07x16 - Sex, Lies and Bad Hair Days

[bunniefuu]

Here she comes.

And remember, don't
mention her birthday.

Hi, b.j.! Hi, b.j.! Hi, b.j.!

Hi, b.j. Hi, b.j. Hi, b.j.

I'm sorry, y'all.

I don't know what
just came over me.

Maybe it's the realization

That in an impulsive
moment of stupidity

I just made myself the victim

Of public humiliation

And ruined my entire life!

B.j., What did you do?

She's changed her hairdo.

How'd you know?

Because that's the
kind of thing women do

When they come up
against a milestone event.

They either sell their house

Or decide to become a therapist

Or go completely crazy
and change their hair.

Well, thank you, mary jo.

I came in here feeling
like I was stupid.

Now I know it's worse.

I'm a stupid cliche.

Don't you feel
too bad about that.

When she turned 60,

My aunt wilma went to the barber

And had him shave her head

To within half an
inch of her scalp.

She looked great!

No. No, I'm sorry.

That was my uncle wilber.

My aunt wilma

Had the hysterectomy.

Carlene, she doesn't
want to show it to us now.

Perhaps b.j. Would like to wait

Until she's not so depressed.

You think I did this
because I was depressed?

No! No! No!

I thought you might want to wait

A couple of days,

Give your new hairdo
a chance to relax.

Oh, julia, 16 valium
and a week in aruba

Won't make this hairdo relax.

I don't know why I did this.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

I can't stand it anymore.

Y'all want to see it, fine.

But I know

That as my closest friends

Who are aware that they are

My only link to
the world of sanity,

That they will
not only receive it

With an open mind,

But they will... Love it.

Oh, b.j.

That's not all that bad.

I... I like it.

It's good. It's good.

It's cute.

Y'all don't have to lie
just 'cause I told you to.

O.k. It sucks.

Now, look,

I think if you pull the
bangs over this way, maybe,

And then just poofed it up...

I don't need to be patronized.

If you won't take our word,

Then ask a man.

Anthony's a man. Anthony,
what do you think?

Do you like it?

It's fine.

Anthony,

That was a simple question,

And you didn't answer it.

Do you like it?

Julia, that is not
a simple question,

Because no matter
what my answer is,

I am going to be wrong!

Now, a simple question is,

What is the molecular
structure of uranium?

A simple question would be,

What is the distance in meters

Between venus and mars?

"Anthony, do you like her hair?"

Is not a simple question.

That's the mother
of all questions.

With you ladies,
nothing is simple.

Simple is a place I don't
even go to anymore.

Point taken.

But...

Do you like it?

B.j.,

I have always found you

An extremely attractive woman,

And now I find you almost
unbearably beautiful.

Oh, well! Thank you, anthony.

Isn't that nice?

Talk is cheap, sister.

B.j., I noticed when
carlene, julia, and I

Said you looked nice, it
didn't seem to mean much,

But when anthony
said you looked nice,

You just lit right up.

There's a big difference
between looking nice

And looking
unbearably beautiful.

Boy, you know it.

It is different

When a man finds you attractive.

With a man you get flowers,

Dancing under the
stars, and dinner.

Then you fall in love,

He becomes your bodyguard,

And you got a top-10
hit on the charts.

Thank you, but I'm not
looking for a top 10-hit

Or a bodyguard.

Maybe you should
be looking for a date.

Thank you, mary jo,

But the last thing I
need right now is a date.

Where did that concept

That every woman's problem
can be solved by a date

Come from, anyway?

That was my idea, julia.

Like that's going
to fix everything.

If a woman has a
migraine headache,

Find her a man.

If her car breaks
down, find her a man.

If she is a split
personality, find her a man!

Or two men.

Now, b.j., Come on.

Don't tell me it hasn't
crossed your mind

That it might be nice
to spend your birthday

Sitting across
from an adoring hunk

Who can't take his eyes off you,

Knows it's your birthday,

And doesn't even
ask how old you are.

Yes, mary jo, I plead
guilty to such thoughts.

Whoo!

But I don't think
I'm going to find him

Between now and my birthday.

It took me one time
to find dwayne dawber.

That should send the
flares of motivation

Ascending into the sky for her.

My ex-husband
ted has a friend...

Mary jo.

Ted?

I don't think so.

I could fix you up with
big tony at tony's pizzeria.

Do you know why
they call him big tony?

Because he can
balance a calzoni on his...

Bernice!

As much as I do not want
to get involved in this,

It seems clear that any hope
of b.j.'S having a successful date

Will depend upon
my intervention.

So, b.j...

Hayden and I used to know

This darling couple,
the davenports.

They were married
happily for 25 years,

And she d*ed a few years ago,

And I understand that
louis is dating again now.

He's shy and gentle

With a kindly
professorial manner.

It'll be more like...

Having a friend with
you than having a date.

Tell me more about tony.

B.j.

It is really nice to meet you.

Julia raved about you,
and that's high praise.

Did you hit any
traffic on the way?

