
you want to write this down...

Sometimes your opinion is wrong!

Really.

Don't turn your back on
me when I'm talking to you!

I'm not finished yet,
miss thought police!

Would you back up a little?

Your hot breath's taking
the curl out of my hair!

Oh? Am I embarrassing
you, julia?

Am I annoying you?
Because you know what?

I'm going to be all over you!

I'm going to be stuck
to you! I'm going...

I'm stuck to you.

I'm stuck to you! What?

My lace is caught up
in your bugle beads!

Well, excuse me, mary jo,

But I believe you thrust
your lace over my bugle beads!

Evening wear, you're on!

Let's go!

Help! What are we going to do?

You're on!

♪ Moon river

♪ Wider...

Huh! Moon river.

Obviously, julia did
not select the music.

Ladies and gentlemen... Representing
the sugarbakers. Design firm

Julia sugarbaker
and mary jo shively

Speed it up.

Please keep up
with me and smile.

Glide and glide
and dip your head.

Don't be bossy.

5 And...

6 And...

7 And...

Turn.

Oh!

Now you've really
done it, julia!

Boy, I got to tell you,

I've never seen fine
silk shred like that.

Although I did enjoy
your little strip show.

I'm just glad that y'all were
wearing pretty brassieres.

You know, sometimes
when bad things

Happen to good people,

Like having your
blouses ripped off

In front of 400 of
atlanta's finest citizens,

Friends reach out to each other,

And sometimes stronger
relationships can be forged.

I'm going to do what mama did

When my baby sister
and I got ugly...

Throw a quilt on the floor,

And you two are
going to wrestle it out.

I've had enough now.

I mean, today was going to be

The big unveiling of
my "b.j. Says" billboards,

And you two have sucked

All the joy out of it for me.

I tried to work
it out backstage,

But miss manners didn't
think that it was appropriate.

Well, now is
certainly appropriate.

Would you care to
take this outside?

It's a little cold.

Why don't we just
take it upstairs?

Fine with me.

Oh, good.

This is good.

Don't push me.

Just don't push me.

You stop it!

Don't...

Make me laugh.

I'm sorry, mary jo.

I'm sorry. It was
me. It was all me.

I was arrogant and
insensitive. It was all my fault.

Well... You were
right about one thing,

And that is that it's our
friendship that matters.

But you know what?

I'm not going to hold
in anything anymore.

I'm going to tell
you off regularly...

Because, well,
you have to admit,

I think I did it pretty well.

All too well.

I'm going to have to
keep an eye on you.

Pretty soon, you'll be
as big a donkey as I am.

No way! Nobody could be

As big a donkey
as you are, julia.

Hey, what about my billboards?

Julia, mary jo,
let's take a ride.

I've delayed
gratification long enough.

I'm about to bust my buttons.

Julia and mary jo b*at you
to the punch on that one.

Let's go.

Wait, b.j.,

I have no intention of
visiting any billboards

That support the unrestricted
access to firearms.

Then as we drive
by, close your eyes,

Because the first
amendment allows me

To rattle on about my second
amendment rights all I want.

Oh, see here, b.j.,

The second amendment clearly
ties the right to bear arms

To maintaining a
well-regulated militia.

I love to argue, julia.

I'll talk you under the table,

Out the door, into my car,

And right past my billboard!

I'm just glad it's not me.