07x20 - The Lying Game

[bunniefuu]

Hey, y'all.

You remember eric?

How have you been?

I've been great. Oh, and I
brought something for you.

After our last conversation,

I thought that you
might enjoy this.

Southern suffragettes...
Ringing in the belles.

How nice. Thank you.

Anthony, you were
right about that workout.

If I visualize the
muscles as I'm doing it,

It helps push me
through that last rep.

Check this out.

How about that?

I got to call my secretary.
Can I use the phone?

Use the one right there.

Well, isn't he just as
great as the last time?

He's like fine wine, carlene...
Better with every week.

Honey, I could
drink a case of him.

Whoo!

He's so perfect for me.

I've never had so much fun,

That includes
trips to dollywood.

Sorry, i, uh,

I'm in the middle of a big case.

My client asked his wife what
she wanted for her birthday.

She said a divorce.

He was hoping for
something less expensive.

Do you know what
eric has on his car?

He has a bumper
sticker that says...

"Lawyers have better briefs."

That's how we met.

'Cause I was driving
in front of him,

Trying to read it in my mirror,

Except my mirror says, "objects
are closer than the appear,"

So, uh, he rear-ended me.

It was so romantic.

Ted and I met in a
very romantic way.

He accidentally
bumped his arm into me.

He said, "if your heart
is as soft as your body,

I'm sure you'll forgive me."

And I said, "if the
rest of your body

Is as hard as your elbow,
here's my phone number."

Speaking of phone numbers,

I've got the box
office phone number

Where we were going
to get season tickets.

Here it is.

I'll have to see if
I can schedule it.

Eric's real busy.

Three nights a week,

I don't even get to see him.

So we're going to take a
nice weekend vacation away,

Just the two of us.

We are still talking about it.

I have got to go.

It's been great
to see y'all again.

Y'all get more lovely
and entertaining each time.

I'll walk out with you.

Great. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

Well, I think our carlene

Has found herself
a nice young man.

I'm so glad she's happy.

I don't trust him.

You know who I don't
trust? That peter jennings.

How come you never
see the back of his head?

Now, b.j.,

He's likable and charming.

Why would you not trust him?

Every time carlene
brought up future plans,

He finessed his way out of them.

He won't see her three
nights out of the week,

No weekend getaway.

That's not conclusive.

I hold to my theory.

Until eric becomes a
category on jeopardy!,

I'd like to remind you

That mr. Reynolds
is coming tomorrow.

We have to have all
that paperwork done.

I saw his file on
carlene's desk.

Would you look at that?

Eric left his day runner.

You can still catch him.

Yes, that's one choice.

B.j.!

I was just thinking
maybe we could, uh,

You know, look through it

And just see what we can see.

Put that down right now.

I already touched the leather.

He'll walk in and bust you.

Cover me.

O.k.

If you look at that day runner,

It'll make you
seem like a snoop.

I'll lose respect for you.

Deal.

They're kissing. Make it quick.

B.j., Give me that.

Give it!

Fine. Let's see, here's
a receipt from the...

Marigold dress shop?

Made out to mrs. Eric hobart.

Let me see that.

Mrs. Eric hobart?
He's a married man?

Carlene is in love
with a married man?

Here she comes.

Somebody tell her.

I will.

No, bernice.

Nobody's going to say anything.

All we have now
are our suspicions.

First, we have to confront eric.

When she comes in,
nobody says boo to carlene.

Isn't he great?

Boo!

Did you call eric?

What did he say?

I told him to come
here right away.

We had something
important to discuss.

He started making excuses.

He said he was on
his way to a meeting.

He's married.

Then he said tonight
wasn't the best night.

Married.

Then he said he'd have
to change his clothes.

He's married and a messy eater.

Then I told him we
found the receipt.

Big, long silence.

And he said, "well, I
won't change my clothes.

I'll just come right on over."

So what's the plan?

If we find out
that he is married,

We'll let him know,
in no uncertain terms,

That he is the
slime of the earth,

That he ought to be
quarantined on a desert island

With nothing for entertainment

But an album of pavarotti
singing it's a small world.

And if he isn't married?

You're the one who said he was.

Anyway, what else could he be?

B.j...

It's eric.

Look, I know what
you're thinking,

So let me explain.

First of all...

I'm not gay.

I'm a heterosexual guy

Who just happens to enjoy
dressing up in women's clothes.

Well, uh...

That's just what
we were thinking...

That a heterosexual guy

Who likes dressing up...

In women's clothing.

What could be more natural?

Unusual?

Uh, so have a seat.
Where are our manners?

Uh, can we get you
anything? Uh, tea?

