07x05 - Screaming Passages

[bunniefuu]

I know y'all are
tired of hearing this,

But I never hurt
so bad in my life.

My body's using words
my mind couldn't think of.

Why do you keep going back
to that personal trainer?

I tried to get brutus
to leave me alone,

But the more I complain,

The more he thinks
he's doing a great job.

I swear, I never
thought I would regret

Having a sweaty, half-naked hunk

Standing over me
saying, "again. Again."

You know what cher says...

No pain, no gain.

But then again, she also
said that sonny could sing.

Oh, don't do that. It hurts.

I only sat down.

The wind you whooshed
toward me hurts.

Hi. What y'all doing?

We are doing nothing
but sitting around,

Watching b.j. Wince in pain.

As diverting as that
sounds, I'd like you to stop.

Listen to me 'cause I have
something to tell you.

Well, it'll probably
become apparent

Sooner or later anyway,

And... And also...

Because too many women
feel they have to treat this

As an embarrassing
little secret.

Are you going to
have lip implants?

No, bernice.

Breast augmentation?

No, bernice.

That's too bad. I'd have
voted for that one.

Bernice...

She said it was a surprise.

Let me guess. Let me guess...

Let me finish. It's
difficult enough as it is.

That's a hint. Difficult.

Hush. I want to hear
what this is about.

Thank you, b.j.

I just came from the doctor

Where she confirmed that
I'm going through the change.

I don't expect to have
any problems, really.

I think I'll be able to keep
everything perfectly under control.

So what's the surprise?

It wasn't a surprise, bernice.

What was all that build-up?

There wasn't any
build-up, bernice.

I just wanted you all to
know that I'm in menopause.

Oh. Been there. Done that.

Julia, this explains a lot
about your behavior lately,

Like when you and mary jo

Got into that
knock-down fight...

When you almost lost
sugarbaker's in a card game...

When you went to
nashville to see phillip

And hardly knew him.

You know, I wouldn't have
believed that those events

Were hormonally related,

But now that you've
made me aware, carlene,

I'm going to be on my guard.

Julia, I certainly do admire you

For being so open about this.

Yeah, you all are so very
open about all these things.

I just want to thank
you for including me

In all your little hormonal
action adventures.

Anthony, if you
want to rattle on

About your prostate or anything
else in your nether region,

We'll ooh and ah.

How long do you have
to go through this?

Oh, a day... Five years...
They don't know.

It's different with every woman.

In some cultures, they actually
celebrate the change of life

Because then you
become the wise woman.

It's like a rite of passage.

As long as you don't end
up sounding like bea arthur.

Y'all can go on all you want

About, uh, rites of passage

And... And wisdom and such,

But when it comes to the
change, I'm scared to death.

My mama was wackier than usual,

Which was a stretch for a woman

Who's still mad that jack
parr left the tonight show.

She'd just stand out
in that front doorway,

Open with her
skirts all flapping

To get all that
cross-ventilation,

Just begging god to
send a cold front through.

Since she kept a shotgun
by her front door,

Nobody messed with her.

Yeah, we called my
mother's menopause

The trail of tears.

She cried when ricky
sang on ozzie and harriet,

Cried when daddy mowed the lawn.

If I didn't let her
pack my lunch,

She'd just burst into tears
over a pack of twinkies.

sh**t, after 10 children,

My mama was thrilled
when she hit menopause.

Frankly, I thought the
whole thing was just boring.

I was really looking forward

To some hefty mood swings,

And I got squat.

Did your doctor say anything
about hormone replacement?

Yeah. She advised me to check

Into my own family
medical history.

Said to read everything
I could about it.

And then she said
to wait 10 to 14 years

For the studies to be released.

You know, I think they
have an estrogen patch now.

Hell, they got a
patch for everything...

Nicotine patch,

Motion sickness patch...

I wish they'd come up
with a personality patch.

Boy, I'd slap that on my
personal trainer's fanny

Next time he, uh, said,

"Exercise is important
for bone density."

Well, he's right, b.j.

You're going to be glad
you've been exercising

When your time comes.

Oh, don't talk to
me about my time.

I've got a lot of money,

And I plan on spending
a great deal of it

To keep my time
from ever coming.

