07x17 - Shovel Off to Buffalo

[bunniefuu]

Mary jo, you said, "wait
till we get to the house."

We're at the house.

You said, "wait till you get
around people we can trust."

We're around
people we can trust.

Tell me what we have inside here

That we had to sneak
out of your garage,

Jimmy hoffa?

I wish. That would
be easier to explain.

I have had... The
strangest morning.

Me, too.

I washed my face,
brushed my teeth,

Had a little breakfast,
then got dressed.

Bernice, that sounds
perfectly normal.

I agree.

So why were all those people
in that walmart so upset?

No. I'm talking
about the strangest,

Most bizarre morning.

My neighbor phil,

The weird one who
talks really loud

Because he's had ringing
in his ears for 10 years,

He came over to
borrow my weed whacker.

We were looking
around in the garage,

And all of a sudden,
I heard this gasp.

The color has completely
drained from his face.

He's as white as...

As white as michael jackson.

Cut to the chase.

All right...

But y'all are not
going to believe this.

Whoa.

What the hell is that?

Mary jo...

That's right.

The face of elvis has
appeared on my shovel.

Uh, well, now...

This is... It's creepy.

Creepy? Uh-uh. This is bad.

It's amazing. Bernice,
come look at this.

No, thanks.

Call me when you get a
hubcap with marky mark on it.

Obviously this is just some
strange reflection in the metal.

Well, I certainly hope so.

What else would it be?

A sign, a sign from god.

That's right, carlene.

I'm sure he's with a
desk full of telephones

Saying, "line 1... Somalia,

"Line 2... Haitian refugees...

"Wait. Hold my calls.

I got to put the face of
elvis on mary jo's shovel."

What's the big deal

About seeing elvis'
face in a snow shovel?

I once saw the
face of paul newman

In a bottle of salad dressing.

Now, that was a shocker.

Did you try to wipe it off?

Yes, but I couldn't get
my hand in the bottle.

Mary jo, did you
try to wipe it off?

All I could think of was,

"Get rid of it before weird
phil spreads word all over town

And I got a bunch of bad
lounge acts outside my door."

So you brought it
here. How thoughtful.

Don't you see, mary jo?

You have been chosen.

I have not been chosen, carlene.

This is not the price is right.

There is nothing
right about this.

It's just not normal.

Anthony, you're not
superstitious, are you?

Julia...

During my unfortunate
incarceration,

My cellmate mr. T. Tommy reed

Delved into the occult.

Well, at first we
all laughed at him.

Then one night, he did
this incantation on himself,

And his body started shaking,

His eyes bulged out of his head,

And I swear he became possessed

By maurice chevalier.

I'm telling you,

The sight of that
300-pound, 6'3" convict

Tipping around
that cell and singing,

♪ Every little breeze
seems to whisper louise

It was just so scary

That we swore we would
never, ever even talk

About anything
supernatural again.

We wouldn't even
watch bewitched.

Rest assured, anthony,

There's nothing occult
about this shovel.

It's just some freak
accident of nature.

There are no accidents, julia.

I'm going to see

If we've got anything
to wipe it off with.

Will somebody bring
it over to the sink?

Oh, what the hell
is wrong with us?

It's just the face of elvis.

It's not joey buttafuoco.

Oh, my god!

I feel something!

Aah!

Oh, I feel... I feel...

♪ I feel so lonely I could cry

Very funny, b.j. Very funny.

Thanks.

Isn't this just my luck?

Wouldn't you know it?

If elvis was going to
appear on my shovel,

It would be during
his overweight period.

It's not coming out, mary jo.

I can see that, b.j.

Try using porcelana.

It's not coming out

Because we're dealing with
something bigger than we are.

I've tried to
impress that on y'all.

Have you not seen the exorcist?

This is some kind of fluke.

Well, whatever it is,

I'm going to put it
back into this carpet,

And I'm going to put
it back in the closet

And pretend this never happened.

I'll get it.

Phil.

She's the one with the shovel.

Don't y'all have a life?

How many people
are out there now?

Not counting the living
tableaux of the last suppe r

Catered by taco bell,

I'd say about 50.

Oh.

Ms. Clifton, get in here.

Don't cry for me, argentina.

You're cramping my style.

She was outside selling
tickets to see the shovel.

I cannot believe people
could be so gullible

As to stand out in my driveway

And put their faith in
something as ludicrous

As a snow shovel.

I cannot believe this
is happening to me.

Why me? Why elvis?

Why not ed mcmahon's face
on a million-dollar check?

Mary jo, why not get rid of it?

I haven't wanted to get
rid of anything so much

Since the last
presidential election,

But what am I supposed to do?

I've been giving
this some thought,

And "elvis" spelled
backwards is "sivle."

The word "civil"
means "for the people."

So why don't you give
the shovel to the people?

On the other hand,
maybe elvis has a message

He wants to send through you.

Well, I've got a message
to send back to him.

Get off my shovel!

Mary jo shively?

All right.

May I have a moment
of your time?

