07x11 - Too Dumb to Date

[bunniefuu]

O.k. This is a bill
from georgia power.

Now, that's real good, carlene.

Except I think that georgia
power return address

Might have given
you a little clue.

I know. I'm just practicing.

I got this book how to
improve your psychic abilities.

I've often thought
I was psychic.

The first time I
met dwayne dauber

I knew I was going to marry him.

And you didn't run away
in spite of that knowledge?

I'm impressed, carlene.

O.k. I will now tell you
how much the bill will be.

Ahem.

I am seeing a number
with a loop in it.

And that number
is an... 8... No.

No, no, no. Wait. It's 6.

5.3, 2, 7...

Just open the mail, ms. Karnak.

Oh, I got a letter
addressed to me!

Oh, yeah! I just love,
love, love getting mail.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, no. It's a chain letter.

Don't even read it.
Toss it right now.

Listen to this.

"This letter, started
by a franciscan nun

"In a small town in italy,

"Has circled the
globe five times.

"This is not about money.

"This is about passing love
and goodwill on to others

By keeping the chain alive."

Throw it away.

"However, bear in mind,

Selma kinney of opp,
alabama, broke the chain

And six hours later walked
into an airplane propeller."

You see, there's
always a curse part.

I'm not taking any chances.

I'm sending off
10 copies pronto.

Can I send one to
each of y'all, please?

No. Uh-uh. No, no.

I hate chain letters.

They're
curse-causing. I mean it.

If you send me one,
you're going to wish

You were selma
kinney of opp, alabama.

Yeah. I don't want one, either.

I prefer alienating 10
of my closest friends

By handing their
names over to mci.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Chain letters are
emotional extortion.

My mother got every
recipe chain letter

That came down the pipe.

Once she got nine recipes
for five-can casserole

And tried it out on us.

We had to put a stop to that.

What is five-can casserole?

Oh, it's the cornerstone of
southern church lady cuisine.

You grab the first five
cans you see in the cupboard,

You dump them in a casserole,

And then you bake it with enough
velveeta to glue it all together.

And you didn't like that?

Well... Another job completed.

Brad and lydia toussy now have the
faux pony-skin tv room of their dreams.

Mary jo, somebody
named craig called.

Oh... O.k.

He's stopping by. Is that o.k.?

Sure. That's o.k.

Ahem. By the way, mary jo...

Ahem, how do you feel
about chain letters?

I loathe and despise them.

And I loathe and despise
anyone who sends me one.

Don't even think about it.

Wait a minute. Back
up. Who's craig?

Uh, craig holman. Just
a guy I've been seeing.

Mary jo, my feelings are hurt.

I can't believe you didn't
mention this, even to me.

A new man might be
something special.

Yes. And rare. My
last date, I believe,

Took me to a donovan concert.

I'm sorry, julia, it
just didn't come up.

Didn't come up?

I haven't been here that long,

But it seems to me y'all
talk about every detail

Of your personal
lives round the clock.

If it's been worn, waxed,
or dated, it's been discussed.

Mary jo, is he a hairy man?

I'm seeing some hair.

No, carlene, he's not.

His name is harry, isn't it?

Carlene, you took the message.

Remember? His name is craig.

Right, right, right.

He could have a middle name.

Hello, mary jo?

Oh, hi there.

These are for you.

Well, isn't that sweet?

Uh, thank you.

Craig, this is julia,
carlene, b.j., Anthony.

Everybody, this is craig.

So I finally meet
the lucky folks

Who get to spend their
whole day with my little mojo.

Well, that's us. All right.

Mojo and associates.

Boy, you work fast.

You already got
a pet name for her.

Yeah. I always
shorten people's names.

Sort of a hobby.

Really? Well, my name's
b.j. What would you call me?

B.

Maybe j.

Uh-huh.

You know, you look
familiar to me, craig.

Have I ever seen you
somewhere before?

Maybe the home expo.

That's where I met mojo.

I was casual dad in
the americana suite.

That's right...

I was very impressed
with your... Sitting.

Thanks. It's not
as easy as it looks.

I had to learn to sit
without creasing my pants.

Uh-huh. So your job is to sit.

Please do.

Go ahead. Sit.

There's a lot more
to it than that.

Modeling has many faucets.

Craig is the number one
commercial model in all of atlanta.

Wow! Oh! Oh!

My, that's an achievement...

And another thing
you failed to mention.

Craig was also in the sunday
circular for vick's men's department.

Maybe you saw my fruit of
the loom spread last week.

I used to be embarrassed
about modeling underwear,

But when you think about it,

It's just like wearing
your bathing suit,

And I'm not embarrassed
to wear my bathing suit.

Well... Ahem.

Did you come to
take me to lunch?

Lunch. Sure.

Uh, craig, I'd just
like to ask you.

You know, in the catalogs

Where you see the father
and the son standing together

Outside in their
underwear pointing at stuff,

What are they pointing at?

Usually, they're pointing
at the guy holding the lights.

Uh, you know, most of
those aren't really outdoors.

Now, myself, I like to imagine
that I'm actually outdoors

And that I'm pointing
at a tree or a fish.