You'd do better directing
your money toward research.

These so-called experts
know very precious little

About women's health.

They don't do diddly
about women's health.

Did you see that report

About the effects of
aspirin on heart att*ck?

The study used no women.

Heart disease is the
number one k*ller of women.

Boy, maybe we ought to
give those researchers

A big old wake-up-and-smell-
the-coffee patch.

Well, thank heavens
some doctor named larosa

Is finally doing some research

At the national
institutes for health.

She's asking for volunteers.

I have volunteered for
health research many times,

And I've always
been turned down.

I sent in over
100 case histories

To that hite report woman

And never heard a word
back from that bitch.

Two of my aunts

Thought they were going through
menopause and had change-of-life babies.

Oh, do you think maybe
it could be a baby?

Carlene...

Let me assure you in the
strongest way I know how...

And don't make
me spell this out...

There's absolutely
no possibility

I could be having a baby.

I get it... No
ticket, no laundry.

I'd have thought you'd
have been all over phillip

Like a duck on a june bug.

You know, b.j., I understand

That you get a lot of
pleasure out of teasing me...

I'm just saying the cookie
jar's close to empty,

You might as well
take the lid off.

[Breaks into tears]

Aw... Why'd you make her...

Don't cry.

Oh...

Ju...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh... Um... Oh, gosh.

We were just playing
so nice together there.

Uh... Uh... Please...

Forgive me. I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

I wouldn't want to
hurt you for the world.

I know.

I... I won't tease you
about sex anymore.

I'll think of something
else to tease you about.

[Sobbing] o.k. O.k.

Are, uh, you o.k. Now?

It's over. No big deal.

You just happened to hit on
the most sensitive area for me.

You see, I'm starting this
new relationship with phillip...

You know, just work your way up.

I've always thought that the
next best thing to having sex

Was talking about it,

And the next best
thing to talking about it

Is reading about it.

But movies are
where I draw the line.

Well, obviously you haven't
seen those emmanuelle movies.

She's a real sharp cookie.

Julia?

Oh, phillip, what a surprise.

You've never met
all these people.

Oh, don't tell me. I
know who you are.

You're maestro
phillip russell stuart.

I'm b.j. Poteet.

Hi.

I... I'm carlene dobber.

And all these
other people are...

Bernice clifton...

Anthony bouvier...

And mary jo shively.

Hi, phillip. I've heard
so much about you.

It's so nice to meet you.

So you're julia's new boyfriend.

She didn't tell us
you were so cute.

Uh... Well, thank you.

Julia, you really
should've told everybody.

Uh... Oh, hey, I have
wonderful news.

You know that, uh,
production of traviat a

In helsinki?

I didn't get it.

That's good?

For us. I get to stay here.

That is good news.

Julia, why don't you
tell him your good news?

It can wait, bernice.

Why? You've been
bragging about it all day.

I'll explain everything and
everyone to you later on.

She did tell us you
haven't had sex yet.

Bernice!

Well, now I'm
thoroughly embarrassed.

Well, uh, that... That's o.k.

Conductors are used to having
people talk behind their backs.

Am I blushing?

Oh, we all are.

I know this is last minute,

But I could sure use an
evening with you tonight.

How about dinner?

I'd love it.

Pick you up at 8:00?

Uh, it was lovely
meeting all of you.

So nice to meet you, phillip.

Bye. Bye. See you later.

Oh... He's got a body by god.

Honey, step on the gas
because he is gorgeous.

I've often thought,
with a face like that,

It's a shame audiences
rarely get to see it.

Let's get real.
With a butt like that,

They're getting
their money's worth.

Julia says she's got
this under control,

But what happens if
sometimes we go head-to-head...

I've got the pms, and
she's got a hot flash...

There's liable to
be nothing left

But two pairs of pumps
and a little pile of ashes.

Yeah, well, it's not fair.

Why is it only women have
to go through menopause?

That's not exactly true.

We go through some changes.

At a certain age,

We go out and buy
tight designer jeans

And wear a bunch of gold
chains around our neck

And go after women half our age.

We just don't have a
name for it like you.

Yes, you do. It's
called being a jackass.

