07x13 - Oh Dog, Poor Dog

[bunniefuu]

Bernice, that's all you'll
need for the hospital.

You'll only be
there a few hours.

Did you pack that red lace teddy

And my eva gabor fun wig?

No, but I hardly
think you'll need them

For out-patient
cataract surgery.

Don't you watch
general hospital?

If you want good health care,

You've got to be
one red-hot mama.

Before anthony takes you,

Is there anything
else I can get you?

Yes. Mix me up a big
pitcher of vodka stingers,

And put it in a sports bottle...

Now, if possible.

Bernice, the doctor
said no juice, no coffee,

No liquids this morning.

I'm going to assume that
includes vodka stingers.

Oh, sure. Change the
rules as you go along.

I love that girl, but sometimes
she's such a fuddy-duddy.

I heard that, bernice.

So sue me.

Last christmas,

I bought her a
cone-shaped brassiere

Like madonna has, and
she's yet to wear it.

I wish she'd put it on today.

I'm medication-free
for my surgery,

And I could use a
good, cheap high.

Y'all, I got it. I got it.

Charlene finally sent me
that number from england

Where you call
and hear princess di

Have a love chat with
her secret boyfriend.

You know that car salesman guy?

Isn't it something that we
both share this fatal weakness

For car salesmen?

You know, I've always felt
very connected to princess di.

First, we're the same
age, and now this.

You're practically
cosmic twins, carlene.

So anyway, I tried to
call from my house,

But I've got a bad
phone, you know,

So I thought we'd
call from here,

And I've also got
some tabloid excerpts,

So we can follow along as we go.

Ooh! Well, thank you, carlene.

Listening to the world's
richest white woman

Make kissy face
with her boyfriend

Is certainly this black
man's idea of paradise.

Unfortunately, I'm taking
bernice to admitting.

I completely forgot
about your surgery.

That's all right.

But if the princess says
something really raunchy,

Write it down for me.

No, ma'am. We'll wait
for you to get back.

I feel sorry for
that poor diana.

Boy, I don't. If you marry a
man who looks like a horse,

You got to expect some manure.

B.j.,

That's a terrible thing to say.

Why? It's what
everybody is thinking,

And no one has
the guts to say it.

I bet the only thing
the queen carries

In her jumbo-sized pocketbook

Is sugar cubes and carrots
to keep her kids happy.

Well, my heart just
bleeds for princess diana.

The saddest thing is,

She married charles
'cause she really loved him,

But he married her 'cause
she was the last virgin

Left in england.

Haven't we all heard
enough about diana?

Yes, she's the future
queen of england,

And, yes, she may
have a bad marriage,

And perhaps she is little more

Than a royal brood mare,

But the woman is
entitled to some privacy.

Carlene, if you
call that number,

All you'll be doing
is perpetuating

This repulsive media circus.

So you're saying you
don't want to listen?

I'm saying if you dial that
trash line from my phone,

I'll respond in the grand
old tradition of the monarchy,

And it'll be off with your head.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry I'm late. I had to
take the dog to the vet.

Bernice, I sure hope
everything goes o.k. Today.

Oh, sure. What could go wrong?

I'll just have a big laser
g*n pointed at my head.

Some trigger-happy nurse
could zap me into alpha centauri.

Bernice, we better get going.

Chill out.

Before I go,

This is my living will.

If anything goes wrong

And I become one of
those human zucchinis,

I want you to have
them yank my chain.

Uh, you mean pull your plug.

Whatever. Just do it.

Bernice, do we have
to talk about this?

Grow up, julia.

I'm saying when I go,
I want to go clean.

This whole death
thing is very overrated.

It's just like
shakespeare said...

"It seems to me most strange
that men should fear...

"Seeing that death,
a necessary end,

Will come when it will come."

Ms. Clifton, that
is so profound.

Yes, I know.

I have no idea what it means,

But it shuts 'em up every time.

O.k., Bernice. Let's get going.

If there is any malpractice,

Get that cute arnie
becker to handle my case.

Remember we had that
little conversation

About the difference
between real people

And television people?

What's your point?

My point is, when we
get to the hospital,

If you ask for a second
opinion from doogie howser,

You on your own.

Bye-bye.