Coffee?

Tea would be fine.

I'll get it.

I don't mind.

It'll be my pleasure.

Actually, I can do
without the tea.

I'd rather just talk.

Fine.

Talking is good.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, I know this must
seem rather odd to you,

But three nights a week,

I go out with men
who dress like me.

Has anyone ever told you
you resemble tori spelling?

All the time.

Ahem. Eric,

We don't want you to
feel uncomfortable.

Uh, we're very aware

That there are some people

Who have dressed up like you

Throughout history.

George sand.

Marlene dietrich.

Henry kissinger.

Well...

Well.

Well, now, eric,

Are you feeling
more comfortable?

Oh, yes, thanks.

Good.

'Cause I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are, julia.

B.j., He's in a dress.

But it's a nice dress.

Although that
scarf is a bit busy.

No, b.j., I think the
scarf matches fine.

Thank you.

Ahem. Eric, it's just that, uh,

I consider myself a
rather enlightened woman.

I have read the articles.

I have even, during a very
nasty bout with asian flu,

Seen sally jessy raphael.

But, more than I want to
know exactly why you do this,

I want to know if
you've told carlene.

I wanted to. I just
didn't have the courage.

So, when you called,

I decided this is it.

So, here I am. Now
I'll have to tell her.

You know, you have
very large ankles.

Thank you.

Ohh! Anthony's
unloading the van.

You have no idea

What a pain it was
finding that fabric.

Sorry. I don't think
we've met. Mary jo.

Uh, mary jo, you remember eric?

Carlene's eric.

Do I remember carlene's eric?

What do you mean?

Carlene's eric?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

I... I don't know what to say.

I'll just sit here
with the girls.

These girls.

Mary jo, eric does this for fun.

Have you ever tried
nude skeet sh**ting?

I'm so sorry.

I really didn't mean to...

To go on like that.

I... I didn't remember that...

You were so pretty.

Oh, well, thank you.

Most people are shocked

The first time they
see me like this.

Mary jo, did you tell them

How much trouble we had
at the fabric warehouse?

Anthony, we have company.

How do you do? Anthony bouvier.

There was this woman there,

And she kept saying

That I did not have the
purchase orders right.

Then she told me

That I did not have
the right swatches.

There was something that was
just not right about that woman.

Some are like that.

Mm-hmm. It's really sort
of difficult sometimes

To keep smiling and say,
"yes, ma'am, that's just fine."

When what you
really want to say is,

"Lady, you're out of your mind.

You ought to be locked up."

I have a boss like that.

Then you know what
I'm talking about.

It's not all of them.

It's just that some
of the vendors...

Well, they're kind of rude,

Kind of different.

Kind of a man.

Kind of like a man.

You're a man! He's
a man in a dress!

It's a pretty dress, though.

Ha ha ha ha!

Anthony, do you
remember carlene's eric?

Er-er...

Hey, man, how you doing, man?

Help me.

It must be fun

To be able to make grown people

Turn into blithering idiots.

It does have it moments.

Hey, y'all. There was a
message on my machine

Saying eric was meeting me here.

Have you seen him?

Carlene...

Eric?

Look at you.

You're in a dress.

You look... You look great.

You really think so?

Yeah, you do. A dress.

Great legs.

Carlene?

Uh-huh?

Do you understand
what's going on?

No.

Eric likes dressing
up in women's clothing

And... Going out.

Understand now?

No.

But I'm open for an explanation.

You look great. You do.

Well, an explanation
isn't so easy.

Why don't we go
get a bite to eat?

And we can talk.

O.k., That sounds good.

But who's going
to pay the check?

Did I leave my purse?

Oh, right here! Here it is!

Nice purse, man.

Well, well, that
was mr. Reynolds.

He's in a meeting. He'll
be here when it's over.

Anybody know what
carlene did with the bids?

It's right there on the table.

She called, said she'd be
back with a big surprise.

Don't you think she's had
enough surprises for one week?

I feel kind of bad for eric.

It must be tough when
you're growing up

And you're only role
model is boy george.

There's a man in uganda

Who dresses up
like gloria estefan

And leads his tribe
in a conga line.

No, it wasn't uganda.

It was the friars club,

And it was milton berle.

Oh, can I help you? Carlene?

What do you think?

Carlene, what is going on?

I'm trying to figure out
why eric does what he does.

Well, you look handsome.

Really? Well, thank you.

I've got a phony mustache,

But it makes my lip itch.

I don't see how you
dressing up in men's clothes

Is going to help you
understand anything about eric.

Well, see, he
explained this to me

That he taps into
his feminine side.

So I thought I'd tap
into my masculine side.