Two cars, but don't
worry. I'm insured.

It was a joke.

Oh, oh!

I'm sorry.

It's just that, uh,

Date jokes are different
from nondate jokes

Because you never
know whether to laugh...

But ha ha!

I'm just a little nervous.
First date and all.

I just have to get
my feet wet again.

I've got a jacuzzi back home.

It's another joke, right?

Something to drink?

Club soda, please.

I'll have the same
with a splash of vodka.

So... Julia tells
me you're a widow.

How long has your
husband been dead?

Excuse me?

Is that a sensitive
subject? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not good at small talk.

So... How'd he die?

I think we can
change the subject.

I'm sorry.

You are a very beautiful woman,

And I want you to feel as
comfortable as you can.

So, have you been tested?

Excuse me, louis?

You know, the test.

Who knows who
anybody's been with

In the last decade?

I have. See?

Negative.

Well.

And you had it laminated, too.

And gold embossed.
How impressive.

Do you think we could
change the subject again?

Oh, sure. Um...

Did I tell you that I believe

In a woman's right to choose?

Oh. There's a subject I
feel a little more qualified

To talk about.

Great. So, which
do you prefer...

Ribbed or glow-in-the-dark?

I'm sorry, I'm just not ready

For dating in the nineties.

I fancy myself many things,

But naive is not one,

So when a strange man offers me

A glow-in-the-dark
condom as an aperitif,

That's when I put the brakes on.

So... You're saying
he was forward.

Fast forward.

The man is a martial
artist of safe sex.

Call me old-fashioned,

But to me safe sex means
having a dead husband.

This is not the louis I know.

I am horrified.

I feel personally responsible.

It's not your fault, julia.

I don't understand

Why men get like this.

Anthony, you're a man.

Explain that to me.

Uh-uh.

And while you're at it,

Explain to me

Why a man can't just enjoy

Being out with a
beautiful woman like b.j.

And not have to think of her

As a potential conquest.

And tell me why,

If a woman is remotely
friendly to a man,

He thinks that she
wants to sleep with him.

Uh-uh!

And explain to me

Why d*ck cavett keeps
getting more talk shows

When nobody
listens to him anyway.

Tell us why men
behave the way they do.

I don't know.

I don't know why men do
the things that they do.

That's why I work with women.

All I know is, I have
had enough dating.

I'm afraid the more men I date,

The more... I'll miss
my sweet james.

You know, the late mr. Clifton

Always used to say,
"bernice"... He called me that...

"Bernice.

"Bernice, when I die,

"I don't want you
ever to remarry again.

"And if you do,

I'll dig my way out of
the grave and haunt you."

Oh, my goodness.
Didn't that scare you?

Not really. I buried
him upside down.

Well, I just feel
like this whole thing

Is all my fault.

I went against my
better judgment,

And I got involved in
your private affairs.

Now I'm going to
have to rectify this.

What are you doing, julia?

I am finding b.j. The right man.

I think I'm fine.

No, you're not, b.j.

And you know why you're not?

'Cause this incident could
prejudice your opinion

Of dating and men forever.

I hope I haven't kept
you waiting too long, b.j.

No, I just arrived myself.

It's nice to meet you, wayne.

The pleasure is all mine.

You know, you're even
prettier than you sound,

If that makes any sense.

I'm sorry. I, uh,

I just haven't been dating much.

Oh, believe me, I understand.

You're not going to pull out

Any laminated cards, are you?

B-beg your pardon?

Ah, never mind.

Let's just say I haven't
had the best of luck

In this restaurant.

Is that forever
perfume you're wearing?

You smell great.

Thank you, wayne. You...
Smell great yourself.

No. I mean you really
smell beautiful.

You never know

What somebody's
going to like, do you?

Do you have the time?

Don't you find in this
crazy, mixed-up, nutty world

That people don't
know how to commit?

Well, that's not my problem.

Well, good.

I know that you believe that.

I can tell, because I can
see sincerity in your eyes.

You have sincere eyes.

And you, too, wayne.

You know, I've got a
real special feeling

About us.

A feeling about us?

That's funny. I've got a
feeling about just you.

No, I mean we belong
together, you and i.

I... I... I'm not
sure, wayne, if...

I know what's good for me.

You are just right for me.

Well, i... I... I think...

Can't you just see us

In our beautiful home together

On a rambling, rolling 100 acres

At christmas time,

Our perfect tree...

I...

You on my arm at
the company party.

If we get in those applications
for preschool now,

Our children will get
into the very best ones.

Have I told you how
beautiful you are?

Could I buy you a car?
What car would you like?

Help.

What?

B.j., I don't want
to appear to beg,

But if you could just
throw me one crumb,

One grain,

Something to allow me to believe

That my taste and discernment

Have not vanished entirely.

Uh-uh.

I see.

Well, that was honest.

Thank you.

You don't suppose the fact that

Both those dates turned
into disastrous fiascos

Could possibly have
had anything to do

With your hair?