I love that gal.

Mary jo, are you crying?

No, no. Ahem.

I... I'm fine. I'm
just... I'm worried.

Bernice is going to
be perfectly all right.

I'm not worried about bernice.

It's brownie.

You know dr. Rexwood thought
he was having complications

From being neutered,

But... Well, it seems
like it's more serious.

He's in surgery right now.

The doctor said he would call.

Thinks we might have
to put him to sleep.

Mary jo, I'm so sorry.

I just didn't expect it.

You know, brownie's
just part of the family.

Sure, he sheds and he has fleas

And that terrible
indigestion problem,

And lord knows, I wish there was

A reliable doggy breath mint,

But I just love that old dog.

Oh, goodness.

Well, it sounds like
you need cheering up.

Surprise! I've got the number

For the princess di sex tapes.

Doesn't that make
you feel better?

I can't believe we're paying $23

To listen to some guy

Call the princess
of wales squidgy.

[English accent] oh,
squidgy, laugh some more.

I love it when I
hear you laughing.

I don't want to know
what a person has to do

To earn a nickname like squidgy.

I love this part.
Listen. Listen.

[English accent] do you know

I'm happy when you're happy?

[English accent] I know.

And I cry when you cry.

Oh, squidgy, kiss me!

Cheese it. Here comes the queen.

I know what you were doing...

And we are not amused.

Actually, it
doesn't matter to me

What y'all do with
your time and money,

Because, incidentally, I'll
be collecting for this call.

It just seems pathetic to me

That three adults
can't figure out

Something better
to do with their time.

Now, julia, this is
history in the making.

Admit it... Haven't you been

The least bit curious yourself?

No, I haven't.

You can act prissy,

But remember, I've
seen you shake it

In front of the karaoke machine.

How's bernice?

She's fine. She's resting
comfortably upstairs

Watching her reruns
of the rockford files.

You know, julia,

I think she's getting
into that black eye patch.

She sang all the way
back from the hospital.

I had no idea there
were so many verses

To what do you do
with a drunken sailor?

She called me a saucy wench

And asked me to fetch
her a flagon of mead.

Ahoy, mateys.

I thought the doctor told you

To be still for a while.

Oh, I feel shipshape.

What happened to
the rest of the room?

Bernice, really, darling,

I think you should
lie down and rest.

I thought you were
watching the rockford files.

It's over. There's nothing
good on till studs,

So it's up to you.

Entertain me.

What did you have in mind?

Well, I wish I had
my medication back.

My arterial flow
is down to a trickle.

We can't give you
anything for an hour.

If I can't have my pills,

Then... Interpretive dance.

Well, I believe I left my
finger cymbals at home.

I know one. I do, really.

See, when I was in kindergarten

And charlene was
in the sixth grade,

I was her geography
report on hawaii.

I did a realistic portrayal
of a young native girl.

Charlene bought some crepe paper

And made me a
grass skirt and leis.

I wore my two-piece
bathing suit top.

Then she choreographed
a hawaiian dance

To elvis presley's rock-a-hula.

I think you've lost her.

Oh, bernice, look here.

I'm eating a pineapple.

Uh-huh. You losing
all of us now.

Should I take her upstairs?

No. She's fine.

Maybe bernice needs some quiet.

I'll take everybody to lunch,

And on the way, we can listen

To the rest of the
princess di sex tapes

On my car phone.

All right!

I'm waiting for the vet to call.

I'm going to stay with mary jo.

Oh, you sure?

[English accent] oh, squidgy,

I love to go to
lunch. Don't you?

Oh, yes, yes! Kiss me again!

The doctor said he'd
call. Maybe I should call.

Probably make you feel better.

Look at her sleeping.

Looks so sweet.

Never know she's such a p*stol.

Hi. This is mary jo shively.

Uh-huh. The doctor said
that he would call me.

O.k. He's getting on.

Hi, doctor.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

I see.

Would you let me think
about this for a little while?

All right. Thank you.

He thinks we have
to put him to sleep.

I guess it's the
right thing to do.

What do you think, julia?

I guess it is, if that's
what the doctor says.

I was really upset,

But i... I feel...

It's weird. I feel calm now.

I think you might be
a little bit in shock.