My name is jade herman.

I'm an expert in the
paraspectacular.

What?

I market and promote everything

From jesus' face on a toaster

To ufos landing in a
wheat field outside london.

Would you be interested
in a freckle formation

In the shape of a cheese danish?

No, thank you.

Prune danish?

It could go either way.

No.

I'm interested in a shovel

With the face of elvis on it.

She wants my shovel.

You going to take
it out of here?

That depends.

I have to assess
its authenticity.

If it's real, I'll
market it for you.

That's my business... The
paraspectacular paraphernalia.

Well, pardon my
paranoia, but it seems

You having made a
successful business out of this

Strikes me as a bit odd.

And the face of elvis
on a shovel is normal?

You wait right there.

Mary jo, I don't
trust that woman.

Julia, she wants the shovel.

You're going to love this, jade.

You can practically
hear him singing.

Mary jo, I'm not surprised
by your enthusiasm.

It shows what a
receptive spirit you have.

Ta-da!

Oh. The fat period.

Yeah, but his sideburns

Are just the way I
remember them in blue hawaii.

Notice the clarity.

You can almost see
ann-margret sitting next to him.

All right, here's
what we're going to do.

You've heard of
the shroud of turin?

We'll call this the
shovel of shively.

We'll exhibit it
across the country...

Museums, religious
groups, the rose parade.

We got to get the buzz out.

Get it out. I like that.

Excuse me. I'm just curious.

Jade, what's in this for you?

I won't lie, sir.

Satisfaction...

The joy of bringing spirituality
to these people's empty lives...

And 50% of all profits.

Profits?

You mean, I'm going
to make money on this?

Oh, this is great.
I love this woman.

Julia, I love this woman!

Excuse me, jaded.

Just jade.

Oh. Well, just jade,

Let me just get this straight.

Uh-oh. You've heard of
the shovel of shively?

Now witness the jaws of julia.

I have the utmost respect

For people who see an
opportunity and seize it.

However, when that
transaction requires profiteering

From people's faith,

However misplaced or
misguided that faith may be,

Then that amounts to,
in a word, exploitation,

And that's not nice, jade.

Now you want my
friend mary jo shively

To compromise her integrity

And jump into that
snake pit with you?

I don't think so.

For 50% of the profit, julia,

A shovel-free 50%.

Sounds like a real
good business deal to me.

It's a great deal.
It's a done deal.

Have you just completely
lost your mind?

Have I lost my mind?

Julia, it's a shovel.

If it makes people happy
to worship a shovel,

Who are we to
stand in their way?

Unless you are suggesting
that I hold out for 60%,

What is your problem?

My problem is,

You are aiding and abetting
this woman's cheap trade!

And on you, ms. Mary jo shively,

That is not very attractive.

Fine.

We'll do it your way, julia.

I'll just go out there

And appeal to these
people's better judgment,

To their higher
sense of principle.

I'll just tell them
they're all fools

And to go home.

Phil...

Listen to me.

There are finer things
to put your faith in

Than a shovel.

It is just cheap... Aluminum.

Put your faith in your church,

Your god, yourself!

But, phil, really.

A shovel?

Go home! Elvis has
left the building.

Oh, my god.

I could hear her.

The ringing is gone!

I've been healed!

Praise mary jo shively!

Are you happy now, julia?

This has gone from bad to worse.

I say we get that phil in here

And let him know in
no uncertain terms

That was no miracle.

And if that doesn't work,

Put the ringing
back in his ears.

That's a very good idea.

Uh, phil, could you put down
that myrrh and frankincense

And come in here a second?

Me? You want me to come inside?

Yes, phil, if you please.

We'd like to have

A friendly chat with
you. Please sit down.

Uh, here, on the couch?

Sit.

So, phil, about this miracle...

Isn't it great?

I haven't been able
to hear in 10 years.

I missed the last 50
episodes of dallas.

Oh, well, you didn't miss much.

Victoria principal got
that cosmetic surgery...

Carlene. Off track.

Uh, phil...

There's a big difference
between a miracle

And a coincidence.

A miracle is bushes
burning, seas parting,

Dolly parton,

That kind of stuff.

A coincidence is when
somebody touches your shoulder

And you get your hearing back.

You're not the one
who was doomed

To hear for the
rest of your life

This shrill, high-pitched tone.

Say what you
want, it is a miracle.

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything.

Anthony, perhaps you
could be more convincing.

You think so?

I think you should
give it a try.

Phil, now, what you experienced

May have seemed like a miracle.

You may have felt the power

Of a woman's hand
on your shoulder

Healing your afflictions,

But in reality, it was
something inexplicable.

Something not of this world.

Be scared, man!

It's the unknown!

It could destroy us all!

It could destroy you, it
could destroy everyth...

Thank you, anthony.

That was very useful.

I think it's time to go.

I'll walk you to the
door, how about that?

That'd be good. O.k.

Yeah. Phil, it was a miracle.

It really was.

O.k. Bye-bye now.