I just think we ought
to do everything we can

And make this as easy
as possible for her.

Yeah, I'm all for that,

But could we just
stop talking about it?

It's like being in this
broken spaceship,

The oxygen's running
out and you know it,

And you want to
enjoy what time's left.

Well, this is not as bad

As I thought it was going to be.

I can survive this.

'Course, it does
feel like july in here.

So, julia, I guess you're having

One of those hot flashes now.

No, carlene. This is the
way I dry my mascara.

Would you mind opening a window?

Sure, julia. Iti s k
ind of warm in here.

Now, don't lie to her, anthony.

She'll really think she's nuts.

Anthony's just
trying to appease you.

You know, this reminds
me of my grandma,

Who'd sit out on the porch

With an old crocheted bonnet

With her wig on backwards,

Wearing petticoats
and fishing boots.

And everyone would say to her,

"Why, you look
lovely today, louise."

Could we open more windows?

I'll do it. Whew. I'm
kind of warm myself.

Thank you, anthony.

Whenever I had hot flashes,

I'd just go down
to the winn-dixie

And hang around the
frozen food department.

Me and mrs. Paul
had a thing going on.

I don't think that's
going to be necessary.

I'm o.k. Now.

You've had a couple of weather
patterns come through today.

Maybe you ought to give
yourself a break tonight

And not go out.

I'm not going to let
this alter my plans.

It's all self-control.

I can handle a few
changes in temperature.

It's freezing in here.

Would you mind
closing those windows?

Uh-oh. There come some
of those mood swings

I was looking forward to.

Say, bernice... You know
what? If you're implying

That I'm experiencing
some changes

In my testosterone level,

You're right! You're correct!

She's going to be
one hell of a date.

Would it be possible
to keep these magazines

Straight in this place?

It is a place of business,
for crying out loud!

Oh, my goodness.

I'm flying off the handle
about some magazines.

You're all the dearest
people in the world to me,

And I've started
snapping at you.

I don't mean to be like this.

[Julia sobs]

Oh, julia...

D-don't cry!

It... It's all my fault.

Look. I've straightened
up all the magazines.

Look how neat they are.

I'm sorry, anthony.

They look really nice.

You're making me cry, too.

No, don't cry, carlene!

[Mary jo] oh, now
I'm going to cry!

This is the craziest
thing I've ever seen.

Julia has an excuse.

Do I have to remind everyone,

Menopause is not contagious!

[Carlene] no,
but... But crying is!

Would you look at us?

[Starts laughing]

This is funny.

You're all as bad as I am.

Well, phillip, thank you
for a lovely evening.

I'll have your jacket cleaned

And sent back to you.

You don't have to do that.

I insist. I've never
perspired so much in my life.

I was hoping to get you
hot and sweaty tonight,

But this isn't how
I had it planned.

I made you laugh.

Does that mean I get
to stay for a drink?

I did already have
it out, so why not?

You know, julia...

I don't want to tread on
territory where I don't belong,

But does what happened have
anything to do with the news

That that lovable yet
clearly deranged older woman

Was trying to
get you to tell me?

Bernice?

Well, she was...

I... I don't know why I'm
having such a hard time.

And I'm frank, I think...
And open and an adult.

Well, I can handle
frank and open.

And, uh, when I look at you,

I am particularly
happy that I'm adult.

Now, let me just add
one little comment

About our relationship.

Uh, my vote is that, uh,
I'm all for having one.

Oh.

Well, that's, uh...

Nice to hear.

I've got to tell you this.

I owe you an explanation.

Here it is.

I'm going through the change.

Uh-huh.

Of life.

I had that figured out.

You did?

Should have known it.

If you want to turn
and run out that door

While you have a chance,
I'll understand completely.

I guess I've chosen the
worst possible time in my life

To begin a new relationship.

Phillip, i... I have
to warn you...

Uh, even at my
best, I'm volatile.

I'm not the kind of guy

Who stands with his
hands over his eyes

Saying, "it's dark in here."

Look, I know that you're
going through something

That's very tough.

And, what I'm saying, is, uh...

I'm here.

No, I think we handled
tonight, uh, pretty well.

There's something else.

You know, you hear
terrible stories about...