Well, that answers most
of my modeling questions.

Thank you, craig.

No problem, ant.

So, craig, lunch?

Right. When do you want to go?

Uh, how about
noon, which is now?

Now's good.

It's nice to meet you.

We'll see you folks later.

Yes. Bye.

Be sweet. Have a good time.

Well... He certainly
seems like a sweet man.

Yes, he does.

He's awfully
handsome, too, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

And just full of
useful information.

Hey, they're both
gone. Let's come clean.

That man is dumber
than a box of rocks.

I sensed that.

You know, I been thinking.

I don't think we did mary
jo any favors yesterday

By acting like we were
impressed by craig.

I thought he was real sweet.

Mary jo does not need
our stamp of approval

On every tom, d*ck, and
harry she brings in here.

See? You think there's something

Hairy about him, too, don't you?

Carlene, that's a
figure of speech.

But you used that
particular figure of speech.

I'm going to get to the
bottom of this hairy business.

Mary jo's an intelligent
young woman.

She can figure out for herself

That her boyfriend
is just a little bit...

You know.

Dumb?

I didn't say that.

If the man were
any less intelligent,

He'd be chugging
back miracle-gro.

That is wicked!

Oh! And you liked it, huh?

Well...

It's funny.

Listen to this one.

That man is so simple,

If you put his brain in a bee,

He'd fly backwards.

Oh, julia!

You are wicked, too.

It looks good on you.

We got to stop.

O.k., Julia, here's your mail.

Some of this is personal,

And I do not open personal mail.

Well, thank you.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

This is some sort of payback

For eons of big-breasted,

Blond-bimbo locker-room jokes.

And I just have to say,

On behalf of my fellow brethren,

Good sh*t, ladies.

Taken like a man, anthony.

Very clever, carlene.

Obviously, I did not make
myself clear yesterday.

This is what I think
of chain letters.

Julia, you shouldn't
have done that!

You'll be cursed!

And it'll be your fault!

I do not believe in
chain-letter voodoo.

Julia, I swear I just
had the weirdest flash.

Have you had your
transmission checked lately?

Will you please stop this?

Hey, mary jo.

Mary jo, craig called
and left a message...

He hopes you have
a really nice day.

Ooh, he's so clever!

Isn't he sweet?

Can you believe him? Can you
believe how gorgeous he is?

He is very attractive.

Oh, come on, julia.

He's incredible!

And he's... Rare.

Do you mean rare like a ruby

Or rare like a piece of meat?

O.k., B.j., I expected
that from you,

And I'll admit

That I don't always go for a guy

Who's... Prettier than I am.

Mary jo, craig is very sweet.

It's just that he's
different from...

All the men

That you've been
interested in before.

What? Kind, considerate?

Not to mention drop-dead,
fall-to-the-floor,

Crawl-to-the-door gorgeous?

Honey,

Um... Let me put
this delicately.

The biggest... Challenge
in this man's life

Is to make furniture
look comfortable

Or point at imaginary fish.

So?

He's what we used
to call a pop-tart...

Fruit-filling for brains.

B.j., That is so unfair.

He has many...

Wonderful qualities.

Uh, mary jo,

If... If craig were fat and bald

With all these
wonderful qualities,

Would you still be interested?

O.k., Anthony, so
craig is not a genius.

But to dismiss him for that

Is just prejudice.

Mary jo, are you accusing
me of discriminating

Against the vain and vacuous?

Yes.

Guilty as charged.

Really, mary jo, what
do you have in common?

I, myself, can't picture you

Engaging in stimulating
conversation.

Maybe conversation is overrated.

Maybe we don't need to talk.

Oh...

So this is basically a
physical relationship.

Why not? W-what's
wrong with a nice, healthy,

Physical relationship?

Yeah! You tell them.

I think y'all put way
too much emphasis

On this brains thing.

I mean, I was happily
married to dwayne dauber

For many, many years,

And he's not the
smartest man on earth.

Oh, come on, carlene.

Craig is nothing like dwayne.

For starters, he's
much better looking.

Mary jo does have a point.

Men date vapid, gorgeous
women all the time.

That's right.

I mean, if I want
intellectual stimulation,

I can always just
read stephen hawkings

Or watch jeopardy!

I say...

If a man can have his bimbo,

Mary jo can have her dumbo.

Thank you. I will.

You're welcome.

Look at this. My
mirror is broken.

Oh, julia!

That is the curse
of the chain letter.

This is all your fault, carlene!

Julia tore it up!

If the letter you tear,
the curse you bear.

You two are ridiculous.

[Loud noise]

Julia, your car just
rolled out the driveway,

Across the street,
and into a utility pole.

I told you something
was wrong with your car.

I'm psychic.

Julia, you are as
cursed as cursed can be.

Carlene, get your
hands on that letter!

That casablanca is so sad.

I could never send you
off with another man.

Your skin is so
smooth and soft...

Like my old baseball glove.

Only you smell way better.

Thank you... I think.

Gee, I wonder if
that tape's rewound.

I think it's time to see
your favorite movie now.

I really like that casablanca,

But what was bogey
going to do after she left?