I don't know. I think
bernice is right

About this death thing.

It's just part of life.

I think, uh, maybe I
want to take a walk.

Well...

Maybe I'll take a walk with you.

Shouldn't you stay with bernice?

No, no. Bernice
is fine. She's fine.

She's dead to the world.

Not quite, missy.

Nobody's going
to put me to sleep.

Boy, I give them a living will,

And the next thing I know.

They're going to flip my switch.

I've got to do
something. I need help.

Think, bernice, think!

I know. Yes.
That's what I'll do.

Operator, I need a
number for a mr. Rockford.

Mr. Jim rockford.

Bernice, listen to me carefully.

We do not now, nor
have we ever planned

To euthanize you.

It was mary jo's dog.

[Bernice] oh, sure.

That's probably
what lizzie borden said

Right before she
went to the toolshed.

How did she get
this in her head?

I guess she overheard
us talking about the dog.

Bernice, come out
and we'll listen

To the princess di sex
tapes. Won't we, julia?

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

You can't bribe
me with royal smut.

Anthony, you have to
break the door down.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, go ahead. She
needs her medication.

All right, everybody.
Stand back.

Bernice, I'm going
to count to three

And break the door down.

Back away, 'cause I
don't want to hurt you.

All right, now. 1...

2...

3.

Why is it that every time

You women ask me
to do something,

Some part of my body
ends up not quite the same?

Anthony, why don't you
carry this humongous,

500-Pound table downstairs?

Anthony, b*at up
this hillbilly man

And his three neanderthal sons.

Anthony, jump on
this t*rture wheel

And let us spin you just once.

I'm not doing this
stuff anymore.

Did they hurt you? Do
you need mouth-to-mouth?

No, I'm o.k., Bernice.

Listen up, people.

You mess with my homeboy,

And I'll get busy with
you. Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Calm down. Calm down!

Nobody's going to
hurt you or anybody.

How do I know you're
telling me the truth?

I know you get
confused sometimes.

Yes, you do.

But if you can
remember one thing,

Just remember this...

What?

We love you. We care about you.

We would never, ever hurt you.

Do you understand?

Yes. I guess so.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I'm sorry. I wish I was
back on my medication.

It's all right, bernice.

It's an easy mistake.

Actually, it isn't, but let's
not talk about it anymore.

I'm sorry about your dog red,

But just remember...

It has eight more lives.

That's cats, bernice.

Oh. Sorry.

Mary jo, have you made
your peace with this thing?

Oh, I don't know. I guess so.

But somehow I just
can't keep from feeling

That I'm like some kind of
combination of cruella de ville

And the man that
sh*t bambi's mother.

I know this may be
completely unamerican to say,

But I blame walt disney

For making me feel like this.

I know just what you mean.

Old walt had a way
of sentimentalizing

Everything to do with animals.

He made the world
fall in love with a mouse!

You can put gloves
and pants on a mouse

And teach it to whistle dixie,

But when it comes
right down to it,

Mickey mouse was
nothing but vermin.

And if he came

Whistling and
tap-dancing into my kitchen,

I wouldn't sing along.

I'd call the orkin man.

Well, mary jo, listen.

I know this is hard,

But, sh**t, I grew
up in the country,

And I learned there,
as far as animals go,

Life and death is
part of the cycle.

My daddy told me, "darling,
don't you name those chickens

Unless you call them
lunch and supper."

That reminds me of
old general custer,

My uncle dude's
three-legged collie.

He wasn't born that way.

The general picked
fights with lawn mowers.

As far as he was concerned,

A lawn mower was a
bigger, louder dog.

So when the inevitable happened

With aunt nettie's grass king,

Well, the vet wanted to
put general custer to sleep,

And uncle dude
would not hear of it.

We had that dog for years.

Let me tell you
something, mary jo.

My mama had a teacup
toy poodle named jou-jou.

I swear it lived
to be 35 years old.

But the last five
years of her life,

My mama kept her
in a crib in pampers.

I have not led a sheltered life,

And I have seen many things,

And there is nothing sadder
than a poodle in a diaper.

At least she kept her alive.

This is not a
three-legged collie

Or a poodle in a
diaper type of situation.

The vet said the
treatments would be painful

And only prolong the inevitable.