Well, think we convinced him?

Oh, my word. Mary jo!

Come in here.

Like I need this.

People chanting
at me till all hours.

Shoving incense in my face.

Pelting me with crystals.

I'm sure they have
healing powers,

But when they're coming
at you at 30 miles an hour,

They're rocks.

I can't even get
in the front door

Without people screaming at me.

You'd think I was madonna.

No, I wouldn't.

Nobody said it would
be easy to be a saint.

Carlene, I am not a saint.

If she is, she's
a low-level one.

Look at what's out there...

Allergies, hiccups,
chapped lips.

We're not exactly putting
lourdes out of business.

Mary jo, I've gotten phone calls

From as far away as buffalo.

Everyone wants you. It's
not just the shovel anymore.

You are the selling point.

Me?

And you're very promotable.

With that flaming red
hair and that cherub face,

You're not paranormal,
you're photogenic.

Well, thank you for
the compliment, jade,

But I'm not a miracle worker.

I'm just a 9:00-to-5:00 worker,

And all I want

Is my life back to
its pre-shovel days.

Mary jo, I know exactly
how you're feeling.

You're nervous. You're doubtful.

But let's face facts.

God is working through you now.

God working miracles
through mary jo?

I don't think so.

Well, why not, julia?

Well, if god were going
to choose someone

To work through,

He might pick someone
who was extremely devout,

Someone whose entire life

Had been a shining
example of faith and virtue.

And who am i, julia,

Squeaky fromme?

I think you underestimate
mary jo, julia.

After all, a man was
healed by her touch.

Or by accident or by coincidence

Or by his own belief.

How can you be so
sure it was mary jo?

How can you be
so sure it wasn't?

I know I'm feeling something

Radiating from mary jo.

You know, it's true.

I have been feeling
sort of energized lately.

Lighter, somehow.

It must be all that hot air.

Everybody feels
that at the beginning.

You're just on the threshold
of your full potential.

Mary jo, do you really believe

That of all the people
in the whole world,

God has picked you,
little mary jo shively?

And why not me, julia?

What's wrong with me?

Little mary jo shively

Was apparently powerful enough

To inspire those
people out there.

Right, jade?

Get a grip, mary jo.

Sonny bono could inspire
those people out there.

That's so like you, julia.

Trying to hold me back.

How do you know what god wants?

Did you have lunch
with tammy fay bakker?

Did the almighty
call you personally

And say, "don't let little
mary jo have sainthood"?

Is she inspiring, or what?

It doesn't matter
what you think, julia.

It doesn't even
matter what I think.

What matters is that
someone has been healed,

And however it happened,

It happened through me...

And I owe it to the people.

Come on, jade.

And, julia...

I heal your bad attitude!

Whoa. That was jade.

She called to say

Mary jo's on a.m. Atlanta.

Turn the channel.

I understand that your coworkers

Had some difficulty
accepting this phenomenon.

Oh, no. Not really.

Unless you want to
count julia sugarbaker.

Madam skeptic.

And, uh...

Anthony bouvier was just scared,

But that was only because

Of some experience that he'd had

With maurice
chevalier in prison.

She's dead. I'll k*ll her.

So, phil, what's it like

Having your hearing back

After all these years?

It's really a wonderful thing.

It's like I was saying,

My world has come alive again.

I can hear birds singing and...

I can hear planes flying...

And I can hear a ringing,

A loud ringing in my ear.

Phil?

It's back!

This is amazing.

It's back! The ringing is back!

Phil, you're really loud.

Miss shively... Heal him!

Me?

N-n-n-now?

I don't think you can heal

The same person twice.

Miss shively, this must
be happening for a reason.

You have this ability.

Go!

Uh, phil...

Phil, I'm going to
heal you again, o.k.?

She's not really
going to try this.

Oh, she's going to try this.

You feel anything?

What? I can't hear you.

Would it help to be
closer to the shovel?

Yes. That's a good idea.

I knew something was wrong.

Phil...

Elvis says heal!

Heal, damn it!

My hands are getting warm.

I feel the power

Coursing through my body.

We're on tv.

My children are watching.

Heal, damn it!

He's fine!

He's fine now.

What? I can't hear you.

I want my weed whacker back!

Heal! Heal! Heal!

Oh, my back! My back!

This woman is trying to k*ll me.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to return a
book to the library.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I stopped by the grocery store.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You saw it, didn't you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I don't know what got into me,

Thinking that I was
the messenger of god.

Well, as jobs go, the
benefits are good,

And you couldn't
have a better boss.

When I watched
you there on the tv

Making a fool of yourself,

I realized I wanted
you to heal that man,

Because deep down,
all of us want to believe

That you are exactly
the kind of person

God would choose
to work his miracles...

True-hearted,
loyal, hard-working,

And, I'm sure, forgiving.

Well...

See there? You do work miracles.

You healed julia
of her bad attitude.

I'll be glad when I
can come to work

Without looking at that shovel.

Oh, that shovel.

What are we going
to do with this shovel?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.