But I don't have a
clue how to do that.

I think you're on
the wrong track.

It's not clothes.
It's the attitude.

You have to walk that walk.

Anthony's right.
Anthony, show her.

Uh-uh.

Well, fine, ladies, it's
up to us. Who's first?

I don't even want to see this.

All right, maybe
this would help.

Just the other day,

I was coming out of
the hardware store,

And this guy there, he
just spit on the sidewalk.

It almost hit my shoe.

I mean, that's what they do.

They don't care who's looking.

They don't care how it lands.

The important thing to know is,

That right before they spit,

They make this
noise, and it's like...

And then...

Pphhttt!

Why don't you try that?

No way.

All right, let me think.

Maybe something like this.

You know how they put
their hands in their pockets

And hitch their pants up,

Check if it's still there?

Thank you, mary jo.

Carlene, listen to this.

Now, I remember
when I was with reese,

If we were going
to move a chair,

We'd just move it.

When I asked reese to move it,

He'd have to move
it, and then he'd go...

Ahh!

But the thing is,

It doesn't have to be
something that's difficult.

It can be easy,

Like taking a drink of water.

See, same thing. First...

And then...

Ahh!

Get it?

Yeah.

You know, another thing

Is the permission
men give themselves

To be aggressive,

Kind of like that guy

Who puts his face up in yours

And has to poke at
you while he talks,

Just to make sure
you get his point.

It's, uh...

And then I closed that deal,

Laughed in his face,

And I said, "buddy,
this is the last time

You play hardball with me."

You need a manicure.

Well, you know, I give up, too.

Well, let an expert
show you how.

Now, this is the kind of
man you should be like.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Bernice,

Thank you.

That's got to be mr. Reynolds.

I can't let him see me
like this. Look at me.

Come in.

Well, thank you. Ms. Sugarbaker.

Mr. Reynolds.

Go ahead, make my day.

Good to see you again.

It's a pleasure...

I hate wasting time.
Where are the contracts?

They're right here.

About this price...
$35,000 For all that work.

Usually, we get at least 50,000

For a job this size.

I told you my top
offer for doing the job.

It's nonnegotiable.

Oh, everything is negotiable.

Only to a woman.

Um, mr. Reynolds,
you said you wanted us

To finish at the end of
the month without fail,

And if we do that, that
would mean sacrificing other...

I hear you talking,
but it doesn't matter.

That's my price. I'm
on a time schedule.

Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

We're all on a time
schedule here, o.k?

Who are you?

Who am i?

Who am i?

Ahh!

B.j., Tell him who I am.

Uh, this is mr. Lean...
Mr. Carl lean,

Uh, president of
lean enterprises.

I got offices all over.

How you doing?

As a matter of fact,

I'm here to bid for
their time. 40,000.

Oh, I see,

A little friendly competition.

I think I can handle that.

Ow.

45,000... My final offer.

50,000, But I need you
to start a week early.

You're bluffing.

I think you're cheap.
We have a deal?

Uh, mr. Lean, uh,

Could I speak to you
privately for a second?

O.k.

Listen, uh, you
know how crazy it is

Doing business with women.

Oh, you kidding me? I sure do,

Especially these women.

Man to man,

There's no point in us
outbidding each other.

You need your job
done, I need mine done.

Yeah.

Let's agree on a fair price.

Now, what is the highest
you're willing to go?

60,000.

Mmm.

65,000.

Done!

O.k. I tell you
what, mr. Reynolds,

You're one fine businessman.

Ha ha ha ha.

That is the last time

That you're going to
play hardball with me.

Well,

I guess the best man won.

Don't worry, it's still there.

Afternoon, ladies.

Bye.

Bye. Thank you.

It's just amazing the
credibility that men have

Just by right of gender.

Yeah, but eric was right.

It was fun.

I got away with stuff

Only men can get away with.

You forgot to crush a
beer can on your forehead.

Oh, yeah, a beer can.

Carlene, take off the suit.

Well...

Hi, eric.

Carlene?

I mean, I've heard
about these things,

But i... I saw it once
on sally jessy raphael,

When I had a nasty
case of athlete's foot.

But you look handsome.

Although this tie is
too busy for this fabric.

Touché, eric.

We all learned a little
something from this.

I know I have.

Never play spin the
bottle at a garlic festival.

Well, I think I do understand
you better now, eric,

And I think you were right
about us being friends.

I expected that,
and I'm o.k. With it.

I'm glad you're in my life.

Not a lot of women would
have gone through this trouble.

Let's go to the howard johnson's

And write graffiti on
the men's room wall.

You know how to
show a guy a good time.

Bye.