My late husband had a
perfectly sweet parakeet...

Pixie clifton.

She had a heart att*ck, though,

And lingered for several
weeks in an oxygen tent.

It revived her briefly,

Till she pecked a
hole in it and d*ed.

That's a... Lovely
story, bernice.

I don't think any of us

Can come close to that story.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to laugh.

But it's just... I'm kind
of stuck on that image.

That's all right, mary jo.

Pixie loved to hear
people laughing.

Even in her tent,

She always enjoyed a good joke.

Maybe one reason it's so painful

Is that people know
they're going to die,

And animals have no
way of knowing that.

Pixie clifton knew.

That's why she pecked
so hard at that tent.

I think brownie knows.

No offense. I've
seen your brownie.

He's no pixie clifton.

Well, I'm sure
that's true, bernice.

But I do think that it's me

That's not accepting
what has to happen here.

Mary jo, maybe you
haven't really said goodbye.

Go down and tell brownie
what he's meant to you.

I wouldn't know what to say.

I mean... He's just
the most loyal friend

That I have had in
the whole world.

I mean, you know,
when ted left me,

I'd be up there in that
big old bed all by myself.

Brownie'd crawl up there with me

And keep me warm
those long nights.

I think it would be selfish

To let him go on in pain.

Well, that says it, mary jo.

You can tell him that.

I only hope you'll allow me

To sing bingo at the funeral.

♪ There was a farmer had a dog

♪ And bingo was his name-o

Thank you.

Thank you, bernice.

I'm sure mary jo
will keep that in mind

While she's making
the arrangements.

Excuse me. I got here
as fast as I could.

Where's bernice clifton?

Who's asking?

I'm jim rockford. She called me.

Poor mary jo.

It's been three days
since brownie's been gone.

She's still taking it hard.

Y'all, we have got to

Not mention anything
to do with dogs.

And that's hard, too, you know?

When you're with a bald person,

You talk about hairdos.

Or if you're with
a blind person,

You say, "well, you
see" or "look here..."

I think we get the point.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, mary jo. How
are you feeling today?

I feel a little better.
How's bernice?

Fine. She's milking it
so she can stay here.

She's upstairs sleeping.

Yeah. You know what
they say... "Let sleeping...

People lie."

But it's a beautiful day,

And since you're feeling better,

Maybe we should all
play hooky this afternoon.

Poteet industries has some
nice box seats at the stadium.

Why don't we take in a game?

Hey, mary jo, doesn't
that sound like fun?

We'll get some crackerjacks
and some peanuts,

Maybe get a hot...

Sausage product sandwich.

I see what you're trying to do.

You don't have to
tiptoe around me.

I did the right thing.

It's just that you're
so doggone sweet...

Doggone! I said it again!

Why do I do that?

It's o.k., Carlene.
I'm sad, but I'm fine.

Mary jo, I'm glad you're here.

I brought you a little
friend to ease your sorrow.

I told you I wasn't looking
to replace brownie.

What is it?

Sea monkeys.

Yes, yes, well,

That is a comfort. Thank you.

Julia, jim rockford is
coming by pretty soon

To pick me up for
our lunch date,

And here's 50 bucks
for the phone.

Jimbo and I called that
princess di hot line last night,

And you know, I think
that squidgy talk

Really revved his engines.

Give me that, bernice.
O.k., I've had enough.

Nobody is calling this
line again from this house.

I refuse to allow
these sleaze mongers

To make another penny off a
fellow human being's misfortunes.

Oh, julia, get off it.

You're dying to call
that number yourself.

I was with you in the bookstore

When we skimmed diana... Her
true story for four hours.

And it seems to me that I recall

Someone dragged
me out of bed at 4 a.m.

To watch chuck
and di get married.

You even insisted we wear hats.

Don't you have a ballgame?

Aren't you coming?

No. I want to stay and
help bernice get packed.

You sure you don't
mind us leaving you?

No! Go on, go
on. It'll be great.

O.k. Bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Well, bernice, why
don't you go on upstairs

And get started?

I've just got a couple of things

I have to do down here.

Hello, I'd like the
international operator, please.

Yes. I'd like to call
london, england.

Caught you, squidgy!