Work in the resistance.

Thousands of people
worked in the underground.

I would die if I
couldn't be in the sun.

No, no, craig. The
underground...

Never mind. Times were hard.

Craig...

Why don't we save ernest
goes to camp for another night?

I couldn't agree more.

Your body's just incredible.

I mean, really. It's absurd!

Nobody looks
like this in life...

Not... Not... Not
anybody I know.

That isn't true.

You know me.

Craig.

What's wrong?

I have to talk to you.

sh**t.

I really like you.

That makes me happy.

You have...

Many wonderful qualities.

So do you.

But you know,
I've been thinking.

You think too much.

You may have put
your finger on it there.

Oh, gee, you know, I just, uh...

Have a little headache.

I was wondering
if maybe we could...

Just call it a night.

Sure, mojo.

When we take that next step,

I want you to
feel good about it.

Whatever the problem is,

Remember... Tomorrow
is another day.

Don't worry. Be happy.

Pop-tart. Pop-tart.

Pop-tart!

Oh, anthony, hey.

You have a couple
of letters here.

Uh-uh, carlene.

I am on chain-letter alert.

I'm no longer receiving mail.

In fact, we're not even
having this conversation.

Anthony, you've
already received them.

Nope. These letters,
whatever they may be,

Which I know absolutely
nothing about,

Have not actually
touched my skin.

Therefore, I have not
officially received them.

Anthony, don't you
think you're overreacting

Just a little, tiny bit

To this chain-letter deal?

A curse is not good.

A curse is something
to be avoided.

That's why it's called a curse.

Curse closed.

Let me ask you a
hypothetical question.

Which would you choose...

A cruel, smart man
who's a bad kisser

And probably cheap to boot,

Or a kind, sexy man

Who's... Not very bright?

I don't know. What's
behind door number three?

I don't know.

I thought I wanted to
pursue this relationship,

But now I don't know.

I think the thrill
was kind of gone

When craig informed me
that darren, from bewitched,

Was actually played
by two actors...

Both named d*ck...

But that he had not been
fooled for an instant.

And it just made me kind of sad,

Because that was
really just about

The smartest
thing he'd ever said.

That is sad.

Yes.

And then when he left,

He... He actually said...

"Don't worry. Be happy."

I don't know! Am I
asking too much?

Am I being too demanding?

You know, he's a very
nice, sexy, masculine guy,

But inside he's just...

A big...

Dumb... Kid.

Well, I feel for you, mary jo.

Men... You know you
have to have them,

But you don't know why.

Yeah. Kind of like a blender.

Thank you, carlene.

If I could just jump
in here, mary jo,

It seems like you're struggling

To make this craig
the real thing,

When your intuition
keeps telling you

That he's just a plaything.

You're right.
Fills the same void,

And I'm going to
have to face facts

And say goodbye.

So what do you think
of my health club?

I had no idea there were
so many different ways

To t*rture yourself.

You have a negative attitude.

Exercise is good for you.

Yeah, I've heard that somewhere.

That shake's good for you, too.

It's got electrolysis in it.

I... I think you
mean electrolytes.

You know, electrolysis is
when you have hair removed.

Oh, yeah.

I had that once. I used
to be really hairy.

I'll have to tell carlene.

Why?

Nothing. It's just... It's
just ironic, that's all.

You're always using
words like that.

Like what?

Like the one you just
said... Words I don't know.

Mary jo, I know that
I'm not as smart as you.

What makes you think that?

No, I'm o.k. About
it. It evens out.

I mean, I'm in much
better shape.

Mojo, look. I saw how
uncomfortable you were

About making love last night,

And most women
want to just use me

For some wild, animal fling.

This relationship
isn't right for you,

And you already knew that.

I can't bear to wait for the day

Where you'll be bored
and break up with me,

So I have to break up with you.

I can't let myself get
any more attached to you.

When did you come
to this conclusion?

This morning, in between my
leg curls and my bench press.

I always take a few
minutes in between.

Talk about irony.

You see, it's funny because...

W-well, i... I...

Nothing.

Look, mary jo,

If we see each other on
the street, we can talk.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

I got these for you...

To remember me by.

Why, thank you, they're just...

Perfect, craig.

And i... I want you
to know that, uh,

Breaking up was the
smart thing to do,

And it... It was your idea.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

Be happy.

I wonder when mary
jo's going to be back?

Did you see that?
Did you hear that?

I mentioned her name,

And she walked through the door.

It's a gift. I don't own it.

The big, dumb lug dumped me.

Why the long face? You
were going to dump him anyway.

It's one thing to dump someone.

It's an entirely different
thing to be dumped on.

He didn't even have the
gumption to do it himself.

He just... Left these
balloons and a note.

The waiter said he looked sad,

But gorgeous.

I can't even bring
myself to read the note.

Well, mary jo,

At least he gave you
this lovely parting gift.

Yeah, balloons.

I just didn't think that
it would hurt so much.

Anthony, would you just...

Open it, and... Tell
me what it says?

Oh, sure, mary jo.

"This letter was
started by a franciscan..."

No! Mary jo!