Uh, physical
changes, and, I'm...

Just extremely uncertain.

I'm, uh... Confused, and, uh...

I'm blubbering, and I don't know

What I'm trying to say.

You know, um...

Uh, I find a lot of
things besides sex...

Sexy.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

Now, um... Our first
date. You remember that?

We, uh, went to that
little bistro downtown,

And, uh...

They played slow boat
to china on the jukebox,

And you sang along.

That is the kind of
sexy I'm talking about.

♪ I'd like to take you

♪ On a slow boat to china

Ha ha.

It sounds a lot
sexier when you sing it.

♪ All to myself

♪ Alone

Is that the way you meant?

Yeah.

♪ Get you and keep you

♪ In my arms

♪ Forevermore

♪ Leave all your lovers

♪ A-waitin' on the faraway shore

Is it just me, or is it
getting hot in here?

Bet julia's going to love
this fan, don't you think?

Watch. Watch this. Look.

I'm cindy crawford.

You know, y'all, I'm not so
sure julia's going to think

This little impromptu
menopause party

Is entirely festive.

Maybe b.j.'S got a point.

Maybe we should
wait till she gets back

And see how she feels

Before we kind of spring
into a rousing rendition

Of "happy menopause to you."

Is steam coming out
of the top of my head?

No, but your hair's on fire.

That was just a little
menopause humor.

Could I get a cold rag for you?

No, thank you. I'm fine.

I've just had a
minor altercation

Down at the pic-n-pay.

I don't think minor
altercation is the word for it.

It was more like a holy w*r,

Like a hormonal jihad.

When will you learn to
stand up for yourself?

That woman practically ripped
those tube socks out of your hand.

Tube socks?

Mm-hmm. Last pack,
three for $1.99,

50-50 Poly/cotton blend.

Julia wanted to rumble for them.

Right on, sister. You're having

Just the kind of
menopause that I dreamed of.

Why don't we go out and
knock over a convenience store?

Uh-uh. Been there. Done that.

I have tried to be
accommodating,

But I draw the line here.

Julia, I will shop for myself

Until you get out of this
hormonal twilight zone.

Well, it's all over.

Julia, why don't you just
sit down and cool off?

Yes. I've got a cool
little present for you.

You do?

Yes, ma'am. Close your eyes.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

It's a little close, carlene.

[Carlene] just relax.

I really don't need it anymore.

Cool fan.

Take it away now.

Back off, carlene!

Now can we have the party?

What party are
you talking about?

Remember I was telling you

That there are certain cultures
that celebrate menopause?

Well, we were thinking that
we would just kind of have

A little rites of
passage celebration,

But I don't know. Maybe
that was a dumb idea.

What do you want?

I don't know what
I want, mary jo.

I know this is something
normal and natural,

But I bet the people
who describe it that way

Are not the same
people going through it.

Understand? I just don't
want to do it anymore.

I look at myself in
the mirror and say,

"Julia, are you in there?"

Kind of feel like sybil.

Gosh. That's when I knew that
sally field could really act.

I like her.

[Impersonating
sally] I really like her.

We all like her, carlene.

Now can I sing?

Oh, sure, bernice, why not?

I think a party today
might be just the thing.

Yeah, what the hell?

If you don't like it, you
can always start crying.

I couldn't find an
appropriate card,

So I figured I'd have
to settle for this one.

"Happy birthday
to a dear niece."

I think that says it all, b.j.

That little girl
looks just like you.

And I'm also passing
on the balance

Of the 240 sessions I have with
my personal trainer brutus.

More than generous.
Thank you, b.j.

Well, believe me, it's the
gift that keeps on giving.

This party is really
awfully sweet of you all.

I am very touched.

Please don't
start crying, julia.

No. Anthony, I've
discovered the rule of thumb

Is that I only cry about
things that don't matter,

Like magazines or tube socks.

I went through the
change many years ago,

And I'm still a red-hot mama.

Now, with a lot of
practice, you can be one, too.

Thank you, bernice.

And now I'm going to sing a song

That got me through
many a rough moment.

♪ We're havin' a heat wave

♪ A tropical heat wave

♪ The temperature's rising

♪ It isn't surprising

♪ She certainly can can-can