As you would say, julia,

I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.
Julia goes like this.

She goes...

"I don't think so."

No, no. It's more like this.

"I don't think so."

Well, I just hate
to spoil the fun

Y'all are obviously
having at my expense,

But I am, in fact, feeling fine,

Because although
b.j. May not have a date,

She is fully restored
and back in possession

Of her natural
antagonistic ways,

And I take credit for that.

Julia, I give you that,

Because I've learned two things

In this testosterone rodeo.

Number one...

Don't save your
old business cards.

And number two...

You don't need a man

To help celebrate the
milestone occasions in your life

When you have friends

Who care as much
about your happiness

As I have right here.

B.j.

That was a kodak moment.

Listen, girls,

Laminated card
holders may come and go,

But friendship is forever.

Here, here.

You just think of all
the women in history

Who have made their mark

Without a man on their arm.

Gloria steinem.

Yeah. Here, here.

Joan of arc.

Yeah. Here, here.

Martina navratilova.

What?

Here's to all of us.

I never thought
I'd have a good time

In this restaurant again.

B.j.

There's a very cute man

Sitting at that
table over there.

Well, that's nice, carlene.

He's been staring at
you since you walked in.

Carlene, we were
trying to make a point.

It is important for women

To acknowledge their
solidarity with each other.

B.j...

To celebrate my birthday

The way that it
should be celebrated,

I am officially declaring this

A cow-punching, bronco-busting,

Knock-down, drag-out
ladies' night out.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

I hope I'm not intruding.
My name's justin harvey.

I'm all alone over
there. Could I join you?

We were having a kind
of private celebration.

I don't know.

What do you think, julia?

What do I think?

Well, ahem.

I think I'm going
to powder my nose.

Would anyone care to come along?

I think I'll powder
my nose, too.

Well, uh...

Then, uh,

I guess it would be all right.

Well...

You haven't told me your name.

Uh, it's b.j. B.j. Poteet.

Is that like bond... James bond?

That's funny.

You got a good sense of humor.

Well, I wish my sense
of people was as good.

I was sitting over there
watching you laugh,

Tossing back your
head and smiling.

You look like a little
girl on her birthday.

All of a sudden,
I feel like one.

I just thought I'd
take some rolls.

We're getting hungry in there.

Oh, don't be silly, julia.

Sit down, and I'll go
get everyone else

And tell them to come back.

Tell me if he is as
perfect as I think he is.

Well.

Well. We haven't met.

I'm julia sugarbaker.

B.j. And I work together.

She's a wonderful friend
and a wonderful woman.

Oh, I'm sure she is.

There's something
so, uh, dignified

And refined about her.

Any man... Be hard
not to notice.

Well, it's nice
that you noticed.

Whereas with you,
miss sugarbaker, uh...

Even your name conjures
something so sweet and hot...

A man immediately
pictures himself

With you on a white shag rug,

Sitting in front
of a blazing fire,

And those long, sleek,
perfect legs of yours wrapped...

Thank you, mr. Harvey.

Would you excuse
me for just a moment?

Honey. Yeah.

I'm going to be working
late at the office.

Don't wait up, and
kiss the kids for me.

Hi. Hi.

Hey.

Our friends will
be back in a minute.

We'll sit here and
keep you company.

You don't mind if we get in
here next to you, do you?

Hey! I got here first.

I saw him first.

Did not.

I did, too.

Did, too! Did not!

Isn't that just like a woman?

Best friends, and
a man comes along

And then it's every
woman for herself.

Mmm.

Is that forever cologne I smell?

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

That's really sweet and...

Hot.

Mmm. I smelled
it first, mary jo.

Ladies, rest assured I smell
enough for both of you.

Handsome, smells,

And a sense of humor.

Have you been tested?

Excuse me?

You know. The test.

Yes, justin. What do you prefer?

Ribbed, or glow-in-the-dark?

How about one for each of you?

Ow!

You know, uh, we have a jacuzzi

Over at our place.

We do not.

We do, too.

Oh, yes, we do.

So maybe we could
get our friends

And just all of us just
mosey on out of here.

Sure.

Oh, and here are our friends.

Well, beauty, grace,
and perfect timing.

So...

You think the four of you

Can, uh, handle me?

Well, mr. Harvey,

I think I can handle
you all by myself.

You see, it's not just
that you offended us

With your lurid advances.

It's not just that you
way overestimate d

Your attractiveness.

It's not even that
you're the kind of man

Mothers spend years
warning their daughters about.

The biggest mistake
you made, mr. Harvey,

Other than that tie,

Is that you tried
to come between us.

Does that mean I'm not
going to get anything?

Actually, it's b.j.'S birthday.

We're going to let
her give it to you.

Thank you, julia.

This is the best
birthday I ever had.

Anthony, what
are you doing here?

Well, I figured if I
have to sit through

The bad haircuts and
the dates from hell,

I might as well be here
for the celebration.

You got here just in time.

If you'll excuse us,

We now have a
date with a real man.